The Official Goodies Rule - OK! Fan Club Website

PLOT

The Goodies try to sell flags on a street corner to raise money for charity, but nobody wants to support them. An old bat even bops Bill with her handbag, which knocks him to the ground and when he hurls his collection tin at her in anger, it comes whizzing back at him just as quickly. The Goodies spot a Rolls Royce limousine zipping around the streets, so they quickly set up an elaborate roadblock which forces the car to a screeching halt. Tim walks over to the limousine, rings the doorbell on the side and enters to find a gentleman pouring himself a drink in the spacious surroundings. The man is quite abrupt (telling Tim "I'm a very busy man") and refuses to donate even a penny to the charity, but he does give Tim some free advice that instead of asking for money, he should set up a fundraising scheme instead and that "I may contribute something" if the scheme is worthwhile.

He also gives Tim his business card (which shows that he is the Managing Director of Sparklipegs Toothpaste, causing Tim to comment that he must be "filthy rich") and then tells him to "Get out", as his Rolls Royce screeches off into the distance. Graeme promptly devises a fundraising scheme and the Goodies turn up at the House of Sparklipegs office (a multistorey building with eyes and the outline of a mouth on one outside wall, with the windows looking like rows of big teeth) to find that all of the employees display exaggerated pearly white smiles almost as big as the one on the building that they work in. The Goodies march unannounced into the Managing Director's office (where he is seated at an ugly-looking desk in the shape of a smiling mouth and dictating a letter to his secretary) and pester him with Graeme's fundraising idea of a London to Brighton walk. He asks "What's in it for me?" and is unmoved despite much sad music and pleading from the Goodies that his support would give him "peace of mind" and "relieve suffering in this world." However his interest is sparked once the Goodies mention the "free publicity" that the charity walk would create for his company and he introduces himself as Mr Sparklipegs; telling the Goodies that the firm was established when his father's first business went bankrupt ("Cheeky Charlie Sparklipegs – Funeral Director ... never did very well!")

Mr Sparklipegs introduces his grovelling offsider Minion, who proceeds to butter up the Goodies ("Oh you are nice people, it's a pleasure and a privilege to meet you ... etc") until he is told to "shut up" by his boss. Lured by the thought of the free publicity, Mr Sparklipegs pledges to sponsor the Goodies 10 pounds a mile each from London to Brighton, which would see them raise 1740 pounds for charity. However Mr Sparklipegs firstly cons Tim into signing a blank piece of paper and then adds various clauses as he sees fit; with the first one relating to costumes ("With what they'll be wearing, they won't get very far!")

The contract involves the Goodies being dressed as Sparklipegs toothpaste tubes with lead tops to weigh them down even further, but the penny-pinching Mr Sparklipegs is aghast when he realises that the Goodies have also signed up heaps of other volunteers to take part as well. Minion unveils Plan B which requires all participants to bounce along on inflatable spacehoppers, but this backfires badly, as bouncing is the Goodies favourite hobby (having gone on a "bouncing tour of Scotland" last holidays). While most of the participants struggle to bounce past the starting line, the Goodies bounce along merrily and the increasingly panicky Mr Sparklipegs takes off after them in his Rolls Royce. After Mr Sparklipegs unsuccessfully tries to fob Tim and Bill off with an offer of 5 pounds (and then 20 pounds in desperation to Graeme) for stopping early (to a reply of "No thank you, it's Brighton or bust"), he then sends Minion after them on a motor scooter to disqualify them if they cheat.

Back at the House of Sparklipegs, the extremely dopey but ever-grinning secretary, Miss Simpkins is scrubbing the teeth on the side of the desk with a huge toothbrush as Mr Sparklipegs agonises that he is having to pay the Goodies too much ("After all, it's ten times (Miss Simpkins') annual wage!") He manages to whittle the 1740 pounds sponsorship back to the princely sum of 52 pence by deducting all sorts of costs (including the spacehoppers, costumes, petrol for Minion's scooter and a new engine for his limo), and even then, he still can't bear to part with it despite the fact that the publicity is increasing sales by at least 20,000 pounds. He asks Minion to pay the Goodies their handful of change (after he firstly docks Minion half a day's pay for being out of the office following the Goodies on his own orders!), but Minion tells him the bad news that the Goodies are not stopping at Brighton and are continuing to bounce around the world.

A newspaper report that the Goodies have been lost at sea causes Mr Sparklypegs to break open the champagne (and a cup of tea each for Minion and Miss Simpkins – but no sugar!); however news comes in from the French office of Sparklipegs that the Goodies have reached France and are still bouncing. The spacehopper odyssey goes on through Germany (where beer-drinking Germans bounce up and down), Italy (sending winemakers jumping up and down in their grape tubs) and India(a bouncing cobra and a guru bouncing up and down on a bed of nails, then having a drink of water which leaks out of his rear end like a watering can nozzle!) as Mr Sparklipegs continually adds up the mounting sponsorship bill on his cash register in utter despair. Upon hearing that the Goodies have reached New Guinea and are heading for Australia ("Australia? That's in America, isn't it!"), a desperate Mr Sparklipegs despatches Minion to stop them. Minion tries to avoid going by claiming that he has a cold and then asks for the airfare (only to be told "Get out!"), so he sets off on his scooter again. Although he catches up with the Goodies in Australia (along with a bouncing Rolf Harris!) he has his bouncing kangaroo skin pinged by an Indian's arrow in America and is blown up when trying to bounce along the beach on a landmine in pursuit. Minion's blackened appearance from the landmine explosion causes him to be belted up by the police in South Africa (with the officer playing only the white keys of a piano keyboard in a forerunner to 'South Africa' in Series 5) and he suffers cruel tricks from mirages in the Sahara Desert (notably a coconut tree suddenly appearing in his path and knocking him off his scooter, then a crowd of people jeering him and then vanishing just as quickly), as the Goodies bounce their way back home to London again.

Mr Sparklipegs is disguised and ready to flee, as he can't bear to hand over his money. He complains that his hair has gone grey from all of the stress and that he is a "ruined, broken old man". He shapes to give Miss Simpkins a farewell kiss; then barks "Take those damn silly teeth out!" (only for her to take them out and have a natural grin that is just as inane anyway!) and although Minion tries to lock the Goodies in a big box upon arrival, they triumphantly enter the office to claim their massive sponsorship for their round-the-world bounce. Mr Sparklipegs is perched on the window ledge ready to jump out and end it all until Minion shows him the record worldwide sales figures just as he leaps, causing him to claw his way back through the window frame and pound signs to light up in his glasses. However the Goodies' claim of 1,200,000 pounds of his money has Mr Sparklipegs ready to jump out a second time until Minion points out that the Goodies preferred charity - the Grieving Grannies - is one of his own companies that has been set up as a tax dodge! Therefore Mr Sparklipegs gratefully accepts the cheque back from the Goodies on behalf of the Grieving Grannies and they plunge out the window themselves in despair at bouncing "all of the way around the world for nothing", but keep bouncing back up high into the air on their spacehoppers.

CLASSIC QUOTES

I'm really struggling to come up with one. Perhaps Mr Sparklipegs telling his empty-headed secretary Miss Simpkins to take 20,000 tubes of Sparklipegs toothpaste and scrub away the oil spilt on England's beaches could be used, but the delivery of the line is so uninspiring that it falls rather flat anyway. Maybe some of Minion's frequent grovelling fits the bill, as it is a classic example of a master boss-crawler at work.

CLASSIC SCENES

* The ever-smiling, completely stupid secretary Miss Simpkins trying to put the petty cash back in the safe, which is guarded by a massive chomping set of sparkling white teeth. Her hands get caught and are squashed so badly that her fingers are longer than her feet. Mr Sparklipegs tells her that she can't possibly type with fingers like that, so she is fired. However later she is pictured typing away one letter at a time in extreme pain every time she taps a key, but still with a dopey grin frozen on her face.

* The Goodies bouncing through a pedestrian zebra crossing in South Africa, with a black man waiting on one side and a white man on the other side. After the Goodies are gone, the pedestrians cross the road by bouncing hopscotch-style, with the white guy only hopping on the white strips and the black guy only landing on the black ones!

GUEST STARS

Freddy Jones, Johnathon Cecil, Gilly McIvor

GOODIES SONGS

Needed

The Goodies Theme

Spacehopper

MOCK ADVERTISEMENTS

Stuffed Olive Soap

Yellow Pages

MY 2 CENTS WORTH

The 'bouncing around the world on spacehoppers' idea might have worked OK as a chase scene clip as part of an episode, but it becomes very tedious when stretched throughout an entire show. Unfortunately with the Goodies mainly only appearing in these visual sequences, the plot is essentially centred on the arrogant, unlikeable, money-hungry character of Mr Sparklipegs. Despite a couple of redeeming features like the grovelling Minion, the vacuous ever-grinning Miss Simpkins and the catchy 'Spacehopper' song, the almost complete lack of funny lines or visual effects makes it one of the Goodies' least memorable episodes.

BLACK PUDDING RATING