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Not_A_Megalomaniac's Journal
Back to Not_A_Megalomaniac's Journal
2006-09-11 04:21:16
Stream of Consciousness Vent... PsychoBabble, if you will.

Cos some people - and the sad thing is that they're too self-absorbed to know who they are - find it quite acceptable to make people's lives a misery by being rude and obnoxious and then hide behind some mental illness or other as some way to gain total exemption from the repercussions of their actions.  Self-pity is not an attractive quality.

Now don't think for one second I don't appreciate what it's like to HAVE a mental illness or to be ruled by one, or to watch someone you love destroy themselves cos of one.  But we all have our own shit to deal with.

If I wrote down here all that had happened to me in the last three years (you want me to list a few?  Okay - raped by my now ex-best friend, a suicide attempt, self-harming, eating disorders enough to screw up my digestive organs forever, watching one of my best friends die of cancer, the man I loved dumping me for a married woman twice my age, my brother going to prison, my mother being diagnosed with skin cancer - all really tame stuff that's an everyday occurrence, I'm quite sure - but it's worn ME down a bit over the years) I'd probably end up boring the hell out of you and killing myself. 

Some things don't need to be gone over again, rammed down people's throats in an effort to induce pity from them - or even worse, force out some kind of a friendship.  Sometimes y'know, it's not even anyone's business.  And people know that, and they don't want to hear it.  It sounds callous, but again, we all have our own shit to deal with.   

People like me self-medicate in many ways.  I don't trust doctors as far as I can throw them - specially after the fiasco of almost getting the job at the NHS but then not (see an earlier journal entry for details), and anti-depressants just sent me more round the twist than I already was.  So I have to sort myself out. 

I don't really drink to excess, although I like a good drink.  I like a lot of good drink, but I don't like losing control.  I don't smoke - and due to my general hideousness and sheer unattractiveness to the opposite sex - I can't shag around.  To be honest, the only male affectionate contact I've had of late has been cuddles off Tim Brooke-Taylor and the sexiest cuddling, kissing and talking into hair encounter with Graeme Garden (if only I hadn't been dressed as him at the time, it probably would've been a lot better!), which although it makes people here jealous - getting turned on and excited by the fact that a 60-odd year old man cuddled the hell out of you can only mean that nobody else would look at you.

So in the absence of anything else I can do - I overeat.  Lots.  I don't feel happy unless I make myself ill with eating.  The comedown is crap, but the feeling of gorgeous food going down your throat, filling you up and up to somehow fill a hole that you know really can never be filled by food, but what the hell... god it's indescribable.

I also use escapism.  Lots of it.  I call myself by a silly nickname to get away from having to be me.  I watch television programmes, listen to music, read magazines, dress in clothes that were fashionable 30-40 years before I was born.  I feel safe and at home in my little bubble of a world I've made.  Nobody hurts me, everyone loves me - and the few people I let join in on that world are some of the best friends I've ever made.  But only when I let them in.  Some days not even my little world works properly.  I get self-conscious and embarrassed and convinced I'm hated by everyone, I'm just a boring irritation that they only tolerate when they want something.  I get suspcious and hateful of people.  Then I eat more to take away the feeling.  Then I get angry with myself for being so weak as to eat all that I have and it mostly ends up down the toilet.

I don't want any sympathy - I don't want to shock anyone - and I certainly don't want to offend anyone.  Really.  I'm merely pointing out that you can get a one-sided opinion of somebody because of how they can come across, but you don't know really what the deal is with them.  We're all guilty of it,  no matter who we are.  Maybe we should all stop dwelling on the shit we know we're in the middle of trying to sort out and make sure other people are still hanging on in there.  Sometimes it takes your mind off your own demons.

I probably had some form of a point to make when I started writing this, but I dunno what it is now.  But ye gods I could do with a Tim Cuddle right about now...

Mood - Crap Crap Crappety Crap - Consider Me Depressed...
Music - Ironing My Goldfish - ISIRTA
Edited - Never

((((((((((Spev))))))))))) Hug for you.  Hang in there, love.  We're barracking for you.  It will be OK.  Promise.  (And other well-worn phrases that sound pretty hollow when you're depressed... I'm useless, but I mean well.)
Posted by:jodievdw


date: 11/09/2006 06:04 GMT
Spev my luv, if I knew what to say to make you feel better I'd tell you it a hundred times over.  All I can do is say I'm here to chat to if you need me.  ((((((hug))))))
Posted by:nezangel

nezangel WWW 

date: 11/09/2006 06:52 GMT
Absolutly spot on.

Maybe that person just feels alone some people do and dont realize others feel the same.

I too have a weight problem I have managed to lose some weight. I understand comfort eating quite well. I read an article in a local paper that someone wrote. I was going to post a few things to say in my private journal. If anyone including yourself would like I will post it in my public entries.

I will say this though I dont trust many men in my life either. I do trust some in my life though. I think its because of my weight some men think its okay to make fun of that and be rude to women.

Anyway I hope you find peace in your life. Those who have hurt you in life will get their come uppance when the time. comes.
Posted by:Puddin

Puddin WWW 

date: 11/09/2006 10:28 GMT
I just noticed your avatar Keith Moon!  Bloody good drummer he was.
Posted by:Puddin

Puddin WWW 

date: 11/09/2006 12:09 GMT
Lean really, really close to your hardrive, closer, closer.  Feel the warmth?  Thats me giving you a hug.  No symathy, just a gigantic hug.  As matter of fact let us all lean into our hardrives and have one massive, earth shattering group hug.
Posted by:bindy


date: 11/09/2006 23:47 GMT
*Arms outstretched, Gender Education-style*


It may not be as good as a Tim or Graeme hug but I hope all these lovely cyber hugs are helping. You have my email address and phone number if you ever want a chin-wag about anything. I'm happy to listen or have a laugh whenever needed.

Hope your first day at your new job is going well.

Lots of love,
Jess (a.k.a Keith Moon's twin )
Posted by:JessPix

JessPix WWW 

date: 12/09/2006 00:00 GMT
Spev, I echo everything that Jodie, Nez and Jess have already said.  I know that anything I say will sound sort of meaningless and cliched.  I'll give you a hug though: (((((((((((((hug))))))))))))  And I'm here for you whenever you want a chat or an email or a text or a call or whatever.  (((((hug))))
Posted by:urban_spacegirl


date: 12/09/2006 05:01 GMT
Well said Spev, I also shan't waste time on cliches, the force is strong with you,  however i reckon we could all use a Timbo cuddle right about now    Where is the Goodies Medicine show when you need 'em (((())))
Posted by:bondgirl


date: 12/09/2006 09:45 GMT
They should bottle Goody hugs and sell 'em in jars.  All the drug dealers would be out of business in a fortnight.

Bindy - thank you for the warm-hard drive hug image.  Lovely!
Posted by:jodievdw


date: 14/09/2006 11:37 GMT
I've sent a reply to your user message. And take care of yourself.
Posted by:Puddin

Puddin WWW 

date: 16/09/2006 10:58 GMT
Spev?  Come back. Is it ok for me to be worried? Time out I get it but where are you?
Posted by:bindy


date: 22/09/2006 01:57 GMT
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