A snoring Graeme is awoken from his slumber by a noisy cuckoo clock, only to produce a shotgun from beneath the sheets and exact his revenge with a potshot that blasts the cuckoo to bits. Graeme, Tim and a posse of other hunters (all clad in tweed suits, plus masks which feature a pair of glasses, a large nose and extravagantly hairy eyebrows and moustache) march out of a country mansion and bellow raucously as they wildly shoot at every bird in sight, with even the ornamental rooster atop the weather vane copping a shotgun burst from Tim (who triumphantly flings his hat in the air only for it to be shot to bits in turn by Graeme!) After the hunters surround a circular post-mounted bird feeder and blast it (and its cooing occupants) to bits, they charge into the R.S.P.B. Bird Sanctuary (smashing the gate with a volley of gunfire rather than bothering to open it) where Bill is quietly observing a chirping sparrow through his binoculars (having told the hunters to "Shh" when they were noisily wrecking the gate a few minutes earlier!) Bill's birdwatching enjoyment soon comes to a sudden grisly end when the hunters surround the sparrow, fill it with lead and egg each other on with wild celebrations afterwards.
Bill is utterly disgusted with this "brutal, callous and inhuman" behaviour and he infiltrates the meeting of the Endangered Species Club (which is chaired by Tim in his seal pup hat, with Graeme having already accepted Tim's kind offer to "pull up a panda" to sit on!) inside a mobile bird hide. Graeme and Tim are able to dispense with their raspy hunting voices once inside the clubrooms ("Oh that's better. That voice hurts your throat, doesn't it?"), but their hunting instincts are still keen as Graeme closely examines the bird hide and the intruder that it contains ("Lord, it's a strange furry little chap! I can't miss!") Tim asks if Bill is an endangered species (to which a trigger-happy Graeme replies "He is now!"), but when Bill replies that he is not endangered, Tim declares "I'm afraid we can't shoot you then. I'm sorry ,old bean, rule of the club. We can only shoot endangered species." This is because "common species are all over the place" and therefore no fun to shoot, as proved by Graeme, who walks into the next room and mercilessly pots Pretty Boy the budgie (re-emerging with a bored "No, no fun at all!", much to Bill's speechless outrage).
Tim tells Bill that "what you loony conservationists fail to comprehend" is that his club are also just as interested in preserving rare animals, but only so that they have something to kill! Bill insists that they "should only shoot what you are prepared to eat", to which Tim agrees ("There is not one beast outside whose inside has not been stuffed into some pie, pastry or flan and consumed with gusto!") This creed is evidenced by the club's rather gruesome menu (including "mole kebabs" and "barbecued badger balls" – Tim's favourite!) and Bill admits that he also eats animals, but "only sausages, chickens and lamb chops", to which Tim asks "Ah, but has your average baa lamb ever enjoyed the thrill of the chase?!" (and Graeme weighs in with "And does your average chucky hen know the excitement of bombing across the Yorkshire Moors, dodging the flak?!") Tim wants a law passed so that people can "only eat what they shoot" (after which Graeme asks him if he'd like an olive, Tim replies "Thank you", Graeme blasts it to bits and then tells Tim in deadpan fashion that "You can't have one!") and Bill then declares that he would "prefer to starve rather than harm a living thing". A canny Graeme deduces "Then you'd be an endangered species, wouldn't you, my little plum?!" and Bill is forced to run for his life up a country laneway as Graeme and Tim fire wildly at him in pursuit.
"Months later when the wounds have healed", Tim enters the Goodies' office to find that Bill has converted it into headquarters for the 'Abolition of Endangered Species Club', and has accumulated heaps of endangered animals there ("Bengal tigers, jaguars, whooping cranes, dwarf gibbons, the lot!") inside bulletproof cages. Tim excitedly thinks that they're a present for him to slaughter ("Bill, thank you, and it's not even my birthday!"), but Bill has equipped the animals with various weird survival mechanisms based on the armadillo (as the unarmoured "illo" was vulnerable because "native boys used to use them as catapults"). Bill's creations include an armoured rabbit, a spiny grass snake ("very useful as a loo brush, that one!") an exploding slug (which Tim whacks with a ruler, setting it off with a bang), a boxing kangaroo (that biffs Tim on the nose when he opens its locker) and Clara the chook who fires a barrage of concrete eggs at Tim (forcing him to put the armadillo on his head for protection!) upon Bill's command. Graeme enters the office also under fire from the concrete eggs ("Charming welcome, that is!") with another endangered species for Bill's collection - a dodo that he has bought from the pet shop ("the last one in stock - a discontinued line.")
Tim reckons that Graeme is fibbing (sarcastically exclaiming "Everyone has heard of the well-known phrase or saying 'as dead as a dodo'!") and Bill demands to see the bird (which is covered up inside a big basket) as he also has his doubts. The bird promptly clamps onto Tim's nose with its beak and Bill's question of "What is it?" receives a muffled reply of "Don't know" ("Do do!") from the inconvenienced Tim! Rather than "going cheap" at the pet shop, Graeme claimed it was "going ERRRKKK!", but Tim doesn't find Graeme's supposed joke the least bit funny when this awful noise continually wakes him up. The racket is sufficient to get Tim and Bill out of bed (the same one, with a bespectacled Ken-style doll placed between them representing Graeme!) at 3am and they find Graeme in earplugs pacing the floor with a book in hand, keenly "trying to figure out why the dodo became extinct" in the first place. A tired Tim goes to sit down on his throne only for Graeme to hastily yell "Don't sit there!" on account of "dodo doos" (as Tim rages "That is my best throne! And look at the size of it! I thought it was a new cushion!") and Tim gets even stroppier when he finds that Graeme has raided his supply of baked beans to satisfy the fussy dodo's "eccentric diet".
Bill suggests that the dodo may have become extinct as "baked beans hadn't been invented yet", while Tim's misery is compounded when he roars that "There is some sago pudding in one of my jubilee sneakers!", only for Graeme to tell him that the "sago pudding" is actually a pile of beans that the dodo has regurgitated after a bout of tummy trouble. Graeme continues "Of course, with beans, there would be other attendant problems …", and is promptly interrupted by a huge fart from the dodo, much to an appalled Tim's chagrin. Graeme begins to theorise that the dodo was "rendered extinct by the hand of man" (as the dodo grabs him by the hand and drags him to the floor for a protracted wrestle behind the sofa) and he angrily claims that extinction occurred because "the character of the bird was so totally and utterly obnoxious!" Bill is gobsmacked by Graeme's harsh assessment (claiming that the dodo is "one of God's creatures") and after Graeme has stated "This dodo is of enormous scientific significance … and it's got to go!", Bill's counter of "He goes, I go" is soon taken up by a cranky Graeme ("It's a deal!")
Bill the outcast takes a walk down the street (with a gas mask on to block out the stench of his new-found pet!) but his dodo doesn't exactly endear itself to the locals (by dropping big dollops of white poop everywhere as it trundles along and they pelt Bill with all sorts of household objects to convey their disgust. Meanwhile the Endangered Species Club is on the brink of collapse as Tim announces to his fellow members that "that grotty little screwball Oddie has nicked all of the endangered species and locked them all up in a big box" (to a chorus of "Shame!" from all present) and now the endangered animals "have all gone and eaten each other". After he briefly considers the suggestion "that we blow up London Zoo", Tim comes to the sad conclusion that "we've got to admit that this club is doomed"; however Graeme reminds him that "there is one left" for them to pursue – the dodo – much to the delight of his fellow hunters, who prepare their weapons for the final hunt.
Bill is holed up with the dodo in a small cabin in the grounds of the bird sanctuary and he is desperate to let some fresh air into the room (as he shovels up yet another pile of dodo doos from the floor!), but the paranoid dodo attacks him when he attempts to open a window. An increasingly tetchy Bill tells the dodo "You're very difficult to live with!" - an opinion furthered when he realises that the greedy dodo has nicked his supper. ("Look at that! One bloody little sausage you left me!") When the dodo gobbles his last sausage as well, Bill corners it, with a tomahawk held above its beak, and snarls "Right, you just get out that door! Otherwise Uncle Bill severs the snout!" (though this threat merely brings on another bout of flatulence from the dodo, much to Bill's disgust!)
The dodo still refuses to set foot outside the cabin despite Bill's pleas that it is perfectly safe as they are in a sanctuary, so Bill finally resorts to dressing up as a dodo himself in order to take a walk outside and return safely to prove that it's OK for his feathered friend to pop his own "handsome hooter" out there. The dodo gives a randy squawk when it sees Bill in the dodo costume, to which a concerned Bill says "Here, you can take that look out of your eye! You randy little devil!" (though he does promise the dodo that "if I spot any little lady dodos out there, I'll pull one for you!") Tim has the same idea of dressing up as a decoy dodo to lure the real one towards the hunters, so he and Bill caper around and dance beak to beak (while being filmed for a documentary by a Disney Wildlife Unit presenter). A puzzled Graeme watches proceedings from a distance, then eventually swoops in and traps the two squawking dodos in a large net; however he and Tim faint in shock when they realise that the other 'dodo' is just Bill in costume.
Upon return to the cabin and its awful smell, Tim finds that the real dodo randily throws itself at him (to Bill's cry of "Listen, I did not get you a mate! It's just Tim!", followed by an amorous squawk from the dodo – and Bill noting "You're in luck, he's not fussy!") Graeme diagnoses that the "hooligan dodo is emotionally disturbed (and) has an inferiority complex" which would be cured if it was able to fly, but while Bill is excited by the prospect of "Jonathon Livingstone Dodo gracefully taking flight, Graeme's real motive for helping out is far less altruistic (as he discreetly divulges to Tim that "I thought our fellow club members would enjoy the challenge of a flying target.") Despite the best efforts of all three Goodies though, the dodo still can't get off the ground and an impatient Tim fires a shot at it which only grazes its beak while Graeme tries to sneak up on it with a tomahawk raised and ready. Bill reckons that "Sometimes I think you two don't have the dodo's best interests at heart" and that he knows how to get the dodo airborne without their help, so he promises Tim and Graeme that the dodo will take its maiden flight at 3pm the next day.
Tim, Graeme and their fellow hunters gather in position with their guns at the ready, but after a briefing from Bill ("Now be honest, old spoon, we both know what's waiting for one up there, don't we? My God, I wish I were going with you ... but I'm not!"), the Red Baron-like dodo takes to the skies in an old biplane and proceeds to blitz the hunters into submission with a volley of shots and missiles as it loops-the-loop above them. Graeme and Tim eventually take to the trandem and fire shots at the plane using a gun on the back and although Tim crashes the trandem into a fence, Graeme manages to score a direct hit on the biplane, which smoulders as it descends and finally erupts into a huge fireball when it ploughs into the small cabin. Bill sits deep in thought in the smoking ruins of the hut and the remorseful Tim and Graeme wander over to console him, only for him to reveal that "I've just discovered the real reason why dodos became extinct - they're absolutely delicious!" 'Finger Lickin' Good' in fact, as Tim and Graeme happily have a feed as well!
CLASSIC QUOTES
* Graeme (at the Endangered Species Club): "And the proof of the pudding is in tonight's menu, my little ecofreak. Poached osprey eggs, mole kebabs and barbecued badger balls."
Tim (keenly): "My favourite!"
Graeme: "And of course, a choice of red or white."
Bill: "What, wine?"
Graeme: "No, squirrel or rhino!"
* Bill: "You can call me a crank if you like …"
Tim & Graeme (in agreement): "You're a crank!"
Bill: " … but I would prefer to starve rather than harm a living thing."
Tim: "Kill! Not harm. You don't eat 'harmed' lamb chops, you eat dead ones!"
* Bill: "You've heard of an armadillo. But what do you get when you remove the armoured part?"
Tim (quizzically): "An illo?!"
* Tim (about the dodo at the pet shop): "Was it going cheap?"
Graeme: "No, it was going ERRRKKK!!"
* Tim (chairing the club meeting): "There was the suggestion that we create a few (endangered species) of our own by potting nearly all the sparrows. But I'm not eating bloody sparrow sandwiches for six months!"
* Bill (getting cross with the dodo): "How a greedy, obnoxious, bad-tempered, filthy berk of a bird with bad breath, B.O. and a beak like a battleship ever lasted ten seconds on this planet absolutely beats me!"
* Bill (after the dodo has flung itself at Tim, who is in a dodo costume): "Get off him! You dirty little bird! Sex mad, he is! Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi! Listen, I did not get you a mate. It's just Tim. (randy squawk from dodo) You're in luck, he's not fussy!"
CLASSIC SCENES
* Graeme and Tim setting out from their country retreat as loud-voiced tweed-clad hunters (the same type of character that Tim played in the earlier episode 'Hunting Pink'), with Graeme blasting his cuckoo clock with a shotgun when it has the impertinence to wake him up, Tim potting the rooster ornament atop the wind vane, and the pack of hunters surrounding a bird feeder, sticking a rifle in each of the openings and blowing it sky high in unison. The hunters then storm into the bird sanctuary (with Bill politely telling them to "Shh!" when they shoot the gate to pieces!) and gun down a sparrow which Bill has been observing through his binoculars, as Tim replies to Bill's indignant "That was a sparrow!" with ""I'm sorry, we thought it was a robin! (turns to fellow hunters) It was a sparrow." and Graeme chimes in with a semi-sympathetic "It's a dead sparrow!"
* The various little behavioural problems of the dodo, including its raucous squawk which keep waking Tim and Bill up at 3am, its "dodo doos" all over Tim's best throne, its "sago pudding" in Tim's jubilee sneakers after regurgitating its baked beans when they disagreed with its stomach and its frequent loud breaking of wind from the beans that did manage to stay down, as well as its attacks on Bill and in particular Graeme, who conducts an athletic tussle with the belligerent dodo at the back of the sofa while logically trying to figure out why it became extinct in the first place.
* Bill taking the dodo for a walk down the street, while wearing a gas mask (with the dodo dropping yucky white piles of 'dodo doos' everywhere as it waddles along) and the residents booing loudly and throwing saucepans and other household items at him. Also a man shovelling up a pile of dodo manure and putting it on his prized roses, only for the roses to instantly wither and die, with him cursing and shaking his fist in anger at a fleeing Bill.
* Bill being locked in a small cabin at the bird sanctuary with the obnoxious flatulent dodo, and begging it to go outside so that they can both get some fresh air, then going berserk when it eats all of his supper. Also Bill dressing as a dodo and tangling with Tim (who is similarly disguised) in the Walt Disney wildlife film titled "Daisy the Delectable Dodo". This contains the great visual gag of the camera reels actually being a Mickey Mouse hat on the cameraman, plus Delectable Daisy (Tim) booting "Dreadful Dennis, the neighbourhood wiseguy" (Bill) in the crotch to show her "seeming indifference" and the commentary that "pretty soon she and Dennis are gonna be at it like knives!"
* Tim and Graeme generously assisting Bill with wacky methods to get the dodo to fly (as it would be "more sporting" to have a moving target for their hunt!) including the three of them heaving the dodo around like a medicine ball, Tim taking a huge run up and punting it through the air like a rugby ball, Bill giving it a hammer throw, Graeme putting it in a slingshot (only for the dodo to rebound back and bowl him over twice) and Tim trying to fire it from a cannon which just leaves it all blackened (with Bill plucking out its own tailfeathers to dust it off with!) Also Bill consoling the dodo after Tim has taken a pot at it with "Dere, dere, dere. Did the nasty man try to blow your head off?!"
* Various scenes from the dodo's final flight, including signalman Bill almost being flattened when the plane takes off, a series of shots being fired through Graeme's legs by the dodo as Graeme stands with gun pointed skywards, Tim catching a bomb in a bucket only for it to explode and drench him with water, Tim riding the trandem with Graeme on the back operating a missile launcher and crashing into a fence when the tyre is blown out, and the plane exploding in a huge fireball after hitting the shed, with Bill sitting in the ruins having discovered that the dodo became extinct because "it's finger lickin' good!".
GUEST STARS
Percy Edwards (Voice of the Dodo), Barney Carroll, Eddie Davis, Ernie Goodyear, Jimmy Mac, James Goodyear
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
This episode holds the dubious distinction of being the most heavily censored Goodies episode by the ABC with some 2 minutes of footage cut, including some mild swearing, the reference to "barbecued badger balls", the dodo blowing off loudly, its randiness and its rather messy streetwalk. It's still a humourous episode on the ABC regardless, with Graeme and Tim going off the deep end as loony hunters and Bill showing his caring nature conservation side, but the uncut episode is probably their 'naughtiest' BBC effort and is very funny indeed
BLACK PUDDING RATING
