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Not_A_Megalomaniac's Journal
Back to Not_A_Megalomaniac's Journal
2006-04-11 00:29:38
Eating Disorders. Mine, actually.

I feel thinner.  This diet must be working.  I'm eating.  Not starving myself AND overdosing on laxatives on the odd occasion I do eat anything as usual.  And the weight is actually coming off.  I lost 5lbs in one week.  Dunno if/how much I've lost this week cos we've lost the scales.  But good god I work in a hospital - there must be some scales knocking about the place somewhere.

Had to come off my diet at the weekend cos we didn't have a kitchen in operation and we just had to eat out of necessity - we were working so hard.  I've never run up and down as many stairs with as many heavy boxes in my life.  Hopefully that's done something for my exercise levels.  I had pudding and chips on Saturday and snacked all day on Sunday - tried to keep as healthy as possible but by 8 o'clock I gave up and scoffed a load of Doritos and I ended up having three bags of French Fries (only 80 calories per bag and only about 1.5g saturated fat, mind you, so it wasn't ALL bad news).

I ate an egg mayonnaise sandwich on Friday on WHITE bread with FULL FAT mayonnaise and had a panic attack afterwards because I was so convinced it'd pile five stone on me.  I had to call my sister and she had to spend about ten minutes reassuring me that I hadn't blown it and I wasn't a failure just for having one sandwich.

Eating disorders DO rule your entire life.  No matter how much of a handle you THINK you have on it - you never do.  You will always be controlled by food.  Because it's something you cannot live without.  If I was a smoker, I could quit smoking.  If I was an alcoholic, I could quit drinking.  But I have a serious problem with food.  How do I quit eating?

I can't really be categorised.  I flit between anorexia, bulimia and binge-eating disorder on a regular basis so that my metabolism is now totally screwed up.  I don't eat normally. 

I'll give you an e.g.  When normal people 'go a bit mad' they tend to eat *A* bar of chocolate or *TWO* bags of crisps or *A* takeaway or drink * a couple* of vodkas.  Not me.  I eat A BOX of chocolates AND five bags of crisps AND a takeaway AND a couple of sandwiches AND a tub of ice-cream AND drink AT LEAST half a bottle of rum and full sugar Coca-Cola.  And if I don't really want it I force it down me. 

When I do go on a diet, I become literally TERRIFIED of eating.  The fear can become so bad that I will either swallow a box of laxatives or spend twenty minutes making myself throw up everything I've eaten.  If I can't do that I will jump up and down and run on the spot for however long it takes until I either a) collapse or b) think I might've burned some calories off.

It's odd news, this eating disorder lark.  I don't really talk about it much because it makes me feel like a bit of a freak but today I'm going to.  I normally take the piss out of it because it's such an idiotic condition to have.  It really is.  You think about it logically.  It's food.  It's just there to keep you going.  Most people only think about food when they're hungry, if then.  To me, food is absolutely EVERYTHING.  It's either my best friend or my worst enemy - and most times both.  It's my reward, my consolation and my punishment.  It is literally everything to me.

When I'm in non-dieting mode I usually eat one meal a day - in the evening.  When I'm in bingeing mode I eat one meal a day - continually from wake to sleep.  At evenings on my own I tuck myself away in my room and eat and eat and eat until I fall asleep.

When I'm in dieting mode (like I am now) food occupies my every waking thought.  Literally.  I wake up and I think "I MUST eat to start my metabolism.  But what shall I eat?" then after breakfast its "I must remember to eat some lunch.  Gosh I'd like a bar of chocolate.  I can't have chocolate.  I wonder how many calories are in this, that and the other."  I talk about food constantly.  I worry about what food I eat, I don't enjoy any food I eat, I get so hungry I just throw food down me and it doesn't touch the sides.  Then after I've eaten I'll panic for about an hour about how much weight it's going to put on me and what I can do do burn the calories off.

I'm too scared to eat anything other than fruit during the day - and because I'm so hungry I eat loads and loads (I mean I eat a bunch of bananas, a load of melon and loads of grapes EVERY DAY).  It's binge-eating disorder with fruit.  I cannot cope.  But the more healthy stuff I eat, the more I feel in control.  The less I eat, the happier I am.  If I could ever have a meal and NOT clear my plate then I would feel like the most amazing person on earth.  I've never done that.

In the last year my weight has fluctuated between 20 and 15 stone.  I've got arthritis in my knees (which at 22 years of age is just pathetic), stretchmarks all over my body with the amount of weight I've lost and gained so quickly and I have about as much self-confidence as an omoeba. 

It's stupid.  Logically I know it's all really really stupid.  I am not an imbecile.  I am a quite intelligent person.  I know logically, objectively, that my feelings towards food are entirely ridiculous.  But it is the one and only thing in my life I can control completely.  I can't control my job, my family, my home, anything else.  But I am now completely past the stage of controlling food - I am now at the stage where food is controlling me.  Which is even more ridiculous, completely pathetic and it makes me feel like the world's biggest failure.

I'm not that depressed.  I'm really not.  I'm quite happy today actually.  I've just never written down what all this food does to me and my head and my body before.  I thought it'd be interesting to just vent and see what comes out.

I'd be quite interested if anyone else has the same/similar disorders and can tell me that I am not the freak I think I am and that other people have felt the same way too!!!  I understand it's quite an embarrassing thing to talk about so if you want to email me rather than comment then do feel free -

Oh, and incidentally - I moved at the weekend!!!!  House is tiny.  Hopefully it'll all work out okay though.

Mood - Just really tired after all that house moving!!
Music - 97.4 Rock FM. Which doesn't play rock music. Hm.
Edited - Never

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