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GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #47 – SHINY SHOES
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review.
WHO?
It's been the best part of a year since our last music review, so now it's the worst part of the year because we've got a new one ready to inflict on you! Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) has spent much of the past year languishing in the nick after being locked up by the fashion police for flashing his carrot undies while mixed dancing at the Disco Bilius. Seeing as the fuzz lost the keys to his straightjacket and ball-and-chain, the Emperor had a rare bright idea (just having an idea is rare for him actually!) to get his goat to nibble the sleeves of the straightjacket to free him, but unfortunately for him the goat had such a hearty appetite that it ate every last scrap of his clothes and he was promptly rearrested for indecent exposure!
Meanwhile Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay) has been heavily involved in the Goodies outer space program; being blasted up to the moon in a bid to force Big Bunny and his minions to retreat from their evil world takeover plans (thereby creating a receding hare line!) As well as finding primitive vegetable life on the Moon (the audience of an intergalactic Max Bygraves concert), Peaches also rediscovered the lost Bu-boom tribe who had previously fled from Sevenoaks decades ago in a vain bid to escape from her appalling puns and jokes, which still sink like a lead balloon even in the lunar atmosphere of zero gravity (and zero levity too apparently!)
Having bribed the cops with donuts and paid Big Bunny off with a counterfeit fiver (sending bad money to a mad bunny!) we can now cross over to the CIB Obscenities Squad Stag Night and our Doc Martens-wearing DJs for their review of "Shiny Shoes" by The Goodies.
WHERE? WHEN?
"Shiny Shoes" can only be heard in episode 7/4 Punky Business, as it has not been released commercially on any of the Goodies' albums or CDs.
WHAT?
Lyrics: sung by Bill, with help from Tim & Graeme
I'm B ... I'm G ... I'm T. We're nice boys!
If you want to know how to judge a guy
Don't look at his shirt, don't look at his tie
If you really want to know him ... (hmm)
Look at his shoes ... sh-shiny shoes!
Don't trust that collar, don't believe that cuff
Smart suspenders is not enough
If you really want to know him ... (hmm)
Look at his shoes ... sh-shiny shoes!
The devil has the smartest shoes, that's what they say
But cop a look at those daisy roots
Oh gawd blimey, what a giveaway!
Shiny shoes show we care, always welcome anywhere
See them sparkle, see them shine
Nice clean shoes means nice clean minds
If you really want to know us ... (hmm)
Look at our shoes ... shoes ... shoes!
Sh-shiny shoes, sh-shiny shoes, sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh- shiny shoes!
Sh-shiny shoes, sh-shiny shoes, sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh- shiny shoes!
Sh-sh-sh-sh-shiny shoes, sh-sh-sh-sh-shiny shoes
Gimme those, gimme those, gimme those shoes!
Sh-sh-sh-sh-shiny shoes, sh-sh-sh-sh-shiny shoes
Gimme those, gimme those, gimme those shoes!
WHY?
(Peaches Stiletto):
Even though this short ditty might clog one’s senses, one shouldn’t just give this song the boot. In the realm of melodies about footwear it’s in good company, with such standards as Blue Suede Shoes, Old Brown Shoe and Goody Two-Shoes. We’re actually quite pumped about this number (although punk audiences may think it’s just a croc and a load of old cobblers.) Cleanliness may be next to godliness but for poor Tim (who ends up with dinner being dumped over his head) it’s next to impossible, driving a real wedge between him and Jane Asher! But never fear . . . public tastes may flip-flop but Tim’s on the right track . . . and he’s no loafer! He eventually gets a leg-up on the competition (and we assume his leg, which was eventually refitted, wasn’t unshod!) Yes, give Timbo his platform and heel quickly show you a thong or two . . . he has a clean sole and wouldn’t be caught dead without his sh-sh-sh-sh-shiny shoes . . . and that’s no sh-sh-sh-sh-[censored].
(Emperor Caligula):
The Little Laddies really know their bunions and that it's important to be instep with the latest footwear trends, so in order to maintain their status as A-listers (as distinct from B-listers!) their sole objective is to be on an upper with nice clean clodhoppers so that they can keep going (p)laces. Although these gigs generally seem to involve entertaining the members of the local constabulary who have "socking great feet", the thin blue line of flat-footed fuzz actually comes in mighty handy when the Little Laddies are being pelted with fairy cakes by irate grannies or belted up by a bunch of obnoxious punk MPs and with Policewoman Edwina Crum urging "The bigger the better … feet, that is!", they could soon turn into real heels if they're not careful. Mind you, being bad with footwear choice does you no favours as while the callus old Devil may wear Prada, his scruffy "daisy roots" mean that he would have to go hell for leather with the boot polish to outdo the glowing angelic halo emanating from the shiny shoes of the Little Laddies. So shine your shoes up so brightly that you can see your face in them (maybe you'll even see Tim's face in them if you do a really spiffy job!) as although the song may be as corny as the Minister for Health's big tootsie, it's got a really infectious beat that you can toe-jam along to and you'd have to suffer from a tinea(r) not to enjoy listening to it.
HOW!
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
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(Peaches Stiletto)
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(Emperor Caligula)
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