The Official Goodies Rule - OK! Fan Club Website

The weekend has arrived at last and it's time for the Goodies to indulge in their various leisure pursuits. Graeme prefers to "disappear into the peace and tranquility of a good book", but Bill prefers something far more active and noisy. He tries a spot of music, soccer and birdwatching (all at the same time!) until a fed-up Tim can no longer stand the din and sabotages Bill's equipment. Bill returns the favour and rapidly destroys Tim's attempts to tap dance and practice ping pong, again at the same time ("If you're not going to indulge my harmless leisure pursuits, then I'm blowed if I'm gonna indulge yours!") Tim and Bill are now both utterly bored and start to pester Graeme, who has been so absorbed in his book that he hasn't even noticed the racket going on around him.

After a failed attempt to entertain Tim and Bill with his "patent compendium of home entertainment" (a TV set which contains a gramophone, a piano keyboard and also does the washing!) Graeme reveals that his book is all about the Stone Age, and that "even today in London you can find traces of primitive uncivilized man" ("Oh yes, Cricklewood, Kneesden …" according to a cheeky Bill!) Graeme also surmises that there are "ancient subterranean tunnels leading to primitive cave dwellings under this very room" and soon proves his theory when he falls down a deep shaft underneath the rug. Tim peers down the hole and remarks "Good grief, I can't see the bottom", to which Bill promptly replies "I can't see any of him!"

The echoes and time delay between the surface and the bottom of the shaft play havoc with communications between Graeme and Tim to the extent that it even sounds as if Graeme has broken "hundreds of bones, a couple of skulls and a tusk" in his fall, as well as developing some rather odd dietary and dress habits. After three whole weeks, Tim insists on performing a rescue according to the book 'Let's Go Potholing' and so he secures himself on the surface as the anchorman, with ropes tied to various items of office furtniture. Meanwhile Bill has dressed in a bulky orange potholing suit with pockets and padding everywhere, but Tim tells him that "It says in the book, wear as little as possible." Bill replies "Yes well if you think that I'm going down a little dark hole with you in my undies, forget it!", so Tim leaves him be and appropriately reads aloud from his book: "The other man will go down the hole. He is known as the reckless loony!"

Bill gets horribly tangled up halfway down the shaft, tugs hard at the ropes in panic and firstly pulls Tim's trousers off; then drags him forcefully down the hole head-first, along with a heap of furniture and other items. During his long wait for rescue, Graeme has made several important discoveries, including a tiny ape with a massive brain (which became extinct because "it kept falling over!"), heaps of stone tools and a human skeleton which more closely resembles a rocking horse when he puts it together to a lively rendition of 'Dem Bones' from Bill and Tim. Graeme tells the others that these items are "all proof that this was once the home of the most primitive of man" (to which a shocked Bill replies "Not Lovelace Watkins!") while Tim revives memories of his O-level Archaeology (which he "damn nearly passed"!) in a Mastermind-style segment with Bill, only to find that a bunch of stalactites are in fact the teeth of a giant extinct Tyrannosaurus rex (complete with a gold filling!), which clamp shut and trap the Goodies inside.

Upon sliding down into the stomach, the Goodies find the remains of the dinosaur's last meal, including "one sabre-toothed tiger, one buffalo off the bone and a cheese and chutney sandwich" (that belonged to a local potholing expert who had mysteriously disappeared a couple of years beforehand and had perished there in the stomach). Tim and Graeme resolve to pool resources to survive, though an indignant Bill declares "You're not pooling mine!" as he selfishly guards the contents of his many pockets, though the others are able to extract a massive flagpole and Union Jack (which Tim patriotically salutes) from one such pocket. Feelings of panic soon give way to utter boredom, as there is "surprisingly little to do in a stomach", so Tim and Bill indulge in a hotly-disputed game of verbal football (while Graeme uses a skull for a computer to work on an escape plan) and Bill tries to entertain himself with various noisy pastimes until Graeme tells him to be quiet.

The sight of Bill munching on a chicken (which he had smuggled down in his suit along with various other snacks) greatly riles Tim, who, along with Graeme, has had to live on rations of two beans a day. A very spiteful argument follows between Tim and Bill (with Tim eventually heading for the spleen, presumably to vent his own!) and while they argue, Graeme seizes the opportunity to scoff the remainder of Bill's chicken (adding further insult by wiping his greasy fingers on Bill's hair!) and contemplates his prospects of getting up the dinosaur's nose to escape. A peeved Bill snaps "With the very greatest of ease, I should think! You get up mine, mate, I'll tell you that!", only for Graeme to in turn rubbish Bill's suggestion that they "sprinkle castor oil and senna pods around everywhere and wait" in a bid to get out the other exit rather quickly!

The Goodies decide to make use of the dinosaur to call for help and open its mouth a fraction so that they can shout into its vocal chords, but Bill's lousy prehistoric comedy routine would most likely put anyone off the thought of coming to rescue them. A shower of digestive juice and a pounding heart indicates that their fooling around has woken the beast up, so Graeme suggests that the Goodies run out through its mouth when it yawns. Tim and Graeme escape successfully, but Bill takes a wrong turn, and knocks desperately behind the dinosaur's eye lens, before he eventually reappears (to dash Tim's hope of collecting on Bill's insurance policy). The Goodies flee back up the tunnel and into the office, happy to say "Goodbye Mr Tyrannosaurus Rex", but a huge claw menacingly reaches up out of the shaft as they all duck for cover. The massive dinosaur then bursts through the ground and lifts the Goodies' disused railway station office high in the air with a huge roar before waving it overhead and smashing it to smithereens.

CLASSIC QUOTES

* Tim (after hearing Graeme outline the many features of his "patent compendium of home entertainment"): "Great, we'll watch the wrestling …"

Bill: "While playing the Black and White Rag …"

Tim: "And listening to Beethoven's 9th …"

Bill: "And washing my smalls!" (shapes to strip off)

* Graeme (preferring archaeology over modern-day entertainment):

"I'm off all this newfangled rubbish. I am into neolithic man."

Bill (suspiciously): "Is that legal!?"

* Graeme (talking about archaeology):"If you were to dig under the Post Office Tower..."

Tim (sarcastically): "It would fall over!"

Graeme (patronisingly): "Allow me to elucidate."

Bill (cheekily): "You'll go deaf!"

Graeme: "Pardon?!"

* Graeme (studying his map of soil layers):"...paleolithic age ... megalithic age ..."

Tim (picking up birdcage, smirking): "The budgie-c age!!"

* Tim (yelling down pothole): "Have you broken anything?"

Graeme (delayed echo from bottom of shaft regarding what he has discovered below):"Yeah, hundreds of bones, a couple of skulls and a tusk!"

… (a little later)

Tim: "Do you want anything to eat?"

Graeme (another delayed echo): "Yeah, chuck us down my old tweed suit ...."

Tim (puzzled): "Anything to wear?"

Graeme (a further echo): "... and oh, a couple of donuts!"

Bill (even more puzzled): "Where ... where's he gonna wear them?!"

Tim (bluntly): "Never mind!"

* Graeme: "Do you remember that chap from up the road who disappeared a couple of years ago? He was mad about potholing ... and cheese and chutney sandwiches. Funny chap."

Tim (picks up a backpack):"This must have been his" … (holds up pink bra from inside pack) "He was a funny chap, wasn't he!"

Bill: "Ah yeah. Yeah I remember him now. Ol' Cheese & Chutney Pollock, the potholing poo ..."

Tim (hastily interrupting him): "That's the one!"

* Tim (looking at Bill's chickens, incredulously): "How did you get this lot in here?"

Bill (matter-of-factly): "Stuffed down my trousers!"

Tim: "Oh, so that's what it was. To think I didn't mention it just to spare your feelings!"

Bill (semi-sarcastically): "Very grateful to you too!"

* Tim (annoyed at Bill eating chicken while he and Graeme get one bean each): "You pig! You common little oik!"

Bill (aggravated): "Don't start getting at me again! Just 'cos I'm not a smoothie like you, in'it?!"

Tim (still annoyed): "Shut your gob!"

B (mockingly): "Ooh, shut your gob! Well, so much for Winchester and Cambridge! Ooh hoo. Tell you something mate. We only keep you on 'cos you can type."

Tim (offended): "Ooh! That's not true. I do the washing up as well! Which is more than you do, you … you … oh, get your hair cut!"

Bill: "Hair!! What about your hair?! You look like Susan Hampshire!"

Tim (snapping back): "Maybe … maybe, but at least I don't dress like her! Trouser suits and necklaces!"

Bill: "Yeah well, I've seen you get dressed, haven't I, yes. And I happen to know that you tuck your shirt inside your underpants! (chortles) You do!"

Tim (embarrassed): "Only in the winter."

Bill: "You're a sissy!" Tim: "Lout!" Bill: "Nancy!" Tim: "Cow!" Bill: "Bitch!"

Tim (utterly offended): Oooh!! Ooh, that does it! If you want me I shall be in the spleen!

* Bill (supposedly shouting for help through the dinosaur's mouth): "She was only the caveman's daughter, but you don't know what Dina saw ... bu-boom!"

(and a bit later): "If you can't send help, then at least send us a good ventriloquist!"

CLASSIC SCENES

* Bill and Tim indulging in their weekend hobbies while destroying each other's pleasure in turn. Bill's rowdy simultaneous saxophone playing, soccer practice and birdwatching is terminated by Tim popping the soccer ball with a pin, stuffing a cloth in the sax and gunning down the plastic birds. Bill gets his revenge shortly after by exploding Tim's ping pong machine (sending a shower of balls flying at him) and jumping hard on his elongated tap-dancing shoes. All the while Graeme is sitting in the corner, reading his book and totally oblivious to the racket around him until the other two call out to him in boredom once they have wrecked each others hobbies.

* My all-time favourite Goodies mock ad for Bristo Gravy Mix featuring Rolf and his long-suffering Granny. Graeme plays a scarily convincing Rolf Harris who creates havoc in his Granny's kitchen, firstly frightening the daylights out of Granny (another of Tim's wonderful drag roles!) with a blast of the didgeridoo upon entry to her kitchen, causing food to go flying everywhere. He then paints a kangaroo on the kitchen wall (with much huffing and puffing) and blackens Granny's face with the paintbrush as well for good measure. Granny has already delivered a voice-over spiel of "As a top entertainer, Rolf works really hard, singing those boring songs and telling those stupid jokes and being generally irritating! … That's why I'm giving him something really special – roast beef with lashings of Bristo." before serving up dinner and telling Rolf "I hope you like it. It's just what you deserve!" Rolf starts hoeing into his meal and utters a hearty Aussie-accented "Marvellous!" before grabbing at his throat and launching backwards in his chair (and into another mighty Garden death dive) once Granny's poisoned Bristo Gravy Mix takes effect. The authoritative voice-over then states: "Bristo. Gets rid of Rolf Harrises fast!" with a proud, grinning Granny holding aloft her packet of Bristo.

* Tim and Bill playing their spirited verbal soccer match between Derby County and Chelsea respectively (with Chelsea's team of substitutes ultimately winning 3-2 thanks to a hat trick from Hayley Mills!) and then getting at each other in a savage argument over dress and hairstyles before Tim goes to sulk in the spleen. Meanwhile Graeme has eaten Bill's chicken, setting off another very terse exchange with a tetchy Bill when he returns from arguing with Tim and finds out what's been going on in his absence.

* The huge Tyrannosaurus Rex bursting out of the ground and lifting the disused railway station office high in the air with a menacing roar before pounding it to pieces.

MOCK ADVERTISEMENTS

Stones Linament

Bristo Gravy Mix (gets rid of Rolf Harrises fast!!)

MY 2 CENTS WORTH

No nutty guest stars and little elaborate visual trickery, but a very funny verbal script easily carries the show along. A rock-solid forerunner to the 'trapped with nowhere to go' - style classics of The End and Earthanasia in later series.

BLACK PUDDING RATING