TEMPTING TARGETS
1* Tim (picking up phone): "I'm going to make a complaint to the very highest authority."
Graeme (shocked): "Not ..."
Bill (also shocked): "... David Frost!"
Tim : "No, not that high ... no ... no ...!"
(2/3 Pollution)
2* Music Master: "I used to produce records like this" (holds up a tiny circle of plastic) "The Best Of Rolf Harris".
Tim: "But ... but there's nothing on it!"
Music Master: "True!"
(2/5 The Music Lovers)
3* Music Master: "You've failed. Take them to the cells. You know what to do."
Gerald (shocked): "No, not dat boss!"
Music Master: "Yes, that!"
Goodies: "What ?"
Tim (worried): "They're going to kill us!
Music Master: "Oh no, something much worse! You're going to be locked up in a cell with ... Rolf Harris!"
('Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport' music)
Goodies (pleading): "No, kill us, kill us....!!"
(2/5 The Music Lovers)
4* Tim (to the Americans): "Too many times you've taken too much from us. London Bridge ... the Queen Mary ... Julie Andrews and David Frost. And we're grateful!"
(2/6 Antiques)
5* Witch Hazel: "What I need is to re-establish contact with the living dead. I need to be put in touch with those lost souls on the other side."
Tim: "Say no more." (picks up phone) "Thames Television please!"
(3/4 That Old Black Magic)
6* Tim: "So tomorrow night when the owls do hoot and the moon is full, we must journey to the abode of the living dead"
Bill: "Aw, we're not going to Bognor again, are we?!"
(3/4 That Old Black Magic)
7* Isobel Chintz (to Bill) "Tonight you're gonna perform the big showstopping, amazingly tasteless number on Top Of The Pops. Oh kid, when Tony Blackburn sees you, he's gonna drop dead from embarrassment"
Graeme "Oh well, at least some good will come of it!"
(Special – Superstar)
8* Graeme (spruiking his magic medicine elixir): "My friends, this here bottle contains a guaranteed all-purpose remedy for prostration, inflation and frustration ... pneumonia and old monia ... distemper, dat temper and bad temper ... sunburn, heartburn ... and Tony Blackburn!"
(to much hootin', hollerin' and hat throwin'!)
(4/3 Hospital For Hire)
9* (Tim wants to sack all of the British movie directors)
Bill: "It's just old Ken (Russell). He did do The Boyfriend with Twiggy and the dancing - that was nice."
Tim [dismayed]: "He also had Oliver Reed burned to death!"
Bill [keenly]: "Yeah, so he can't be all bad, can he?!"
(5/1 Movies)
10* Graeme (putting Frankenfido together): "Look. Teeth. You wouldn't find teeth like these on a mere dog."
Tim: "What are they? Horse, alligator, tiger ..."
Graeme (opens box to reveal glittering diamond-studded choppers): "Look at them."
Tim (shocked): "No! Not Donny Osmond!"
Graeme: "Yep."
Tim (in horrified indignation): "You ... you've been using people! ... And Donny Osmond!!"
(5/5 Frankenfido)
11* Tim (feeding Tony Blackburn at the Star Safari Park): "There's a good boy. Nice din-dins for Tonykins!"
Bill (to Graeme, scornfully): "Honestly! The way he talks to him, you'd think he was human!"
(5/6 Scatty Safari)
12* Tim (annoyed at declining visitor numbers after Tony is shot): "Stuff Tony Blackburn!"
Bill (excitedly): "That's an idea!"
Tim: "No, the visitors would notice."
Bill: "No they wouldn't. Hardly any difference!"
(5/6 Scatty Safari)
13* Eurovision Raving Loony Contest host, Katie Pimple (cheerfully): "For those of you who haven't read the Radio Times, ... and let's face it, who the hell does ...!"
(5/10 Cunning Stunts)
14* Graeme (about the Eskimo fishermen): "They're still out there. How are we going to scare them off?"
Bill: "Er ... Nicholas Parsons masks?!" (holds up mask)
Graeme (scornfully): "Nicholas Parsons masks don't scare any ... (catches sight of mask) AAARRRGGH!"
Tim (also startled): "Ohhhh! That might frighten us, but it won't work on the Eskimos. Our Nicholas is very big on Eskimo television. Does Whale Of The Century - they love him!"
Graeme (appalled): "Love him?! Good God, we're dealing with savages!!"
(and a little later …)
* Bill (waving a Nicholas Parsons mask at the goldfish tank, simulating Nicholas during program interludes): "Slime, slime, grease, grease! Slime, slime, patronise, patronise!!"
(6/1 Lips, or Almighty Cod)
15* Graeme (about the World Domination scouting badge) "There's only three people that have those. That was Alexander The Great, Julius Caesar and David Frost. Mind you, Frosty pinched his!"
(7/3 Scoutrageous)
16* The Queen (about Rolf Harris at the Royal Command performance): "Off with his didgeridoo!!"
(7/5 Royal Command)
17* Bill (regarding Rod Stewart entering Disco Bilius): "What, he's wearing one sock? On his what?! Oh that's pretty unusual, I'm surprised it fits actually! Still, tell you something, he's not coming in, no, no, no. He'd look absolutely ridiculous, dancing with a sock on his nose!"
(8/2 Saturday Night Grease)
