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| Not_A_Megalomaniac's Journal |
Back to Not_A_Megalomaniac's Journal
| 2006-04-12 19:26:20 |
My Occupational Health Trauma |
 Not_A_Megalomaniac |
Good God the things we do to secure jobs for ourselves.
I went for an Occupational Health assessment yesterday to basically find out if I could cope with taking on the job.
I was assessed by a man who looked just like the Infamous Ex-Boyfriend - so I was torn between attempting to snog him and beating the crapola out of him. At any rate, I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him, and as he was about 6'4", that would've been very difficult, even for me!
He was AWFUL. He asked me about the car crash and falling in the bath and if I had any ongoing problems from that. I said no, I'm fine now thankyou, and that was okay.
Then he comes to the Bulimia, Binge-Eating and Self Harming.
Good GOD he was like a dog with a bone. He would not let it drop. I felt like I was on trial. He kept asking me how I dealt with stress at work, and why I'd started with depression in the first place and what the problem was and when was the last time I self-harmed and when was my last bulimic episode and did I know I was taking an extremely unhealthy route of dealing with my problems and I need to get it sorted out and blah blah blah blah blah blah... and I'm traumatised.
I basically had to beg and plead for my job. I've never felt so humiliated. It was awful. I would have rather gone for eighty interviews than one Occupational Health Assessment.
He passed me in the end, but only for six months. Am so glad he didn't check me blood pressure or anything because it was probably through the roof, I was so freaked out. He was trying to take the conversation down roads I hadn't been down for too long and wasn't ready to get those feelings back again and I wasn't having any of it. I don't like it.
Then, the cheeky sod asked if I had a boyfriend and when I said no, he said "Why?"
What do I say? "Because I'm 5'9", I weigh over 18 stone, I'm hideously ugly and I have more hang ups than a fucking coat rack - no man is ever going to look at me! That's why!!!" Berk. I just told him it was because the boyfriend in question had run off with a married woman.
"So you did have a boyfriend but now you don't?" he says.
"Yes, that's right, you're catching on," I answered.
"How did that make you feel?" he asked.
"Well that's a bloody stupid question isn't it? I felt like crap. I felt awful. I wanted to shoot myself. But then again if the person you were in love with ran off with a married person twice your age YOU'D be pretty pissed off too, wouldn't you?!?!?" I shouted inside, but I actually said, "Well obviously I wasn't too happy about it but not to worry that's all in the past now."
I hate him. I never want to see him again. Why on earth did he have to ask me that?!?! As if I don't have a complex about it anyway!!!
It was like he was trying to catch me out all the time and make me say indirectly that I wasn't confident that I could fulfill that role. What's it to do with him?!?!
Any professional can tell you - when you're having shit going on at home you leave it at home. Whatever inner turmoil you're going through, you do not let it affect your work. That's just how it is. Work is completely removed from all other aspects of your life. You put a front on if you're having a crap time of things. You get on with it. It's the only way, unless you have time and money and patience to indulge yourself in intensive counselling sessions and take months off work while you get used to anti-depressants and all that shit.
God I'm still really angry about it.
I came home and cried. Unsurprisingly.
I decided to watch the commentary to Kitten Kong. Classic.
Then I MADE myself watch Superstar all the way through (first time I hid under the bedclothes when Bill started stripping!). It's the undoing of the gold blouse/cardie/top thing that's the most perverse and "I don't know whether to try and ravage you or run off and hide!" bit.
That man has got THE most evil dirty gleam in his eye ever. Even worse than Keith Moon dressed up as Uncle Ernie.
Best line in Superstar:
TIM: You're not Randy!
BILL: [dirty giggle] Oh yes I am!!!!
Started watching Rule OK but fell asleep. Had really odd dreams about Spiderman and Venom and that I had to rescue my neice and nephews who were little children again. It was pretty scary.
Anyway, hopefully today will go a bit better. Tried my dress on. Too tight but give us a coupla months and I'll be in it. Bought a skipping rope so I shall start exercising. I'm gonna try to build up to half an hour a day. That's only one Goodies episode. I'm gonna try and get down to 14 stone. Then I should be Slim And Gorgeous. Well. Slim.
I don't want to be thin, you understand. I am eventually aiming for a size 14/16 - as opposed to the 20/22 I take now (I look thinner, fortunately!). So that's like three dress sizes and four and a bit stone - which is achievable. It may take a year but it's definitely achieveable.
Oh well. Onwards and upwards...!!
Mood - Don't know, actually. I think I'm okay.
Music - A Man's Best Friend is His Duck |
| Edited - Never |
 4 Comments
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Bear in mind you're a Tall Bint, too - I'm a size 20 as well (but I live in jeans and mens' shirts, so who'd know) because I'm so short!
