The Official Goodies Rule - OK! Fan Club Website

The Goodies conduct guided tours of their Star Safari Park (where "a unique experience awaits the traveller") in which tourists have the opportunity to observe a multitude of celebrities in "Mother Nature's wonderland." Along the way, the tourists are able to merrily click their cameras at wondrous creatures like Steptoe and Son, Liberace (who is crash-tackled by a gang of TV interviewers), Dick Emery, Tommy Cooper, Morecombe & Wise (who are engaged in a no-holds-barred wrestle with Mike & Bernie Winters) , Jimmy Savile and Monty Python's Gumbies, among many others.

Back at the stables afterwards, Bill initially enjoys tending to the stars ("Down, down, get off! Oh my God, Eartha Kitt's a bit frisky this morning …I'm happy to say!") but soon finds it all a bit too much hard work; especially after he feeds Oliver Reed (by calling "Ollie, up you come! Beg!" and heaving a bucket of slops into his stable) and throws a bucket of water at Little Jimmy Osmond to shut him up. Graeme in turn marches in and loudly complains "I'm knackered!" after he has performed the unenviable task of "mucking out Basil Brush! Never again …!"

Bill is even more mortified when Tim takes a fancy supper to the park's number one attraction - Tony Blackburn - however Tim soon emerges from the stable in a very upset state, blubbering that all is not well with Tony (as Bill rubs his hands together with glee and callously chirps "Ah, he won't want his supper then, will he?!") and Graeme confirms that their star exhibit is fading fast. Bill bluntly declares "Don't worry, he was a bit past it really, wasn't he?" … "Yeah he's getting on a bit y'know. I mean, you count his teeth! Be honest, he's got hundreds!" as Graeme humanely fetches a rifle, but is stopped by Tim, who insists that it's his duty to put Blackburn out of his misery because "he knows me, he trusts me, I must be the one to do it."

Unfortunately Tim can't muster sufficient courage to fire the fatal shot himself, and then scares the hell out of Bill and Graeme (who have their ears covered awaiting the bang!) when he re-emerges, shrieking: "I couldn't do it! Those big brown eyes looking up at me. I swear he could understand every word I said. I just couldn't do it!". Bill enthusiastically offers to have a go instead, but Tim comes to the conclusion that Tony isn't sick after all; merely "pining for his freedom" and the call of the wild, so the Goodies decide to release him instead.

The crate containing Tony is transported to an open meadow on the roof of the Star Safari Park van (then less-than-carefully heaved onto the ground upside down!) as Tony emerges and rubs his eyes from the glare of the sunlight before running in epic fashion across the meadow to his freedom (accompanied by the theme music of 'Black Beauty') upon the urging of the Goodies. In the middle of the meadow and free at last, Tony pauses and waves goodbye, but sadly his freedom doesn't last for long as he is brutally cut down with a shotgun blast from a big game hunter; who pauses, grunts with approval, marks a notch on his gun and gruffly declares: "And now for Jimmy Young!"

Tim sheds bucketfuls of tears after Tony's demise (not in sympathy for Tony, but because the Safari Park isn't making any money without a big star!) and various ideas for a new star are rapidly dismissed; including Graeme's introduction of "John Wayne" (who turns out to merely be "Ronnie Corbett in a big hat"), a plan to trap Max Bygraves when the audience members are all asleep at one of his concerts (Tim: "No, we tried that with Des O'Connor and look what happened." Bill: "Yeah, we dropped off!") and Bill's fixation with the "tatty go-go dancer" Doris Newbold ("She's a great little mover!" Tim: "Yeah, she's a great mover. She works for Pickfords!")

However Graeme soon comes up with the bright idea of a celebrity who would make the perfect new star attraction and he plays a guessing game with the others ("Australian." "Frank Ifield?" "Wears glasses" "You?" "Big black beard" "Doris Newbold!") until they finally manage to work it out (well, almost, as Tim & Bill echo in unison: "Ahh. Rolf Plaster Of Harris!", only for Graeme to tick them off). Bill looks up Rolf's details in the 'Observers Book of Stars' ("Harris … Anita, Chopper, Richard, Rolf … here we are!") and finds the description of "An occasional visitor, characteristic cry of 'I'm an all-round entertainer. Gregarious, often found with the young generation. Number of legs ... variable! Unmistakeable black plumage on chin, natural habitat Australia" Bill is appalled at the thought of travelling all the way to Australia to capture him, but Tim is keen to go (and his hilarious attempt at an Aussie accent cracks Bill up in the background!) so the Goodies are soon off to capture Rolf as their new prize exhibit.

The Goodies arrive in Australia (which has a view of the Sydney Harbour Bridge labelled as 'Earls Court'!) and after a visit to the 'Poms Outfitters' (from which they emerge in tennis outfits) they flee the streets of Sydney after an encounter with the feral "Germaines" (who use their handbags to batter the "male chauvinist" tourists into submission!) and head for the Aussie outback after a positive sighting of Rolf has been confirmed in the local newspaper. Once there, the Goodies pursue the huffing, puffing Rolf across the plains in the back of a ute and although the ute crashes into a tree (sending a shower of cranky koalas dropping onto Graeme!), they manage to keep Rolf in their sights. When finally close enough, Graeme maintains enough doctoral discipline to jump out of the ute and apply a medical swab to Rolf's arm, only to leap back into the ute again and shoot Rolf in the bum with a tranquilliser dart instead!

Upon their return to England, the Goodies put more coal on the fire in their office to recreate the atmosphere of a hot Australian summer for the captive Rolf (as well as quelling his incessant panting with "a tube of lager" and reading Richie Benaud's autobiography to him!) This comes after a 'Pick A Box' - style argument between Tim, who wants to "open the box" (and keep Rolf at the Star Safari Park) and Bill, who wants to "take the money" (and flog Rolf straight off to Lew Grade!), but the dispute is quickly settled when the box is opened and Rolf's crooning of "Two Little Boys" has Tim frantically roaring "Close the box!" instead. Graeme remarks that "He doesn't sound very well, does he?", to which Bill scornfully replies "Never sounded any better!" and Graeme's plea of "We've just got to make Rolf feel wanted and loved." also draws a flat refusal of "No chance!" from Bill.

Graeme tells the others that "there used to be thousands of (Rolfs) roaming around in Australia" (a "sickening" thought, according to Tim!) and being keen to establish a breeding program, he has also ordered the only other Rolf Harris in captivity from the Moscow Zoo. The Russian Rolf duly arrives by courier (roughly packaged in a hessian sack) and is promptly shepherded by Bill and Tim into the crate containing Aussie Rolf. Tim notes "He's a bit frisky, isn't he?!", to which Graeme says "All the better. This could be the first in captivity!" and a gobsmacked Bill splutters "What, you mean him and that are gonna … (pumps fist) cor wallop!"

After a year's wait, the first baby Rolf Harris is bred in captivity and Tim's 'Pathe News'-style voiceover narrates the excitement of the "red letter day at the Goodies Star Safari Park" as huge crowds flock to see baby Rolf's first public appearance. This takes a while as Little Rolf initially refuses to come out of his kennel despite the best efforts of his three keepers (with no assistance from his two indifferent parents), but finally though, it's "Hello, I recognise that face" as he emerges and after being almost knocked out by a flying can of lager from Bill, "he's certainly full of fun … and don't the kids love him!" Little Rolf gets the brush-off from his sleep-deprived Dad but proves to be a lively handful for the Goodies to contend with; only pausing to pick up "a great big tin of paint just like Daddy's" and proceed to tip it all over his head ("Oh dear, never mind, he'll learn!"), with baby and adult Rolfs and all three Goodies eventually collapsing in a worn-out heap together

The arrival of Little Rolf brings millions of visitors to the Star Safari Park; although hardly any of them ever see him, as Bill has nailed the youngster's feet to the floor of the kennel so that people have to make multiple visits in the hope of finally spotting him. Bill is also shamelessly selling all sorts of Little Rolf souvenirs, such as "We Have Seen Little Rolf" stick-on badges, plastic Little Rolf breakfast cereal ("with a free cornflake in every packet!"), cuddly Little Rolf toys (about which an indignant Tim shrieks "Those are just leftover Chi-Chis!") and a "walking, talking Little Rolf dolly" that chatters "Tie Me Kangaroo Down Mama" (until it falls off the table and loses its head!) before the popularity bubble bursts, which an appalled Tim describes as "blatant exploitation".

The bubble finally bursts in a big way with the escape of both adult Rolf Harrises and the baby after being let out by other exhibits (chiefly Des O'Connor) who were getting jealous of the lack of attention. Graeme tries to report the escape to Tim and Bill, but is so panic-stricken that he is unable to talk and his charades are interpreted as "Tie ... me ... kangaroo ... down ... tennis!" Not only do the Rolfs move like greased lightning, they also breed at a similar rate, having once covered Australia before the white man all but exterminated them (as their beards made excellent hat decorations and lavatory brushes, according to Graeme!)

Within another short year, the Goodies are going mad from the constant drone of wobbleboards being played by the three hundred Rolf Harrises in their window box. Worse still, the plague of six million Rolfs that infest Britain have even taken over the BBC programming department (" … and highlights of the Rolf Harris Cup match between Rolf Ham United and Crystal Harris.") and Graeme's computer calculates that there will be 25 million Rolfs by Christmas (Tim: "That's exactly what Enoch (Powell) says. He's off to live in Jamaica!"), which prompts an urgent proclamation from a certain anonymous Queen that "whomsoever can rid my land of this plague of Rolf Harrises, I will give the hand of my eldest son in marriage … and 1000 OBEs!":

Such a reward is enough to inspire the Goodies, and they come up with a way to remove the plague of Rolfs; which have been shown creating havoc everywhere by spitting soup at a cook, laying an egg in a man's Sunday hat (then breaking the egg on his head), fighting dogs and cats and painting the ladies' dresses black (as well as doing rotten paintings all over the walls along the street). The irresistible didgeridoo playing of 'Waltzing Matilda' by the three lairily dressed Pied Pipers is enough to make the Rolfs come tumbling by the dozens from prams, doorways and other hiding places and one-by-one they are merrily lured away from Britain. "And when they reached the other side (the ATV studio!) a wondrous portal opened wide" and the millions of Rolfs are never heard of again. All except one who is lame – "Jake The Peg with his extra leg" (who is stuck alone outside the studio when the roller door slams shut ahead of him!) The grateful anonymous Queen keeps her promise, and the blushing bride Tim weds charming Prince Charles, with tearful attendants Graeme and Bill weighed down with the 1000 OBE's in the background.

CLASSIC QUOTES

* Tim (bossily): "Go and give Raquel Welsh a rubdown, will you?"

Bill (grumbling): "Work, work, work, work, work!"

* Bill (mortified at Tim giving a fancy meal to the star attraction): "Good grief! Here I am ravenous and you're giving that lot to Tony Blackburn?!"

Tim: "It's Tony the visitors come to see. He deserves a little luxury. (walks into Blackburn's stable) There's a good boy. Nice din-dins for Tonykins!"

Bill (scornfully, to Graeme): "Honestly! The way he talks to him, you'd think he was human!"

* Bill (consoling Tim after Tony has been shot): "I know you miss him, but you see, Tony's happy now. He's up there romping merrily in that great Radio 1 club in the sky."

Tim: "Oh I don't care about him anymore, it's just that without a big star we're not going to make any more money. (annoyed tone) Stuff Tony Blackburn!"

Bill (excitedly): "That's an idea!"

Tim: "No, the visitors would notice."

Bill: "No they wouldn't. Hardly any difference!"

* Bill (excited at the prospect of making Doris Newbold their new star attraction): "She dances topless!"

Tim (dismissively): "Doris Newbold is topless! On cabaret night, they give you a pint of beer and a free magnifying glass!"

* Tim (reading about Rolf Harris from the Book of Stars): "Number of legs ... variable!"

* Bill (appalled at the idea of travelling to Australia to capture Rolf): "Nah, not Australia. I mean, that's full of abos and dingoes and upside-down jokes."

Tim (bossily): "Shhh Bill, we must prepare for the trip. Look out half a dozen jumbucks, pack two, no three coolibahs in the tuckerbag. Graeme you'd better go and whack the diddle-o while I ... press a clean pair of billabongs. Now ... Awstrailya ... heeere we come!" (followed by Bill almost cracking up with laughter!)

* Tim (demandingly, regarding who is responsible for letting the fast-moving (and fast-breeding) Rolfs out of their enclosure): "Who did it?!"

Graeme: "Well some of the other exhibits were getting a bit jealous about the lack of attention …"

Tim (again firmly): "Who was it?!"

Bill: "I know, Des O'Connor?"

Graeme (concerned): "Yes it was, but you're not to get mad …"

Bill (annoyed): "All right, I'm gonna fix Des. I'm gonna put him in with Morecambe and Wise" (followed by a fiendish chuckle).

Graeme (even more annoyed): "You do and you clean it up yourself!"

* Graeme (about the plague of Rolfs infesting Britain): "We never learn. It was like this when they introduced grey squirrels".

Tim (semi-sarcastically): "Grey squirrels don't play wobbleboards!"

Bill (chiming in): "No, and they don't do rotten paintings all over everything either!" … "They're just like lemmings really, aren't they, only they don't self-destruct!"

The Queen (making an urgent proclamation): "Good evening. I'm sure that you are all well aware … as indeed my husband and I are also aware … that the whole country has been overrun by a plague of Rolf Harrises. My government and I have tried everything within our power to stop this plague spreading, but to be honest, we are flummoxed. And so I am making this proclamation. (Blows clarion horn and then exhales loudly) To whomsoever can rid my land of this plague of Rolf Harrises, I will give the hand of my eldest son in marriage … and 1000 OBEs!"

Tim (boldly): "Say no more, Your Majesty. We shall do it!"

The Queen (on television, surprised): "Who are you?!"

Tim (proudly): "The Goodies!"

The Queen (scornfully): "Ohh! Gordon Bennett!!"

CLASSIC SCENES

* The tour of the Goodies Star Safari Park, with a bunch of tourists madly clicking cameras at the various exhibits; including Liberace loping along with candelabra in hand only to being hunted down by a media pack including David Frost and Michael Parkinson (who have "got the scent of a celebrity"), Jimmy Savile swinging Tarzan-like from a tree (while hollering "Ow's about that then!"), the "sad sight" of Engelbert Humperdinck being felled with an axe, Danny La Rue as a gaudy bird of paradise at the roadside, Graeme almost being thrown from the vehicle as it has to brake sharply to avoid hitting a herd of wandering Gumbies, and the Black and White Minstrels leaping all over the bonnet in monkey-like fashion as "Mary Poppins sinks slowly in the west" (eventually landing over the horizon with a shattering crash.)

* The crate containing Tony Blackburn being carefully lined up as it is unloaded from the roof of the vehicle (only to be unceremoniously heaved onto the ground upside down in the end!) and Tony running stylishly across the meadow to his freedom (to the tune of 'Black Beauty', with Tim in tears at the spectacle) and waving goodbye, before being brutally cut down with a shotgun blast from a hunter who is seeking Jimmy Young as his next target.

* The Goodies visit to Australia; including convicts hobbling down the road in leg irons, a billboard promoting 'Wallabies wrestling in mud' at the Sydney Opera House, the Goodies emerging from the 'Poms Outfitters' with oversized tennis racquets and hats with dangling corks (and wine bottles as well in Bill's case, from which he takes a swig from one and spits the wine out in disgust), "fair dinkum" Aussie ladies (all named Germaine, after famed feminist Germaine Greer) in massive platform shoes receiving a friendly greeting from the three lads, but then accusing the Goodies of being "male chauvinist boars" and decking them with their handbags; all backed with the brilliantly jaunty 'Waltzing Matilda' instrumental music.

* The pursuit of Rolf Harris in the remarkably lush 'Aussie outback', with Tim and Graeme getting tipped out of the back of the ute when Bill takes off, the ute crashing into a tree and sending a shower of cranky 'drop bears' onto Graeme (who as usual displays great talent in making another piece of fluff appear to come to life!), and Graeme jumping out of the ute to apply a medical swab to Rolf's arm, then leaping back into the ute again and shooting Rolf in the rear with a tranquilliser dart.

* Graeme's game of charades when too panic-stricken to tell the others that the Rolf Harrises have escaped - "Tie ... me ... kangaroo ... down ... tennis" and all that!

* The Goodies receiving their rewards from the anonymous Queen, with Tim in bridal gear lovingly cuddling up to Prince Charles (who was apparently keen to actually play this role himself until stuffier heads prevailed at Buckingham Palace), and Bill and Graeme decorated from top to toe in OBE medallions weeping tears of joy.

GUEST STARS

Tony Blackburn, Sheila Steafel, David Willmott

GOODIES SONGS

Waltzing Matilda (instrumental)

MY 2 CENTS WORTH

Great episode which gives the full Goodies treatment to Rolf Harris in particular, but also Australia in general, as only they could, with the backing of a catchy instrumental version of Waltzing Matilda. Top-class comedy right through from the ridiculous concept of a Safari Park full of TV personalities to the clever 'Pied Piper of Hamlyn' sequence and Tim's Royal marriage.

BLACK PUDDING RATING