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bindy's Journal
Back to bindy's Journal
2006-09-21 03:43:55
DOWN but not OUT
My turn.  As when i get sad..aka the black dog barks..I always say 'What goes up must come down".  Happy Bels is sad and fighting of the maniac that wants to Die die die.  Of course, seeing the pain in my mums eyes once is enough.  Curses people caring about you.  I've cut the ties with all but can't cut them with mum she gave birth to me.  RESPECT.  I'm alright mum, I'm always right.  I just sick of the harsh slap life seems to deal me.

I need know sympathy.  I am my usual happy self and there will be lame jokes later.  I am merely rambling...venting...

we apologise for any inconvenience. Normal transition will commence shortly...

Homeless, demoted politely, bugger all bonus, debt ridden, lonely, hating life, die die die....

Happy, happy joy.  My friends luv me because even in adversity I am happy.  Noone sees my sadness. no one sees me struggle.  I am confident, bring me down. 

to those that know me.  Conditioning I have mastered.  I am alive.  I wonder.  I survived but am I alone.  Only 50 years to go.  I'll be right.

No responses please to this journal, I am merely venting because tomorrow I will wake up.  I'll be awake.  i'll be the class clown.  I don't cry.  I just smile.  He he happy Bel.  Nothings hard.

Dear God, I hear-by and forthwith resign from life.  I hear-by quit from my stupid, messed up, crazy unfair life.  i am aware children are starving and...hang on...someone some where just got murdered and yes yes yes...someones worse off than me but i want to be narcissistic.  "What about me it isn't fair"....

My day to day life is Job (bible book) on a bad day constantly.  I've had enough yet I keep smiling.  can someone not see the pain.  People cut me down 'cause I "APPEAR" confident.  get with the program I don't feel sorry for myself.  But 'cause you all do I cop it.  WELL I"M NOT HAPPY. so lay off. 

Whatever!  I'll be happy again after the weekend.  That is of course God, as usual dose not answer my prayers and lets me go in my sleep.

Just because I am alive doe not mean I survived.  Wake up fools, Your life is filled with regular drama.  i can't have regular drama.  i have a bubble and I can't get out.  So please, please, take advantage of my easy going nature.  I like to be punished. i like to have choices made for me. <expletive deleted> life

Whatever, please dont think I just got lost in the shell that surrounds the nut is me.  I am just really, really sick of being the fall guy.  I get it.  My life is meaningless.  The only people that will miss me and feel sad for my demise are my mum and my grand parents.  They got years left so i have to keep going.  Mark my words though.  No offense mum. but the the minute you meet your maker I am off it.  I'll be your princess but surely you realise there aint nothin' for me,  What do I have?  I make people happy 'cause I'm crazy. 

Blah.  What is "The Answer to life the universe and everything". 42.  Good versus evil.  well evil wins 'cause I am sick of fighting.

I want to wallow.  i want to fall.  i want to stop fighting.  No sadness mum but I did raise myself, i want a break.  I want perfect stillness.  No responsibility, no pressure.  Just calm. I want a holiday, I want a break, I want rest from my mind and I want justice.  I want a justice that will never come.  I want memories to be erased, I want to do it again with out conditioning. I want freedom but the choices were stolen from me. I want to be able to say No.  I want real happiness not just survival.  I want intellect to match my ego.  I want peace, I want peace.  God grant me peace.  Enough already for being strong for everybody.  I'm dying, I'm dead.  Can't I be saved or am I just a saviour.

Don't stress tomorrow I readjust the mask.  It slipped but I promise I'll be back.

Sad thing is I won;t break.  I broke once and it was the weirdest moment of my life.  Can't afford to break.  I want to break, i want someone to truly recognise the pain.  I don't want people to judge it I just want them to see it and accept it,  My pain isn't external.  It isn't  superficial it is a conditioned deep, internal self loathing bought on by someone else's  choices.  They get to make peace but i suffer a life time.  I would of made a great sibling, a daughter, a lover and mother but how do I escape?

Enough.  Next entry I will resume normality.  Please, I know, some people will want to respond to this entry but don;t.  It is merely a moment in madness.  A burn at the stake crime.  Sleep will be deep tonight, waking will be hard.  I may take tomorrow off as facing the world maybe hard.

Life is a condadrun and tonight I am the enigmatic centre

Mood - GUESS
Music - a thousand thoughts...SHUT UP
Edited - Never

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