Weird isn't it? Tickets get booked to go to Clue, another opportunity to see comedy history being made simply by attending this, the longest running radio comedy show in the BBC's history. British Comedy is the thing I live for - it's what I aim to finally contribute to at some point in the future. Comedy and Music - the two things that matter most in my life and good god lord in heaven it should be the two most exciting nights in my life.
Everyone I'm going with is excited. Just excited. Can't wait for more Timbo Cuddles and Graeme Cuddles and getting to see Baz and Humph again. It's great. It won't be long now and we'll be there. Wahoo.
They're chuffed. I'm on a countdown. And I'm dreading it. I can't go unless I lose weight. I can't let Tim and Grae see me looking like a fat blimpoid. Why can't I have a perfect figure like the people I'm going with? Tall and slender with a cracking set of pins like Jess - or just drop dead gorgeous with huge tracks of land like Peej? Why am I just me? The blimp?
It's 47 days before Southport. Which isn't long at all. By this time I somehow feel that it's necessary for me to lose at least a stone in weight (don't even ask me how much that is in kilos) so I can fit properly into the dress I love so much. The following month I've a dogtooth mini skirt to somehow squeeze myself into.
Why the hell is this? What approval do I need from anyone else? I'm going with Peej and Jess, who are my mates, Peej is my best mate on earth and I know she loves me just as much as I love her. Tim and Grae are my comedy idols - and they don't hate me - I know they don't. In fact, even if they DID hate me because I'm a fat ugly blimp then that'd make them pretty awful humans anyway - which I know they aren't.
So why do I think that if I'm thinner I'll be a better person?? Why do looks matter so much? Is physical beauty a reflection of inner good attributes? Why does it matter at all? I know I'm all right - why does it even matter if nobody else thinks so?
I know that even if I had three heads, four arms and weighed three tonnes, Tim would still cuddle the hell out of me and Grae would still appreciate the fact that there are other people out there from Preston who can spell diarrhoea. Whether I go in the dress I'm vaguely into anyway or not is not the point. The point is the comedy. I'm only going. I probably won't even see them afterwards. So why am I so arsed?!?!?!
This is the horrid thing. No matter how much of a handle I thought I had on bulimia - i'll never get over it. It will always continue to rule my head. Even when I lose weight I'll worry why I've not lost more - or why I've not lost it quicker.
Roll on October. If I turn up wearing a sack then the diet's gone pear shaped.
......... on a lighter similar note - I've lost 5lbs this week!!!
Sorry for boring you all.
Job interview tomorrow. Wish me luck.
Mood - Not too bad thanks.
Music - Eastenders closing titles...
Fret not about Clue, it'll be the best ever. You already know that Tim and Graeme absolutely love you to bits, the evidence is there, you can't deny it!
And being tall isn't all it's cracked up to be, I do feel like a bit of dweeb being taller than Tim and Graeme (well, Graeme is only a tiny bit shorter, but still). Poor Tim must get strangled when he tries to hug me, craning his neck up like that. Bless him. You and Tim are pefect in cuddling compatibility, because you do give good cuddles, it's no wonder he loves your cuddles so much!
Oh dear, it's late and I'm rambling. I'll stop. Can't wait for Clue. It's not long now, it'll be brill!
Good luck with the job interview, you'll breeze it. Jess.
Congrats on the 1000th view, Jess, and the 1000th visitor, Spev. You will get into that bastard dress sooner or later, Spev m'dear. And the miniskirt. You're gonna have to explain what 'dogtooth' is though, I'm fashion-dead. I live in jeans.
By the way, 5lb is 2.5 kg, and that's pretty bloody good for a week. You are a champion.
I think you are great, Spev - you were super dressed up as Graeme. I wouldn't even notice your weight - that is not the important thing. I am so sorry about your bulima - that is so hard for you. Good luck with that, job etc - we all love you, and you, Peej and Jesspix make a great group - all attractive people inside and outside! Have an excellent time at Clue - I went to Rhyl in 2005, but G not there, as having hip done! that was so sad for me!