The Official Goodies Rule - OK! Fan Club Website

Tim excitedly watches the 'Come Dancing Club' show on TV, but Bill and Graeme's reactions are to yawn, sneer, deeply exhale and almost fall asleep from the utter boredom of it. Graeme comments "What a load of old rubbish" and Bill agrees; to which Tim huffily calls them "peasants" and intones that "Ballroom dancing is an oasis of dignity in a sterile waste of popular culture".

Things liven up considerably when the entire Florence Esterhazy School of Ballroom Dancing (and Cost Accountancy!) team suddenly collapses during the semi-final and are found to have been doped, which forces them out of the final the following week. An amused Graeme parrots Tim's "oasis of dignity" quote back at him in rather sarcastic fashion, while Bill claims that the dancers were "got at", which Tim stubbornly refuses to believe.

While the Goodies are watching events unfold on the TV, they receive a phone call from Penelope Fay, whose formation dancing team is also supposed to be contesting the final next week. When the Goodies arrive at her dance school, they find that her three male dancers have also been got at by various means (including "A patch of oil on the fast bend at the Locarno, Lytham St. Annes" and "A banana skin at the Bodega Ballroom, Bognor") and they will be unable to compete in the final due to their injuries. A disbelieving Tim still considers these incidents to be "extraordinary coincidences" but Bill is more on the ball and claims that "they were nobbled" by another dancing team. Penelope confirms that the culprit is the Delia Capone Syndicate, who was the winner of the other semi-final after its opponents were doped and would therefore be competing against her own team in the final. As her own male dancers are incapacitated, Penelope offers the Goodies payment to be part of her new dancing team to take on the devious Delia and her corrupt team in next week's final.

After repeatedly stepping on each other's toes as they learn to dance, Tim and Bill try using an 'Invitation to the Dance' instruction kit by the very camp Lionel Bleugh, but Graeme ultimately solves their dancing problems by developing special radio-controlled dancing suits which automatically take the steps for them. The Goodies are rather uncomfortable in their special suits (due to the "micro hydraulic servo system" in each one, as effortlessly explained by boffin Graeme) and they masquerade as boring bank tellers when Penelope introduces them to their dancing partners. The three young ladies all speak in unison ("We are Norma. We are a hair artiste.") and continue to chatter away mindlessly about their hair and dresses (with Penelope commenting to the Goodies afterwards that "I'm afraid they are extremely stupid, but in this business that is an advantage!")

Just prior to the dance final, Delia Capone and her tough-looking lady gangsters mosey in and she attempts to bribe the Goodies to take a dive ("How does a grand grab ya?" T (startled): "A grand what?!") before her ladies offers the Goodies a glass of bright green milk each from their violin cases ("So the cows ate a lotta grass!"). The Goodies are too noble to be bribed (though Bill pays a high price for this nobility when Delia pours a glass of milk into the crotch of his pants!) and take to the floor dancing the Military Twostep impeccably with the help of their special suits. Delia's dancers are very ordinary and out-of-step, but keep intimidating the judges to ensure maximum points; so after three dances, the scores of the two teams are still even.

A furious Delia waits in the dressing room and as Graeme comes offstage to adjust the control box for the suits, she berates him for not taking a dive ("Big Delia told ya to lose and ya didn't, did ya?!") Graeme is in a big hurry to get back on the floor for the next dance and inadvertently reveals the secret of the suits to an agog Delia ("But this is cheating!") before he comes out of the dressing room and reality hits him ("What have I done?!") Delia steals the control box and has great pleasure fiddling with the settings, which sends the Goodies dancing madly all over the place to the tune of 'Baby Face'. When the Goodies are also given 5 million points (just like her corrupt team, who hold up additional cards to turn the judges' marks of zero into a score of 5 million) Delia detonates the control box, suits and still-dancing Goodies in a wild fit of rage.

The contest is declared a draw, so Penelope only gives the Goodies half the money that she promised (neatly snapping the bundle of notes down the middle); a fair deal in her mind because she only ended up with half a trophy! Delia and her girls burst in again to reclaim the other half of the cup and Bill (further intimidated by Delia flicking the ash from her cigar into his pocket) wants to leave while Tim tries to stand up for Penelope to protect her from Delia's threats of violence. An incredulous Delia roars "Penelope?! Who's Penelope? ... You poor suckers! She's Peaches Stiletto, the ballroom shark!" (while Peaches winks and twitches away in a rather shifty-looking manner) and details Peaches' litany of prior convictions and exploitations of young dancers, who are later cast aside when they are of no further use to her. Peaches tearfully admits that she has indeed exploited the Goodies and wails that "no bank is going to take back a clapped-out dancer"; however she refuses to pack in the dancing caper because "I make a lot of money out of it" and she also wants to defeat Delia in the dance contest first.

Delia demands a dance-off at dawn on Hampstead Heath; with her men in a fight to the death with Peaches' "ladies" (as the Goodies look all around in puzzlement before realising that Peaches is talking about them). With an announcer and referee in place, a ravishing Tim (complete with mouthguard and weighing "140 pounds, two and a half new pence!") struts around in a twelve-round tango battle, then stomps on his opponent's foot before a busty Bill scores a KO with a low blow. The ladies Latin Medley formation team then belts the tripe out of the men in the final round, which sends Delia into another berserk tantrum and puts her out of business for good, along with Peaches who is able to retire from dancing on a high note.

Back at the office, the Goodies have suffered a heavy physical toll from their dancing victory as Tim has to put a raw chicken on his black eye (because the butcher had run out of steak!); while Bill is on crutches and Graeme can hardly move due to a sore back. However Tim is content because the Goodies have returned ballroom dancing to its former "harmless, healthy and wholesome state." At least he thinks so, until Graeme turns on the TV and they see dancers wrestling and punching each other at the Midland County Cha-Cha Championships. A quick change of channels to BBC2 shows two rugged wrestlers in tutus dancing in formation and then waltzing together arm-in-arm in the ring.

CLASSIC QUOTES

* Penelope Fay (regarding the Goodies not knowing how to dance): "But you can learn. Any idiot can. In fact, most idiots do!"

* Lionel Bleugh (on instruction record): "Hello! Well now, have you got my bijou dance chart spread out on the floor?"

Tim & Bill (in "Yes Mum" tone, frustrated): "Yes Lionel!"

Lionel: "Super dupes! Then we're all ready to go, aren’t we, petals?"

Bill (crossly): "Yeah we're ready, you camp old boot!"

Lionel (bitchily): "Saucy cat!" ... "It's ladies on the left and gentlemen on the right ... (frustrated after T & B get confused) ... well, make up your mind, sweeties!"

* Delia Capone (angrily to Bill): "Shut up, punk!" Bill (indignantly): "Don't call me a punk!" Delia: "Squirt!" Bill (accepting): "Fair enough!"

* Tim: "I thought ballroom dancing was so beautiful and pure ..."

Peaches Stiletto: "Pure! (laughs madly) It's a rat race, it's hard, it's tough and it's oh so lonely. God, it's lonely. Those aren't people out there, they're bank clerks!"

CLASSIC SCENES

* Tim and Bill learning to dance using Lionel Bleugh's dance kit, which features a floor chart with foot positions drawn on it (rather like a game of Twister) and an accompanying record with suitably la-de-dah instructions from Lionel himself. Tim and Bill do their best to follow his commentary (with Tim dancing the woman's part) but end up in a messy tangled embrace, with Tim shrieking "I am the woman!"; much to the horror of an unaware Graeme who has just walked in the door and witnessed the aftermath.

* Delia Capone telling the Goodies to take a dive or "you might have a little accident", then pouring a glass of milf into the front of Bill's pants. The look on his face is a priceless mix of amusement, embarrassment and presumably discomfort before he gives an agonized "Ooh hoo hoo!" shortly afterwards.

* The speeded up dance sequence when Delia is messing with the control box, which sees the Goodies impersonating kangaroos and a pinball machine before crashing through the wall and dancing with a policeman and mailbox in the street. Delia chucks a wobbly and slams the control box into the wall at full force, causing the Goodies and their suits to erupt in a huge explosion as they dance out of control down the street. (Note: The end part of this scene appears in colour as part of the opening theme clips during the series, along with the shot of Bill dancing with the mailbox)

GUEST STARS

Joan Sims, June Whitfield, Roland MacLeod, William Jenner, Wendy Hillhouse, Linda Hotchkin, Bebe Robson, The Frank & Peggy Spencer Penge Formation Team

MOCK ADVERTISEMENTS

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Dogginosh Dog Food

MY 2 CENTS WORTH

A long-lost episode which resurfaced on Pay-TV in the mid-1990s; although only in black and white footage, with a restored colour version released later on DVD. A good send-up; helped by the corny but amusing waltzing mafia characters who add a bit of spice to what would otherwise be a rather boring ballroom. In fact, Delia Capone would be up there among the best baddies that the Goodies have to face in the entire show.

BLACK PUDDING RATING