The Goodies have formed a squeaky-clean rock band called the "Little Laddies" and proudly extol the virtues of wearing nice clean "Shiny Shoes" in an equally-sparkling live singing performance after a "Rock Goodies" opening jingle. However their audience of punk, leather-jacketed grannies take offence to all of this niceness and pelt the Goodies with a barrage of fairy cakes (while also roundly booing them) for their trouble. Backstage after the performance, Bill initially remarks "Oh man, what a buzz, what a turn-on, oh what a reaction!" (to which a more realistic Graeme says "I thought they hated us!") and when Tim has the temerity to suggest that he should replace Bill as lead singer ("Listen, you poor man's Muppet! I happen to bring qualities to this group that you know not of ... grace, poise, glamour, good manners, nice aftershave ... "), Bill launches a bitter verbal attack on Tim's rather boring old feet. Graeme tries to defend Tim to some degree ("Yeah, you bitch, leave T alone! I admit he comes on like Doris Day, I admit he sings like Minnie Mouse, but I honestly don't know what is wrong with his feet!") but Bill insists that the problem with Tim's feet (as highlighted by the punk grannies in "their own inarticulate, desperate, frustrated way") is the same problem the Little Laddies have in general – that they are old-fashioned and way behind the times.
Bill declares that "Shoes are out, feet are out, clean is out, ordinary is out ..." (as Tim observes in the sports section of the newspaper that "Geoff Boycott's out!"), so it's important to find out what is now considered 'in', which is achieved by the Little Laddies going out "on the road" (quite literally, by playing their instruments in the middle of a busy motorway!) The ultra cool-looking Little Laddies are engulfed in exhaust smog from a truck that roars past within a couple of feet of them and Graeme has his drum kit smashed to bits by an errant motorcycle, but their gig soon comes to an abrupt halt when a police car and divvy van arrive on the scene and they are rounded up by a patrol of dancing cops. The police engage the Little Laddies for various police social functions (including the "North Acton Constabulary Social Club" and the "CIB Obscenities Squad Stag Night"!) and Tim notes that the Little Laddies got a good write-up in the 'Police Review' as the police "liked the Shiny Shoes routine" (to which Bill grumbles "That's 'cos they've all got socking great feet, isn't it?!")
Bill is very disillusioned about being stuck playing police gigs and wants to go punk instead (asking Tim to shove a safety pin through his ear and then saying "Alright, I'll shove it through your ear!" when Tim refuses to do it!) Bill initially decides to change his name to "Willie Snot" and then the group's name to "Willie Snot and the Bogies" (to which Graeme wryly comments "Ah yes, that'll get right up their noses!") while Graeme also tosses up his own ideas for a suitably nasty new name ("Sweaty Socks?!") before he settles for "Vanessa Redgrave" (after Bill has exhorted him to "think of something universally objectionable!") and Tim also seeks a new horrid-sounding identity ("Tim Not-As-Nice-As-He-Looks?!") before retains his own name (to Graeme's call of "Yeah, that's objectionable!") Bill then ensures that the group can "express the feeling of youth today and the burdens of frustration and unemployment" as he tells Tim and Graeme "You're fired!" and pushes them out the back door of the divvy van (bowling over a film projector – which has been screening all sorts of trendy images onto the back window of the van - and several seated policemen in the process), to the announcement of "Goodies Split".
Back at the Goodies' office, Tim is fed up with the newspapers being saturated with stories about the rapidly growing punk phenomenon ("The papers make it quite clear nobody likes it, yet it just goes on and on. I just don't understand it!") and he switches on the TV, only to receive an obscenity-ridden BBC News bulletin that details a Festival of Light rally (reporting that"Lord Longford made a [beep] statement on the moral decay of this [toot toot] country and mentioning "Mary [honk] Whitehouse" as well) and Tim's own fruitless crusade against punk on behalf of the "League of Shiny Shoe Wearers". Tim's one-man protest outside Westminster ("Please maintain standards. Punk is awfully uncouth. Keep Britain's Shoes Shiny!") merely raises the ire of punk politicians and police, who attack him in an all-in melee (as he desperately yells "Not my shiny shoes!" to protect his most valued asset when he is under siege) Tim's appearance on the current affairs program 'Today' is even less successful and ends with him almost being throttled by the obscene punk host Bill Grumpy for having the utter impudence to "be nice in front of millions of people" on national television. Tim worries that "Maybe it is me. Maybe I am sick. Maybe I don't understand.", so he decides to speak to the one person who might be able to explain punk to him - Caroline Kook of the 'Melody Maker' magazine, who is an authority on writing about punk and other trends.
Tim dons a stylish dinner suit and meets Caroline at his favourite charming Italian restaurant, only to find that it has gone punk since he was last there - at lunchtime! The punk waiter who serves them is none other than Graeme, who has "sunk to punk" in a big way. After a disgusting meal and even more despicable service, Tim strongly objects to all things punk only to be put back in his box very promptly by Caroline, who tells him forcefully that "punk is the latest in a long line of trends" and that she is making a lot of loot out of writing about it ("So as long as we can keep those bandwagons rolling along, much bread will be picked up by one and all."), therefore if Tim "digs the gig" and "bends with the trend", he will make "a lot of ackers" out of punk as well. A star-struck, sauce-splattered Tim declares "I am overwhelmed by your intellect. Will you marry me?" and he also asks Caroline to accompany him to the Trendsetters Ball next Tuesday ("For you, Caroline, I'm willing to become a punk rocker. Punk, punk, punkity-punk. Consider me punked!")
Not surprisingly, Caroline scornfully rejects both of Tim's proposals and also tells him that punk will soon be out-of-date anyway and replaced by a new and even weirder trend ("People will stop at nothing to make that scene.") much to Graeme's interest as he overhears their discussion in the background. A desperate Tim resorts to a visit to the St. Punks Hospital Freakology Department, where he is roughly ushered into the wards by a punk nurse only to find that Graeme has now become a punk doctor ("As always, one step ahead of the mob."). Graeme's main triumph to date has been to pierce Bill's ears with a giant safety pin (in through one ear and out the other!) and he offers to turn Tim into a freak for the Trendsetters Ball ("Knock through here, extension in there, an RSJ, build it out the back ... !"), though Bill derisively sneers that Tim can't go because he's "too pretty" ("Only us ugly people can go to the Ball!"), much to Tim's distress.
Bill forces Tim to stay at home and do the housework on the night of the Trendsetters Ball; however after Tim flattens a "cheeky bloody mouse" with a broom and befriends a fly that buzzes around the office, he is rescued from his lonely fate by Dr Graybungles (although Graeme rather callously sprays and squashes Buttons the fly upon arrival). Graeme asks Tim to "think of me as your Fairy Punkmother" and turns him into Punkarella the freak by chopping his leg off. Tim is horrified at Graeme's work ("What am I gonna do with just one leg?!"; to which Graeme cheekily replies "I should go to the hop!") and asks for transport and "something to wear". Graeme tells Tim to "get me a pumpkin, six rats and a couple of lizards", but then uses them all to adorn Tim's head with (admiring Tim's new outfit with "Yeah, that's amazing! Now all we need is the transport ...!") Meanwhile, following a series of bizarre acts at the Trendsetters Ball, Bill as Willie Snot (dressed stylishly in a tuxedo for extra shock value to the punk audience!) responds to the Toastmaster's instruction of "Lay it on 'em, Will!" with an epic self-torture routine to the tune of 'I'm In Love For The Very First Time', and is the hot favourite to win the first prize of being deemed "Officially Amazing".
However Bill is upstaged by the arrival of the "mysterious stranger, Punkarella", who instantly captures the attention of Caroline Kook and they share a romantic waltz together. Bill and Graeme also glide around the dance floor with an assortment of dance partners and continue a conversation as they meet up intermittently (B: "Who is it? Is it one of yours?" ... G: "Oh, yes." ... B: "Well, it's very good. Pity old Timbo isn't here to see it, hey?" ... G (mysteriously): "Perhaps he is!" ... B: What do you mean by that?" ... G: "Nothing!") The clock strikes midnight though, which causes a panicking Punkarella to flee from the dance, as Tim has been previously warned by Graeme that the clip holding his leg on is "a bit dodgy" ("Couldn't get the right parts, know what I mean?" I wouldn't trust it for too long ... put it this way, if I was you, I'd be home by midnight.") Caroline yells out "Stop the music!" as Punkarella bolts off up the staircase, but the clip gives way and the leg falls off. A smitten Caroline is most dismayed as she picks up the discarded leg and stares longingly as Punkarella hops away into the night
A couple of days later, a clumsy Tim hops around doing the housework for a foul-mouthed Bill, who notices that a proclamation has been issued in the newspaper. Following the disappearance of the "pumpkin-headed, rat-festooned, lizard-hung weirdo" that freaked everyone out at the Trendsetters Ball, "the judges are eager to establish his, her or its identity". Bill continues to read aloud that their only clue to Punkarella's identity is the leg that was left behind (as a hopping Tim spills Bill's drink all over the floor and moans "I just don't seem to be able to put a foot right!") A Chamberlain and his flunkies are travelling around the country with the leg in question, and "Whomsoever the leg shall fit shall receive the hand of Caroline Kook in marriage ... and be deemed 'Officially Amazing'".
This prospect leads scores of desperate punks right across the land to chop their own legs off in a futile (and painful!) bid to win the prize (with the Chamberlain and his flunky copping a shower of severed legs raining down on them from a second-storey window as they approach a disco!), however the leg-bearers do eventually find the right house. After a brief distraction from pirate Bill (who tells the Chamberlain "Well that be my spare!" when his folded-up real leg is detected) and his parrot ("Who's a one-legged boy then?!"), the rightful owner of the leg is finally found, and "Trendy Timbo" ultimately wins "the hand of Caroline Kook in marriage". Her hand is all he gets though (as he tucks it Napoleon-like into the front of his suit jacket!), as Graeme and Bill gleefully get to divide up the rest of her among themselves!
CLASSIC QUOTES
* The Little Laddies singing 'Shiny Shoes' in their 'Rock Goodies' sequence:
I'm B ... I'm G ... I'm T. We're nice boys!
If you want to know how to judge a guy
Don't look at his shirt, don't look at his tie
If you really want to know him ... (hmm)
Look at his shoes ... sh-shiny shoes!
Don't trust that collar, don't believe that cuff
Smart suspenders is not enough
If you really want to know him ... (hmm)
Look at his shoes ... sh-shiny shoes!
The devil has the smartest shoes, that's what they say
But cop a look at those daisy roots
Oh gawd blimey, what a giveaway!
Shiny shoes show we care, always welcome anywhere
See them sparkle, see them shine
Nice clean shoes means nice clean minds
If you really want to know us ... (hmm)
Look at our shoes ... shoes ... shoes!
Sh-shiny shoes, sh-shiny shoes, sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh- shiny shoes!
Sh-shiny shoes, sh-shiny shoes, sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh- shiny shoes!
Sh-sh-sh-sh-shiny shoes, sh-sh-sh-sh-shiny shoes
Gimme those, gimme those, gimme those shoes!
Sh-sh-sh-sh-shiny shoes, sh-sh-sh-sh-shiny shoes
Gimme those, gimme those, gimme those shoes!
_________
* Bill (reading 'Melody Maker' magazine): "(Caroline Kook) says 'the new-wave music is a socio-political phenomenon caused by the neo-reactionary backlash of a repressed adolescent subculture'. Now I agree with that."
Graeme (objecting): "Well I don't know that I agree with that!"
Bill: "Why not?"
Graeme: "Because I don't know what it means!"
* Bill: "I am gonna go punk!"
Graeme (revolted): "Do you mind if I open a window?!"
* Tim (reading the menu at the punk restaurant): "Oh this is alright. This is okay. Ratatouille."
Graeme (as a punk waiter): "No you can't have that. We've run out of rats!"
Tim (horrified at the thought of eating rats): "WHAT!"
* Tim (joyfully): "Really little mouse? You really think I look like an ugly old cow?! Really? I'm so ugly that when I come into the room, you mice jump onto a chair! Really? I'm the ugliest thing you've ever seen in the whole ... (changes his tune) the whole of your life?! CHEEKY BLOODY MOUSE! (whacks it angrily with his broom!)
* Dr. Graybungles (to Tim, who wants to be turned into a freak): "Don't worry, I'm a very fast worker, Squire. We'll have you sorted out in two shakes of a lamb's whatsit. Matter of fact, I could give you a lamb's whatsit!"
CLASSIC SCENES
* The Little Laddies, T, G and B, performing their utterly infectious 'Shiny Shoes' routine in incredibly tasteless 70's suits and enormous black shoes for an audience of leather-jacketed, motorcycle helmet-wearing, punk grannies, who show their immense hatred of the performance by pelting the lads with a shower of fairy cakes.
* Tim's lone campaign to 'Keep Britain's Shoes Shiny', which draws the wrath of the BBC TV newsreader ("Mr Tim Brooke [cuckoo]" staging a protest on behalf of the League Of Shiny Shoe Wearers"), politicians and the police force who have all turned punk; along with a ferocious-looking Patrick Moore, who makes rude gestures to the camera on 'The Stars At Night', and also Bill Grumpy, who violently objects to Tim "being nice" when interviewed on his TV show and tries to throttle him after Tim politely says "I'd like to come on again please".
* Tim meeting Caroline Kook for a charming evening out at a restaurant, only to find that it has gone punk since he was last there (at lunchtime!) with Graeme, of all people, as the punk waiter offering awful service with no manners or class whatsoever. This includes taking Tim's coat, but then using it to wipe the muck off the table before throwing it back at him, rescuing the chef's severed ear from Tim's chair ("He'll be very pleased to see that again. He thought that went in the Chicken Surprise!"), snotting on the crumpled menu before handing it over to Tim, giving the advice that "A dollop of #23 usually stays down a bit longer than most!" when Caroline asks him for his recommendation, bunging on the jukebox which just smashes the record to bits rather than playing it, the dumping of a bucket of spaghetti on Tim's head, followed shortly after by a bucket of sauce after he has gently scooped a spoonful of sauce onto Caroline's plate with a wicked smirk on his face (as if daring Tim to request the same, which Tim foolishly does!), re-emerging with a violin (after an upset Tim asks "Where's the soft lights? Where's the music?") and playing a few discordant notes before smashing the violin over Tim's head and fleeing again, and finally, declaring "But until then, punk rules! Here's your bill!" and shoving the bill in Caroline's cleavage for good measure!
* The contest for the title of 'Officially Amazing' at the Trendsetters Ball, with the punk Toastmaster - Frank Thornton of 'Are You Being Served?' fame – (having already announced that the event is sponsored by "Virgin Records, Time Out, the Music Press, the Sunday papers and other philanthropic, political, non-profit-making organisations!") expertly presenting an array of weirdos like the "newly-appointed Archbishop of Canterbury, the Very Reverend Dr Donald Rotten", who knocks his transplanted block-of-stone head off in protest at the "decline in sales of his latest album", the punk Mr Nat Not-Very-Nice, who stuffs a live ferret down the front of his trousers in protest at "the persistent failure of the bourgeois BBC to grant him a spot on 'Top of the Pops'" (scoring an "Amazing with really nice connections" mark from one of the judges!) , and Mr Willie Snot, aka Bill (who deeply shocks the assembled punk gathering by appearing in a tuxedo!) who are all being judged by a panel of experts featuring Caroline Kook, a blindfolded and earplugged John Peel and a rather hirsute, chipmunk-toothed Bob Harris from 'The Old Grey Whistle Test'
* Willie Snot protesting about issues as diverse as "the increased rate of unemployment", "the restructuring of secondary education" and the "hunting of dwarf gibbons in Sumatra" by terribly torturing himself while singing 'I'm In Love For The Very First Time'. This is achieved with an impressive array of masochistic weaponry, including a tray, two bricks, a heavy weight, a boxing glove, a slab of concrete and several mallets (which are all put to use to whack him in the head on various occasions), a stepladder (that he jumps off), a rake (in the face), giant pliers (recreating the Nutcracker Suite as well as giving his nose a nip!), a sandbag (swinging in from the side and flattens him), a medicine ball (on the stomach while lying on the floor), a bucket of water (tipped on him from above) and a hangman's noose (lifting him into the air). Willie finally hammers himself through the floor and explodes spectacularly, only to be upstaged by the mysterious arrival of Punkarella before the judges can give him a score.
* Punkarella fleeing the dance up a sweeping staircase as the clock strikes midnight, but not just leaving behind a lousy glass slipper - rather an entire leg – before hopping off into the darkness and leaving a heartbroken Caroline Kook behind at the dance.
* The final scene, with Tim receiving the hand of the delectable Caroline Kook in marriage, Graeme getting her upper body, and Bill running away into the distance triumphantly hoisting her legs into the air!
GUEST STARS
Jane Asher, Frank Thornton, Michael Barratt, Patrick Moore, Ronnie Brody, Roland Macleod, Vicki Michelle, Selina Ingram, James Muir, Norman Bacon, Barney Carroll, Eddie Davis, Ernie Goodyear
GOODIES SONGS
Shiny Shoes (Rock Goodies)
On The Road
I'm In Love For The Very First Time
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
A great parody of the punk fashion phenomenon sweeping Britain at the time, also incorporating a classic sendup of Cinderella and two of the very best Goodies musical video clips in 'Shiny Shoes' and 'I'm In Love For The Very First Time'. Even better than being declared 'Officially Amazing'!
BLACK PUDDING RATING
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