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Graeme ushers in his hot date for the evening - a giggling, curvaceous bimbo named Debbie – and introduces her to Tim. (G: "This is Debbie. That's Tim. Say hello, Debbie." D (dippily): "Hello Debbie! (giggles)" G (quietly to T): "She's not very bright!") Bill enters the room and thinks that Debbie is one of Graeme's robots ("Did you make her?"), while Graeme and Tim talk openly about her curves and features as though she is a motor car (G: "(She) runs on 5-Star brandy." T: "Not cheap."). Bill finds this behaviour to be distastefully chauvinistic so he poses as a "Militant Sister" over the phone and reports Tim and Graeme to the Women's Liberation Front.

This leads to an immediate visit to the Goodies' office from the militant Women's Lib inspector Barbara. She firstly thinks that Bill is a woman by his clothes and beads (and also admires his beard as a sign of equality!), then castigates Tim and Graeme for treating Debbie like a mindless dummy (before remarking "She obviously is a mindless dummy!" when Debbie giggles stupidly at her questioning). Barbara liberates Debbie by telling her to remove her bra, so Debbie follows instructions (tossing her padded bra to Tim, who remarks "Oh, what a letdown!"); then belts the two "male chauvinist pigs" with her handbag on her way out the door. Barbara then rounds on Tim and Graeme herself ("The Goodies, hey?! I thought you stood for everything that is good and right and just."), and she bristles when Tim comments that most women just want to "find a man, get married, do his housework, look after his babies, cook for him and keep him happy." Barbara tells Tim and Graeme that they ought to find out what being a woman is really like, so she sends them off to work for her father – "the most typical male I know" - at his country mansion, with Graeme as butler and Tim as housemaid, while Bill is required to stay at the office and help her (as Bill offers a meek "Yes Sir" in agreement).

Graeme finds that life as a butler is a breeze as Barbara's father allows him to call him "Charles" (then "Charlie" after a short time) and offers him a glass of sherry upon arrival. However Tim (frocked up in a maid's dress as Timbolina) cops a much tougher time; firstly being completely ignored by Charles and then looked over by his "Master" as if he is a horse ("And this is the filly, is it? ... Show us your fetlocks!") Graeme is offered the second bedroom as accommodation while Tim is expected to sleep in the garage ("on top of the car to keep the engine warm") and is made to work "damn hard" by Charles and Graeme; having to do a myriad of gardening, cleaning and cooking jobs while they laze around and take it easy. Tim not only cops all of the housework in his new role, but has to put up with an increasingly bossy and callous Graeme as well as quite a lot of slap and tickle from Charles too.

Barbara turns up at the mansion with Bill in tow as her new boyfriend to the utter disapproval of her father and Graeme. Charles is horrified at the thought of scruffy Bill going out with his daughter and bombastically reminds Barbara that she has already been promised to Mungo Halfacre (Barbara (indignantly): "Mungo Halfacre is a loud-mouthed, ill-mannered twit!" Charles: "Exactly! First-class breeding stock! You and he could whelp a damn fine litter!") However Barbara is determined and headstrong ("I don't care what you say, Daddy. Bill is my new boyfriend.") and she leaves the mansion in a huff ("Come, William!") while an annoyed Charles suggests to Graeme "Let's have a drink and sing a few dirty songs."

Back at the office, Bill spruces himself up for his date with Barbara, while Tim has resigned as Charles's housemaid in order to devote his time to "the cause" of women's rights. Bill receives flowers and chocolates from Barbara as she takes him out for a quiet intimate evening ("Don't worry, shan't keep him out too long!"), which leaves Tim and a sneering Graeme behind at the office. Tim refuses to change out of his maid's uniform and claims to be proud to be a woman, as even a horrified Graeme's reminder of Tomcat Tim and his exploits with Big Fat Nellie of Cock Fosters fails to alter his attitude. Graeme prepares to take out Tottie - another air-headed bimbo - but Tim (still in maid outfit) argues with him about women's rights (G: "She's mine." T: "You don't own her!" G: "Yes I do, I've got a receipt!"), which causes Tottie to call Tim a loony and stalk out of the office. With Graeme's evening ruined, another heated exchange ensues before Graeme ultimately tells Tim that "If I wanted an intelligent conversation, I'd rather talk to my computer!" This notion prompts Graeme to install a voice box in his computer and he finds his true love at last, as they share a romantic evening of algorithmic progressions and quadratic equations together over a candlelight dinner!

Barbara is quite content just trying to get Bill tiddly, while an upset Tim is "going to have a jolly good cry" as he is the only one missing out on some loving company. The four lovebirds go on a romantic jaunt through the woods and in a playground (with Bill and Barbara getting up to some way-hey-hey in the bushes, but Graeme and his computer thankfully just settling for a steamy kiss!) before they announce plans for a double wedding tomorrow. Tim finds that his cases have been packed for him as there will no longer be room for him in the office, and with the end of the Goodies nigh, he considers devoting the rest of his life to being a nun instead! However he is sufficiently appalled by the impending marriages to vow to put a stop to proceedings.

The brides turn up fashionably late at the church for the big occasion; Barbara accompanied by her father and Graeme's computer arriving in a Southern Electronics Transport Company van with white labcoat-clad attendants. Tim also arrives in the guise of a women's lib protester and disrupts the ceremony, as firstly he chains the vicar's arm while bellowing "Marriage is slavery!" and then delivers a raucous soapbox speech condemning the drudgery of married life (denouncing chores such as "washing meals and cooking babies!") Bill initially puts up some resistance (as he angrily shouts "You're not a woman!", to which Tim replies "Prove it, Titch!" and then cries rape when Bill moves towards him) but he is soon converted and backs up Tim's rantings with great enthusiasm. This commotion ultimately convinces Graeme not to tie the knot and he orders his future wife's attendants to "Take her away!", while Bill adds "And her!" as he orders Barbara's removal as well. Tim's headstrong speech successfully stops the ceremony, but it also greatly impresses Charles: "Bravo! Bravo! What a speech!" ... "I love you, you gorgeous red-blooded she-beast! We've got the church, we've got the vicar and now, By God, we're going to have a wedding!", He grabs hold of Tim and there is just time for a quick photo of the happy couple (and beaming vicar) before the three Goodies lock the gates and bolt off on the trandem with the vicar in hot pursuit on foot.

CLASSIC QUOTES

* Graeme (about Debbie): "Only one previous owner. Hardly a mark on her. Built for speed."

Tim: "What does she do flat out ?"

Graeme: "Nearly everything!"

* Barbara (from Women's Lib): "I was called by a Militant Sister!"

Bill:"That's right. That's me."

Barbara (looking at his jacket, beads etc): "Hmm, should have guessed by the uniform. (laughs) I say, I like the beard. That's really what I call equality!"

Bill (slightly indignantly): "I'm not a woman."

Barbara: "Well what are you doing dressed up like one then?"

Bill: "I'm not dressed up … (compares what they are wearing) … oh I see what you mean actually, yes. Anyway I am a man, but I'm on your side."

* Graeme: "Consider the facts. You see, women are silly, frivolous, empty-headed creatures, I grant you, they're useful and decorative, like a teapot. Damn it all, you wouldn't expect a teapot to make up its own mind who it goes out with, would you?!"

* Graeme (stridently, to a tarted-up Tim): "You're a man, not a woman. Go and have a look! ... (suddenly worried) You haven't done anything silly, have you?!"

* Tim: "I might even marry if Mr Right comes along."

Graeme (horrified): "Mr Wright, the greengrocer! You can't marry him!"

* Tim (regarding Graeme's plans to marry his computer): "As for you, the whole neighbourhood is talking about you and THAT … THAT … it's disgusting!"

Graeme: "It is not, it's beautiful! Anyway I've read the 'Plain Man's Guide To British Law' and they can't touch you for it!"

* Charles: "I thought that you were a simple working girl, oh, but underneath ..."

Tim (coyly): "There's a great deal more than you'd imagine!"

CLASSIC SCENES

* Some of the scenes from Charles's mansion, particularly Graeme the butler riding on the back of a loaded tea trolley whipping Tim the maid, who is pulling the trolley along by a set of reins clasped in his teeth. Tim takes a bend a bit too sharply, sending Graeme and the food flying through the air in all directions. Also Graeme carefully taking guard with a cricket bat while Tim is leaning over a tub washing clothes, then whacking him so hard on the bum with the bat that Tim tumbles headfirst into the tub and falls to the ground with the tub still over his head.

* The various scenes from the sequence in the park with the four lovebirds in action (to the backing of Bill's beautiful non-comedy song "Isn't It Nice To Know") including Bill and Barbara bounding towards each other with arms outstretched only to overshoot and each crash into a tree, Graeme skipping arm-in-arm with his computer and clicking his heels with delight, Graeme giving his computer a push on the swing (only to get flattened when he gets in the way) and a ride in a gondola, the two happy couples playing leapfrog (another spectacular tumble for Graeme) and skipping along the path together, and Bill and Barbara pashing on the grass and in the bushes (with Bill even stopping temporarily to clean the camera lens that they have steamed up!)

GUEST STARS

Allan Cuthbertson, Gaye Brown, Elaine Baillie, Maxine Casson, Zibba Mays, Tina Reeves

GOODIES SONGS

Needed

A Woman's Work Is Never Done

Isn't It Nice To Know

MOCK ADVERTISEMENTS

Honest Holidays

MY 2 CENTS WORTH

A very enjoyable episode with plenty of amusing dialogue, great guest roles and the terrific scenes of Bill and Graeme being head-over-heels in love; made even better by the bizarre concept of Graeme being love-smitten with his computer. The 'treat men like kings, women like slaves' segment at Charles's mansion drags on a bit too long, as does the following visual sequence of Tim doing the housework, but the overall episode quality is very good.

BLACK PUDDING RATING