Tim walks out of 'Graybags Pet Shop' with a 'Barbara Woodhouse Dog Training Kit' under his arm (as Graeme hangs a 'sold out' sign on his door) and heads into the men's toilet; only to emerge from the women's loo dressed as Barbara (in one final gender-bender role with white hair, black glasses and rather dowdy top and skirt.) Barbara unwraps a brown paper parcel on the park lawn which contains her new dog (Terrance from the earlier Animals episode on the BBC), but her commands (in a very strange high-pitched authoritative voice) for the dog to do various tricks fall on deaf ears (as Terrance sits there impassively just like in his previous appearance). However Bill and several other men who wander through the park all obey Barbara's's commands (such as "beg", "fetch, "lie down" and "die for the Queen") to the letter, much to the interest of Graeme, who watches all of this take place through binoculars from the doorway of his shop.
Barbara returns to the shop and complains in a nutty voice that "I do not like this dawg" that Graeme has given to her. Graeme says that he is "Very sorry, Madam" (and casually stuffs the dog in a rubbish bin behind the counter!) and Barbara asks him if he has "another dawg" for her. Graeme replies "No, I'm afraid all the dawgs have gawn" (mocking Barbara's accent), but shows her his new line of pets - a bunch of people dressed as dogs in a pen. Barbara is initially taken aback "Those aren't dawgs, they're pipple!") but after Graeme convinces her that the new dogs are obedient (after he threatens them with a big stick!) and adorable, Barbara chooses Bill (despite Graeme's surprised query of "What?! The little ugly one! … the runt of the litter!") and takes him out for "walkies". After this success, Graeme changes the signage to 'Graybags Person Shop', and rapidly sells out of people assortedly dressed as dogs, mice, parrots, gibbons and other animals.
Tim is peacefully asleep in bed (having shed his Barbara Woodhouse disguise), but he gets a rude awakening when Bill the dog tires of his basket and launches himself onto Tim's bed instead; just as he used to do when he was a little puppy. However the cuteneess and novelty of pet ownership have now worn off and Tim firmly tells Bill to "Get down!" (in his voice and Barbara's) as Bill laments that Tim no longer calls him a "lovable scamp" or other revoltingly cute pet names (like "pooky boos"), lets him sleep on the bed or tickles his tummy ("You used to think I was cute. You've got bored with me, haven't you?") like he did when it was puppy Bill's duty to "get tangled up in the toilet rolls and chew your slippers". Bill is desperate to go out for walkies (as his litter tray is full due to Tim's neglect) and howls mournfully when a restless Tim plays a rather creaky 'Land of Hope and Glory' on the violin, but Tim angrily smashes the violin over Bill's head and nastily tells him "You want to go walkies? I'll take you on the longest walkies of them all!" as he ultimately decides to dump a worried Bill into the river in the dead of night.
Luckily for Bill, the combination of his big sad brown eyes and plaintive whining proves too much and Tim just can't bear to drown him, and so apologises. Tim then narrates a visual sequence which lectures that "At Christmas time, there is no more endearing present than a cuddly little puppy" as Bill is shown with a family of adoring young children who give him attention and every material thing that he desires, but the dog is often unwanted and mistreated by the time that the children go back to school. Eventually the human dogs and other animals are dumped or escape, and there are thousands of strays who were "once somebody's pet, they're now almost entirely wild" that are scrounging around the old "bomb sites and rubbish tips of London".
Tim forms the TSPCP (Tim's Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to People) in a bid to "round up all of these wretched creatures" and take them to a better life at the Battersea Mans Home, with a view to adopt them out to a loving family as part of his 'Give a Man a Home' campaign. Unfortunately Tim's collection program is so successful that he soon has far too many stray human animals to care for and doesn't know what to do with them all. Meanwhile Graeme is packing his surplus animals into boxes in an alley when he takes a bite out of his tortoise and comes up with an idea for a whole new business venture - the 'Rumbling Tum' restaurant which offers a menu of 'carnivorous cuisine'. Tim is one of Graeme's first customers and notes during his chat with Graeme that "it's funny that with all of the stray people around, you never see stray animals these days" Graeme readily explains why (because customers just like Tim are eating them all!) and Tim is revolted when he realises that he has indeed been munching on pet animals in dishes like hamsterburgers and gerbil dumplings, as Graeme reveals that he will have to close down because there will soon be no stray animals left to eat.
Graeme also suggests that Tim should put some of his oversupply of stray people to work doing the jobs which the animals used to do before people like Tim ate them all. A News at Ten bulletin reports that food shortages have hit the nation's supermarkets, though "supplementary food supplies" are being flown in as "a gift from the people of China" – a rather large panda to feed the masses! Tim (now "a leading philanthropist and person with shiny shoes"!) initiates Graeme's "brilliant" idea and appears on the news bulletin as it is announced that he has saved all of the Battersea stray humans from being put down on the weekend by getting people to employ them as working animals (including police dogs, guard hooligans, homing pigeons and horses to tow the Royal carriage). The London Zoo is also revitalized as crowds flock there to witness "the fun and games of the accountants' tea party" and to "enjoy the antics of a redundant BBC Symphony orchestra" in one of the former animal enclosures, while one of the few drawbacks of the scheme is that "we're having a spot of bother with coal miners in the lawn" (who have dug a pit and created a big mullock heap)
Over a hundred strays have also been sent to 'Dr. Graybungles Person Farm', but as Tim details what will happen to them there ("Well I suppose they'll do the same as any other farm animal – they'll be put in the fields and looked after and fattened up and sent to the butchers and … butchers?!"), he gives a horrified shriek when he realises their imminent fate and races to the farm to foil Graeme's plans. Graeme firstly has to deal with the demands of Bill and a team of bullocks, who are firstly bored with going "moo" all day (though when Graeme tells them that they can't possibly say "baa" or "quack quack", Bill cheekily asks "I suppose a 'cluck' is out of the question?!") and resent that "the vet has got cold hands". The bullocks are also "sick of eating grass all day" (even rejecting Graeme's offer of some hay for a "light refreshment") and "demand parity with the Japanese" bullocks, who apparently get "a free beer ration, music and massage".
Graeme declares that the bullocks' demands (for an increased ale supply of 8 pints per day (2 pints for each stomach!), a disco and a visiting masseuse!) "will be met in full from first thing tomorrow morning", but Tim (who enters after climbing through the window) tells the bullocks not to trust Graeme and his "silver-tongued promises". Graeme unintentionally reveals that he is giving the bullocks what they demand because "It improves the flavour of the meat", and although he almost manages to con Tim into doing his dirty work for him with a meat cleaver (by the imagery of "a big succulent juicy steak" from the slaughtered bullocks), he is forced to flee from the angry animals.
Graeme vows that "You'll never get me!" as he jumps out of the window and gallops away on a human horse as the bullocks also jump out (with Bill yelling "Geronimoo!" as he leaps!) and give pursuit. Tim has to finally resort to his Barbara Woodhouse persona again to track Graeme down with the help of two human bloodhounds (with Graeme's horse bucking him off into a pond after making a sudden stop on Barbara's command) and despite his use of marrows as horns and a plum as a nose to make himself look like a cow, Graeme is eventually isolated from the herd, roosted high in the air by a charging bullock and lands heavily among a flock of sheep people who are herded into a pen by the bloodhounds.
A trapped Graeme makes one last spectacular dive into a trough of sheep dip, but as he is surrounded by angry human animals, Graeme takes a deep breath and disappears below the water surface. Later when everything is "back to normal", Tim and Bill are seated underneath a tree ready to tuck into a huge pie at their picnic. Tim finds Graeme's glasses in his slice of pie and exclaims "You didn't ... did you, Bill?!" in a shocked voice, but Bill smiles, says "No!" and throws the glasses to a doggy Graeme, who is chained up to a kennel that has a prominent 'Beware Of The Looney' sign on it. The Bugs Bunny/Porky Pig style "That's All Folks!" cartoon theme then flashes onto the screen to end the amazing twelve year run of The Goodies.
CLASSIC QUOTES
* Tim (in bed): "Well, you're not sleeping on here anymore. You keep me awake chasing rabbits in your sleep."
Bill (as a dog): "They're not rabbits I'm chasing!" (laughs dirtily)
Tim (disgusted): "You randy little cur! You are permanently on heat, aren't you?!"
* Graeme (as waiter): "Didn't you read the menu?"
Tim: "Gerbil dumplings, hamsterburgers … I thought they were just nasty names you made up as a gimmick!"
Graeme: "No, no, no, Trade Descriptions Act!"
Tim (feeling sick): "Ooh!"
Graeme: "Those hamsterburgers are one hundred percent Nigel and Kenneth."
Tim: "Nigel and Kenneth?!"
Graeme: "Yes, you selected them when you came in."
Tim (shocked): "I was just saying hello!"
Graeme: "Well I'm sorry Tim, but wishing won't bring them back."
Tim (about to throw up): "Don't be too sure!"
* Graeme: "Tell you what, would you like some pickles?"
Tim (relieved): "Oh, pickles please!"
Graeme (calling a small dog while holding a huge knife in his hand!): "Here Pickles, c'mon Pickles!"
* Graeme: "Oh, before you go, don't forget your doggy bag."
Tim (suspiciously): And what's in that?"
Graeme (proudly): "Doggy!"
* Graeme (to his herd of human beef bullocks): "Oh you fools! This plan could have made us all rich! In some cases dead ... but rich!"
CLASSIC SCENES
* Barbara Woodhouse (Tim in drag) taking her new human dog Bill for a walk, including Bill pulling hard on the lead sniffing at everything along the way, chasing full-tilt after a moving car with Barbara in tow holding the leash, Barbara crashing heavily into a lamp post and then Bill shaping up to leave his mark on it afterwards until Barbara points out that there is a fine of 10 pounds for "fouling the pavement"!
* Tim taking Bill on "the longest walkies of them all" - a midnight trip to the river carrying Bill in a big bag with a massive brick attached to it, with Bill untying the rope and sending Tim on a huge leap into the river holding just the brick. Also Bill then using his "big sad brown eyes" and desperate whimpering to shame Tim into not dumping him; chuckling wickedly until an angry Tim turns around and prepares to drown him again, before turning on another burst of howling and sad expressions that draws waterworks from Tim in sympathy!
* The footage of Bill the puppy being given to a family with three young children as a Christmas present, especially Bill initially getting looked after with Moet in his waterbowl, a plate of steak and chips to eat, and a cigar and a Playboy magazine to enjoy while he is curled up in his basket, the kids later using him in "thoughtless games" - like the little girl twanging the elastic holding Bill's puppy nose on with quite a bit of force (which would have ruddy well hurt!) and the boys tying firecrackers to his tail. Also Bill's escape, where he races out across the road, causing a car to brake heavily and a cyclist to crash into the bonnet, with the cyclist and driver cursing Bill as he playfully gallops away!
* Tim dining at Graeme's 'Rumbling Tum Carnivorous Cuisine' eatery, including him munching away on hamsterburgers and gerbil dumplings as he thinks that the names are just a "nasty gimmick" until Graeme reminds him of the labelling obligations under the Trade Descriptions Act! Also Tim desperately trying to remove the taste by munching on a "twiglet" (only for Graeme to inform him that it's actually a stick insect!), wanting some pickles until Graeme prepares to slice up Pickles the dog with a big carving knife, and then getting a doggy bag (full of doggy, of course) from Graeme before leaving!
* The last Goodies mad chase scene, with Graeme fleeing from his enraged bullocks and other human farm animals, scattering nervous chukky hens, being bucked high into a pond by his horse, dodging bloodhounds under Barbara's command, getting splattered by duck eggs and being herded along with the sheep until being dunked in a sheep dip trough Plus the very final sequence of Bill and Tim eating a big pie and finding Graeme's glasses in it, with Graeme chained in a kennel appropriately labelled 'Beware of the looney!' and the 'That's all folks' cartoon ending.
GOODIES SONGS
Up Country
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
A reasonable episode to conclude the series (and indeed, the run of the show) with, but a little flat at times, as it is one of the very rare occasions that the Goodies get overly preachy about a topic (in this case, the dumping of unwanted animals) rather than relentlessly sending it up for all that it's worth. The Merry Melodies-style "That's all folks" ending is appropriate enough, but as previously mentioned, 'Change of Life' would have been a far more apt episode for the Goodies to sign off with.
BLACK PUDDING RATING
