The Official Goodies Rule - OK! Fan Club Website

THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE

THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB

Issue No. 55 15th July 2000

thegoodies@oztek.net.au

'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

Tim Chmielewski, Daniel Bowen, Brian Labza, Jonathan Sloman.

1. BOFFO IDEAS - Club happenings and ideas.

2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

3. FEATURE ARTICLE - Kitten Kong

- The Golden Rose Of Montreux 1972

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY - The New Office.

5. THE END - Famous First Words & Goodies Chat Up Lines.

You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail thegoodies@oztek.net.au with your comments, ideas or suggestions.

GROK CLUB WEBSITE

You may well be wondering why our club website hasn't been updated since mid-March and still lists the Kitten Kon convention at Easter as a coming event.

There have been a number of contributing reasons for this including the need for committee members to have a break after the convention and the changing of the fan club leadership, but the main factor has been various changes at Oztek which have required Tim Aslat (our Technical Officer) to look at establishing a new and permanent domain for our website.

The impending move to our own domain will allow Tim to do a lot more things with the website than is possible at present. Already he has been working on a frames-based site that is much easier to navigate, and in addition to having all of the information of our current website, it will contain plenty of new material including photos from Kitten Kon and a facility for members to update their own profiles just for starters. In time there will also be features like an on-line chat room, message board and upcoming events section, so the updated site will definitely be worth the wait!

We are now very close to finalising a domain name and launching the new website for you to view and provide us with feedback, so expect a "Prune Flash" in the coming weeks about this exciting development for the fan club!

KITTEN KON MERCHANDISE

As a follow-up to last month's report, Tracey Baird informs us that all of the regular yellow club t-shirts ordered at Kitten Kon have now been posted out, as have most of the supporters packs and sets of badges. There are still a few Kitten Kon t-shirts on back order, and in some cases these will also have supporters packs and badges which will be sent out with the t-shirts when they are ready. Please direct any enquiries to Tracey at <tra4ce@bigpond.com>.

Those of you who pre-registered early for Kitten Kon will receive an e-mail or letter in the coming weeks about a special offer for purchasing a signed Goodies photo, so stay tuned to Radio Goodies for that one! Hopefully we will also have further news about production of the Kitten Kon video in the next edition too.

ON-LINE OPPOSITION

David Balston points out that there is a Goodies Yahoo fan club with pages at http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/thegoodies .

They appear to be a newly established club with 16 members so far and have formed because there didn't seem to be any other Goodies fan clubs on the Net. It's a little surprising that they didn't come across our club when searching because we're listed in the Yahoo directory, but it's good to see that there are other Goodies fans who are willing to set up their own website about our favourite show.

BIRTHDAY GOODIES

We would all deserve to have our botties soundly smacked and then be beheaded (twice!) if, as a Goodies fan club, we forgot to acknowledge that two of our "superchaps three" are celebrating their birthdays during July.

Firstly Birdman Bill chalked up birthday number 59 on the 7th, so many happy returns Bill, and we hope that you were able to celebrate by spotting some unusual birds and not tipping your cake upside down on your head in a fit of rage after reading your card!

And in just two days time Tim celebrates his 60th birthday - a major milestone (not millstone, Tim!), so congratulations and best wishes to you on behalf of all members of the GROK fan club, especially after your "officially amazing" contribution to the success of Kitten Kon at Easter.

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen a Goodie recently, e-mail thegoodies@oztek.net.au with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

SEALAND - OUTSIDE THE FIVE MILE LIMIT

(with the assistance of contributions from Tim Chmielewski, Daniel Bowen and Brian Labza to Goodies-L)

Not exactly a Goodies spotting, but the sighting of a good, good Goodies idea which appears to be coming to fruition in real life some thirty years after Graeme first came up with it. Any Goodies fan worth their weight in black puddings will have either seen or read about the brilliant "Radio Goodies" episode from the very first series where Graeme firstly sets up a pirate radio station and post office on an underwater boat outside the five mile limit, then hits upon the megalomaniacal idea of towing the whole of Great Britain outside the five mile limit so that he can take over as leader of a pirate state.

It seems as though some of the internet industry's movers and shakers must have been Goodies fans in their youth too, as a former gun platform anchored in the stormy North Sea outside the 5-mile limit from the UK is about to become Sealand - the first Internet data haven and the home of a 'pirate' internet server in order to bypass the surveillance planned in the UK and US (and the world's smallest country to boot).

There was a rather interesting article on Sealand (with a photograph of it looking not entirely unlike a certain pirate radio station, but larger!) in the Computing supplement of "The Australian" newspaper on Tuesday 13 June. The article originated in USA or Europe news services, and was featured in other newspapers around the country. There is also an article on-line at http://www.wired.com/news/business/0,1367,36749,00.html?tw=wn20000606 .

Apparently Sealand has sufficient food and power supplies, as well as ammunition, to survive a year ... and to think that the Goodies made do with only the one gun to shoot down the passing balloons carrying letters and just one record - the ubiquitous "A Walk In The Black Forest" - for entertainment!

PRINCE WILLIAM'S WAISTCOAT

- ONE IS DEFINITELY AMUSED!

Hot on the heels of Sealand, we also find significant international press coverage being given to a second piece of despicable plagiarism of an original Goodies icon - Tim's famous Union Jack waistcoat being proudly sported by none other than Prince William! In the accompanying articles, it mentioned that William's waistcoat was inspired by the Austin Powers films, but Mike Myers himself has previously stated that The Goodies were a major early influence on his comedy style, so credit where credit's due, young Will!

Despite the craven cowardice of his patriotic monarchist character in the show, this just might be Tim's big opportunity to finally request that long-overdue OBE in lieu of not sueing the stuffing out of the house of Windsor for this flagrant breach of copyright!

And for anyone who hasn't seen the photo of Prince William in his Union Jack waistcoat, Daniel Bowen has kindly provided the following URL to Goodies-L:

(scroll to about two-thirds of the way down the page)

MORNINGTON CRESCENT GETS A GONG

by Lisa Manekofsky (with acknowledgement to Vicki Conlan who wrote the original article)

I found this post in the newsgroup alt.games.mornington.cresent. It was dated Tuesday, 20 June 2000.

"Piece on the Metro Travel page:

It's top of the mornington...

Mornington Crescent was today voted the best Tube station in London by listeners to the capital's newest radio station - BBC London Live. Comedian Barry Cryer, from Radio 4's comedy class "I'm sorry I haven't a clue", where Mornington Crescent has become a catchphrase, will present the award to station boss Nick Orange. Simon Bell, from London Live, said "People liked how it has been restored to its former glory, while others liked the friendliness of the staff"

And there's a pic of GG, BC, Philip Carter of LU, and T B-T hiding away behind him, looking like he's snuck onto the pic whilst no-one was looking. :-)"

I found the following article on-line, but not the photo mentioned in the newsgroup posting (darn!):

JOAN SIMS AND HER CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE GOODIES KIND

contributed by Jonathan Sloman.

The following is an extract from Joan Sims' autobiography, 'High Spirits', about her experience

of appearing on 'The Goodies':

"Working with Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie for a couple of episodes of 'The Goodies' was also wonderful fun. The first occasion cast me as a hard-bitten American gangster pitted against June Whitfield in a struggle to rule the world of ballroom dancing ('The Goodies' always did go for the daft plots!), and in the second I played a nanny figure who is suddenly transformed into a power-mad despot. That second episode brought my one and only experience of the idiot board, and I wish I'd never gone near the damn thing. I had to deliver a long and complicated rant, and, try as I might, I just couldn't commit the words to memory. I confessed this to Bill Oddie, who suggested the idiot board; so, having strolled through the early part of my scene, I turned in the direction of the studio audience, focused on the board and started the speech. It was disastrous. The further I read, the more I seemed to be decending into gibberish. I had no feel for the words I was saying, and I completely lost my character. My voice got higher and higher, and by the end of the speech most of the cast and crew were laughing as uproariously as the audience. Audiences take a perverse pleasure from seeing an actor in difficulty, and the more my discomfort increased, the more they loved it. I stumbled my way to the end of the speech, but never resorted to the idiot board again."

Moral: Don't always trust Bill Oddie's judgement!

LAND OF POPE AND GLORY ON BBC PRIME

The Goodies series will be returning to BBC Prime's schedule on Friday, July 14th. It appears that the show is scheduled to air on Fridays at 23:30. BBC Prime is a satellite channel which is available in many countries around the world but, unfortunately, not in the UK, Australia, or the United States. A full list of countries where the channel is available (along with a weekly schedule) can be found on BBC Prime's web site: http://www.bbcprime.com/ .

It's also interesting to note that the channel is available in Vatican City - it's an amusing image to picture the Pope and some cardinals tuning in for their weekly viewing of the Goodies... ;)

The first of the new series of the Motion Show was recorded at Broadcasting House on Friday 7th July for transmission the following Thursday and this series sees Graeme Garden taking over the role of chairman.

"Have you heard the show before?" asked Graeme, "Is it any good" he continued.

Regular panellists are Steve Punt from the 'Mary Whitehouse Experiences' and Jenny Eclair joined by comedians Dan Gaster and Simon Fanshawe who hosts Radio 4 live from London which recently featured Bill Oddie.

The idea of the show is that a panellist would propose a motion, another one would oppose the notion and Graeme would call on the audience to voteby shouting aye or nay.

To be honest, it was only the brilliant speeches from Steve Punt and the comments from Graeme which prevented this from being a very weak show. Jenny Eclair didn't match the calibre of fellow regular panellist Steve Punt, and guests Simon and Dan really didn't get into the swing of things either.

Motions included 'We don't need the new country' which saw Steve speaking against American influences, 'We must keep the north west divide' and 'We prefer failure to the success'. The show rounded off with an 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue' type quick fire round where Graeme gave part of a notion which the panellists had to complete.

It's good to see Graeme doing another radio show but he was playing the straight man to the panellists, he got to say a few scripted witty lines to introduce the motions and also manage to get in a few adlibs (Jenny accused Graeme of spelling his name in that of Southern way and Graeme corrected her slightly in the fact that it was the Northern way of spelling it.

A pleasant enough show, Graeme and Steve were brilliant, the others, well given time and maybe given a few more editions they will get better.

This episode was aired on Radio 4 on Thursday 13 July from 6.30-7pm.

THE MOTION SHOW - IN MOTION

Whilst browsing the Edinburgh Fringe website I noticed that two episode of The Motion Show with Graeme Garden are being recorded at the Pleasence Theatre on the afternoon of Monday 7th August as part of the Fringe. Tickets are free. The website has all the details - http://www.edfringe.com/ .

Graeme will be appearing with Tim in another edition of 'Call My Bluff' on Friday 21st July at 12.30pm on BBC1.

AUNTIE'S GOLDEN BLOOMERS

BBC1 broadcasted an extended version of 'Auntie's Golden Bloomers' on Saturday 8th July which included the Goodies blooper from "The End" with the gramophone, ending with Tim trying break the record..

SATAN STALKS THE (CLARION AND) GLOBE

by Catherine Sumnall.

Our serialisation of the shocking, adapted, and slightly changed "Man of Soup" radio show continues, and indeed both begins and ends here.

An intrepid observer, piteously lost in the realm of Slomsovakia valiantly attempted to cobble a story just hours before his deadline.

Using the tried, tested and subjudicae Dallaglio method, he took on the guise of an inept cafe bar worker, and lay in waiting for the arrival of tyrannous Bill Oddie. The evil personage set out to convince the innocent bystanders of his ultimate wish to see a "Central European White Rumped Warbler", then subjecting them to a perverse musical interlude - tellingly using his own satanic form of jazz. However, the gallant reporter was not to be perturbed when all about him were losing their heads.

But disaster struck. The fine feathered creatures were actually discovered, secreted in a wardrobe. So rare was this find that Oddie managed to depose Slomsovakia's leader and set up a UN nature reserve in one foul swoop (boom, boom). All appeared lost: Oddie had brought beauty and love for the nation. What was left for a journalist to write about now? As he prepared to return home, full of gloom and without a story, he drew comfort from the fact that this was the era where in Britain a slightly well-known 16year old could not get drunk without a national outcry. He silently rejoiced that the public would swallow anything he cooked up.

Yet even as he was preparing to face the unseemly toils of using his imagination, the dark dilemma continued [sorry to all those who were hoping for a sensible review!]. Unaware of the power of circumstance, he ventured towards the wedding of two of his colleagues. A chirpy middle-aged bird watcher was also plotting an appearance. Peril loomed, as his hidden tape recorder revealed...

BO: I have come to collect.

BO: Collect what I was promised. I delivered what you wanted, right? The country's saved, right? I did my bit, so now I want your immortal souls. All of them.

X: But you said that you just wanted the bird!

X: So wait a minute. We thought that you were... {Bill Oddie}.But you really are...Satan!

BO: No, no, no disguise. This is what I really look like.

X: You're saying that you, Bill Oddie, and Satan are...

BO: Exactly. The one and the same person. Always were, always will be.

X: But you were in the Goodies!

BO: The title was ironic.

X: Ironic? You're telling me that the Goodies was an early manifestation of post-modernism?

BO: Quite! A wickedly post-modern melage of irony, spiced with wacky comedy and fun-packed songs, subtly designed to subvert the morals of Britain's youth throughout the seventies. And turn the on to social injustice, selfishness and greed! Mwahaha!

BO: Remember the eighties? I think so!

X: But, but, Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor? Were they in on this evil scheme too? What have you done with them? Where are they?!

BO: Sorry...I haven't a clue.

CLUE SPRINGS INTO ACTION AGAIN

The final two editions of the Spring 2000 series of 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue' were recorded on 11th June 2000 at the Lyttleton Theatre which is part of the world famous 'Royal National Theatre' - yes, look impressed. The similarity of the Theatre's name to Humphrey's didn't go unnoticed as Humph suggested that the theatre was named after him as he had appeared in that particular theatre, up to and including that night's recording - once.

The greatest of news was that Graeme made a very welcome return and was on top form and the good news for music lovers everywhere was that the guest this time round was Stephen Fry who got to excel in the Swanee kazoo and Pickup Song rounds.

Scoring duties on both shows were taken by Samantha who wore a different glamorous outfit for each edition.

The introduction gave Humphrey the opportunity to mention the Robert Ross' Goodies night at the NFT even though it got snipped for the transmitted edition, shame as you would have heard our little gang cheering like mad, hmm, maybe that's why they cut it.

The advantage of it being the last in the series was that they were able to have another bash at a few games which were edited out of previous editions such as Breakfast Radio were the teams had to interview a couple of SAS men without accidentally let them say anything interesting, relay song were Tim and Stephen had to sing one word of 'Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious' per person and Tim did the decent thing of letting poor Steve eventually struggle to the answer of a sound charade performed on a previous show, well Tim wasn't spoiling his fun by letting on.

Thanks to the publication of the 'Little Book of Mornington Crescent' the audience had no problems whatsoever of following the game as, believe it or not, even audience members have been confused about the game in the past.

The shows were not without a few new innovations either as the very successful format of those murder weekends was successfully cleverly adapted for the medium of radio and they even found room to mention 'The Goodies' new found celebrity fans 'The League of Gentlemen'

What a great way to round off the series, the first in which I attended every episode, roll on the autumn.

For keen Clue fans, there is also an 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue' mailing list with details at http://www.isihac.co.uk/

THE MOST GUSHING BOOK REVIEW YOU EVER DID SEE!

by Catherine Sumnall.

The villainous Robert Ross has developed yet another certain best seller, using the sure fire method of totally cornering the market. Never will there be a more definitive textbook for confirming dim memories steeped in television history that XXX did appear in YYY, or in my case, uncomfortably wondering whether I must have dreamt Bill Oddie on "The Really Wild Show".

However, grave questions must be asked. "Where has this veritable feast of information come from?" might be one. If anyone wants the full, remorseless review of "Follow that Bird" on stage, *I* can provide it. Look, I'm pleading with you here, do ask. After receiving by due share of royalties, I can now say what I really thought...

The most stomach-churningly difficult challenge with this is to peruse the pages from A-Z, without skipping to its climax: G. You need to allow the suspense to build, it seems. The Goodies episode guide alone constitutes

over a third of the hefty tome, but Ross' skills are not to be underestimated here. In contrast to the heavy factual content of the Monty Python Encyclopaedia, an intoxicating enthusiasm pervades his critique, perfectly balancing a mixture of analysis and copious story-telling. In particular, his valiant defence of the unjustly maligned "South Africa" episode almost reaches the heights of one infamous "quality of mercy" defence itself. I'm not sure but it's Shakespeare rather the Hancock's Half Hour isn't it?!

The rest of the volume donates a well-deserved chunk to the phenomenon of "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again", its equally amazing comrade "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue", and the sadly missed "At Last! The 1948 Show" & "Broaden Your Mind". "If I Ruled The World" featuring the adorable Jeremy Hardy too, is paid suitable homage, and the wondrous, incomparable feat that is "Bananaman" , is a joy to relive - for me at least. I never really had a chance to grow up normally!

Most impressively though, Ross manages to use that fantastic word "juxtaposed" an inordinate number of times; and another enjoyable pastime besides reading it, is to count the less than subtle references to a certain John, Paul, George and Ringo combo. I lost track after the prologue which featured a highly commendable yet bizarre link between two lots of genius, via the Lennon poem "Deaf Ted, Danoota (and Me)".

I suggest you procure this book by any means necessary - even buy it if you have to - but, if you must wait for the reprint, do give the redoubtable Robert Ross a contract in the meantime to expose the pleasures of the sublime Peter Cook (to whom he craftily devotes a section) or the ubiquitous, similarly timeless Beatles!

These are the confirmed dates for "Why Me" - Tim Brooke-Taylor's latest on-stage performance:

27 July - 5 August Churchill Theatre Bromley, Bromley 020 84606677

7 - 12 August Yvonne Arnaud Theatre, Guildford 01483 440000

21 - 26 August Eden Court Theatre, Inverness 01463234 234

29 August - 2 Sep Theatre Royal, Norwich 01603 630 000

4 - 9 September Wycombe Swan, High Wycombe 01494 512 000

12 - 16 September Marlowe Theatre, Canterbury 01227787 787

The following dates are provisional

18 - 23rd September Eastbourne

25th - 30th September - Peterborough

16th - 21st October - Brighton

3. FEATURE ARTICLE

- THE GOLDEN ROSE OF MONTREUX 1972

Among the incredible array of items which Tim Brooke-Taylor brought to Australia for the charity auction at Kitten Kon, there were a few copies of a small booklet which the BBC prepared for the entry of The Goodies episode "Kitten Kong" for "The Golden Rose of Montreux 1972". In addition to an excellent array of photographs, the booklet also contains some very interesting text about The Goodies itself, and Lisa Manekofsky (a proud owner of a copy of the booklet after her successful auction bid!) has kindly transcribed the text below for everyone's enjoyment:

THE GOODIES were first created by BBC TV in 1970. The format was simple: the three characters, the Goodies - as opposed to the Baddies, would do anything, any time. Especially for money. Tim Brooke-Taylor is the English public school boy, Graeme Garden the scientist and Bill Oddie the hippie. All exaggerations of their real characters.

THE GOODIES are in the television tradition of the BBC's 'It's a Square World', 'Marty', and 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'. The plots are outrageous and surrealistic. They are masters of visual humour and instead of relying on verbal gags, draw freely from cartoons in the use of zany effect and under-cranked film Furthermore, as Tim, Graeme and Bill are the show's writers as well as the stars, they go to work with tremendous gusto.

In this festival episode, the Goodies decide that fortunes are to be made from the wealthy owners of loony animals. They set up a clinic and all goes relatively well until they come across Twinkle, a tiny kitten with enormous strength. The Goodies decide she is too strong for her size and put her on a special diet to cure this.

Twinkle attains enormous proportions with an appetite to match. Let out for the night, she devours the whole of St. Paul's Cathedral plus the GPO Tower and licks her lips at the prospect of Buckingham Palace. The Goodies obviously have to do something about Twinkle. After some dangerous and hair-raising adventures they do succeed in bringing her back to normal size. But someone, or something has been eating the kitten's special food.

[a photo of each of the Goodies appears under the following descriptions of their characters]:

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR - the respectable front-man, representative of the Establishment.

GRAEME GARDEN - the back-room boy who produces all the clever stuff.

BILL ODDIE - the aggressive one!

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR, born Buxton, Derbyshire in 1940 was schooled at Winchester and graduated with an Economics and Law degree from Cambridge University. Now lives in London with his wife and two sons. Tim enjoys Buster Keaton films, roast lamb, ski-ing and travelling. He appeared in all the BBC TV 'Marty' programmes with Marty Feldman, and wrote and co-starred with Graeme and Bill in the BBC Television series 'Broaden Your Mind'.

GRAEME GARDEN, born Aberdeen, Scotland in 1943. Educated at Repton, Scotland and Cambridge University; qualified in Medicine at King's College, London. Graeme is married and has a little girl. In his spare time he likes painting and 'playing the banjo in private'. Co-writer with Bill Oddie of the 'Doctor in the House' series for London Weekend Television.

BILL ODDIE, born Rochdale, Lancashire in 1941. He went to school in Birmingham and then to Cambridge. Whilst at Cambridge he wrote scripts for BBC Television's 'That Was The Week That Was'. He has a wife and two children and lives in London. Bill is an enthusiastic bird-watcher; enjoys all sport, plays drums, saxophone and gramophone. Co-writer with Graeme of BBC TV's 'Twice a Fortnight' programme.

The team's 'togetherness' and timing stems from the fact that they have known each other for years - all three were Cambridge undergraduates and members of the famous Cambridge Footlights Club. After gaining individual fame as writers of tv comedy they came together in 1964 to write and perform in one of BBC Radio's most praised comedy series 'I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again' which speedily became cult listening.

JOHN HOWARD DAVIES had a successful career as a child-star and will always be remembered for his performance as 'Oliver' in the film Oliver Twist, directed by David Lean in 1948. After a public school education and National Service in the Royal Navy, John hitch-hiked to Australia where he acted in the theatre for four years. He joined the BBC in 1967 and has subsequently produced very many BBC Television hit comedy programmes including 'All Gas and Gaiters', 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' and two series of 'The Goodies'. He is currently producing 'Steptoe and Son' for BBC TV.

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

First transmitted: 4th February 1973

The Goodies' office is closed for redecoration, so they sit outside and suffer through the ear-splitting construction noise until Bill discovers that the racket stems from a tape recorder placed there by the builders. The workers are supposedly there to install new bookshelves and wallpaper, but after being in the office for six months, things are deathly quiet. Graeme burns their last bean which causes Tim to blubber that they are all going to die, so they all bang on the door to find out what is happening in there.

Once inside, they find the workers sitting around reading magazines amid a pile of tea mugs and Bill threatens to belt the building boss in frustration. The obnoxious builder tells them that his men do one week's work then six month's tea break and riled by Tim and Graeme, he gets his master craftsmen to utterly destroy the place before he demands payment, storms out and vows never to return.

The office is a wreck, so the Goodies head to Gazump, Grasper, Meanie and Snatch estate agents to buy a new office, with Graeme dressed as an old man, Tim as an old woman and Bill as a baby (complete with pink bonnet and big teddy bear) in a bid to win some sympathy with a sad sob story. House prices are going up rapidly as they watch and Mr Snatch (who bears an uncanny resemblance to the builder) offers them a few dodgy deals (although he can't build them anything because he is not the builder!), before he cons 100,000 pounds from them (as Bill conveniently carries 99,999 pounds and 36 1/2 pence with him!) for a plate-sized piece of dirt, then flees to the south of France with his receptionist Miss Lushboosie.

The Goodies decide to build their own disused railway station and after all sorts of crazy construction work, their new office is ready way out in the peaceful countryside. They unpack all of their various knick-knacks in their own divided office sections, including Tim's throne from the Balmoral jumble sale (with wet rot in one leg, thanks to the corgies), their Silver Rose awarded for 'Kitten Kong - Montreux 72' which Tim waters, then covers with gold paint and an elephant's foot umbrella stand, which brings a three legged elephant to the door in search of it!

Suburbia rapidly catches up with them though and the railway station is quickly surrounded by tracks and motorways, which forces them to tow the station away on the back of the trandem (as bowler hatted businessmen vainly chase behind). They find another peaceful location miles from anywhere which is eerily quiet until the silence is shattered by loud roaring noises. Tim thinks it's just a cow, but a peek outside reveals several huge dinosaur-like bulldozers and construction machines with nobody driving them.

The Goodies engage in a brave pitched battle with the monster machines, but are eventually cornered at the door to their office. However, working on the 'music soothes the savage beast' theory, they produce a saxophone, trumpet and drum and play a jazzy rhythm which draws the machines over the edge of a cliff and crashing into a quarry below.

* Tim: "Let me handle this. I know how to talk to workers. Ahem. Now look here my good man ..."

Builder: "Get stuffed!"

Tim (retreating): "Yes, sir!"

* Their crazy construction efforts, including Tim flying through the air like a helicopter when his drill gets stuck in a piece of wood, Tim and Graeme breaking a fake panel of glass and smoke coming out of a chimney placed on the ground followed by an irate Santa Claus.

* Bill taking his frustrations out on his Tony Blackburn punching ball!

* Tim producing a photo-card of Prince Charles with foldout ears prompting Bill to hang up a hot photo of a scantily clad girl on a motorbike. Tim then puts up a photo of the Queen sitting on a motorbike (fully clothed though) and Graeme responds to all this with a poster of Einstein on a motorbike (well, Einstein's face on a pretty girl's body at least!)

* The Goodies riding their trandem with the disused railway station in tow on the back

* Tim unleashing perhaps his most inspiring patriotic speech urging them to get out and fight these horrible machines ruining England's verdant greenery, ending with a rousing call of "Onward!". Bill and Graeme both shout "Onward!" and march out the door, but Tim closes it behind them and heaves a huge sigh of relief before they come charging back in to fetch him.

* Their battle with the machine dinosaurs, especially Graeme playing matador using his jacket, Tim almost losing his crown jewels to a flying drill and Bill playing conkers with a wrecking ball before the groovy music lures the beasts to their doom over a cliff and into a quarry.

Joe Melia, Julie Desmond

Football Stars Petrol Giveaway

Heanz Meanz Beanz - "My Favourite Supper"

An interesting change of direction for the show, with the new mobile office and the dinosaur-like machines attacking it providing heaps of amusing visual material to kick off the new series.

III Goody goody yum yum

THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM

IIII - Officially amazing.

III - Goody goody yum yum.

II - Fair-y punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

**UPCOMING REVIEWS**

August: Music Review: "Cricklewood"

September: Episode Summary: "Hunting Pink"

Once more, we wind up the C&G with further merriment from "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" the improvised comedy panel show starring Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer and Graeme Garden and chaired by Humphrey Lyttleton, with Colin Sell at the piano and the lovely scorers Samantha and Sven with an eye on whoever's farthest out in front! "ISIHAC" has been going for more than 30 series and is an icon of British radio comedy and a number of books and audio cassettes from the series are available from http://thegoodies.oztek.com.au/shop.html .

This month's "ISIHAC" round is Famous First Words - of people either still living ... or appearing on "Celebrity Squares"!

* Julian Clary - "Never again!"

* Sir David Frost - "Hello, good evening and talcum."

* Clint Eastwood - "Go ahead punk - cut my cord."

* Charlton Heston - "I'll break the waters if you don't mind."

* Arthur Scargill (union leader) - "I'm out. Everybody out!"

* Ronald McDonald - "Those dirty nappies give me a great idea!"

* The Queen (to midwife) - "And tell me, have you been doing this job for long?"

* Tom Jones - "No nurse, that's not the umbilical cord!"

* President Clinton - "Nurse, would you mind putting your hand on this?"

* Tony Blair - "You're right Mum. Labour leaves you knackered!"

And here's a further round from our very own "ISIHAC" panel at Kitten Kon, which featured Tim Brooke-Taylor as "Humph for a day" and panelists Tracey Baird, Gavin Hawkins, Alison Bean and Brett Allender.

As part of the service at Kitten Kon, we were even willing to assist people in finding their own Goody Goody Yum Yum soulmates; be it a Black Pudding Bertha, a Willy Snot, a Randy Pandy or even Graeme's computer if it's whatever turns you on! As the opening line is all important as to whether they give you the Eskimo cold shoulder or ask you to close your eyes and think of Crufts, we came up with the following sure-fire chat-up lines to help win the hand of a fellow Goodies fan in marriage (even if other Kon guests then ran off with the legs and the upper body!)

* Fancy a touch of way-hey-hey and a spot of bunny fun?

* Do you realise that it will be at least another 1 year, 7 months, 4 days, 3 hours, 5 minutes and 10.3 seconds before something better comes along?

* Is that your black pudding or are you just pleased to see me?

* Did the dinosaur stomach move for you?

* I suppose A Walk In The Black Forest is out of the question?

* When in rugby-mad Wacky Wales - mind if eistedfodd a while and played for touch?

* I'm making a g-e-n-d-e-r film for Mrs Desiree Carthorse, so can I borrow your rude bits?

* Well I'll be hornswaggled! Care to join me?

* You can exercise it all you like, and you will find some use for it here!

* Your disused railway station or mine?

And so ladies and gentlemen, as the defiant megalomaniac of time sinks with the Good Ship Saucy Gibbon of destiny and the bunfighter of fate is shot down by the tomato sauce squirter of eternity, we notice that it's the end of this month's C&G, so "hoots toots och aye the noo" until our next edition on August 12th.

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This is an archive newsletter of The Goodies Rule - OK! International Fan Club (copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 2000). Some of the information in this newsletter may now be incorrect. Current information can be obtained from http://www.goodiesruleok.com

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