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THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE

THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB

Issue No. 85 13th January 2003

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'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER

- Tim Brooke-Taylor, Brian Labza, Daniel Bowen, Mark Turrell

1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you

2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

3. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY – The End

5. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #14

6. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS

(by "Magnus Magnesium")

QUOTE: "Belt up, you old gasbag!"

(a) Which Goodie makes this quote?

(b) Who is he talking to on the telephone at the time?

QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode "Invasion Of The Moon Creatures"

(d) What is the correct password for entry to Graeme's top secret lab?

(e) What primitive vegetable life do Bill and Tim find on the moon?

(f) What is the only bunny talk that humans will respect?

(g) Which creatures does Graeme use to help him track down the runaway rabbits?

(h) What kind of pie does Graeme eventually tempt Bill and Tim to eat?

The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

* In Conversation with Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden gets another airing12.30pm and 7.30pm on new UK digital radio channel BBC7 on Sunday 29th December. (David Balston – Goodies-l – 20th December)

3. 2001 AND A BIT

If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website),as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.

* I found the following info about a show called "Tony Hawks' 12 Days of Christmas", which is to be broadcast on BBC Radio 4. It wasoriginally broadcast 26 Dec 2001 but it will air on Tuesday, 31 December at 16:00-16:30 on BBC Radio 4 rather than on Boxing Day this time around.

The first article mentions Bill Oddie - presumably he's somehow involved in helping Tony get some of the birds mentioned in "The 12 Days of Christmas" (though I don't know whether Bill will appear in the show or if he'll just get a mention).

from http://www.dannywallace.com/work_hawks.html

Tony Hawks' 12 Days of Christmas

Tony Hawks is an incurable romantic. And, because of that, he's decided to make something of an effort for his girlfriend this Christmas. He's decided to collect everything on the list in the song The 12 Days of Christmas. But how easy will it be to convince ten lords to leap? How do you go about getting maids to milk these days? And just how does Bill Oddie fit into all of this?

(from information by Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 24th December)

* Bill will be reading the story "The Owl" on the new children's radio show"The Little Toe Radio Show" on UK digital radio station BBC7 at 7am and 3pm on Saturday 11th January and Sunday 12th January. (David Balston – Goodies-l – 2nd January)

* On the 11-12 January editions of BBC7's children's series "The Little Toe Radio Show" Bill Oddie read the first two parts of "The Owl Who Was Afraid of the Dark". The story will continue next weekend (18-19 January).(by Lisa Manekofsky)

* The Detectives episode featuring Bill is repeated again at 4.30pm on Sunday 12th January on digital TV channel Bravo. (David Balston – Goodies-l – 2nd January)

* The new series of Bill Oddie Goes Wild starts tonight (Friday 10^th January)at 8pm on BBC2 and the first edition focuses on Somerset in Spring.

In the Radio Times feature 20 programmes to change your life Bill Oddie Goes Wild is at Number 17, Bill says "When you watch natural history programmes on TV it's easy to get the impression that you have to travel to exotic locations to see amazing wildlife. In fact, Britain and Ireland contain enough amazing creatures to keep you happy for a lifetime - we have otters and orchids; the Adonis blue butterfly and the Atlantic salmon; the St Kilda Wren and the Norfolk hawker dragonfly - all unique and beautiful creatures that feature in my new series Bill Oddie Goes Wild".

"And what's really amazing is that you don't have to seek out wild places to do so. We saw otters and red squirrels on the outskirts of Newcastle, badgers in Somerset, and our newest arrivals - wild boars - in a Kentish wood."

(David Balston – Goodies-l – 10th January)

* A friend in London spotted the following blurb about the first episodeof the new series of "Bill Oddie Goes Wild" in her local newspaper:

"Bill begins an eight-part quest for the best of British wildlife. He starts off in Somerset in springtime where he revisits his youth by dipping into ditches looking for water dwellers, discovering silver diving beetles and tiny snails. He also climbs up a tall oak tree to check out young heron chicks."

(by Lisa Manekofsky)

* My old University, Demontford University in Leicester, England has the following on its Alumni page:

14 and 15 June 2003: Old Students' Weekend. Displays; the AGM; a barbeque; match fixtures; and a dinner with an after-dinner speech from Tim Brooke Taylor

* The program "How to Irritate People" has been released on DVD in Australia (region 4 DVD).

It is a program from 1969 with Tim making various cameo appearances.

It should be available at all (dis)reputable DVD dealers. For those in the Melbourne metropolitan area, it is available at JB HiFi shops, at around $28 Aust.

There is a full review at:

http://www.michaeldvd.com.au/Reviews/Reviews.asp?ReviewID=2316

The extra is a recent interview with Sir David Frost.

The program is still available on video and the VHS copy says "approx 65 mins", matching what the DVD case says (though apparently it's really 68 mins), so it seems as though the programme itself is identical.

(from information by Brian Labza and Daniel Bowen – Goodies-l – 16th December)

* Golf Clubs with Tim Brooke-Taylor gets a double bill showing at 9pm and 9.30pm Mondays on Discovery Home and Leisure repeated later in the night (Tuesday mornings) at 1am and 1.30am.

(David Balston – Goodies-l – 2nd January)

* The US ABC network will be showing "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" (in which Tim Brooke-Taylor makes an appearance) on Sunday, January 5th starting at 7:00 p.m. Eastern Time (6:00 p.m. Central Time).

(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l- 4th January)

* The new series of Crossroads begins Monday 13th January and according to Carlton, Tim plays Murray, the boyfriend of the new Chef.

This is part of Carlton's Press Release -

Crossroads is back - under new management - and serving a heady cocktail of love, lust and loyalty.

Pride, power and passion fuel the day-to-day dramas in the refurbished hotel.

The tempestuous Max and Angel Samson have moved in and twelve months on have stamped their inimitable style on Crossroads.

They've given the hotel a glitzy facelift, which now boasts a splendid Romanesque entrance lobby, a luxurious spa, swimming pool and health club, stylish cocktail bar and intimate restaurant.

But the glamorous facade can't disguise the simmering undercurrents of power-struggles within the Samson family and towards the remaining Crossroads staff who have loyally stayed on.

The executive producer of Crossroads is Yvon Grace. Yvon, who was a panellist on ITV1's Soapstars, enjoyed both critical and ratings' success as producer of the second series of Holby City and has worked extensively for both ITV and the BBC, developing, directing and producing serials and drama including Revelations, EastEnders and The Ward.

Says Yvon: "Crossroads is going to be escapist, sexy and fun - the television equivalent of an airport blockbuster. I've decided to be bold and make a `Dallas' for tea-time. The hotel has moved on a year and there have been many changes.

"Viewers will be treated to a succession of stars, including Emma Noble, Linda Robson, Kate O'Mara, Lionel Blair and Tim Brooke-Taylor, who will be at the centre of some explosive guest storylines."

"Crossroads will be larger-than-life, brave, witty and shamelessly sexy!"

Jane Asher stars as superbitch Angel Samson and is at the heart of some of the most dramatic storylines in the new series. Says Jane: "To play a character like Angel is a dream.

"Angel is a very interesting mixture. On the one hand she's very tough and can be deeply unpleasant in order to get what she wants. But apart from scheming and being manipulative, she shows how important her family are and occasionally shows a vulnerable side."

Angel's family include her ruthless businessman husband Max (Stuart Milligan) and their children Cleo (Clare Wilkie) and twin sons Ryan (Luke Roberts) and Jimmy (Graham McGrath), together with family retainer Betty (Anne Charleston).

Crossroads favourites making a welcome return are Jane Gurnett, who plays general manager Kate Russell and is surrounded by her loyal staff. Cindy Marshall-Day is back as barmaid Tracey Booth with her son Scott (Matthew Maude) who has grown up into a troubled teenager, Sherrie Hewson plays frosty receptionist Virginia Raven, Roger Sloman is concierge Rocky Wesson and Rebecca Hazelwood is surly receptionist Beena Shah.

Dave Stocks and his battleaxe ex-wife Oona (Jim Dunk and Di Sherlock) are now the new bosses of The Cat In The Moon pub, while Virginia's daughter Helen (Lucy Pargeter) is the new barmaid and karaoke queen.

New characters also include the wild and wonderful Wise sisters Philomena (Shauna Shim) Lola (Freema Agyeman) and Belle (Jessica Fox), camp hotel chef Vince Vaccaro (Ben Porter) and handsome handyman Joe Lacey (Richard Burke).

Carlton's Controller of Drama and Co-production Jonathan Powell says: "There is huge affection for Crossroads. Our aim is to produce a drama which will be enjoyed by the many existing loyal viewers, but also tempt those who have still to give it a chance."

Crossroads will be shown every day from Monday to Friday with a further chance to watch the series on ITV2.

Secrets and scandal are on the new menu. Check in for a roller coaster ride.

BEN PORTER is VINCE VACCARO

Ben Porter plays Crossroads' new chef Vince Vaccaro - but admits that in real life his best effort in the kitchen has been using a cook-in sauce.

"I'm not the greatest cook in the world and think the hardest thing I've had to do in Crossroads was something artistic with a kiwi fruit! My best efforts at home are with cook-in sauce!

"Vince is quite camp and a perfectionist, but I'm not playing him as a gay stereotype. He's in a serious relationship with his older boyfriend Murray (played by Tim Brooke-Taylor) and feels very emotional about that relationship.

"Vince is a typical chef, he likes to shout a lot and comes out with some great acidic put downs. It's great fun to play."

(David Balston - Goodies-L - 8th January

* And the following news kindly provided by Tim Brooke-Taylor himself:

"I've done a few shows in a Brit soap 'Crossroads'. 'Crossroads' used to be a joke making Neighbours look like a Hollywood blockbuster! It's being re-launched in the New Year as a bit of a fantasy show based around a Hotel.

My character comes in for a week. I'm the male partner of the young male chef. Actually it's quite sad. I loved doing it as I've always wanted to be in a soap, but I don't particularly want the world to judge my career on it. My appearances are in February, basically in the fifth and sixth week of the new show."

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE

(by Lisa Manekofsky)

* The new radio station, BBC7, held a poll in which radio listeners wereasked to vote on the "greatest comedian ever". The results are now available (to coincide with the station's launch).

From http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7/comedy/poll_results.shtml: "Comedians from the golden age of tv and radio comedy - Hancock (number 1), The Goons (number 2), Kenneth Horne (number 3), Kenneth Williams (number 6) - dominate the top seven list, with BBC Radio 4's I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue team (Humphrey Lyttelton, Graeme Garden, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Barry Cryer), at number 4, the only current day comedians. TV favourites Morecambe & Wise claim position number 5, and the late, great Spike Milligan appears twice - once, at number 2, as a member of The Goons, and again, at number 7, as a solo talent."

(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 15th December)

* Humphrey Lyttelton will select his favourite moments from ISIHAC as long ashe doesn't have to listen to any of it again and the results of his endeavours will be broadcast on Radio 4 30th December at 6.30pm.

(David Balston – Goodies-l – 16th December)

* The long-delayed "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Christmas Clue" set will not bereleased after all. Here is a note a received from Amazon.co.uk on 3^rd January:

We have contacted the publisher regarding your order for a copy of "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Christmas Clue [AUDIOBOOK]" (ISBN:0563535504).

Unfortunately, we have learned that this edition will not be published and will soon be removed from our catalogue. We have therefore cancelled your order for this item and you will not be charged for it.

Please accept our sincere apologies for any inconvenience or disappointment this may cause you."

ISIHAC set #7 is scheduled for release on 3rd February but, at present, I cannot find any information about which shows will be included in this collection.

(by Lisa Manekofsky)

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

Series 5, Episode 13

First screened: 5th May 1975

Bill looks out the window into the picturesque Kew Gardens and admires the sweet song of a bird (before he pots it with a pistol!), while Graeme objects to the racket, as he is doing some delicate (and even more noisy) work of his own. He has been commissioned by the evil property developer Harry Highrise to design a redevelopment scheme for the Kew Gardens and proudly shows Bill his scale model, in which the lush oasis of greenery is replaced with several huge blocks of offices. Graeme also reveals that the biggest skyscraper is just a solid block of concrete, as nobody can afford to pay the exhorbitant rent and the lack of rooms, doors and windows will stop the squatters from moving in!

Tim enters the room feeling extremely cross about the proposed redevelopment scheme and decides to send a letter of complaint to the Queen, while Graeme incriminates himself by writing down Tim's dictation. Tim doesn't realise that Graeme is responsible for the architectural lunacy until after he has suggested that the culprits be beheaded ("twice ... very slowly!") and requested three OBE's in the bargain, but goes berserk at Graeme ("GRAEME GARDEN!" ... "What on earth did you do this for?!" Graeme: "Fifty thousand quid!") and marches out the door to have a word with Harry Highrise, only to crash head first into a wall of concrete that covers the doorway. A peek out the window reveals that Harry's crew are very fast workers and in no time, their office is entombed in a 350 foot high block of concrete.

Sixteen days later, there is a news bulletin on tv with a special message of congratulations from the Queen ("Dear Tim, Bill ... and the other one!") in which she praises them for being prepared to sacrifice their lives for their principles. The Ministry of Works are on strike, but ring straight back (after another six months have elapsed!) and promise to get them out when they have finished the new Brighton to Birkenhead freeway. It will take just 10.3 seconds to drill a hole through the concrete to rescue them, but the other work will take 1 year, 7 months, 4 days, 3 hours and 5 minutes to complete. Not surprisingly, the news that they are stuck in there until then sets off a huge panic attack (with the historic first performance of Tim's "I'm a teapot!" routine as part of the bargain)

After lots of chalk marks on the wall, release day finally arrives as the partially dressed Tim and Bill sit on the floor, 'as pissed as parrots' and sing away merrily, with the occasional colossal burp from Bill (especially after Tim has given him a swig of "turps for burps" as further encouragement!). Graeme is far from impressed with either of them or with the prospect of being released, as the Queen will be there to put OBE's around the other's necks but will chop his head off instead! Tim is going to miss the others, as he's "gonna make damn sure I see neither of you ever again!" However the moment of release passes and the Goodies find out that due to the increasing poverty of the nation, work on the Brighton to Birkenhead freeway has been suspended indefinitely.

Their phone line is also cut off (and blown up) due to them not being able to pay their bill (or being able to put their problem in writing because they couldn't get out to post it!) and when the BBC announces that they are cutting back service by 100%, the Goodies find themselves completely cut off from the outside world. A bit later, Graeme decides that they should live in an ordered society with him representing the scientific class, Tim being a lord of the ruling class (but having to clean his own shoes) and Bill as the worker who agitates for an even distribution of labour without much success. Tim is horrified at the notion that he won't be able to exercise his right of fatherhood and goes off at Bill about his silly name ("Bill-Oddie stew-pid!") after Bill has insulted him.

Graeme retreats to the lavatory and emerges two weeks later after a unique experience to reveal that he has become a monk. In the mean time, Tim has turned Jewish and Bill has commandeered the boot polish and rejected his unholy name to become Rastus Watermelon, a black Muslim. A year later, there is finally no food left and Tim even toys with the idea of eating his pet mouse Gilbert before Graeme gently talks him out of it (then pops Gilbert into his own mouth for a moment!). In desperation, Tim and Graeme consider cannibalism; especially when Bill draws the longest straw, although there is much debate about how to do him in (with Tim not wanting to chop his head off in case the rest of him runs around the room!) and Tim also not being able to eat him as he isn't kosher! They shove an apple in his mouth and sprigs of parsley behind his ears, but fortunately for Bill, he comes up with the bright idea of cooking the furniture. However hallucinations soon strike, as Tim and Bill start to see imaginary friends and Graeme sees all sorts of non-existent objects before he carelessly steps in Tim's imaginary bathtub!

Seventy years later, an ancient Tim and Graeme are playing 'I spy' with just a lone chair in the room (hence the drawn scoreline!) and they reminisce about long-lost pleasures like umbrellas and women (although not exactly in the right order) and that it is Bill's 106th birthday today. In comes Bill, who still looks as young as ever, but he falls over heavily on the floor. Two years later he is still going (although the others are skeletons laying beside him!) and he hears a long-awaited knock on the door, but one peek at the remains of his chums causes him to snuff it (as the skeletons pull the sheet up over the three of them!) In comes three futuristic space-suited Goodies who are too late to rescue their predecessors (including a space age Tim with a recording of 'Land Of Hope And Glory' activated by pressing a button on his chest), but find that the tunnel collapses behind them. This sets off another round of "I'm a teapot" and assorted panic, as they too are trapped in the concrete block!

* Graeme (about his building plans): "That's the whole point, you fool. Look, do you realise that the rent on that place is going to be 4000 pounds per square foot. And that's per minute!"

Bill: "Nobody can afford that, can they!"

Graeme: "Well of course they can't, so there's no point wasting money putting doors and windows in, is there! Goodness me! As a matter of fact, there's no rooms in there either and that's so the squatters can't move in ... I've thought of everything!"

* Tim (dictating his letter to the Queen about punishment for Harry Highrise and Graeme): "... no, no, that they should have their botties soundly smacked, no, no, that they should both be beheaded - twice!"

* The Queen (on tv): "Goodbye."

Bill: "Oh well, au revoir."

The Queen (sternly): "No, goodbye!"

* Bill (drunkenly trying to burp): "Won't come!"

Tim: (full as a boot too): "Have another swig of this. That'll bring it up."

Bill (takes a swig): "Oooh that's horrible! What is it?"

Tim: "Turps! Turps for burps!" (sings with Bill) "Please release me, let me go!"

(monster burp from Bill)

Tim: "Thar she blows! That's my boy! Nobody light a match!"

* Tim (about Bill): "Pay no attention to him. He's pissed."

* Tim: "YOU SNIVELLING LITTLE COMMIE!!"

Bill: "YOU ELITIST FASCIST PIG!!"

Graeme: "This is good. This is very good. Political discussion, a healthy thing."

Bill: "This isn't political discussion. We were just shouting at one another."

Graeme: "Same thing!"

* Tim: "I want a son. I must have a son. Graeme, you're a doctor!"

Graeme (looking stunned): "Sorry, it can't be done!"

Tim: "But a man isn't a man unless he exercises his right to fatherhood!"

Bill (chuckling): "You can exercise it all you like, but you won't find much use for it here!"

* Tim (after Bill has insulted the Brooke-Taylor name): "Well it's not as silly as Oddie. Od-die! Bill Oddie! B'l-Oddie stupid!!"

* Tim (about Graeme): "And he's become a monk"

Bill: "Oh, has he gone into a monastery?"

Tim: "No, a lavatory!"

* Bill: "Is it anything to do with food, hey? Am I getting warm?"

Tim (getting ready to cannibalise him): "You soon will be!"

* Tim (seventy years on): "Goodness, I've almost forgotten what an umbrella looks like."

Graeme: "You know, I've almost forgotten what a woman looks like!"

Tim: "Women, yes! And umbrellas, hey."

Graeme: "Many's the evening you'd dance the night away with an attractive young umbrella"

Tim: "And if it rained on the way home, you just popped up your woman...!"

Graeme: "That'd keep you dry all night!"

Tim: "I used to have a big black woman with a cane handle...!"

* Tim writing a letter of complaint to the Queen over the redevelopment scheme, but having to look her address up in the phone book under Queens ("Grayson, La Rue, Park Rangers..."), then dictating the letter to Graeme to write out (while not realising that Graeme is one of the baddies!), especially where Tim complains about the evil plans of Harry Highrise's so-called architect "Mr Graeme Garden. That's G-R-A-E-M-E!" followed by a frustrated curse from Graeme as he spells his own name wrong!

* Graeme plotting the various planned roads and tunnels on a map of the U.K. after phoning the Ministry of Works only to find that the markings form a game of noughts and crosses, with the Brighton to Birkenhead freeway (the last to be finished before they can be released) forming a victorious line through the diagonal row of noughts! Also the following panic attack, with Tim doing his famous "I'm a teapot!" performance for the first time on the show.

* The scenes two minutes prior to their supposed release after nearly two years of being trapped with Tim and Bill both sitting on the floor wearing paper hats (and as drunk as skunks) singing "Born free, as free as the wind blows!", followed by a massive burp from Bill. However he soon finds that his burps "won't come" until some "turps for burps" from Tim unleashes another corker. Graeme is disgusted by their piggish behaviour, as he is not a happy fuzzy chops due to the impending arrival of the Queen to chop his head off. However despite him donning a blindfold and yelling "Get it over with. Chop it off!", Bill wearing a tie over his Goodies t-shirt and Tim with a pot full of soil as a hat, there is stunned silence as neither the Queen nor anyone else has come to rescue them.

* The various scenes where they are determining their social ranks, with Bill calling Graeme "you four eyed git" before Graeme finally divulges that he is a member of the scientific class (as he wears glasses), Tim is a member of the ruling class (because of his poncy blond hair and no chin!) and Bill is one of the workers ("Cobblers!"). This is followed by their shouting match which passes for political discussion, Bill smashing Tim's Land Of Hope And Glory record to bits as part of the "silent revolution" and the hilarious sequence where Tim wants to exercise his right to have children, but Bill is more interested in them being doomed to be batchelors gay! ("That's an idea, isn't it?" prompting a very hasty "Get Off!" from Tim) He suggests that he looks like Liza Minelli underneath his beard (to which Tim replies "I often wondered why you grew it!")

* Their discovery of different religions, with Graeme emerging from two weeks solitary confinement in the loo to reveal that he was not alone in there (Tim: "How very embarrassing!") and has become become a monk (whose later vow of silence is broken immediately). Meanwhile Tim has become Jewish ("Pass me a knife, would you!") and is whittling a chair into matchsticks to build a model of a synagogue (and asks Graeme if he wants to buy it!), then is unable to clean their shoes because it's the Sabbath, while Bill has swiped the boot polish to become Rastus Watermelon, the black Muslim who seems intent on punching the others lights out!

* Their hallucinations after such a long time in a confined space, with Tim insisting that he can see his friend Bruce sitting at the table, Bill enjoying Charlie's company and Graeme trying to treat their problems with the help of an imaginary notepad, pencil and couch while tripping over non-existent obstacles. Also Graeme and Bill jogging up a flight of imaginary stairs, with Graeme stepping into Tim's supposed bath and then wringing out his supposedly wet trouser cuffs!

* The 'Teddy and Freddy' routine, with an ancient Graeme and Tim playing 'eye spy' in a near empty room where the clue of "something beginning with c" just has to be a lone chair standing right in front of them and also their fading memories about the long lost joys of women and umbrellas on rainy nights.

Corbet Woodall, Sheila Steafel

The definitive proof that The Goodies is far more than just slapstick visual effects and speeded up chase scenes, with a wickedly funny verbal script turning the idea of being trapped in a block of concrete into one of the finest half hours of 'black comedy' ever seen on television.

BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:

IIII - Officially amazing.

III - Goody goody yum yum.

II - Fair-y punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

February Episode Summary –

The Goodies Rule - OK

5. GOODIES COR COMICS SYNOPSIS #14

April 7th, 1973 No. 37

Cover banner: "Goody-Goody! TV Stars "The Goodies" Appear Inside!"

As in any form of storytelling, the best comics tend to be the ones which can introduce, re-introduce and tie together its various elements, making the narrative seem circular in fashion.

There's nothing quite as fun as a detailed story which develops its own in-jokes and resolves itself in with a good dose of irony. Throw in some comical illustrations, several names which double as terrific puns and some pokes at the legal system and football violence and you have another winner in the canon of the Goodies Cor!! comics!

Header: THIS TALE INVOLVES A ZEBRA CROSSING - "STRIPES" US THERE'LL BE FUN!

The Goodies are riding their trandem down a very busy city street, surrounded by huge, menacing cars which are speeding by. The have reached a zebra crossing where an elderly man is attempting to cross. At the same moment a very rich and corpulent woman is pulling her less-than-thrilled poodle over the last of the crossing. Having spotted her, The Goodies come to a screeching halt, which helps them to avoid hitting the elderly man who is directly in front of them. An angry motorist proceeds across the zebra crossing in front of the elderly man, narrowly missing him yet cursing at the poor man as he passes.

GRAEME: Cor!! Stop! That's Barbara Seville, the famous Spanish Opera-Singer!

ELDERLY MAN: AARGH! Look out!

ANGRY PASSING MOTORIST: Gerroff the road, you old nit!

The Goodies have stopped and the elderly man addresses them shakily. The Goodies are too embarrassed to admit they had stopped to look at the opera singer and not because of the crossing.

ELDERLY MAN: Phew! That was close! Nobody has any manners any more. At least *you* stopped for me, young fellers!

BILL: Yes, well .. !

Moments later the Goodies park their trandem on the side of the road and discuss what happened.

BILL: The old chap was right, you know! Everyone seems to have lost all sense of values these days!

TIM: Then it's up to us to put things right!

As they walk along they pass a football field where a fight between opposing players is taking place. A crowd of fans stand at the sidelines cheering encouragement as the long-haired, neanderthal-looking players pound on one another. The Goodies walk toward the melee.

FAN IN CROWD: Garn! 'it 'im, Charlie!

TIM: We ought to help sort this out!

Tim pushes himself between the two players (shoving one in the face quite bluntly) and begins preaching. Graeme and Bill stand behind him, as the referee comes rushing toward them angrily.

TIM: Come, come! Pack it in! This is no way to behave on the football field!

REFEREE: 'ere, what d'you think *you're* doing?

The referee boots all three Goodies off the field with one swift kick to their rears as the players and fans cheer.

REFEREE: Gerroff the pitch, you interfering busybodies, *I'm* in charge here! Right, lads, punch on - I mean, *play* on!

The Goodies hurry from the playing field as the fight picks up where it left off.

BILL: Cor!! I dunno, there's no *gratitude* left in the world!

GRAEME: Tcha! Let's get back to our bike!

BUT BACK AT THE BIKE ...

They find a traffic warden writing them out a ticket. Double yellow lines are now next to the curb where the trandem sits. A fancy car with the license plate COR 149 (in the tradition of using the number of the comic book as a license plate number) sits right in front of where the bike sits.

TRAFFIC WARDEN: This your machine? You're parked on the yellow lines. I'll have to book you forthwith!

TIM: B-but the lines weren't there when we left!

GRAEME: And why don't you book that car?

A wide angle of the street reveals the Goodies have parked in front of a courthouse and are now being ushered inside. We can see a workman busy painting the double yellow lines along the curb further down the street (the lines have been painted *around* the fancy car!). A prisoner (complete with a ball and chain on one leg) is polishing the fancy car as a police guard watches. Neither the guard nor the bobby outside the courthouse seem to notice the two crooks walking out of the bank next door with two big bags of loot.

TRAFFIC WARDEN: A quick paint job by order of Mr. Wright-Burke, the magistrate. That's *his* car - and you'll be meeting him in a minute!

INSIDE THE COURTROOM, OUR HEROES HAD TO WAIT THEIR TURN ...