Index

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» Tempting Targets
» Loony Logic
» Wacky Wordplay
» Ratty Rants
» Crazy Concepts
» Wise Words
» All Quotes

LOONY LOGIC

18* Graeme (examining where the letter to the GPO has been): "London, Belfast, Manchester, Edinburgh, Hong Kong  ... oh come on, it can't have been to Edinburgh!"

(1/7  Radio Goodies)

19* Graeme: "This is my latest and most ambitious plan so far, the most daring stroke in the history of human endeavour.  (points to diagram)  These are giant hydraulic jacks spanning the channel, this is the Navy and the QEII.  Teams of miners will tunnel underground from east to west, and then … then comes the big push!"

Bill (bemused): "What's it for?"

Graeme: "I intend to tow the whole of Great Britain outside the five mile limit!  Then I shall take over as leader of a pirate state."

(1/7  Radio Goodies)

20* Graeme (suspiciously): "Wait a minute.  Wait a minute.  Are you sure you're virgins?"

Tim & Bill (dressed as virgins in white robes and wigs): "Yes, sir."

Graeme: (looking at Bill) "But she's got a beard!"

Tim: "That's why she's a virgin!"

Graeme: "Fair enough!"

(3/4  That Old Black Magic)

21* Tim: "You've painted everything black and white!"

Bill: "Certainly.  I'm making a black and white film."

Tim: "Don't be ridiculous!"

Bill: "This is a hard job.  God blimey!  No wonder they went over to colour!"

(and a little later …)

Bill:  "You underestimate us silent comics, you, mate.  Buster Keaton … Buster Keaton, he must have spent three weeks painting the whole town black and white, right?  Then a ruddy great building falls on him and he doesn't make a sound.  No.  Not even so much as a 'My God, that was close!'"

(5/1  The Movies)

22* Roman Emperor:  "Why didn't you book the Christians?  It's a good family show!"

Tim: " They're not doing it anymore.  They said they got fed up with being thrown to the lions, so now thanks to you they've all got much better jobs as fruitgrowers.  And what's more, there are no gladiators left because they've all been eaten by the lions who were hungry because there were no Christians, and before you ask there are no lions left because they've been eaten by the Christians who have got sick of the sight of fruit!"

(5/9  Rome Antics)

23* Tim: "Perhaps we could frighten them by broadcasting messages to them in their own language. If only we had an Eskimo phrase book ... ah, here's one!"

(6/1  Lips, or Almighty Cod)

24* Graeme (about his building plans): "That's the whole point, you fool.  Look, do you realise that the rent on that place is going to be 4000 pounds per square foot.  And that's per minute!"

Bill: "Nobody can afford that, can they!"

Graeme: "Well of course they can't, so there's no point wasting money putting doors and windows in, is there!?  Goodness me!  As a matter of fact, there's no rooms in there either and that's so the squatters can't move in ... I've thought of everything!"

(5/13  The End)

25* Tim (checking wine bottle): "Hang about, what's that?"

(points to 'arsenic' label on bottle)

Graeme (sniffs bottle): "The characteristic smell of bitter almonds."

Bill: "Isn't that cyanide?"

Graeme: "Precisely.  This arsenic has been poisoned!"

(6/3  Daylight Robbery On The Orient Express)

26* Tim (incredulously, reading Graeme's ad): "Look at this.  Nine out of every ten doctors agree that people who don't eat Sunbeam sliced bread will get squashed by elephants!"

Graeme: "That's right.  Mind you, it did take us a long time to find the right nine doctors, woo hoo, hoo (makes loony signal) ... and the elephants!"

(6/5  It Might As Well Be String)

27* Graeme (treating Tim for his belly button phobia): "Then there's aversion therapy, but I dunno, I've been put off that!"

(7/6  Earthanasia)