RATTY RANTS

53* Graeme (barrelling Tim): "I'll tell you why you closed it (the post office) down.  Because you're an ineffectual, petty, interfering, unimaginative, useless little lackey! WHAT ARE YOU?!"

Tim (scared witless): "I - I - I'm an ineffectual, intellectual ..."

Graeme (enraged): "THAT'S NO EXCUSE!" ... "How can I create a new world when I'm surrounded by fools?!"

Tim & Bill (both panicking):  "He's flipped, he's flipped, he's gone, now he's completely gone!"

(1/7  Radio Goodies)

54* Graeme (to Radio Goodies audience): "This is your leader speaking.  Here is an important announcement.  It has been put about by back-sliding revisionary paper hyenas that the Goodies Pirate Post Office is closing down.  This ... is a lie! (thumps desk)  Our glorious post office gallantly continues to function.  We will get your letters through!  These are dark days and the storm clouds gather around us.  But never fear!  I pledge that I, your leader, will see you safely through to a better world!  ... And now ... (reaches for record player)  A Walk In The Black Forest!"

(1/7  Radio Goodies)

55* Graeme (power-crazed): "Today the post office. Tomorrow ... the world!"

(followed by a mad stare and fiendish eye-rolling!)

(1/7  Radio Goodies)

56* Tim & Bill (in unison): "You're a megalomaniac,  you're a megalomaniac!"

Graeme (jumping up and down in the boat): "I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!!

(1/7  Radio Goodies)

57* Music Master (about his "surefire hit" records like the Julie Andrews Album Of Rugby Songs): "They're the only records you can buy.  I've cornered the market.  They're mine, I tell you!  Mine, mine, all mine !!!"

Graeme: (horrified) "You're a loony!"

Music Master (distinctly pleased): "Eh thank you!"

(2/5  The Music Lovers)

58* TV Presenter (describing the Goodies gender education film): "Obscene, dirty, squalid, scabrous, salacious, lewd, randy, rude, outrageous, lubricious ... and a bit off!"

(2/11  Gender Education)

59* Radio Announcer: "BBC Radio have banned all Top 20 records on the grounds of offensive language and bad taste ... eeeewwhh ... nasty, disgusting filth made by spotty weirdos who should be lined up against the wall and have their hair cut! ... and that's that!  And now in place of Pick Of The Pops, we shall be joining Radio 3 for a performance of Valdoni's opera 'Il Borrolio De Minisculi' ... the disembowelling of a dwarf!"

(Special – Superstar)

60* Tim (in patriotic speech mode): "Good old John Bull will never bow down to these greasy wops, frogs, krauts and Luxembourgians!" ...... "We shall beat these cocky foreigners - them and their garlic bicycles!"

(to bemused looks from Bill and Graeme)

(4/6  The Race)

61* Reverend Llewellyn (after Bill has told him that there is no booze left at the Reverend's decrepit bar):

"Booze?!  So it's booze you're wanting, is it?!" … "Well you'll get none of the devil's brew here."

Tim: "Excuse me, any chance of a nice hot cup of tea?"

Reverend Llewellyn (getting annoyed) : "Ah so it's tea now, is it?  Tea is a foul potion of the orient, a stimulator of the flesh, an inflamer of the senses …

Bill (disgusted):  "God blimey, I bet nobody ever comes in this place, do they?"

Reverend Llewellyn: "Certainly not.  Oh we're righteous people, right enough.  You'll catch none of us committing one of the 9764 deadly sins!  Regrettably though we are a dying race.  There is not many of us left."

Graeme: (chuckles) "Pretty low birthrate, I should think."

Reverend Llewellyn (horrified):  Birthrate?!  You mean babies?!  We have none of that sinful wickedness here!"

Tim (innocently): "Do you have sandwiches?"

Reverend Llewellyn (agitated): "Sandwiches?!  You mean food?!  We allow no voluptuous indulgences of the carnal appetites.  Where does eating get you, eh?  You'll be wanting lavatories next!"

Bill (indignantly): "Oi, don't tell me you haven't got any lavatories!"

Reverend Llewellyn (still agitated): "Temples of Beelzebub!  The open door to hellfire and brimstone!  The hot seat!"

Bill (bluntly): "No wonder you're a dying race.  I suspect you're all dying for a ...!"

Tim (hastily): "Shh Bill!!

(5/4  Wacky Wales)

62* Bill (annoyed): "Everything is round in a lighthouse, look at it.  The room, carpet, chairs, windows, all round, I can't stand it much longer.  Five years, I've been here five minutes and I've had enough.  It's round, it's round, it's round, it's round, it's all round!"

Tim: "Well put on a record then."

Bill: "It's round!" [smashes record]

Tim: "All right, I'll give you a game of chess."

Bill: "Round!" [throws chessboard away in disgust]

Tim (frustrated): "Here's your supper, and stop moaning."

Bill (ranting): "Look at this!  Hamburgers … round, peas and carrots … round, the plate … a round plate!  What about this, look at that tray.  Do you know what shape the tray is? The shape of the tray is round.  [flings it away]  The table, now let me guess, let me guess … don't tell me!  I bet it's round, I bet it's … ooh what a surprise!  It's round, round, round! [thumps table]

Tim: "Well you can't complain about this – your favourite pudding, lemon meringue pie."

Bill (suspiciously): "What shape's that?

Tim (unconvincingly): "Square"

Bill: "No it isn't.  It's round!"

Tim: (slightly more convincingly) "It's squarish"

Bill (crankily): It is not, it's round, give me that!  It's round, isn't it, and it's going right into your round face.

(as he starts chasing after Tim, holding the pie aloft)

(5/8  Lighthouse Keeping Loonies)

63* Tourist Officer (to Tim, angrily): "Hey you!  It's all your fault.  You made it look as if South Africa were full of black people."

Bill: "Worse than that, it looked as though it were full of black and white minstrels!" (laughs)

Tourist Officer (grabs Bill by the jacket menacingly): "In South Africa we have white and white minstrels!"

(5/11  South Africa)

64* Tim (trying to annoy goldfish): "You stupid fish.  You're nothing but a fish, you fish!  You're all the same, you rotten lousy fish.  You're stupid, what are ya?  You're stew-pid!  When was the last time a fish was Prime Minister, hey?  Name me one fish with a degree in economics and philosophy - just one!  Has Prince Charles' name ever been romantically linked with a FISH?!  Hmmm?!"

(6/1  Lips, or Almighty Cod)

65* Tim (about water being far too sexy): "Yes, mention water and what's the first thing that springs to mind, hey?  A nubile young nymphette in a wet shirt, the damp, almost transparent fabric clinging to her every contour, rivulets of water trickling down her sensuous form!  (composes himself)  At least that's what springs to my mind!"

(6/5  It Might As Well Be String)

66* Bill (getting cross with his pet dodo): "How a greedy, obnoxious, bad-tempered, filthy berk of a bird with bad breath, B.O. and a beak like a battleship ever lasted ten seconds on this planet absolutely beats me!"

(7/2  Dodonuts)

67* Tim (joyfully, to his new friend, the mouse): "Really little mouse?  You really think I look like an ugly old cow?!  Really? I'm so ugly that when I come into the room, you mice jump onto a chair! Really? I'm the ugliest thing you've ever seen in the whole ... (changes his tune) the whole of your life?!  CHEEKY BLOODY MOUSE!! 

(whacks it angrily with his broom!)

(7/4  Punky Business)

68* Tim (in a mad panic upon finding out that the end of the world is nigh): "Where are my shiny shoes?!  I want to die with my shiny shoes on!  I'm a teapot!  I'm a teapot ...!"

(7/6  Earthanasia)

69* Bill (lifts Tim's shirt):"Behold, the belly button"

(this reveals a triangular-shaped patch covering Tim's belly button)

Graeme (stunned): "And what is that?"

Tim (embarrassed): "It's an A-string"

Graeme (demandingly): "And WHAT is an A-string?!"

Tim: "It's a G-string, but a little higher up!"

(7/6  Earthanasia)

70* Bill (chanting as a soccer hooligan): "What a load of rubbish!  What a load of rubbish!" ... "The referee's a fairy!  The referee's a fairy!" ...(then yelling at a player after he is felled in a tackle) ... "Get up, ya great nancy!  Get up!  He's not hurt!  You great big poof!  You girl!  Get up!  (player is lying on the ground being examined by trainers)  Faking, faking, he's faking!  Get up!  Time wasting!  He's acting!  (as stretcher comes out onto ground)  Get up, ya great nancy!  Up!  You great big soppy girl!"

(9/2  Football Crazy)