The Official Goodies Rule - OK! Fan Club Website

THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE

THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB

Issue No. 84 17th December 2002

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'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER

FEATURE ARTICLE CONTRIBUTOR:

... AND 1000 MORE EARL OBEs TO:

Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year in 2003 to all "Goodies Rule OK" members and their families from everyone on the C&G team.

1. AND NOW ...AN INTERVIEW WITH GRAEME GARDEN! PART 2

2. BOFFO IDEAS - Club happenings and ideas.

3. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

4. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.

5. FEATURE ARTICLE: Best Of Times – the 30th anniversary of ISIHAC

6. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY –

7. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #13

1. AND NOW … AN INTERVIEW WITH GRAEME GARDEN! PART 2

As a Christmas treat before he tries to cure Tim's belly button phobia and proves once and for all that Miss Piggy is just a pair of old y-fronts and a mop head, our favourite loony scientist, Graeme Garden, has kindly given us an early Christmas present by providing more brilliant answers to C&G readers' questions:

OVER THE SEASONS OF THE GOODIES, YOU HAD TO FILM A LOT OF BIZARRE THINGS. WHEN YOU WOULD GO HOME EACH EVENING AND YOUR WIFE ASKED HOW YOUR DAY WAS, DID YOU SAY THINGS LIKE "I'VE BEEN CHASING FRANKENFIDO ACROSS LONDON / SPENT THE DAY TRYING TO TOW BRITAIN OUTSIDE THE FIVE MILE LIMIT / SPENT HOURS IN THE THAMES BEING MENACED BY A GIANT COD / HAD A TOMATO SAUCE FIGHT WITH THE GUYS." OR WAS IT "OH, JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE..."???

The family never believed it. Not even when they saw the results on TV. They still think I'm a librarian.

YOU ARE THE "KING OF FALLING DOWN", MY FAVOURITES BEING THE ULTIMATE DEATH DIVE AT THE END OF "BUNFIGHT AT THE OK TEA ROOMS" AND YOU FALLING OFF THE MULE IN THE SAME EPISODE. CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT FILMING THESE (OR ANY OF THE OTHER FALLS) AND HOW YOU HAVE SUFFERED FOR YOUR ART? WAS THE PAIN EQUAL TO THE LAUGHS YOU GOT?

Tim and Bill gleefully tell the story of the Bunfight fall. I'd always noticed that when falling on hard ground it was the bony bits that got bruised, and tender knees and elbows were a real nuisance for the rest of the filming. So I used to wear pads on my joints. However, I decided I needed to pad my spine as well, so I bought a special spinal protector as worn by jockeys and riders, and strapped myself into it before the Bunfight. In the last shot I launched myself into the air, spun, spun a bit more, and came down flat on my face with a mouthful of gravel. How they laughed.

ARE THERE ANY SCENES THAT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA WHEN YOU WROTE THEM BUT WHEN THEY WERE FILMED, YOU STARTED TO WONDER?

None that involved me.

GRAEME, YOU HAVE FANTASTIC LEGS, AS SEEN IN "SATURDAY NIGHT GREASE" AND TOO LITTLE ELSE. WILL YOU BE DEPRIVING US OF THEM FOR MUCH LONGER?

No. I have left them to the Royal Ballet.

WHY DID "IF I RULED THE WORLD" END? I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEXT SERIES, AND THERE IT WAS ... GONE!

Jane Root decided that, although it was a programme of quality, it did not fit in with the future profile of BBC2's output. I'm beginning to think it's personal. Not only is she quoted as saying 'over my dead body' re Goodies repeats, she cancelled 'If I Ruled the World', and then on my very birthday this year announced that BBC2 was dropping the Simpsons.

TO WHAT EXTENT WAS THE ISOBEL CHINTZ CHARACTER IN "SUPERSTAR" BASED ON GERMAINE GREER IN HER 'SUPER GROUPIE' PHASE?

Largely - as were several other female characters. I was at Cambridge with Germ, and Bill and I worked with her on 'Twice a Fortnight.'

I REALLY ENJOYED THE RECORDINGS OF "YOU'LL HAVE HAD YOUR TEA", BUT WHY HAVE YOU ONLY DONE FOUR EPISODES?

It was a short series specially commissioned to run daily during Christmas week when fifteen minute slots will be available. If it's a success, we hope they'll commission some more. We all enjoyed doing it hugely, and I was especially delighted that my son John did the music - he is currently on tour as accompanist to Alison Moyet.

TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR RECALLED THAT A GOODIES FILM SCRIPT WAS WRITTEN IN THE MID 70S. CAN YOU REMEMBER THE PLOT?

Seven dwarfs came into it. I think the original was later developed into Stanley Kubrick's 'Eyes Wide Shut.'

CAN YOU EXPLAIN ANY DIFFERENCES IN THE WRITING STYLES OF TIM, BILL AND YOURSELF?

I could try to describe the differences, but I'm damned if I could EXPLAIN them.

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF SOMETHING NEW FROM THE GOODIES?

Not a film or TV, I think. However, having recently done a part in a Dr Who straight-to-audio, it might be fun to do that or Radio Goodies - perhaps even another book of some sort.

Incidentally, do any of you guys get a bit of a chill like I do looking at my design for the cover of the Goodies Disaster Movie? It shows Concorde with its left engine on fire crashing into the Twin Towers.

WHAT SIMILARITIES DO YOU SEE BETWEEN YOUR REAL SELF AND YOUR GOODIE PERSONALITY?

Superiority to Tim and Bill.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAS BEEN THE HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR CAREER, APART FROM THE GOODIES?

1 - Writing and performing with Orson Welles

2 - Nobody ever seeing the final disastrous product.

I READ IN "THE COMPLETE GOODIES" BOOK THAT YOU APPEARED IN THE TRAILER FOR "MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL" WITH TERRY JONES PUSHING A CUSTARD PIE IN YOUR FACE. WERE YOU ORIGINALLY GOING TO BE IN THE MOVIE, OR WAS THIS A SCENE FROM "BROADEN YOUR MIND" OR "TWICE A FORTNIGHT" OR SOMETHING?

I believe it was a sketch based on Ingmar Bergman's 'the Seventh Seal' from Twice A Fortnight. I played the Max von Sydow Knight, Terry Jones was Death playing chess with me on the seashore. [If you look in the background, they do say you can just see Tim and Bill as dressed up as Seals number 5 and 6.]

WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR YOUR FUTURE IN COMEDY?

What are you offering?

WHAT GAVE YOU THE IDEA TO GROW BIG FUZZY CHOPS BACK IN THE 70s?

Gillette brought out the mini-razor. They were all the rage, but were so short they only reached halfway up the cheek.

I READ THAT YOU WROTE THE FIRST HALF OF "2001 AND A BIT". WAS THERE A PARTICULAR REASON WHY YOU CHOSE YOURSELF TO BE BILL'S SON, TIM TO BE YOUR SON AND BILL TO BE TIM'S SON?

ARE THERE ANY COMEDIANS WHO YOU WERE INFLUENCED BY?

Mike Myers and Mark Gatiss. I saw them in a dream.

You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> with your comments, ideas or suggestions - meanwhile these are the boffo ideas which our club has been working on this month:

We received an excellent response to the Goodies DVD survey which was conducted in last month's C&G, with 162 replies in total. The following results have been forwarded to Tim Brooke-Taylor to pass on to the company producing the DVDs early next year.

The Goodies episodes that members would most like to see released on DVD are:

(119 votes) Radio Goodies

(106) Kung Fu Kapers

(85) It Might As Well Be String

(79) Lighthouse Keeping Loonies

(74) Saturday Night Grease

(60) Invasion Of The Moon Creatures

(52) Goodies Rule OK

(52) Loch Ness Monster

(44) The Clown Virus

(43) The Goodies - Almost Live

(39) U-Friend or UFO

(36) Gender Education

(36) The Music Lovers

(33) Goodies And The Beanstalk

(31) That Old Black Magic

(29) Black And White Beauty

GOODIES MERCHANDISE

The Goodies T-shirts and caps are now in stock, if Australian members order straight away we may still be able to get them out in time for Christmas. Please contact Richard Nolan at <kergulen@bigpond.com> before placing any Christmas orders to check whether the item(s) that you require can be delivered to you in time.

Please note that all sizes of all styles are in stock, *except* Large in the blue shirts. For more information go to http://goodiesruleok.com/tshirts.php

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

* "I Love 1970" originally featuring the Goodies gets a repeat Saturday 6^thDecember at 7.03pm on UK Horizons (don't you love that precise timing) but will they make it to the final edit? Probably not but we can hope. (David Balston – Goodies-l – 2nd December)

4. 2001 AND A BIT

If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website),as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.

* Tim is making another welcome return to Countdown on Monday 25th and Tuesday26th November at 4.15pm Channel 4 (UK) and I assume for the rest of the week. So on Monday 25th you can catch Tim on Countdown, I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue and TLC. (David Balston – Goodies-l – 18th November)

* "Birding With Bill Oddie" gets a repeat from Friday 13th December 9.30pm onBBC2 (David balston – Goodies-l – 2nd December)

* I found the following info about a show called "Tony Hawks' 12 Days ofChristmas", which is to be broadcast on BBC Radio 4 on Boxing Day. The first article mentions Bill Oddie - presumably he's somehow involved in helping Tony get some of the birds mentioned in "The 12 Days of Christmas" (though I don't know whether Bill will appear in the show or if he'll just get a mention).

from http://www.dannywallace.com/work_hawks.html

Tony Hawks' 12 Days of Christmas. Radio 4

Tony Hawks is an incurable romantic. And, because of that, he's decided to make something of an effort for his girlfriend this Christmas. He's decided to collect everything on the list in the song The 12 Days of Christmas. But how easy will it be to convince ten lords to leap? How do you go about getting maids to milk these days? And just how does Bill Oddie fit into all of this?

from http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/nov01/hawks.html

The gifts of song Hawks bid to buy all 12 Days presents

Tony Hawks is trying to acquire all the gifts in The Twelve Days Of Christmas.

The comic and writer is trying to lay his hands on everything from 12 drummers drumming to a partridge in a pear tree to give his girlfriend "the best collection of Christmas presents ever".

And his attempts to make the ultimate romantic gesture without breaking the bank will form a Radio 4 show to be broadcast on Boxing Day.

In previous adventures for his books, Hawkes has travelled around Ireland with a fridge and accepted a challenge to play the Moldavan national football team at tennis

The show is part of the station's festive line-up announced today.

Schedules also feature special editions of Dead Ringers, I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue and The News Quiz.

And comedian Linda Smith looks at the history of Christmas crackers in a two-part special.

(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 11th December)

GRAEME SPOTTINGS:

* According to Digiguide, Graeme Garden will be presenting a documentaryseries called "Blood Chronicles" on BBC Radio 4 the week of 2nd December. At present, 15 minute segments are listed as running from 15:45-16:00 on Monday through Wednesday of that week. It's possible that other episodes will appear in the listings in the next few days.

Here are the episode descriptions that are available at this time:

Monday, 2nd December: Graeme Garden presents a series exploring the history of blood. [episode] 1: Blood Magic. Myths about blood have abounded through the centuries, from the Druids to the Aztecs

Tuesday, 3rd December: [episode] 2: The Science of Blood. A look at medical understanding of blood through the ages.

Wednesday, 4th December: [episode] 3: Blood War. How blood has been used in times of conflict and how it became a central part of the nation's medical care. (Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 21st November)

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE

(by Lisa Manekofsky)

YOU'LL HAVE HAD YOUR TEA

The 4 episodes of the radio show "Hamish and Dougal: You'll Have Had Your Tea" will air on BBC Radio 4 on consecutive days during Christmas week. This is the "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" spin-off which features Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer as the characters they created for the sound charades round (BTW, Graeme's son John is Musical Director for the series)

The show will air at 18:15-18:30 GMT on Tues., 24 December through Fri., 27 December. The show can be heard over the internet via Radio 4's website (www.bbc.co.uk/radio4).

(I SHALL PEEL THE POTARTOES!)

As David Balston reported on the goodies-l mailing list in mid-November, the BBC is launching a new entertainment-driven digital radio network named BBC7; it launches on Sunday, 15 December 2002. The station is promoting its planned comedy line-up, which will include episodes of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" (featuring Tim and Graeme). In addition, they promise to air classic comedy programs including "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" (whose cast included all three Goodies).

BBC7 will be available across the UK on digital radio and digital television; the station also will be available on-line. Check their website, http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7 /, for information about schedules and access to the station.

The on-line listings service DigiGuide shows that episodes of "Clue" are scheduled daily at 12:00 and 19:00 beginning 16 December. Please bear in mind that these are repeats of past episodes; new episodes continue to air for the next several weeks on BBC Radio 4 on Mondays at 6:30 p.m.

An episode of "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" is scheduled on BBC7 on Friday, 20 December at 12:30 and 19:30.

The "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue Anniversary Special" was finally released last month. It is available as either a double CD or double audio cassette set. The set contain 3 special shows:

1. The 30th anniversary show that aired on 13 April 2002. However, this version of the show includes an extra 15 minutes of material that was not included in the broadcast version.

2. "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Desert Island", which was originally broadcast on 11 January 1999. This show features celebrity fans of the programme (including Dame Judi Dench and Stephen Fry) talking about their favorite rounds of "Clue", followed by clips of the teams performing those rounds.

3. The very first episode of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue", originally broadcast on 11 April 1972. This teams for this show consisted of Tim Brooke-Taylor, Bill Oddie, Graeme Garden, and Jo Kendall. Humphrey Lyttelton was at the helm and the piano accompaniment was provided by Dave Lee. This show was digitally remastered for this release and it sounds great.

Also recently released was the "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue Collection", a CD box set containing the previously released "Clue" Volumes 1-3 as three double-CD sets.

Another Clue collection, "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue", was supposed to have been released on 7th October but the release has been delayed. It's rather ironic that the collection featuring 4 Christmas episodes of the show is the only item that may not be available until after the holiday season.

5. FEATURE ARTICLE

(contributed by Ian Cleveland)

The Best Of Times – from the Sunday Times Magazine.

An interview with Graeme Garden about the 30th anniversary of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue".

Graeme Garden, 59, recalls the pain and the pleasure of the early days of BBC radio fours` all time favorite panel game, "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" which celebrated its 30th anniversary earlier this year and is broadcasting its 40th series. Interview by Caroline Scott.

Tim Brooke-Taylor, Bill Oddie and I made The Goodies for so long, it became almost like a nine-to-five job. In those days it was a very long process. At the same time, I was also trying to write for radio, which has always been my real passion.

Tim, Bill, John Cleese and I wrote scripts for I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again — a mad sketch-type show for Radio 4—when I was still a medical student, and we continued to do it on and off for years. The advantage over medicine being that, however bad the show, at least nobody died. The problem was that as radio pays bugger-all compared to TV I found that although I loved it I couldn't find the time to write for it. So I came up with an idea which I put to our producer, David Hatch. It was basically I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again without a script — a kind of antidote to panel games. That might sound ludicrously unstructured, and it was. But it meant that instead of spending two weeks writing, I could just turn up at the studio for one day a week and sit down. There would be a chairman who would preside over it, and there would be different rounds, which would change every week, so nobody knew until the day what they would be.

You might find yourself having to sing one song to the tune of another, or ad-libbing a piece of poetry on the spot. The idea was that all the fun was not in the script but in the banter. There were few rules, other than that everyone must turn up and be witty —which of course is absolute hell for the panelists because you simply don't know if you're going to make anyone laugh at all I typed all this up neatly and made it look as if it was workable, though I wasn't really sure myself But Hatch was up for it. He said: "I don't know if it'll have legs, but we'll do it."

So we got the cast together — Tim, me, Bill and Jo Kendall — and we recorded it at the Playhouse Theatre, where we found ourselves facing the very rumbustious audience of I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again. They were expecting the format they knew there was hysterical laughter to start with, which died away to nothing when they realised that they were actually watching this slow stumbling thing that had totally lost its way.

The one great masterstroke was the choice of anti—chairman. Both David and I had Humphrey Lyttleton at the top of our lists. He's very posh, very dry and urbane, and he played it exactly the same way he's played it ever since — which was to be aloof and disinterested and contemptuous of everything that was going on.

The first show was horrible. Most quiz programmes tell the panelists the questions before hand. We didn't, so it was very hairy. We sat there sweating and giggling nervously and saying stupid things, then we staggered off to the pub and said: "Never again!" And then everyone was very cruel to me because it had been my idea. David Hatch said: "Don't worry. I'll cut it together. We'll put it out on Boxing Day, when everyone's pissed, and it'll never be heard of again. But Tony Whitby the then head of Radio 4 and an inspired leader, liked it. He thought it might even run to a series.

After each show though, the hum started: "Never again..." Bill Oddie was so frightened, he used to throw up before every recording. John Cleese came in to do a couple and he hated it so much he refused to come back. John's not the happiest on the hoof — he gets very grumpy and he misbehaves. Humph asked him to sing, and he took his glass of water and poured it over the microphone — which effectively took him out of the show. I think Tim and I perversely enjoyed the lack-of-control thing. It was real leather—mask— and-studs stuff. Something we'd searched for all our lives. In those days you could hear the sound of sweat dropping on wood , and you could feel the wave of sympathy that rose up from the audience. It was so hard that if you came anywhere near being amusing, there were gales of laughter.

We eventually co-opted Barry Cryer and Wiflie Rushton onto the panel. Willie greeted everything with the same benign contempt — which was perfect. The whole show is based on a kind of institutional cruelty: pointing out to the audience how badly Tim's joke failed, in case they missed it. Deliberately tripping people up. Oddly, we're all very supportive of each other — except in front of the audience, when it gets most unpleasant.

For quite a time, I found Clue a bit of a chore. It wasn't very well received, as far as we knew, and it was badly paid — which it still is. I felt it was slightly second-rate, something I was doing almost to keep my hand in. It certainly didn't have the buzz it has now. I remember driving somewhere in pouring rain. Clue came on and I thought "That is the worst radio programme I have ever heard in my life" It just didn't make me laugh.

Depending on my mood, it can still have that effect on me. I sometimes wonder how we get away with it. But it's all to do with the strange .beast that is Clue. Very often your best jokes go for nothing, and something simple from Tim will bring the house down. Clue audiences are very appreciative -although the pleasure for me is to try to make the other panellists laugh. We do Clue now just because we love it. We won the Sony Gold award for best comedy show this year which after 30 years is very nice. We know each other extremely well and we have a chat and a giggle and we insult each other and lay traps, like always giving somebody a sentence with an "uck " on the end during the poetry round which we all still think is terribly funny. Essentially, Clue is a gents club which just happens to have 1 1/2 million eavesdroppers .

6. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

Series 5, Episode 12

First screened: 28th April 1975

Tim and Bill shiver away in the cold dark office and lament about where all of their wealth has gone (with Tim even being forced to mend his hanky with an old pair of trousers!), while Bill's attempt to raid his piggy bank only results in a busted hammer. Graeme enters the office picking on a banjo and carrying all sorts of equipment and informs them that they are going prospecting for gold. Tim tells Bill to ring the funny farm, but Bill would prefer to kill Graeme instead after he finds out that Graeme has squandered all of their money on things like mules and mine detectors.

So they set off in search of gold (to the catchy tune of 'Working The Line'), but after they battle with a very stubborn mule and find absolutely nothing after 18 days in the wild and woolly West (Cornwall!), they are ready to pack it in until Graeme discovers a mine full of rocks filled with Cornish cream. A delicate tap with a hammer underground sends cream spewing forth everywhere and Tim and Bill soon slave away on the production line, as Graeme lazes around creaming off the profits (sorry!). However the ringing of the doorbell on Graeme's tent soon spells trouble, as Bill and Tim are on strike in protest at having to do all the work.

Graeme placates them and tells them that he is about to file a claim on the mine the next day (which is made out solely in his name) and the thought of Bill setting Tim onto him ("Grrr!") keeps him at bay for a few minutes until he tries to sneak away. After they try to watch, bribe and sneak out on each other, they all fall asleep, but Graeme is up early and takes the mule to town (on his shoulders!) to file the claim for himself, as he leaves behind a double made out of a frying pan, a mop, two cups and a banana (which prompts Bill to ask "Oi Graeme, why have you got a mop on your head?!")

In no time at all, there are reports of a cream rush in Cornwall (complete with awful puns like "so if you don't want to be a clot, whip on down there!"), however it doesn't last forever and poor Tim and Bill are among those to miss out. The only way that they can get cream is to buy it from Greedy Graeme, so they despondently pack up their tent only to strike a rich vein of strawberry jam and scones in the process. However Graeme watches the excitement through binoculars and challenges them to a winner-take-all card game at 4 o'clock at the O.K. Tea Rooms.

Bill and Tim ride slowly into Pennenink on the trandem and enter the O.K.Tea Rooms, where the piano music instantly stops, a man who chomps celery and a lady who slurps her tea are quickly sent packing and the barmaid gives Bill a two fingered salute after he orders two cups of tea, then sends the cups crashing off the end of the bar. Graeme appears at the top of the steps in a black suit and hat and brushes away his waitress girlfriend, as he motions Bill and Tim to be seated. He rolls sugar cubes as dice and shuffles slices of toast as playing cards, while he uses biscuits as poker chips and greedily puts his whole pile on in the first hand. Tim goes bust almost immediately, but Bill is happy with his hand and soon raises the stakes with Graeme, who plonks increasingly larger cakes on the table (with a three-tiered wedding cake as the piece-de-resistance!).

Bill contentedly lays out his three slices of toast, but Graeme only lays out two before he magically plucks a spare piece out of the air. Bill upends the table to reveal a pop-up toaster on the floor and the three of them hastily search for weapons before being provided with tomato-shaped sauce squirters by the barmaid. The Goodies menacingly pace the streets and the good folk of Pennenink flee from the impending showdown (including one silly git who boards up his door and windows, only to find that he can't get back inside and so jumps in a barrel for refuge!).

Finally Greedy Graeme (armed with his pair of red ripe squirters) stands face to faces with Wild Bill Oddie and Texas Tim and he pulls his master stroke when he suggests that they turn their backs and walk eleven paces. The eleventh pace sends Bill and Tim crashing headfirst into a wall, which gives Greedy Graeme time to strike and after he squirts two lovers in a car and fells a policeman with a blast of ketchup, he lethally smears Tim in the face, then sends Bill toppling off a building to splatter onto the pavement below with a well aimed stream of sauce. His chums lie in the ketchup and his gal runs to his arms, but even as they kiss, Bill musters one final dying effort to squirt her with sauce, which causes Graeme to end it all by using his sauce as an aftershave and a deodorant (before he launches into a death dive that would earn a 10 from any self respecting Olympic gymnastics judge!)

* Graeme: "I've been out looking around and you'll never guess what I've just found in an old tin mine."

Graeme: "No. Old tins! And this."

Graeme: "Or something else ..."

* Tim: "Look at all those Arab oil sheiks. We could become Cornish milk sheiks!"

* Graeme (to Tim about Bill): And do you know who pinched the ears off your life sized model of Prince Charles?"

Tim (shocked): "Not Charles' ears!"

Graeme: "Where else do you think he got them mudguards for his Mini!"

* The lyrics of the 'Ballad of the O.K.Tea Rooms' (listed at the end of the summary)

* Tim and Bill whining about how cold and poor they are, only to have Graeme strolling into the office loaded up with expensive gold prospecting gear. Bill complains that it must have cost Graeme a fortune, to which he casually replies "Yeah of course it did. Why do you think we're broke!"

* The mule proving to be somewhat stubborn (possibly because it looks rather stuffed!) with it only moving by being carried by Bill and Tim in pursuit of a carrot as a lure and eventually being carried by Tim and Graeme, with Bill bringing up the rear carrying all of the equipment.

* Lots of cameos during the exploration phase, including Bill accidentally clobbering Graeme and Tim with a sledgehammer, Bill staking the claim by using the sign as a pneumatic drill, Tim panning for gold and finding a heap of jewellery only to have Bill successfully panning for a breakfast of sizzling sausages and bacon (forcing Tim to start eating his jewellery), Tim being awoken by a rooster in his sleeping bag (which he subsequently strangles), Bill cracking open an egg and pulling out a slice of bacon and Tim wearing a candelabra on his miner's helmet as a searchlight.

* The elaborate cream production line, with Graeme relaxing in a rocking chair cracking his whip at Bill and Tim who have to shovel the cream into a barrow, push it uphill to a chute which feeds through a gramophone speaker into a huge bag. Graeme's rocking operates a ladle that scoops the cream from the base of the bag into a funnel which fills cups on a trolley that is pulled along by a tortoise chasing a lettuce lure in front of it.

* The scenes where Tim and Bill have to guard Graeme after he attempts to sneak off into town to file the claim for the cream mine all by himself, with Graeme trying to con Tim then Bill into only splitting the proceeds two ways after telling tales about the third sleeping person, all of them going to sleep then trying to sneak out, then all staying awake with Graeme trying to send Tim asleep by humming a lullaby before all of them collapse from exhaustion

* Bill and Tim pulling up their tent pegs ready to go home only to strike a gusher of strawberry jam, with a quick dig around finding a bumper supply of scones and an acrimonious argument over their pronunciation, with Tim and later Graeme (and me too, for what it's worth!) favouring 's-conns' while Bill insists that it is 's-cones' instead. Their wild jumping for joy is soon replaced by a Twister-like contortion act as they desperately try to plug the spurting jam holes from the prying eyes of Greedy Graeme on his trusty mule (leading to another classic scene where Graeme takes a spectacular tumble backwards off his mule after challenging the others to the card game at the OK Tea Rooms)

* The classic card game at the OK Tea Rooms and the brilliant Bunfight with sauce squirters which is covered in detail in the 'plot' section.

Ballad Of The O.K. Tea Rooms

Another Goodies classic with the absurdity of prospecting for cream, jam and scones only surpassed by the legendary performance of Greedy Graeme and the brilliant bunfight with tomato sauce squirters at the finish to the memorable Ballad of the O.K. Tea Rooms.

BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:

IIII - Officially amazing.

III - Goody goody yum yum.

II - Fair-y punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

Ballad Of The OK Tea Rooms

Three brave men went searching

For a fortune in the west

Now they face each other in the dawn

The finale of their dream

In the land of clotted cream

Turned against their fellows

In their lust for jam and scones .... scOnes!

Men called him Wild Bill Oddie

And his friend was Texas Tim

They walked tall with their tomatoes in their hand

Their foe was Greedy Graeme

Who felt sure that he could slay 'em

With his pair of red ripe squirters

They'd be defeated easily

On and on strode Graeme

On and on strode Bill and Tim

'Til at last they stood there silent face to faces

Then Graeme softly spoke

And he pulled his master stroke

By suggesting that they turn their backs

And walk eleven paces

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ...... ooooh!

All hell broke loose in Pennenink

With Graeme's 'mato ducking in the dusk

How much sauce was spilt that day

But by the end those two brave men

Were lying in the dust

(instrumental break)

His chums lay in the ketchup

And his gal ran to his arms

But even as they kissed she met her doom

For if you double cross a friend

You'll get squirted in the end