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| bindy's Journal |
Back to bindy's Journal
| 2006-09-10 02:20:49 |
danger, danger |
 bindy |
Seriousl! Danger, back away. I make no apologises, this is rambling. Yes I ramble but tonight I seem to have moved from crazy to simply my compass is brok' I'm going that way.
Keeping up is not an option I lost me on the last bend u got no hope!!!
Commence ramblings....
I am simple. I used to be confussed and tried to please everyone in my matrical family where grandad was gm for BHP a couple of decades after it was formed, I'm the only gal and i should've been married at 20 and poppin out the chidlin's. Through this I fought to appear smart. I am simple. For all my theoligal studies (so I ccould argue with ma+pa) throught studying teacubg and hence psychology etc. I have come to the conclussion that I am simple.
Yet my friends come to me for all the answers. I give them my answers and they put me up high and go she's smart. I am simple. Emotions aside life is logical or not.
I'll trade my so called smarts (I'm a good actor) for their ability to have a family, to have children, to have peace without always fighting to proove myself.
Where did I go off track. The war raged, a tongue got peirced, the body tattoed, the rebellion raged and while I was busy fighting the family suddenly got me and loved and accepted me.
Unprepared was I. A while of peace and I suddenly realised I couldn't like these people. My family. I fought so hard in to make my own mistakes, to be a woaman in a mans world and they accepted, hell respected and understood the war I raged against them. But all though I got what I wanted. WHO AM I?
The war ended and still they could'nt bring down the berlin wall for years. That was an entire country. My war is over but whom am I? One person to bring down a wall. Who am I under this over occor, smart, independant exterior?
I scoff at my friends. Love is a chemical reaction created in the brain when two peoples phermones happen to conclide with the nose. Love and manogomy is a sociatel function to breed and go forth. Could it be that I've felt I have had to earn my love rather than been givin it?
Why is it that I can love to the poit where I am being manipulated and trampled upon yet I can't let myself be loved?
Honestly, my fight or flight rador is off. I could pack up and leave the best poeple I've know in the world in a heart beat (and have) and never or rarely speak to them again. This times different though. I am god mum. My boy needs my love.
Maybe people have needed/wanted me but I refuse to see it and it has taken my besties baby boy to force me to accept I don't got proove a thing. He loves me. He does not understand i word i say so I can't talk whinge or philosaphise....
lucky for anyone to read this incoherant whinge I have to go. Happy Bel needs to be here SURE is here and as I am an infaliable person heavens forbid I need to be a little bit deep....As SURe is reading...yes you sure reading over my shoulder...I better bugger off before you accuse me of beingshawry is a legend...I wish you guys could be here. Shawrys home, drunk as all hell but I love him and all my friends. So whinge aside. I got my family. Right here in Airlie Beach. me and the gang oblivious to the world...
Mood - happy now.
Music - ben harper |
| Edited - Never |
 1 Comments
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