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THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE

THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB

Issue No. 86 12th February 2003

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'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER

- Tim Brooke-Taylor, Alison Bean

Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you

2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

3. 2001 AND A BIT –

Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.

4. FROM THE GOODIES BOOKS –

something to look forward to next month!

5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY –

6. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #15

7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS

(by "Magnus Magnesium")

QUOTE: "Hello, we are the gypsies! Coming to steal the horse!"

(a) Which Goodies make this quote together?

(b) What are the odds for this horse to win the Grand National?

QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode "Superstar"

(d) Which song do the Goodies initially perform at the Isobel Chintz star agency?

(e) Whose show do they then appear on after being rejected by Isobel?

(f) Which stomach-churning song do they perform on this show?

(g) What is Bill's stage name when he becomes a rock star?

(h) Which later target of The Goodies does an impression of Jimmy Savile in this episode?

The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

* Oh look, Goodies clips. How nice!!!!

http://www.classiccomedy.net/btbroadband/

(David Balston - Goodies-l - 25th February)

* Spotted!!! - An Oldie But A Goodie! Our favourite loony scientist, Graeme Garden, celebrates his 60th birthday on February 18th. Congratulations and very best wishes to you from all GROK members, Graeme.

* There is a very brief interview with Tim in the new Radio Times, 1st February to 7th February.

A certain Tim Brooke-Taylor tells 'Rough Cut' of his personal miffedness that the TV powers that be don't broadcast his old show 'The Goodies' any more. While other cult programmes get a new lease of life on digital and cable, the undoubtedly funny 1970s show - starring Brooke-Taylor, Bill Oddie and Graeme Garden - is nowhere to be seen.

In Australia, 'The Goodies' remains so popular that they're constantly being invited to conventions. "The kids we see there are in their 20s," says Brooke-Taylor. "It's the kind of audience BBC2 wants to attract."

But BBC2 controller Jane Root denies any hidden anti-Goodies agenda. The channel, apparently, has so much new comedy in its portfolio (including hospital comedy 'TLC', in which Brooke-Taylor co-stars) that there's little room for repeats.

That's just not good enough. Bring back 'The Goodies' we say. After all, as talented Tim reveals "We were pop stars, too - we used to go out for dinner after 'Top Of The Pops' with Pan's People."

The interview is accompanied by a pic of Tim and the much used picture of the Goodies in the 'G' t-shirts with Graeme wearing the glove pointing

Radio Times now also carries listings for Radio 7 which is currently playing I'm sorry I Haven't A Clue at 12pm and 7pm every day and I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again at 12.30pm and 7.30pm on Fridays. Now if only there was a TV equivalent of BBC7 I bet they would show the Goodies daily!!!

(David Balston - Goodies-l - 29th January)

3. 2001 AND A BIT

If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website),as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.

* This was spotted by lovely fiancée Louise all about Bill and his misadventures with badly behaved moo cows.

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_741628.html

Bill Oddie soaked by urinating cow

Bill Oddie has been drenched by a urinating cow during a live television broadcast.

The presenter was visiting a farm in Galston, Ayrshire, when he was targeted by the five-year-old called Punch.

He was speaking to the BBC from the milking parlour at Killoch Farm when he was unexpectedly soaked.

His spokesman said: "Just at the end of the piece a cow called Punch peed on Bill big time.

"Bill said: 'For God's sake there is a cow peeing on me. It's a bovine golden shower!

"The presenters did not know what to say."

He added Mr Oddie saw the funny side of the incident, joking it would feature in TV compilations of on-air gaffes.

The presenter was at the farm to report on its work to preserve endangered wildlife.

It is one of a number in the region where 400 nesting boxes are being installed to protect birdlife.

The boxes are being paid for by consumer brand White & Wild milk, which pays premium prices to farmers who pledge to preserve and create habitats for endangered wildlife."

(David Balston - Goodies-l - 21st January)

* And in other news they report that Bill's series is atracting good viewing figures and has beaten the much publicised Steven Spielberg's "Taken http://www.ananova.com/entertainment/story/sm_741648.html

Bill Oddie scored a hit with his latest series, Bill Oddie Goes Wild which attracted 3.2 million viewers and a 13% share.

http://media.guardian.co.uk/overnights/story/0,7965,878496,00.html

Over on BBC2 the veteran wildlife presenter Bill Oddie scored a hit with his latest series, Bill Oddie Goes Wild. Oddie's unpromising-sounding look at wildlife in the north-east of England attracted 3.2 million viewers and a 13% share.

(David Balston - Goodies-l - 21st January)

* Bill's outing in the 3 part married With Children story "The England Show" gets repeated on the Paramount Comedy Channel on Tuesday 1th February at 1.05am and 1pm, Wednesday 12th February at 1am and 1pm and Thursday 13th at 1am and 1pm.

You can also catch Bill reading the Owl again on BBC Radio 7 Sunday 9th February at 3pm.

(David Balston - Goodies-l - 3rd February)

GRAEME SPOTTINGS

* There will be a British DVD release of "Whoops Apocalypse" which briefly featured Graeme.

It is being released on 12th may 2003, no details as to screen and sound format though, but as it's a budget £7.99 release it may well be 4:3

(David Balston - Goodies-l - 23rd January)

* Tickets are currently available for recordings of the next series of "The Right Time", a BBC Radio 4 sketch comedy show whose cast includes Graeme Garden as well as Eleanor Bron, Neil Innes, Clive Swift, Roger Blake, Ronnie Golden and Paula Wilcox.

The recordings will take place at The Drill Hall in London on 5 & 10 Feb plus 4, 11, & 18 March. Please see http://www.bbc.co.uk/whatson/tickets/shows/right_time.shtml for details or to order tickets.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - 30th January)

* Spotted! Graeme Garden in the additional material credits of the topical satire programme Bremner, Bird and Fortune (Sunday nights on Channel 4).

(Alison Bean - Goodies-l - 5th February)

* Tim Brooke-Taylor will be appearing in the UK soap "Crossroads" from 11 February through 19 February.

Apparently some articles have mistakenly said that Tim will be playing the partner of Lionel Blair (who's also scheduled to appear in "Crossroads" this year). Tim will actually be playing partner of Vince the Chef, who is played by Ben Porter. (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - 26th January)

* And from Tim himself about this: "I read to my horror that someone had mangled some news and made me the partner of Lionel Blair in Crossroads. I once toured with Lionel Blair and he is one of the most unpleasant people I have met and I would certainly not have agreed to work with him. I am the partner of Vince the Chef and today I've finally got the dates - first appearance is in episode 22 on 11 Feb, then through to the 19 Feb."

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE

* From those lovely people at

"As usual the dates of the next round of recordings are being discovered in dribs and drabs. The first date I have is June 1st at the Buxton Opera House. However, the recording has already sold out. Sorry. All I can suggest for the more ardent fans amongst you is to turn up on the night in case there are any return tickets." (David Balston - Goodies-l - 21st January)

* BBC7 will be playing old episodes of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" daily at 12:00 and 19:00 for the next two weeks. While the shows in that timeslot seem to rotate every two weeks the station has been playing an episode of "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" every Friday at 12:30 and 19:30.

You can listen to BBC7 or check their schedule at http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7/ If you need help figuring out when the shows will air in your area, you might want to use a time zone converter such as http://www.timezoneconverter.com/

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - 26th January)

* Good news for you people worldwide. I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue comes to the world service at 20.05 GMT Saturday 15th February, 13.05 GMT Sunday 16th February. Additionally it is played at 04.05 GMT Saturday 15th February on 648MW only replacing Outlook in the main world Service schedule.

You can listen live at http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/ where the frequencies worldwide are also listed.

(David Balston - Goodies-l - 5th February)

4. FROM THE GOODIES BOOKS

Welcome to a new section of the C&G which will begin properly next month and appear regularly from then onwards - probably in every second edition depending on time and space factors.

While we are all familiar with The Goodies' brilliance on television, many fans may not be aware that The Goodies also wrote four very innovative and humourous books during the 1970s; these being:

* The Goodies Annual 1974

* The Goodies File (1975)

* The Goodies Book Of Criminal Records (1975)

* The Making Of The Goodies Disaster Movie (1977)

These books no longer seem to be available commercially, though second-hand copies come up for sale from time to time on Bibliofind, which is now part of Amazon http://www.amazon.com and similar websites. A pity really, because the books are choc-a-bloc with wonderful written and visual material that definitely wouldn't have been out of place in the Goodies episodes themselves.

As it would be very difficult to reproduce the visual humour in a written format, this section of the C&G will look at some of the written humour which was such an important part of these Goodies books. The first section to be covered in the March edition of the C&G will be how to dance "The Goody" in tune to "The Goodies Theme" from "The Goodies File" - something that you've no doubt always wanted to know!

5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

First screened: 21st December 1975

A Pathe News presentation from 1961 highlights the exciting young stars of the era, including Cliff Richard, Cilla Black and the Bay City Rollers (a bunch of 5 tiny babies in nappies!) and also features an up-and-coming group performing at a Liverpool nightclub which have agents flocking to see them. The Bootles (featuring the three Goodies and a wooden dummy as George!) are singing 'She Loves You', but are soon pelted with vegetables by the unimpressed agents and walk away in despair, ditching their jackets, black mop top wigs and music sheets (including 'Eleanor Rigby' by Graeme Garden!) as they leave. Four other Liverpool lads step forth from the audience, don the jackets and wigs and soon dazzle the hysterical crowds of teenagers as The Beatles.

It is a similar story in 1968 with the Goodies pelted and booed off the stage as the Confirmed Batchelors, only for the Batchelors to find fame and fortune shortly afterwards and again in 1970 when the Extremes in their flowing wigs and gold sequinned dresses bomb out singing 'Baby Love' while the Supremes get all of the glory soon afterwards. In 1974, they don't even get any further than announcing themselves as "the three..." before getting pelted and booed and they soon find themselves down and out on 'Skid Row' with other washed up acts (like the two Gumbies - John and Eric! - rummaging in a bin and Ravi the babbling Indian sitar player) and lament that they are years ahead of their time and that the public are only interested in easy ripoffs rather than genuine talent.

However Graeme stumbles upon the secret ingredients for a successful supergroup, which consists of trademark items from various entertainers and rock groups and in no time, the Goodies stage the concert of the millenium at Wembley stadium. So many extra police have been hired to control the crowd that no one else can fit inside, so the Goodies perform a psychedelic rendition of 'Wild Thing' to an audience of screaming, crying, hysterical, dope smoking coppers! The Goodies are finally a smash and fill the top 10 with a string of hit songs (plus some very groovy photos) and rake in the dough in the process, although at the same time Britain sinks further into crisis as trade figures worsen, the pound falls and people look more and more depressed by the day.

Despite this, the Goodies are to receive their long awaited OBE's for services to the music industry from the Queen in a garden party at Buckingham Palace. Despite the rising water levels from the torrential rain and the tears of the miserable suffering dignitaries, the cheerful Goodies row out of the palace gates only to be collared by a submerged Prime Minister (with his pipe sticking out of the water to aid his breathing) who appoints them as pop group laureate and urges them to cheer up their miserable countrymen.

The Goodies achieve this by encouraging everyone to "Bounce For Britain" and everything from knockers to nobility soon bounces along to this infectious tune. However the whole country rapidly goes bonkers over bouncing, including the host of the Nationwide Crisis Edition (despite him being tied to his chair in desperation!) and after the Prime Minister yells "I give up!" and bounces off a building, the whole nation has to go to the polls. The appeal of the Goodies-led Bouncing Party has waned, as older folk support the Waltzers and a few voters even fancy the extremist strutting Max Walling and McKenzie Square Dancing parties. Eventually with Bouncing Party supporters finding it difficult to fill out the ballot papers while on the move, there is a landslide victory to the Standing Party, whose politicians look suspiciously like wooden dummies in pinstripe suits and bowler hats.

The town crier soon reads out a parliamentary edict which bans all bouncing, funky chickening and enjoyment of any sort and makes it an offence for anyone to have fun anymore. The streets are policed by the dreaded Mirth Inspectors; hooded, black garbed, baton wielding thugs on horseback who clobber puppeteers, burst kids balloons and harass anyone who is having a good time in their bid to 'Keep Britain Gloomy'. However there is an uprising in nearby Sherwood Forest and the Robin Hood-like Goodies ride about on their trandem and entertain people with various circus and magic acts, which leads to prohibition where the fun laws are tightened even further. The 'unmentionables' are not to be denied though and after they cause havoc with the St.Valentines Day custard pie massacre, they seek refuge in underground 'joke-easys' and gradually round up all of the banned entertainers (although they have the eminently good sense and taste to leave Tony Blackburn behind on the street!)

Following a vote of no confidence, the government is toppled (as wooden dummies tumble over like dominoes) and the Entertainers Party is set to govern, except for one major hitch. Because they have spent so long in hiding, all of the old stars have forgotten how to do their acts and despite some expert reminders from Graeme's brilliant mimicry, they are utterly useless. As an interim measure, a puppet government is set up (with Sooty as the new Prime Minister!), but his prefence for playing the xylophone on Nationwide rather than discussing political issues, followed by a rowdy nursery room-style scrap among the puppets in parliament forces the Goodies (who are watching a tv set imbedded in a tree in the woods) to venture to the country mansion Chequers to sort things out.

After they avoid security (Punch and Judy atop a barn door), the Goodies storm the Cabinet room and Tim lectures the puppets for behaving badly, only to come under attack from all directions by enraged puppet politicians. The Goodies escape through a window and flee into the spacious gardens, but the pigs set off an alarm and giant Andy Pandy puppets soon lope after them. Tim pulls out his conveniently carried makeup kit and he, Bill and (an embarrassed-looking!) Graeme paint themselves up and dance along with the puppets until Graeme can't resist the temptation to punch the tripe out of them. Tim rests on a rubbish bin and is dragged inside by a huge green monster, after which there are chomping noises and a huge burp and Tim emerges with a piece of green fur in his mouth!

Meanwhile Bill is surrounded by a pack of wrestling Wombles and Graeme has been trapped by Bill and Ben the flowerpot men. He and Tim grab swords and engage in a lengthy duel with Bill and Ben, which they eventually win as they cut the puppet's strings (apart from one hand which jousts with Graeme until he pushes its sword into the ground!) and then dismantle the pots. Just as they triumphantly finish, they are startled by a loud cry of "WEEEED!!" as Little Weed shoots up out of a nearby pot, but a brutal swish of the sword soon shuts it up. After they finally take care of the flowerpot men and the Wombles, the Goodies think that they are safe, however a giant Dougal dog from 'The Magic Roundabout' emerges and crashes through the trees after them (giving Graeme a rather hair-raising ride), then Zebedee (a monster moustachioed spring-mounted jack-in-the-box) bounces after them (and nearly claims Tim's crown jewels as a prize!).

The Goodies flee into a manhole just as a berserk Dougal crashes round and round through the walls of Chequers and Zebedee does a similar demolition job on the roof (with Sooty and the other puppets trapped at the window inside), as rubble crashes down and water spurts everywhere. The Goodies emerge unscathed and tune into the news bulletin to find that there has been a coup and that the three major party leaders have agreed to form a coalition government. The three are all caricatures of puppets dancing, with the Goodies then pictured standing above the set pulling on the strings!

* Tim: "Now look, I know all of you puppets were only trying to help, but I'm afraid that you got out of hand ...!"

(NOTE: The apparent lack of 'classic quotes' is mostly due to the unique style of the episode, as much of it is narrated with accompanying visual scenes or music clips and as such, the visuals provide the major bulk of the action and humour. Even the section where Graeme mimics the various entertainers is more amusing for the way he does it rather than for what he actually says.)

* Their 1961 performance as the Bootles at the Cavern Club (with Graeme as Don, Tim as Saul, Bill - and his huge gorilla-like nose - as Bingo and a wooden dummy as George!) where they are singing an endless chorus of 'She Loves You' (with a shot of the real Paul McCartney looking totally unimpressed in the background), only to be pelted with vegies by the various bored music agents. They remove their jackets and wigs and slink despondently off stage, only for 'the Beatles' to step forth from the audience (with footage of the real Beatles stepping to the mike and donning jackets) and marvel at the scripts of 'Eleanor Rigby' by Graeme Garden and 'I Want To Hold Your Hand' by Tim Brooke Taylor and Bill Oddie. Naturally the Beatles are soon a huge success with hysterical crowds screaming for them and the same agents lapping it all up, although the now-punk Goodies in the front row manage to pelt a few well aimed vegies at them before they are in turn pelted again by the agents.

* Graeme finally assembling the secrets of success for a rock supergroup; these being Donny Osmond's teeth (chattering away in a box and requiring sunglasses on before having a peek at them!), the Bay City Rollers huge baggy trousers, Elton John's oversized yellow-green sunglasses, Kojak's hair (a skinhead wig), Gary Glitter's hairy chest (a welcome mat!), Alvin Stardust's groovy glove, Ray Woods' horror makeup, the Rubettes' giant flat white cap, the Wombles' hairy feet and Lindy de Paul's sexy dress, which are worn in various combinations by the three Goodies in the display sequence and at their rock concert.

* The Goodies concert of the millenium at Wembley Stadium where they unleash a sizzling version of 'Wild Thing' (the one on their 1997 'Best Of' CD) to an audience of screaming, hysterical, stripping, dope smoking policemen (as the police presence is so great that nobody else can get in!) who crazily storm the stage and souvenir much of the Goodies clothing and props before the sound system explodes into a fiery inferno.

* The royal garden party at which the Goodies get their long awaited OBE's from the Queen where after arriving in fine style aboard the trandem, they find that the bucketing rain and tears from the miserable upper class folk are trying to spoil the happiest day of their lives (although Bill makes light of it by skimming plates across the water!). Despite a flipper-clad PM, a waterlogged bugle call, and an ever-deepening inland sea of waist-deep water, they must kneel and are presented with their gongs by a duck-diving Queen before rowing a boat out past the sunken bearskin hat of a guard at the gate of a superbly submerged Buckingham Palace.

* Their splendid revenge in having a certain Sir Johnathon Peel standing for the Funky Gibbon Party in the general election, complete with lots of scratching gestures and gibbon noises!

* The various scenes with the Robin Hood-like Goodies providing some much needed humour to the good folks of Sherwood Forest by firing a custard pie on an arrow at one of the horrid Mirth Inspectors and putting on a splendid performance including circus acrobatics, organ grinding gypsies, knife throwing, magic acts and dancing girls. A lady sitting at a spinning wheel is most amused by it all and starts chuckling, but her woodchopping husband is worried about her laughing getting them in strife, so he gradually covers her mouth with tape, ties her up and puts a paper bag over her head to shut her up. After the Goodies have ridden away, he bursts out laughing at the sight of his bound and gagged wife and he is instantly clobbered by a Mirth Inspector for his troubles. Also the following scene where a Mirth Inspector standing against a wall with an ever-growing shadow menacingly approaching him as he tries to justify why he can't stop the Goodies entertaining people. The shadow belongs to a bowler hatted wooden dummy politician which clobbers him in turn.

* The St. Valentines Day massacre where the three black suited Goodyfathers open up their violin cases to reveal a deadly arsenal of custard pies and promptly let 'em rip at a group of depressed folks who soon collapse with laughter as they are well and truly creamed.

* Their cruise around the streets at breakneck pace in a big black limo rounding up forgotten stars including Tommy Cooper and Rolf Harris (who has three legs kicking away out the window after being snaffled!), but especially where they spy Tony Blackburn (the real one) reading a paper on a corner and slow down, but rapidly speed away as he approaches the car, leaving him crying on the street!

* The scenes in the underground 'joke-easy' where Graeme has all of the old entertainers lined up but they have forgotten how to do their acts despite his expertly mimicked reminders. His begging for Tommy Cooper to go "just like that ... just like that!" followed by the silly laugh is met with some kind of slow Cockney response from 'Tommy', causing Graeme to knock his trademark red fez off in disgust and the sequence is repeated all the way down the line with Graeme providing the mimics (including 'Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport' for a useless Rolf Harris - is there any other one?!) only for them to stuff it up. The best one by far is where the real Eddie Waring stands up and launches into a "by jove Missus!" routine only to be told firmly by Graeme that he is supposed to say "(yabble, babble etc)" as in Chubby Chumps or various other episodes where he has taken off Eddie so brilliantly.

* The many and varied scenes with Sooty, Dougal, Bill and Ben and the other puppets which are covered in more detail in the plot section, especially the finale where Dougal and Zebedee crash through the walls and roof of Chequers, reducing it to a pile of rubble after a lengthy but brilliantly compiled chase scene.

Michael Barrett, Tony Blackburn, Sue Lawley, Patrick Moore, Eddie Waring, Terry Wogan, Corbet Woodall, Norman Mitchell, Ronald Russell, Roland MacLeod, Barry Cryer, Sheila Steafel

A veritable masterpiece of comedic satire from start to finish with superb sendups of politics, the music industry and children's tv (among many other themes), more brilliant mimicry by Graeme (some of it to the real entertainer's faces which is a remarkably courageous effort) and stacks of memorable visuals which appear regularly in the theme footage of the following series. For all of this artistic excellence though, it seems to me that they left out one key ingredient - some scenes or quotes which induce a real belly laugh. Sure there are heaps of scenes which provoke a smile or a chuckle, but it just lacks the knock-'em-down humour of the other episodes in the preceding fifth series, and there was a whole 50 minutes to fit it in. A very fine episode though, all the same.

IIII Officially Amazing

BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:

IIII - Officially amazing.

III - Goody goody yum yum.

II - Fair-y punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

March Episode Summary –

6. GOODIES COR COMICS SYNOPSIS #15

April 14, 1973 No. 38

When the Goodies were adapted into comic strip characters within the pages of Cor!! they joined a long line of creative characters which graced that publication's pages: Gus Gorilla, Ivor Lott and Tony Broke, the oddities in Hire a Horror, Teacher's Pet, The Slimms and many more.

Once in a while a character from one comic would appear in the panels of another, especially for special crossover issues. The Goodies never appeared in any of the other Cor!! strips during their 1973 residency in "Cortown" (likely the licensing agreement for the characters didn't cover crossovers), but one regular Cor!! character *did* make an appearance in the installment we are reviewing this month. Jasper the Grasper was a miserly Victorian grump whose exploits could be read in the pages of Cor!! for many years. In this outing the Goodies have a brief encounter with their fellow comic book denizen as they find themselves on a time-traveling adventure.

Header: IS THERE ANY FUTURE IN GRAEME'S TIME MACHINE?

A young newspaper reporter (complete with visor, notepad and pencils behind his ear) bursts into the Goodies office. Graeme has been working on a new contraption while Bill stands by the desk and Tim is wearing earmuffs (probably to drown out the sound of Graeme's work). Graeme tosses aside a hammer and motions to booth in which a roomful of gadgets and gizmos are housed.

REPORTER: Can you find out something about Cortown in days gone by? My editor wants an article for his paper!

GRAEME: We'll go and see for ourselves - I've just invented a *time-machine!*

The Goodies enter Graeme's time machine and watch as he fiddles with the controls. Graeme has donned a flying cap and goggles for the trip.

GRAEME: Just a *short* trip back to start with! There - now let's see where we are!

They peek out of the machine to see themselves lazing around their office ... Graeme sleeping in a chair, Tim throwing a paper airplane and Bill playing with a yo-yo.

GRAEME: *We're* here - you've only taken us back to yesterday!

TIM: H'mm, one of our busier days! I remember it well!

They re-enter the booth and Tim immediately grapples the lever control.

TIM: Let me try this time!

GRAEME: Careful - don't tug so hard!

They are jostled as the machine rattles horribly; springs springing around them, a cuckoo clock cuckoo popping out from the wall.

BILL: Th-thought we were g-going back in time? Th-this is putting years on me!

The booth lands on a Victorian street and, more precisely, on the foot of an elderly gentleman in a black top hat and tails. This is Jasper the Grasper, a Cor!! comics regular and well-known penny pincher. Tim looks out of the window of the time machine and spots the pained man.

JASPER THE GRASPER: Aargh! You dropped that thing on my toe and made *me* drop a farthing!

TIM: Hey! It's *Jasper the Grasper* - we must have landed in Victorian times!

The Goodies exit the booth and while Bill contemplates a Victorian parking meter Graeme turns to deal with Jasper.

JASPER THE GRASPER: I'll sue you for a billion pounds damage!

GRAEME: Here's 50p - it's all I've got!

Jasper the Grasper eyes the 50p with skepticism. A Victorian bobby is quickly approaching them (and Sherlock Holmes can be seen in the background).

JASPER THE GRASPER: This isn't a *real* coin - it's got lumps knocked off it! Arrest those counterfeiters, officer!

GRAEME: Yikes, I forgot decimal coins haven't been thought of yet! Back in the time machine - quick!

The Goodies dash back into the booth and Bill immediately grabs a nearby lever.

BILL: I'll have a go this time!

GRAEME: No! Not *that* lever!

The Goodies wind up in a whirl as the time machine spins wildly.

GRAEME: That was the emergency boost! Goodness knows where we'll end up now!

WHEN AT LAST THE TIME-MACHINE STOPPED ...

The Goodies emerge from the booth and descend what looks like a long, steep stairway.

GRAEME: Oh, no! We're back in the days before Cortown was even built!

TIM: Funny! What are steps doing in the middle of nowhere?

BILL: Phew ... it could at least have been an escalator!

At the bottom of the steps they are confronted by several cave dwellers ... a man and wife who are sitting having breakfast at a stone table (with a stone television running in the background and a prehistoric parking meter out front). Another caveman is dragging his wife by the hair away from the cave.

DEPARTING CAVEMAN: Thanks for the meal, neighbor!

HOSPITABLE CAVEMAN: Drag the wife along anytime!

TIM: Arrrgh! We're right back in ancient Britain!

The Goodies soon realize the steps they have walked down are moving away, as they turn out to be the back scales of a huge dinosaur who is scurrying off. They take chase (not noticing the prehistoric workmen in the background busily erecting Stonehenge).

GRAEME: Those steps were a prehistoric monster's scales!

BILL: Quick, after him or we'll be stuck here for good!

They scurry up the back of the dinosaur and jump into the booth (Tim steps on Bill's head). In the background Stonehenge falls apart.

GRAEME: Phew, made it! Leave it to me this time - I'm taking us back to the present!

TIM: Pant! About time!

The booth materializes in the middle of a demolition zone, and the Goodies have to run for their lives as a wrecking ball hurtles toward the machine.

TIM: Back in our little office at last!

GRAEME: Arrrgh! Oh, no we're not . . . run for it lads!

Safe from danger, Graeme and Tim watch as the time machine is smashed to pieces. Bill is noticing the reporter, who has shown up on the scene.

GRAEME: Bah, that monster moved us to where they're knocking down those old factories!

TIM: That's the end of the time-machine, thank goodness!

REPORTER: Why it's the Goodies! Back from your trip to the good old days already?

The Goodies take off after the reporter, who runs for his life.

GRAEME: Good old days, eh? Have we got *news* for you!

REPORTER: Ouch! What did I say?

Sign-Off Line: Our T.V. chums return in next week's special new-features issue!

RATING (using the BLACK PUDDING RATING SYSTEM):

II - Fair-y punkmother.

This is a rather lifeless episode which never really gets going and has no satisfying payoff. The gimmick of having Jasper the Grasper appear isn't very inspired, which is a shame. There is a strange mistake in the third panel when a speech balloon points to Graeme but more likely should have been Tim's line (it is saying "You've taken us back to yesterday" which Graeme would not say to himself). Likewise the second line about it being one of their busier days seems more suited to Bill. The speech balloons *could* be construed as pointing to the correct characters, but it's questionable at best. Tim later utters the line "We're right back in Ancient Britain!" which seems strange since they hadn't been there before (so how could they be right back?). Overall the dialogue is sadly lacking in both humor and punch.

The art is adequate enough but not as lively as in other editions. There's no sense of movement when the time-machine comes to a rest, and Bill is unusually short throughout the panels. There are a number of jokes in the backgrounds (such as the prehistoric workers building Stonehenge and the running parking meter joke) but the Victorian street scene is strangely lacking in background humor ... instead it seems fairly straightforward.

This is the first time we realize the comic Goodies don't reside in Cricklewood, but rather the fictional "Cortown" where all of Cor!!'s characters presumably reside. This would remain consistently the case throughout the series.

The idea of a time travel story is a good one, and indeed the Cor!! artists would revisit the idea again and pull together a much better story from it. But it wouldn't be until the end of October 1973 that this plot device would be better served.

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7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS