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GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #10  -  SHE WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND

(from C&G #37  December 1998)

Hi there pop pickers and welcome to this month's music review.

WHO?

Last month's hosts Hopalong Charity and Alanis "Fluffy" Freeperson just can't stop bopping and spacehopping along to their infectious tune, and even a few whiffs of "certain substances" in an attempt to calm them down has only got them more spaced out than ever. Emergency therapy using a SleepalongaMax Volume 98 album is presently under way (if that doesn't quieten 'em down, Little Jimmy Osmond will!), but progress will be painfully slow, just like the ruddy awful singing! So for now we'll flick our knob to your disgusting DJ's Big Fat Willie (AKA Brett Allender) and Raving Dolly Model Sinderella (interested swingers e-mail carrot@wantree.com.au) (AKA Alison Bean) and their review of "SHE WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND" by The Goodies.

WHERE? WHEN?

On their 1970's album "Nothing To Do With Us".

WHAT?

Lyrics: sung by Bill

[spoken:]  You know, it is a beautiful thing when a woman trusts a man, like my wife trusts me. We've been married, oh, going on ten years now and she has always said to me, she don't want me to have no secrets from her.  She said whatever I do, whatever I am, she would rather know.  But you know, I know she don't mean that, 'coz she's a very jealous woman, and there's some things I could tell her that would surely break her heart.  And lately, well I … I think maybe I've been doing some of those things.  And you know, I can't tell her, but I've gotta tell someone.

I've got a thing going on with my secretary

I've got a thing going on with the secretary in the office next door

I've got yet another thing going on with the lady who comes in to clean on Wednesdays

And the most amazing thing going on with the lady who comes in to clean on Wednesday's mother-in-law

I've got a slightly embarrassing thing going on with conductress on the bus to work each morning

And one helluva thing going on with a clutch of schoolgirls on the way back at night

Well sometimes I want to tell my wife that I've got this little secret

But somehow … somehow I guess I know she simply wouldn't buy it

[CHORUS:]

Oh she wouldn't understand (No, no, no, no)

No she wouldn't understand (No, no, no, no)

I know she wouldn't understand (No, no, no, no)

A man will be a man (Ohh, ohh) {first chorus}; A man must be a man (Ohh, ohh) {following choruses}

[spoken:]  Oh if only I could make her understand.  If only I could say, "Darling I know I fool around a little, but that doesn't mean I don't love you".  Sure I love you, it's just that, well, I love everybody else too!  I love your sister, I love your best friend, ooh I love her sister, and I don't feel entirely platonic about her husband!  Damn, when things get bad I even love my dog.  Not to mention the hamster.  Gee if only I could make you realise, it don't mean I love you less, just less often!  You see darling, after ten years of marriage I suddenly realise I have an irresistable tendency to screw everything in sight.

Oh when I go away from home on business

I like to have me a few friends up to my hotel room (My hotel room)

Just a couple of barmaids, three Chinese air hostesses and a lady wrestler (Wrestler)

A sheep, a girl with one leg and a great big black coon (Great big black coon)

We all cover ourselves with raspberry yoghurt and we lick it off one another (Another)

We change clothes, change partners and have the time of our lives (Time of our lives)

Well maybe I'm being kind of unfair to her

But somehow I just can't bring myself to invite my wife

[REPEAT CHORUS]

Well that's all I am, that's all I am

[REPEAT CHORUS]

Sinderella: 'It's a beautiful thing when a woman trusts a man', notes Bill ironically, before detailing his numerous affairs. And it seems that neither his wife, nor his regular posse of lovers are enough, especially when he goes away on business. Most people on business trips are content to spend the night in their hotels room, with only the TV for company, but not Bill - he likes to invite a couple friends back to his room. Just a couple of bar maids, three Chinese air hostesses, a lady wrester, a sheep, a girl with one leg and a great big raccoon. But if you think they're all sit around watching TV then you're obviously living in some kind of Mrs Desiree Carthorse fantasyland (not that she likes watching TV of course). When Bill has 'friends' back to his room, they relax by covering themselves in raspberry yogurt and licking it off one another, before changing clothes, changing partners and having the time of their lives. But does he tell his wife? No – she wouldn't buy it, although I believe some mail-order video makers from Canberra have expressed interest…

WHY?

Big Fat Willie: Long before Slick Willy Clinton and his presidential peccadillos, there was another Bill who, despite being happily married, just couldn't control himself when the slightest opportunity arose for some 'way hey hey and a spot of bunny fun'. The similarities end there (close baby, but no cigar!!), because this little Willy went to market on far more than a few measly White House interns, as detailed earlier. This song was obviously an attempt to dispel those nasty 'three men living and sleeping together' rumours about the Goodies once and for all by Bill telling everyone (except his darling wife, of course!) about his exploits, but the admission that he even loves his dog (and the hamster) when things get bad definitely poses more worrying questions than it answers!

Sinderella: Thousands of years ago, Bill's ancestor turned down the advances of a rather kinky Roman Emperor. Failing to attract Bill with orgy invitations or pert pears with bulbous botties and squishy juice, the Emperor nevertheless seems to have given the ancient Bill some ideas, which he must have then passed on to his offspring. Generations later, the result is a hybrid mega-kinky super shagger and whether Bill's having a casual affair with his secretary or a fully blown fraise frommage frottage frolic, he is one Willy who gets stuck in. Of course there are a few minor problems with this, like the fact that he's cheating on his wife, but the main thrust of Bill's argument (and a lot of other things) is that 'a man will be a man' (Bill's definition of 'man' apparently being 'cheating bastard').

But if you had the choice between a quiet night in with the wife or a night of unbridled passion, what would you choose? You'd choose the orgy, wouldn't you?! Don't deny it! Of course, the problem with this option is that despite the fact that raspberry yogurt licking sessions generally occur when people are naked, there is the likelihood that discarded clothes may get splashed with it. And as the aforementioned other Bill proved, sticky white stuff on discarded clothing can give new meaning to the phrase 'going down'. And while claiming to have no idea what sex is or bombing Iraq may not have worked for that Bill, our Bill could perhaps pacify his wife with a peach flavoured yoghurt thereby getting down to some seriously enjoyable impeachment!

HOW!

Using the Black Pudding Ratings System:

MUSIC: Big Fat Willie: III Goody Goody Yum Yum; Sinderella: III Goody Goody Yum Yum.

SINGING/LYRICS: Big Fat Willie: IIII Officially Amazing; Sinderella: IIIII Superstar.

HUMOUR: Big Fat Willie: IIII Officially Amazing; Sinderella: IIIII Superstar.

ALL TOGETHER NOW: Big Fat Willie: IIII Officially Amazing; Sinderella: IIIII Superstar.

THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM

IIIII - Superstar.

IIII  - Officially amazing.

III   - Goody goody yum yum.

II    - Fair-y punkmother.

I     - Tripe on t' pikelets.