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The three Goodies enter their brand new office, with Tim and Bill being most impressed with the "fantastic" new setup that Graeme has been busily putting together. Graeme remarks "I think I've spent your money wisely" (to which Tim utters "Thank you Aunty" with a grateful glance at her haughty-looking portrait on the wall) and explains that he has "designed this place so that we can not only work, but live here 24 hours a day, 7 … weeks a month!". The office seemingly defies all laws of space like the TARDIS in 'Doctor Who', as the food store, kitchen, bedroom and bathroom are all magically located behind two doors, with a different room on show each time a door is opened.

Graeme's one-of-a kind 'Rent-A-View' picture window initially proves popular as it shows views of London and Paris with accompanying relaxing muzak, but a scene of Sydney Harbour with 'Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport' as backing music abruptly leads to some early Rolf Harris-bashing, as Bill shrieks "Turn it off!" and Tim looks rather revolted as well. After Graeme further shows off his handiwork by revealing a fully-equipped games room behind the same door as the food store, Bill pipes up indignantly with "Oi, where's the loo?! You've forgotten the loo, haven't you?!" Graeme cockily points towards the smaller door, which Bill opens rather hesitantly to reveal the sparkling thunderbox within and Tim comments that the new office is "Great, fantastic, everything we could possibly need."

Bill rather abruptly replies "What for?!" and Graeme immediately follows with "Yeah that's a point; what is it for?" to which Tim rather vaguely responds that they will find out what they're needed for when someone asks them for help. He bossily intones that Bill was supposed to have arranged the advertising for their new business, to which Bill responds "Now look, I've put one (ad) in The Times." T: "That's good." B: "I put one in there" (holds up a Penthouse magazine) T (concerned): "That's not so good." B: "I put one in Man's Thing, one in Woman's Thing, one in Rubber News there … and one in Beano." G (disbelievingly): "Casting the net a bit wide, aren't you?" B (crossly): Well, I don't know what we do, do I?!"

For all of the fabulous features that Graeme has installed in the new office, he has forgotten one key item: a telephone. However Bill has listed the number of the old lady downstairs in his advertisements and before long she silently brings a message to them. T: "Can't she speak?" B (trying to decipher her message): "Hah, she can't even write!" Their very first job offer requires the "Dear Giddies" to report to the Tower of London and following a wild maiden ride on their trandem bike, Bill inflates a rather cuddly-looking blow-up guard dog to protect their set of wheels while they are inside the tower, with a sign of 'It Bites' placed there in the hope of instilling some fear into any would-be bikenapper.

The Goodies enter the spooky tower and are startled by an eye peeping through a keyhole. A gruff voice asks if they are alone (to which Tim replies "Yes we're alone, the three of us!") and the Sergeant-at-Arms (with an impossibly long-winded and very upper-crust title) invites them into the kitchen, which is a converted torture chamber. Someone has been stealing the Beefeater's beef, which is forcing them to starve to death as they are too fussy to eat corned beef or any other food. After two midget Beefeaters walk out in a huff, the Sergeant-at-Arms laments "You see, they're not half the men they were. And there's worse!" T (shocked): "Worse?!" SA: "The ravens have gone." T: "That's a bad omen." G: "Why have they gone?" SA (bluntly): "We ate them!"

Back at the office, the Goodies need to determine the identity of the culprit who holds a grudge against the Beefeaters. Tim and Bill surmise that it is either bulls (as no bull likes getting eaten) or poultry farmers (who stand to gain from the Beefeaters' forced change of diet), which makes Tim rather indignantly mull over the prospect of the guards becoming ceremonial Chickeneaters instead. ("Chicken … eaters! It does lack a little dignity, doesn't it?!") Graeme scoffs that these suggestions are nonsense and feeds a beef sandwich to his greedy, burping computer (which raises Tim's ire over poor starving little Beefeaters even more) in search of a "logically computed answer", only for it to come up with same suspects of bulls and poultry farmers, much to Tim's smug satisfaction.

While sucking on the lemon sherbet that his Granny gave him, Bill starts hallucinating and having visions with "incredible insight" (according to Tim) so Graeme hooks Bill up to the computer so that these visions can be seen by him and Tim as well. Bill's first ecstatic visions are of a topless model (which draws an annoyed "Keep sucking, you fool!" from Graeme), followed by a fleeting glimpse of Jimmy Savile (betraying Bill's desire to appear on 'Top of the Pops'); however a rebus then appears for Tim and Graeme to solve, which reveals a plot to steal the Crown Jewels by firstly starving the Beefeaters in order to gain easier access to the Tower of London.

Another message arrives from the Tower: "Come quick, things are worse. Signed, Whatsisname.", so the Goodies dart into the quick change cabinet and emerge dressed as Beefeaters, each carrying long pointed staffs which are carted along on another wonky trandem ride to the Tower. The Sergeant-at-Arms greets them with a plaintive "They're gone! Wasted away from a lack of beef." and pauses to salute the two piles of clothing on the floor that are all that remains of his troops, after having told the Goodies that he is working under cover and that nobody must know that he is a Beefeater (only for him to don his distinctive Beefeater hat immediately afterwards!)

Graeme has designed an elaborate and thoroughly courteous burglar alarm to protect the Crown Jewels (Part of its recorded message goes "So be a sport. Why don't you just pack it in and go home, hey? You know it makes sense.") and he demonstrates it for the Sergeant-at-Arms. Sirens, skeletons, cardboard cut-out cops, a cannon and a 'Hands Up' sign form Phase 2 of the alarm if a burglar persists after Graeme's polite recorded warning, drawing a suitably impressed exclamation of "Splendid" from the Sergeant-at-Arms. As the Goodies head back to the kitchen, a prospective burglar saunters past and the Goodies soon capture him (despite Tim's craven cowardice!) only to make a shock discovery (from the coat of arms on his outfit) he is a burglar to royalty 'by appointment'. While the Sergeant-at-Arms tries to persuade the burglar to talk by use of the garlic crusher thumbscrew from the kitchen (Burglar: "Oh no, not that! I can't stand the smell of garlic!"), the Goodies are off in search of his accomplice.

Suspicion immediately switches to the "young him" lookalike with largish ears who swings a polo mallet on the lawn outside (T: "I suppose he's picked up that kind of irresponsible student prank from Cambridge! … Oh dear, if it really is him I'll probably be very embarrassed" G: "If it really is him, I should think he'd be very embarrassed!") As Bill and Graeme grab a long staff and a mace, Tim pleads "Promise you'll ask him if he really is you-know-who before you hit him, won't you?" B (innocently): "Oh we wouldn't just clobber him, would we?" T (relieved): "No, you wouldn't." (B&G cackle fiendishly in unison) T (horrified): "You wouldn't, you wouldn't …!" A mad polo-playing, fruit-splattering chase scene ensues through the streets of London until the rider disappears through the gates of Buckingham Palace. Tim is horrified to realize that "It REALLY was him!" while Bill can only offer a worried "Oh flippin' heck!" before they jointly start to blubber in despair. The Beefeater-costumed Goodies are confronted by the Palace guards, so they politely ask the guards for directions to the Tower, do a strange sort of curtsey and make a rapid escape back to their office.

The Goodies appear to be finished no sooner than they have started, as Bill loudly laments, "We REALLY blew it!!", getting on Tim's nerves in the process. Tim prepares to visit some friends (in Canada!) while the noisy arrival of a 'royal message' from the fearsome-looking Black Rod (who will only leave after receiving a tip) and his trumpeting sidekick Maynard does little to ease their concerns. The message from a certain Elizabeth R in response to Tim's apologetic telegram states that the jewels in the tower were actually fakes, as the real ones had been pawned to overcome one's financial problems, but after being back in the money (by selling Balmoral to the Burtons, according to Tim!), they were attempting to put the real jewels back when foiled by the Goodies. The Goodies are asked to treat the embarrassing matter as an official secret, however as their actions were considered to be loyal and proper, they are still in business and can look forward to the next birthday honours list!

CLASSIC QUOTES

* Tim: "We are the Goodies."

Bill & Graeme (impatiently): "Yes, we know that!"

Tim: " And we are, er ... going to ... do good ... to people."

Bill (scornfully): "How wet!"

* Graeme (reading Bill's ad): "The Goodies. Phone 0831234. Anything, Anytime. ... (incredulously) That's a bit vague, isn't it?!"

* Bill (preparing to catch the burglar): "For England!"

Graeme: "For England"

Tim: (the coward!): "You know, I don't awfully care too much about England!"

* The Fairy Puff Man (Tim): "Kitten, those undies you're wearing are grey, grey, grey, grey, grey!"

The Fairy Puff Girl: "I know, I know ... Take them off and put them in the machine. (strips naked) Right, now what are we gonna do, hmm?"

The Fairy Puff Man (in a camp embarrassed voice): "I'm going to wash these clothes! I'm the Fairy Puff Man ..."

CLASSIC SCENES

* the maiden voyage of the trandem. As the Goodies wheel it out from behind a parked car, Tim attaches a flashing light to his head, Graeme hoists a Goodies flag on the back and Bill pumps up two tyres at once, only for them all to fall off sideways onto the road when they eventually try to ride it.

* the use of torture equipment as kitchen utensils at the tower, such as a thumbscrew as an "absolutely marvellous" garlic crusher, a guillotine to slice a loaf of bread, a casket as a fridge and a spectacular swinging axe as a meat slicer which the Goodies daringly dodge as they move around the kitchen, with the activating of the crazy kitchen equipment seamlessly blending into the Sergeant-at-Arms' explanation of why he needs their help to solve the problem of his disappearing beef.

* Graeme and Tim's frantic attempts to solve Bill's lemon sherbet-inspired puzzle - "old lady with a big mouth" … (G: "My mother-in-law!") … and big ding-dongs!", before finally realising that "crow-n chew-ells" means that the Crown Jewels are in danger.

* The advertisement for Fairy Puff detergent, with Tim as the super-smooth Fairy Puff Man encouraging a pretty lass to gradually strip off her "grey, grey, grey" dress, underslip and undies, only to camply declare "I'm going to wash these clothes!" when the naked lass asks him what he's going to do next!

* the Goodies riding the trandem dressed as Beefeaters and bowling over pedestrians with their staffs, which later whir around like giant oars as they wobble along the bumpy road.

* the duelling with the polo-playing horserider, with the Goodies initially bowled over like skittles, then coming under fire from a barrage of melons after the rider has upended a fruit cart. They then encounter an equally relentless barrage of photos from Lord Snowden before the brilliant footage of Tim spinning around and around after his staff gets stuck in a tree trunk, then staggering to his feet only to crash back into the tree trunk and knock himself out.

GUEST STARS

George Baker, Max Latimer, Gertan Klauber, Maria O'Brien

GOODIES SONGS

Needed

Catch Me If You Can

MOCK ADVERTISEMENTS

Goodies Tea Set

Fairy Puff Man

(Note: the entire Fairy Puff Man ad has been deleted from the ABC version of this episode)

MY 2 CENTS WORTH

A good start to the series and twelve years of uniquely brilliant comedy, with some interesting and humourous visuals which pop up again many more times in the opening credits for future episodes. A reasonably amusing plot, with some early royal stirring and patriotic cowardice by Tim adding some further interest.

RATING