Index
» #38 Feb 1999
THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
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THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
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Issue No. 38 12th February 1999
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
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ACTING EDITOR: Brett Allender
ACE REPORTER: Alison Bean.
SUPER SPOTTER: David Balston.
CROSSWORD & QUIZ MASTER: David McAnally.
CONTRIBUTORS: Brett O'Callaghan, Wendy Hill, Catherine Carter, Duncan Lilly, Phil Wadey
CONTENTS
1. BOFFO IDEAS - Club happenings and ideas.
2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
3. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY #13 – Culture For The Masses.
4. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW – I Am A Carnivore.
5. GOODIES TRIVIA QUIZ - More Goodies brain teasers.
6: GOODIES CHRISTMAS CROSSWORD SOLUTION
7: FROM BARD TO VERSE
8: THE END
1. BOFFO IDEAS
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. Mail bretta@wimmera.com.au with your comments, ideas or suggestions.
GRAND MASTER'S E-MAIL NO LONGER ECKY THUMPED
Our peerless President, Alison Bean <carrot@oztek.net.au>, is finally back on-line again after her computer was ecky-thumped by an e-mail glitch in late November. After a couple of months out of action, Alison is very keen to do plenty of web page updating (including getting those long awaited back issues of the C&G ready for downloading) and further the planning process for the 2000 Goodies convention in Melbourne. Therefore you're still stuck with me as C&G editor for the next few months, so please keep those newsletter contributions rolling in to bretta@wimmera.com.au
NEW ADDRESSES FOR PIRATE E-MAIL OFFICES
Owing to the Good Ship 'Saucy Gibbon' drifting a little further outside the five mile limit (and soon within sight of a foggy Statue Of Liberty, no doubt), please note the change of my e-mail address to bretta@wimmera.com.au. My old "comcirc" address still delivers for the time being as well, but it will be terminated by some "ineffectual, petty, interfering, unimaginative, useless little lackey" in a couple of months time and any messages to it will probably be sent via Edinburgh and Hong Kong and then dumped in the canal by the temporary postman for good measure!
The following articles have all been contributed by the C&G's ace reporter, Alison Bean. Please note the change to her e-mail address to carrot@oztek.net.au.
AUSTRALIAN MIRROR SITE
To be launched very soon is the club's Australian mirror website. While our Geocities site will remain where it is and continue to be updated, we now have a website closer to where the majority of our members are AND it's shorter and easier to remember. This new website is brought to us by long time club member Tim Aslat, zaphod@nonc.com.au, of the Oz Net Internet Cafe, Adelaide.
WE'VE WON! WE'VE WON!
Last month we were voted Best Bet website of the week by the Internet SF, Fantasy and Horror TV Yellow Pages. While none of us ever though of The Goodies as sci-fi, fantasy or horror, we are proud to display this modest award on our index page. If you want to see whether the Unofficial Animal Hospital Website has won the award for best site about a horror series this week (and let's face it, with Rolf Harris as host, it's in with a bloody good chance!) head to http://users.aol.com/svandensen/main.htm .
70's NOSTALGIA WEEKEND
Next month Multiverse is presenting a 70s TV nostalgia weekend in Melbourne. Highlights include the chance to meet Richard Hatch from "Battlestar Galactica" and possibly Jan Badler (Diana in "V"). Other guests include sci-fi authors Richard Hanley ("The Metaphysics Of Star Trek"), Sara Douglass and Sean McMullen. But how is this relevant to Goodies fans?
Well, not only will you be able to buy the club's own Goodies T-shirts before anyone else, you can also pick up copies of Brett Allender's "Goodies Episode Summaries" for only $20 AND you have the chance to bid for autographed Goodies memorabilia in the Charity Auction on the Saturday afternoon. You can also find out what Brett, Tracey and I really look like (won't that be a treat?), as we'll all be there to spread the Goodies vibe and run the club's merchandising table.
WHERE: Edmund Barton Convention Centre, South Road, Moorabbin, Melbourne.
WHEN: Saturday March 27th from 10am (registration from 9am) and Sunday 28th March from 9am.
HOW MUCH: $60 for the weekend. $40 for Saturday only. $30 for Sunday only.
$5 for the Trivia Night and Pizza Feast (on Saturday).
ACCOMMODATION: Contact the Edmund Barton Centre
Multiverse Inc
PO Box 355
World Trade Centre
Melbourne VIC 3004
FIRST OFFICIAL CONVENTION COMMITTEE MEETING
The time has come. We've got 1 year and just over 2 months to put on the world's first Goodies convention and we're gunna get down to business next month at our first official real life meeting. If you would like to attend the meeting, which will be held sometime on the weekend of 27th and 28th of March, in Melbourne, please e-mail carrot@oztek.net.au and let us know when you're free.
POST BOX
A reminder that the club now has its very own post box. It will be used mainly for the 2000 convention, but if you have any friends without e-mail, who would like to join the club as postal members, get them to address all their enquiries to:
The Goodies Rule – OK!
P.O. Box 325
CHADSTONE
VIC 3148
AUSTRALIA
Postal subscription is $5 per annum for Australians and $Aus15 per annum for anyone overseas. (It's expensive we know, but remember, it's not cheap to post a newsletter this long out every month. )
2. SPOTTED!!!
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen a Goodie recently, e-mail bretta@wimmera.com.au with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:
IT'S I'M SORRY I'LL READ THAT AGAIN ... AGAIN ... IN AUSTRALIA!
According to the Audience Services section of ABC Radio National, there will be repeats of "classic" comedy shows broadcast at 5.30am each weekday from February 1st onwards. This will include some episodes of the much-loved "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" starring Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden, Bill Oddie, Jo Kendall, David Hatch and a ranting John Otto Cleese on each Tuesday (ie Feb 2nd, 9th, 16th etc). Other shows to be repeated are Hancock's Half Hour (Mondays), My Word (Wednesdays), My Music (Thursdays) and The Goons (Fridays). Thanks to Brett O'Callaghan for providing this useful information.
YES MINISTER GRAYBOOTS
by Wendy Hill - posted to Goodies-L on 19/1/99
"Anyway, I think I earned part of my wig-spotters badge. The ABC in Australia is replaying "Yes, Minister" (again!). In the 1981 episode last night, Mr Hacker was on a kill list. The Special Branch Agent, who came to explain the many and varied ways the Minister could be bumped off, was Graeme Garden. Minus glasses."
I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE
Jeremy Hardy was the special guest on the final episodes broadcast on December 28th and January 4th. A special compilation show "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Desert Island" rounded off the series and had celebrities such as Stephen Fry, Neil Kinnock, Germaine Greer, Jack Dee and Judi Dench choosing their favourite moments from 'Clue'. It was broadcast Monday 11th January at 6.30pm and repeated Sunday January 17th at 12.30pm. The series returns in the Spring.
LAND OF SOAP AND GLORY
Comedy compilation show 'Laughing For Ages' broadcast 31st December included a sketch from 'The Kenny Everett Television Show' featuring Tim in the Beethoven 'Soap on a Rope' Sketch.
'IF I RULED THE WORLD' RETURNS
The second series of 'If I Ruled The World' (starring Graeme Garden as a regular panelist) will be recorded from 'Thursday 4th February to 26th March 1999.
'If I Ruled the World' will be broadcast on Monday nights starting on Monday 8th February at 10pm on BBC2. Guests on the first show will be Rebecca Front and Tony Hawks. The series will comprise of eight episodes, two more than last year's and will get a Saturday repeat.
AN INTERVIEW WITH GRAEME ON "BBC ONLINE"
There is an excellent, insightful and very recent (Feb 8th) two part interview with Graeme Garden at:
in which Graeme discusses topics like the difficulties of shows such as The Goodies and ISIHAC, the likely popularity of The Goodies nowadays, why he pursued a living in comedy, his singing career and his use of the Internet, in which he mentions our club and the 2000 convention. Well and truly worth swimming outside the five mile limit to read!
BILL'S "BEST OF BRITISH" IN THE AA MAGAZINE
by Duncan Lilly - posted to Goodies-L on 7/2/1999
"I recently received the latest issue of the AA (Automobile Association - not Alcoholics Anonymous!) magazine - and surprise of surprises, there's a short article by Bill Oddie about... you guessed it: birds! (Anyone who said cars; go to the back of the class!)
The article looks at beauty spots such as the Isles of Scilly, North Norfolk, Teesdale and Shetland, as featured in the "AA Book Of Britain's Countryside", and Bill's observations of some of the superb birds and wildflowers there.
TIM PLUGS OUR CLUB IN "LIVE FROM LONDON"
by Phil Wadey
"I couldn't believe it! I was sitting here on my PC listening to BBC Radio 4's "Live from London", and Tim B-T came on and started talking about The Goodies, and other things he had been in, and then he said "there's a wonderful Goodies web site run by Australians" and talked about the Goodies Fan Club site for a few minutes!
I can't remember his actual words, but he was saying how nice it was that The Goodies was being reshown in Australia, that it was getting the 20-30 year old audience the BBC was always looking for things for, and how nice it was that there was enough enthusiasm for the web site". Cheque follows by pigeon, Tim!
TIM IN THE "JACK AND THE BEANSTALK" PANTOMIME
Tim Brooke-Taylor spent much of his Christmas period starring on stage in another action-packed pantomime. Our C&G Super Spotter David Balston went along (possibly disguised as a tree) and filed this excellent report:
Another year, another pantomime and this year saw Tim appearing in ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ at Guildford’s Yvonne Arnaud Theatre. The Panto was a version of the Jack the Giant Killer story and is a traditional panto favourite with its own unique plot variations as is the norm for panto.
The story goes like this - The King has had enough of the Giant pestering his kingdom as the hungry menace had eaten his way through all the kings friends, his politicians (no great loss there then) and even his wife. However it was only when the Giant demanded the King’s beautiful daughter - Princess Jill - on his dinner plate (a taste for rich food maybe?) that the King decided to take some positive action. Enter Jack - the hero of the piece and the love of Jill’s life. The Princess didn’t seem bothered by the fact that Jack (Rosemarie Ford best known for The Generation Game and Come Dancing) was clearly a girl dressed as a boy, well a boy who forgets to wear trousers at any rate, don’t worry, such things are perfectly acceptable in pantoland . Jack had a brother, Simple Simon, played by our Tim who entered the stage to the strains to ‘The Goodies’ theme song, which was the only Goodies reference that I can recall. The mother of Jack and Simon was the traditional panto dame, played quite effectively by Trevor Bannister who played Mr Lucas in Are You Being Served. Their family was completed by Daisy, the pantomime Cow – a beautifully crafted creature with a well animated head, certainly was a cut above the average panto horse or cow.
As Simple Simon, Tim was there to provide the comic relief and so was of a somewhat contrast to his role as the evil Abanazar in last year's Windsor’s pantomime, this year he had to be actually nice to the kiddies instead of threatening them, shame! So it was his job to organise the audience participation songs, throw out the sweeties and read out the birthdays to children who had usually just nipped to the loo at that exact moment.
The villain of the piece Ferdinand Fleshcreep (or Uriah Fleshcreep if you believe the programme) played with gusto by Robert Powell. He was the henchman to the Giant and was sent to the kingdom to catch the Princess for Sup-Sups (I think he meant supper, bless him.) For good measure he also purchased Daisy the Cow for the Giant’s dessert just in case the Princess didn’t quite satisfy the Giant’s hunger - this giant clearly wasn’t worried about the dangers of BSE as surely there’s no cow madder than a pantomime cow. And so the story was set, Jack had to rescue the captured Jill - and more importantly Daisy the Cow from the Giant’s evil clutch, facing danger and slaying dragons along the way, hang on - aren’t dragons an endangered species? Shame on you, Jack
The music was a pleasant mixture of traditional and contemporary songs such as ‘I’ll Be There For You’ and ‘My Heart will go on’, songs from musicals such as ‘All I want Is A Room Somewhere’ and ‘Hard Knock Life’ and a few new songs, well, songs I’d not heard before. However the jokes were as old as the hills no doubt left over from the Christmas crackers, although no doubt heard for the first time by some of the kids in the audience.
As the cast was slightly smaller than last year's Windsor pantomime, all the principal cast were given their fair share of dialogue and action. The Princess was an important part of the story where as Windsor’s Princess sadly hardly got a look in, so it was good to see the whole cast do their bit and have such a great time along the way. The performance I saw was the last one ever and members the cast seemed to corpse frequently, I suspect their fellow cast members were deliberately trying to put them off by changing the dialogue and actions unexpectedly, they especially had it in for poor old Jack. At one point Ferdinand came charging over to attack Jack but when Robert unleashed his sword it was but a tiny dagger in contrast to Jack’s mighty magic sword. ‘It was all they could give me’ pleaded Robert in his defence which seemed to totally throw Rosemary who tried hard (and failed) to contain her giggles. I could only guess that previous performances had Robert wielding a somewhat more impressive sword.
Naturally enough the main highlight was Tim’s comedy moments, though I’d still have preferred to see him play the villain after last year's triumph. That said, Robert Powell made a rather good villain too so I’ll have to say that both Tim and Robert were the highlights of the panto this year. Rosemary Ford was enjoyable as Jack, her singing and dancing ain’t bad at all (but as she once hosted ‘Come Dancing’ this shouldn’t really be a surprise) and Rebecca Hartley as Jill got to strike a blow for all panto princesses everywhere by actually getting something to do and not just stand there looking pretty.
So that’s Panto season over for another year, what will next years panto delights hold, well I’m still hoping that next year we’ll get to see Tim play villain again, ideally reunited with last years co star Carryl Varley. I’d also love to see a panto actually written by Tim, Graeme and Bill but I know that I’m just asking to much now, aren’t I!
Oh, and just in case you hadn’t guessed, they all lived happily ever after - except for the giant.
AND A FURTHER PANTO REVIEW ....
Not nearly as detailed as David's review, but worth checking out nevertheless, is a review of Jack And The Beanstalk by Telegraph journalist Charles Spencer (and his discerning five year old son) which appeared in the "Thumbs up, for age five to adult" section of the 23rd December 1998 edition and can be viewed at the Telegraph website - http://www.telegraph.co.uk . Thanks to Catherine Carter for providing this information.
RADIO GOODIES - TIM INTERVIEWED FOR 3AW "NIGHTLINE"
While "Nightline" host Bruce Mansfield was in London in mid-January, he teamed up with co-host Phillip Brady back in 3AW's Melbourne studio and they took the opportunity to conduct a fascinating interview with Tim Brooke-Taylor for their popular program, which went to air on 3AW (1278AM) in Melbourne on the evening of January 15th. With sincere thanks to "Nightline" producer Simon Owens for providing us with a tape of the segment and also to Steven Beers for his kind approval to use direct quotes from the interview in the C&G, here are Tim's responses to six of the many interesting questions put to him by Bruce and Phillip:
"I must tell you that Orson Welles was always my hero. What was your connection with him?"
[TBT]: "Well I actually worked for him twice. Graeme Garden and I did a television show very very early on called 'Broaden Your Mind' and we were sitting there nervously chewing our fingers the first episode of the second series, and the phone went after it. Graeme went and answered it and said "Yes certainly, I'll see you tomorrow" and I said "Who is that?". He said "It's Orson Welles" and I said "Yes, I'm expecting the Pope any moment now!", and it actually turned out to be Orson Welles and we did some filming around London. Then I worked with him in Italy on a film called '12+1', which I'm afraid wasn't a very good film, but he hated his bit of script so much that he and I completely rewrote about one third of the film, and he only allowed me to direct him, so at the age of twenty-eight, I was working and directing my hero as well. I think that he's still one of the great men of all time."
"In Australia, you came to our sights in 'The Goodies' and 'At Last, The 1948 Show'. ... I suppose, '70's, early '80's?"
[TBT]: Yes, I came out in the mid-seventies to promote The Goodies and it was all sort of flying then. I remember going on the 'Norman Gunston Show' and the ABC didn't want me to go on because they thought he would tear it to pieces, and this was their new show. I managed to fend him off until right at the end, I was complaining that it was put on too early because it wasn't a kids show, it was an adults show and kids can watch it, and he just turned to his slave camera and said "He hates kids!", which I thought was brilliant. I really liked his show."
"And do you know that 'The Goodies' is still shown here on Foxtel cable on the UK comedy channel, Tim?"
[TBT]: "I do know that because Australia has a great Goodies web site, thanks to Alison Bean. I came across it by mistake and now I check in every ... there's a monthly electronic newsletter and they know more about me than I do! ... and there's a guy who's produced the most fantastic episode guide of The Goodies - I've been going through my life suddenly reliving everything I've done, it's marvellous."
"What is your favourite cartoon character?"
[TBT]: "I used to present a cartoon program on television, because I love cartoons. I'm going to have to say Bugs Bunny, but there are so many others. Currently, Homer Simpson."
"What would you buy if money was no object?"
[TBT]: "I'd buy an island with a beach with mountains so that I've got sea and I've got skiing and the possibility of an archaeological find. That's all I want really!"
"What's your favourite holiday destination in the world?"
[TBT]: The one I've been to recently is Muscat in Oman. It's just that I happened to work there, an Arab country, and it is absolutely beautifully unspoilt. But I do have a part share in a villa in the Algarve in Portugal which I love. The place I want to go to is Adelaide ...... I'd like to see a Test match in Adelaide and drink a lot of red wine, would suit me very well."
The interview concluded with the appropriate strains of a recording of The Goodies' ripping version of 'Wild Thing' including a soulful "Let me hold you tight ... not quite THAT tight!" from Tim, and this, coupled with Simon's brilliantly researched introduction (containing a variety of clips from The Goodies, ISIRTA and ISIHAC which Tim was very impressed with), the thoughtful questioning by Bruce and Phillip and Tim's interesting answers made for a tremendous radio segment indeed. A 'World Domination Badge' to all parties concerned!
3. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY #13
by Brett Allender
CULTURE FOR THE MASSES
Series 2 - Episode 6
First screened: 5th November 1971
PLOT
The Goodies attend a Sothebys art sale and Tim rather sheepishly admires a nude Renoir painting, while cultural peasant Bill hassles the auctioneer for a 'Monarch Of The Glen' print. The sale has attracted art connoisseurs from around the world; chiefly filthy-rich Americans in ten gallon hats who bid outrageous prices for pictures without even looking at them.
The first item for sale is a portrait by the fine British artist Velasquez (who is actually Spanish!) which is such a fine work that the auctioneer doesn't notice that it's hanging upside down. Tim suddenly gets all righteous and patriotic about English art treasures leaving the country and sparks a frenzied bidding war (with accidental encouragement from Bill until Graeme clamps his hand over Bill's mouth to shut him up!). The final cost is one million billion trillion quintillion zillion pounds and 2 1/2 new pence ("sold to the maniac with the poofy tie!") and the Goodies' downpayment of 13 pence is sufficient for them to take the painting home and ponder how the hell to pay for it!
They invite the Arts Minister over to accept the painting on behalf of the nation, which he reluctantly does after being pestered by Tim not to increase entrance fees to outrageous levels and promises to pay for it if the government gets an unexpected windfall. Graeme hatches a plan to steal the National Gallery's other art treasures which are incidentally insured for one million billion trillion quintillion zillion pounds, so that the insurance money will pay for the Velasquez and they pose as cleaners who give the artworks a fearful scrubbing and beating, before they pile them on the trandem and cart them back to the office.
The Minister displays the newly-purchased Velasquez to the Goodies which is just a hand-drawn copy, with the real one locked in a vault as it is far too valuable to display, and as there are no artworks left to view, the National Gallery has been closed. Tim lodges a petition to re-open the gallery which the Minister receives before it is even posted, however the Minister doesn't want to buy the rather dull artwork back (which the Goodies claimed to have fortunately won from Greenshield Stamps!) and Tim doesn't want the Gallery to sell the Velasquez or raise entrance fees, which leads to mind-numbing confusion among all and sundry (including me!!).
The solution is to turn the National Gallery into a money spinner by making it a fun place to visit, which is achieved by turning it into a theme park where people mistreat the artworks in all sorts of ways. This backfires badly, as the Minister is so delighted with the gallery that he hands control from the Goodies to experts, then hits them with a further bill of one million billion trillion quintillion zillion pounds for the damaged artworks. After much soul searching, Tim gets down off his high horse and decides to flog off the Velasquez and other treasures to the Americans, but is horrified when they don't want to buy them. Fortunately they are captivated with Bill's 'Monarch Of The Glen' and Graeme's magic paintbrush creates dozens of them for the Americans to snap up.
CLASSIC QUOTES
* Tim (sounding rather embarrassed): "Um ... excuse me ... ah .. .I was wondering about the Renoir ... you know ... the lady with ... or rather without any ... um ..."
Auctioneer (loudly): "The nude, Sir ??!!"
* Tim: "But they're not art lovers, they're Americans !"
* Tim (to the Americans): "Too many times you've taken too much from us. London Bridge ... the Queen Mary ... Julie Andrews and David Frost. And we're grateful!"
CLASSIC SCENES
* Tim, Bill and Graeme all going very close to cracking up over trying to strike a deal with the Arts Minister for the Velasquez and other paintings.
* Turning the National Gallery into a theme park with fun activities such as shooting ducks in pictures, pinning the ear on Van Gogh, knocking the arms off Venus de Milo in a coconut shy and playing crazy golf through Henry Moore statues.
GUEST STARS
Julian Orchard, Tommy Godfrey, Ray Marlowe
GOODIES SONGS
Philistine
MOCK ADVERTISEMENTS
Cathay Lather Soap Test
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
Hardly any good visuals or quotes with a heavy emphasis on the confusion created from the buying and selling of artworks, which although well written, really doesn't tickle the funny bone very much.
RATING
II Fair-y punkmother
BLACK PUDDING RATING SYSTEM
IIIII Superstar
IIII Officially amazing
III Goody goody yum yum
II Fair-y punkmother
I Tripe on t' pikelets
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Whack the diddle-o blue! Pull up a jumbuck and take the weight off ya billabongs 'coz THE GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARIES book is hot off the presses! Even thicker than the SleepalongaMax volume 98 record collection and far easier to comprehend than Eddie Waring's rugby scores, THE GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARIES is jam packed with gibbon-loads of Goody things such as:
* detailed summaries for each of the 75 episodes of the show (including fully revised versions of the first 10 summaries printed in the newsletters)
* the lyrics of some classic Goodies songs.
* heaps of cool photos from actual episodes and publicity sessions.
* an episode guide/contents page and signed author's introduction.
* alphabetical indexes of guest stars, songs and mock advertisements.
Each book is spiral bound with a plastic cover and costs $20 plus postage.
More information can be obtained from
http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/2934/summary.html and details of how to place orders can be obtained by e-mailing Brett Allender at bretta@wimmera.com.au All profits from the book will go towards the staging of Kitten Con, our Goodies Convention in 2000. So why not be a sport and do yourself and the club a favour by ordering your copy of THE GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARIES today. You know it makes sense!
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4. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to this month's music review.
WHO?
Since exposing more than just their point of view following their unimpeachably good writeup of "She Wouldn't Understand", last month's hosts have finally cracked it for their first big parts in showbiz. Big Fat Willie has been cast as the new Randy Pandy in the '90's remake of St. Augustine's Superstar, so the search is now on for a suitably irresistable pink and wobbly elephantine lustpot as his leading lady ..... ("YAAAAAAAAHH!!" - yes indeed, Lady Constance de Coverlet has been lured out of retirement, having just been lured out of the men's loo beforehand!). Meanwhile Raving Dolly Model Sinderella is the star of the controversial new g-e-n-d-e-r education film where she generously displays the "rude bits" sans the obligatory cover of a white sheet, which finishes off Mrs Desiree Carthorse well before Bill can whisper "Knickers!" or even yell a quick "Come on, you blighter. Die!", and leaves Buttons the clown in such a shaky state that he can't even pull the trigger of the machine gun to mow her down and start the St. Valentine's Day massacre!
So we'll now cross to the Rumbling Tum Carnivorous Cuisine Restaurant where your devouring DJ's My-kill Carcasson (AKA Brett Allender) and Venisona Redgravy (AKA Alison Bean) are about to chew over their review of "I AM A CARNIVORE" by The Goodies.
WHERE? WHEN?
On their '70's album "The Goodies Beastly Record".
WHAT?
My-kill: Sung to the tune of "All Things Bright And Beautiful", the three Goodies take turns of professing their preference for munching away merrily on anything that moves (like a moo cow, pig or baa lamb) as distinct from things that don't move (like fruit and vegies for example). However the real purpose of singing this song seems to be a bid for setting a new world record for the greatest number of rotten "meat" puns in one verse, as evidenced by the following speech by Bill (with Graeme feverishly tallying them up along the way):
"Fellow carnivores, we meat again. ("1") It touches my heart to be in a nice joint like this. ("3") It really is a lovely plaice ("4") and I'm so glad we can fillet. ("5") If I only re-veal it ("6"), I know many of us live a fowl life. ("7") We get in some terrible stews ("8 1/2"), but there's a lot at steak ("9"), so let's not duck our responsibilities. ("10") Let's have no more beefing ("11") because the next one's for the chop ("12"). And now let us join together in a little song entitled Sir Loin, It's Been Good To Gnaw You!" ("14 - it's a record!" HURRAY!)
Oh deer, how udderly offal!
Venisona: Begining as a funereal sounding version of "All Things Bright and Beautiful" and ending with a rousing chrous, in a similar style to "We Are The Lads Of The MCC", "I Am A Carnivore" is guaranteed to strike fear in the hearts of all vegetarians. Indeed, if there were a country called Carnivoria, where the national pastime was eating meat, this would be their national anthem and a very grand one it would be. But like many national anthems, "I Am A Carnivore" is the kind of song that makes you feel proud and patriotic by remarking on how grand it is to kill and conquer. Thus we are urged to eat meat for breakfast, lunch and tea every day, to mercilessly munch up bits of moo cow, pigs and baa lambs, to liver a fowl life and to chomp, chomp, chomp as we go. But it doesn't end there, oh no. Graeme, never one to do things by halves, invites us to come home and eat his wife. And she is no doubt lovely, we can only hope that before she has an apple stuffed in her mouth and sprigs of parsley stuck in her ears, that she thinks of cooking the furniture.
WHY?
My-kill: This carnivorous craze of the Goodies is nothing new, make no bones about it. It probably started simmering when they starved for several days at Uncle Tom's farm rather than eating his awful battery produce, then bubbled away when Bill stuffed a roast chicken down his trousers so as not to go hungry while potholing, and came to the boil when he formed the Freedom Of Vegetables League and barbecued a bunny in front of an audience of aggrieved animals. Add in Tim and Graeme's desire to digest all endangered species in Dodonuts and the partaking of traditional delicacies like black pudding, hamsterburgers and terrapins in various episodes, and it's pretty obvious that these three lads just aren't the type to saddle up for hippy stuff like lentil stew and alfalfa sprouts, much preferring the thrill and bloodlust of the hunt instead.
For all this gratification of the gut though, the opportunity to unload a bunch of decaying puns was also gobbled up quicker than taxpayer-funded food in a parliamentary dining room. But lets face it, venison opportunity like this heifer going to re-veal itself in the flesh again?! So to stay a cut above the rest, they obviously decided to make some cleaver remarks and abbatoir-iffic time of it!
At this point, Venisona Redgravy has had to make a desperate dash to t' meditation room to purify her imperfect body and soul, and the air is sure to be heavy with mystic scents! The tasty entree of barbecued badger balls (my favourite!) and meaty main course of Cousteau & Chips and Kentucky Fried Bellamy obviously proved too much for her to stomach, and gobbling the golden egg-laying goose has no doubt left her feeling a little down in the mouth! (BOO HISS!) Before Venisona left, she turned down an Oscar (mainly because he hadn't been taken out of his trash can before being cooked!), but she'll probably settle for a nibble of some Kermit the frog's legs, as she is sick of eating "bloody sparrow sandwiches" for the past six months. In any event, we've saved her a doggy bag - full of Frankenfido and Cuddly Scamp Hairylegs Of Cricklewood, no less!
HOW!
Using the Black Pudding Ratings System:
MUSIC: III Goody Goody Yum Yum
SINGING/LYRICS: III Goody Goody Yum Yum
HUMOUR: III Goody Goody Yum Yum
ALL TOGETHER NOW: III Goody Goody Yum Yum
* Next month we review "WILD THING" *
5. GOODIES TRIVIA QUIZ
by quizmaster David McAnally
1: What did the episodes "The Music Lovers" and "For Those In Peril On The Sea" have in common?
2: In "The Goodies and the Beanstalk", the Goodies impersonated three of the Marx Brothers. Which Goody impersonated which Marx Brother?
3: During which song did the Goodies impersonate the Marx Brothers in "The Goodies and the Beanstalk"?
4 There has been evidence of aliens in four of The Goodies episodes. Which were they - and what was the evidence of aliens in each of these episodes?
Answers in next month's edition.
6. GOODIES CHRISTMAS CROSSWORD SOLUTION
So ... how did you fare with David McAnally's brilliant brain-bursting bumper Christmas crossword puzzle?! Quite possibly a lot better than a certain anonymous Queen who issued this urgent message to the nation:
"Good evening. I'm sure that you are all well aware ... as indeed my husband and I are also aware ... that the whole Goodies Clarion & Globe has been overrun by a plague of crossword clues. My government and I have tried everything within our power to solve this puzzle, but to be honest, we are flummoxed. And so I am making this proclaimation ... (trumpet blast and gasp for breath!) ... To whomsoever can solve this flipping Goodies crossword puzzle, I will give the hand of my eldest son in marriage and one thousand OBE's".
Say no more, Your Majesty, we shall do it. I must say that I'd prefer Charlie's ear rather than his hand though, as I need a new mudguard for my Mini, and the OBE's will be nice for our members just as long as you give us a thousand Earls as well (so that we can all become EarlOBEs!). Here's the solution, with many thanks again to David for his great effort:
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And now, another royal proclaimation: ... "Ohh! Gordon Bennett!!"
7. FROM BARD TO VERSE
In just six days time, our favourite fuzzy-chopped loony scientist, Graeme Garden, celebrates the 56th anniversary of his birth in the land of "Hoots Toots Och Aye The Noo", so we'd like to acknowledge this momentous occasion with a suitable gift. But what can you possibly give a man who himself made the following statement to Bill in the Earthanasia episode: "But I've done everything. I mean, I'm not a creature of the flesh like you. I'm a loony scientist and I've done it all. Giant kittens, monster cods, Eddie Waring impressions ... (babble, babble ... !)"
One unkind soul suggested a long haired Peruvian gerbil pate coating (like Bill wore also in Earthanasia), however he has had his botty soundly smacked and has also been beheaded ... twice ... for such insolence! Therefore we have little option but to give Graeme a gift from the Goodies Rule - OK Loony Laureate - me - of some more vexatious verse:
It's time for another Goody birthday tribute
To the man in a slip-on brown corduroy suit
With thick-rimmed glasses that make him look wise
And those "fuzzy chops" sideburns of incredible size
Who is he, you ask - well that's not a hard 'un
It could only be the great Graeme Garden
An absolute legend of the comedy scene
And the looniest scientist on the tv screen
Although The Goodies finished years ago
We fans still idolise such a brilliant show
So Graeme, although we're not too sane
Please accompany us down Memory Lane
You continually came up with madcap inventions
Usually created with the best of intentions
Like your TARDIS-style office with room to move
A cure for Tony Blackburn, New Improved Snooze
But every so often you ran off the rails
Creating a pirate post office to deliver the mail
In black-clad garb, such vitriol you hurled
"Today the post office, tomorrow the world!"
Greedy Graeme at the OK Tea Rooms bunfight
Sending rabbits to the moon on a cruel space flight
Encasing the office in a block of concrete
And a plague of Rolf Harrises was hardly a treat
Your inventive lunacy had a crowning feature
The creation of some unforgettable creatures
Kitten Kong demolishing the Post Office tower
Big Bunny on the moon showing off "wabbit power"
Frankenfido on the trandem pedalling away
Your robot, his tin trollop and some way-hey-hey
The Almighty Cod slowly being driven nuts
By an endless Max Bygraves tune inside its guts
You had so many other interesting parts
A punk waiter and doctor, the strange Arthur C. Clarke
The Lone Scout and his "500 quid a job week" sting
Celtic Kilty, Kerry Thwacker, an ad man flogging string
Those fabulous babbling Eddie Waring impressions
A wild west gunfighter in an epic movie session
Spreading the clown virus all over the place
Converting the office to a car to compete in the race
A runaway stuffed gibbon after a magic spell
Those spectacular falls which we all know so well
A voice box in your computer almost got you a wife
But sucking up to Mildred Makepiece just got you in strife!
You only dragged up on the rare occasion
Olivia Newton Grayboots was quite a sensation
Amazing Gracie, Princess Anne, they sort of looked prim
Though not nearly as sexy as a cross-dressed Tim!
Your loony scientist role ceased many years back
But it certainly left a lasting impact
I'm sure that those great childhood memories
Spurred me on to complete my science degree
I've now worked in a lab for over ten years
And in a little back room where no-one else peers
Sits the great Frankenfido, nearly back in one piece
I just need darker sunglasses so I can install Donny's teeth!
So until we share the novelty breeds prize at Crufts
All the best with your other top comedy stuff
You and Tim on "Clue" are as funny as ever
And "If I Ruled The World" is wickedly clever
If you really did rule over the human race
There's no doubt the world would be a much funnier place
From the Goodies Rule OK and all of our members
Graeme, may your birthday be one to remember
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DOCTOR GRAYBUNGLES!
8.THE END
That's about it for another month, but we thought that it might be appropriate to finish with some material from I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue (ISIHAC), as this is the ongoing (and long running) radio comedy commitment for Tim and Graeme, who are regular panelists. It also features Barry Cryer (who featured in one Goodies episode when he imitated Max Bygraves singing "Tulips From Amsterdam" in Almighty Cod - what a claim to fame!) as a regular panelist, with a guest panelist in each episode since the sad death of Willie Rushton a couple of years ago.
If you think that the C&G writers make some groaningly gruesome puns (yep!), check out the following responses to the request of "films to suit an audience of hairdressers, barbers and the like" from an episode in their 1998 series:
(Barry): Dye Hard ... with the artist formerly known as Rinse.
(Tim): Hair ... the director's cut
(Graeme): The one you've been waiting for ... (in wild west outlaw voice) ... Bring me the head and shoulders of Alfredo Garcia!
(Barry): They dyed with their roots done
(Tim): All of those films by Lassie's only canine rival - Rinse Tints Tints
(Graeme): Perms of endearment
(Graeme) Indiana Jones and the last pomade ... starring Shorn Completely and Hair Extension Ford
(Barry): Top Bun
(Graeme): And from Disney, Peter Pantene Pro V Plus.
And so in the words of ISIHAC chairman Humphrey Lyttelton: "As the scales of time are confronted by the Vanessa Feltz of eternity and the cubicle of destiny is selected by the George Michael of fate", we notice that it's the end of the C&G.
Watch this space next month for everything you ever wanted to know about the club's very own Goodies t-shirts. Goodies t-shirts are coming for you and you and you (at last!)
Au revoir ... "No, goodbye!" ... until March 12th.
The C&G Team.
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DISCLAIMER
This is an archive newsletter of The Goodies Rule - OK! International Fan Club (copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 1999). Some of the information in this newsletter may now be incorrect. Current information can be obtained from http://www.goodiesruleok.com
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