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Not_A_Megalomaniac's Journal
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Not_A_Megalomaniac's journal
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2006-11-17 10:24:49
The Thing to Keep in Mind is this...

Shit happens.  It's trooo.

Things between me and my family have never been this good in years.  My job looks like it's going to go permanent (let's face it they can't sack me cos I'm THE department at the moment), I've started to make some really good friends and for the first time I am comfortable with just being me.  Yes, I'm big fat and ugly like my dad.  But it could be worse.  A lot worse.

And I'm seeing Nathan on Saturday.  Can't wait.

Oh and how funny was Clue?!  The Dr Who & the Daleks letter.  Classic.

Just so you know this is probably going to be my last proper journal entry.  I'm off to find me a new blog somewhere - those of you remotely bothered that I still breathe from time to time, sling us an email and I'll send you the link.

But aside from that, it's farewell, adieu and keep your bowels open.

By the way - did you know David McCallum eats raw brocolli?!  IT'S TRUE!!!!!  It does, however, truly sadden me to note that only one other person on earth would ever understand the implications of that sentence.

Mood - Really very genuinely happy. It's been a while.
Music - Georgie Fame - Shop Around
Edited - Never

2006-10-29 09:44:32
And now here comes the plummeting low...

Crap.  I knew it wouldn't take long.

After discussion I am now thoroughly embarrassed and ashamed of myself for Sunday.  Didn't realise how overbearing I am.

Am going off to lick my own self-imposed wounds.  Am very embarrassed.  Not upset with anyone other than me.  But am definitely retreating completely.  Not being melodramatic, but don't ask me about Sunderland yet because I don't want to go now.

Feel like shit.  Wish my ego was less delicate and wish I cared less about what everyone thinks of me.  Actually I do care.  A lot.  It keeps me awake at night.  To find out people I love, respect and admire can't stand the sight of me is a touch crippling.

I'm so pathetic.  I'm sorry.  I really am.

I knew everyone was pissed off with me for Sunday, why the hell did it take them that long to tell me?  I didn't know.  I really didn't know.  God I'm such a stupid, pathetic, useless idiot.

Mood - disgusted with myself.
Music - none.
Edited - Never

2006-10-28 07:40:09
Right, the full story...

Well it all started on Sunday morning when Peej knocked on my door while I was halfway through tidying me bedroom.  Literally.  I just left it there and took Peej out to help me find an outfit to wear for that evening.  I'd had something worse than a wardrobe crisis but I don't know the term for it aside from chronic obesity.

Found some clothes, bought sweets for Jess, went to pick Jess up from the station.  Came back, had a picnic lunch in my room, introduced Jess to the Man From UNCLE and the vision that IS David McCallum.

My nephew came over, we took him to Clue.

Jon Naismith came on and told the famous Condom Joke.  He introduced Barry and Graeme (Graeme was wearing brown cords, oh yes, and a gorgeous royal blue shirt.  He looked absolutely hot to trot), and then Tim and the guest, Jeremy Hardy (Tim was wearing his favourite blue jacket and a blue and white stripey shirt.  Phwoargh!!).  My first words were "I love you, Jeremy, please sing to me!" and then, after Tim telling the "I met an older lady outside..." joke, Mr Naismith introduced Humph.

Humph, bless him, had a cold and was coughing and spluttering the whole way through the show.  The poor love. 

The show was dangerously funny.  You know when you laugh so hard and so much that your face hurts and you just end up being totally exhausted?  That's how I was after the first recording!!!

I booked my nephew's ticket a bit late, so he had to sit quite a way from me.  I think he was glad about it because I did laugh stupidly loudly.  I was technically on the front row, and next to a microphone, so if you hear any filthy explosions of laughter when Humph says "Swanking" - it's me.  Or Jess.  But if it really does sound like a disgustingly perverse laugh, it's me. 

I don't know what to tell you all cos I don't want to spoil it for you.  But the first show is aired on 13th November, and the second one  presumably on the 20th.

After the show, I had decided to go and get some autographs for my brother - I think I've mentioned this here, it's no secret, but he's in prison due to my lying evil manupulative bitch of a sister-in-law who has systematically decided to ruin not only his life but the lives of their three children as well.  Anyway, he's a massive fan of Clue so I thought it'd really cheer him up if I got him an Uxbridge English Dictionary and got everyone to sign it.  Didn't realise till afterwards he's not allowed to have any books sent into him unless they're bought from WHSmith and sealed.  Damn.  Anyway.  So I goes and gets all these autographs.  Not off Jeremy though cos he made a quick getaway.  But anyway, I met Barry, who was totally lovely and cuddly (I didn't cuddle him but he was a cuddly looking type), and VERY SHORT!!!  Crazy.

Met Humph, asked him if he was feeling okay after nearly coughing up an entire lung onstage.  He was much better.  Phew.  A true gentleman.  I love Humph.  I want to adopt him as my grandad.

Saw Graeme.  Conversation went thus:

SPEV:  Hiya, Grae!
GRAE:  [goes towards SPEV, says IN SEXIEST VOICE IMAGINABLE]  Hello, you...
SPEV:  It's lovely to see you again, it's been quite a while!  Erm.. er.  Oh, can I have a cuddle please?
GRAE:  Oh yes of course you can!  [induldges in gratuitous cuddling scene with SPEV.  Not exactly a cuddle, more of a Holding In Arms Sexily]
SPEV: [mid cuddle]  Gosh it's been a while since we last did this!
GRAE:  [v sexily]  Yes... Edinburgh, in fact!
SPEV:  Indeed! [pulls away from GRAE, leaves hand resting underneath the lapel of his jacket and carries on rambling to him for ages - sadly I can't remember what about cos I was too busy thinking 'I've got my hand on Graeme Garden's chest...and he's not moving it...']

Then after the safe recovery of the autograph, I saw Timsy Wimsy Snookums again!  Convo went thus:

SPEV:  Hello, darling, how are you?
TIM:  Oh hello!!  yes, I'm fine thank you very much, long time no see!
SPEV:  I know, it's been ages, I've missed you!  Oh, Tim.  Can I have a cuddle please?
TIM:  Oh, yes, we must have a cuddle!!!  [cuddles SPEV rampantly]
SPEV:  It's been toooooooo long since we last had one of these!!
TIM:  [excitedly]  Yes, I know, it's been weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and WEEKS!!
SPEV:  Months, even!!
TIM:  Yes!!  Although this doesn't constitute cuddling, it's more raping!!
SPEV:  [laughs in shock]  Yes, but you do enjoy it, don't you?
TIM:  Oh YES!!!!!  Can't you tell by the HUUUGE grin all over my face!!!!!
SPEV:  Glad to hear it!!  [quickly changes subject!] Erm, can you sign this for my brother, please?  his name's Ian!
TIM:  Yes, I know that - Graeme just wrote it, there!!!
SPEV: Well done!!  Erm, Tim, this is my nephew, Tom!
TIM:  Oooh, lovely!!
SPEV:  Tom, this never mind, you know who he is...

And then very quickly they'd gone!  It was so sad...  Jess told Grae that we were going to Sunderland and he looked quite pleased with that.  Pleased or horrified, we can't tell which.  Although we'd personally like to think that he got into the taxi with Tim and said:

GRAE:  Guess what?
TIM:  What?
GRAE:  They're coming to Sunderland!

Obviously we know that didn't happen, but it makes US chuckle anyway!!!

Can't wait till Sunderland.  Shall post again then.

Dunno when I'll next do the old journal entry thing.

Don't forget - Monday, 13th November 2006, 18:30 GMT, I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - radio 4, or  Don't miss it.  Tim's Dalek impressions are so worth it!!!!

Mood - Extremely jovial!!!
Music - My other nephew (Bill) playing Cars on the PS2
Edited - Never

2006-10-24 08:18:35
I'm Sorry, I ... oh you know.

Tim Brooke-Taylor is a bad man, that's all I'm going to say on the matter.  And if anyone was there from GROK and decides to read his journal - I would just like to say that DESPITE what Mr Brooke-Taylor says, I did not rape him.  I cuddled him AFTER OBTAINING HIS EXPRESSED PERMISSION.  So there.

Bad boy. I love him. 

God he cuddles like a thing possessed. My life will be complete if I can just be cuddled by Tim repeatedly all day long.

However, not to be out-done - Graeme Garden.  That's all.  Graeme "I Have The Sexiest Voice On Earth And Now I Am Going To Say Lots Of Things To Turn You On Until You Want To Scream But You Can't Can You In Front Of All These People" Garden.  Gastard.  I love him.  I had my hand on his chest for quite a long time.  He didn't ask me to move it, and I didn't notice for a while that I'd done it cos I was too busy rambling at him and trying to stay calm.

Jeremy Hardy was the guest.  It was just a fantastic show.

Am going to go and ramble "heeee.... chest..... hello you.... this isn't cuddling this is rape... heeee" madly for a few hours before I go to work...

Will attempt to write something properly soon!!!! 

Mood - Dazed and knackered. Damn happy though.
Music - Yeh Yeh - Georgie Fame
Edited - Never

2006-10-02 05:24:14

Well it was over a week ago now.  In fact it was bloody ages ago.

I did it.  I had that big uncomfortable scary talk with him.  It was quite uncomfortable.  Quite scary.  The letdown was so lovely it's taken a week to hit me.  And now I'm on such a big downer I don't know if I'll ever get up again.

Yes, I said letdown.  I'm sure you were gunning for it turning out like one of those awful Hollywood romantic comedy thingies.  No.  No such luck.

We'd had a great night and although I didn't want to spoil it, I felt that if I didn't talk to him about it while I had him all to myself for a while with no interruptions, I would never talk to him about it.  So I did. 

I don't want to bore you with all the details, but we were both a little embarrassed about it, however we did manage to have a very frank and open discussion as two mature adults.  Which was refreshing as we'd never had a mature discussion before!!  And we - well, he, decided that we'd be mental together, but he didn't know if it was a good thing, and besides, he's been in love with a girl for about as long as he's known me - and he knows he has no chance with her, but he's not over her, and he doesn't want to 'cheat' on her, when he still feels very strongly about her - and he doesn't want to make me feel second best, as I'm the only female friend he's ever really had - because as a rule he doesn't like girls, but he really likes me.

See, that's lovely.

Until a week of dissecting it goes by and I realise that basically that entire conversation boiled down to him saying this to me in the nicest possible way:

"I would rather long for someone I am NEVER going to have in a million years than to have one MINUTE of my life spent having you worship the ground I walk on and devote your every last breathing second to making me happy."

This is just how it is.  It's how it's going to be forever.  There are some people in this world, despite how nice they try to be, how caring they are, and how they ache to love and be loved - who are destined to never be happy.

This sounds really self-pitiful.  And to be honest, today I am in a very self-pitiful mood.  I am so completely on the brink of....... whatever......... that part of me doesn't even want to see the morning.  Now I sound melodramatic.  Yep, probably melodramatic too.  I've just been so numb with pain over the last few days I don't think anything else could ever hurt me.

My brother doesn't want to see me.  My brother is in prison and he'd rather look at the four walls of his cell than see me.  What's wrong with me?  All I do is love people and try to never hurt them.  Nobody wants me.  I sound like a spoiled brat.  I don't think I am.  Maybe I am.  But I just feel like I'm on the outside looking in in every instance in my life.  My friends, my family, at work, everything. Even with (and I know all these people are going to read it and probably hate me) the people I've met here - I just feel like they think I'm Peej's friend who just tags along with her that they have to put up with - and sometimes, well, quite a lot, I feel like Peej thinks I'm just her acquaintance who she doesn't want to upset by telling me she's never really liked me that much anyway.  I know this is bullshit - because they really ARE my friends...... but I just feel like I'm the last person they ever want to see or hear from or anything but they feel they have to be lumbered with me.

Am on such a downer, I do apologise.  sometimes I do write cheery journal entries.  Just not at the moment.  Sorry.  Will try and write something happier next time but don't bank on it.

Mood - Numb
Music - None
Edited - Never

2006-09-22 06:06:16
Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated

Just to put Bindy's mind at ease (like you've not got enough troubles, love), I just have very irregular internet access, but I'm okay really.

Dieting is going great.  Have lost some weight, dunno how much - but i look and feel thinner.  Even I've noticed I've lost weight.  Am getting there with the clothes I want to be in... this time next month I won't recognise meself!

I found out on Friday that Nathan is coming up north to do a gig and he wanted me to be there.  At first I said no, but then the next day I stupidly changed my mind and agreed to meet up with him.

I knew this would happen.  He's been my best male friend for years - and now I'm too scared to see him EVEN THOUGH I know he feels pretty much the same way about me.  This whole Love phobia is a real shitter.

I've got a dress to wear tomorrow - fingers crossed it looks okay on me.  Will let you all know.  Part of me is determined to talk to him about Things.  The other part doesn't even want to see him, and if I do, to keep conversation to a bare minimum and go the second the last bar of the last song is played without saying goodbye.

I'm also going to see him in London in December.  Should be good.  Am just very paranoid about the whole thing.

Will try and report on Sunday...  wish me luck...

Mood - Tired
Music - None - chatting to Carrie, Peej and Jess on MSN
Edited - Never

2006-09-11 04:21:16
Stream of Consciousness Vent... PsychoBabble, if you will.

Cos some people - and the sad thing is that they're too self-absorbed to know who they are - find it quite acceptable to make people's lives a misery by being rude and obnoxious and then hide behind some mental illness or other as some way to gain total exemption from the repercussions of their actions.  Self-pity is not an attractive quality.

Now don't think for one second I don't appreciate what it's like to HAVE a mental illness or to be ruled by one, or to watch someone you love destroy themselves cos of one.  But we all have our own shit to deal with.

If I wrote down here all that had happened to me in the last three years (you want me to list a few?  Okay - raped by my now ex-best friend, a suicide attempt, self-harming, eating disorders enough to screw up my digestive organs forever, watching one of my best friends die of cancer, the man I loved dumping me for a married woman twice my age, my brother going to prison, my mother being diagnosed with skin cancer - all really tame stuff that's an everyday occurrence, I'm quite sure - but it's worn ME down a bit over the years) I'd probably end up boring the hell out of you and killing myself. 

Some things don't need to be gone over again, rammed down people's throats in an effort to induce pity from them - or even worse, force out some kind of a friendship.  Sometimes y'know, it's not even anyone's business.  And people know that, and they don't want to hear it.  It sounds callous, but again, we all have our own shit to deal with.   

People like me self-medicate in many ways.  I don't trust doctors as far as I can throw them - specially after the fiasco of almost getting the job at the NHS but then not (see an earlier journal entry for details), and anti-depressants just sent me more round the twist than I already was.  So I have to sort myself out. 

I don't really drink to excess, although I like a good drink.  I like a lot of good drink, but I don't like losing control.  I don't smoke - and due to my general hideousness and sheer unattractiveness to the opposite sex - I can't shag around.  To be honest, the only male affectionate contact I've had of late has been cuddles off Tim Brooke-Taylor and the sexiest cuddling, kissing and talking into hair encounter with Graeme Garden (if only I hadn't been dressed as him at the time, it probably would've been a lot better!), which although it makes people here jealous - getting turned on and excited by the fact that a 60-odd year old man cuddled the hell out of you can only mean that nobody else would look at you.

So in the absence of anything else I can do - I overeat.  Lots.  I don't feel happy unless I make myself ill with eating.  The comedown is crap, but the feeling of gorgeous food going down your throat, filling you up and up to somehow fill a hole that you know really can never be filled by food, but what the hell... god it's indescribable.

I also use escapism.  Lots of it.  I call myself by a silly nickname to get away from having to be me.  I watch television programmes, listen to music, read magazines, dress in clothes that were fashionable 30-40 years before I was born.  I feel safe and at home in my little bubble of a world I've made.  Nobody hurts me, everyone loves me - and the few people I let join in on that world are some of the best friends I've ever made.  But only when I let them in.  Some days not even my little world works properly.  I get self-conscious and embarrassed and convinced I'm hated by everyone, I'm just a boring irritation that they only tolerate when they want something.  I get suspcious and hateful of people.  Then I eat more to take away the feeling.  Then I get angry with myself for being so weak as to eat all that I have and it mostly ends up down the toilet.

I don't want any sympathy - I don't want to shock anyone - and I certainly don't want to offend anyone.  Really.  I'm merely pointing out that you can get a one-sided opinion of somebody because of how they can come across, but you don't know really what the deal is with them.  We're all guilty of it,  no matter who we are.  Maybe we should all stop dwelling on the shit we know we're in the middle of trying to sort out and make sure other people are still hanging on in there.  Sometimes it takes your mind off your own demons.

I probably had some form of a point to make when I started writing this, but I dunno what it is now.  But ye gods I could do with a Tim Cuddle right about now...

Mood - Crap Crap Crappety Crap - Consider Me Depressed...
Music - Ironing My Goldfish - ISIRTA
Edited - Never

2006-09-09 23:25:38
Love and Marriage. Pathetic.
The L word.  The M word.  They screw life up something rotten and GOD some people don't deserve what they have.

Peej and I have a mutual older male friend who we've known for a number of years who is married to one of the nicest, sweetest, most inoffensive people on earth.  I explained to him last night about my problems with the L word.  He is also having similar problems in that he is in love with someone else aside from his wife.

I could swing for him.  I am so angry I don't know what to think.  He became friends with this woman somehow, possibly over the internet I think, I forget the details, and ended up becoming very very good strong friends.  He reckons he didn't realise how close he was getting to her - but the way he described it to me he knew exactly what he was doing. 

If I fall in love, I'm single, I can fall in love with who the hell I like, and if it isn't reciprocated, fair dos, if it is, even better.  If, god forbid, I ever got married - that would be IT.  When you get married, you stop looking.  Even if you think you're not looking and you don't think for one minute you'd ever want to find anyone else - WAKE UP FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!  He's an intelligent man, platonic friendships between members of the opposite sex never work because sooner or later one of them at least is going to develop feelings for the other.  As I've discovered on more than one occasion, first occassion to my horrifying detriment.  It's fucking obvious.  The idiot.

You may think I'm looking at this in a very black and white manner.  But as far as I'm concerned there's nothing grey about it.  Really.  I don't profess to be judgemental - but for god's sake how can you hurt the person you've promised to spend the rest of your life with?  I could never ever do that to someone.  I really couldn't.  I've seen my brother have his heart broken and his life systematically torn apart by the bitch who married him and then proceeded to become the fucking town bicycle.  There's something so heartless about it I don't know how anyone can do it.

Okay he's not having an affair - but he wants one.  He's 'settling' for his wife cos they've been married for over 20 years.  How would you like to be 'settled' for?  He said something about him and this bird having 'respect' for nearly 50 years of marriage so they're not doing anything about it.  If you have ANY respect for the person you're married to you wouldn't do that to them in the first fucking place.  It must be hellish to know about that and then live the rest of your married life feeling like you're just second best.  His wife doesn't deserve it.

He's entirely put me off ever saying anything to Nathan.  In fact I'm determined to just keep the hell away from Nath from now on, just in case.  I hate the way he's been so lovely to me since my brother went to prison though.  Why!!!  They're so confusing, these men. 

Why can't all men be like Tim Brooke-Taylor?!

Mood - Actually not as upset as I seem!
Music - None at the moment.
Edited - Never

2006-09-08 01:47:31
*rolls eyes* and BREATHE...
Imagine being surrounded by this colour...  everywhere you looked all you could see was beige.......

Have you lost your mind yet?!?!

I'm looking after my sister's beige house with beige walls, beige laminate flooring (jings, there's not even a CARPET except in the hall and yes, that's beige too...), beige furniture, beige 3 piece suite, beige bedding on the beds - even the fecking DOGS are fecking BEIGE!!!!!!!!!

I'M GOING MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I got the job that I went for yesterday.  I was well chuffed.  Handed in my notice formally in writing. 

My arsehole of an ex-boss (and sue me for libel you fecking cretin if ever you come on here!!!!!  You ARE a fecking arsehole!!!  There's 99% of that fecking company who'd fecking testify in court of your arseholeness!!!!), then hauled me into his office and said "Well, I wasn't pleased with your work anyway."

How pathetic, spiteful and childish can you get?

So I got rather worked up and my mate Julia who I am going to miss to bits told me she'd take me out for a drink - so we went out for a liquid lunch and when we got back - lo and behold - Carlos hauled me into his office again and said "Actually, I think it'd be best if you just went."

So I gave him a huge grin and said "Thank you so much, that's just what I hoped you'd say!", called the agency who'd got me the job and told them I could start a week earlier as I didn't have to work my notice, made damn sure before I left that I would be paid my notice period - and have come home. 

Friday off.  With Pay.  Life gets no better.

What a childish pathetic petty sanctimonious arrogant little git though!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That's more than enough adjectives for anyone.  Really wanted to leave him with the phrase "Don't be a tw@t all your life, eh?" but decided to not stoop to his level of pettiness.  I think he's mostly pissed off cos I wouldn't fall and worship at his feet like his PA and clerk do.  I just thought he was a knobhead from the moment I clapped eyes on him - now I realise he's a spineless and vindictive one too.

Ah well.  Am chuffed I'm out of it.  Starting a new job with better pay, free parking and close to home.  Am happy.  Weekly pay as well for the first three months so I can deffo afford going to Clue.  Come the hell on!!!!

Incidentally, Graeme's version of Take Your Momma Out by Scissor Sisters - does anyone else want to be the Momma in question for just that line about cheap wine?!?!!  It's one of the few things I refuse to listen to while I'm operating a moving vehicle...!!

Mood - Victorious and FREE!!!!!!
Music - Just to Keep me Warm... *sigh*
Edited - 2006-09-08 01:50:59

2006-09-07 09:51:52
Two posts in 24 hours - something's up, people...

Graeme's favourite colour is brown.  I cannot tell you how chuffed that has made me.  I've never known of anyone else whose favourite colour is brown aside from me.  I know it's really stupid, but so am I.

Saw Broken Arrow tonight.  Not the Christian Slater/John Travolta - don't say his name, I hate him! - film, the Jimmy Stewart one.

Watch it.  It's fantasic.  It's got a fantastic ending - a bit sad but mainly good.  And he's just indescribably gorgeous!!! 

It has obviously now been far too long since I had a) a boyfriend and b) a Tim cuddle.  Not even in that order.  A girl needs to be cuddled and I have nobody to supply me with on-demand ones.  It's quite frustrating at the moment.

Speaking of which - I wasn't being hypothetical all that time ago....  I am actually in love with my best friend.  But, whether for good or for bad, I have decided to say nothing.  For no reason other than I love what I have with him too much to want to change it.  I did make the slightly cunning move of surreptitiously finding out his feelings for me before coming to my decision, and he's not averse to the situation.

"YOU FOOL!" you're all screaming at the screen.  "GO FOR IT!!!" you're yelling.  No.  See, the real problem is that because of my wholehearted hatred of Love and all things associated with it - if ever I'm going to get into a Relationship with anyone, then I am in it for the long haul.  I'm thinking in terms of til death do us part stuff.  I do not want to put myself or whoever I end up with through all the hassle of falling in love for it to go pear shaped after a couple of years. 

I love my best friend too much to ever hurt him or want to hurt him - but self-preservation is the name of the game here, and I want to hurt myself even less.

And as I'm ONLY looking for something that can only be described as a lifetime investment - I wouldn't ask anyone to be foolish enough to try spending all eternity with me.  I've had my heart broken once before and I'm not in the market for it to happen again.  I get too attached too easily.

So, it's the only logical conclusion.  But I'm not too worried.

I just need a cuddle, really...

Any volunteers????  Any ageing posh blonde men from Buxton named Tim?!?!

Mood - Cor I'm Knackered!
Music - Just the tapping of keys on keyboard...
Edited - Never

2006-09-07 01:28:30
I don't need to fight, to prove I'm right...

Sometimes I don't know how much sense I actually make.

Why have today's events not bothered me at all?

Okay I was righteously pissed off that someone got involved in something that didn't concern them and had already been sorted out as far as everyone else was concerned and should be left alone - it wasn't a big deal anyway really, but I can understand that the word "Fetish" can upset a few people.  Fair dos.  It's a family show.  I can dig it.

I know, and Jess knows, that it was really all good clean fun and not actually much different to anything that had been posted previously on other threads.  We did not for one moment try to say that anyone had any real deep seated kinky fetishes about anything.  The word 'fetish' was used wrongly.  Admittedly.  Apologies to anyone who was upset. 

What I object to VERY strongly is some kid telling me and my friends that we have no respect for the men we have come to know and love on a far more personal level than we ever dreamed of over the last month or so.

But instead of crawling behind a rock and slicing my arms open like I usually would - I actually don't care.  Sod her.  If she wants to think that about us, fine.  What do we need to prove?  The important people know what we're about.  We know where it's at.  If there are individuals whose tiny little minds can't comprehend that - not my problem. 

There will be no apologies for what is written here in the comfort and safety of my own journal.  I am maintaining my freedom of speech without libelling other people and accusing them of things that they are not.  I am not angry.  I am not in the habit now, nor have I ever been, of causing waves.  I do not wish this to get nasty.  I have said my piece and don't wish to, nor will I, discuss the matter any further.  If you don't like it, I'm sorry but tough.  I've enough going on at the moment without getting further involved in something so petty.

Rant over.

Moving on, getting past that now...

Went for my interview.  Have no idea how it went.  It's a permanent job, with a three month probation period.  It's basically typist for the company solicitors for one of the largest utilities subcontracting firm in the UK.  Fingers crossed.

I'd like the job.  It's mainly typing.  The money's better.  Free parking, close to home, Morrisons round the corner - what more do you want?  Hopefully it's weekly pay for the first three months as it's from a temp firm - in which case I can then afford to go to Clue in Sunderland!!  I know I've gotta go anyway - but it'd be nice to be able to afford to go...!!

Anyway.  I'm going to stay at my sister's for a week looking after the dogs.  Dad's staying as well tonight and tomorrow - so tonight we're gonna watch Broken Arrow with James Stewart in it.

James Stewart... phwoargh... original geek chic - simply perfectly gorgeous. 

Then again what do I know - I fancy Bill Oddie!!!!!!

Mood - Shattered actually!!
Music - Baba O'Riley, The Who->
Edited - Never

2006-09-06 04:27:30
Dieting - again...

Weird isn't it?  Tickets get booked to go to Clue, another opportunity to see comedy history being made simply by attending this, the longest running radio comedy show in the BBC's history.  British Comedy is the thing I live for - it's what I aim to finally contribute to at some point in the future.  Comedy and Music - the two things that matter most in my life and good god lord in heaven it should be the two most exciting nights in my life.

Everyone I'm going with is excited.  Just excited.  Can't wait for more Timbo Cuddles and Graeme Cuddles and getting to see Baz and Humph again.  It's great.  It won't be long now and we'll be there.  Wahoo.

They're chuffed.  I'm on a countdown. And I'm dreading it.  I can't go unless I lose weight.  I can't let Tim and Grae see me looking like a fat blimpoid.  Why can't I have a perfect figure like the people I'm going with?  Tall and slender with a cracking set of pins like Jess - or just drop dead gorgeous with huge tracks of land like Peej?  Why am I just me?  The blimp? 

It's 47 days before Southport.  Which isn't long at all.  By this time I somehow feel that it's necessary for me to lose at least a stone in weight (don't even ask me how much that is in kilos) so I can fit properly into the dress I love so much.  The following month I've a dogtooth mini skirt to somehow squeeze myself into.

Why the hell is this?  What approval do I need from anyone else?  I'm going with Peej and Jess, who are my mates, Peej is my best mate on earth and I know she loves me just as much as I love her.  Tim and Grae are my comedy idols - and they don't hate me - I know they don't.  In fact, even if they DID hate me because I'm a fat ugly blimp then that'd make them pretty awful humans anyway - which I know they aren't. 

So why do I think that if I'm thinner I'll be a better person??  Why do looks matter so much?  Is physical beauty a reflection of inner good attributes?  Why does it matter at all?  I know I'm all right - why does it even matter if nobody else thinks so?

I know that even if I had three heads, four arms and weighed three tonnes, Tim would still cuddle the hell out of me and Grae would still appreciate the fact that there are other people out there from Preston who can spell diarrhoea.  Whether I go in the dress I'm vaguely into anyway or not is not the point.  The point is the comedy.  I'm only going.  I probably won't even see them afterwards.  So why am I so arsed?!?!?!

This is the horrid thing.  No matter how much of a handle I thought I had on bulimia - i'll never get over it.  It will always continue to rule my head.  Even when I lose weight I'll worry why I've not lost more - or why I've not lost it quicker. 

Roll on October.  If I turn up wearing a sack then the diet's gone pear shaped.

......... on a lighter similar note - I've lost 5lbs this week!!!

Sorry for boring you all.

Job interview tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

Mood - Not too bad thanks.
Music - Eastenders closing titles...
Edited - Never

2006-08-31 04:18:14
Why am I always skint?

Seriously.  I got my month's pay today and it's all gone in bills already.  Literally.  All.  Every penny.

If this lack of dosh doesn't sort itself out soon I will cry.  And never go to Clue or Goodies shows again.  Am totally pissed off.

Am no longer jealous though - I think my mini-rant was enough to be going on with.  Thank you to all who commented - Jodes, I don't think I'm exactly magnificent, but cheers anyway.  I did put the pic of me and Tim in the scrapbook with a little caption about me posing with one of me adoring fans... hope he thought it was me being sarcastic and generally silly as opposed to me being a psycho...

Oooh wow an advert where they played Land of Hope and Glory!  Wowser!!!  Timsy...

I have an uncontrollable urge to now call him Timsy Wimsy to his face - I think if I'm not careful I will end up doing it.  And calling him Timsy Wimsy... shut up Spev.

Have been listening to ISIRTA like a mad thing lately.  Why oh why was I born 40 years too late??????  Someone out there has been taking the piss outta me from day one.  I'd've been in my element in the 60s - perfect music, perfect comedy, perfect trousers on perfectly formed men....!!!  And SIDEBURNS!!  DAMMIT!!!!!! 

Am gonna get a second job if I don't get another job in the next coupla weeks.  My head is being done in.  It's so unfair.  I may even try something scary like sales - anything with more money than I have at the moment will do at the moment though.

Do you think somebody will just GIVE me a coupla hundred quid to see me out the rest of my life?!!  Hmm.

Mood - Stomach achy...
Music - None - Watching the Simpsons!!!
Edited - Never

2006-08-30 04:59:51
I'm sorry.  I've tried to hold it in, I've tried to not dwell on it, but I am now officially jealous.

I didn't get jealous of Graeme snogging Kirstyn (really - we'd been planning this in intricate detail for MONTHS - one of us had to at least attempt Graeme Seduction!!).  I didn't get jealous of Tim fondling Jess' bottom (much - okay I would've enjoyed it excessively...).  But jealously prevailed at long last when Mr Brooke-Taylor said to my BEST FRIEND OF FOUR YEARS:

"You're ALWAYS a good hug!"

My mother has just heard the sound of my heart being torn in two.  My best friend and my Cuddling God.  *sob*

Why do I have to be skint at times like this?  Hmm?  I imagine that this is WORSE than being in Australia when stuff like this is going off.  I am actually capable of driving myself there - it's just getting back that's the problem, oh and getting into the theatre.

I did have plans of asking Tim if I could be his travelling cuddling groupie - but Peej has obviously now got that title.  Hmph.

Just less than half of me is counting down the seconds till Clue - the other half and a bit really doesn't want to get in the way.  I would now constitute a hanger-on!  How depressing. 

I mean I know it's not been all bad - Tim did say I taught him how to cuddle (which is quite an exciting compliment), and Graeme pulled me towards him for a cuddle when he saw I was about to die of embarrassment and started talking to me through my hair *GASP*...  I now don't need to ASK Tim for a cuddle, as he can obviously tell by the inflection that I'm about to say "Cuddle the hell out of me you little snuggly cuddle muffin!"  (NB:  If ever I actually say that to ANYONE, let alone Tim, please shoot me.)  And of course Tim DID wear my knickers on his head.  And mentioned them in the Times podcast.  My knickers were obviously more of a hit than me. 

*sob sob sobbity sob*

But still - I wish i could have been there on the last night.  I wanted to be there SO badly.  I may cry.

I'm not really that upset.  Well I am.  But never mind.  I'll get over it.  There's always the March tour.  Probably.

Someone talk me into going to Clue.  Please.  Remind me I'm not rubbish.  Even though I am - just pretend I'm not!!

Mood - Any more sombre and I'd be in a morgue...
Music - The Monkees
Edited - Never

2006-06-19 21:44:19
Let me tell you a very sad story. Comments required!!!

And it's sad because it's true, however I would value ANY comments at the end.

Sorry if this makes you cry a bit, by the way.

There was once a girl called Ellen Naomi Cohen who grew up in a Baltimore - somewhere in America.  She was 5'5" tall and was extremely overweight - dangerously so, you might say.  However, she had THE most amazing personality, immediately befriended everyone she met and was loved by probably the whole wide world.  She also had what can only be described as a singing voice that would make the angels jealous.

Anyway, she changed her name to Cass Elliot, and after a while she joined a band called The Mamas and the Papas, which also included one of her best friends, a man called Denny Doherty. 

The band also included a married couple named John and Michelle Phillips.  They all got along pretty well.  Then Cass realised something.  She was actually truly, madly and deeply in love with Denny.  But he was also her best friend.  She didn't know quite what to do about it.  So she did nothing.

Then she discovered that Denny was having an affair with Michelle (the one who was married to John!).  This devastated Cass, although she never stopped loving Denny or being his best friend.

Then, just before the Mamas and Papas split, Cass asked Denny to marry her.  She told him that she'd always loved him and told him she could make him happy.  He said no.  And you know what the only reason at the time he said no was???  Because she was too fat.

I know.  Bastard.  (heavenly voice though!)

Anyway.  Five years later, Cass died of a heart attack.  It was only then that Denny realised how much he loved her - and now he regrets not marrying her when he had the chance.

Now.  Over to you lot.

Hypothetically speaking, given that story you've just read, if ever you discovered that all along you were madly in love with your best friend - your soulmate possibly - would you tell him?  Even if THAT ended up happening and he wasn't in love with you??  Would him knowing how you felt make things awkward between you?  Would you rather it was out in the open so as to keep your relationship permanently open and honest with no secrets as all best friends should be??  Or would you be too worried something like THAT would happen and end up breaking your heart???

I mean obviously this IS hypothetical and I'm not for one moment referring to ME (you know me and MY views towards the L word!!  IT'S WRONG!) - because my best friend is a girl!!  And my male best friend is... well... he's practically one of the girls anyway so he doesn't count.  It's just I find it an extremely sad situation to get into, and it's another of my main reasons for never being silly enough to fall in love.  But surely things would never be ABLE to be the same again - and wouldn't that be the worst thing possible?  Wouldn't you rather have a lifetime's friendship than an instantly broken heart and no friendship just cos of you and your big gob saying something that was best left unsaid??

What would YOU do???

Mood - Contemplative - and desperate for a job!
Music - The Mamas & Papas Complete Anthology
Edited - Never

2006-06-16 20:00:14
Back to earth and LOVE STINKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think after five days I've just about recovered.


Meanwhile, it's all been happening in Wainwright Mansions.

Well as far as I'm aware, my brother isn't in prison, the charge against him has been reduced from GBH with intent to just GBH, my sister-in-law is still a lying bitch, my niece and nephews whose ages range from 12 to 18 are trying to run a four bedroomed house by themselves.  What a fecking mess.

Basically the reason my brother is in trouble with the coppers in the first place is actually my lying bitch of a sister-in-law, who has left my brother after 20 years of marriage and shacked up with her new boyfriend around the corner from him.  One drunken evening (she timed this so well - on her daughter's 18th birthday.  Bitch).... well basically the long and the short of it is Ian had had a skinful, the twerp of a boyfriend picked a fight with him over Andrea, and the boyfriend ended up in hospital having a hip replacement.  Of course, the boyfriend was already on the waiting list for a hip replacement anyway, so really our Ian did him a favour!!!

Then Andrea goes and twists the knife in and lies her arse off to get Ian put into prison, custody of the youngest son and Ian out of her life forever.  Oh as well as a few contracts we're planning on taking out on her (erm, that's a joke, incidentally, I don't condone violence or murder - even if it would do everyone a favour!)!!

Anyway, it was his sentencing earlier this week to find out if he would be in custody up until his trial.  Thankfully he won't.  Equally thankfully he won't go to prison.  No thanks to her.

Most ridiculous of all???  HE'S STILL IN LOVE WITH HER.  Stupid bastard.

Harrumph. This is why I'm so dead against the idea of love - no matter how deeply you may fall in it.  It'll end up coming up and biting you on the arse so hard you'll never sit down again.  My approach to falling in love, (which is basically - "Love should be banned.  It's shit."), is to name no names, never tell a soul, just ignore it and hope it'll go away.  Of course it hasn't worked yet, but give it time. 

Yes I'll end up bitter and twisted but I probably would do anyway!!!

It is a REAL phobia!!  It must be.  But nothing's ever led me to believe that it can ever work out okay so that must mean it won't.  I know it's a stupid way of looking at things before anyone tells me but there you have it.

See look at  me now.  I get past the Timbo Cuddle Withdrawal and I become all boring and narky.  It must be, as Pete Townshend may say "comedown is calling, loneliness starts again...."  *bursts into a rousing rendition of I'm One by The Who->*

I'm actually not in the least depressed.  I'm just worried about my niece and nephews.  Fair dos their parents' marriage was a failure but they don't have to be roped into it so horrifically.

Watched Springwatch last night.  I love Bill.  I do.  He absolutely cracks me up.  Bum wiggling will never be the same again - nor will I be able to avoid blushing if ever I see another tin of sardines...!  No woman could resist...!

Right.  Work calls.  Thank god it's my last day.  If I had to spend one more day with this fecking PowerPoint presentation I'd tell the man to take the fecking presentation and stick it right up his fecking ... nose.


The End.  (great episode.  Tight Trousers.  Thank you.)

Mood - Strangely enough I'm quite giggly today!!!
Music - Whistle A Happy Tune - Barry Cryer's Version
Edited - 2006-06-19 21:56:07

2006-06-14 23:58:39
Tim's Adoption of Peej, Kirstyn's Street Walking and more!!

Now, let me take you back to the moment that the guys walked out of the stage door.

I saw Barry's white bonce and thought "Aye aye, that was quick!", then I saw Graeme's baldy bonce and thought "IT'S GRAEME GARDEN!!!  STAY COOL!!!! STAY COOL!!!!  STAY - SHIT WHERE THE HELL HAVE PEEJ AND KIRSTYN GONE?!?!  NO!!!!  DON'T GO AND TALK TO HIM, I'LL HAVE TO GO OVER THERE TOO!!!!!!"

Couldn't quite believe how tiny Graeme is. I mean in height.  I'd spent the last half hour before the show trying not to think about his wetsuit - and then showing Kirstyn all my Grae photos on me phone before the lights went down.  But still.  Crikey.  He's small enough to fit in your handbag........

*evil grin* oooh I should stop making Edinburgh plans.  That's why I need four nights so I can build up the courage to speak to him.

No really.  I was amazed at that.  I also, as I mentioned, was amazed at his shirt, which you could just about tell showed the sillhouette of what can only be described as a belly.  *rrrrrrowwwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

No wonder I couldn't talk to him.

I looked over Graeme's head and (minds OUT of the gutter!) saw Timbo in the doorway.  Felt instantly maternal and wanted to cuddle him.  I ended up doing just that, but before ALL that happened, he met Kirstyn (or Krista as my mother now insists on calling her!)

Kirstyn asked very politely:

K:  Tim, do you think it would be all right if I asked for a cuddle?
T:  [grins like a cheshire cat] I think I would enjoy that ENORMOUSLY!  How much do I owe you?!
K:  Oh nothing, we'll do it for free!
SPEV: [interjecting]  There's actually a queue, Timbo, love, so we'll get the calculator out later!
T:  Ooooh!  Okay then!!!


Kirstyn then worried that Tim had referred to her as a prossie because he'd asked how much he owed her.  I don't think for one moment he meant that!!  He's not that kind of man!!  I was too busy being cuddled by him to think anything about anyone walking any streets anywhere.

Then we found Peej who'd been talking to Rob and was now a bit worried about meeting Tim.  I was shaking like a jelly ("wobbeling wobbeling!  Probably not how it's actually spelt but never mind!"  Good God that's the most obscure Goodies quote I've ever done!) and then Peej started talking to Tim.

Convo went thus:

TIM:  What's your  name?
TIM:  Oh of course!  Obviously!  [squiggles autograph]
PEEJ:  Thank you very much.  Would it be all right if I asked for a photo with you?
TIM:  Of COURSE it would!  Come here!  [drapes arm over PEEJ's shoulder and brings her closer to him.  SPEV is instantly reminded of The Cuddle]
PEEJ:  [hands camera to SPEV]  Can you take the photo?
SPEV:  Erm.. yeah, sure.  It may be a bit shaky, but I'll take it!
[TIM chuckles dirtily.  SPEV tries to ignore it but ends up letting out a nervous giggle]
TIM:  [about PEEJ]  This is my daughter!!!
[PEEJ and TIM both laugh.  SPEV takes the photo, it's a roaring success!]
KIRSTYN:  Could I possibly get a photo too please Tim?
TIM:  Course you can!
SPEV:  Peej!!!  How do you wind it on?!?!  What do I do?!!  Oh bloody technology!!
TIM:  [in his best helpful and serious voice] Has it got a thingy on it?
[PEEJ's eyes widen in glee]
TIM:  Give it to PJ.  PJ knows how to do it!
[SPEV wonders why now everything TIM says sounds rude]
SPEV:  I'm sorry.  It doesn't have a windy-on thing, and it doesn't have a shutter - I'm lost!!!
TIM:  Ah, so you were born in the 18th century too, eh?
SPEV:  Oh yes, that's right, I was!!
[TIM giggles.  SPEV swoons slightly]

Anyway, after all that, we all went home, ordered booze and pizza, looked at autographs, giggled.  We played the letter writing/cheddar gorge game at about half three in the morning when we tried to get to sleep and roared with laughter.

What a great weekend!!


I've got a job.  Just accepted one.  A permanent one which pays peanuts.  But having said all that it's permanent.  And they want me to work for them. 

The other job I want, which I'm in with a chance with, is possibly my dream job.  Working with BOOZE.  Not in a pub.  The bottling, marketing and production of BOOZE.

It's my dream job.  I may end up getting it.  Hopefully.  I'd have to go on wine tasting weekends for work and really boring things like that.  Shame.

Wish me luck!!

Mood - Still dazed and happy and generally cheery!
Music - None, am still in work.
Edited - 2006-06-15 00:39:48

2006-06-13 22:25:18

This is not written with the intention of making anyone, least of all Bondgirl, jealous.  It is simply so that a) I can write down every gory little detail of the cuddle and thus immortalise it and b) so that anyone wanting to know what a Timbo cuddle feels like before they get one will know exactly what to expect.

However, no matter HOW detailed this description may be - you must understand that no matter how great you may *think* a Tim Cuddle is - it is NOTHING compared to how lovely it ACTUALLY is!!!!!!!!!!!! 

But seriously - GETTING a cuddle off Tim is easier than you might think.  Kirstyn asked him very politely "Would you mind terribly if I asked for a cuddle?" and he gave her THAT grin and said "I think I'd enjoy that ENORMOUSLY!"  whereas I just said "Can I have me cuddle now please, Timbo?" and he gave me the same THAT grin and said "Oooooh, yes PLEASE!!!!"

In fact you may even still get a cuddle if you just say "Timothy, cuddle me now, please!"  I'm quite convinced.  He's very generous with his cuddles - he gave loads of them out.  I said "Tim's coming here more often, aren't you?" and he said "Oooh yes indeed!"


As detailed in the Timbo thread, our convo went thus:

SPEV:  Can you sign it Timbolina Tottywallop please?
TIM:  Timbolina... Timbolina... I heard that bit but what was the surname again??
SPEV:  Timbolina Tottywallop!
TIM:  [Bursts out laughing]  Oh yes!  Fantastic!  Definitely!  Hahahaha!!!  Timbolina Tottywallop!!  Yes!!
SPEV:  That was a fantastic pink dress you wore on the Radio 2 episode, by the way!
TIM:  Oh, thank you very much!!!  [squiggles autograph down and returns book to SPEV]
SPEV:  Oh thanks ever so much, Tim.  Can I have my cuddle now please?
TIM:  OOOOH!  Yes please!!!  [gives SPEV best cuddle she's ever had in her whole entire life]

He actually signed my book "To Timbolina Tottywallop, love from Tim Brooke-Taylor-Tottywallop x".  Bless him!!!!!!!

Anyway, THE Cuddle.


I'd call it a hug, but that's just not the right description.  It was an all out cuddle, a warm, cosy, all-enveloping, lovely, snuggly, yummy CUDDLE.  I'm very fussy about my cuddles.  I don't like really weak cuddles you can't FEEL, and I don't like really strong cuddles that break your back and stop you breathing normally.  And it's SO difficult to find people who can get a nice balance between the two.

Until Sunday night when Tim Brooke-Taylor slipped his arms around my waist and in the space of around one minute almost entirely put paid to me being maternal about him.

It started off quite slowly and softly, then he pulled me tighter towards him (I'm getting quite giddy just thinking about that bit!) and the cuddle got a lot stronger and tighter but not so it was too tight to breathe.  There wasn't even a polite air gap between us (yes that's right - chests AND stomachs were pressed together!!), which was altogether VERY EXCITING (*GULP!*)!!  It was just really warm and lovely and cosy and snuggly and you seriously felt that nothing terrible could possibly happen to you because you were in the arms of Timothy Julian Brooke-Taylor-Tottywallop and he would never let anything happen to you.  Which was such an exciting thought I almost whimpered, but then realised HE was going "Mmm... ooooh... mmm that's lovely... oooh... that's really nice... mmm!"

Crikey.  I've had an "ooh" ing "mmm" ing Timbo in my arms!  Not many people can say THAT for themselves can they!!!

I seriously could quite happily have stayed cuddling Tim forever and ever and not moved from that spot ever again, but sadly I had to stop cuddling him eventually (before I got too excited!) and I said "Thank you very much" and he blushed and did a Tim Giggle (you KNOW the one I mean!) and said "Oooh no, thank YOU very much, that was lovely!  Oooh!!!"

Bless him.

The meeting of Graeme wasn't anywhere near that exciting as I was overwhelmed with the fact Graeme Garden was stood in front of me and I stupidly thought of the Bunfight waistcoat because he was wearing a shirt that colour and went a bit hysterical, but tried to stay calm.  I didn't even have a book or anything for him to sign and in the end he looked at me and I just said "Erm, actually I'm just lurking around here for the hell of it, don't mind me!" and he chuckled and said "Okay then!!!"

That was it.



THE END!! (great episode)

How depressing.  All those volumes of How To Meet And Seduce Graeme Garden Without Ever Meeting Him that Kirstyn and I wrote.  Still, we're going to do Edinburgh so we can not only have the chance to meet Grae again properly (we have a top secret plan), but also so I can have another Tim cuddle which I am now officially addicted to.

I shall give details of Timbo's adoption of Peej and the photo with Kirstyn tomorrow probably.  In the meantime I'm going to have to do some work.


But that was the cuddle.  The Cuddle, actually.  Tim Cuddles should be made available on the NHS as a surefire cure for depression, low self-esteem and other problems like that.  It's certainly a medication you could happily overdose on!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mood - Still dazed I think...
Music - None, just listening to a confidential meeting
Edited - 2006-06-13 22:52:39

2006-06-05 15:10:05
Six days to go...

I wouldn't say I've been gripped by fear or anything yet.  In fact I'm quite calm at the moment. 

I've not been starving myself or anything silly, just drinking heaps of green tea and taking three Pro-Plus a day (apparently that helps the old metabolism sort itself out!) - I've not even been really avoiding chocolate, I've just sort of gone off it a bit, amazingly.  But I still seem to have lost weight, which is brilliant. 

Gave up trying to get back to sleep at half four and came downstairs to watch Batman on FX.  God it's stupid.  I love it.  Was on the phone to Kirstyn the other night and apparently she's never seen Batman.  I felt so sorry for her!!!  It was so funny.  King Tut is my new hero.  Bless 'im.

Can't believe anyone doesn't know about Batman.  I have my bedroom decorated in Batman!  I have Batman bedding, Batman posters, a red bakelite telephone which is nicknamed The Batphone, I even have a Batman TV!!!  I love it!!!  It worries me when people aren't into superheroes - it's like people who don't believe in the Loch Ness Monster...

Had a crazy couple of dreams the night before last.  First of all I dreamed that I'd bought a duvet cover with the Mamas and the Papas on it, and I'd made my bed and was lying on top of the duvet, looking at Denny (incidentally the man with THE sexiest singing voice known to man - he could sing the phone book and I'd still keel over!), when all of a sudden he came to life!!!!!!  I was a touch freaked out but it was quite lovely really.

Then!  I dreamed I'd gone to see Green Day at Wembley Stadium, sneaked backstage so I could run onstage and leap off again (I had a sudden urge to be athletic!), when I bumped into Tre and he was like "Are you another stagehand?" and I was like "Not exactly, no..." and he said "Aha, you must be the groupie then!" and, being as I am, The Patent British Drummer Groupie, I had to say "yes" but quickly followed it up with "but I'm just here to jump off the stage actually, sorry about that!"  so he said "Well I'll jump off the stage with you and then we can go for a drink!" so we did, and we did, but his girlfriend was there all the time giving me filthy looks, which I couldn't blame her for, but I was trying not to flirt or anything with him, and in the end I said "your girlfriend doesn't like me, Frank me love!" and he just said "Nah, she doesn't like anyone - not even me.  I'm thinking of trading her in, do you fancy it?!"

At that point I woke myself up laughing!  What a great chat up line.  Not as great as when Adam asked Millie to marry him in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, of course.

I have an interview later on this morning.  Really hate interviews.  I don't really want the job but if they offer it me I'll have to take it because I'm so skint it's ridiculous and I have Buttercup to pay for.  Wish me luck!!  I'm going to pour meself out another cup of green tea and choose something amazing to wear.  Apparently red isn't a good colour to wear at interviews so that's out...  Hmmm... black it is then!!!!!!!

Mood - Tired but too awake to sleep. Damn insomnia!
Music - Batman Theme
Edited - Never

2006-06-04 03:08:02
Happy Birthday To Meeeeeeeeee!!!!

*sings*  23 today... 23 today... she's been given the key to the door, she's never been 23 before....

Good god.  I feel so old.  Well.  Not OLD exactly - am nowhere near as depressed as I was when I turned 20.  I HATED being 20.  21 was awful too.  22 wasn't too bad and now I'm just resigned to getting on a bit.  Can't fight time any more.

I'm 23, no permanent job, no boyfriend, no money, I'm 7 stone overweight, I'm unbelievably hideous - and the good times can't last forever.  But it's not all bad news, ladies and gentlemen. 



I've found the right dress - the only problem is my stomach, as usual.  The dress fits fine, it zips up with no trouble at all - it's just my stomach does SHOW a lot.  However, so do my boobs, so on the second row I may look quite distracting in an exciting way!

Why can't men like women with stomachs like I like men with stomachs?!?!  I pray every night for a world filled with fat middle aged hairy men who play drums...

Thats right - a world full of Bill Oddies...

Cripes what a thought!!!!



Discovered I have a THING about bellies.  God I love them.  I love fat men in t-shirts, where their stomach just bulges out over their belts, giving a lovely "extra roll of fat" effect.  *fans self down*

Funny, isn't it?  My actual TYPE is middle aged fat men with big noses.  Facial furniture and grey hair optional.  Not many other women out there have such men as their TYPE - but you find that the vast majority (and I'm talking WELL over 90% here!) of men of that gorgeous, cuddly, plump, grabbable ilk are already bloody well married!!!!!!  I wouldn't complain if my husband ever turned out like that.  In fact I'd spend great amounts of money on fattening food and no exercise to make him into that shape!!!!

Life's not fair, I'll tell you that much.

I'm having spam fritter and chips for my birthday tea tonight.  Me and dad are gonna watch loads of John Wayne films - can't wait, it'll be brilliant. 

Right - am going to see what's going on on the forums and then I'm going to get something to eat!!!!

Will try and post again before Halifax - if I don't get chance to, wish me luck on meeting Graeme and getting a Timbo Cuddle!!!!!!!!!!

Mood - Quite happy really considering it's me birthday...
Music - Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me
Edited - Never

2006-05-19 03:43:16
I'm not dead!!!

Am just not currently employed in a job where I have constant internet access!!!

The bastards at the NHS terminated my contract with immediate effect while I was in Scotland.  No big deal really, except I bet I've missed loads on the forums!!!

Am now working for TV Licencing (ie for the BBC) - this is possibly one small step on the ladder of finally working for the BBC.  Am currently handling complaints.  Most of the people seem okay - usually I get them on side quite quickly by dissing the TV licence and then saying "You know what's the worst thing - they show you all the same old repeats, but do they EVER repeat the Goodies?!?!  No!!!  Pathetic!" and everyone I've spoken to LOVES the Goodies.

I'm gonna start a campaign.  It'll tie in with my World Domination plans.  Speaking of which I still haven't heard back from Timbo.  Hmph.  He obviously hates me.

Can't be on long, am nicking my sister's computer to type this.  Just thought you'd all best know I'm still alive.  Am off to cause havoc in the forums for a little while and then I'm going.

If anyone wants to get in touch, you know the email address by now:

Incidentally I am officially too fat to go to ISIHAC.  I can't fit into any of my lovely clothes, and I found out we're SECOND ROW FROM THE STAGE!!!  THAT'S ABOUT TEN FEET FROM DAVID GRAEME GARDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm too fat.  I can't go.  I'll be ashamed of myself.  God I wish I was pretty enough to not have to worry about being fat. 

*contemplates suicide*

Er, not quite.  But am on a total downer on the whole weight front.  Had just started to head towards being okay with myself in a sort of "Ah well at least I still have all my own teeth and my eyes aren't crossed" way, when I registered with a new GP, got weighed and found I was over a stone heavier than I thought I was.  God I'm such a blimpoid...


Still.  Could be worse.  At least I am now completely over the initial shame I felt at being a Bill Luster - am now completely loud and proud over it!!!!!!!!

Mood - Cheery and jolly... ish...
Music - ISIHAC Volume 9 - classic!!!
Edited - Never

2006-04-21 19:10:36
My CAR!!!!

It's beautiful.  I love it. 

Having said that - what a nightmare getting hold of it in the first place!  Right trauma!  The bloke who finally sold it to me said he was glad to see the back of it - apparently the easiest job is getting the number plates on it, but they couldn't find anyone to put them on!!! 

It didn't go altogether smoothly from the Wainwright end either.  Could I find my paper counterpart licence?!  Nooooo....  could I find a bank statement???  Nah.  I think I bin them all (and with my finances I'm not surprised!).  So anyway, I'd signed for my car, I had my keys in my hand, then they said they needed either the paper counterpart for my licence or a bank statement with some transactions on it from within the last 90 days and they couldn't give me my car until they got it.

I nearly cried.  Mum bless her had pulled the house to bits looking for anything resembling a bank statement or a driving licence.  We went home and pulled the house to bits a bit more and finally I found a bank statement from my other bank account which is basically live but I never use it, addressed to my old address (remember we only moved two weeks ago!) and within the last 90 days with a credit AND a debit on it... AND THEY ACCEPTED IT!!!!!

I could've kissed the bloke!  Well I couldn't, of course, he was far too young/short/blond.  But he was a great help - he didn't even work for Kia but he did a great job getting me car for me, I was well impressed.  They even gave me a full tank of petrol (which in this country is flippin' brilliant!).

I just love my car, it's wonderful.  CD player, leccy windows, air con... I feel dead posh in it!!

Started making a food diary last night.  Dunno if it'll help, but it's worth a try.  Mum can't believe how much weight I've lost lately.  I just wish I could get into that piggin' dress.  Well, I've got time.

I go to Scotland tomorrow!!!!  Can't wait, it'll be brilliant.  I'll just have to forget everything from the Loch Ness Monster episode or I'll get beaten up.

HOOTS!!  OCH AYE!!!  MA WEE TATTY BOGLE!!!!  "Oh-oh-oh-oh Roamin' in the gloamin', on the bonny banks of Clyde, roamin' in the gloamin' wi' a lassie by ma side......"


Ahem.  Glad I got it outta me system.

Mood - Chuffed, cheery and generally jolly!
Music - Roamin' in the Gloamin' now!
Edited - 2006-04-21 21:36:28

2006-04-20 21:57:58
Decisions, Decisions...

I've thought about it all a bit more, chatted to the family.  Opinions are like arseholes, everyone's got one, and the people closest to me are no exception.

Everyone thinks it's the best idea I've ever had.  I'm getting so much support for it it's a bit scary.  Nobody has laughed at me yet.  Everyone is now asking me why it took me so long to come to the idea!!!

My eldest sister, Michelle (the nice one who doesn't beat me up for being bulimic!) made a very ingenious suggestion which I think is brilliant.  What I'm going to do, is slowly build up my client base - I'm envisaging that it will take up to two years before I get enough clients and work to be able to properly go it alone, but even if I know I'm going to be mainly temping for other people for the next two years, at least I know it won't be indefinitely.

While I do this on a secretarial basis, I'm going to nightschool to take an accounting/book-keeping course, so I will have more to offer to more businesses.  Then when I've finally got my certificate in accounting/book-keeping, I can do another whopping great mailshot to my current clients and also to other businesses (accountants etc) to say "Hey look, I can offer you something else in addition to typing!  For a rather large fee I will ADD UP for you as well!!!"

Or something similar.  I hate numbers and I'm rubbish with them, but if I'm doing it for myself and not to be under the dictatorship of The Man, then it's all gonna be worth it, I reckon.

And something I WILL be able to offer that no business (i.e. freelance secretarial support/word processing etc) is that if the client WANTS somebody to come into the office, I have no objections to coming in to their office for a couple of days a week.  I'm getting me new car today so I can travel a lot further - I don't mind travelling up to two hours a day to work and up to two hours back if it's only for a couple of days a week so a LOT more of the country is available to me.

It'll require a lot of working out.  Thankfully my brother in law is a self-employed accountant so he can a) give me loads of advice (apparently he thinks my idea is a great one!) and b) help me out with my tax return every year!

It's all looking up!

I spoke to my brother in law's sister last night, we went out for a drink - purposely because we both have bulimia, except she's got it controlled a lot better than I do.  Her relapses are fewer and further between and don't last for as long as they used to.

It was fantastic.  I've never spoken before to someone who completely understands and does and has done exactly what I've been doing for years.  But she gave me so much hope that it can be overcome and it will be all right in the end and I won't be fat - and I will one day be able to keep food in its place!  I can't believe it at the moment, but she's done it... so maybe I can as well.

I think the new business starting up project thing will be a good thing to keep me occupied and take my mind off food/slimming/etc for a while.  I can completely obsess on it and get absorbed in it so I won't have time to think about food.

Again, it's all looking up.  With any luck I'll be getting my car tonight (it's still not 100% whether I will due to mix-ups with moving, licence being stolen etc etc) - it'll be brilliant!!!

Mood - Positive, excited, happy - how long will it last?!
Music - M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!!!!
Edited - 2006-04-21 00:43:44

2006-04-19 21:51:52
Advice/opinions please!!!

Well I've been thinking.  Dangerous, yes, but also quite helpful.  I have now come to a decision over what I would really LIKE to do re: careers, jobs etc.

Comedy writing is the AIM.  If I work hard enough at it I know I can do it.

Temping is horrid and I don't want to do it anymore.  However, the skills and experience I have picked up with temping may help me in a venture that keeps swimming round my head.

I am a secretary and I am a fast, skilled and damn good typist.

I will simply set up a business where people send ME typing and I do it for them.

Audio, copy typing, reports, letters, memos, Powerpoint presentations, medical reports, manuscripts - you name it, I'll type them.  They simply pay me handsomely for my precious time, the tax man takes a few bob off me, and everyone's happy.  Hours to suit, if I don't get on with the boss I'll discuss giving myself a raise to make me work harder.  No chance of me sacking myself and I'll have no problems with getting on with  my colleagues.

I know it's risky and it may not work, but I know I could do it and do it well AND because I'm only a person on my own and not part of a company I know I can undercut similar businesses and still make myself a tidy profit.

All I will need is letterheaded paper, a laptop, a printer, a coupla audio transcription machines, broadband at home and ten of the fastest fingers in the west!!!

Send out a whopping mailshot to businesses all around the country and before I know where I am, I'm in business!!!!

What do you think?  Is it a stupid idea?  Is it feasible?  Can I do it?  Am I just a loony who needs to be locked in a padded cell for thinking silly thoughts?!

You know where the comment button is - let us know what you think!!!!!!!!

Mood - Indecisive... or am I?!
Music - Nowt.
Edited - Never

2006-04-19 19:36:51
Tomorrow is another day...
It's me.  I've been looking at this entirely wrongly.

Not getting the job has not been a bad thing.  In fact, it's been a very good thing.

I am NOT what I have seen myself as for so long - a temp who is incapable of securing a permanent job.  No.

What I AM is a self-employed contractor who is undertaking temporary jobs to support herself until the BBC discovers that she is a comic writing GENIUS and pays her lots of money to write funny stuff to make people laugh.

See?  That's what I am.  Self-employed.  These people are lucky to have me.  When I'm a rich and famous comedy writer (the next Dawn French, if you will!), they'll be sorry they were all so horrid to me.

I'm picking the car up tomorrow.  Should be great.  I won't be online all next week - I'm going to Motherwell for a few days as work have told me to take a week off - so if anyone needs desparately to contact me, send us an email before this Friday and I'll let you have me mobile number to keep in touch.

Not much else to report.  My mates are coming up from London at the beginning of June to play a few gigs in Liverpool.  I'm gonna be the rhythm guitarist's Tour Companion for the night of the 8th.  He did want me on the 11th as well, but I told him my groupieing services take me to other parts of the world - Halifax!!!

I know, it sounds wrong me being Tour Companion for a guitarist - but he's one hell of a drummer as well, he plays drums down the phone to me sometimes and knows not to talk about drumming terminology with me after certain times of the night.  Bless him.  I do actually love him in a not altogether friendly but not altogether romantic type way.  We are actual soulmates, he's lovely.

Can't wait.  I'm gonna take the Friday off work so that me and him can go on one of our Infamous Adventrues together somewhere in the North West during the day.  WAHEYYYY!!!  I'm also off work on the Monday after so I'll have a brilliant long Groupieing weekend!!!!!  WOOOO!!!!!!  It'll be brilliant.  Just what the doctor ordered.

Anyway I'd best attempt some work.  Even though I'm not remotely bothered anymore.

Mood - Very positive, shockingly.
Music - Can't hear anything right now!
Edited - Never

2006-04-19 00:46:00
You'll never guess
Just heard from my new job.

Apparently due to the occupational health assessment from Psycho Twat From Hell - I don't actually have a new job after all.

Mood - Pissed off, depressed etc
Music - None.
Edited - Never

2006-04-18 19:46:11
What a weekend!!

Started off dreadfully.  I had to work till seven on Thursday night because there was a fire on the motorway and everyone was using the road running across the hospital instead of the motorway so there was no point leaving till seven anyway.

Had a horrible tea.  Ate a whole pizza and a few slices of garlic bread.  Knew exactly what I was going to do with that so I bided my time and twenty minutes later made my excuses and went to 'bed'.  Five minutes later Joanna walks on me with my head down the loo, screams, shouts and beats the shit out of me.

I hate her.  Officially.  I have not forgiven her and I won't either.  Like I don't feel a big enough pathetic waste of space as it is.  Stupid bitch.

Cried all night.

Went to stay at a friend's house on Friday through to Sunday and had a lovely time.  On Saturday I'd promised myself I would be allowed a night off so we went for a Mexican meal and I even had dessert!  It was absolutely divine!!  We went to see Alien Autopsy with Ant & Dec in it - classic, EVERYONE should see it, it's hilarious!!!

On Sunday night Joanna's friend and her children came over.  Now, I hate children.  I always have.  However, these two are bearable.  The baby (Leah.  Well she's two, but she's tiny!) is my hero.  She's a little monster, she's fab.  And the eldest girl (Christie) is really sweet, if a touch gormless.

The eldest girl HERO-WORSHIPS me.  I have no idea why.  And I'm not being big-headed, it's true.  Her mum tells me all the time!  She loves me!  She's obviously a very strange child.  Anyway, Joanna's friend (Jayne) and her husband (Jeff) took us both out for a meal and Christie sat next to me and for three hours solid CLUNG to me, CLIMBED on me, told me terrible jokes I had to pretend to laugh at, sang at me and after ten minutes I'd lost the will to live.  I spent the rest of my time trying to regress to my Happy Place (in bed watching the Goodies - hmm, or in bed WITH the Goodies... no that's just wrong.  I'd have to send Tim out for sandwiches...!).  Even Leah sat on my knee for a cuddle, pulled my hair out and slapped my face (her favourite game). 

Why are children drawn to such a non-maternal child hater like me?!?!  Did I do something wrong in a former life?!!?

And the meal was horrible and it was also very fattening.  I came home and cried again.  WILL I EVER GET INTO THAT GODDAM DRESS?!?!?!

Yesterday we went to B&Q (hurrah!!!) because Joanna wants to decorate her room and we need a new kitchen.  The one we inherited is awful - dunno how they ever managed to use it.  Unless they were very skinny midgets.

Anyway - I was in B&Q and I was wearing my Bananaman t-shirt!!!  Don't think anyone aside from me realised the whole Bill Oddie-ness of the situation!!!!

It was great.  Mum got pissed again.  Typical.  She's promised to quit from today.  She can say what she likes but I'm never going to believe her, she promises it too often.  Never mind - see how she goes this week!!

Back at work.  I pick me car up on Thursday!  Yay!!!!

Mood - All right, I suppose!
Music - Nowt, nada, nothin'!
Edited - Never

2006-04-13 19:00:35
Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep!!!

I've had enough of being a miserable git!!!  I am going to revert to my usual madcap hyper happy cheery self!


Went to bed last night to finish off watching Superstar and I declared to my family "Right I am off to watch Bill Oddie take his clothes off!!!"

They were scared.  Shocked, mainly.  I don't think they realised the comedy value of that statement.

Could've been worse, I could've said I was off to watch Graeme Garden's crotch in a wetsuit (which I did after Superstar!).

I'm trying to think of what various exercise type things I can do.  Because most of this awful hulking mass could do with a bit of the old tummy firming bottom perting thigh narrowing exercises.  I'm thinking of planning out a walk around where I live - only half an hour or so a day, maybe do a bit of skipping or dancing or something to make it up to three quarters of an hour/an hour.  If I exercise enough, y'see, then I'll lose weight faster and instead of having loads of skin hanging off me, I'll look quite toned and vaguely athletic.  Only vaguely though. 

Speaking of pert bottoms.  Graeme contemplating jumping out the window in Change of Life.  Heavens.  You know there's not many men who look just as exciting from the back as they are from the front.  I think his bottom's got more pert as he's got older. 

How very thrilling.

I'm still waiting to hear back about my car.  Hopefully they'll get it to me by next Friday but somehow I doubt it strongly.  I'm also waiting to hear back about my job.

Never mind.  I booked the hotel for Halifax.  Technically Halifax is close enough to Preston for us NOT to stay, but my house is tiny and will not house two extra guests and besides, SOME of us need a nerve-calming brandy before we attempt to meet Timbo or Graybags - which if we're driving, I won't be able to have.  So hotel it is. 

OOOH!!!  We could go to the Hard Rock Cafe in Leeds on the Monday... IT'S GOT KEITH MOON'S DRUM IN IT!!!!

I'm really quite excited about it now.

It's Bank Holiday weekend from tomorrow onwards.  Thank God, I'll have enough time to finally clear my room out and get it looking vaguely liveable in.  Sadly my Batman wobble clock broke last night.  I'll have to get the projection Batman alarm clock now (it's great, you press a button and you get a hologram of the Batsignal with the time on!).  For those who don't know, my room IS the Batcave.  I have Batman bedding, a Batman television/DVD combi (with a bat shaped remote control!!!), Batman posters, it just rocks.

I also have two Goodies posters behind my door... but that's just for eye candy when I wake up...  Oh and a poster of Robert Newton as Long John Silver behind my cupboard door so I can yell "AHAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!" every time I open the aforementioned cupboard.  And also added eye candy.  I admit it.  I fancy Robert Newton rotten.  He could shiver my timbers any day (well if he wasn't dead, like.  Or 101 years old!).  He looks like Keith Moon!!!  And he was utterly ravageable in Jamaica Inn.  Specially when he wore a pair of trousers that would've made Graeme Garden jealous!!!!!!!!!


Nothing terrible's happened yet - but it's only 10:15, give it time. 

I'm seriously considering getting help for the eating disorders after I change GPs.  Only thing is I think there's only one eating disorder clinic around here and I am NOT going back there.  It was decorated black, pink and purple.  I felt like a total loony just by walking in there.  And the woman who was psycho-analysing me was this drop dead gorgeous size 10 stick thing who didn't laugh at any of my jokes.  What would SHE know about it???  And not laughing at my jokes is NOT the way to put me at my ease. 

I'm just fed up of having a panic attack every time I eat something that isn't fruit.  Nobody at home can even begin to understand it.  Not that they want to.  I would just like to be able to eat a meal and not either a) have two desserts and three bags of crisps and a bottle of wine and a few rounds of toast and peanut butter after it or b) have to throw it all up or c) WORRY about it.  I AM FINALLY GOING TO BE BRAVE AND GET HELP!!!!

I hope.  I mean even the professionals say I have a great insight into my disorder but the fact I have it anyway is a bit worrying.  Dunno what the hell they can do with that.  Still I'm sure they'll relish the challenge.

Enough of me benig boring.  I'm going to go home after work and watch Tim spank Bill.  And Bill in a tutu...

Mood - Strangely excited for some unknown reason!!!
Music - The Top Ten At Ten on the radio.
Edited - Never

2006-04-12 19:26:20
My Occupational Health Trauma

Good God the things we do to secure jobs for ourselves.

I went for an Occupational Health assessment yesterday to basically find out if I could cope with taking on the job.

I was assessed by a man who looked just like the Infamous Ex-Boyfriend - so I was torn between attempting to snog him and beating the crapola out of him.  At any rate, I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him, and as he was about 6'4", that would've been very difficult, even for me!

He was AWFUL.  He asked me about the car crash and falling in the bath and if I had any ongoing problems from that.  I said no, I'm fine now thankyou, and that was okay.

Then he comes to the Bulimia, Binge-Eating and Self Harming.

Good GOD he was like a dog with a bone.  He would not let it drop.  I felt like I was on trial.  He kept asking me how I dealt with stress at work, and why I'd started with depression in the first place and what the problem was and when was the last time I self-harmed and when was my last bulimic episode and did I know I was taking an extremely unhealthy route of dealing with my problems and I need to get it sorted out and blah blah blah blah blah blah... and I'm traumatised.

I basically had to beg and plead for my job.  I've never felt so humiliated.  It was awful.  I would have rather gone for eighty interviews than one Occupational Health Assessment.

He passed me in the end, but only for six months.  Am so glad he didn't check me blood pressure or anything because it was probably through the roof, I was so freaked out.  He was trying to take the conversation down roads I hadn't been down for too long and wasn't ready to get those feelings back again and I wasn't having any of it.  I don't like it.

Then, the cheeky sod asked if I had a boyfriend and when I said no, he said "Why?"

What do I say?  "Because I'm 5'9", I weigh over 18 stone, I'm hideously ugly and I have more hang ups than a fucking coat rack - no man is ever going to look at me!  That's why!!!"  Berk.  I just told him it was because the boyfriend in question had run off with a married woman.

"So you did have a boyfriend but now you don't?" he says.

"Yes, that's right, you're catching on," I answered.

"How did that make you feel?" he asked.

"Well that's a bloody stupid question isn't it?  I felt like crap.  I felt awful.  I wanted to shoot myself.  But then again if the person you were in love with ran off with a married person twice your age YOU'D be pretty pissed off too, wouldn't you?!?!?" I shouted inside, but I actually said, "Well obviously I wasn't too happy about it but not to worry that's all in the past now."

I hate him.  I never want to see him again.  Why on earth did he have to ask me that?!?!  As if I don't have a complex about it anyway!!! 

It was like he was trying to catch me out all the time and make me say indirectly that I wasn't confident that I could fulfill that role.  What's it to do with him?!?! 

Any professional can tell you - when you're having shit going on at home you leave it at home.  Whatever inner turmoil you're going through, you do not let it affect your work.  That's just how it is.  Work is completely removed from all other aspects of your life.  You put a front on if you're having a crap time of things.  You get on with it.  It's the only way, unless you have time and money and patience to indulge yourself in intensive counselling sessions and take months off work while you get used to anti-depressants and all that shit.

God I'm still really angry about it.

I came home and cried.  Unsurprisingly.

I decided to watch the commentary to Kitten Kong.  Classic.

Then I MADE myself watch Superstar all the way through (first time I hid under the bedclothes when Bill started stripping!).  It's the undoing of the gold blouse/cardie/top thing that's the most perverse and "I don't know whether to try and ravage you or run off and hide!" bit. 

That man has got THE most evil dirty gleam in his eye ever.  Even worse than Keith Moon dressed up as Uncle Ernie.

Best line in Superstar:

TIM:  You're not Randy!
BILL:  [dirty giggle] Oh yes I am!!!!

Started watching Rule OK but fell asleep.  Had really odd dreams about Spiderman and Venom and that I had to rescue my neice and nephews who were little children again.  It was pretty scary.

Anyway, hopefully today will go a bit better.  Tried my dress on.  Too tight but give us a coupla months and I'll be in it.  Bought a skipping rope so I shall start exercising.  I'm gonna try to build up to half an hour a day.  That's only one Goodies episode.  I'm gonna try and get down to 14 stone.  Then I should be Slim And Gorgeous.  Well.  Slim.

I don't want to be thin, you understand.  I am eventually aiming for a size 14/16 - as opposed to the 20/22 I take now (I look thinner, fortunately!).  So that's like three dress sizes and four and a bit stone - which is achievable.  It may take a year but it's definitely achieveable.

Oh well.  Onwards and upwards...!!

Mood - Don't know, actually. I think I'm okay.
Music - A Man's Best Friend is His Duck
Edited - Never

2006-04-11 00:29:38
Eating Disorders. Mine, actually.

I feel thinner.  This diet must be working.  I'm eating.  Not starving myself AND overdosing on laxatives on the odd occasion I do eat anything as usual.  And the weight is actually coming off.  I lost 5lbs in one week.  Dunno if/how much I've lost this week cos we've lost the scales.  But good god I work in a hospital - there must be some scales knocking about the place somewhere.

Had to come off my diet at the weekend cos we didn't have a kitchen in operation and we just had to eat out of necessity - we were working so hard.  I've never run up and down as many stairs with as many heavy boxes in my life.  Hopefully that's done something for my exercise levels.  I had pudding and chips on Saturday and snacked all day on Sunday - tried to keep as healthy as possible but by 8 o'clock I gave up and scoffed a load of Doritos and I ended up having three bags of French Fries (only 80 calories per bag and only about 1.5g saturated fat, mind you, so it wasn't ALL bad news).

I ate an egg mayonnaise sandwich on Friday on WHITE bread with FULL FAT mayonnaise and had a panic attack afterwards because I was so convinced it'd pile five stone on me.  I had to call my sister and she had to spend about ten minutes reassuring me that I hadn't blown it and I wasn't a failure just for having one sandwich.

Eating disorders DO rule your entire life.  No matter how much of a handle you THINK you have on it - you never do.  You will always be controlled by food.  Because it's something you cannot live without.  If I was a smoker, I could quit smoking.  If I was an alcoholic, I could quit drinking.  But I have a serious problem with food.  How do I quit eating?

I can't really be categorised.  I flit between anorexia, bulimia and binge-eating disorder on a regular basis so that my metabolism is now totally screwed up.  I don't eat normally. 

I'll give you an e.g.  When normal people 'go a bit mad' they tend to eat *A* bar of chocolate or *TWO* bags of crisps or *A* takeaway or drink * a couple* of vodkas.  Not me.  I eat A BOX of chocolates AND five bags of crisps AND a takeaway AND a couple of sandwiches AND a tub of ice-cream AND drink AT LEAST half a bottle of rum and full sugar Coca-Cola.  And if I don't really want it I force it down me. 

When I do go on a diet, I become literally TERRIFIED of eating.  The fear can become so bad that I will either swallow a box of laxatives or spend twenty minutes making myself throw up everything I've eaten.  If I can't do that I will jump up and down and run on the spot for however long it takes until I either a) collapse or b) think I might've burned some calories off.

It's odd news, this eating disorder lark.  I don't really talk about it much because it makes me feel like a bit of a freak but today I'm going to.  I normally take the piss out of it because it's such an idiotic condition to have.  It really is.  You think about it logically.  It's food.  It's just there to keep you going.  Most people only think about food when they're hungry, if then.  To me, food is absolutely EVERYTHING.  It's either my best friend or my worst enemy - and most times both.  It's my reward, my consolation and my punishment.  It is literally everything to me.

When I'm in non-dieting mode I usually eat one meal a day - in the evening.  When I'm in bingeing mode I eat one meal a day - continually from wake to sleep.  At evenings on my own I tuck myself away in my room and eat and eat and eat until I fall asleep.

When I'm in dieting mode (like I am now) food occupies my every waking thought.  Literally.  I wake up and I think "I MUST eat to start my metabolism.  But what shall I eat?" then after breakfast its "I must remember to eat some lunch.  Gosh I'd like a bar of chocolate.  I can't have chocolate.  I wonder how many calories are in this, that and the other."  I talk about food constantly.  I worry about what food I eat, I don't enjoy any food I eat, I get so hungry I just throw food down me and it doesn't touch the sides.  Then after I've eaten I'll panic for about an hour about how much weight it's going to put on me and what I can do do burn the calories off.

I'm too scared to eat anything other than fruit during the day - and because I'm so hungry I eat loads and loads (I mean I eat a bunch of bananas, a load of melon and loads of grapes EVERY DAY).  It's binge-eating disorder with fruit.  I cannot cope.  But the more healthy stuff I eat, the more I feel in control.  The less I eat, the happier I am.  If I could ever have a meal and NOT clear my plate then I would feel like the most amazing person on earth.  I've never done that.

In the last year my weight has fluctuated between 20 and 15 stone.  I've got arthritis in my knees (which at 22 years of age is just pathetic), stretchmarks all over my body with the amount of weight I've lost and gained so quickly and I have about as much self-confidence as an omoeba. 

It's stupid.  Logically I know it's all really really stupid.  I am not an imbecile.  I am a quite intelligent person.  I know logically, objectively, that my feelings towards food are entirely ridiculous.  But it is the one and only thing in my life I can control completely.  I can't control my job, my family, my home, anything else.  But I am now completely past the stage of controlling food - I am now at the stage where food is controlling me.  Which is even more ridiculous, completely pathetic and it makes me feel like the world's biggest failure.

I'm not that depressed.  I'm really not.  I'm quite happy today actually.  I've just never written down what all this food does to me and my head and my body before.  I thought it'd be interesting to just vent and see what comes out.

I'd be quite interested if anyone else has the same/similar disorders and can tell me that I am not the freak I think I am and that other people have felt the same way too!!!  I understand it's quite an embarrassing thing to talk about so if you want to email me rather than comment then do feel free -

Oh, and incidentally - I moved at the weekend!!!!  House is tiny.  Hopefully it'll all work out okay though.

Mood - Just really tired after all that house moving!!
Music - 97.4 Rock FM. Which doesn't play rock music. Hm.
Edited - Never

2006-04-06 22:02:09
Interviews are like buses...

Nothing for ages and then I get about eight thousand at once!

In the week since I accepted the job at Lancashire Care I've received interview dates for five jobs elsewhere in the NHS.  I've had to turn two down flat, I'm thinking about one and I'm going to another just to be polite (because it's nearer and more money!).  Can't believe I'm so popular.

I'm impressed.

Watched the rest of Series 9 last night.  Between Tim spanking Bill, Tim trying to squeeze Bill's nipples (was there something going on there that we didn't know about?!), some gratuitous belly wobbling by all three Goodies and Bill playing the crap out of a (never thought I'd hear myself say this) gorgeous looking Yamaha kit I think I need a cold shower.

I must say though I thought Bill had a lovely drummery body - don't know why they were laughing at him so much!  I was getting oddly turned on by the amount of cream cake smeared over him...  Very Keith Moon-ish. 

*sigh*  Keith Moon and cream cake.  Gosh I've not thought of that for TOO long.  No wonder I've been so stressed out lately.

I was rather delighted to discover that Graeme did have a belly.  Bless him. 

To be honest I don't think the last ever episode was a particularly good one to go out on. 

Bill offering to lick Tim's face and stick his wet nose in his ear... 

Good god TIM AND BILL WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


There's no other explaination. 

Although why did Graeme leave Tim his Union Jack posing pouch in his will?????

Ah... the being doomed to be Bachelors Gay from The End must've caught up with them.

I don't want to think about it - it's too depressing.

I've got to go for an Occupational Health medical on Tuesday for me job.  I thought they were going to request copies of me medical records from the GP so I thought I'd best be totally honest with them, so I wrote down about my self-harming and bulimia and binge-eating.  I mean I've got it under control now, I'm fine.  Vaguely.  But anyway, the point is now I've learned my lesson re: the NHS so if there's anything wrong with me like that I a) won't tell the doctors, b) will refuse to see another bloody dietician who tries to psycho-analyse me and c) I won't take any more time off work and come back to people thinking I'm a freak and walking round on eggshells for fear of sending me over the edge again.

Problem solved.

Just had a rather odd conversation with Mum about my voicemail message.  She seems to think that because my voicemail message (which until today was a parody on Graeme's "this is your leader speaking" Rant on Radio Goodies) is so stupid, any prospective employers who hear that message will automatically think I am mentally retarded, and seeing my history of being a nutcase will just make them more convinced than ever that I'm not to be trusted to take on a role of any responsibility and so I won't get the job.  Could've killed her!  Cheeky sod.  None of her business what's on my goddam phone, or anyone else's for that matter.  I asked Occi Health whether me having to go for a medical would mean that I wasn't going to get my job, and they said not in the least, it was just to check that I didn't need any more support or anything for when I start working there.

I'm still pretty stressed out, and now I'm on a diet I've taken my sort of crutch away cos I'm not forever bingeing like I used to - so I'm basically having to deal with it all on my own.  Scary!!!

Not to worry.  I've still got the Goodies to watch.  Then again, not tonight I'm afraid cos we're actually moving tomorrow.  Apparently.  Can't stand it.  Don't wanna go!!  Just wish I'd had more time to do my packing. 

Mood - Okay I suppose, thinking on it!
Music - The radio. It's that Nickelback song...
Edited - Never

2006-04-05 19:32:56
I'm getting my car!!!!!!

Got the call last night to tell me that a nice bright shiny new Kia Picanto is MINE!!!  ALL MINE!!!

Brilliant.  I'm going up to Motherwell in a few weeks to visit my chum, so hopefully I'll have the car by then.  I know I'll definitely have it for Halifax!!  Wooo!!!  I think Tim and Graeme'll be easier to kidnap if we lure them into a nice new shiny comfy car with air conditioning...

It'll have a CD player in it as well - how thrilling, I can listen to the Mamas and Papas and Beach Boys during the summer!!!  Woooo!!!!!  I just can't wait.

I watched some of series 9 last night.  Good god I was scared.  Tim has Bill over his knee, Bill wearing a tight jumper, false boobs, thigh-length boots and a mini skirt (it was scarily lovely!) - and Tim IS SPANKING HIM!!!!!!!!!!

That isn't comedy.  That is soft porn. Graeme then rushes in and says to Bill:  "Helga, you're fired.  You've yet again DELIBERATELY aroused Tim!!" And Tim was still there, getting this... look on his face....... and spanking Bill.... and .....  I was quite worried.

I couldn't sleep cos every time I did I just saw visions of Tim saying to Bill "Helga, you're a naughty girl and you must be spanked!" and starting to spank him again!!!!  ARGH!!!!

The worst thing about it is, at school, one of my mates (after a History project on the Vikings) decided we should all have Scandinavian names.  So she called me Helga!!! 

Then I had another Tim Dream.  Another OF THOSE Tim Dreams.  I don't like it.  Well I did at the time, but I don't like it.  It's scary.  I knew watching Tim spank Bill in a mini-skirt could only have strange repercussions...

Oh god now I've said percussion... I'm going to have to have a lie-down in a darkened room and take a cold shower.


*sigh* those there shorts...........  *thud*

I may have to watch a lot of Christmas Night With the Stars as therapy.  Those tights...

Mood - More chuffed than the chuff of a chuff's chuff!!
Music - None yet but I imagine the radio'll be on soon!
Edited - Never

2006-04-04 19:18:31
Series 2 is traumatic...

Specially the Women's Lib episode.  Tim and Graeme groping a miscellaneous blonde is bad enough - but Graeme getting it on with a computer??!?!!??!!???  I was very jealous.  erm.  Traumatised, I mean.

And surely there have got to be some laws against riding Tim and whipping him on a 'kids's show'??!!!!?!?!


Had a fantastic night with Peej last night.  We went to Toys R Us cos I was looking for a skipping rope or even better, a skip-it.  Dunno if you remember them, but about fifteen years ago they were all the craze.  I was dead good at it - the one and only athletic thing I've ever been any cop at.

Basically it's a piece of rope type thing, with a loop on one end that you stick on your ankle.  Then on the other end there's like some sort of a ball with a bell or a counter or something in, and you sort of twizzle the rope round your ankles and jump over the rope with the other leg as it comes round so you don't trip over.  It's dead difficult, but I totally rocked at it.  No, really, I did - I got up to a thousand skips once!!  That's gotta be some sort of a record!!  Anyway, we found one, but it was in a set and it cost 20!!  (approx.  $300000 AUS)  We decided not to invest in it, but we were doing the skip-it actions for a while in the middle of the shop, which was very amusing!!

We went shopping for our tea at Sainsbury's as well, then came home & watche The Goodies.  We bought a coupla t-shirts and some fabric paint so we're making our very own "I'm A Goody" t-shirts.  Mine's gonna be purple & yellow a la Bill (they didn't have any orangey t-shirts a la Graybags!) and Peej's is gonna be Blue and Green a la Timbo  - but hers is gonna say "I'm A Teapot"!

We rock.

We watched loads of Goodies episodes.  Just got series 2, 3, 9 and the specials.  Watched Superstar last night.  I am still scared.  Bill in that... thing he wore on stage at Top of the Pops.  I don't think I'll ever recover.  I was truly truly scared.

I can't stand it.  Started watching The Goodies Rule - OK and had to give up after Wild Thing cos I was so tired. 

I wrote to Timbo last night!!!!!!!!

It's true.  I've been having so much trouble locating a copy of Land of Hope and Glory, I wrote to him detailing my plans for world domi - er, my priate radio station and my trouble in having LOHAG to make my speeches more weighty and empowering.

He'll either a) decide I am just another loony and completely ignore me or b) write back and ask if he could join my parliament!!!!!

I've told him that if he plays his cards right there's an OBE in it for him!!!!!!  I know how to get people on side.  Woimen - men in tight trousers, men - women in tight trousers.  Tim - an OBE.

*sigh* I rule.

Well, I will.

Anyway, am going to ask my chum up in Motherwell if I can visit her for a copule of days at the end of April as I've been told I must take a week off then. 

I got a letter from the Manchester Childrens Hospital today saying they want to interview me next Wednesday for the secretary job at the hospital!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Good god I'm so popular!!!!

Am gonna go for it.  More money.  Haven't started the Estates and Facilities thing yet.  You never know, they may want me there.  And if I do get a job in Manchester it'll make me HAVING to move house  a much more feasible idea.  I'm a genius....

Don't fancy working in Manchester because I hate mancunians, but never mind.  Money!!!!!! 

I hate children too.  Dunno why I'm going for it.  Never mind.

Mood - Much happier than yesterday
Music - Wild Thing (Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!)
Edited - Never

2006-04-03 21:19:42
I'm pining for the fjords!!!

I am in love with Norway.  It is the most beautiful country I have ever seen.  I've not seen many countries, admittedly, but Norway is so beautiful I want to marry it!!!!!!!

Had a brilliant time.  It was quite expensive, but not as expensive, or maybe on a par as expensive as London. Stayed in the most beautiful hotel ever.  The food was delicious.  The people were wonderful.  I just can't say enough how much I love it there.

I'm going back in August I think.  With Clayre.  We had a really groovy time and we laughed practically non-stop.  We were particularly amazed that we could walk the streets after dark and not be even a little afraid.

Got home and World War Three had broken out.  Bang goes my relaxed frame of mind.  Basically mum had a basal cell carcinoma removed on Friday.  She's fine but she's been really nervous and hitting the bottle even harder than usual (and from a woman who averages a bottle of whisky a day I think you'll get the idea!!!).  She found out on Sunday that my cousin had run off with my other cousin's wife.  She's devastated.  We are all quite upset about it because we love our David to bits and we can't really stand our Alan.  He's just a bit of a knob.  As we now know.

So she got absolutely shitfaced yesterday to block everything out.  Now, when mum gets drunk (most days), she becomes VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY annoying.  So annoying you want to scream at her.

Our  Joanna (my sister, who incidentally I am forever being told I should be more like, even though she's a rotten person to live with and she's got a really nasty violent streak, but she cooks and cleans so what does anything else matter?!) was trying to cook the tea that night, mum kept trying to help her and got on her nerves.  One minute mum was just being annoying, the next minute she was crumpled on her bed, crying in agony because Joanna had hit her.  I think she broke her finger, it looked awful it was right out of shape.

You know what happened?  MUM APOLOGISED TO JOANNA.

It's pathetic.  I buy a fucking record and I'm the world's worst.  Joanna runs riot over our house and beats the shit out of my mum and she gets bloody well THANKED for it.

She makes me sick.  I'm not going home tonight for a good few hours until she's in bed.  I've got nothing I want to say to her any more.  I think she's pathetic.  I know it's awful to say that to your sister but I've had enough of her being like she is and DEMANDING repsect form all of us.

Respect her?  I don't even like her.

So my nerves are now as taut as they were before I went away.  Great.  I can't bloody stand it.

Not all bad news, mind you.  I've been on my diet for one week and I've lost five pounds!!!!!  Not just in cash, either!!!!!

Sent off me occupational health and criminal record check thing to me new job today.  Faxed AND posted it so they've definitely got it.

Was told by my boss (who's now back after Tuesday's fiasco!) that I HAVE to take a holiday on week beginning 24th April.  It's bloody ridiculous.  They're making me stay off cos they've got someone they like more who's coming in for a week or so.  I hate this place they're just so fucking childish and pathetic.

By then I should hopefully be in my lovely new job with people who are straight with you and people who don't <expletive deleted> you about with wages, hours, and god knows what.

And to make matters even worse I had a dream about Tim last night.  One of THOSE dreams!!!  I was so freaked out!!!!! 

Still feel maternal about him, mind you.  Nothing's changed, no matter HOW great it was (and good golly it really really was!!  Ahem.)

Oh it could be worse, I suppose.  Sorry for continually whinging on this thing!!!

Mood - Really annoyed.
Music - Not a ping.
Edited - Never

2006-03-31 18:30:04
Journalling Badge Number THREE!!!!!

This is it - what I've been striving for ever since I joined this 'ere website!!!


Surely by now I should at least be in line for CONSIDERATION for my World Domination Badge...

My test drive yesterday was a bit of a nightmare.  There'd been a really bad crash mid-morning on the road the garage was on so the traffic was gridlocked all day on that road.

I got in, said I was there for the three o'clock test drive, was told that nobody could see me from Kia so they got someone who worked for Hyundai to take me on the test drive, sort out the paperwork etc - he'd only been there for a month, bless him, he barely knew about Hyundais!  I had to tell HIM all about Kias!!  It was bloody ridiculous.

Then someone came in to pick up their brand spanking new Kia and he had to go and sort them out (hardly anyone else was in) and then he had to take them to the garage to fill their petrol tank up and cos of the traffic it took him over an hour to get back.  I was bored stiff.

Then we went on the drive and immediately got stuck in traffic.

If any of you fancy one, Kia Picantos are FANTASTIC in first gear and can do 0-5 miles an hour in 0.1 seconds.  Don't know much else.

It's a lovely car mind you.  Really nice to drive.  The indicator lever and the windscreen wiper lever are on opposite sides (i.e. the indicator's on the right and the windscreen wipers on the left) - so every time I wanted to go left or right I switched on the windscreen wipers!!  But it's not too bad, I'll get used to it.  IF I get it.

They've got to go through a pretty huge credit check and they reckon if they can't get me credit for a car, nobody can!!

I am screwed, and not in a good way.

Went shopping for clothes last night - got loads of little tops to wear over each other - am thinking SCIENTIFICALLY about this.  Graeme would be so proud of me...

Everyone laughed at me for buying one of those plug adaptor thingies for UK to European plugs cos I'm taking my hairdryer with me.  I thought it was me being sensible.  Never mind.

Lost my temper completely and utterly for the first time in my life last night.  Just snapped.  It had been building up for weeks and I screamed like a mad idiot when mum and dad picked a completely unfair row with me.  Nearly hit them.  Not proud of it now but at least I know I CAN lose my temper.  I must just have an incredibly long fuse (said the electrician to the young housewife left alone while her husband was away at work!)...  They do my head in sometimes.  But last night was just uncalled for. 

I'd bought the soundtrack to a film called Stardust off Ebay for a tenner.  I love that film, it's got Moonie in it - but the reason I bought it was because the band in the film made some really cool songs and I was chuffed to find out there was actually a soundtrack. 

Anyway they ask what Stardust is, and I say "It's a film with David Essex, and Adam Faith, and Paul Nicholas... *mumble* and Keith Moon."

Now I know mum and dad don't like Keith Moon, but I thought they were over telling me I'm going to die before I'm forty if I'm a fan of his (dunno how that one works but anyway).  But that wasn't even the reason I'd bought the soundtrack, it was literally for the songs.

So they start tearing into me telling me I make their lives a misery and my attitude stinks and I'm utterly selfish and I hate them and I'm obviously intent to destroy my family and blah blah blah blah blah....  I wouldn't mind but I'd literally just walked through the door after being out at work all morning and stuck in traffic all bloody afternoon - didn't get home till nearly seven!!

It's been so long since they've gone at me like that I'd forgotten how awful it was - (usually this results in me going out, buying five boxes of chocolate, forcing them down my neck, taking a huge handful of painkillers and taking slices out of my arms - thankfully it didn't this time, but I was VERY close to doing it!) but this time I just screamed right back at them... which obviously made it worse because they weren't expecting it.  Have given up caring what they think about me.  I know who I am and where I'm going and what's in my heart and if that isn't good enough for them then I'm sorry but tough. 

Anyway - NORWAY TOMORROW!!!!!!!

Will keep you updated re: the car.  Hope I get it.  It'll be so lovely if I do!!!

Sorry for venting, but still, this is what a journal's for!!

Mood - Exhausted - five hours sleep doesn't agree with me
Music - A Walk in the Black Forest... no not really!
Edited - 2006-03-31 18:45:36

2006-03-30 18:06:38
One step closer to... MY THIRD JOURNALLING BADGE!!

Which, as everyone knows, means I'm one step closer to my World Domination Badge!!!!!!!

I shall not rest till I get it...

Well I will, obviously.  You can't run the world on no sleep - I am NOT Margaret Thatcher!!

I went to see Clayre last night.  We're going to Norway together on Saturday, just for the weekend - flying out on Saturday afternoon, coming home Sunday evening.  I sound like I'm minted, don't I?  The tickets were only 1.99 each way!!!  The hotel we're staying in is a 16th century hotel which looks gorgeous on t'internet, and it's only 40 each for the night.  Bargain.  Hopefully there'll be some heating in there as well.  Apparently it's freezing up there and I have NO warm clothes past a little polo neck jumper and a few t-shirts.  Never mind, I shall rectify this problem later when I go out shopping.  Am going to go down the route of Lots of Thin Layers instead of One Thick Layer.  Then I get to wear me Batman t-shirts and everyone thinks I'm well cool.

I'm leaving at two o'clock this afternoon for me test drive at three.  Can't wait.  Hope I get it.  Should do, now's I've got me job.

Told everyone I've got the job, everyone's well chuffed.  I've done temp work for five years on and off (mostly on) and I've been desparate for a permanent NHS job for years - and now I've got one!!!

*grin*  It's not technically MEDICAL, it's just a normal secretary post.  I won't need to know any big words and I won't ever have to speak to a patient or sort out a waiting list.  It'll be great. 

I really don't care enough to be a proper medical secretary.  I'm sorry, I'm quite heartless really!!!  Still, organising meetings, typing up minutes and diary management is what I do best so it's a good job I've got that job!!

Will let you know how the test drive goes tomorrow...

Mood - Tired but happy I always say!!
Music - The Cricklewood Shakedown in my head!
Edited - Never

2006-03-30 01:10:25
I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Got the phonecall about five minutes ago to tell me that I'd been the strongest applicant at the interview and could I start in approximately one month's time.

I considered the offer very seriously, and after - ooh - half a nanosecond I promptly bit their hand off. 

Not literally you understand.

I'VE GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!

A flat, a car and FREEDOM are so much closer now.......!!!!!!!!!!


Mood - Relieved, jubiliant, hysterical - REALLY HAPPY!!!
Music - Been singing Taking my Oyster for Walkies all day.
Edited - Never

2006-03-29 21:05:24
Thank you everybody!!!!!

Can't believe so many people are bothered I had such a horrid day yesterday!!!  Thank you all for being such lovely wonderful human beans.

Found out last night BIRMINGHAM IS OFF!!!  I mean, for me, like, nobody else.  Found out I'd had a prior engagement I'm unable to wangle out of.  I knew 28th May sounded familiar...!

So I 'm going to have to really make the most of Halifax.  The Graeme-napping plans as detailed on Tim's thread can only be put into operation on the one chance I've got...

Hey wouldn't it be dead funny if Grae and Tim had read the Graeme-napping plans and thought it was so funny they decided to play along...

Hahahahaha!!!  Gosh it really WOULD be funny!!!

I dunno why the trandem needs to be involved but it probably does.

I'm in a much less whingy sweary mood today thankfully.  Gosh I was quite coarse yesterday wasn't I?! 

Mum and dad got back from their holiday and they'd bought me a plastic kid's pirate hat.  I love it.  I put it on and went round doing all me favourite Robert Newton quotes!!!!  Ahaarrr!!!

Actually Bill does a pretty good Bobby N impression in Punky Business and in Lighthouse Keeping Loonies!!  Very impressive.

Am waiting to hear back today whether I got the job last Thursday or not.  Doubt it.  Won't be upset if I haven't because I knew the moment they asked the first question I'd not got it.

Never mind.  There's plenty more jobs in

And if all else fails I'll do what I've always wanted to do and become a comedy writer.

Mood - Strangely upbeat considering I'm still depressed!
Music - Not a sausage
Edited - Never

2006-03-28 20:06:10

Bloody fucking women.  I hate them.  Give 'em a bit of power and they go mad with it.

(Am I allowed to say this speaking as a woman, or am I now being sexist?!)

This woman, who isn't my usual boss, is standing in for a week.  I gave her my timesheet, which was mainly right.  Fact is I never take a lunch break but they take 30 minutes a day off me anyway, so really whatever times I put down they get the best deal on.

Anyway, two days running I put down I worked 9-5, which were about right.  I probably worked about half nine to half five, which is no different.  She didn't send my timesheet off yesterday which was the deadline day - and didn't bother telling me about it.  Got a phonecall off the agency to say "Where the hell is your timesheet?" I called Suzette and asked and she told me about these discrepancies and I said "Look, just amend it how you like, I really don't mind.  I wasn't sure what times I'd come in, but if I come in late I usually it up by staying late at night so I will have done those hours anyway!"

Apparently she was told (god only knows who by, there's no clocking in or clocking out thing to be done) that I came in at 9:20 one day and 9:25 the other day.  Big fucking deal.  I probably stayed till six a couple of nights and forgot to put it down on me timesheet so they've still wangled more work for free out of me. 

The official deadline is twelve o'clock which is half an hour away and she's still not fucking well done it.  Stupid fucking bitch.  I go to Norway on Saturday AND I have to get my car taxed on Friday and if I'm not paid I'm screwed.

If I don't get paid, I am NOT coming in on Monday.  They've fucked me about enough in this job, and I don't have a good enough contract to bother sticking around.


I'm going for a test drive on Thursday for one of them new-fangled Kia Picanto thingies.  Hopefully I'll get it. I really hope so - cos if not I'm not very confident my current old banger will get us to and from Halifax and Birmingham without the assistance of the AA.

Hmph.  I'm going to nag the woman again.  I am so pissed off with this.  I could cry.  If she worked odd hours one week she'd still bloody well expect to be paid. 


Mood - Totally pissed off
Music - None.
Edited - Never

2006-03-27 22:03:43
Well okay by the time next Thursday comes it'll be NO SLEEP TILL BIRMINGHAM cos that's the first one we're going to - but anyway!!!!

I'm so excited I can't begin to tell you!!!!


I'm still calling to see if I can get through - and it's still engaged.  Ridiculous.  Dunno where the seats are, but frankly so long as we're there, after all that hassle, I'm not too bothered where they are.  I imagine a seat on  Graeme's lap is quite out of the question so anything else'd be second best anyway!!!!!!!!!  hahaha!!!

Kirstyn (that's the urban_spacegirl to you!) and I did contemplate just turning up at Halifax with a sob story of how we tried our hardest but failed to get tickets and then hopefully Graeme would say that as we'd been SO devoted to come to meet them even though we didn't get to the gig, we could have one of his hands each to fondle.


I've got it all worked out - what I'm wearing (I'm dieting like crazy - as of today - so I WILL get into the clothes I want to!!  I will not be a blimp by the time I meet Fuzzychops.  I will instead look very voluptuous and womanly - as opposed to spherical!!!).  For one of the dates (depends on which has the best seats really!!) I'm wearing my looooooooovely 60s button-through dress, it's turquoise with white trimming and white buttons, black crocheted tights, black 60s shoes and a huge eff-off pair of false eyelashes!!  For the other I'm wearing my 60s-esque Black and white dogtooth suit with a black top.  If it's a bit chilly it'll be a black turtleneck, if not I'll find something else to wear.  Either that or my red and black get-up.  But definitely the turqoise dress!!!

Need to find a place that sells chunky silver rings so I can have Ringo vibes.  I need some drummery vibes to give me courage, and as I'll be driving, brandy and ginger will be out of the question so there goes my Keith Moon vibes...!!!

Good god I'm so excited.  I don't think I'll ever calm down.


Can't wait.  Two months, two weeks and one day to go!!!!!!!!!

Wish me luck with the 3 tonnes I've got to lose by then...!!!

I WILL DO IT!!!!!!  I WILL!!!!!  I must!!!

Mood - Completely hysterical!
Music - It'll be Walk In The Black Forest when I get home!
Edited - Never

2006-03-27 19:41:54
Oh the torture...

Two minutes to ten I rang the theatre.  From that time almost continuously till about thirty seconds ago I have been trying to get through.  My phone died so I've had to use work's number. 

Work have obviously figured out what I'm up to and have now blocked the theatre's number from my phone.

I want to cry I'm so fed up.  WHY CAN'T JUST ONE LINE BE OPEN!??!!?  I only want to buy three bloody tickets, not the bloody theatre!!!!!!!!!

It's only a sodding radio show, not a bloody Who-> gig!!!!!!  In fact, the Who-> tickets were a lot easier to book.

Kirstyn's trying to book the tickets as well.  Hope she gets through.  If she doesn't we're scuppered.  We will only have Birmingham on which to pin all our hopes of Graeme-napping Graeme!!!

Course we wouldn't hurt him.  Unless he asked nicely.

I shall post again when I find out any news of any ticket booking.

In the meantime if anyone has three spare tickets knocking about the place for the Halifax date please let me know!!!

Mood - Pissed off
Music - Nothing except the sound of my stomach churning!!
Edited - Never

2006-03-26 06:10:00
It's official. I'm Graeme.

Bizarre.  I was sure I'd be Bill.  I'm obviously not outrageous enough.

Speaking of William Edgar, there was a programme on last night about school reports and he was on it.  Apparently he got into trouble for not handing a note over to his teacher that he'd been writing in class (a VERY personal one to his then girlfriend, apparently!  Lordy.  If it was anything like Sunny Morning or She Wouldn't Understand I dread to think...!) and the teacher said that what Bill thought was humour was actually more insolence in his report!!!

Ha, if only he'd known!!!!!!

Everton lost today.  I'm very depressed.  Normally if they lose it's a blow but it's okay.  Today we lost to THE SCUM.  Yes.  THE SCUM.

For all non-scouse readers, I mean Liverpool.  It was derby day today.  And Phil Neville HAD to go and score an own goal cos we were playing so well Liverpool had NO chance till he opened the scoring for them - then they couldn't bloody well stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmph.  Am now drinking rum to calm myself.

I hate ebay too.  I bought Land of Hope and Glory, expecting it to be one of those I could make dramatic speeches to - but it was by some dodgy 70s band called Enid and THEY SANG THE WORDS!!!!!!


So I may bid on another copy.  Have asked already if it's an instrumental version.

At least my copy of A Walk in the Black Forest is the exact one I wanted!!!!

Have also bidded on the Goodies' Beastly Record.

If I win it I'll have four albums on vinyl.  Would love to know if that's getting close to a full collection.  I've got World of the Goodies, The New Goodies LP and this other Goodies album I dunno the name of but it's got Cactus in my Y-Fronts on it. 

Beastly Record has got Taking my Oyster for Walkies on it.  Disgusting.  I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!

Wonder if there's any way of getting Needed on any sort of media other than the episodes.

Am really REALLY down today.  I hadn't got rid of all my stuff that reminded me of my ex, I'd just put it in the garage cos at the time I still stupidly was hanging onto the hope I'd get a phonecall telling me to get on the next train to London.  Anyway, went into the garage today and found a photo of him.  Brought too many memories back.  I can't even begin to describe how much I loved him.  I'd never loved anyone before, and I dunno how I knew I loved him - but I knew I was willing to up sticks, be disowned by my family and move down to London to start a new life with him.

They would never have approved.  He's nineteen years older than me, divorced twice and two kids to two different mums.  Good god, if I'd been one of my friends I would've dragged me off him and beat some sense into me with a wet kipper!!!!!!!!!!

I should've known it'd never have worked.  Couldn't help it though, it just felt so right being with him, I fit so perfectly into his arms for a cuddle it was quite worrying.  And he didn't mind me being hysterical AND he drummed on me.  HE DID THE SUBSTITUTE MIME DRUMMING!!! 

That was probably what did it.

Haha, get me getting all soppy.  I don't miss him now.  I did, for a long time.  It hurt to go to bed and look across at an empty pillow next to me.  It took about eighteen months to get over him, and I am now - it's just today was a bit of a shock to the system, that's all.

Still, there's nothing that's wrong with a person that cannot be cured or at least helped by a bottle of rum, a box of expensive chocolates and watching The Goodies. 

Just to let those who don't know - Edna and jodiedvw are also members of my cabinet.  Edna is minister of Pervy Limericks and Goodies Episode Guru, and jodiedvw is Treasurer and minister of Photography.

I'm getting quite a good parliament together - my time will come...!!

Mood - Numb, actually.
Music - The Funky Gibbon
Edited - Never

2006-03-24 20:39:20
And now... A Walk in the Black Forest!

Well I've posted a thread on the main forum, I've told everyone what to expect from a world ruled by me - I've offered them all a fiver each to join...

NO WAIT!!  I didn't!!!

Hmph.  Oh well.

Spent a while last night making a tape for Urban_Spacegirl of a load of Goodies tracks.  Do you know, I think Bill Oddie is actually a very under-rated songwriter.  There's some of his songs which are quite, quite beautiful.  Like Show Me The Way and Sunny Morning.  Admittedly Sunny Morning is a bit pervy but in a nice, non-funny way.

And let's face it, The Funky Gibbon IS a work of SHEER GENIUS.

Went to stay at Emily's after I'd finished the tape.  Drank sherry, watched Bananaman.  Laughed hysterically at it.  We both remember watching Bananaman when we were little but we don't remember him being so, well, stupid.  Does anyone else remember this?!?!  We're starting to think it says something of our mentality!!!

Am still getting emails off my estate agent bloke.  It's quite funny.  Shame he supports Liverpool - dirty rednose bastard. 

I won't hear back from the job interview till next week but I'm just going to keep applying for different jobs all over the place.  I'd quite like to work in Blackburn or something - at least I can make plans to relocate if I get a job far enough away.

This is basically my life's ambition (aside from world domination of course).  Get a permanent job that pays well enough to get my own place.  Get my own place.  Decorate it into a totally shagedelic bachelorette pad.  Marry a drummer who understands the gorgeousness of vintage Premier red sparkle kits and who will play drum fills of my choice on me whenever I ask him.

It's not much to ask.  Aside from the world domination thing.  But let's face it, I'd be better at it than the idiots in charge now!!!!!!!!

Mood - Shattered. Didn't sleep a wink last night.
Music - Cricklewood is stuck in my head.
Edited - Never

2006-03-23 23:06:15
This is your leader speaking...

I now have quite a large following in my World Dom - erm - Pirate Radio Station Plans!!!

There's me (obviously - The Leader!)
Peej (aka Im_A_Teapot - my Partner In Crime)
Urban_Spacegirl (co-Graeme-napper-in-chief)
Nezangel (fellow Nezhead and all round perve)
theshufflemaster (creator of The Graeme Thread and Grandmaster of ... er... shuffling!)
Bondgirl (Obligatory Tim Fan and Official Caretaker of the Land Of Hope And Glory Record)

Together we will turn this world into a perverse, tight trouser wearing place where we can eat lots of chocolate, drink lots of brandy, ravage lots of musicians (and the occasional doctor!) and generally have lots of fun and games all day long!!!

If anyone else wants to join, simply let me know!!

Went for the job interview today.  Don't think I got it.  Think I totally fluffed it.  Going in humming Custard Pie probably didn't help me very much.

I'm quite worried about the fact I may never have a permanent job.  This is why I should rule the world - that's definitely a permanent job.

All I need now is for one of the admin types to give me the world domination badge and my plans will be totally fulfilled!  Hoorah!!!!

Mood - A bit tired - ruling the world takes it out of ya!
Music - Taking My Oyster for Walkies is in my head!
Edited - Never

2006-03-22 22:18:22
This is it - BADGE NUMBER TWO!!!

I will get my World Domination badge if it kills me... which it may well do.

These eejits and their journal war do crack me up.  They're obviously boys cos girls couldn't be arsed bothering over something so stupid!!

Listened again to The Goodies on the way to work this morning.  It's great, really cheers me up.  Shimmied away to Baby Samba, howled like Michael J Fox in Teen Wolf to That Good Ole Country Music and "aww"'d like an idiot at Winter Sportsman.

WHY AM I SO MATERNAL OVER TIM???!!  It's starting to worry me.  Nobody should get so maternal over a bloke old enough to be her grandad.

But he's so sweet, bless him.  I've never wanted to feed someone chocolate cake and tea so much since I became a Small Faces fan and first clapped eyes on Kenney Jones!!!

Even when he's being rude he sounds cute!!!  It's ridiculous. 

So anyway, I'm going to take over the world.  It's true.

I'm looking for just the right sort of people to live in my world.


Who agree with the concept of Very Tight Trousers.

And who can make an innuendo out of anything.

And who agree that drummers will one day rule the world along with me!!

And Evertonians are most welcome.  Newcastle and Derby County fans are also welcome.

People who, like me, believe that speeches are made much more poignant, forceful and weighty by simply playing Land of Hope and Glory in the background.

If you're one such person - join my world domination plans!  Erm.

Not World Domination.  I mean.  My Pirate Radio Station Plans.


Mood - Megalomaniacal!
Music - Winter Sportsman playing in my head!!
Edited - Never

2006-03-21 21:32:35
I've now traumatised Preston...

Last night I decided to tape my Goodies records onto cassette for my car.  This morning I listened to The New Goodies LP VERY loudly on my way to work with the window wound down very slightly so that everyone else could share the happiness of listening to The Goodies with me.

I got a LOT of very funny looks.  I couldn't help it.  Trying to do The Cricklewood Shakedown whilst driving and with a very painful coccyx with pain radiating up your lower back is a very complicated activity.  There was a lot of shoulder shimmying and head bobbing going on.

Played Nappy Love really REALLY loudly in the car-park of the hospital.  At first I really didn't like that song because I thought it was a bit dodgy, but now I love it, it really makes me giggle, specially the backing singing (You don't mean?!?!  Oh THAT!!)!!

Had to get out of the car during I'm A Teapot but I shall rewind it and start all over again when I go home tonight.  I don't care who sees me enjoying myself on the way to work each morning - they're only jealous they don't have such a good time in their car!!

Looked in my rear view mirror at one point and saw the Evil Ginger Gnome behind me.  Got really freaked out, and nearly started crying.  For those of you that don't know, the Evil Ginger Gnome is a very nasty man who I hope rots in hell (if I believed in hell), and who should never be allowed to befriend any women ever in his life because he's too evil.  Still, I'm better than that.  I tried to just concentrate on the Goodies instead.  Still feel sick just thinking about him though.

I've realised it's not natural to feel so maternal over Tim.  Maybe I don't feel maternal at all.  Maybe I feel completely the opposite of maternal, it's just my feelings towards him are so repressed that's how they're revealing themselves.

Or maybe not.

Nearly died laughing this morning at work. One of the consultants cracks me up.  He's an old perve but he's dead funny.  I've done some of his dictation and nearly had a hernia laughing.

He comes in and says in his Very Posh Voice to his secretary "You're so lovely, and you're looking ever so smart, you look more beautiful than ever - but that uniform just doesn't do ANYONE any favours!" so I fell about laughing, and then he pinched my bum!!!


Then he came over and said "Come out here with me, I have something I want to show you" to which I replied "Bet you say that to ALL the girls!"  He said "We have a particular sort of discipline here that I'd like to show you that we deal out to all secretaries who misbehave and giggle too much!" and he pointed to the end of the corridor, where a man was sat with a neck and head brace on and he said "He used to be a secretary, and he misbehaved too - so just watch it!" and I said "Gosh he'd best be careful he doesn't get the hiccups!" and he was killing himself laughing.

He's secretly my hero, but all the other secretaries think he's just a horrid dirty old man and a right snob.  I don't think he is at all, I think he's just got a really dry, sarcastic sense of humour.

Anyway, enough of that, I've got to figure out how to translate these op notes on a Brain Lab Guided Craniotomy and Primary Excision of a Left Tempora-Parietal Meningioma (no, I don't know what it is either).

Thanks to everyone who commented on my journal.  My plans for world domination are in full swing!!!

Mood - Stoned again - back on the tablets
Music - Custard Pie is playing in my head!
Edited - Never

2006-03-21 02:25:21
Two posts in one day, I know, what's the world coming to!?

Been to sign the papers for the house.  If we don't move in on  Friday then it's not my fault, it's everyone elses.

I've started getting spots again.  Is it stress?  Is it eating too few vegetables?  Is it the lurgy (eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeYIKKABOOOOOO!!!  Ahem.)?

Worst of all, I now have a spot on my nose.  Isn't that the worst place to get them?!

Am going to attempt more work.  Didn't rest at all over the weekend so my back is near killing me.

I've got the world's rudest Goodies LP (the one containing Cactus in my Y-Fronts).  I've been traumatised by the very almost sex scene between Tim and Bill on the Policeman's Opera.  I was very worried. 

Not as worried as I was when I listened to She Wouldn't Understand.

And why didn't Tim sing Elizabeth Rules - UK??!  It would've made so much more sense!!!  Hmph.

Oh well.  Have decided that Tim is the male version of Peej.  There are some identifying factors in this decision:

1.  They are both blonde.
2.  They are both Northerners (Buxton IS up north isn't it?  It's only the next county along from Cheshire so it must be!!).
3.  They are both posh.
4.  They both went to public school.
5.  In a few months' time, they will BOTH have a degree.
6.  They both have a double-barrelled name.  Peej's real name is Pamela-Jane, and we all know about Timbo's surname!! 

Imagine if they got married, she'd be called Pamela-Jane Brooke-Taylor!!!  What a mouthful (she'd say to Tim... Ahem)!!

I, however, am not the female version of Graeme.  There are many reasons for this:

1.  We are not both Scottish.
2.  We are not both brunette.
3.  We are not both highly intelligent beings, although we both have secret hankerings on ruling the world.
4.  We do not share a love of chess, unless it's a euphemism.
5.  ... can't think of a 5.

It's a shame.  Still, I must be content with being the female Keith Moon - only not a drummer and a lot less beautiful!!

Mood - Shattered.
Music - Still singing I'm A Teapot to myself!!
Edited - Never

2006-03-20 22:37:12
Not sacked, but almost as bad.
I knew it was only a matter of time.

I've been demoted from a secretary to a support secretary.  They said it wasn't my fault, i just didn't have enough experience to deal with the role, and I'm only 22 and all that shit.

But my pay's gonna go down dramatically.  I'm currently in a Band 4 post and support secretary is only Band 2.  I'll end up coming out with about 6 an hour instead of the 8.50 I'm on now.  Typical.

Well it's completely changed me mind about the job interview on Thursday.  I'm going to get it if it kills me.  I may end up getting bored stiff in it but at least it's a job that I can keep for a good few years without worrying about a pay decrease.  Hopefully I'll be paid high up enough on the pay scale to be able to afford my flat, which, after some major begging and pleading, mum and dad are actually going to help me get now.  Good of them.

Anyway, I've got to go and butter people up so they'll let me go early to sign the papers for moving into the house.  If I can't do it then we can't move.  Why it always has to fall to me is beyond me, nothing ever has anything to do with me yet it's always my fault when things go tits up. 

I feel like a teenager all over again!!

Mood - Harrassed.
Music - None but I do have I'm a Tepot playing in my head!
Edited - Never

2006-03-17 23:08:18
If I have to apply for one more job, I swear to God...
I'm gonna go mad.

I've got an awful feeling I'm going to get this job I'm having the interview for on Thursday.  Don't think I want to do it forever.  The money isn't great and the job is quite tedious and not so involving that I'd have to stay till after five to finish work off.  I'd probably die of boredom.

Applied yesterday for a job with the council which is far more me.  I'd rather be a medical secretary but with the salary these guys are offering there's no way I'm going to pass up an opportunity like it!!!  It's all work I've done before, I'm actually overqualified for the post (woo) and the starting salary is over 18k.  Fantastic.  If I get it I'm so getting my own place.  I could probably even afford a deposit on a house of my own!!!

I've somehow been chatting to a guy from a lettings agency in London.  I was going to move down at the beginning of this year - my plans were all made back at the end of 2004 when I was still with my ex - but after he ran off with a married woman (hmph), I decided to stay up north and to not darken the doorstep of London ever again.

It's been horrid cos I love London as a place - the people are great fun, everything's there, public transport is fantastic - what more could you want?! 

Anyway, this lettings agent asked me if I'd already found a place, I briefly explained the situation and now he won't stop emailing me.  I think this may be the start of something quite beautiful.

Bloody hell I hope not - not after last time!!!

Am still in a bit of pain with my back, not bad enough to take those evil painkillers though.  Am just taking normal co-codamol now.

Right, back to the grindstone.  Ooh by the way, Peej has bidded and won a copy of A Walk In The Black Forest on vinyl for me.  I'm gonna start a pirate radio station...  and post office...

Mood - Quite cheery and generally jolly.
Music - The sound of tapping keys on the keyboard...
Edited - Never

2006-03-17 02:57:29
I'd rather have a sherbert fountain...
I don't know what's worse, I really don't.

The pain in my back is unbearable.  So I take painkillers and feel really nauseus, weak, dizzy and generally stoned, not to mention overwhelmingly tired.

I feel so dehydrated I keep thinking I'm going to pass out.  I'm so dizzy and I'm in such pain I want to throw up every time anyone makes a noise or every time I move.  This is horrid.

And all this pain I'm going through - I didn't even get the fucking job in the end.  The fucking bastards.  They should've given it me simply for turning up in such agony which shows my dedication to the job.  Hmph.

I've got another interview next Thursday for a job I've already done.  I worked it as a temp back in September.  Much easier than the job I'm doing now - only problem is the pay is a lot less than what I'm on now too.  But still I really enjoyed that and I know they were really pleased with my work - so you never know.  If I slip in the bath again then I'm going to just go in a wheelchair. 

I'm going to Norway in a couple of weeks, just for the weekend.  Hope I'm feeling a bit better by then - or at least I hope I'm well enough to just take co-codamol or ibuprofen.

Anyway - onwards and upwards.  Had a look on BUPAs website to see if there were any secretarial jobs going.  There aren't.  They aren't stupid, the BUPA secretaries, they know when they're onto a good thing.  The money's great, you get about 6 months holiday a year and you get to work in a nice clean hospital with nice clean rich patients. 

Still, never mind.  All that matters is that I end up being able to afford my beautiful flat.  Which this job probably won't let me do but you never know!!

Just found out that outpatients have screwed up yet another clinic.  Brilliant.  It'll somehow end up being my fault.

Mood - Stoned, dizzy, sick - but quite cheery really!
Music - I am currently music-less!!
Edited - Never

2006-03-16 00:59:07
Sleepy bo-bos...

Can't remember whether I've previously mentioned it, but I fell in the bath on Monday morning just as I was getting out of it.  Landed right on me coccyx ("No I didn't, I landed on me back!") and it's now bruised to hell and back. 

Am in so much pain it's untrue.  Went the doctors who offered to sign me off work, but I've already just had a week off and I don't get sick pay and my job's only temporary so they don't legally need an excuse to get rid of me.  So I'm taking dihydrocodeine, which, if you don't know, is a ridiculously strong painkiller.  I feel stoned, dizzy and sick, but at least the pain's gone.  Only problem is I can't feel anything now - I feel like I'm dreaming!  I'm completely no use at all today, dunno why I bothered coming in, but at least the money'll come in handy.

I've got another job interview, a week tomorrow.  Hopefully I'll be a little better by then.  The job is perfect.  I've done it before.  The exact job in the exact place I'm going for the interview.  I filled it as a temp for a month or so last September.  Had a great time, got on dead well with everyone.  Hopefully I'll get it.  Fingers crossed.

The last few weeks have been a bit awful and traumatic really.  It can only get better!!!!  Am hoping it will, very soon.  I may even decide to go on a diet but I'm currently so depressed I just want to eat chocolate until I have a coronary!!!!  I'll let you know what happens!

Mood - Stoned.
Music - Local radio's on in the background.
Edited - Never

2006-03-14 22:10:41
Piggin' 'ell
Didn't get the job.  Am gutted.  Overwhelmingly gutted.  Almost cried.

It's not so much the job that's upset me.  It's the fact that not having the job makes it less likely that I'm going to get the flat.

I'm so gutted I can't even think of anything remotely funny or hysterical to say.  Will post something better tomorrow when I've calmed down.

Mood - Gutted. Completely.
Music - None, just people in the office chatting.
Edited - Never

2006-03-11 00:06:38
The Making Of The Goodies' Disaster Movie

Starring KEITH KONG!!!

Got this yesterday from Ebay.  Pissed my sides laughing at the Keith Moon/Ollie Reed bits.  Specially the KEITH MOON HAD ESCAPED!!! trauma.  I know Keith would've absolutely shat himself laughing at it.

"Only Graeme knew the seriousness of the situation.  KEITH MOON HADN'T LOONED FOR THREE WEEKS!  For THREE WEEKS he hadn't been given so much as a hotel room to smash or a photographer to pee on!"

Classic - it's totally him, he'd've loved it.

I loved it cos it had so much Keith Moon-ness in it.  I love that man.  Officially.  He's going to feature quite prominently in the drum room if I get the flat.  Which I hopefully will.

Peej is coming over tonight to watch The Goodies (bummmm...).  We're both skint (I'm over 100 over my overdraft limit, which just goes to show how lethal Ebay is...) but fear not, I supplied my freezer with buy one get one free pizzas so we shall be able to eat.

I move house with the family two weeks today which also happens to coincide with mum and dad's 44th wedding anniversary.  You don't get that for murder in most places - usually it's just a sound whipping with a flagellum and sent packing (if you're still alive).  I think that's what people who want to get married should do instead.  Saves much more heartache and misery that way. 

I'm a cynical old bitch, I know.  I'm getting better, mind, cos now I actually DO believe in love (after falling hopelessly in it with a man old enough to be my dad who took great effort to convince me on it), but I believe it's possibly the worst thing to have ever happened to mankind and will be what destroys us all in the end. 

Gosh I've gone all depressive.  It's working in a hospital, I tell you. 

My interview's on Monday for a permanent job in another department (very similar to Neurosurgery - it's Neurophysiology!).  Wish me luck!!!  Am terrified - I hate interviews!!!!!!!!

Mood - Not upset but not exactly bouncing off walls...
Music - Nowt. Nada. Nothing. None at all.
Edited - Never

2006-03-09 23:08:41
Thought it was time to post again!
I'm after all three journalling badges.  I'm not ashamed to admit it.  I will attain all three.  Then... my world domination badge... 

Well it's been a hectic week or so since I last posted and quite frankly it's been a rollercoaster of emotions.  I'm staying at my sister's house at the moment while she's on holiday in France, and I'm looking after both of her dogs.  It's okay except her house is beige.  I mean really.

The living room is beige.  Beige walls, laminate flooring (beige), beige sofas, pine furniture (beige).

The hall, stairs and landing are beige.  Laminate flooring in the hall (beige), beige carpets, beige walls.

Their bedroom is beige.  Beige bed, beige furniture, beige bedding, beige walls, laminate flooring (beige).

Their bathroom is white.

Their kitchen is dark grey WITH BEIGE WALLS.

The dogs' room IS BEIGE.  THE DOGS ARE BLOODY WELL BEIGE!!!!!!!!!!!

I am going insane.  I left the house yesterday for work, and I was wearing a long camel coloured skirt and a beige coat.  I left the beige house, looked down and nearly fainted.  I had blended into the walls.  I can not stand one more moment of beige, it is driving me up the bloody wall!!!!!

We're moving house on the 24th March, which is incidentally my Mum and Dad's 44th wedding anniversary.  You don't get that long for murder. 

The house we're moving into is tiny.  Not nearly big enough for four adults - my other sister still lives at home (she's 33.  I know.  Don't ask) and refuses to leave home ever.  I have been desperate to get my own place for varying reasons through the years since I was 18. 

A flat is coming available in a couple of months above the supermarket at the top of the road from where we're moving to and I'm going to take it, gibbon half a chance.  I've sent off me application and I'm already packed to move into one house - I'll just have to not unpack too much when we move in!

Can't wait to decorate it, I've got it all worked out in me head already!!!

Mood - Quite excited really
Music - nothing save the sound of working in the office...
Edited - Never

2006-02-28 21:15:44
My first journalling badge!!!!!!
Which hopefully I should get after posting this very journal entry...

I'm going to die.  I can't talk - I've been having to write down everything I want to say, which takes forever.  Tried to talk.  I can only whisper.  It's horrid.

Had an awful dream last night - it was more a nightmare than anything else.  I was looking after a baby for a friend (this was scary to start off with - I can't stand children!), and then all of a sudden my friend started running down the road with a knife in her hand - the police surrounded her cos she had a history of self harming - but she was going mad, and she started slashing at her neck, and then she cut her main artery and she bled to death - in slow motion!

It was horrid.  I often have horrid nightmares which I always remember.  In fact, that was one of the less scary, less violent and horrific ones.  And I don't remember that many of my normal nice lovely dreams.  Although I had a dream the other night where I had a cuddle off Bill Oddie.  It was a very nice warm drummery type cuddle.  Just a cuddle, mind you, nothing funny!!!!

It's not fair.  I'm not really ILL, ill.  I mean, I'm not as ill as I was at the weekend.  I just can't talk.  I should be at work.  I'd LIKE to be at work!  I'm bored stiff.  Can't stand it anymore.

Hopefully my voice'll be a bit better tomorrow - if it is I'll go to work.

My brother's in court today waiting for the announcement of his trial at the Crown Court.  Long story.  Hope he gets let out.  We're planning on going to see The Who-> together.

Mood - Sore throat. Worried.
Music - The World of the Goodies
Edited - Never

2006-02-28 03:26:41
It's worse than I thought...
I've got tonsillitis.

Worse than that - I'm not allowed to talk for TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't stand it.  I've got two days off work mind you, so it's not all bad news.

I'm going to tuck myself up in bed with a medicinal brandy and have a good night's kip.  Again.  I've slept like mad the last few days.  Totally not like me.  Except I sleep loads during the day and wake up at three a.m. which isn't very good.

Ah well.  Such is life.  I suppose I'll have to spend a couple of days tucked up in bed with ice cream and other cooling things for me throat, watching the Goodies to cheer myself up etc.

So I'm not saying it's ALL bad...!

Mood - Ill - very very ill!!!
Music - The New Goodies LP
Edited - Never

2006-02-27 19:04:59
My voice has gone.  Dunno where to, but it's gone.  I've been tucked up in bed all weekend, and I'm at work today but I'm going home as soon as I can.  Am really ill.

I was AWFULLY embarrassed yesterday to discover that Dr G has read THE thread on the main forum.  Oh the shame.

If only I hadn't been so vocal...  Ah well.  Such is.  It could've been worse, I could've been that weird bird in Australia who molested his fingers!!!! 

Was meant to be going to Peej's tonight but I wouldn't put her through catching this eville thing wot I've got.  Mum thinks it's tonsillitis, I think it's laryngitis... you'd think working at a hospital I'd find someone to diagnose me...  I might go the doctors this afternoon if I get to go home early.

Got Series 1 and 5 and a few random episodes posted to me on Saturday.  Very exciting.  Managed to watch them all on Saturday as well - had nothing better to do, although I think I'll appreciate them more when I'm better.  It hurts to laugh!!

Also carried on watching Bananman.  Hehe, cracks me up:

"You'd best read it, Crow, it's in joined-up letters!!"

BANANMAN:  You can be - Bananakid!
BANANAKID:  *gasp* Zoinks!!
BANANAMAN:  Possibly.

I'm so ill.  Might just leave a note for things to be done and go home.  If I've picked up MRSA from the wards I will not be a happy bunny.

Mood - Ill *sob*
Music - None at the moment.
Edited - Never

2006-02-25 03:27:02
The story so far...

Click on't' link to read mine and Peej's oft-mentioned story so far...

It's made us laugh anyway.  Let us know what you think so far.  Don't be too cruel, we're only doing it to be giggly!!!!!!!!  I'm quite pleased with it so far!!!

Mood - Excited still!!!!!
Music - Anastascia is on the radio.
Edited - 2006-02-25 03:28:17

2006-02-24 21:27:22



Section A, row N.  6th July, Liverpool here I come...



I got my box set of Bananaman yesterday!!  Watched two discs of it.  Got a headache by the end of the second one!!  It's brilliant though, I love it!! 

Best line ever:

BANANAMAN:  This banana is loaded and I won't hesitate to use it!  Now, back against the wall!!!

Ahem.  Why do they give Graeme Garden those lines?!?!!?

AND I got The Goodies Book of Criminal Records.

Discovered many things:

1.  I am a loony.
2.  Graeme Garden would make a brilliant Prime Minister
3.  Tim Brooke-Taylor is an unrecognised songwriting GENIUS!!!!
4.  I can't wait till April, July and October...

I haven't got much else to say - I'm so hysterical I can only think about going to see The Who->!!!

Can you imagine!!!  I'll be there this time in four months, one week and four days!!!  I can't wait!  It'll be brilliant!!!




I'll calm down.  One day...

Mood - Hysterical!!!!!!! BERSERK!!!!!!!!
Music - She'll Be Riding Tim Brooke-Taylor When She Comes
Edited - Never

2006-02-23 20:43:36
As if my day couldn't have got worse yesterday...
It got worse!!!

My consultant is on annual leave this week.  He had an outpatients clinic yesterday afternoon, which he'd cancelled.  I knew, the Outpatients clinic knew, the registrars knew.

Guess who didn't know?

The patients.

So we had to have an emergency outpatients clinic for 19 patients with three registrars and the wrong consultant. 

Anyway, we sorted it out.  After it taking me 15 minutes to park I parked in the only space I could find, which was a disabled space (hey I have a limp AND arthritis in my knees, I'm practically crippled!!) - and I got a parking ticket for my trouble!!  The bastards...

I got home and my knees were in agony after running all over the hospital, so I watched The Goodies and the Beanstalk to cheer me up.  Graeme in the fountain.  *sigh*

The story's going well so far.  We've done three parts to it already!!  It's Peej's go next, I'm sure it'll be great.


I've been a Who-> fan since I was fifteen and I've never seen them in concert.  This time though, nothing will stop me...  I'm going with my brother, it'll be brilliant.  Can't wait.  Peter Dennis Blandford Townshend and everything... *thud*

My nephews are coming over tonight.  Tom's bringing his mate Sam over.  Don't think I've met him - but anyway.  Billy's staying overnight.  We watched the Goodies together last Sunday night and he stayed over - the next day every time we looked at each other we just pointed and started chanting "You're a megalomaniac!" "I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!!!"  Heeheehee!!

Nothing came in the post yesterday - but hopefully today it should do.  I'm awaiting the Bananaman box set, three Goodies LPs, Goodies badges, Series 1 and 5 on DVD and 3 episodes on VHS, two copies of The Goodies File (i accidentally bidded on two - Peej is having the other one!) and The Goodies Book of Criminal Records!!  I think I'm after the title for the fastest Goodies collection in history!!!!

Right - I might attempt some typing today.  If I think on...

Mood - Overtired
Music - Some 80s rubbish on the radio.
Edited - Never

2006-02-22 21:20:39
I'm losing my mind...
I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!!!  I'm going to work for a doctor that appreciates me and doesn't have 85000 other secretaries asking me to do their work for them!!!!

I was late for work this morning - I woke up late, I had to queue for the bathroom, I stalled my car, I got stuck behind the slowest people on the roads and when I finally arrived at the hospital it took me 15 minutes to park.

I got in, made a brew, and then hell broke out.  Some geezer's come into outpatients to pick up his MR scans.  The neurosurgery department (where I work) and the MR department (where the scans are stored) are about a mile from outpatients, right at the back of the hospital on the lower ground floor.

I get a phonecall 15 minutes ago to say the man's on his way and can I pick up his scans.  No name, no date of birth, no NHS number, nothing - so I ran off to MR thinking they'd know about it.  They didn't.  There ensued a panic over where the scans were - I've run the length and breadth of the hospital and I am now exhausted and on the verge of collapse.



Managed to watch a bit of The Goodies this morning (probably why I was late for work) - am in love with the end The End...

GRAEME:  Do you know, I've almost forgotten what an umbrella looks like?
TIM:  I've almost forgotten what a woman looks like!
GRAEME:  Ah yes, women!
TIM:  [nudge nudge] AND umbrellas!
GRAEME:  Yes, many's the time you'd go out dancing with an attractive young umbrella...
TIM:  And if it rained on the way home you'd just pop up your woman...
GRAEME:  Yes, that'd keep you dry!!!
TIM:  I used to have a big black woman with a cane handle...

Classic!!!!  Love the eyebrow movements from Dr G.

And The Shiny Shoes routine.  Warms the cockles of your heart on a cold winter's morning...!!

Should be getting some Ebay stuff in the post today, hopefully.  That ought to cheer me up a bit.  That and a few strong glasses of rum and coke.  Arrrr!!!!  Ahem.

Anyway, had best try doing a bit of work.  I think.  Am still exhausted mind you - might go and make another brew first. 

What would we do without tea and coffee, that's what I want to know!!!!

Ooh, also, forgot to mention - Peej and I started on a Goodies fanfic yesterday.  Well, I started on it, it's her go next.  We've only written one fanfic together before - it took a year, it had no plotline and it was like a Carry On Film on acid.  And we don't even take drugs.  It was very odd.  Expect more of the same.  Am dead excited about it.  It doesn't have a title yet mind, but a basic plot outline that'll probably be lost in all the subplots that will undoubtedly be woven in!!!

Can't wait.

Anyway, I've got to send me cheque off for me Goodies T-shirts for me and Peej.  We've both vowed to wear them proudly in public at the same time.

We are saddos - but we are PROUD!!!!

Mood - Knackered
Music - Shiny Shoes is playing over and over in my head
Edited - 2006-02-22 21:22:41

2006-02-21 20:49:32
Less than a week and I've got four badges already oy vey!
All I need now is Dr Garden in short shorts and a woggle (have you seen his woggle?  No, but it's a good trick if he can do it!!) and my life will be complete... 

Last night I think I pulled a muscle from laughing.  Peejle has been converted into a bit of a Graeme luster.  Which I thought would be great until she mentioned his trousers (she's a bit of an expert on fingers and trousers.  I wouldn't trust her!!) - then I got defensive and told her to find her own GP.  She can't look at Tim in the same way now because he really is my Dad!!

Still it's not Graeme's fault he's lovely.

And looks great dressed as a cowboy.

And wears the tightest trousers known to man (good God, in The End he may as well have not been wearing any trousers!!  And have you SEEN the Shiny Shoes bit in Punky Business?!  FILTH!!!  PURE FILTH!!!!  *I LOVE IT*)

We were going to start on the website but we were too interested in our Chinese takeaway and Graeme's trousers to do it.  He does have very exciting trousers.  They should have won some sort of award.

Stupidly went back on Ebay.  I got Series 1 on DVD and I got a second chance offer on the badges from Ebay.  Brilliant.  Also bidded on The Goodies File and the Goodies Book of Criminal Records.  Apparently I bidded on two separate copies of The Goodies File.  Never mind. 

Also discovered I hadn't won A Man's Best Friend is his Duck - and not only that I'VE BEEN OUTBIDDED!!!!  ME!!!!!  I can't stand it.  I need that single in my life.  It's Graeme Garden singing in a Lancashire accent for God's sake!!!  Went a touch hysterical.  Very unlike me.

Got home, Dad was getting ready for bed, Mum was already in bed, snoozing.  Me and Dad are going to have a night in this week and watch Rio Bravo together and have cowboy snacks.  I immediately thought scones, Cornish cream, strawberry jam, Cornish pasties, wedding cake, toast...  Dad says they used to eat different things back then.  He should know, he's old enough to remember!!!!

Anyway, had best get on with some work.  I suppose...

Mood - Giggly
Music - Nothing's happening in a muscial way here...
Edited - 2006-02-21 20:50:28

2006-02-20 20:36:57
I hate colds.  They're the worst thing ever.  I'm still not better, after drinking enough Beechams to float a pirate radio station/post office/Saucy Gibbon!!!

And can I just mention I am now getting freaked out by the sight of a naked Bill Oddie to the right of the screen every time I log on here...

I rediscovered the wonders of Ebay yesterday - as did my poor little overworked and  underprivileged credit card - and went a touch mad.  I'm now the proud owner of two Goodies LPs, the single of A Man's Best Friend Is His Duck (bless), a giant Goodies poster inc. Dougal, the complete fifth series on DVD and a video with three other episodes on.  Woohoo!!!

Missed out on the Goodies badges, mind, which was very upsetting.  Still, if Ebay is anything like I remember it, they'll be up for sale again soon enough.

The woman I'm doing maternity cover for has come into work today to help out - I'd forgotten I'd asked her to come in!!!  Still, she's going to do a bit of typing for me, and she's explained a couple of things I'd been confused on, so it's not all bad news.  I've been applying for other jobs in the NHS like a mad thing, so I'll hopefully get one soon - I've got a new car to buy for a start.  If ever the Goodies decide to bring the Still Alive tour to the UK, I have to follow them around the country in something stylish...!!

Besides, I need a regular income to support my shopaholic tendencies - I can't believe all the crap I've bought lately.  Well, it's not really crap, it's dead groovy stuff.  Like stuff for decorating my room (or the Batcave, as it's known), Goodies things, the Bananaman DVD box set, Who-> DVDs, Gene Krupa DVDs...  The Father Ted DVD Boxset, a day's holiday to Norway (don't ask, I couldn't ever begin to explain).  But I don't see any of that as wasting money.  It's more of an investment for the future. 

Besides, I discovered I'm due a tax rebate, so I've got to spend it somewhere!!!

Tonight's the night me and my bestest chum are starting the website - and watching The Goodies, she's a die hard Tim fan but I'm planning on corrupting her in the ways of the good doctor...  She's slowly going off Tim after I pointed out that he is, in fact, my Dad.  Well, he isn't ACTUALLY my Dad, but my Dad acts a lot like him.  Shiny shoes, suit wearing, polite, hair in a side parting.  In Kitten Kong, he even has the same slippers as my Dad!!!

Anyway, work calls.  I've got typing, post sorting, filing, all kinds of things to do before the day's out.  But I imagine I'll probably have time to post a bit on the forums as well...

Mood - Harrassed but chirpy!!
Music - The sound of my clicking keys on the keyboard...
Edited - Never

2006-02-20 00:23:24
getting to grips with technology...
The problem with these journal things is that you're never too sure whether you're allowed to ramble incessantly or not.  Then again, having said that, it does happen to by MY journal, and if I want to ramble, I should jolly well be able to ramble. 

Not that anyone reads these things anyway, but still, it's quite exciting to know that everything you record may be read by someone out there in the ether...

I found out the other week that Graeme's surgery was in Southport, which is the town in which I was born and raised, and is only about twenty minutes away from where I live now.  I found it rather thrilling, really.  Imagine...

Still, it'd be awful if G was your doctor.  You only ever go to see your doctor when you're ill and sniffly, and you're not well so you don't bother washing your hair and makeup is completely out of the question and if anyone thinks you'll have shaved your legs that day they're sorely mistaken.  Then you suddenly realise "Dear God, I can't go to the doctors looking like this, my doctor is GRAEME GARDEN!!!!  Oh the SHAME!!!"

It'd be dreadful.  Plus the fact if there was any bad news to be given, he'd be there going "I'm sorry, but it's not good news...blah blah blah" and you'd be there going "hehehe, you wore those daft dungarees when you did Funky Gibbon on TOTP...  hehe..."

It just wouldn't work.  I'm so glad I had another doctor when I was in Southport.

Anyway, my best mate is coming back home tomorrow, she goes to Uni in Preston but she lives in Scotland, and she's gone home for the weekend for some reason.  We're going to work on our website and watch The Goodies for a few hours tomorrow night.  It'll be ever so exciting.

I'm going to have another Beechams.  I think I'm overdosing on them but I feel quite rough anyway, and as long as my throat stops hurting and I stop sneezing all over the place and sounding like Honor Blackman, it'll be okay.

Mood - Contented
Music - The Mamas & Papas - Complete Anthology
Edited - 2006-02-21 23:50:44

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