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GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #26 – FATHER CHRISTMAS DO NOT TOUCH ME
(from C&G #133 December 2006)
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review.
WHO?
After their last music review, Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) and Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay) had disguised themselves as a pantomime horse in a bid to put Uncle Butcher (than most) and his fellow hunters off the trail and stop them from terrorising every suburban backstreet, supermarket carpark and school drop-off zone aboard their massive 4WD steeds. Everything was going according to plan for the Emperor and Peaches until the Indians (disguised as parking inspectors) rounded them up for overstaying in a two hour zone and flogged them off to a Mr W.E.Oddie of Sunny Meadows farm. He intended to enter them in the Grand National at the attractive odds of 10,000 to 1 to win back the little bit of his own money, quite a bit of their money and all of your money that he had spent on erecting a gypsy-proof fence around his property to keep the blighters in (apparently their fiddle playing and singing is the best thing for scaring the mice away from his stables). However Tim's teary run across the meadow distracted him for long enough for the Emperor and Peaches to make a run for it (losing the Grand National in an extended photo finish in the process) and so before they get chained to Santa's sleigh to help with the present delivery run to recoup their losses, we'll cross over to your dirty-minded DJs and their review of "FATHER CHRISTMAS DO NOT TOUCH ME" by The Goodies.
WHERE? WHEN?
"Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me" can be heard on the 70's albums "The Goodies Greatest", "Best Of … The Goodies" and "The Goodies Greatest Hits", as a single (with "The Inbetweenies" on the flip side) and on the 1997 CD "Yum Yum … The Very Best Of The Goodies"
WHAT?
Lyrics:sung by Bill, with contributions from Tim and Graeme, to the tune of the "Battle Hymn Of The Republic"
At twelve o'clock on Christmas Eve, she tiptoed up the stairs
She stood beneath the mistletoe and combed her silken hair
Then Santa Claus slipped down the flue and caught her unawares
And this is what she said, Ohhhhhhhh
Father Christmas do not touch me, Father Christmas do not touch me
Father Christmas do not touch me, as she stood beneath the mistletoe
"Oh my name is Father Christmas" he informed her as he met her
She said "Good grief, it's seven years since I sent you a letter!"
He said "I can't stand little girls, BIGGER ONES ARE BETTER!!"
And this is what she said, Ohhhhhhhh
Father Christmas do not touch me, Father Christmas do not touch me
Father Christmas do not touch me, as she stood beneath the mistletoe
Father Christmas do not touch …, Father Christmas do not touch …
Father Christmas do not touch …, as she stood beneath the mistletoe
Father Christmas do not …, Father Christmas do not …
Father Christmas do not …, as she stood beneath the mistletoe
Father Christmas do …, Father Christmas do …
Father Christmas do …, as she stood beneath the mistletoe
Father Christmas …, Father Christmas …, Father Christmas…!
As she stood beneath the mistletoe
Father …, Father …, FATHER…!!
As she stood beneath the mistletoe
Faaa …, Faaa …, FAAA …!
As she stood beneath the mistletoe
He's a most immoral Santa, he's a most immoral Santa,
He's a most immoral Santa, as she stood beneath the mistletoe
(Ho ho ho, ho ho ho!)
Oh (rein) dear-y me! This one really belongs on the "Nothing To Do With Us" album along with those other equally naughty Goodies tunes about constant farting, cactuses in the crotch, rampant drug use, and screwing everything in sight. However it somehow escaped and popped up on several of their mainstream releases, and just in time for the festive season too. This jolly little number sounds like the kind of bawdy rugby song that Reverend Llewellyn and his Welsh Druids would launch into with gusto after a big win in the Ecclesiastical Sevens tournament, while skolling a pot of beer for each ever-decreasing verse. Bad old Santa has snuck down the chimney and reckons that all of his Christmases have come at once when he spies a pretty young lass parked beneath the mistletoe, fulfilling his own motto that it's far more fun to give than to receive by trying to get his Claus around her. He'd better watch out though, for Mrs Claus will surely sleigh him if she ever finds out what he's been up to on the side – at the very least, she'd make sure that his bells didn't jingle anymore afterwards! Pity Desiree Carthorse if she decided to turn off her TV because it kept featuring titillating closeups of Robert Dougall's lips and switched on her radio instead on Christmas Eve – she would freak out and think that this song was "Obscene, dirty, squalid, scabrous, salacious, lewd, randy, rude, outrageous, lubricious ... and a bit off!" … and she'd be right on, baby!
WHY?
(Peaches Stilletto):
Saint Nick has more than just a lump of coal waiting for one unsuspecting "little" girl this Christmas, confirming what we've known all along . . . old men who repeatedly ask children to sit on their laps cannot be trusted. Of course in this day and age Father Christmas can probably access countless websites to satisfy his annual whims (which would probably save him from countless litigations and failed political ambitions). No one could argue after numerous trips down countless chimneys that Santa is a dirty old man. Regarding the song itself, our musical heroes reached into the depths of degradation for this yuletide ditty and produced a number which manages to bastardize Christmas and the Battle Hymn of the Republic all in one go. This tune surely must rival "Bingo" in the category of "song most likely to drive parents completely bonkers." Only imagine the insurmountable horror of having your pre-pubescent kiddie-winkies belting out this number repeatedly over the Queen's Speech, complete with orgasmic moans. Oh sure, the wee tots may not have any idea what they're actually singing about but really, would any Christmas be complete without sexually suggestive refrains being shouted at the top of Tiny Tim's lungs? Talk about making a daft noise at Christmas!
(Emperor Caligula):
Yule never believe this, but the North Pole is a ho ho ho-rribly lonely place for poor old Father Christmas for 364 nights of the year. What with Mrs Claus being rather frosty and often giving him the cold shoulder, it's every man for thems-elves … however Santa gets a bit bored of that after a while and longs for a touch of way-hey-hey and a spot of bunny fun just like any other red-blooded (and red-suited) bloke. So when he gets his one night of freedom a year, you can hardly blame him for looking at his lists of who's been naughty and who's been nice, shrugging his shoulders in disdainful resignation, writing his own name on the naughty list and going off to do something to justify it seeing as he won't be receiving any presents from himself! The song is rather open-ended as to exactly what he does get up to, though one assumes that he's not known as St. Knickerless for nothing! While the subject matter is definitely "a bit off", the strident tune and delivery of the lyrics makes this number a real Goodies guilty pleasure, and I have great difficulty in singing along to it without at least cracking a grin and having a few naughty thoughts that would require a confessional with Bill just before the world ends at midnight.
HOW!
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
II 1/2 Fair-y Goodymother (Peaches Stiletto)
III 1/2 Amazingly Goody – with not-very-nice connections! (Emperor Caligula)
THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III - Goody goody yum yum.
II - Fair-y punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.
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