» Introduction & Index
» 1 Lemon Sherbet
» 2 Newsreaders
» 3 Targets: Max & Des
» 4. Goodies Turning ...
» 5. Beanz Ads
» 6. Targets: Nichola...
» 7. Goodies In Love
» 8. The Trandem
» 9. Targets: Tony Bl...
» 10. Inventions
» 11. Tim In Drag
» 12. Targets - David...
» 13. Bill's Outfits
» 14. Live Music
» 15. Targets: Mary &...
» 16. Goodies Relatives
» 17. Tim's Patriotic...
» 18. Targets: Rolf H...
» 19. Bill & Graeme i...
» 20. Sports & Games
» 21. Targets: Lionel...
» 22. Guest Stars: Pa...
» 23. Graeme's Computer
» 24. Monty Python Re...
» 25. Targets: Eddie ...
» 26. Memorable Animals
» 27. Foreigners
» 28. Targets: The Ra...
» 29. Graeme falling ...
» 30. Targets - Royal...
» 31. Tim Crying
» 32. Baddies & Villa...
» 33. Targets: Ken Ru...
» 34. Quick Change Ca...
» 35. Goodies Deaths
A COLLECTION OF GOODIES THEMES #30
GOODIES TARGETS - THE ROYAL FAMILY
Right from the very first episode in 1970 and throughout the entire run of the show on the BBC, The Goodies took great delight in regularly sending up Britain's Royal Family; most notably the Queen, Prince Philip, Prince Charles and Princess Anne. On Bill's Australian tour in mid-2013 he freely admitted that the Goodies "regarded Royals as curious figures of fun"; particularly as "they were a lot funnier (back then) than they are now" and that they had "a wonderful habit of falling off horses" and injuring themselves.
In the opening episode 'Beefeaters', the Goodies' first job is to report to the Tower of London, where they uncover a sneaky plot to steal the Crown Jewels. A prospective burglar is caught in the act only for the Goodies to make the shock discovery from the coat of arms on his outfit that he is a burglar to royalty 'by appointment' and their suspicion immediately switches to the masked Prince Charles-lookalike with prominent ears who is swinging a polo mallet on the lawn outside. An aghast Tim comments: "I suppose he's picked up that kind of irresponsible student prank from Cambridge! … Oh dear, if it really is him I'll probably be very embarrassed." and Graeme retorts: "If it really is him, I should think he'd be very embarrassed!")
As Bill and Graeme arm themselves with a long staff and a mace, Tim pleads "Promise you'll ask him if he really is you-know-who before you hit him, won't you?" Bill innocently replies: "Oh we wouldn't just clobber him, would we?" and a relieved Tim says: "No, you wouldn't."; only for Bill and Graeme to start to cackle fiendishly in unison and a horrified Tim to gasp: "You wouldn't, you wouldn't …!" An epic chase scene between the Goodies (in beefeater costumes) and the masked horserider ensues through the streets of London (including fruit being flung in all directions and the classic footage of Tim spinning around and around after his staff gets stuck in a tree trunk) until the rider disappears through the gates of Buckingham Palace. Tim is horrified to realize that "It really was him!" while Bill can only offer a worried "Oh flippin' heck!" before they jointly start to blubber in despair.
Back at the Goodies' office, the noisy arrival of a 'royal message' from the fearsome-looking Black Rod initially does little to ease their concerns, though the message itself from 'Elizabeth R' in response to Tim's apologetic telegram states that the jewels in the tower were actually fakes, as the real ones had been pawned to overcome one's financial problems. However now that they are back in the money again (from "selling Balmoral to the Burtons", according to Tim!), the Royals were attempting to put the real jewels back when they were foiled by the Goodies; who are asked to treat the embarrassing matter as an official secret. Seeing as the actions of the Goodies were considered to be loyal and proper though, they are still in business and can look forward with anticipation to the next Queen's Birthday honours list!
In 'Loch Ness Monster' Tim fires up the gramophone and delivers one of his early patriotic speeches in which he promises that the Goodies will find a monster for the impending Royal opening of the Snowden Monster House at London Zoo:
"Listen you two. This is a Royal cage and it's going to be a Royal occasion. She is going to be there and she is going to expect a monster. And I deem it a great honour that we have the chance to provide one for her. And if we succeed I'm sure that she will not forget us when it comes to handing out the you-know-whats!"
An unimpressed Graeme remarks: "You'd do anything for an OBE, wouldn't you?", as Tim confirms: "Yep!"
When the Goodies return to their office in 'Pollution' after their spying mission at the Ministry of Pollution disguised as civil servants, they canvas various other ways which the government can make money other than by polluting the whole country and then cleaning up the mess afterwards. One of Graeme's tongue-in-cheek suggestions is that "Prince Charles could do a turn at the Palladium!", making a 'big ears' gesture in the process.
'The Goodies Travelling Instant 5 Minute Christmas' special at the end of Series 2 features the Queen's Speech as part of the Christmas festivities, with the honours done by Tim in a fancy crown and framed by a mock TV screen. He faithfully recreates the Queen's voice and Royal wave, but is still pestered to distraction by the ubiquitous Christmas fairies as he tries in vain to deliver his speech.
'The New Office' at the start of Series 3 has Tim unpacking his various knick-knacks in his section of the office – one of which being a photo card of Prince Charles with large fold-out ears on each side of it. This prompts Bill to hang up a hot poster of a topless girl on a motorbike, though Tim then puts up a poster of the Queen sitting on a motorbike in turn and dutifully salutes it. Tim also sets up his throne and remarks: "She (the Queen) used to sit on that. I got it at the Balmoral jumble sale. It's almost perfect except for a little wet rot in the left leg where the corgis used it!"
In 'For Those In Peril On The Sea', Graeme has constructed a replica Viking boat for the Goodies to sail in from on their exploratory search for the Lost Island of Munga. Tim declares that this occasion is worthy of a proper boat launching and phones the Queen; only to get her telephone answering service. The recorded message is the first of Sheila Steafel's brilliant guest contributions, which goes in part: "If you care to leave a message, my husband and I will consider it later. Oh, if you want us to attend any fetes, bazaars or boat launchings ... get knotted!" However you can have the children … as long as you get them back before 9 o'clock." Tim is all excited ("Hey, they're coming! Her children!") but Graeme and Bill are most unhappy that this solemn occasion is going to be disrupted by "Him going up and down doing Goon impressions" and "Her in her sports car chasing foxes all over the place"; however Tim assures them that the Royal children will be "very well behaved".
The Royal boat launching takes place at Southampton, with Princess Anne swinging the magnum of champagne and bowling over the Goodies, the brass band, Prince Charles and the younger royals, then finally herself in a giant game of skittles, before sending the Viking craft underway with a poke of her foot. When the Goodies return from their expedition several weeks later, Princess Anne is still swinging from the giant champagne magnum and calling out in vain for help
In 'Goodies In The Nick', The Goodies are thrown in Strangemoor Scrubs prison for 22 years after their daring bank robbery and three years later, they all have long beards and are going "nuts, whole hazelnuts with boredom and frustration. Bill complains bitterly about the "grotty filthy little hole" that he finds himself stuck in, but a defensive Tim scolds him for talking in that manner about Her Majesty's prison ("If it was good enough for her, it's good enough for us!") Graeme scornfully dismisses the notion that the Queen ever stayed there, but Bill points to evidence on the wall (a chalk drawing of a well-endowed Queen in a bikini with accompanying "Phil" and "E II R" love heart!) to suggest that "Ol' Foul Mouthed Phil" had been there at some stage for being a "naughty lad when he was in the Navy".
Tim vows that if he is ever released he will see that Bill gets beheaded for this blasphemy, but Graeme finds that it really is Her Majesty's prison after all, as some hunting around reveals a royal wardrobe of naval clothing and crowns, a well-stocked wine bar, TV, dartboard (which Graeme tries out using the 'darts' from his prison outfit!) behind hidden panels and a very regal-looking "Royal Flush" toilet complete with the family insignia on the cistern!
The next three Royal mentions are only brief, but tie in nicely with the accompanying storylines. Firstly in 'The Race', Graeme is on the phone trying to explain to the Le Mans race organiser that the Goodies are British: "Grande Brittania! No ... avec la football, la roast beef, Her Majesty La Queen, It's A Knockout, Eddie Waring ... (launches into babbling impersonation, frustrated) ... yeah, that Grande Brittania!" In 'The Clown Virus', the BBC news bulletin announcing that the entire British population have been turned into clowns contains film of a Royal procession with the Queen blowing a party whistle from inside her limousine. Lastly in 'Frankenfido', one of the new breeds that Graeme prepares for registration with the Kennel Club is a "curly-coated bull corgi" especially for the Queen
One of the most memorable Royal sendups occurs in 'Scatty Safari' where Britain has been infested by a plague of six million panting, paint-daubing, wobbleboard-playing Rolf Harrises; prompting the televising of an urgent proclamation from a certain anonymous Queen:
"Good evening. I'm sure that you are all well aware … as indeed my husband and I are also aware … that the whole country has been overrun by a plague of Rolf Harrises. My government and I have tried everything within our power to stop this plague spreading, but to be honest, we are flummoxed. And so I am making this proclamation. (Blows clarion horn and then exhales loudly) To whomsoever can rid my land of this plague of Rolf Harrises, I will give the hand of my eldest son in marriage … and 1000 OBEs!"
In response, Tim boldly responds: "Say no more, Your Majesty. We shall do it!"; only for the Queen (on television!) to ask: "Who are you?!" in a surprised manner. Tim proudly declares: "The Goodies!"; only for the Queen to scornfully sneer "Ohh! Gordon Bennett!"
However upon the Goodies ridding the land of the plague of Rolfs in Pied Piper fashion, the grateful Queen keeps her promise, and the blushing bride Tim weds charming Prince Charles, with attendants Graeme and Bill weeping tears of joy while weighed down with the 1000 OBE's in the background.
In a 1997 interview from 'The Goodies Clarion & Globe' newsletter, Tim reveals that "Prince Charles volunteered to play himself in the marriage scene. Unfortunately palace advisers got to him. I met him a few times in the seventies and he was quoted as liking Monty Python but putting the Goodies as his favourite. Consequently I've always liked him. He even put a suggestion to me that we could make a private film for the Royal family. One of his suggestions was people coming out of the palace, after being knighted, covered in bandages and plasters." Tim also mentioned in a much later interview that he got to meet Prince William at a function and was sorely tempted to say "I could have been your mother …!" until he thought better of it!
In 'Lighthouse Keeping Loonies', mumps-stricken Tim, gets rather stressed and tries to calm himself down, but has another fright when Her Majesty's ship Britannia passes by so close in the thick fog that Tim gets a Royal wave from the Queen through the lighthouse window. He delightedly gasps "That's the closest I've ever been!"), but her wave is quickly followed by a Royal two-fingered salute from the Prince Philip, much to Tim's open-mouthed horror! Later after the Jolly Rock lighthouse has gone missing (after being blasted into space by Bill lighting his candle amid the gas and oil underneath it), the BBC News report shows photofits of the two regal-looking suspects sighted near the lighthouse just before it was stolen.
Tim makes Bill into the new Ace Reporter for the Goodies Clarion & Globe in 'Cunning Stunts' and tells him to "Go get me a story, kid.", but Bill mopes along in a daydream as all sorts of exciting things happen around him. One of these is a peek at the 'crown jewels' of bonny Prince Charles, who gives Bill a 'Royal Flash' by opening up his regal robes, but Bill merely retrieves his hat (which had been shot off his head by gangsters moments earlier) from the 'hat rack' inside the robes and returns to the office with the earth-shattering news that "My hat blew off" instead of a major scoop, much to Tim's sarcastic displeasure.
A lovestruck and useless Bill is then fired by Tim and Graeme and they are soon inundated with responses for a replacement third Goody. Tim answers a phone call from a potential Goodies applicant: "Hello, yes that's right … well, what can you offer us, Sonny Jim? Yes, we are a bit fussy, yeah … university education, naval service, big house in the middle of London, blue blood, polo … polo?! Your Royal Highness! You want to be a Goody? Well certainly Sir, we'd be honoured. You'll ring us back just as soon as you've squared it with Mum?! Right, OK, bye bye." An intrigued Graeme asks: "Who was that?" and Tim replies: "Not absolutely certain, but I think it was 'Bluebottle'!"
A couple of other Series 5 episodes featured brief, but enjoyable, Royal references. Towards the end of 'South Africa', upon the Goodies' return to a very racially different England to the one that they previously knew, Tim proudly salutes the Royal limousine as it approaches, but is perplexed when a black, bangle-clad hand emerges to wave to the masses who line the streets. Then in 'Bunfight at the OK Tea Rooms', Graeme is trying to get Tim on his side in the registering of the cream mine claim by telling tales about Bill: "And do you know who pinched the ears off your life-sized model of Prince Charles?" Tim is shocked that Bill would do such a thing; exclaiming: "Not Charles's ears?!", but Graeme responds: "Where else do you think he got them mudguards for his Mini?!"
Early in 'The End', Tim enters the room in an extremely cross mood over the proposed Kew Gardens redevelopment scheme; declaring: "It's rape, sacrilege … I'm going to write to the Queen!", but then can't remember her address and has to look it up in the phone book under Queens: "Grayson, La Rue, Park Rangers ... Regina, oh of course … Buckingham Palace!" Tim asks Graeme (while not initially realising that Graeme is actually responsible for this architectural lunacy, along with developer Harry Highrise) to write down his dictated letter of complaint to Her Majesty, in which he suggests to the Queen that the culprits "both be locked up, … no, that they should have their botties soundly smacked, no, no, that they should both be beheaded … twice … very slowly!" and requests three OBE's for the Goodies in the bargain; however he goes berserk at Graeme when the penny finally drops ("GRAEME GARDEN?!") and roars "What on earth did you do this for?!", with Graeme's candid response of: "Fifty thousand quid!" annoying him even more.
Sixteen days after the Goodies have been trapped in their office under a block of concrete, there is a news bulletin on TV about the Goodies' continued protest against the Kew Gardens redevelopment scheme with a special message of congratulations from the Queen after a quick microphone check: "Testing, one two, ooh! Dear Tim, Bill ... (rather disdainfully) and the other one … ! (as Tim & Bill smirk and gesture at Graeme) We must say that we are most pleased that in this day and age Englishmen are still prepared to sacrifice their lives for their principles." The Queen then concludes her televised speech with: "Goodbye" and Bill rather casually replies: "Yep, au revoir", only for the Queen to sternly respond: "No, goodbye!" The Queen's attitude is indeed news to the Goodies and particularly to an indignant Tim, who grumbles "Sacrifice our lives?! I thought she was gonna get us out!"
After a further 1 year, 7 months, 4 days, 3 hours, 5 minutes and 10.3 seconds of waiting to be rescued, Bill and Tim are in a rather drunken state and Graeme is far from impressed with their behaviour and appearance: "For heaven's sake, you two! If anyone saw you … you look ridiculous!" In Tim's words, Graeme is "not a happy fuzzy-chops" because when the Queen appears at the Goodies' impending release, she will most likely put OBE's around the necks of Bill and Tim, but according to Graeme "she's going to chop my head off … clunk!" for his part in the monstrous Kew Gardens redevelopment scheme.
At the supposed moment of the rescue party drilling through the concrete and the Queen greeting the trapped Goodies, Graeme says "Goodbye old friends", dons a blindfold, bows his head and yells "C'mon, get it over with. Chop it off!" Bill is wearing a tie over his Goodies t-shirt and Tim has a flower pot on his head as a hat (while wearing torn pants that Bill has been cleaning his sax with), but there is stunned silence as neither the Queen nor anyone else has come to rescue them.
In 'The Goodies Rule OK' special, the Goodies are to receive their long-awaited OBEs for "services to the British music industry" from the Queen in a royal garden party at Buckingham Palace. The Goodies arrive in fine style aboard the trandem in their suits and top hats) but they find that the bucketing rain and gushing tears from the miserable upper class folk ("Oh heck, they're all at it now!") are trying to spoil the "sunniest day of my life", as Tim puts it. Bill makes light of the gloomy situation by skimming plates across the water with a big grin on his face; not caring about the flipper-clad PM, a waterlogged bugle call and an ever-deepening inland sea of waist-high water. The Goodies are asked to "Kindly kneel" and are presented with their gongs underwater by a duck-diving Queen; then row a boat out past a salute from the sunken bearskin hat of a guard at the gate of a superbly submerged Buckingham Palace.
In the futuristic episode '2001 and a Bit', young Bill Brooke-Taylor praises living in the "golden age of Jolly King Charles" and unveils a rather interesting portrait of an aged Prince Charles in the process. Tim Garden is rather unimpressed however; sneering: "That buffoon?! You wait 'til his program drops out of the Top 10. Then he'll be out on his ear. (chuckles) At least he'll have a soft landing! Ear, ear!", but an offended Bill hastily says to Charles' portrait: "Don't listen to him! My father will always be grateful for his OBE, thank you!" while Tim's eyes roll in disbelief.
In 'Earthanasia' Graeme calls Minicabs at 11:54 in a bid to join the revellers in Trafalgar Square just as news footage is being screened of the Royal family escaping the impending big bang by blasting off in a rocket ship from Sandringham. There is no such escape for Graeme though as even his taxi cab won't be picking him up for another ten minutes yet!
After all of the government and opposition MPs resign and head to the Bahamas in 'Politics', the BBC news bulletin reports that the Queen is due to make a statement soon. Bill answers the phone in the Goodies office and tells the frantic caller "Oh belt up, you old gasbag!" before he hands it over to Tim, who is shocked to find that it is the Queen on the other end of the line. After a rather informal chat with the Queen (in agony aunt-style – "no more gossips on a Friday afternoon over tea and scones ... scOnes, really?"), Tim finds out that the Queen wants another PM (rather than another scOne!), but after he initially refuses politely (then answers "No, I don't particularly want to be beheaded at the moment ...!"), he offers to find a new leader for the country after the Queen has slowed down her speech and asked "I said, who will come forward to govern this country of mine? (dramatically, in cartoon-style) Waah, waah, waah … !"
Later in the episode, "Vanessa" (Bill in drag!) is outlining her working class policies to ad-man Graeme; one of which is "First we will sell the Queen. In fact she's already on her way to Disneyland!", with accompanying footage of a wooden crate being shipped off with a hand regally waving from it.
'Saturday Night Grease' sees a dejected Tim returning to the Goodies office after being chucked out of yet another disco and Bill figures that Tim is only doing his embarrassing disco dress-up routine in the forlorn hope of picking up a date. Bill probes: "You're after smut, aren't you?! Hoping you'll pick up some trollop in one of those smoky dives you go to!" Tim points towards a red velvet curtain in his section of the office and vehemently declares "She is not a trollop!" and Bill thinks that he is talking about the Queen and indignantly replies "She?! You wouldn't catch her going into one of those places, mate! She's a really nice …" as he walks over to part the curtain and reveal her portrait. Bill's initial suspicion of Tim's motives is then partly confirmed as he is shocked to discover that the curtain hides a portrait of Olivia Newton-John instead; gasping "That's not the Queen!"
The final send-up of the Royal Family by The Goodies comes in Series 8 episode 'A Kick in the Arts' where Tim has joined the ranks of the impoverished Olympic athletes (thanks to Graeme and Bill fleecing him at Graybungles Casino) and resorts to crime to make ends meet. The athletes menacingly prowl the streets conducting muggings and robberies with their athletic equipment and Tim morphs into the notorious 'Masked Shot-putter'. He even has the audacity to rob the Queen of her tiara in a brazen raid on her limousine as it slowly rolls along a crowd-lined street; with her exclaiming in a startled manner afterwards: "Who was that masked athlete?!"
However British Olympic Team Manager Tim soon gets his comeuppance on the victory dais at the Olympics, as when the Queen steps forth to present him with a medal, she remarks "He's the one, officer. The Masked Shot-putter!" Tim's trousers drop to his ankles (revealing his prison uniform) and he scoots off along the track to the theme music from the 'Benny Hill Show', as Bill, Graeme and the Royal party jam away on brass instruments in a final serenade!
That just about covers all of the individual pot shots at the Royal Family in The Goodies; however I'm not quite finished yet as there is also an entire Goodies episode devoted to sending up the Royals: namely the Series 7 episode 'Royal Command'. A detailed write-up of the plot and classic scenes and quotes can be found in The Goodies Episode Summaries, but the following points are some of the main highlights from the episode.
- The Queen making a suitably dignified regal entrance along the red carpet to the Royal Variety Show at the London Palladium - at least until she accidentally opens the door to the gent's loo, prompting rapid evasive action from a stunned Bill and Graeme (who were otherwise occupied spending a penny), with Graeme jamming his hand in the door as he hastily tries to slam it shut!
- The Royals nodding off to sleep from the appallingly boring acts such as Val Doonican and Mike Yarwood at the first show, only to be kept awake by Bill and Graeme employing increasingly unorthodox means - starting out with tapping them on the shoulder and shouting "Wakey wakey!", moving on to pelting them with fruit, loudly ringing bells in their ears, then graduating to blasting them with fire hoses and firing revolvers in the air!
- The Royal Family requesting that the Goodies provide a second Variety Show that is "an evening of spectacle and entertainment like what kings and queens used to enjoy in the good old days"; with Tim reading the list of requests that the Royal Family has provided and gasping "We can't do that!" in horror, but Bill reminding him that there is "No choice matey, it's Royal command!" The second concert is a resounding success, with verbose host Graeme enthusiastically overseeing the torture and ritual humiliation of a number of thoroughly deserving so-called entertainers to a delirious and rowdy audience of well-to-do royalty and lorded gentry. The entertainment includes Max Bygraves only having time to utter "I wanna tell you a story …" before rapidly disappearing from view through a trapdoor, and the "Antipodean apogee of artistic Apo deixis", Rolf Harris, having the Queen's decree of "Off with his didgeridoo!" carried out by Beefeater Bill wielding a huge spear to satisfy the audience's bloodlust after he has been boring them to tears with his wobbleboard-playing and singing of 'Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport'.
- Graeme, appointed as the 'Queen's Own Master of Entertainment', revealing that the Royal Family have "decided to take an active interest in showbiz"; starting off in a small way by taking over the BBC!
Tim: (reading the 'Royal Radio Times'): Look what they've done to the schedules! Showjumping, Horse of the Year Show, Horse of the Day Show, Horse of the Minute Show! ... Racing from Newmarket, Racing to Newmarket ...!"
Graeme: "Yeah, they're quite partial to horses, you know."
Tim (in disbelief): "You're telling me! Look, 7:00 Dad's Cavalry, 7:30 Rock Fillies, 8:00 Ponyrama with Dobbin Day ... ! Whatever's next?!"
Next happens to be Graeme's bright idea of 'The Amazing Tumbling Royals' equestrian thrills on ice, but this is a complete flop, with the members of the Royal Family breaking every bone in their bodies and being laid up in hospital swathed in plaster and bandages.
- Tim (visiting the hospital): "Are (the Royal family) really cross, Bill?"
Bill: "Well put it this way. One is not amused. ... Two are bloody furious, and the other just wants Harry Secombe's autograph!"
- The Goodies performing as Royal stand-ins seeing as "the show must go on". Tim gracefully takes over as Queen in the interim, although his attempts to "do the voice" (multiple attempts at saying "My husband and I …", including one in his Lady Constance voice) are described as "rotten by Graeme, who just can't decide whether to be "him" (in Prince Philip's military-style navy jacket) or "her" (while also wearing Princess Anne's pale dress) "or I could be a bit of both" (doing a very silly combination of the walks of the two Royals, to which an unimpressed Tim deadpans "Yeah I think you could.") before Graeme finally settles on being "her". Meanwhile Bill initially disguises himself as a corgi (in his Cuddly Scamp suit from 'Frankenfido') before he is forced to be "Young Him" as Tim tells him that he "must look recognisably regal and not funny" (then plonks a crown featuring gigantic flapping ears onto Bill's head!)
- Graeme (as Princess Anne) being annoyed that the Coronation re-run will clash with a more important commitment of his: "Look, one's got an Olympic trial this afternoon at 3 o'clock and one is jolly well not going to miss it. One was not consulted when they fixed up this beastly Coronation, so stuff them!" Also Bill removing his cloak to reveal his own Coronation outfit as selected from Prince Charles' wardrobe – a red clown nose ("I found it in his bumper fun box, y'know!") and a tweed suit with a gaudy multicoloured patchwork shirt ("It's all his gear, mate!") – much to Queen Tim's horror and displeasure. The wonderfully humourous character portrayals of the Royals by the Goodies are a real highlight in general, with Tim making an elegantly bossy Queen (even if he just couldn't manage to get the "My husband and I" voice right!), Graeme doing a brilliantly haughty, horsey Princess Anne (with lines such as "But one always wears this hat!" and "See if one cares!" typical of his defiant attitude), and Bill as a cheeky, chucklesome Prince Charles ("Well it's the sort of thing he'd wear because he's funny" … "He's into wacky surrealist humour") with the added help of a crown with a huge pair of ears attached to it!
- Tim eventually grabbing the crown and fleeing on horseback, as the Royals commandeer a coach and a cannon roars to start the race between the two parties. This includes a steeplechase which features dummies of three British politicians and Princess Graeme comes a cropper on top of Margaret Thatcher when his horse baulks ("She's refused, and who could blame her!") while Queen Tim puts his ceremonial orb to good use as a hand grenade to dismount another Royal and Prince Bill flaps his big ears and jacket, spins his propeller bow tie and launches himself above the crowd-lined streets to unhitch the horses from the coach carrying the last remaining Royal who has taken the crown.
- Tim (now the new Queen of England) posing for a Royal portrait (alongside Prince Bill and Princess Graeme), but sparing a thought for the former Royal Family as he ruefully comments "It's sad that they're out of a job." Bill dismissively replies "On, come on, they're not doing too bad" as he switches the TV on to catch the Goodies' "favourite program" -'The Royals', which features the former Royal family members trundling up the road aboard a four-seater trandem with training wheels!
The Goodies send-ups of the Royal Family were always done in a fairly gentle manner; making fun of the likes of Prince Charles' ears, Anne's love of horses and the Queen's voice rather than anything really nasty or vindictive and they added plenty of fun and humour to many episodes of the show. It was great that Prince Charles was a fan of The Goodies and it would have been an amazing comedy coup if he had been allowed to appear as himself in the 'Scatty Safari' episode all those years ago. Still an unofficial seal of Royal approval for the show is a pretty lofty recommendation all the same.
A burglar by Royal appointment
A masked "Young Him" playing polo
Black Rod delivers a Royal message
Special - Goodies 5 Minute Travelling Instant Christmas
Tim gives the Queen's Christmas speech
3/1 The New Office
Tim displays his card of Prince Charles
Tim salutes his poster of the Queen
3/5 For Those In Peril On The Sea
The Royal children conduct the boat launch
Princess Anne swinging from the magnum
4/5 Goodies In The Nick
"Foul Mouthed Phil's" drawing on the cell wall
Looks like the Royal Family have been in here after all!
Bill is suitably impressed with the "Royal Flush"!
5/6 Scatty Safari
The Queen makes her urgent proclamation
The happy couple and their OBE-laden attendants
5/8 Lighthouse Keeping Loonies
Tim's "closest yet" encounter with the Queen and Prince Philip
Photofits of the two main suspects for the theft of the Jolly Rock Lighthouse
5/10 Cunning Stunts
Bill receives a "Royal Flash" while out on news patrol
5/11 South Africa
The "new Queen" waves to Tim and the crowds
5/13 The End
Tim dictates a letter to the Queen
Ready for the Queen's impending arrival
Special The Goodies Rule OK
Receiving OBEs at the Royal garden party
The Goodies leave Buckingham Palace
6/6 2001 And A Bit
Jolly King Charles in the year 2001 and a bit!
The Royal Family escapes the end of the world
Tim on the phone to the Queen
The Queen is shipped off to Disneyland by Vanessa
8/2 Saturday Night Grease
"She is not a trollop!"
8/3 A Kick In the Arts
"Who was that masked athlete?!"
"That's him, Officer. The Masked Shotputter!"
7/5 Royal Command
Waking the Royals at the first Variety Show
Happy Royals at the second Variety Show
The injured Royals in hospital
The new Royal Family
A right Royal argument between Queen and Princess
"Old Him" and "Young Him"!
The new Royals on the palace balcony
Queen Tim dubs a Royal
Prince Bill takes off!
The former Royals have a new job!