To the classic disco rhythm of 'Night Fever', Tim dances into his bedroom and proceeds to remove his Union Jack waistcoat and trousers (heaving a sigh of relief as his corset slides to the floor!) and then takes his blond coiffure off and replaces it with a giant black hairpiece, which he slicks down with a copious amount of Grease (making him look rather like he has a skunk on his head!) Tim next slides on a pair of underpants with a rather large carrot motif at the front, followed by a purple shirt, which immediately loses all of its buttons (so he resorts to using the basin plug and chain as a necklace!) and after he rejects a baggy pair of pants, he eventually manages to squeeze into a pair of very tightly-fitting jeans (despite going almost purple in the face in the process).
In his fashionable attire and extendable shoes (plus a bucket in hand in which to store all of his excess hair grease!), Tim jives his way along a crowded street (with a change of backing music to 'Stayin' Alive') on his way to a fun night at a local discotheque, but unfortunately he is immediately thrown out of the disco that he tries to enter. Upon Tim's return to the office, he laments in a very high-pitched voice that "I dunno why. I've got the right gear, the right voice, all I want is … a bit of fun!" (with the final four words delivered in Tim's normal voice once Bill has undone his tight zip for him!) and a smirking Bill gets him to sing a few lines of 'Night Fever' while he messes around with Tim's zip a bit more (as a demonstration of voice control!)
Graeme and Bill find Tim's disco antics quite embarrassing (as although Tim claims that he feels as though he is "somebody" when he is out dancing, Bill crossly retorts "Somebody?! Well, whoever he is, he's a twerp!"), and Bill figures that Tim is only doing it in the hope of picking up a date. ("You're after smut, aren't you?! Hoping you'll pick up some trollop in one of those smoky dives you go to!") Tim vehemently declares "She is not a trollop!", but Bill's suspicion is partly confirmed when he discovers that Tim's portrait of the Queen has been replaced with one of Olivia Newton-John ("Oh gawd blimey, he's in love!") and Tim starts to sing 'Summer Lovin' while Bill and Graeme provide the backing ("Tell me more, tell me more" and "oom bop bop") until they come to their senses and retreat to their chairs again. Tim is still depressed because no clubs will allow him inside, so Graeme makes the suggestion that "tonight we'll all go dancing" to cheer him up. Bill remarks "But first, we need wheels" and the Goodies launch into a colourful rendition of 'Grease Cycling', only to succeed in making an almighty scramble of the trandem by the time that they finish.
Tim enters the office in John Travolta-style gear (a white three-piece suit and black open-necked shirt) ready to go out dancing, but he is promptly upstaged by Bill, who emerges in a tuxedo with enormously long tails on it. Bill claims that he is "wearing my taps" (a pair of shoes with water taps mounted on the uppers) and he also totes a golf bag full of fancy canes which he bounces onto the floor (forcing Tim to take a couple of good reflex catches in self-preservation!) Tim and Bill are both completely overshadowed by Graeme however, as he enters resplendent in a fancy pink dress and hat because "people would stare at us" if "three fellas" went out dancing together! Even though he finally has two chums to accompany him, Tim is still reluctant to go out because he doesn't know how to dance, so Graeme offers to teaches him some dance steps while Bill plans to "go out and find us a nice disco, even if I have to start one myself … hmm, that's an idea!"
Bill's parting comment before heading out the door is "Woooah, whaddya wanna bother with Livvy for when you've got him, hey?! (then spots Graeme's exposed legs) Look at those. Oh Bandy!", but Graeme gets on with the job and expertly teaches Tim how to do the trendy Disco Heave, though he is then utterly revolted by the prospect of "snogging ... with Aussie trollops!" after Tim gets carried away and amorously mistakes him for Livvy! An impatient Tim hot-headedly decides to go out dancing by himself (using his "smoky urban charm" for some "choreographed canoodling, heavy petting and I'm gonna do it my way!"), but he soon runs foul of the 'no mixed dancing' rule at the disco and is carted away by the police after he puts his arm around a lady while asking her for a dance (having already caused two lovely ladies to run away screaming after they have caught sight of his carrot motif undies when he tries to get the right voice pitch with his tight zipper!)
Meanwhile an orange-wigged Bill has opened up his very own 'Disco Bilius', which has already become the "hottest rendezvous in town" despite his entry requirements being so demanding that nobody is allowed inside; not even celebrities like Jackie Onassis (who is wearing a tie and bowler hat, and not wearing jeans, but hasn't brought "one Bianca Jagger" with her) and Rod Stewart (who is wearing one sock in a very strange place!) Bill does at least allow Graeme to enter his office and Graeme advises the slouched-over Bill that "You're a wreck. It's being rich that's caused it", to which Bill strongly disagrees (until removing a huge gold bar from a chain around his neck, which crashes through the table and floor below, then commenting that he "feels better already".) Graeme has come to break the news to Bill that Tim has been taken to prison for "touching a girl" and Bill comments that it "doesn't surprise me at all actually", before he asks Graeme "Where did he touch her?" Graeme's hushed reply of "In a disco!" causes Bill to drop several bottles of alcohol on the floor (although he claims that he isn't shocked - "I'm just into loud noises!"), but Bill is far more keen to find a "gimmick to lure people in" to his disco than to help Graeme to rustle up 5000 pounds to bail Tim out of the prison.
Amid the gleeful smashing of most of the glassware in his office, Bill decides to invoke "the ultimate gimmick – I shall be the first disco in town to start mixed dancing!" and he prepares to contact the BBC and organize a "televised mixed dancing contest" with prize money of 5000 pounds for the winner. A shocked Graeme tells Bill that nobody would be willing to degrade themselves and "dance together, mixed, in front of the cameras" and that his "competition would be declared null and void", though this would mean that the prizemoney donated by the BBC would go to an increasingly greedy Bill in any case. Bill tells Graeme to ring up and "order six dozen cardboard Bianca Jaggers" before he bolts out the door, however Graeme phones the prison instead and promises them the 5000 pounds bail money for Tim, although he won't be able to pay them until "tomorrow". Graeme exclaims "What, you've lost the keys to the straightjacket?! … and the ball and chain?! Look, never mind, I'll take him as he is … I need him for tonight!" and hangs up the phone with a fiendish grin (deftly catching a plastic pot - the single unbreakable thing in the whole office - which he has slammed into the desk with delight, before it rebounds and hits him in the face!)
The 'Panorama Disco Dancing Championships' are hosted by Mr Robin Yad (sporting a white hood over his head with glasses worn on the outside), who states that he is " not Robin Day, who'd certainly never appear on anything as degenerate as this … even if he did need the money, which I don't!" The news that the lack of mixed dancing entrants will result in the BBC keeping the prizemoney themselves riles Bill (who complains "Oi oi oi, I want it, I'm the organiser!" only to be told "You can't have it, I'm Robin Day! … Yad! An anagram, it's only an anagram!"), so he attempts to indulge in some mixed dancing himself with the help of an attractive lady who is hauled inside after plying her wares near the back entrance. However she cruelly flattens Bill's ambitions with several well-aimed swipes of her handbag, and the audience of anti-mixed dancing protesters and cardboard Bianca Jaggers seem to have won the day until an arrow spears into the base of the trophy to signify the arrival of a late entry. This sets off a "mixed dancing attempt" by "Tim Revolta" (complete with straightjacket and shackles) and the stunning "Olivia Newton-Grayboots" (with tight black jeans, killer high heels and a mop of frizzy hair) as they launch into a rickety rendition of 'You're The One That I Want', which is a huge hit with the "distinguished panel of judges" (in their legal wigs and gowns).
As Tim and Graeme come forth to collect their trophy and prizemoney, a disgusted Bill yells "It's supposed to be mixed dancing!" and pulls Graeme's wig off, which causes the judges to faint and the crowd to jeer "cheat" and "fraud". However Tim delivers a rousing speech (while he is trying to wriggle out of his straightjacket!) which defends the joys of mixed dancing ("It's man with woman, boy with girl, me with Livvy … !") and all present soon dance together (to the 'Tennessee Waltz') until half a dozen police charge into the disco to put a stop to it. The other participants all flee in the confusion (leaving only the Goodies cowering behind a cardboard Bianca to face up to the cops), but after they create a distraction with the 'Roller Hustle', the Goodies also make a dancing getaway along the street in 'West Side Story' fashion. The police soon corner them in stomping Village People style ("In the police force, you'll get blinking flat feet!"), but the Goodies escape again and dance their way across the sand (despite a sign telling them not to) only to be surrounded by the police doing an Indian rain dance. Down comes the rain and up go the umbrellas (black for the police, white for the Goodies), as they all skip along to the tune of 'Singing In The Rain', before the Goodies temporarily shake off the police again.
After a brief detour to "follow the the yellow brick road", the Goodies are grabbed from behind by the police and form a conga line, which marches through a carwash and emerges from the other end with the Goodies and police carrying seaweed rollers as 'grass skirts' to the tune of Hawaiian hula music. The Goodies finally gain a reprieve when they stop at Fred And Ginger's Cafe ('Sausages A Speciality') to rest their aching feet, but this respite is short-lived, as the police charge out of the cafe and do an energetic can-can before they proceed to slap the Goodies around violently. Eventually the Goodies are heaved high into the air by the police (along with a bevy of tables, chairs and umbrellas) and finally come to rest at the top of a huge pile of furniture with the police clustered around the base in an appropriately spectacular finale.
* Tim (about his love of disco dancing): "What am I? Just another middle-aged MCC member with a Union Jack waistcoat. But on a Saturday night, when I walk down the street with my flies open and a blob of Brylcreem on my hair ... everybody notices me!"
* Tim (angrily, regarding John Travolta): "Don't mention his name! I hate him 'coz he's got Livvy and I haven't!"
Bill (scornfully): Livvy, Livvy! You fancy that Australian plastic bint?! Hmm tell you something mate, I'd rather have Edna Everage. At least she's a real woman! (Graeme opens his mouth to correct Bill, but stops) What a fantasy world he lives in, hey?!"
* Tim: "Graeme, why are you dressed as a woman?!"
Graeme (in pink dress and hat): "What?! Three fellas going out dancing together?! People would stare at us!"
* Tim (about the "trendy" Twist): " ... you remember, they demonstrated it by pretending you're stubbing out two cigarettes with your feet while you're drying your back with a bath towel."
Graeme: "Oh yeah, that's right. Grandad told me about it!"
* Graeme (giving Tim instructions for the Disco Heave): "Imagine you're in a disco and somebody accidentally puts on a Max Bygraves record. You don't know which way to go to throw up! (Tim does heaving motions) Then the chap behind you tries to put his fingers in his ears, and accidentally spills the ice from his drink down your back. (Tim shivers and shakes, with teeth chattering) By now the ice has melted, so you have to shake the water out of your trouser legs (Tim shakes his legs and expresses discomfort) Leaving you with soggy underpants (Tim squelches around, again expressing discomfort) And finally, you step with your wet feet on an electric lead! (Tim leaps in the air and shouts "Whee!") Great! Try it to the music"
* Graeme (dressed as a woman): "Now do you know what to do next?"
Tim (hyped up, grabs Graeme and tightly hugs him): "Yes. I hold her close, I gaze into her eyes and say 'Dinkum, dinkum, dinkum! Speak to me in Aussie, you cheeky little jumbuck!'"
Graeme: (pushes Tim away, appalled): "You smutty pervert! Bill was right. Once and for all, I'm here to teach you dancing, not snogging."
Tim (offended): "Don't use that word, it's ugly!"
Graeme (sarcastically): "So? Snogging! Snnnogging … with Aussie trrrollops! Eeeew … eeeccccch! You have no scruples. I'm not teaching you!"
Tim: "No you're not teaching me, you're sending me up, right?"
(Graeme gives a cheeky grin and nod)
* Bill (regarding Rod Stewart entering Disco Bilius): "What, he's wearing one sock? On his what?! Oh that's pretty unusual, I'm surprised it fits actually! Still, tell you something, he's not coming in, no, no, no. He'd look absolutely ridiculous, dancing with a sock on his nose!"
* The opening sequence to the smash disco hits 'Night Fever' and 'Stayin' Alive' with Tim getting dressed in his groovy dancing gear, including an enormous black slickened hairpiece, ultra-tight crotch-crushing jeans and those unforgettable undies with the carrot motif (which were cause for much celebration as they finally drew an official complaint from Mary Whitehouse about the show a decade after she had embarrassingly praised it as being so nice and clean!) Also Tim's strutting down a busy street in his disco gear (to the amazement, bemusement and laughter of the general public who were watching!), making an unsuccessful pass at a lady who just keeps on walking, then stretching out his nifty white dancing shoes to a great length before getting unceremoniously chucked out of the disco into a pile of rubbish.
* Graeme, dressed gaudily in a frilly pink dress and matching hat, teaching Tim how to dance the 'Disco Heave'; with expert instructions of pretending to throw up at a Max Bygraves record, having ice spilt down his back, shaking the water out of his trouser legs, dealing with soggy undies and then stepping with his wet feet on an electric lead all being hilariously carried out by Tim to the extremely catchy tune.
* Tim strutting his funky stuff in the disco, firstly squeaking "Excuse me, may I have the pleasure of the next ..." to a pretty girl, before undoing his zip to ask the same question in a deep voice, only for her to catch sight of his carrot undies and run away screaming. He then has a similar effect on the next lass, before getting arrested for touching another girl and contravening the strict (if rather bizarre) 'no mixed dancing' regulations.
* Bill dragging in a lady of ill repute from the street in a desperate bid to win the 5000 pounds prizemoney in the mixed dancing contest (with Robin Yad saying "But whatever you do see, I'd be grateful if you keep it to yourselves and especially not tell anyone that I was here … and nor was Robin Day!"), only for her to brutally flatten him with her handbag after his failed attempts at three dances. Firstly Bill tries the 'Roller Roller Hustle' (on rollerskates, which ends when Bill is belted over the head and receives a score of zero from the judges), then the 'Pogo Tap' (where he enters without trousers and bouncing on a pogo stick with a huge shoe on the bottom of it, only for her to whack him in the groin and then on the head with her bag), and finally as Exploding Paso Doble (in lairy red Latin gear, prancing about before exploding himself with a detonator and dynamite into a shredded, blackened mess, then waving his arms about, singing Boney M's "By the rivers of Babylon ..." until she pours a bucket of water on him and then bowing his head in preparation for another clout from her handbag)
* The prize-winning duet of 'You're The One That I Want' by Tim Revolta and Olivia Newton Grayboots, with them having a great deal of trouble getting together. This is due to Tim crawling along the floor in a straightjacket (with a ball and chain around his ankle for good measure) and Livvy battling a lethal combination of very high heeled shoes and tight jeans as she makes her way down the multi-layered dance floor so that they can finally pair up for their mixed dancing.
* The superb final chase scene from the pursuing policemen encompassing some great visual effects and excellent use of a variety of musical and dance styles, including Broadway musicals, Hollywood films, disco, Indian rain dances, the conga, Hawaiian hula and the can-can among others.
Maria Eldridge, Chris Eymand, Spencer Shires, Okon Jones, Sandy Strallen, Mark White, David Machin
You're The One That I Want
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
A truly classic send-up of the Grease/Saturday Night Fever disco days in the late '70's, which is my favourite style and era of pop music. However even after all these years, I still can't listen to the real versions of 'Night Fever', 'Stayin' Alive' or 'You're The One That I Want' without cracking up at the thought of Tim's carrot undies, tight jeans and streetwalk or Tim Revolta and Olivia Newton Grayboots having such desperate trouble reaching each other for a dance. Legendary stuff indeed!
BLACK PUDDING RATING