A seven-minute clip that the Goodies contributed to "Christmas Night With The Stars" in 1972
A young orphan boy in ragged clothing looks longingly into a decorated shop window while standing on a snow-covered footpath; then turns and walks away with a sad expression on his face. At that moment the Goodies ride by on their trandem, towing a huge Christmas present with a label of 'The Goodies Travelling Instant Five-Minute Christmas' on it. They stop and bow to the boy; then escort him inside where he is seated on a comfy lounge chair while they set up a change screen for their show.
The Goodies rotate around the change screen (with different costumes on each time they re-emerge) as they sing a medley of Christmas carols, including 'Silent Night', 'We The Kings Of Orient Are' and 'Ding Dong Merrily On High'. Graeme gets distracted and reprises one of the carols out of sequence (only to be reeled back in by a shepherd's crook around his neck!) while Tim's enthusiastic bellringing solo comes to a halt when a giant bell drops down on top of him.
A showgirl in a fairy costume holds up a placard titled 'Christmas Eve' and Tim and Graeme bring a bed out from behind the change screen. An amorous Bill promptly grabs the showgirl and starts some shenanigans with her on the bed until Tim and Graeme chase them both away. The boy is getting tired, so Bill picks him up and heaves him high into the air and onto the bed before Tim whacks him over the head with a big mallet to put him to sleep!
Bill takes off one of his oversized striped stockings and hangs it on the foot of the bed, as Tim and Graeme bring out a chimney with a roaring fire in the fireplace at the base. A sweating wriggling Santa Bill at the top of the chimney urges the others to put the fire out, but then he finds that he is stuck fast and gets stretched to extraordinary lengths by Tim and Graeme as they try to free him. Tim eventually puts his mallet to use again and Santa Bill lands in the fireplace with a big thud (with a large sack of presents making an equally big thud on the back of his head while he is sitting there). Santa Bill throws all of the presents out of the sack to reveal the showgirl in the bottom (Santa's present to himself!) and he sets off in pursuit after her.
On Christmas morning, Tim and Graeme have a lot of trouble waking the boy up (unsuccessfully trying an alarm clock, horn, bell and gong before Tim dumps a bucket of water on him!) as Bill puts up the Christmas tree. Graeme opens a box of Christmas Fairies and Bill places one on the top of the tree, but the fairy flies away and soon the whole boxful of fairies are flapping around the room and making utter pests of themselves (despite the Goodies' best attempts to quell them with a flyswat and insect spray!)
The showgirl announces by placard that it's time for Christmas Dinner (with Bill - in a chef's hat and holding a knife and fork - sneaking up on her with a devious expression on his face!), so Tim and Graeme bring in the dinner table and seat the orphan boy at it. Bill brings in the turkey (live and flapping at first before he carries it off-screen, then a loud gunshot is heard and he reappears with a roast turkey on a plate!), sits it on the table and disappears. A swarm of Christmas fairies descend and quickly devour the turkey to the despair of the hungry boy (with one fairy having gorged so much that it can't fly and staggers across the table before falling off the edge with a shattering crash!) and Bill reappears to clear the plateful of bones away
Tim dishes up a plump Christmas pudding and puts a splash of brandy on the top, but it explodes into a raging inferno when he lights it and the pudding is burnt to cinders (which he still generously offers to the by-now starving orphan boy!) The Queen's Speech (with the honours done by Tim in a crown - who is still pestered by the ubiquitous Christmas fairies!) is ultimately followed by 'Panto Time', with Tim (as the goose who lays the golden egg, and then as Cinderella after a not-so-quick wardrobe change which leaves him with flippers on his feet), Bill (a black-clad baddie) and Graeme (the Handsome Prince in a mean pair of tights who has to try to fit a glass slipper over Tim's flipper!) joined by a large cast of previously unsighted pantomime actors for a final curtain call to the delighted young boy.
The orphan lad's enthusiasm is soon tempered however when Tim presents him with a Christmas card that unfolds to reveal a bill for 'The Goodies Travelling Instant Five-Minute Christmas' of 755.95 pounds and he sits in the chair with a forlorn look on his face. The showgirl fairy comes along, waves her wand and transforms him into a little rich boy (with a fancy suit and top hat - plus a large cigar to chomp on!), and he smiles and rips the bill to pieces, then throws it on the ground. As he is ferried away in a white chauffeur-driven limousine, the now-poor, bedraggled, shivering Goodies are looking longingly into the same window as the boy did at the start of the sequence.
Paul Ellison, Denise Distel
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
This special contribution to 'Christmas Night With The Stars' has virtually no dialogue (other than the Christmas carol medley and a quick complaint from Tim that he's not ready when Graeme drags him out on stage for the second act of the pantomime) and only has instrumental backing music rather than Goodies songs. However it does contain plenty of enjoyable and amusing visual gags which would have perfectly suited the target audience on Christmas Night (apart from Bill's quick fling with the showgirl on the bed perhaps!) and it's a neat showcase of typical Goodies visual humour.
BLACK PUDDING RATING