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» #35 Oct 1998
THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
Issue No. 35 12th October 1998
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
EDITOR: Alison Bean.
CHIEF REVIEWER: Brett Allender.
CHIEF SPOTTER: David Balston.
QUIZMASTER: David McAnally.
CONTRIBUTORS:
Tracey Baird and Andrew McDonald.
CONTENTS
1. BOFFO IDEAS - Club happenings and ideas.
2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
3. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY #10 - Pollution.
4. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW - Elizabeth Rules - UK!
5. GOODIES TRIVIA QUIZ - More Goodies brain teasers.
1. BOFFO IDEAS
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. Mail carrot@wantree.com.au with your comments, ideas or suggestions.
IT'S ALL AT THE GROK SHOP - NOW!
This month sees the relaunch of The Goodies Rule - OK! Shop at our homepages. Available for purchase, through Amazon Books and Bookpages, will be a range of Goodies related books and audio cassettes, including the I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue books and cassettes. For every item purchased from our shop page, the club will receive commission from Amazon Books and Bookpages. The commission will go to the Goodies Convention 2000 fund.
2. SPOTTED!!!
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen a Goodie recently, e-mail carrot@wantree.com.au with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:
WITHOUT A CLUE
They're sorry, they haven't a clue, but one thing is certain: they have a new book out AND a new series is on the way. Two episodes have already been recorded in Cardiff and if you're lucky you might score tickets to the remaining recording dates:
Sunday 25th October at 7.30pm - The Pavilion Theatre, Glasgow.
Box office 0141 332 1846.
Wednesday 25th November at 7.30pm - Alexandra Theatre, Birmingham.
Box office 0121 643 1231.
We're predicting transmission of the new series will begin in November.
But in the mean time you can read the book, here's the details:
TITLE: I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue Book of Limericks
AUTHORS: Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer, Graeme Garden and Humphrey Lyttelton.
PUBLISHERS: Orion Media in the UK and Allen & Unwin in Australia.
ISBN: 07528177 in the UK and 0752817752 in Australia.
RELEASE DATE: September 1998 in the UK and in time for Christmas in Australia.
COST: #9.99 in the UK and $24.95 in Australia.
* Thank you to Andrew McDonald, David Balston and Tracey Baird for the above information. *
RE-RUNS
by David Balston
.
* UK Arena are re-screening The Goodies at 4.30pm, 9pm and 12am Monday to Thursdays. Today it's The New Office and on Wednesday it's Winter Olympics; as for Tuesday and Thursday we're predicting Hunting Pink and That Old Black Magic.
* Channel 5 are repeating Animal House, hosted by Bill Oddie, on Mondays at 5.30am.
* UK Gold is showing The Detectives episode Twitchers, featuring Bill Oddie, at 9pm on Wednesday 21st October.
For the latest re-run updates throughout the month head to:
3. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY no 10
For those of you unacquainted with Goodies-L, Brett Allender had been regularly posting to the list, summaries and reviews of each Goodies episode. And we thought they were so good that we decided to publish one each month. Here's this month's:
POLLUTION
Episode 3, Series 2.
First transmitted 15th October 1971.
PLOT
The newspapers and television bulletins are fully devoted to the ever-increasing pollution problem, especially as the newsreader continually splutters from the clouds of smog filling the studio. Tim puts his hand out the window to sample the weather and concludes that the upcoming Test match will have a sticky wicket, as it is raining oil outside. Bill returns from a walk in the not-so-fresh air, but only succeeds in polluting Polly the parrot and as the world could be uninhabitable by Monday (before the Test match concludes!), the Goodies decide to pay a visit to the Ministry of Pollution office to find out what is being done to solve the crisis.
On the bike ride to the office they encounter garbage-filled streets, radioactive cows, an ocean not fit for a dog to fetch a ball in and acid rain which rots Tim's umbrella. They follow a Ministry van and watch as the Minister shrivels a gardener's giant marrow with weedkiller before he sells the gardener a box of new marrows, then turns a green meadow into a dead stinking wasteland via a blast from a crop dusting plane and they come to the conclusion that the Ministry is actually creating the pollution, rather than fixing it.
Dressing as civil servants and armed with a camera, tape recorder, microphone (on Graeme's extendable arm) and clothes pegs on their noses for the right voices, they uncover the Ministry's dastardly plans to pollute the entire countryside, turning day into night so that people would work more productively around the clock with no holidays, as the beaches and other leisure places would be too polluted to use. The Ministry would then set its 'Department for putting everything right' into action to clean up the mess and make a fortune in the process.
Despite having a sore nose from the clothes peg, Tim rings the Prime Minister and demands that he puts a stop to the Ministry, but gets such an irate response that the phone explodes. The Ministry of Pollution heavies knock on the door to frighten the Goodies off ("Boo!"), followed by the Prime Minister himself who clobbers Bill with a mallet. However Graeme devises a magic mixture of seeds, fertilizer and aftershave to be dropped into rainclouds from the trandem attached to a hot air balloon, but when the Minister shoots a hole in the balloon, Tim and Bill reduce the ballast by heaving the superconcentrated mixture all into the one cloud instead of spreading it slowly across the entire country.
Graeme anxiously charts the course of the cloud via the shipping forecast and is horrified when the shower settles right over London and dumps its entire load in the West End. In no time, the entire city is covered in thick fragrant grass, everyone sports a luxuriant green coiffure (which forces the hairdressers to use scythes and hedgeclippers instead of scissors), only a royal wave is visible from a slow-moving grassy mound along the street and the police are forced onto ride-on mowers to patrol the beat. The green-plaited Minister arrives at the Goodies office, but he is far from disappointed with them spoiling his pollution plans as he is making a fortune from selling lawnmowers. He also tells them that the beautiful new meadowland outside their window is the perfect place for London's new airport, to the roar of a huge plane coming in to land.
CLASSIC QUOTES
* Tim (picking up phone): "I'm going to make a complaint to the very highest authority."
Graeme (shocked): "Not ..."
Bill (also shocked): "... David Frost!"
Tim: "No, not that high ... no ... no ...!"
* Bill (answering knock at door): "Hello. Oooh, it's the Prime Minister. Hello sailor..." (then promptly gets belted on the head with a mallet!)
CLASSIC SCENES
* After being showered with a flock of dead birds while standing in a freshly sprayed meadow, there is a loud and rather sick "BAA!" and Graeme deftly catches a falling airborne sheep before it squashes him.
* Tim hanging up the phone after a conversation with an irate Prime Minister, but the PM keeps babbling away, with the phone cord rising slowly like a cobra towards the retreating Goodies before the receiver detonates in a big green flash.
* Graeme and Bill changing seats on the trandem while it is precariously dangling from the balloon in mid air, with Tim at the front moaning "We're all gonna die!"
* The cops wobbling down a grass-covered freeway on their ride-on mowers with sirens blazing away.
GUEST STARS
Ronnie Stevens, Corbet Woodall, Peter Davidson, Eric Kent, Gordon Hann
GOODIES SONGS
Change Don't Change
MOCK ADVERTISEMENTS
Beanz Meanz Heanz - "What I Like", The Dodo Sensation
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
A good episode with some interesting visual effects, making it considerably better than several of the other episodes in Series 2.
RATING
III Goody goody yum yum
BLACK PUDDING RATING SYSTEM
IIIII Superstar
IIII Officially amazing
III Goody goody yum yum
II Fair-y punkmother
I Tripe on t' pikelets
4. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to this month's music review.
WHO?
Feeling rather de-pressed after ironing their goldfish flat, last month's hosts Cap'n Fishface and Rancid Halibut Gill Blets decided to relax with a spot of soothing music on their gramophone down by the pier of Dr. G. Garden's Fish Farm. However their extremely poor choice of a YawnalongaMax Boregraves album (who by the way, is hopefully still encased in concrete for another 1 year, 3 months ... a helluva long time!) drove a very annoyed almighty Kamikaze cod to crash heavily into the pier, up-ending the oil, batter and a sparking lamp and ... well, you know the fin-ish of the fish-tale. Plenty of Rancid Gill Blet Fishface Fingers for The Goodies and the Eskimos alike, and we'll even give Birds Eye a few for the halibut!
And now, we regally rock over to your disdainful DJ's Cheeky Charlie Mini Mudflaps (AKA Brett Allender) and Young Her, Annie "Naff Off" Windsor (AKA Alison Bean) for this month's review of "ELIZABETH RULES - UK" by The Goodies.
WHERE? WHEN?
On their 70's album "Nothing To Do With Us" and as a single (with "Blowing Off" on the flip side).
WHAT?
Cheeky Charlie: Bill soulfully serenades the new love of his life and judging by the opening lyrics ("You are here, in my hand, every time I spend a penny. I can see you, I can kiss you, every time I lick a stamp."), this Elizabeth gal is really giving him a right royal pain in the heart. She is already in love but is neglected by her swearing, drinking, polo playing hubby and left behind to write Christmas speeches in her cold and lonely palace, so Bill wants to take her away from it all. While Tim would dream of having tea and scones with her, Bill is definitely after some crumpet, but although she repeatedly tells him that she understands, her duties to the nation and the Commonwealth must come before any thrills with Bill, despite his desperate pleading. Boy, just who does she think she is, the Queen or something?!
Annie "Naff Off" Windsor: When the love of your life loves you, but is married and duty bound to stay that way, it's hard to get her out of your mind - especially when her face is on the five pound note. And back in those days, when Bill was hankering for a certain lady in a tasteful tiara, he was thankful for one thing, that she was there every time he spent a penny. And while this may or may not have given new meaning to the royal we, one thing was certain; like a corgi howling aimlessly at the moon, Bill's cries of devotion went largely ignored by Queen Elizabeth. Still, you'd think she'd have a little time for him after he helped rid the country of Rolf Harrises. Then again, she might have seen a psychic vision of Animal Hospital and known that it wouldn't last!
WHY?
Cheeky Charlie: After missing out on Mildred Makepeace and only getting the lower half of a carved-up Caroline Kook, Bill obviously thinks it'll be third time lucky by aspiring to be the husband in "My husband and I ...!". Mind you, he just might have had some measure of success on the sly too, given the large numbers of short, fat, hairy, lazy corgis that suddenly popped up at the palace during the '70's! However even if Bill does manage to elbow Phil the Dill aside, he'll need to put on a royal command performance, as if "one is not amused" the next command is likely to be carried out by the Beefeaters at the Tower - "Off with his didgeridoo!"
Annie "Naff Off" Windsor: When Bill saw Lizzie and realised that she was the one, his wild-man, revolutionary streak vanished. He forgot about the previous love of his life, tatty go-go dancer Doris Newbold (whose "assets" were reportedly so small that a free magnifying glass was issued with every pint) and began to lust after a woman whose assets were somewhat larger, although they were more of the Rupert Murdoch variety than the Pamela Anderson. But it wasn't to be and the only throne Bill was likely to sit on was in the smallest room, which brings us back to the royal we (and presumably the royal flush). And for the sake of Bill's sanity we can only hope that this crush of his on the Queen was just a flash in the pan.
HOW!
Using the Black Pudding Ratings System:
MUSIC: Cheeky Charlie: IIII Officially Amazing; Annie "Naff Off" Windsor: IIII Officially Amazing.
SINGING: Cheeky Charlie: IIIII Superstar; Annie "Naff Off" Windsor: IIIII Superstar.
HUMOUR: Cheeky Charlie: III Goody Goody Yum Yum; Annie "Naff Off" Windsor: IIIII Superstar.
ALL TOGETHER NOW: Cheeky Charlie: IIII Officially Amazing; Annie "Naff Off" Windsor: IIIII Superstar.
* Next month we review Spacehopper *
5. GOODIES TRIVIA QUIZ
by quizmaster David McAnally
1. Why did the Music Master arrange for the entertainers to be kidnapped in "The Music Lovers"?
2. In "Gender Education", what is Button's friend's name?
3. When the Goodies represented Britain in It's a Knockout in "The Goodies and the Beanstalk", what were the nationalities of the two rival three-man teams - and how were these opposing teams disposed of?
4. What was the favourite musical instrument of the aliens in "U-Friend or UFO?"
ANSWERS TO LAST MONTH'S QUESTIONS
(…not that most of you need them!)
1. In The Goodies And The Beanstalk, what is the first step in cooking Shepherd's Pie?
A: Peel two shepherds.
2. What was Tim's title in "Goodies in the Nick"?
A: The Goodyfather.
3. What happened to the lighthouse in Lighthouse Keeping Loonies after Bill struck a match?
A: It became a rocket
4. What was so unusual about the Goodies' office in The Race?
A: It became a car - which later flew.
THE END
Well folks, the C&G team are off for some mixed dancing at Disco Billius with our cardboard Bianca Jaggers and Robin Yad (not Robin Day). Come join us if you've got a bath plug!
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DISCLAIMER
This is an archive newsletter of The Goodies Rule - OK! International Fan Club (copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 1998). Some of the information in this newsletter may now be incorrect. Current information can be obtained from http://www.goodiesruleok.com
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