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GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #23  -  WINTER SPORTSMAN

(from C&G #118  September 2005)

Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review.

WHO?

After a lengthy summer siesta brought on by trying to listen to SleepalongaMax Volume 98 in its entirety, it's finally time for the return of your downhill-skiing DJs Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) and Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay) and their review of "WINTER SPORTSMAN" by The Goodies.  This review is being broadcast all the way from the North Pole Hilton where our intrepid DJs are bravely sampling the wide variety of whale blubber dishes on the menu, including the Chicken Surprise (where the surprise is that it's really whale blubber after all!)  However the biggest surprise for Emperor Caligula was finding that the supposedly shapely Eskimo Nell was really the voluminously shapeless Lady Constance de Coverlet in disguise and now he's got all of the whale blubber that he can handle … and more!  No wonder he was last seen aboard the trandem furiously pedalling away beneath a hot air balloon while frantically trying to attach a sunlamp to a large butterfly – the poor chap is no doubt hoping that the unexpected Arctic heatwave might make Lady Constance shed a few kilos, but then her vast volumes of sweat are likely to pose a bigger threat to Britain from rising sea levels than the melting polar ice cap ever could!

WHERE? WHEN?

"Winter Sportsman" can be heard on the 1970's album "The Goodies Sing Songs From The Goodies", as a single (with "All Things Bright And Beautiful" on the flip side) and as a backing track in the episode "Winter Olympics"

WHAT?

Lyrics: sung by Tim (album) and Bill (episode)

I'd like to be a winter sportsman

I'd like to have a place where I can go

Where I could have a barrel of fun

And a barrel of snow, uh oh

I'd like to be a winter sportsman

With lots of little girlies by my side

I'd like to get them in my grip

And teach 'em how to slip and slide

Hey hey holiday, pack my bags and fly away

Where I can be the king of the resort

You can learn a lot from me and maybe baby, apres ski

You'll be a little winter sport, I thought

I'd like to be a winter sportsman

Big and brown and butch as I could be

I'd like to lead a line of lovely ladies laughing after me

Tee hee hee

[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]

Hey hey hip hooray, wax my skis and bring a sleigh

I want to show the world what I can do

On my feet or on my face, I'd still get up and win the race

I only wish that it were true, boo hoo

I'd like to be a winter sportsman

With gold and silver medals on my chest

But every time, for heaven's sake

I nearly go and break my neck, ooh heck

WHY?

(Peaches Stilletto):

There's snow doubt about it ... this song will have those into cold weather recreations like skiing and Polar Bear diving making a tree-line to their record store, while non-enthusiasts will end up schussing those who dare hum a few bars while polishing their gold, silver and/or bronze medals.  With that in mind, I slalomly swear someone had to do some fancy footwork around the record executive moguls on the snowboard to get this song pressed to vinyl.  This love letter to hypothermia gets to the root of the love of winter sports in an honest avalanche of truth ... there are those avid (and intelligent) skiers who may act the pro but in reality retire early from the slopes, nursing some non-life threatening injury obtained on the bunny slope to sip cappuccino and cuddle with ski bunnies back at the lodge.  One might argue after such a powdery song it could only be all downhill from here, but actually this tune gives even the most hopeless skier's spirits a lift.

(Emperor Caligula):

On the surface Tim's intention to compete in the Winter Olympics for Britain is very much in keeping with his Union Jack-waistcoated, shiny shoe-wearing patriotic coward character – victory for England and glory for the Queen and empire, just as long as it doesn't hurt too much!  However I was mi-sled, for upon hearing the lyrics of this very catchy little number, it's quite obvious why he's really putting himself through all of this pain in the icehole.  He's desperately trying to winter heart of a snow bunny, and while he might get a n-ice frosty reception from the shapely Julie Ege, he figure(skate)s it alps his cause if he knows how toboggan with the best of 'em.  Bob's led him on a bit too, but it's snow wonder he thaw-t that a cool, yet not cr(ev)ass tune like this might yeti be the (s)ki to melting the heart of Eskimo Nell.  So just freeze, chill out and enjoy it, for snowman wants to be alone on a cold winter's evening.  That's it from me – after all, how many more bad puns can a polar bear?!

HOW!

Using the Black Pudding Rating System:

III  Goody Goody Yum Yum (Peaches Stiletto)

III  Goody Goody Yum Yum (Emperor Caligula)

THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM

IIIII - Superstar.

IIII  - Officially amazing.

III   - Goody goody yum yum.

II    - Fair-y punkmother.

I     - Tripe on t' pikelets.