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THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE

THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB

Issue No. 87 17th March 2003

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'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

FAB FEATURE ARTICLE CONTRIBUTOR:

COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER

- Alison Bean, Marilyn Burge, Linda Kay, Ian Greaves, Julia Stanbridge

WITH SPECIAL THANKS TO:

- Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden

1. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

2. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.

3. FEATURE ARTICLE: - Goody Questions, Even Better Answers

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY - Almighty Cod

5. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #16

EDITOR'S NOTE: "Quiz & Quote" and "From The Goodies Books" have been held over until the April edition of the C&G.

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

GOODIES DVD'S ... AT LAST

* After a very long wait, there's finally going to be a new home video release of Goodies episodes. Eight episodes are scheduled to be released on DVD and VHS tape in the UK on 28 April. Here's the information we currently know about the forthcoming releases.

The title of both the 2-DVD and the 2-VHS tape sets is 'The Goodies – At Last!' Each will contain these episodes: 1. The Tower Of London, 2. Gender Education, 3. Kitten Kong, 4. The Goodies And The Beanstalk, 5. Kung Fu Capers, 6. Lighthouse Keeping Loonies, 7. Earthanasia, and 8. Saturday Night Grease.

The front cover artwork can be seen at http://www.blackstar.co.uk/video/item/7000000077816

The DVD will contain the following bonus materials:

- surviving footage from 'Broaden Your Mind' (the television show Tim, Graeme, and Bill worked on prior to 'The Goodies')

- audio commentaries by Tim, Graeme, and Bill on three episodes – 'Kitten Kong', "The Goodies and The Beanstalk', and 'Lighthouse Keeping Loonies'

- laughter-free track on 'The Goodies and the Beanstalk' – apparently the original film of the episode was used for this release and since the laughter in the broadcast episode came from an audience viewing (rather than an in-studio recording) it's possible to offer this episode without the laugh track.

- digital restoration feature – the episodes were remastered for this new release. I believe this feature will show a comparison of some footage before & after it had been restored.

Many retail shops have erroneouly listed the running time of the DVD/video sets as 77 minutes; this is obviously far too short for eight episodes. The correct running time will be closer to 300 minutes. Also, please note that many shops still list the original release date of 24 March; the release was pushed back to 28 April to allow time to add some of the DVD bonus materials.

Although this hasn't been confirmed, we believe the DVDs will be Region 0 PAL. The VHS tapes will also be in PAL. Fans in the US and other countries that use the NTSC broadcast standard should note that they will need equipment that can play PAL videos/DVDs (or convert PAL to NTSC) if they wish to view the UK releases.

One website (http://www.michaeldvd.com.au/Discs/Disc.asp?ID=7126) is listing a forthcoming Australian DVD entitled 'The Goodies – Volume 1' with a tentative release date of 5 May. We have no further information at this time, although if a Goodies DVD is going to be released in Australia in the near future it's likely to be the same as the UK release. If this is the case, it's possible the revised UK release date will affect the Australian release date (pushing it back beyond 5 May).

As new information becomes available we will post it in the News section on the club's website (http://www.goodiesruleok.com). (by Lisa Manekofsky

WHERE CAN I ORDER THE GOODIES DVD FROM?

Here is a by no means exhaustive list of websites to check out:

http://www.blackstar.co.uk/video/item/7000000077816

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00008MJ0W/qid%3D1045732668/026-738

http://www.playserver5.com/play247.asp?page=search&adudisc=y

http://www.mvc.co.uk/common/product.jhtml?pid=30014062

Blackstar also stock the VHS version at:

http://www.blackstar.co.uk/video/item/7000000077817

Those lovely people at the Mausoleum Club have posted an early version ofthe DVD cover at http://www.the-mausoleum-club.org.uk/network/network_goodies.htm

BTW don't bother to point out the episode title errors. They know. :-)

Don't forget to have a look at the rest of the site at http://www.the-mausoleum-club.org.uk (David Balston – Goodies-l – 15th March)

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/entertainment/stayingin/articles/3534633?source=Evening%20Standard (Ian Greaves – Goodies-l – 24th February)

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN'T READ THE RADIO TIMES ...

* I'm surprised no one else has noticed this. A letter in the current Radio Times (15-21 February 2003):

---------------------------

WHAT A GOODIES IDEA...

I was dismayed by the Beeb's attitude towards The Goodies (Rough Cut, 1 February). The reason given for not showing repeats of this classic comedy series was having far too much "new comedy" waiting in the wings, and no space to schedule repeats.

Oh really? A cursory glance at a recent RT shows reruns of Red Dwarf, The Good Life and Dinnerladies - so repeats are not an alien concept.

New comedy is always to be welcomed - the BBC has fostered some real gems such as The Kumars At No. 42, Happiness and The League of Gentlemen - but we are a

nation built on nostalgia, and many of today's comedians owe much to those who forged a path through the cosy comedies of the 1970s.

Froxfield, Hampshire

--------------------------

Can't say I agree with Stephen's assessment that The Goodies is "cosy", but it was nice to see his letter. (Alison Bean - Goodies-l - 16th February)

FRANKENFIDO RETURNS

* I was reassured this past week that even 25 years on, our threesome can still be relevant to the world as it happens.

I sat through the live broadcast of Crufts last sunday and became somewhat depressed by the "Best in Show", (Sorry folks but I like a dog to look like a dog).

On turning to my favourite threesome to cheer myself up, I found myself rewatching "Frankenfido" (series 5 1975). And there it was, the ancestor of this years Crufts Best in show, bred by Graeme for Tim and Bill 25 years ago! It was the spitting image (well almost except, as my husband pointed out, this years winner was spoilt by the addition of a face).

It took me until several days later to realise that "Novelty Breed" is not actually a category at Crufts, so maybe it was pure coincidence after all.....

(by Julia Stanbridge)

2. 2001 AND A BIT

If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website),as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.

* The 21 January episode of the BBC Radio 4 series "The Sunday Format" included a brief mention of Bill. The comedy show is a parody of the features sections that are included in Sunday newspapers. One listing in the fictional table of contents for this episode was "The Dove That Dare Not Speak Its Name: Bill Oddie looks at the Patagonian Dove that's recently come out as gay. Gay bird pull-out special, pages 5-6." (Lisa Manekofsky)

* My friend spotted the following in a London newspaper on 7 February (sorry, I don't know which paper it was in):

"Cuddly Bill Oddie, the popular presenter of birdwatching programmes, is regarded as the most mild-mannered creature in showbiz.

But the national treasure lost his temper after delivering a speech on Wednesday, I learn, and threw a glass of water over a heckling member of the audience.

Trouble flared when the former Goodie addressed members of the Chartered Institute of Building Services Engineers at a black-tie bash at West London's Grosvenor Hotel.

"This guy who'd obviously drunk too much was shouting abuse at Bill and slow hand clapping" says the organisation's spokesman Chris Brown. "Perhaps he just didn't like the Goodies."

Another guest says: "The best bit was when Bill came off stage and headed for the chap's table. The heckler stood up as if he was ready for a punch-up and got drenched. Bill scored a direct hit."

Then he flew out of the exit." (Lisa Manekofsky)

* This news completely went by without me noticing.

Check out the website for a couple of nice pictures too.

Big Finish is delighted to announce details of its April release, the musical extravaganza Doctor Who and the Pirates. Joining Colin Baker and Maggie Stables on this operatic odyssey is an impressive array of acting and musical talent. Owing to the nature of the script, director Barnaby Edwards has assembled a cast composed entirely of actors who are also trained singers: some will be new to Big Finish listeners, while others are familiar names who are seizing the chance to display their musical talents in Doctor Who!

The villainous pirate king Red Jasper is to be played by none other than Bill Oddie, known and loved by millions as a member of the classic comedy trio The Goodies. Boasting an impressive string of musical credits (he wrote and produced The Goodies' numerous songs, including their famous theme tune and the chartbusting hit The Funky Gibbon), Bill has also appeared in shows as diverse as The Detectives and Titmuss Regained, has written numerous comedy scripts for TV and radio, and continues to delight nature lovers with his regular programmes on wildlife.

(from information provided by David Balston - Goodies-l - 1st March)

* There is a show featuring the best of Bill Oddie Goes Wild on Friday 14th March at 8pm on BBC2. (David Balston - Goodies-l - 2nd March)

GRAEME SPOTTINGS

* The new video "The Very Best of Have I Got News For You" includes a brief clip from Graeme Garden's 1997 appearance on that show. (Lisa Manekofsky)

* "Doctor In The House" is currently being shown on Australian pay-tv channel UKTV at 5pm. Once its run is completed, it will be followed by "Doctor At Large" and "Doctor In Charge". All three of these series contain many episodes written by Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie.

(from information contributed by Marilyn Burge)

* I've just gotten the news that Graeme Garden will be on the BBC drama series "Holby City" on Tuesday, 18 Feb, as well as the following week on 25 Feb. (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - 16th February)

* The sketch show Right Time featuring Graeme Garden returns Thursday 13th

March at 6.30pm on BBC Radio 4. It also stars Eleanor Bron, Neil Innes, Clive Swift and Roger Blake. Music from Ronnie and the Rex.

(David Balston - Goodies-l - 2nd March)

* GRAEME GARDEN SOLD AT AUCTION . . . BILL ODDIE TO FOLLOW

An original piece of signed artwork by Graeme Garden was recently auctioned off on eBay as part of a fundraising event entitled "Outline an Orchid" held for the support of the Dorset Wildlife Trust.

Graeme's contribution, titled "Cry For Help," was a full-color, humourous yet poignant spoof of Edvard Munch's famous painting, "The Scream." The auction took place between February 20th and March 2nd with a starting bid of $1.00. The final bid was an impressive GBP 465.05 (approx.US $745.61)!

This was one of a series of original drawings by many celebrities being sold as part of this fundraising event. Over 250 celebrity drawings have been obtained and will be auctioned off over the coming months, including an upcoming original piece by Bill Oddie. The list of celebrities who have contributed to this event is impressive and includes such notables as Terence Stamp, Rik Mayall, Hugh Laurie, Terry Jones, Eric Idle, Sir Bob Geldof, Vic Reeves, Graham Norton, Gordon Peters, and Mark Radcliffe.

The description of the auction for Graeme's art read as follows:

"An original signed drawing by Graeme Garden, humorist, novelist, playwright, director and scriptwriter. He's called his drawing 'Cry For Help'.

"Graeme was educated at Repton and Cambridge and then qualified in medicine at King's College, London.

"He co-wrote and played in the BBC Radio series, 'I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again' in the 1960's before devising the classic antidote to panel games, 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue' in the early 70's. In 1973 Graeme, Tim Brooke Taylor and Bill Oddie became the award winning 'The Goodies' and made seven series. The Goodies also made a number of records with their 'Funky Gibbon' reaching number 4 in the charts. We will be auctioning fellow Goodie Bill Oddie's drawing in the next month or so.

"Graeme produced this drawing, a wonderful adaptation of Edvard Munch's 'The Scream' on approximately A4 (8 inches x 12 inches) size watercolour paper specially for the Dorset Wildlife Trust Auction, so it really is a unique item. You'll only ever have this chance of owning the original drawing or giving it as a present."

The DWT was founded in 1961 to protect the wild life and natural habitats in Dorset county. The Trust currently maintains 35 nature reserves in the area. For more information on the "Outline an Orchid" auction and the Dorset Wildlife Trust, visit their website at http://www.wildlifetrust.org.uk/dorset/

* A new series of the 'The Right Time' begins on Radio 4 this month. We asked Graeme Garden about the status of some of his other regular radio series, such as 'The Motion Show', 'Do Go On' (with Griff Rhys Jones), and 'Hamish & Dougal: You'll Have Had Your Tea' (with Barry Cryer). Here's the response from busy Mr. Garden:

"You know about the Right Time dates, and we're now under way. The Motion Show has been axed and is no more.

Griff is too busy with other projects to do any Do Go Ons this year.

Baz and I would love to do some more Hamish and Dougals, but so far have had absolutely no response at all from the BBC.

Clue looms as ever...

I'm writing for Bremner Bird and Fortune on Channel 4, script-editing the new Hudson and Pepperdine Show on Radio 4 - ditto for Marcus Brigstocke's 'Giles Wemmbley Hogg series later in the year.

I've also written two episodes for a BBC Scotland/Canadian co-produced children's serial which is expected to go into production this spring.

Other pilots, plots and plans too numerous to mention!"

(by Lisa Manekofsky and Graeme Garden)

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE

* "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue - Volume 7" was released on 3 February; it is available as both a double CD and a double audio cassette set. In this volume the regular panelists are joined by special guests Jeremy Hardy, Phill Jupitus, Andy Hamilton, and Sandi Toksvig. (Lisa Manekofsky)

* "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" returns for just one week on UK BBC digital radio station BBC7 starting Saturday 22nd February at 12pm and 7pm and continues in that slot from Monday 24th to Friday 28th February. No Clue on Sunday this time round. Seems looks like a convenient way of scheduling a 6 part series in one week, however Saturday's is from August 1981, Monday's and Tuesday's are from June 2000, Wednesday and Thursday's are from November 2000 and Friday's is from June 2001. Hopefully they will carry on digging back to the older episodes next time round.

(David Balston - Goodies-l - 21st February)

* The following dates of upcoming ISIHAC recordings have been kindly provided by Tim Brooke-Taylor:

- Sunday 11th May: Civic Theatre, Darlington (seats 901)

Ticket bookings: 01325 486555. Ticket prices: £8.50 and £5.50

- Sunday 1st June: Buxton Opera House (seats 937)

- Sunday 15th June: Princess Theatre, Torquay

Ticket bookings: 08702 414120 (it is suggested that you choose 'option 2' when dialling this number, as 'option 1' will put you through to Ticketmaster, who levy a £2 booking fee on top of the ticket price.) Ticket prices: £8.50, £7.00 and £5.50

3. FEATURE ARTICLE

GOODY QUESTIONS - EVEN BETTER ANSWERS

(by Andrew Reid - AKA Big Pud)

(Editor's introduction) Those of you who attended Kitten Kon may recall that Andrew purchased a genuine "black pudding" prop from the Kung Fu Kapers episode at the charity auction, therefore he truly deserves t' title of Big Pud, if not T'Grand Master even. As GROK's only remaining postal member, Andrew resorted to the wonders of Goody Post and sent a letter to the Pirate Post Office, where Tim Brooke-Taylor kindly answered the following questions for Andrew - and the C&G as well:

(1) WHERE WAS THE OFFICE SET FILMED?

The office set was usually in the BBC TV Centre in White City, London. We recorded in front of an audience and the office being not on film was always there.

(2) HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE THERE FOR THE FILMING?

I think there were about 200-250 in the audience, but I'm not certain.

(3) WHO IS GORDON BENNETT?

Gordon Bennett was apparently the proprietor of the New York Herald. He organised balloon races at the beginning of the 20th century. Like 'gorblimey', it's a euphemism to avoid saying 'God'.

(Editor's trivia: Another Gordon Bennett is currently the head of the sports department at Channel 7 in Melbourne. His name also gets taken in vain when incessant ad breaks continually interrupt the football and other sporting telecasts on his station!)

(4) AFTER BEING COVERED IN BAKED BEANS FOR MANY YEARS (AS PART OF THE MOCK HEINZ ADS), DID YOU EAT THEM BACK THEN AND DO YOU STILL ENJOY THEM?

Good question about baked beans. Yes I did go on eating them and I still do. In fact I might have some later.

(5) DID HEINZ EVER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE MOCK ADS?

Heinz never commented and more to the point never sent over any money.

(6) DO YOU THINK TODAY'S STANDARD OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS HAS KILLED SOME ASPECTS OF COMEDY?

Political correctness, hmm. When I see and hear some of the gay characters I played in the sixties I'm deeply ashamed. But then some of them were with Graeme Chapman who later 'came out'. We had a lot of political correctness gone mad in the sixties, I mean we weren't even allowed to say 'dwarf' and Round The Horne did Snow White And The Seven Jockeys. The use of 'nigger' in our Black & White Beauty show still makes me laugh. The whole point was to shock. In the mid sixties I did a character who was extreme right wing and I was appalled that people started to agree with him so I dropped it.

(7) DO YOU THINK THE GOODIES WOULD BE INTERPRETED DIFFERENTLY TODAY BY ADULTS AND / OR CHILDREN?

Adults / children liking The Goodies? Assuming there's no prejudice I think it'd be the same today. The shows were written for adults originally (10:30 at night). Some of the technology might put some off, I suppose.

(8) WHERE DID THE TRANDEM COME FROM? WAS IT AS HARD TO STEER AS IT LOOKED?

I'm not quite sure about the origins of the trandem. Let Bill steer anything!

(9) WHO WAS YOUR FAVOURITE GUEST STAR, AND WHY?

Difficult to say favourite guest. Roy Kinnear always made us laugh. The guests got fewer and fewer when we realised they, the villains usually, had the best parts.

(10) WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE PROP / SET FROM THE GOODIES?

I always thought the mobile office was a pretty good prop, as was the giant Dougal.

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

LIPS, OR ALMIGHTY COD

First screened: 21st September 1976

A BBC news bulletin announces that the Eskimos are giving the British fishing industry the cold shoulder and have extended cod fishing limits south by another 2000 miles to around London. Tim is fishing in the Serpentine and enjoys a perfect day, but fails to notice the large white line drawn on the ground nearby. The radio broadcaster somehow warns Tim of trouble behind him and a boat with a large gun and harpoon on the deck appears. A strange chap in a fur coat angrily shouts out a load of gibberish (to which Tim replies by giving them the time and having another swipe at Chelsea!) and fires the gun, which blows a large fish out of the water and into a jar beside Tim. Another guy on the boat attempts to cut Tim's line with a knife, but only falls in the drink instead and several others do likewise when the boat goes out of control.

Meanwhile back at Dr Garden's fish farm, Bill protests about the cruel way which Graeme keeps his battery fish and also about the difficulties in cracking the fish eggs, not to mention stamping the little lions on them! After a frisky trout has splattered itself to kipper dimensions and Graeme's vicious little devil of a pike has overcome its shyness by trying to eat his arm (which Bill then attempts to amputate with an axe!), Tim returns with a frog that hops onto the floor, jar and all, (and is promptly squashed by Graeme!) and the news of the strange people he saw out on the lake. The description of them as red Indians or Chinese with slanty eyes and little floppy noses makes Bill think it's Liza Minelli (especially when the next clue is "fur coats"!), but Graeme's expert on-the-spot artistic sketch reveals that it's the Eskimos who have come to steal the British cod.

The Goodies fight a cod war against the Eskimos, but they get carried away and throw all of Graeme's cod at the retreating Greenlanders, which leaves Britain codless and Graeme in a very gloomy mood despite Bill's attempt at inflating a haddock and Tim's culinary skill in frying Gilbert the goldfish (which leads to Bill trying to cook up some Graemefingers, only for Graeme to wipe the batter off his hands with Bill's long hair!). However Bill's suggestion of going to Eskimoland to pinch one of their cod back is quickly acted upon and the Goodies form an MCC touring party to the North Pole, barter cricket gear to buy a portable hole in the ice, survive a customs check by using their cod as a cricket bat and return to Britain with their captured cod to a heroes' welcome

In nine short months, the cod has grown to a staggering size ("22 feet 9 3/4 centimetres!") and Tim is eager to handle the distribution of the cod fillets to everyone, but Graeme has spoiled the cod with treats, tricks and baby talk. He can't stand the thought of it being killed, especially when Bill enters with his apron on, sings about "slaughtering day down at the old fish farm" and carries a gun to humanely kill the cod with. There are huge drums of cooking oil and batter out on the pier just waiting for the 200 million fishfingers swimming around in the tank, but Graeme is most upset and takes his cod for walkies (to the bemusement of the ever-present Eskimos and a lady walking her dog) before he beds it down with pillows and hot water bottles, with Tim and Bill worried that he has turned it into a sissy.

In addition, the Goodies need to scare away the Eskimos and after less-than-successful ideas involving the use of Nicholas Parsons masks and reading from "101 useful phrases for scaring off unwanted Greenlanders" in their Eskimo phrase book, they attempt to annoy the fish in a bid to transform Graeme's camp cod into a fearless killer of the deep. After little success (but a lot of fun!) Bill and Tim decide to try to scare the Eskimos away themselves, so Bill warns them as Tim poses as a shark then a sea monster only to be found out each time and splashed with food, drink and water by the scornful Eskimos who then chase them into the lake.

Graeme also eventually gives up trying to annoy his fish and relaxes with a spot of soothing (?!) music from Max Bygraves on his gramophone, only to joyously discover that old Maxie is the secret trigger for making his fish thrash around furiously in their tanks. He throws a huge set of false teeth into the cod's tank (then spectacularly falls in himself!) as the piece-de-resistance and as Max endlessly croons 'Tulips From Amsterdam' from a gramophone on the pier, Graeme opens the gate and sends his killer cod out after the Eskimos. To his delight, the Eskimos are soon sent packing, but a casual glance reveals that Bill and Tim are in deep trouble, being circled by the enraged cod (to the appropriate 'Jaws' music in the background). Graeme tries to trap the cod in a huge net, but is bowled over, while Tim and Bill manage to scramble onto a Lenny Lion pedal boat and go like the clappers across the lake with the cod in hot pursuit.

Bill yells for Graeme to turn off the music, but Graeme trips on the pier and the cod also lands on the pier with a thump and devours Graeme's gramophone. Tim tries to lure the cod with a decoy and then whack it with a hammer, as Bill stands by holding a net, but the cod almost eats Tim before it dives again. Bill and Graeme try to catch it on an enormous fishing line, but they are pulled in and dragged across the lake before they finally manage to reel in the giant set of false teeth (which chomp Bill then chatter away menacingly nearby). Finally as an endless Max Bygraves record churns away inside its guts, the cod finishes it all and crashes heavily into the pier, as it tips over the drums of batter and oil and sends a burning light tumbling in as well. There is an almighty explosion, followed by a great shower of fishfingers which rain down on the Goodies and although Bill holds his hat over his heart in memory of their cod, they are all soon tucking into the fishfingers with a bit of help from the Eskimos.

* Graeme (about the Eskimos stealing British cod): "This means war!"

Tim: "But they've got a big gun!"

Bill (whining): "But they've got a big..."

Graeme: "Don't worry lads. We have COD on our side!"

* Bill (after Tim had cooked Gilbert the goldfish): "Tim, that ... that was my pet, wasn't it?" ... "I won him at the fair. It ... it took me two hundred and fifty ping pong balls."

Tim: "That's a lotta balls." Bill: "No, it's true!"

* Narrator (upon Goodies arrival back in England with their cod): "The nation's stomach may be empty, but cod willing, these boys are gonna fillet. You'd batter believe it! Cod save the Queen ... !"

* Graeme (horrified that Bill wants to kill his precious cod): "But you know him, he's like a ... , don't you feel anything?!"

Bill (removes hat and places it over his heart): "Yes, I do feel something. I feel hungry! Kill the cod! Kill the cod!"

* Graeme (about the Eskimo fishermen): "They're still out there. How are we going to scare them off?"

Bill: "Er ... Nicholas Parsons masks?!" (holds up mask)

Graeme (scornfully): "Nicholas Parsons masks don't scare any ... (catches sight of mask) AAARRRGGH!"

Tim (also startled): "Ohhhh! That might frighten us, but it won't work on the Eskimos. Our Nicholas is very big on Eskimo television. Does Whale Of The Century - they love him!"

Graeme (appalled): "Love him?! Good God, we're dealing with savages!!"

* Tim: "Perhaps we could frighten them by broadcasting messages to them in their own language. If only we had an Eskimo phrase book ... ah, here's one!"

* Bill (reading phrases to scare away unwanted Greenlanders): "Bloom flooten clinton gerton, organ de borgan skloot skloot!"

Tim (translating): "Hello sailor, I suppose I ..."

Graeme: "For goodness sake! We already have the perfect weapon. Two hundred tons of cod."

Tim: "What, that limp finned pansy?!"

Graeme: "All right, I admit. At the moment he is one of the less butch of our scaly brethren ... (turns to cod tank) ... YA GREAT POOF!!"

* Tim (trying to annoy goldfish): "You stupid fish. You're nothing but a fish, you fish! You're all the same, you rotten lousy fish. You're stupid, what are ya? You're stew-pid! When was the last time a fish was Prime Minister, hey? Name me one fish with a degree in economics and philosophy - just one! Has Prince Charles' name ever been romantically linked with a FISH?! Hmmm?!"

* Bill (waving a Nicholas Parsons mask at the goldfish tank): "Slime, slime, grease, grease! Slime, slime, patronise, patronise!!"

* Graeme (still trying to annoy fish): "All right. 1001 Ways To Make You Cross - chapter 38! (bellows into huge megaphone) Noel Gordon is TV Personality Of The Year. Again! The Radio Times is the biggest selling magazine in Europe (almost losing his voice!) TONY BLACKBURN! Oh dear, doesn't anything get you going?!"

* Graeme (overjoyed upon finally discovering the secret to annoying fish): "Of course! That's it! (smooch) Max Bygraves! Why didn't I think of it before!"

* The scenes at Dr Garden's Fish Farm while Tim is out fishing, including Bill complaining that it's ruddy murder trying to stamp the little lions on the fish eggs like one would do to chooky eggs, Graeme's trout getting locked up for being too frisky only to fly into the air and splatter into the ceiling then the floor ("put him in with the kippers - nobody will notice!") and Graeme trying to make friends with his shy and retiring pike only for it to swallow half his arm in return. Bill tries to remedy the situation by attempting to chop Graeme's arm off with an axe before eventually pulling the pike off and heaving it into another tank where there are chomping noises and a humungous deep burp for good measure.

* The 'Cod War' where Graeme flattens an Eskimo by belting him over the noggin with a cod and inspired by Bill, they throw dozens of cod at the retreating Eskimos to find that they have only succeeded in handing over the entire British cod population to the grateful cries of "Thenk you veddy merch!" from the Eskimos. This puts Graeme in such a foul mood that even Bill's excited attempt at blowing up a haddock with a bike pump to create a cod soon has the wind taken out of its sails by grumpy Graeme puncturing it with a pin.

* Subtle aspects of their trip to Greenland as MCC tourists, especially the time of 'midnight' written on the Eskimo's watch in broad daylight, the bucket of water 'in case of fire' and the use of bats and stumps as ski equipment. Also the scene where they are riding along the streets of London on the trandem triumphantly holding their codpiece high to the cheers of bemused onlookers (who must have been wondering what the hell was going on at the time!)

* Tim handling the distribution side of proceedings (including a nice piece of rump for Wales and the tail for Birdseye as a consolation prize!) while Graeme is far more interested in mollycodd-ling (sorry!) his precious Pisces with free range ants eggs, teaching it tricks like begging and catching and talking to it like a baby and doesn't care what Tim is on about until he finally twigs (and is clobbered by a ball thrown by the cod while being distracted). Also Bill's little ditty about "oh, slice him into fillets, chop him in two, I can't wait to hear him fry. Sizzle, sizzle, yummy, yummy, yummy,yum, here I come! Mr Cod, get ready to die!" and the obvious amount of pleasure he was getting from waving his 'humane killer' around!

* Graeme taking "Brian" the cod for walkies along the edge of the water, getting it to fetch a stick and patting the water near its head, much to the bemusement of a lady walking her dog nearby who rightly thinks he's a raving loony. Also the cod pulling on the leash to stop at a lamppost way out in the water, with an Eskimo watching Graeme from his boat and remarking "Look at the nutter!"

* The various scenes at the fish farm where the Goodies are trying to figure out how to scare off the Eskimos, firstly with Nicholas Parsons masks (which only succeeds in scaring themselves senseless) and quotes from a very conveniently located Eskimo phrase book, including gems like "Go home, your igloo is on fire!" and "This cold weather has rendered my brass monkey incomplete!" Also all of the scenes involving their attempts to annoy fish, especially Bill's admission that he once crossed a frog with a loony and got "hopping mad!", Graeme getting attacked by his piranhas then his eel (which jumps out of the tank and wrestles him to the floor), Tim's insulting of a goldfishes low intelligence, Bill terrorising a fish tank with a Nicholas Parsons mask and finally Graeme's loony scientist glee when he discovers that a Max Bygraves record is what really makes his camp cod cut up rough!

* All of the scenes where the killer cod (complete with a giant set of false choppers) is on the loose with Max Bygraves music from Graeme's gramophone stirring it up, especially the grand finale where the cod crashes into the pier, upending the drums of oil and batter and toppling a broken light which detonates an enormous explosion and shower of fishfingers which are eagerly snapped up by the Goodies and the Eskimos.

Tulips From Amsterdam (Barry Cryer)

A most enjoyable episode and one of my personal favourites, with heaps of humourous scenes, memorably funny quotes, plenty of falls and animations from Graeme the loony fish breeder, lots of Nicholas Parsons and Max Bygraves bashing (with Tony Blackburn not being spared either!) and one of the best final scenes of the entire show. What more could a Goodies fan ask for?!

BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:

IIII - Officially amazing.

III - Goody goody yum yum.

II - Fair-y punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

April Episode Summary – Hype Pressure

5. GOODIES COR COMICS SYNOPSIS #16

21 April, 1973 No. 39

One interesting aspect of the comics which appeared weekly in Cor!! was they often corresponded time-wise with the real world. Because issues were planned ahead, special issues could be released for specific holidays, such as Easter and Christmas. In those issues most of the comics would revolve around that particular holiday.

But there was a subtler correspondence between time and the comics, including those featuring the Goodies. Issues which came out in winter showed the Goodies dressed warmly and partaking in cold weather activities and situations while the summer issues featured more instances of the Goodies at the beach and suffering from too much heat.

This very quiet enhancement of the comics relating to the seasons must have added a very nice connection to the Cor!! comic for readers. The issue we'll be reviewing this month is from Cor!!'s special Easter Issue for 1973.

Header: THE GOODIES GET IN THE RUNNING FOR FUN AT AN EASTER SPORTS!

A government official is interrupting the Goodies' breakfast, explaining his predicament as the trio attempt to crack open hard boiled eggs ... Graeme pounding his with a hammer, Tim working on his with a hand drill and Bill hopelessly mangling his spoon while pounding in his.

OFFICIAL: The groundsmen haven't prepared the stadium for our International Easter Sports! You Goodies will have to get cracking!

BILL: That's what we're *trying* to do!

The Goodies are riding their trandem around the track of the stadium. Bill sits backwards on the back seat and drips white paint from a can onto the back tyre of the bike which creates a painted white line on the track in their wake. The official watches from the inside field.

BILL: This is a great way to mark out the track without 'tyre-ing' ourselves!