:'( :'( As happy as I am most of the time. Sometimes I can't help but wish I was close to my family. I can't really think what I did not to deserve there love. Somehow I got ostracised. I catch up with them when I get home or should that read mum makes me see them? There is no hate or malice I just don't fit. I can't figure out why.
Usually when some one is out of the family it is because they are a bad seed or something. I've never done anything particularly evil. the worst I've done is expected to be loved and respected.
I have the best friends in the entire universe so it is not is if I am alone. Yet I feel like I am missing something. Like there should have been a fight or something. I often imagine when people speak to my family and who is in it if I even rate a mention. Oh yeah I have sister! I mean I am someones sister but I don't actually know what that means. Sister. Even the word sounds odd to me.
This all came up because my brother recently moved to Kalgoorlie. My Uncle and Grandfather are going over there for something and to see him and his wife. No biggy except they have only lived there for a month and already get a visit. I have lived here for six years and the only people to visit me are my mum and dad (and uncle and aunty and cousin from otherside). My cousin on Dads side had their honeymoon in Cairns yet did not drop in to say hello.
I guess I just don't get what is so wrong with me that they can't visit me. After all I do live in paradise.
They all help each other out yet everything I have (and don't have) I have achieved myself so screw them. Both my brother and cousin got their starts in the careers through my Uncle yet i started at a supermarket. I leave university and is shame and an embarrassment yet my cousin quits and it because he does not know what he wants. Screw them.
It messes with my head though. Still trying to figure out who I am with no one for guidance. No help from my family. I rang my Uncle Wal the other day to tell him of a promotion and he asked me what I wanted. I have never asked him for anything and when I enquired as to what he meant he said I never ring. Correction!! I ring a couple of times a year for b'days, xmas and for a chat. They have never ever rang me.
I would love to know what I have done that is so bloody bad that they don't care about my health and well being. That I get to be the distant relative.
As I said it messes with my head. I mean am I imagining it? Is this real? One day I am a niece, a sister, a cousin and suddenly I live in QLD and therefore don't exist? I am I merely being paranoid?
That is the hard part. Most of the time I just let it be but it is always there. That sense of not belonging, of being cast a drift with none to just accept me for me.
I get scared for the future because all my friends have a great family. People who care and visit and ring and I have nothing. On the rare occasion I introduce someone to a member of my family I suddenly don't know how to act. My family don't know who I am, who my friends are etc and all of a sudden I am lost for words, confused by who I am.
Oh well. Such is life. Bigger fish to fry such as finding a place to live. Worst thing is all my Goodies stuff just got packed. How will I cope?
Friends are the family we choose for ourself, hon. Family is random. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're.... not. If they'd rather visit Kalgoorlie than Airlie, there may be a screw loose somewhere...