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| Not_A_Megalomaniac's Journal |
Back to Not_A_Megalomaniac's Journal
| 2006-10-02 05:24:14 |
News... |
 Not_A_Megalomaniac |
Well it was over a week ago now. In fact it was bloody ages ago.
I did it. I had that big uncomfortable scary talk with him. It was quite uncomfortable. Quite scary. The letdown was so lovely it's taken a week to hit me. And now I'm on such a big downer I don't know if I'll ever get up again.
Yes, I said letdown. I'm sure you were gunning for it turning out like one of those awful Hollywood romantic comedy thingies. No. No such luck.
We'd had a great night and although I didn't want to spoil it, I felt that if I didn't talk to him about it while I had him all to myself for a while with no interruptions, I would never talk to him about it. So I did.
I don't want to bore you with all the details, but we were both a little embarrassed about it, however we did manage to have a very frank and open discussion as two mature adults. Which was refreshing as we'd never had a mature discussion before!! And we - well, he, decided that we'd be mental together, but he didn't know if it was a good thing, and besides, he's been in love with a girl for about as long as he's known me - and he knows he has no chance with her, but he's not over her, and he doesn't want to 'cheat' on her, when he still feels very strongly about her - and he doesn't want to make me feel second best, as I'm the only female friend he's ever really had - because as a rule he doesn't like girls, but he really likes me.
See, that's lovely.
Until a week of dissecting it goes by and I realise that basically that entire conversation boiled down to him saying this to me in the nicest possible way:
"I would rather long for someone I am NEVER going to have in a million years than to have one MINUTE of my life spent having you worship the ground I walk on and devote your every last breathing second to making me happy."
This is just how it is. It's how it's going to be forever. There are some people in this world, despite how nice they try to be, how caring they are, and how they ache to love and be loved - who are destined to never be happy.
This sounds really self-pitiful. And to be honest, today I am in a very self-pitiful mood. I am so completely on the brink of....... whatever......... that part of me doesn't even want to see the morning. Now I sound melodramatic. Yep, probably melodramatic too. I've just been so numb with pain over the last few days I don't think anything else could ever hurt me.
My brother doesn't want to see me. My brother is in prison and he'd rather look at the four walls of his cell than see me. What's wrong with me? All I do is love people and try to never hurt them. Nobody wants me. I sound like a spoiled brat. I don't think I am. Maybe I am. But I just feel like I'm on the outside looking in in every instance in my life. My friends, my family, at work, everything. Even with (and I know all these people are going to read it and probably hate me) the people I've met here - I just feel like they think I'm Peej's friend who just tags along with her that they have to put up with - and sometimes, well, quite a lot, I feel like Peej thinks I'm just her acquaintance who she doesn't want to upset by telling me she's never really liked me that much anyway. I know this is bullshit - because they really ARE my friends...... but I just feel like I'm the last person they ever want to see or hear from or anything but they feel they have to be lumbered with me.
Am on such a downer, I do apologise. sometimes I do write cheery journal entries. Just not at the moment. Sorry. Will try and write something happier next time but don't bank on it.
Mood - Numb
Music - None |
| Edited - Never |
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