Index

» Introduction
» Tempting Targets
» Loony Logic
» Wacky Wordplay
» Ratty Rants
» Crazy Concepts
» Wise Words
» All Quotes

101 CLASSIC GOODIES QUOTES

TEMPTING TARGETS

1* Tim (picking up phone): "I'm going to make a complaint to the very highest authority."

Graeme (shocked): "Not ..."

Bill (also shocked): "... David Frost!"

Tim : "No, not that high ... no ... no ...!"

(2/3  Pollution)

2* Music Master: "I used to produce records like this" (holds up a tiny circle of plastic) "The Best Of Rolf Harris".

Tim: "But ... but there's nothing on it!"

Music Master: "True!"

(2/5  The Music Lovers)

3* Music Master: "You've failed.  Take them to the cells. You know what to do."

Gerald (shocked): "No, not dat boss!"

Music Master: "Yes, that!"

Goodies: "What ?"

Tim (worried): "They're going to kill us!

Music Master: "Oh no, something much worse!  You're going to be locked up in a cell with ... Rolf Harris!"

('Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport' music)

Goodies (pleading): "No, kill us, kill us....!!"

(2/5  The Music Lovers)

4* Tim (to the Americans): "Too many times you've taken too much from us. London Bridge ... the Queen Mary ... Julie Andrews and David Frost.  And we're grateful!"

(2/6  Antiques)

5* Witch Hazel: "What I need is to re-establish contact with the living dead.  I need to be put in touch with those lost souls on the other side."

Tim: "Say no more." (picks up phone) "Thames Television please!"

(3/4  That Old Black Magic)

6* Tim: "So tomorrow night when the owls do hoot and the moon is full, we must journey to the abode of the living dead"

Bill: "Aw, we're not going to Bognor again, are we?!"

(3/4  That Old Black Magic)

7* Isobel Chintz (to Bill) "Tonight you're gonna perform the big showstopping, amazingly tasteless number on Top Of The Pops.  Oh kid, when Tony Blackburn sees you, he's gonna drop dead from embarrassment"

Graeme "Oh well, at least some good will come of it!"

(Special – Superstar)

8* Graeme (spruiking his magic medicine elixir): "My friends, this here bottle contains a guaranteed all-purpose remedy for prostration, inflation and frustration ... pneumonia and old monia ... distemper, dat temper and bad temper ... sunburn, heartburn ... and Tony Blackburn!"

(to much hootin', hollerin' and hat throwin'!)

(4/3  Hospital For Hire)

9* (Tim wants to sack all of the British movie directors)

Bill: "It's just old Ken (Russell).  He did do The Boyfriend with Twiggy and the dancing - that was nice."

Tim [dismayed]: "He also had Oliver Reed burned to death!"

Bill [keenly]: "Yeah, so he can't be all bad, can he?!"

(5/1  Movies)

10* Graeme (putting Frankenfido together): "Look.  Teeth.  You wouldn't find teeth like these on a mere dog."

Tim: "What are they?  Horse, alligator, tiger ..."

Graeme (opens box to reveal glittering diamond-studded choppers): "Look at them."

Tim (shocked): "No!  Not Donny Osmond!"

Graeme: "Yep."

Tim (in horrified indignation): "You ... you've been using people! ... And Donny Osmond!!"

(5/5  Frankenfido)

11* Tim (feeding Tony Blackburn at the Star Safari Park): "There's a good boy.  Nice din-dins for Tonykins!"

Bill (to Graeme, scornfully): "Honestly!  The way he talks to him, you'd think he was human!"

(5/6  Scatty Safari)

12* Tim (annoyed at declining visitor numbers after Tony is shot): "Stuff Tony Blackburn!"

Bill (excitedly): "That's an idea!"

Tim: "No, the visitors would notice."

Bill: "No they wouldn't.  Hardly any difference!"

(5/6  Scatty Safari)

13* Eurovision Raving Loony Contest host, Katie Pimple (cheerfully): "For those of you who haven't read the Radio Times, ... and let's face it, who the hell does ...!"

(5/10  Cunning Stunts)

14* Graeme (about the Eskimo fishermen): "They're still out there.  How are we going to scare them off?"

Bill: "Er ... Nicholas Parsons masks?!" (holds up mask)

Graeme (scornfully): "Nicholas Parsons masks don't scare any ... (catches sight of mask)  AAARRRGGH!"

Tim (also startled): "Ohhhh!  That might frighten us, but it won't work on the Eskimos.  Our Nicholas is very big on Eskimo television.  Does Whale Of The Century - they love him!"

Graeme (appalled): "Love him?!  Good God, we're dealing with savages!!"

(and a little later …)

* Bill (waving a Nicholas Parsons mask at the goldfish tank, simulating Nicholas during program interludes): "Slime, slime, grease, grease!  Slime, slime, patronise, patronise!!"

(6/1  Lips, or Almighty Cod)

15* Graeme (about the World Domination scouting badge) "There's only three people that have those.  That was Alexander The Great, Julius Caesar and David Frost.  Mind you, Frosty pinched his!"

(7/3  Scoutrageous)

16* The Queen (about Rolf Harris at the Royal Command performance): "Off with his didgeridoo!!"

(7/5  Royal Command)

17* Bill (regarding Rod Stewart entering Disco Bilius): "What, he's wearing one sock?  On his what?!  Oh that's pretty unusual, I'm surprised it fits actually!  Still, tell you something, he's not coming in, no, no, no.  He'd look absolutely ridiculous, dancing with a sock on his nose!"

(8/2  Saturday Night Grease)

LOONY LOGIC

18* Graeme (examining where the letter to the GPO has been): "London, Belfast, Manchester, Edinburgh, Hong Kong  ... oh come on, it can't have been to Edinburgh!"

(1/7  Radio Goodies)

19* Graeme: "This is my latest and most ambitious plan so far, the most daring stroke in the history of human endeavour.  (points to diagram)  These are giant hydraulic jacks spanning the channel, this is the navy and the QEII.  Teams of miners will tunnel underground from east to west, and then … then comes the big push!"

Bill (bemused): "What's it for?"

Graeme: "I intend to tow the whole of Great Britain outside the five mile limit!  Then I shall take over as leader of a pirate state."

(1/7  Radio Goodies)

20* Graeme (suspiciously): "Wait a minute.  Wait a minute.  Are you sure you're virgins?"

Tim & Bill (dressed as virgins in white robes and wigs): "Yes, sir."

Graeme: (looking at Bill) "But she's got a beard!"

Tim: "That's why she's a virgin!"

Graeme: "Fair enough!"

(3/4  That Old Black Magic)

21* Tim: "You've painted everything black and white!"

Bill: "Certainly.  I'm making a black and white film."

Tim: "Don't be ridiculous!"

Bill: "This is a hard job.  God blimey!  No wonder they went over to colour!"

(and a little later …)

Bill:  "You underestimate us silent comics, you, mate.  Buster Keaton … Buster Keaton, he must have spent three weeks painting the whole town black and white, right?  Then a ruddy great building falls on him and he doesn't make a sound.  No.  Not even so much as a 'My God, that was close!'"

(5/1  The Movies)

22* Roman Emperor:  "Why didn't you book the Christians?  It's a good family show!"

Tim: " They're not doing it anymore.  They said they got fed up with being thrown to the lions, so now thanks to you they've all got much better jobs as fruitgrowers.  And what's more, there are no gladiators left because they've all been eaten by the lions who were hungry because there were no Christians, and before you ask there are no lions left because they've been eaten by the Christians who have got sick of the sight of fruit!"

(5/9  Rome Antics)

23* Tim: "Perhaps we could frighten them by broadcasting messages to them in their own language. If only we had an Eskimo phrase book ... ah, here's one!"

(6/1  Lips, or Almighty Cod)

24* Graeme (about his building plans): "That's the whole point, you fool.  Look, do you realise that the rent on that place is going to be 4000 pounds per square foot.  And that's per minute!"

Bill: "Nobody can afford that, can they!"

Graeme: "Well of course they can't, so there's no point wasting money putting doors and windows in, is there!?  Goodness me!  As a matter of fact, there's no rooms in there either and that's so the squatters can't move in ... I've thought of everything!"

(5/13  The End)

25* Tim (checking wine bottle): "Hang about, what's that?"

(points to 'arsenic' label on bottle)

Graeme (sniffs bottle): "The characteristic smell of bitter almonds."

Bill: "Isn't that cyanide?"

Graeme: "Precisely.  This arsenic has been poisoned!"

(6/3  Daylight Robbery On The Orient Express)

26* Tim (incredulously, reading Graeme's ad): "Look at this.  Nine out of every ten doctors agree that people who don't eat Sunbeam sliced bread will get squashed by elephants!"

Graeme: "That's right.  Mind you, it did take us a long time to find the right nine doctors, woo hoo, hoo (makes loony signal) ... and the elephants!"

(6/5  It Might As Well Be String)

27* Graeme (treating Tim for his belly button phobia): "Then there's aversion therapy, but I dunno, I've been put off that!"

(7/6  Earthanasia)

WACKY WORDPLAY

28* Bill: "I've done a jingle!" (for Snooze bedtime drink)

Graeme (patronisingly): "There's a good boy!"

(1/2  Snooze)

29* Tim (at Ye Olde Shepherd's Restaurant): "Come on, we're leaving"

Waiter: "But, your sweet Sir..."

Tim (flattered): "Ooh, thank you very much!  But we're still leaving."

(to a look of bemused revulsion from the waiter)

(2/9  Food)

30* Tim: (horrified at the sight of Bill's vulture) "What's that on your shoulder?!"

Bill: (ruefully) "Oh, he hasn't done it again, has he!"

(3/5  For Those In Peril On The Sea)

31* Nasty Person: "Gerald, a word in your ear ..."

Gerald: "Oh, is dere boss?!"

(taps his head and sticks his finger into his ear!)

(3/5  For Those In Peril On The Sea)

32* Tim (as court jester, with backing from Bill): "Once a knight, always a knight.  Twice a night and you're doing all right!!"

(4/1  Camelot)

33* Bill (examining the hayfever-suffering Minister for Health's foot): "It's a corn."

Bill & Tim: "Oh, no!"

Minister for Health: "A corn!"

Tim: "Wheat!"

Graeme: "Barley!

Bill: "Rye!"

All in unison: "Hay ... YATCHOO!!"

(4/3  Hospital For Hire)

34* Graeme (preferring archaeology over modern-day entertainment):

"I'm off all this newfangled rubbish.  I am into neolithic man."

Bill (suspiciously): "Is that legal!?"

(4/4  The Stone Age)

35* Bill (supposedly shouting for help through the dinosaur's mouth): "She was only the caveman's daughter, but you don't know what Dina saw ... bu-boom!"

(and a bit later): "If you can't send help, then at least send us a good ventriloquist!"

(4/4  The Stone Age)

36* Graeme (giving Tim driving lessons): "First, the clutch is depressed."

Tim (sympathetically): "Ohh, cheer up little clutch!"

Graeme: "The gears are engaged"

Tim (excitedly): "Congratulations gears!"

(4/6  The Race)

37* Bill (about great silent comics): "Keaton, Chaplin, Harry Langdon, Lavatory Meadows ..."

Graeme (incredulously): "Lavatory Meadows?!"

Tim: "He means W.C.Fields."

(5/1  The Movies)

38* Major Cheeseburger (upon hearing that the Goodies ate the 'tomato soup'): "Well I'll be hornswaggled!"

Graeme (firmly): "Your personal life is no concern of ours!"

(5/2 The Clown Virus)

39* (Graeme and Bill are looking at a framed photo of Tim on the wall after he has left them)

Bill: "You know, I reckon I'll miss him."

Graeme: "Not if you aim carefully!")

(Bill then hurls a cricket ball at the photo, smashing the glass panel for a 'bullseye'!)

(5/3  Chubby Chumps)

40* Bill: "Allow me to elucidate"

Graeme: "You do and you clean it up yourself"

(starts cackling, almost cracking Bill up)

(5/7  Kung Fu Kapers)

41* Graeme (about the Goodies being stuck on the lighthouse for five years): "I admit, it's my fault.  I just misread the advert, that's all.  I thought it said a little light housekeeping!"

(5/8  Lighthouse Keeping Loonies)

42* Tim (reading sign): "South African Tourist Board.  Through door and turn white."

(5/11  South Africa)

43* Tim (about Bill being drunk): "Pay no attention to him.  He's pissed."

Graeme: "Has he?!"

Tim: "Yes!"

(5/13  The End)

44* Tim (pleading, while the Goodies are trapped): "I want a son.  I must have a son.  Graeme, you're a doctor!"

Graeme (looking stunned): "Sorry, it can't be done!"

Tim: "But a man isn't a man unless he exercises his right to fatherhood!"

Bill (chuckling): "You can exercise it all you like, but you won't find much use for it here!"

(5/13  The End)

45* Bill: "Is it anything to do with food, hey?  Am I getting warm?"

Tim (getting ready to cannibalise him): "You soon will be!"

(5/13  The End)

46* Tim (about the dodo at the pet shop): "Was it going cheap?"

Graeme: "No, it was going 'ERRRKKK!!'"

(7/2  Dodonuts)

47* Tim (reciting the boy scout oath): "He does not indulge in woggle jokes such as "Have you seen his woggle?  No, but it's a good trick if he can do it!""

(7/3  Scoutrageous)

48* Tim: "I'd be happy to be an OBE.  Best of all, an Earl and an OBE."

Graeme (wryly): "You'd be an earlobe!"

(7/5  Royal Command)

49* Tim, as Timita (consoling two common factory workers who are worried that she mightn't win the election):

"Don't cry for me Marge and Tina!"

(8/1  Politics)

50* Tim (shocked): "You've been gambling!"

Graeme (innocently): "No!"

Tim: "Bet you have."

Graeme: "How much you bet ... ooh what a giveaway!"

(8/3  A Kick In The Arts)

51* Graeme: "In fact, I could sell you a few dozen of these (EBGB robots).  You could open up a string of cafes up and down the country."

Tim: "Oh, like McDonalds hamburgers?"

Graeme: "Not much!"

Tim: "Neither do I."

(8/4  U-Friend Or UFO)

52* Bill (angrily, after Tim and Graeme have sacked him): "All right, I'm going. But I'm going to take industrial action. And I'll tell you, you've got right up my nose!"

Tim: "And what are you gonna do?"

Bill: "Picket!"

(9/1  Robot)

RATTY RANTS

53* Graeme (barrelling Tim): "I'll tell you why you closed it (the post office) down.  Because you're an ineffectual, petty, interfering, unimaginative, useless little lackey! WHAT ARE YOU?!"

Tim (scared witless): "I - I - I'm an ineffectual, intellectual ..."

Graeme (enraged): "THAT'S NO EXCUSE!" … "How can I create a new world when I'm surrounded by fools?!"

Tim & Bill (both panicking):  "He's flipped, he's flipped, he's gone, now he's completely gone!"

(1/7  Radio Goodies)

54* Graeme (to Radio Goodies audience): "This is your leader speaking.  Here is an important announcement.  It has been put about by back-sliding revisionary paper hyenas that the Goodies Pirate Post Office is closing down.  This ... is a lie! (thumps desk)  Our glorious post office gallantly continues to function.  We will get your letters through!  These are dark days and the storm clouds gather around us.  But never fear!  I pledge that I, your leader, will see you safely through to a better world!  ... And now ... (reaches for record player)  A Walk In The Black Forest!"

(1/7  Radio Goodies)

55* Graeme (power-crazed): "Today the post office. Tomorrow ... the world!"

(followed by a mad stare and fiendish eye-rolling!)

(1/7  Radio Goodies)

56* Tim & Bill (in unison): "You're a megalomaniac,  you're a megalomaniac!"

Graeme (jumping up and down in the boat): "I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!!

(1/7  Radio Goodies)

57* Music Master (about his "surefire hit" records like the Julie Andrews Album Of Rugby Songs): "They're the only records you can buy.  I've cornered the market.  They're mine, I tell you!  Mine, mine, all mine !!!"

Graeme: (horrified) "You're a loony!"

Music Master (distinctly pleased): "Eh thank you!"

(2/5  The Music Lovers)

58* TV Presenter (describing the Goodies gender education film): "Obscene, dirty, squalid, scabrous, salacious, lewd, randy, rude, outrageous, lubricious ... and a bit off!"

(2/11  Gender Education)

59* Radio Announcer: "BBC Radio have banned all Top 20 records on the grounds of offensive language and bad taste ... eeeewwhh ... nasty, disgusting filth made by spotty weirdos who should be lined up against the wall and have their hair cut! ... and that's that!  And now in place of Pick Of The Pops, we shall be joining Radio 3 for a performance of Valdoni's opera 'Il Borrolio De Minisculi' ... the disembowelling of a dwarf!"

(Special – Superstar)

60* Tim (in patriotic speech mode): "Good old John Bull will never bow down to these greasy wops, frogs, krauts and Luxembourgians!" ...... "We shall beat these cocky foreigners - them and their garlic bicycles!"

(to bemused looks from Bill and Graeme)

(4/6  The Race)

61* Reverend Llewellyn (after Bill has told him that there is no booze left at the Reverend's decrepit bar):

"Booze?!  So it's booze you're wanting, is it?!" … "Well you'll get none of the devil's brew here."

Tim: "Excuse me, any chance of a nice hot cup of tea?"

Reverend Llewellyn (getting annoyed) : "Ah so it's tea now, is it?  Tea is a foul potion of the orient, a stimulator of the flesh, an inflamer of the senses …

Bill (disgusted):  "God blimey, I bet nobody ever comes in this place, do they?"

Reverend Llewellyn: "Certainly not.  Oh we're righteous people, right enough.  You'll catch none of us committing one of the 9764 deadly sins!  Regrettably though we are a dying race.  There is not many of us left."

Graeme: (chuckles) "Pretty low birthrate, I should think."

Reverend Llewellyn (horrified):  Birthrate?!  You mean babies?!  We have none of that sinful wickedness here!"

Tim (innocently): "Do you have sandwiches?"

Reverend Llewellyn (agitated): "Sandwiches?!  You mean food?!  We allow no voluptuous indulgences of the carnal appetites.  Where does eating get you, eh?  You'll be wanting lavatories next!"

Bill (indignantly): "Oi, don't tell me you haven't got any lavatories!"

Reverend Llewellyn (still agitated): "Temples of Beelzebub!  The open door to hellfire and brimstone!  The hot seat!"

Bill (bluntly): "No wonder you're a dying race.  I suspect you're all dying for a ...!"

Tim (hastily): "Shh Bill!!

(5/4  Wacky Wales)

62* Bill (annoyed): "Everything is round in a lighthouse, look at it.  The room, carpet, chairs, windows, all round, I can't stand it much longer.  Five years, I've been here five minutes and I've had enough.  It's round, it's round, it's round, it's round, it's all round!"

Tim: "Well put on a record then."

Bill: "It's round!" [smashes record]

Tim: "All right, I'll give you a game of chess."

Bill: "Round!" [throws chessboard away in disgust]

Tim (frustrated): "Here's your supper, and stop moaning."

Bill (ranting): "Look at this!  Hamburgers … round, peas and carrots … round, the plate … a round plate!  What about this, look at that tray.  Do you know what shape the tray is? The shape of the tray is round.  [flings it away]  The table, now let me guess, let me guess … don't tell me!  I bet it's round, I bet it's … ooh what a surprise!  It's round, round, round! [thumps table]

Tim: "Well you can't complain about this – your favourite pudding, lemon meringue pie."

Bill (suspiciously): "What shape's that?

Tim (unconvincingly): "Square"

Bill: "No it isn't.  It's round!"

Tim: (slightly more convincingly) "It's squarish"

Bill (crankily): It is not, it's round, give me that!  It's round, isn't it, and it's going right into your round face.

(as he starts chasing after Tim, holding the pie aloft)

(5/8  Lighthouse Keeping Loonies)

63* Tourist Officer (to Tim, angrily): "Hey you!  It's all your fault.  You made it look as if South Africa were full of black people."

Bill: "Worse than that, it looked as though it were full of black and white minstrels!" (laughs)

Tourist Officer (grabs Bill by the jacket menacingly): "In South Africa we have white and white minstrels!"

(5/11  South Africa)

64* Tim (trying to annoy goldfish): "You stupid fish.  You're nothing but a fish, you fish!  You're all the same, you rotten lousy fish.  You're stupid, what are ya?  You're stew-pid!  When was the last time a fish was Prime Minister, hey?  Name me one fish with a degree in economics and philosophy - just one!  Has Prince Charles' name ever been romantically linked with a FISH?!  Hmmm?!"

(6/1  Lips, or Almighty Cod)

65* Tim (about water being far too sexy): "Yes, mention water and what's the first thing that springs to mind, hey?  A nubile young nymphette in a wet shirt, the damp, almost transparent fabric clinging to her every contour, rivulets of water trickling down her sensuous form!  (composes himself)  At least that's what springs to my mind!"

(6/5  It Might As Well Be String)

66* Bill (getting cross with his pet dodo): "How a greedy, obnoxious, bad-tempered, filthy berk of a bird with bad breath, B.O. and a beak like a battleship ever lasted ten seconds on this planet absolutely beats me!"

(7/2  Dodonuts)

67* Tim (joyfully, to his new friend, the mouse): "Really little mouse?  You really think I look like an ugly old cow?!  Really? I'm so ugly that when I come into the room, you mice jump onto a chair! Really? I'm the ugliest thing you've ever seen in the whole ... (changes his tune) the whole of your life?!  CHEEKY BLOODY MOUSE!! 

(whacks it angrily with his broom!)

(7/4  Punky Business)

68* Tim (in a mad panic upon finding out that the end of the world is nigh): "Where are my shiny shoes?!  I want to die with my shiny shoes on!  I'm a teapot!  I'm a teapot ...!"

(7/6  Earthanasia)

69* Bill (lifts Tim's shirt):"Behold, the belly button"

(this reveals a triangular-shaped patch covering Tim's belly button)

Graeme (stunned): "And what is that?"

Tim (embarrassed): "It's an A-string"

Graeme (demandingly): "And WHAT is an A-string?!"

Tim: "It's a G-string, but a little higher up!"

(7/6  Earthanasia)

70* Bill (chanting as a soccer hooligan): "What a load of rubbish!  What a load of rubbish!" ... "The referee's a fairy!  The referee's a fairy!" ...(then yelling at a player after he is felled in a tackle) ... "Get up, ya great nancy!  Get up!  He's not hurt!  You great big poof!  You girl!  Get up!  (player is lying on the ground being examined by trainers)  Faking, faking, he's faking!  Get up!  Time wasting!  He's acting!  (as stretcher comes out onto ground)  Get up, ya great nancy!  Up!  You great big soppy girl!"

(9/2  Football Crazy)

CRAZY CONCEPTS

71* Graeme (suggesting a new name for Venom bedtime drink): "Sleepy bo-boes. Then whenever anybody says 'I'm going to sleepy bo-boes...'"

Bill: "Nobody ever says 'I'm going to sleepy bo-boes!!'"

Graeme: "I do!"

Bill: "What?!"

Graeme: Every night, as soon as I brush my toothy-pegs and put on my piggy-jim-jams, I say 'I'm going to sleepy bo-boes'. Everybody does!"

(1/2 Snooze)

72* Tim (as Radio Goodies DJ): "Yes friends, that was number 1 on the Goodies hit parade, and incidentally numbers 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10 ... A Walk In The Black Forest!"

(1/7  Radio Goodies)

73* Graeme (to Tim, who is being menaced): "It's the giant bagpipes spider.  It's deadly!  Keep absolutely still.  One bite from that and you dance the Highland Fling until you drop dead!"

(2/1  Loch Ness Monster)

74* Graeme: "August Bank Holiday Island!  Where's that?"

Minister of Sport: "Between Easter Island and Christmas Island!"

(2/2  The Commonwealth Games)

75* Bill: "It is Mrs Carthorse, isn't it ?"

Mrs Carthorse: "Yes."

Bill (inquisitively): "What does your husband do ?"

Mrs Carthorse (huffily): "He keeps his distance!"

(2/11  Gender Education)

76* Dr.Petal: "Nobody loves me ... except for my pet vulture Lucretia.  She only stays with me because she knows I left her something in my will."

Bill: "What have you left her?"

Dr Petal (creepily): "Me!!"

(2/13  Double Trouble)

77* Tim: "I am going to get married."

Graeme (shocked): "What!? Who to?"

Tim: "The Honourable Lady Amanda Barrington Phipps Ponsonby Ponsonby Paddington Waterloo Charing Cross Crewe Alexandra Accrington Stanley Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick and Tich Carruthers Carruthers Smythe Junior.  Known to her friends as Big Knockers"

Graeme: "Is she pretty?"

Tim: "Pretty?  Hmph!  She's hideous!  She is Horsewoman Of The Year - more horse than woman, but then ... looks aren't everything and in her case they're nothing!  We're gonna get married and breed horses!"

Bill (incredulously): That's impossible!"

Tim: "You haven't seen her!"

(3/2  Hunting Pink)

78* Sergeant Major Bullcock: "In this school we have no sex and no smoking ... so if you could spare us a pack of fags and a dirty book, we'd be very grateful."

(3/6  Way Outward Bound)

79* Graeme (about the rocket, talking in correct space protocol by finishing each communication with a beep): "Well I don't know how the ruddy thing works, do I ? ... beep"

Tim & Bill (inside the rocket, in unison, shocked): "WHAT!! ... beep!"

Graeme "Well, you can't expect me to know everything ... beep"

Bill (annoyed): "You little creep! ... beep!"

(4/2  Invasion Of The Moon Creatures)

80* Bill: "I used to have a pet rabbit once, you know, when I was a little kid, and at no stage did he ever strap me to the couch and stick carrots in my ears!"

(4/2  Invasion Of The Moon Creatures)

81* Big Bunny: "You will return to Earth as our spokesmen.  So now you must learn the only bunny talk that humans will respect"...."watch and copy.  Say it after me.  'Nyaaah.  What's up Doc!'"

(4/2  Invasion Of The Moon Creatures)

82* Graeme (reading from the Giant's Book Of Tasty Recipes): "Shepherds pie. First peel two shepherds ..."

(Special – The Goodies And The Beanstalk)

83* Bill (in pain, after reaching into their new pet dog Rover's long hair): "It bit me!"

Tim: "Can't have, that's the wrong end!"

(5/5  Frankenfido)

84* (the Welsh Rugby team are singing a song about "four and twenty virgins")

Bill (horrified): "Please, please, please ... (covers Tim's ears) ... that song ... honestly ... it's not holy!"

Reverend (indignantly): "Not holy!  It's about flippin' virgins, isn't it?  You can't get much holier than that!"

(5/4  Wacky Wales)

85* Graeme (putting a dog into the breeding basket, which contains an elephant): "Here you are darling, in you go.  Close your eyes and think of Crufts!"

(5/5  Frankenfido)

86* Bill (laughs): "God blimey, how about Stonehenge?!  What a waste of money that was.  Two thousand years it's stood there ... still doesn't fly!"

(5/9  Rome Antics)

87* The kinky Roman Emperor (after one of his countrymen has thrown a carrot at him): "Who threw that?!  Was that you?  Cheeky!" (… and later after catching a zucchini) "Was that you again?  Was it?!  (chuckles)  Like it!"

(5/9  Rome Antics)

88* Bill (enthusiastically): "I'm gonna write music ... music from my heart, music that's in my blood, gut music, music you can feel in your intestines, sounds that grab your giblets, rhythm that sends you tapping your bowels, swinging your pancreas, bursting your bladder!!"

Graeme (revolted): "I'm gonna be sick!"

Bill: "Just wait 'til you hear the music!"

(6/2  Hype Pressure)

89* Tim (on the fate of Graeme in the year 2001 and a bit): "I'm afraid he went a couple of years later.  He was put away for having an unnatural relationship with his computer!"

(6/6  2001 And A Bit)

90* Tim (reading out the revised scouting badges): "Or you can go for your Wig Spotters badge ...(incredulously)  WIG SPOTTERS?!"

(and a little later …)

Bill (enthusiastically): "I'm going for my Cheering Up Lonely Young Housewives Whose Husbands Are Away At Work badge!"

(7/3  Scoutrageous)

91* Park Warden (announcing into megaphone): "All right, you druids.  Time's up.  Druids off.  Have you druids got no homes to go to?!  It's flasher's hour as from now, 9 o'clock.  Come on you flashers, let's have you!"

(8/2  U-Friend Or UFO)

92* Graeme: "Ah, but have you got any real proof (of Arthur C.Clarke's existence) - footprints, close encounters, droppings?!"

Tim (frustrated): "Typical scientific narrow mindedness.  Just because I can't produce a little heap of 'naughty Arthur' on a shovel!"

(9/3  Bigfoot)

WISE WORDS

93* Tim (telling Bill not to rescue Graeme - to sad violin music): "No Bill, the friend we once knew is gone.  That ... creature out there sinking in the ocean is something else.  The hapless victim of his own terrible thirst for power.  Let him go.  He ... would have wanted it ... this way."  (respectful pause)

Bill (scornfully): "No he bloody wouldn't!!"

(1/7  Radio Goodies)

94* Tim (trying to find out who the Music Master really is): "I have a little trick up my sleeve that sometimes works"  (turns to Music Master)  "Who are you ?!"

Music Master: "M.J.Congleton.  17 Acacia Ville ... heh heh heh, oh no!  You can't trick me as easily as that!"

(2/5  The Music Lovers)

95* Bill (to an outraged Mrs Carthorse): "Shoosh, shoosh, come here, c'mon, come a bit closer, c'mon ... Knickers!"

Mrs Carthorse: "Oooooh!" (collapses in shock)

Tim (shocked): "You've killed her!"

Bill (dismissively): "Yes, good!!"

(2/11  Gender Education)

96* (Tim and Bill are chanting "What a load of rubbish!" after watching Ken Russell's film)

Graeme (pretentiously):  "No, no, no.  Didn't you feel that it had a certain surreal symbolistic quality, just captivating the very futility of life, death, indeed the very existence of God himself, indeed reflected in the microcosm, didn't you feel?"

Bill (slightly taken aback): "Load of old cobblers!"

Graeme (fiendishly): "Certainly!"

(5/1  The Movies)

97* Bill (disgusted at the thought of going to Australia in search of Rolf Harris):

"Nah, not Australia.  I mean, that's full of abos and dingoes and upside-down jokes."

Tim: "Shhh Bill, we must prepare for the trip.  Look out half a dozen jumbucks, pack two, no three coolibahs in the tuckerbag.  Graeme you'd better go and whack the diddle-o while I ... press a clean pair of billabongs.  Now ... Awstrailya ... heeere we come!"

(followed by Bill almost cracking up with laughter!)

(5/6  Scatty Safari)

98* Graeme: "And I shan't even allude..."

Tim: "Allude not!"

Graeme: " To my wee cousin Hamish who has a black sporran in the Scottish martial art of Hoots Toots Och Aye The Noo!"

(5/7  Kung Fu Kapers)

99* Grand Master of Ecky Thump's wise saying: "There's nowt wrong wi' owt what mitherin' clutterbucks don't barley grummit!"

(5/7  Kung Fu Kapers)

100* Bill (drunkenly trying to burp): "Won't come!"

Tim: (full as a boot too): "Have another swig of this.  That'll bring it up."

Bill (takes a swig): "Oooh that's horrible!  What is it?"

Tim: "Turps!  Turps for burps!"  (sings with Bill)  "Please release me, let me go!"

(monster burp from Bill)

Tim (delighted): "Thar she blows!  That's my boy!  Nobody light a match!"

(5/13  The End)

101* Graeme (to Tim on phone): "G'day sport, what can I do ya for?! ... This is not a funny voice, I'm talkin' Australian.  That's right, you are speaking to Kerry Thwacker. ... Yes, Kerry Thwacker, sports-mad international.  No, no, Mr Garden would do a much sillier voice than this!"  (demonstrates)  "Whack the diddle-o blue!  Pull up a jumbuck and take the weight off ya billabongs!"

(8/3  A Kick In The Arts)