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GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #27 – SPANK THAT HAMSTER
(from C&G #135 February 2007)
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review.
WHO?
Feeling decidedly jolly after finishing the previous music review of "Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me", Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) decided to sink to Santa's rather surreptitious standards and plant a piece of mistletoe above the door of the recording studio in the hope that all of his Christmases would come at once as well. However with Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay) deciding to give a Christmas kiss under the mistletoe a miss (try saying that quickly when you're a bit chrissed after Pissmas dinner … !) and Jane Fonda being otherwise engaged with Bill, it looked as though he'd lucked out until big Black Pudding Bertha came sauntering through the doorway instead. The now-desperate Emperor decided to "shake his boom" and pucker up anyway, despite the risk of a fearful eckythumping if things turned pudding-shaped like Bertha herself, however one smooch of her greasy lips, which tasted a bit like fish and chips, and they were both hooked. The Emperor promptly carted Bertha off on a journey of true enlightenment to the Mystic East Fish and Chip Shop, then afterwards on to Graybungles Casino where he planned to play blackjack all evening and poker all night!! However we'll have to interrupt his fun for the moment so that our two duck-drubbing DJs can bring you the next music review of "SPANK THAT HAMSTER", by The Goodies.
WHERE? WHEN?
"Spank That Hamster" can only be heard on the 70's album "The Goodies Beastly Record"
WHAT?
Lyrics: sung by Bill (with Tim as the hamster!) - very hard to decipher as Bill sings the song in a high-pitched "housewife" voice rather like his Fairy Puff demonstrator in the Westminster Machine Gun mock ad in episode 1/5 "The Greenies". An Earl and an OBE to Andrew Pixley for kindly supplying the proper lyrics sheet, as trying to transcribe the words from listening to the song is rather like trying to interpret Eddie Waring's rugby commentary!
It's Monday morning and I feel like a chewed-up sock
A houseful of animals telling me I gotta get up
Squeak, meow, bow wow wow, listen to my furry friends
Aw sweet, they help me on my feet again
I cuff the cat, spank the hamster, put my gerbil down
Drub the duck, thrash the goldfish, castigate the hound
Goad the goat, whack the walrus, box my budgie's beak
Pound the pup, mash the mouse and I'm ready for another week
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
(Spank, spank, spank that hamster.) (REPEAT x3)
[spanking noises and hamster squeaking in pain]
Oh I swing that kitten, throw him right through the door
He purrs and giggles 'cos he knows that's what he's for
Screech, growl, whimper and howl, the perfect way to start the day
Squawk, squeak, it really makes me feel okay
Slap the sloth, taunt the tadpole, stretch my ferret's tail
Flog the dog, tan the tortoise, tapdance on my snail
Punch the pooch, pluck the pigeon, trample on my terrapin
Stuff that gibbon, spank that hamster, then do it all over again
(Spank, spank, spank that hamster. Spank, spank, spank, spank him now)
[spanking noises and hamster squeaking again, then saying "Spank me! Spank me! Ooh! Eee! Ooh! That's better now!"]
(Spank, spank, spank that hamster.) (REPEAT x4)
(Spank, spank, spank, spank) (REPEAT x4)
Bash the pooch (Spank, spank)
Pluck the pigeon (Spank, spank)
Slap the tadpole (Spank, spank)
Spank that hamster (Spank, spank) (REPEAT x9)
Most households happily host a pet or two, whether it's a conventional cat and dog, a flotilla of fish, a lounging lizard or even a funky ferret. However the "housewife" in this song isn't content with just a couple of furry friends; she's got her own ruddy private zoo of all creatures great and small, which no doubt creates a few attendant problems. As well as the constant cacophony depriving her of a good night's sleep, the food bill would even put a dent in Bill Gates' personal fortune, not to mention the after-effects which would make the dodo come up smelling like roses by comparison. So how does she keep her collection of critters in line so that she has enough time to do all her washing with Fairy Puff, make those cheap phone calls while nobody is home, cook up Heanz Meanz Beanz for her schoolboy son and try the fingertip slimming test? By sheer malicious, spiteful, vindictive, unmitigated brutality, that's how! As soon as she drags her fat housewife's bum out of bed it's time to terrorise the little furballs who have broken her beauty sleep by beating the living tripe out of them, possibly even with a black pudding to boot. Goldfish are thrashed, pooches are punched, terrapins are trampled, the RSPCA hotline is on the nosy neighbour's speed dial … but it all seems to be worth it just to keep the house running like clockwork. Lots of work clocking things, in fact!
WHY?
(Peaches Stiletto):
This song is addictive, just as addictive as Mr. Oddie’s apparent need to kick domestic (and some non-domestic) animals around to keep them in line. This is understandable . . . if I’d spent hours in the wee morning shivering in the cold on some bleak patch trying to spot a wee titmouse only to find oneself unable to make a proper identification, I might feel inclined to kick around a few feathered and furry friends when I got home, too. The fact he’s hiding behind the persona of a frustrated housewife is irrelevant . . . housewife birders get frustrated, too! The ASPCA might be able to overlook the necessary discipline to keep such a menagerie in line but they might have some questions about just how *many* animals Mrs. Oddie is housing in one domicile. Surely there are laws governing just how many animals one can keep at a time? Might have to decide between the kitten and the walrus there, sir (but then maybe that’s why the kitten is going out the door!). Now I can see the more liberal of our readers growing pale at this discourse . . . but let’s face facts . . . abusing animals is funny (at least in the context of song or skit or parody or pantomime). Just look at the laughs garnered from cat abuse on behalf of Monty Python, or the screams of hilarity watching Fluffy the dog get his in There’s Something About Mary. Sorry PETA, but there it is. Just don’t spank the monkey . . . it might scratch you in the eyes and you’ll go blind (but everybody knows that!).
(Emperor Caligula):
"Three strikes and you're out" may well be the rule for baseball, but it seems to be "One strike and you're out cold" if you mess with this harsh, heartless housewife. Her so-called "furry friends" seem to run smack bang into strife frequently, and cop more than their right whack, so you'd feel very a-flayed if you were her enemy! Size doesn't seem to matter either, as even the walrus comes in for a thumping, though its fate is no doubt still preferable to that of the tapdanced-on snail and mashed mouse. The song itself isn't nearly as big a hit as those dealt out this horrible housefrau though, as it's a bit slap-dash and the soft disco-style music doesn't have the clout of many of the other boppy Beastly Record songs. Mostly it relies on the "Kindness costs nothing but cruelty is more fun" approach which is a bit below the belt for animal lovers and even the lines which might raise a laugh are difficult to pick up clearly. This is because Bill's high-pitched "housewife" voice adds a more whack-y aspect to things, but also makes it very hard to understand the lyrics which detracts from the enjoyment of the song. In fact the main thing saving it from being cods-wallop in my opinion is the sadomasochistic streak of the hamster who by the end of the song is enjoying his spanking far more than he probably should be. Look out if the household pussy cat becomes similarly aroused by a bit of rough treatment though … Mrs Slocombe will be even harder to shut up about it than the nosy neighbour!
HOW!
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
IIII Officially Amazing (Peaches Stiletto)
II 1/2 Fair-y Goodymother (Emperor Caligula)
THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III - Goody goody yum yum.
II - Fair-y punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.
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