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The Goodies blissfully listen to the Agnew String Quartet playing in a local park, (though Bill seems much more interested in the pop music blaring from his radio, which draws a "what a common little oik" facial expression from a toffed-up Tim), but suddenly a bunch of thugs attack and abduct the performers, herd them into a van and quickly drive away. Back at the office, Graeme loudly laments "That has really ruined my evening!", while a puzzled Tim asks "Who would want to steal a string quartet?" As an alternative, the Goodies settle in for a relaxing night of watching television (though Bill hopes that Cilla Black isn't on TV because he can't stand her high notes – "Ooh they go right through me!") only to find that 'Songs of the Highlands' comes to an abrupt halt when Kenneth McKellar is kidnapped and carted away as well. The fill-in music from the Northern Light Orchestra is unavailable (with the BBC newsreader in the background asking "Come on then, where are they? What do you mean, stolen?! All of them? Ooh hell!") and it is reported on the news that "the bus carrying the London Philharmonic Orchestra has been hijacked" and taken away to an unknown location.

Graeme suggests that they instead go to Royal Albert Hall, but he is appalled when a scan of the newspaper reveals that all of the music halls have been converted to discotheques ("Clynebourne ... disco. With Emperor Rosko?!") He suspects that someone is deliberately stealing the musicians and proposes that the Goodies should also become famous performers, so that they can be stolen and can then find out who is responsible and stop them. The only hitch is that they can't play any musical instruments, but true to their motto of 'Anything, Anytime', they soon learn how. While Bill expertly tunes the piano (having firstly got it perfectly tuned by making all keys sound the same, much to Tim's disgust!), Graeme and Tim stretch the accordion to breaking point and Graeme also programs his computer to do the backing music. Finally they are all ready to rock and roll, but can't decide which song to play until Tim suggests 'Land of Hope and Glory' and Bill unleashes a sizzling rendition on his electric guitar, with Graeme on piano and Tim hitting the high notes with his two pretty glee singers. The thugs duly arrive straight afterwards, but only take Tim's glee singers and Bill's indignant "Oi, what about us?!" gets a reply of "You ain't good enough!", which prompts another blubber from Tim.

To improve their image, Bill suggests that they stage a free non-stop open air music festival in the spirit of Woodstock - "Uz ... on Hackney Marshes" As the 'Philharmonic Glee Club Rock 'N Roll Band', the Goodies perform jazz, folk, classical and gospel music for seven days and nights, but nobody even comes to see them, let alone steal them. Finally perseverance pays off, as their stage is driven away on the back of a truck to a country hideaway, where they are herded inside by gun-toting goons to meet "the arch-villain who designed this whole devilish scheme". An evil-looking gentleman in a black cape makes a grand entrance; riding into the room aboard a batwing-shaped pipe organ and introduces himself as ... "The Music Master!"

The Music Master tells the Goodies that he once owned a recording studio, which produced sure-fire hit albums (such as 'Val Doonican Hums The Nun's Chorus For 97 Minutes' and 'The Julie Andrews Album Of Rugby Songs'!) that for "some strange reason didn't sell." He was despised by the music world, so he decided to "teach them a lesson" and is now embarking on his vengeful master plan to steal all of the musicians and imprison them in recording studios inside his hideaway so that he alone can produce all of the records. Among his stable of stars are Engelbert (who mournfully sings "Please release me, let me go ..." when his cell door is opened), the warring reunited Beatles and Cilla Black; much to Bill's disgust, as he still can't stand her high notes. The Music Master really has rounded up everyone of note and is now working on recording odd duets like "Blood, Sweat and Tears ... and Moira Anderson" and "Yehudi Menuen Meets The Big Ben Banjo Band", and actually takes it as a compliment when he is called "a loony" by Graeme!

Now that the Music Master has the Goodies in his clutches, he expects them to record for him and even when Tim declares that their "little ruse has worked" and that "We are in fact the Goodies, hey hey hey!"; he chillingly asks them "And what are you going to do?!" (not much when his squad of thugs are holding loaded pistols at the Goodies' heads!) The Goodies are locked up in a cell and given one hour to produce a hit record, but the Music Master's bone-headed henchman Gerald makes their job virtually impossible when he ties their hands behind their backs and gags them because they "made such an 'orrible noise". The Music Master impatiently demands that they produce a "number one sure-fire chartbuster" and with the threat of being locked up with Rolf Harris giving them sudden inspiration, Bill asks Tim and Graeme to start up a square dance rhythm. Tim and Graeme bleat that they don't know how to play one, but the Music Master merrily strikes up a square dance tune plays on the organ as Gerald and his fellow thugs take partners and dance along to Bill's instructions. As Bill gets the dancers to jump out the window (with them getting stuck inside brass instruments sitting outside the window), the Goodies are able to escape the Music Master's clutches, but take the time to release the other locked-up musicians first, including Engelbert and Rolf (with Graeme cautiously uttering "Come on out Rolf, no hard feelings hey?", then flinching as if Rolf is about to throw something at him!) Tim goes to let Cilla out, but Bill moans "No no don't let her out ...Oh those high notes, it's not fair on the world!" and Tim agrees (after hearing a blast of "You're My World" from Cilla), so they leave her locked up and flee outside.

The Goodies find it difficult to ward off Gerald and the other pursuing thugs, as they firstly try another round of square dancing ("Now everyone stop and doe-se-doe, punch your partner on the nose. Slap his face, kick his shin, all join arms and around again!") and then play Brahms' 'Lullaby' (which almost makes them nod off too) and 'God Save The Queen' (making Gerald and Co stand to attention) before they race to the bottom of a steep hill and set up a barricade of musical instruments. They finally force the thugs to back off (after Bill rebounds their bullets at them with a drum and knocks their hats off) when Graeme fires shells at them from his tuba cannon; however, the Goodies are in deep trouble when the Music Master rides over the hill on his organ, lowers the pipes and fires mortars at them. In desperation, Tim calls up reinforcement troops (which consist of the Halle Orchestra firing violin bows to the tune of Beethoven's 5^th Symphony!) who quell the Music Master and he is marched back to the house past his fallen troops to the tune of 'The Last Post' ringing out.

The Goodies are richly rewarded for their efforts with a pile of gifts from the music industry, including the loan of the half-clad Northern Dance Orchestra members who loudly sing Edelweiss to Bill while he is in the bathtub! Tim remarks that it's nice to receive such gratitude because the Goodies have done a service to the musicians and that "They should be all very happy." Graeme reckons that he knows of one who won't be however: "A certain young lady who we left locked up because we couldn't stand her high notes!" Sure enough, there is a knock on the door shortly afterwards and a lady's voice asks "Is that the Goodies?!" After their initial denial and then Tim saying that it was "just a joke" she growls "Oh, it was you, wasn't it?!" Tim's butter-up line of "Honestly, we're great great fans of yours ..." is somewhat spoilt by Graeme, who adds "Especially when you sing ... softly!", so Cilla tells them "I'm goona poonish ya !" and unleashes a massive high pitched note. The vibrations from this ongoing torture wreck all of the Goodies' nice presents (including Tim's "genuine Stradivarius") and cause the ceiling of the office to collapse on the Goodies as they cower below and try to cover their eardrums!

CLASSIC QUOTES

* BBC Newsreader: "Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this embarrassing silence to bring you a news flash. Reports are just coming in that Rolf Harris has been stolen. And now some bad news …!"

* Graeme: "We have got to become a Philharmonic Orchestra."

Bill (taken aback): "But there's only three of us!"

Graeme: "Well we'll just have to move around a bit."

* Tim (trying to find out who the Music Master (MM) really is): "I have a little trick up my sleeve that sometimes works" (turns to MM) "Who are you ?!"

MM: "M.J.Congleton. 17 Acacia Ville ... (pauses) heh heh heh oh no! You can't trick me as easily as that!"

* MM: "I used to produce records like this" (holds up a tiny circle of plastic) "The Best of Rolf Harris".

Tim: "But ... but there's nothing on it!"

MM: "True!"

* MM: "They're the only records you can buy. I've cornered the market. They're mine, I tell you! Mine, mine, all mine!!!"

Graeme: (horrified) "You're a loony!"

MM (distinctly pleased): "Eh thank you!"

* MM: "You've failed. Take them to the cells. You know what to do."

Gerald (shocked): "No, not dat boss!"

MM: "Yes, that!"

Goodies: "What ?"

Tim (worried): "They're going to kill us!

MM: "Oh no, something much worse! You're going to be locked up in a cell with ... Rolf Harris!"

('Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport' music)

Goodies (pleading): "No, kill us, kill us....!!"

CLASSIC SCENES

* Graeme displaying the string section of the band by opening the back of the bass to reveal a cello, then taking a violin out of the back of the cello in turn, rather like a set of Russian Matryoshka nesting dolls. When Tim complains that he can't play the violin, Graeme opens up the back of it and pulls out a triangle for him.

* The Goodies' ripping rendition of 'Land of Hope and Glory', with Bill blasting away on electric guitar (complete with trademark "WOOOOOOW" near the end!), Graeme playing piano and Tim playing the field with his lovely glee singers. Unfortunately it doesn't impress the Music Master's henchmen, as they burst in at the end and only kidnap the two glee singers rather than the Goodies themselves, who "ain't good enough" according to gangster Gerald.

* The Philharmonic Glee Club Rock 'N Roll Band lunch break segment (backed by the very catchy tune of the same name) which has several great visual gags, including Graeme peeling potatoes with the strings of his guitar, Tim frying chips on a grill in the piano lid, Bill using piano keys when all of the chips are gone and cooking the vegetables inside the drum set, Tim pouring wine from his trumpet, Bill drinking hot tea from his saxophone and finally Tim taking a bath in the kettle drums.

* The grand entry of the Music Master, who comes sliding through a door and along a catwalk aboard a batwing-shaped rotating organ while playing 'Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside'.

* The battle on the hillside culminating in the Music Master firing artillery at the Goodies from the pipes of his organ with a mad stare on his face and his cape flapping in the breeze, then coming under attack from rows of musicians firing violin bows to the strains of Beethoven's 5th.

* Cilla Black exacting revenge for being left locked up ("I'm goona do it, y'know!") by unleashing a seemingly endless high note which wrecks the Goodies office - and their eardrums too!

GUEST STARS

Henry McGee, Corbet Woodall, Norman Mitchell, Cilla Black, Ken Halliwell, Walter Henry, Patrick Milner, Maria O'Brien, Katya Wyeth

GOODIES SONGS

Land of Hope And Glory

Philharmonic Glee Club Rock And Roll Band

MOCK ADVERTISEMENTS

Beanz Meanz Heanz - "If I Was A Millionaire"

Baldicleanse Ink Remover

MY 2 CENTS WORTH

An early Goodies classic; featuring plenty of funny visual gags, some great lines, a mad arch-villain (arguably the greatest baddie in the entire run of the show) and his thick-as-a-brick henchman and a brilliant plot. The excellent music throughout, especially Bill's unique rendition of 'Land of Hope and Glory', completes a very classy package of Goodies-style humour which is comparable with their best work from the mid-70's.

RATING