The Official Goodies Rule - OK! Fan Club Website

PLOT

The Goodies run a 'Nicest Person of the Year Award', as Graeme lists odds and takes bets on the various candidates listed on a tote board in the office. The Goodies themselves are in the running for their own award (5/4-on favourites in fact) and are up against people like Liberace, Tony Blackburn, Moira Anderson, Lovelace Watkins, Hughie Green and the unknown Dr Petal ("a load of creeps", according to Bill). David Frost phones in, nominates himself, and is promptly given odds of two million to 1 by the less-than-impressed Goodies. Tim doesn't think it's right that they are entering their own contest, but Bill isn't so reluctant ("Aw c'mon, you don't want any of those creeps winning it, do you?!") and Graeme notes that as it's their job to be nice, the award would be good for business and the prizemoney would be good for their pockets; to which Tim agrees.

The Goodies ride their trandem down the street to spread joy and flowers to the public, but get pelted with fruit, then clobbered by ladies with handbags as they pull up near a bus stop. After they are booted out of a shop, they find that the trandem has been stolen and report it to the police, but only get treated with disrespect and derision by the police Sergeant (who mockingly chants "Somebody stole your trandem, somebody stole your trandem ...!") and a bunch of other boys in blue, who stick their fingers in their ears, pull funny faces and make silly noises at the bewildered Goodies. The Sergeant continues to insult them (calling Graeme "Fish face", Bill "Squirt" and an upset Tim "Pansy") and he shows them a 'Wanted' poster for the Goodies which advises that "These people are nasty, beastly, rude and horrible. Police are instructed to treat them with extreme disdain and call them names." Police reports are coming in that the Goodies are molesting people on their trandem and a peek out the window reveals three evil look-alikes riding up and down the street doing mean things to bystanders. However it takes the police Sergeant a long while to realise that they are not the real Goodies; who happen to be sitting right in front of him inside the police station watching this nastiness take place outside.

The 'baddies' make a clean getaway and the Goodies are still supposedly causing havoc in four different cities across Britain in a short space of time (including saying "Knickers!" to Vera Lynn), as the Sergeant says "They're giving you a very bad name" to the real Goodies; who are still at the police station. Before too long, the other entrants in the 'Nicest Person Of The Year Award' are also reported as doing bad things, such as Liberace assaulting his Mum, Lord Longford selling dirty books in Soho and Moira Anderson opening a sex boutique! Graeme realises that the impersonators must all be robot dummies, so the Goodies decide to follow nice people who are behaving badly. They eventually follow a group of nuns on roller-skates (who have just robbed a bank!) into a house and enter the spooky dungeon inside. Tim bumps into a covered pile of gear along the wall and a cloth slides off to reveal a bunch of headless dummies. The Goodies hear someone coming and each pull open a cupboard to hide in (which reveals the robot doubles of themselves, much to their horror) before they are cornered by the mysterious and creepy Dr Wolfgang Adolfus Ratfink Von Petal.

As the Goodies are being up, Graeme recalls that the doctor has received the Nobel Prize for "the most unpleasant and irresponsible scientist of the century", but Dr Petal claims that he is simply misunderstood and just wants to be liked. He tells them the sad story of his childhood where even his parents didn't like him (hence they christened him Ratfink) and that "I was the ugly duckling who grew up to be the ugly duck!", but that he had spent his whole life helping people; including "the Americans with their H-bomb, the Russians with their missiles, the British with their biological warfare. I even helped the Nazis ... how generous can you get?!" Therefore he has entered the 'Nicest Person of the Year Award' and intends to win it after ruining the chances of the other contestants with his wicked robot doubles.

Dr Petal intends to kill the Goodies so that his secret is safe and sets up an ingenious death device where they will either die from an alligator attack or from a bath of sulphuric acid falling on them. Somehow Graeme's potato peeler saves the day and the Goodies escape, but they are promptly recaptured by Dr Petal and strapped to a large bomb which is also attached to a cork holding back a burst of poison gas. Dr Petal hollers a maniacal "Goodbye Goodies! Bahahaha ...!" and leaves to collect his award as Graeme ponders how to get the Goodies out of their second deadly predicament.

At the 'Nicest Person of the Year Award' ceremony, the initial 200 entrants have been whittled down to a mere three (with the others having left the country, gone into hiding, changed their names, had plastic surgery done or locked themselves in the bathroom, according to the host!) – a bishop, a little old lady and Dr Petal. As a bookmaker spruiks the ever-changing odds, the old lady is carted away by police and the bishop's impressive charity profile is undermined by the revelation of his hobbies ("whipping choirboys, talking to sailors, dressing up as a woman (and) ... hoping to star in his own blue movies!") which leaves Dr Petal as the undisputed winner. Graeme finally hatches an escape plan, but he is too late as the bomb explodes and the Goodies are propelled into the air and through the roof of the 'Nicest Person of the Year Award' venue just as Dr Petal is about to be crowned.

Host Michael Aspirin is all confused as the Goodies protest the result and Dr Petal brings his the doubles of the Goodies on stage to try to prove that the real Goodies are in fact fakes. A lengthy chase scene occurs as the real Goodies try to dismantle the robots, which have superhuman strength, and there is much confusion as to whether a Goody is real or a dummy. After the Goodies finally succeed in quelling the robots, Tim toasts their 'Nice Person of the Year Award' win when Dr Petal bursts into the office and steals the crown (madly cackling "I'm nice! I'm really nice! ..." as he disappears). Tim summons Bill and Graeme to chase after Dr Petal, but they are just android doubles who attack him instead as he frantically calls out for the real Goodies to come and help him.

CLASSIC QUOTES

* Tim: (answering the phone): "You wish to nominate a contestant? (for the Nicest Person of the Year Award) Certainly. Could I have your name please? David what? Frist, yes. No, Frost … David Frost! (Tim gasps in mock amazement while Bill looks disgusted) And who do you wish to nominate? David Frost … that's right, yes it is super, isn't it? Yes and you're a very wonderful human being too! Yes. Byeee!" (hangs up with a disdainful look)

Graeme (gleefully setting the winning odds): David Frost! A million to one!

Tim: "No, two million!" (with Bill nodding in agreement)

* Bill: "Look at this. Julie Andrews has just recorded Eskimo Nell".

Tim: "She's done what?!"

Bill: "Yeah, yeah look. There's a picture of her in a topless rubber bikini."

Tim (shocked): "That's terrible!"

Bill (unimpressed): "Yeah, not up to much, is it!"

* Bill: "Look at this one (photo in newspaper). Tony Blackburn on Top of the Pops strangling a kitten!"

Sergeant: "Oh, Tony would never do anything like that."

Graeme: "Wait a minute ... do you notice anything? Look at Tony Blackburn's face. Look at that weird fixed grin and that strange blank look in his eyes."

Bill (dismissively): "He always looks like that!"

*Dr Petal: "Nobody loves me ... except for my pet vulture Lucretia. She only stays with me because she knows I left her something in my will."

Bill: "What have you left her?"

Dr Petal (creepily): "Me!!"

CLASSIC SCENES

* The 'Baddies' and their nasty exploits on the stolen trandem, including firing a catapult at a little old lady, upending another old dear's wheelchair as she desperately tries to get out of their way, nicking a baby's bottle of milk and drinking it, then hurling it back into the pram, stealing a man's cigar from out of his mouth, swinging three little dogs on leashes overhead like a lasso while riding along and dacking a policeman as the piece de resistance.

* The Goodies following 'nice' people who are behaving badly, including a female Salvation Army officer doing a sexy striptease act to the tune of the brass band, a bishop selling 'the pill' on a street corner ("Roll up, roll up, lovely pills ...!"), scouts forcing little old ladies across the road in peak hour traffic, a crossing supervisor herding a bunch of kids into the back of an ice cream truck heading to Uncle Jollies Meat Pies factory and a group of nuns on roller-skates who rob a bank; all with strange fixed robotic expressions on their faces.

GUEST STARS

Patrick Troughton, John Junkin, Peter Reeves, Felix Bowness, May Warden, Lola Morice

GOODIES SONGS

Needed

Bad Bad Lot

One More Chance

MOCK ADVERTISEMENTS

Long Distance Telephone Calls

MY 2 CENTS WORTH

A rather unusual Goodies episode in that the plot almost seems like something from a cartoon or comic strip, with an evil baddie trying to kill them and a number of rather corny and somewhat predictable scenes. Patrick Troughton is excellent as the crazy, over-the-top Dr Petal, but it appears as though the Goodies are hardly left with any decent lines or action themselves and the episode suffers because of it.

BLACK PUDDING RATING