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THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE

THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB

Issue No. 92 12th August 2003

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'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER

- Justan, Brian Labza, Mark Longmuir

1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you

2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

3. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.

4. FROM THE GOODIES BOOKS – Metropolitan Police vs The Goodies

5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY – It Might As Well Be String

6. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #20

7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS

(by "Magnus Magnesium")

QUOTE: "Wanted ... third Goodie to share. Grotty little hairy frustrated pop stars need not apply."

(a) Which Goodie says this quote?

(b) Name any two of the supposed applicants for this vacancy.

QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode: "Bunfight At The OK Tea Rooms"

(d) What is a destitute Tim forced to mend his hanky with?

(e) Which catchy song is the backing music for their search for gold?

(f) Which three valuable commodities do they find instead?

(g) Complete this cream-related pun: "So if you don't want to be a clot ..."

(h) Name the characters that the three Goodies become in the final "bunfight"

The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

(by David Piper-Balston)

The Australian release of "The Goodies At Last" DVD will be the same as the UK release however it will not be a Network Video release. The reasons are complicated but the end result is the same materials are being used.

As for the second DVD, sadly it looks like it won't be released in time for Christmas due to various clearances, permissions etc. The only confirmed episode is 'Radio Goodies'.

Just a short note about the new Goodies DVD. It is available at Minotaur bookstore in Russell St., Melbourne. RRP is $91 It is for Region 0.

3. 2001 AND A BIT

If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website),as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.

BILL AND GRAEME SPOTTINGS

* An episode of "Bill Oddie's Best of British..." will be shown on BBC 2 Scotland on Thursday 7th August from 20:00 to 20:30. Here's the listing: "(In the Countryside) Bill Oddie picks out highlights from six years of his wildlife series. He sees barn owls in Norfolk, a pine marten with a sweet tooth, and badgers living in the Somerset wetlands."

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - August 4th)

* The Goodies are not on pay-TV in Australia at the moment, but UK-TV here are playing the various 1970's Doctor TV shows (Doctor in the House etc), at 5.00 PM weekdays, starting 31 July 2003.

Many of the episodes are written by BO and GG as a team, with most others written by John Cleese and Graham Chapman. It is interesting, as GG originally studied medicine, to see how these things evolved and the inspiration for the Hospital For Hire episode of series 4 of The Goodies. The Goodies episode is more manic and surreal in style than the more traditional sitcom style of the Doctor shows.

For those interested, an early episode of Doctor in the House actually starred a young GG as a TV reporter doing an expose on medical students at St Swithin's, however I am unsure of its air date or title, perhaps someone else knows? It would have been made around the same time as Beefeaters/Venom, to give you an idea of his appearance.

Another interesting facet of the Doctor programs is that about two series later, in Doctor At Large, is the episode written by John Cleese that formed the inspiration for Fawlty Towers and effectively was a Fawlty Towers pilot episode (the doctors stay at a Torquay hotel run by hen pecked hotelier, inspired by a real event experienced by John Cleese earlier that year). Again, I can't recall the title but expect it to also play in upcoming weeks.

(Brian Labza - Goodies-l - August 6th)

* The BBC2 comedy show Dead Ringers have added an Bill to their repertoire of impersonated celebrities. In a parody of "Bill Oddie Goes Wild" (Dead Ringers - 29/07/03) we saw the fake Bill looking through discarded rubbish in British woodland. Hilarious.

The impersonator really hasn't perfected Bill's voice yet and it's not one of their best efforts, sad to say!

In another hilarious 'Dead Ringers' Sketch airing yesterday (5/8/03) the impersonation of Bill Oddie moaned on about the fact that the BBC don't repeat the Goodies and revealed that he actually hates birds.

I remember the real Bill giving an interview where he did exactly the same thing, talk about art imitating life. :-)

The impression still has a way to go but the joke was funnier than last week :) I guess it'll be repeated next Sunday as usual.

From memory it went something like:

"Look... I really don't like birds. I'm only doing this bloody show because the BBC refuse to show the Goodies! All I'm asking is a few repeats on UK Gold! I can't stand bloody birds! I hate birds, I hate badgers, I hate..." (he starts crazily attacking a nearby bush) Title caption comes up for "Bill Oddie Goes Wild"

(from information by David Piper-Balston and Mark Longmuir - Goodies-l - July 29th and August 4th)

* Tim Brooke-Taylor's appearance in the "One Foot in the Grave" episode entitled "Endgame" will be aired on UK Gold on Wednesday 6th August from 22:30 to 23:55. It will also be shown on UK Gold Plus 1 from 23:30 to 00:55 that same day. (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - August 4th)

* "Golf Clubs with Tim Brooke-Taylor" is being aired on Discovery Home & Leisure and Discovery Home & Leisure Plus 1 daily for at least the next several weeks. As there are far too many showing to list here please check your local listings for times and episode information.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - August 4th)

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE

* Episodes of "Hello Cheeky", the 1970's radio comedy show starring Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer and John Junkin, will air on BBC7 Sunday, 20 July, at 20:00 and again on 27 July at 20:00. It can be heard on-line at www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7 Additional episodes will air on BBC7 for the next eight weeks.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l- July 17th and 24th)

* Here are the dates and locations for recordings of the next series of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" (with Tim and Graeme).

Monday, 20th October at the Theatre Royal in Winchester. Tickets are £12.50 and £10. (It's a small theatre so tickets will go fast.) The box office number is: 01962 840440

Sunday, 16th November at the Devonshire Park Theatre in Eastbourne. Tickets are £10, £8.50, £7 and £5. The box office number is: 01323 412000 (It is possible that this show is not in the theatre's ticket system yet)

Sunday, November 30th at the Grand Theatre and Opera House in Leeds. Tickets are £8.50, £7.50 and £6.50. The telephone number for the box office is: 0113 222 6222.

4. FROM THE GOODIES BOOKS

This month's book extract is from "The Goodies File (1974) and is the first part of the transcript from the court case of the Metropolitan Police versus "The so-called clever-dick Goodies", brought about by the Goodies' former "good-for-nothing old ratbag" housekeeper, Mrs Edna Tole.

It was a nice sunny morning when we all assembled in Number One Court. We watched Rod Laver beat Ken Rosewall in straight sets. Then we all moved to Number Two Court to get on with the case of THE METROPOLITAN POLICE V THE GOODIES. The judge was our very old friend Justice Once. At first he seemed overcome by the seriousness of the matter before him, and he was broody and silent. He then fell off his chair and was discovered to be, in fact, dead. A doctor confirmed that Justice Once had been in this condition for several months, but saw no reason why he should not continue with his duties. There was, however, an objection from the substitute bench, and the corpse was replaced by the first Pygmy Judge to sit on the Queens Bench (most of them are too little to reach). His name was Justice Ongat Wilite (laughter in court). The judge banged his gavel but the doctor applied a soothing ointment and he then introduced the case.

He explained that charges were to be brought against THE GOODIES by P.C.BENT of the Metropolitan Police. The police case was to be conducted by the firm of BOOTS, BOOTS, BOOTS, BOOTS, MARCHINUP AND DOWNAGAIN (Solicitors). However Mr. Boots was indisposed and had arranged that his place should be taken by Mr. Boots. Mr Boots was, alas, rather nervous and was throwing up in the loo, and it was, therefore, agreed that Mr. Boots should deputise, until it was discovered that he was on holiday. The fourth Mr. Boots was apparently a typist's error, and Marchinup and Downagain were merely a silly joke thought up by the first Mr. Boots. The prosecution was eventually conducted by MR. IZZY BENT Q.C. (former theatrical agent, and no relation to P.C.BENT).

THE GOODIES asked for Legal Aid, but were told that it was all gone, and they had to make do with Lemon Aid. They elected to conduct their own defence, for reasons of poverty.

THE JURY were then selected, and consisted of MR. NATHANIEL BENT (CHAIRMAN), JEREMY AND ALOYSIUS BENT, THE BENT TWINS, COLONEL ARTHUR BENT, THE REVEREND PHYLLIS BENT AND THE FIVE "TUMBLING" BENT BROTHERS. (All no relations).

Each member of the Jury raised his right hand, and they were all allowed to leave the room.

MR. IZZY BENT (PROSECUTION) was then asked to name the charges brought against the "so-called self-styled clever-dick Goodies. MR.BENT consulted his client (MR. BENT). He then told the court that he couldn't really think of anything off hand, but he was fairly sure that THE GOODIES were likely to do something extremely naughty any minute. He appealed to the Judge to bring back hanging.

The Judge declared that he would adjourn the hearing for two days to give MR. BENT time to think up some really damning charges. He also appealed to the Jury to help MR. BENT to think up something; and he appealed to THE GOODIES to do something criminal, which would, he said, make the case a lot easier.

This morning began with MR.BENT (PROSECUTING) bringing the following charges against THE GOODIES:

1: That they did issue a libellous statement against one MRS. E. TOLE, to wit; that: "This woman is a good for nothing old ratbag."

2: They did it again.

3: They might well do it yet again.

4: They are directly responsible for the rising cost of petrol.

5: They are directly responsible for the rising cost of everything else.

6: They masterminded the Watergate cover up.

7: They persuaded the BBC to do a second series of "FROST'S WEEKLY" (boos in court)

8: They started the French Revolution

9: They discovered America.

The Judge reminded MR. BENT that all these allegations must be proved BEYOND ALL REASONABLE DOUBT. After consulting his client, MR. BENT decided to withdraw the last six charges.

THE GOODIES pleaded GUILTY to the charges of libel, repeated libel and intended repeated libel, but claimed it was FAIR COMMENT.

MR. BROOKE-TAYLOR assured the court that he would call many witnesses to who would testify to the good name of THE GOODIES. These would include SHEIK AHMED EL FATA, MR. EDWARD HEATH, MR. RICHARD NIXON, MR. DAVID FROST, CARDINAL RICHELIEU and CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.

At this point the Judge asked THE GOODIES if they had a criminal record. They replied (not surprisingly) that they indeed posessed an LP of LITTLE JIMMY OSMOND. It was played. MR. OSMOND was sentenced to ten years hard labour (ON THE MAX BYGRAVES SHOW).

5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

IT MIGHT AS WELL BE STRING

First screened: 19th October 1976

The episode starts with advertisements screened for Low Suds Mold washing powder ("Use Low Suds Mold or we send the boys round!") and Captain Fishface's cod pieces ("Captain Fishface has your children. If you want them back, send 2000 wrappers!"), but Tim loudly declares that enough is enough. The Goodies have set up their own advertising agency (with them all being sharply dressed and known by their initials) and TBT is annoyed that he has twerps like BO and GG making despicable ads instead of following the advertising man's traditional code of practice - telling lies!

BO and GG inform TBT that their advertising agency is the biggest in the world because their expert market research has revealed that the lowest class of consumers (the housewives - bless their little cotton sox!) have stopped believing sales pitches and therefore have to be bullied and tricked into buying things - a perfectly reasonable approach! TBT begs to differ though and insists on ads with a new miracle ingredient ... truth (gasp!)

A series of honest new advertisements are produced, but the ads are so truthful about the horrible products (like Vibena blackcurrant juice and Nosho dog food) that sales figures plummet to zero, much to GG and BO's disgust. TBT re-enters the room as a dirty, scruffy, smelly slob, having gone back to basics by snubbing all sorts of modern advertising fads (like soap and toilet paper!), and won't let them advertise even one basic product like bread ("too racy!") or water ("ooh no, far too sexy!"), before he finally agrees to an ad campaign for "good old honest string".

Ads are produced which show the great lover Casanova not responding to a maiden's charms until she extracts a piece of string from her ample cleavage (with them being at it like knives behind the bushes in no time afterwards!) and Tim as a white suited, cocktail sipping smoothie who puffs (and splutters) away on a lighted piece of string offered to him by a bikini clad girl who frolicks on the edge of the beach. Meanwhile Tim congratulates himself with all sorts of praise for popularising string (at least until his inspiring speech is rudely interrupted by 'Hello Cheeky' on tv!), but Graeme and Bill take little notice of his bragging, mainly because they have left two lookalike dummies behind in their place while they're up to no good!

Tim tunes into 'Tomorrow's World', in which the presenter (clad in just a string vest and string undies) showcases string's many uses; for example as a substitute for conventional electrical wiring ("safer and cheaper because it doesn't work!"). This is followed by 'The Wonderful World Of String' in which it is revealed that Britain is already suffering a string shortage, as the local production (granny Graeme and his knitting needles!) is in its infancy. String needs to be imported and Arab string sheiks busily unravel thousand year old carpets (and do hilariously stupid line dances in the process!), before the string is piped across the desert and processed in the huge string refineries of Southern Europe to remove the foot odour, camel wee, belly dancer's sweat and other unpleasant stains from it!

The string shortage worsens as the Arab string sheiks (who look rather suspiciously like GG and BO) horde the string in huge piles in the desert and demand outrageous prices for it, though Tim's assertion that they are evil criminals only draws a recorded "Yes Tim!", "Most certainly!" from the dummies. Tim finally realises that he's been duped and races to the studio, only to turn the light on and find that the Arabs are cardboard cutouts. Once the lights are out, the cutouts come to life again and two black clad, gibberish-spouting figures flee from the BBC into the ATV studios with Tim in hot pursuit.

Graeme and Bill sing the catchy 'Everybody Loves String' song and Tim tries to stop them by pushing their screens out of the way (and he eventually sends Graeme hurtling sideways into a big tub of soft margarine). Tim also comes across the Heanz Meanz String boy (played by himself) and splatters a plate of baked beans into the kid's face before going after a chuckling Bill, who enters a bedroom and sprays Tim with a blast of Kung Poo after shave. Tim goes kung fu crazy, but meets his match when a tall amorous lady bursts in and starts to chase after him. He eventually puckers up for a kiss, only for her to flatten him (with a karate kombo that Bruce Lee would have been proud of!) and the stars that he sees give way to reveal a giant can of Deluxe Paint

Graeme gives Tim some cheek and they both run around and around the can before Graeme disappears through a door in the side of the can. Tim opens the door only to be swamped by a deluge of red paint and Bill leaps down a hillside and presents Tim with a gold chocolate box that explodes, which leaves Tim looking like a black Einstein. Bill (the dumpy housewife) then leads the blackened Tim to a washing machine, where a white coated Graeme proudly shows off the cleaning power of Bubble X. A full box of Bubble X produces an overwhelming cascade of soap suds, which engulf the Goodies, pour out the ATV studio windows and foam up everyone's tv set. A thumped fist on one tv sees the screen break and a whole room fill up with soap suds before the suds are wiped away to reveal the Goodies who watch the credits roll on their tv (back to front for us) and comment that they don't understand the surrealism ("s'what?" ..."s'a load of rubbish!"), until Jim Franklin's name appears. They comment that he's probably trying to win a prize and they turn off the tv, remarking that he won't!

* Graeme: "Now as you know, our potential market is divided into certain social classes according to income, intelligence, that sort of thing. These we call classes A, B, C and D. That's D for dumb, C for clever, B for brilliant and A ... for Advertising Men!"

* Bill: "Harvest Moon, the scent that lingers. Buy some ... or I'll break your fingers!"

* Bill (commenting on Betty Robbins in Kenny Cornflakes): "She's a wonderful Mum."

Graeme: "And a terrific lay!"

* Tim: "Look at this. Nine out of every ten doctors agree that people who don't eat Sunbeam sliced bread will get squashed by elephants!"

Graeme: "That's right. Mind you, it did take us a long time to find the right nine doctors, woo hoo hoo (makes loony signal) ... and the elephants!"

* Tim: "From today BO, GG, ... save time ... call you BOGG!"

* Bill: "All that namby pamby truth nonsense. I mean that's no good to the housewives ..."

Graeme: "Bless 'em!"

Bill: "Bless 'em, bless 'em, silly old cows!"

* Tim (about water being far too sexy): "Yes, mention water and what's the first thing that springs to mind, hey? A nubile young nymphette in a wet shirt, the damp, almost transparent fabric clinging to her every contour, rivulets of water trickling down her sensuous form! (composes himself) At least that's what springs to my mind!"

* Tim (about his idea of advertising string): "Any fool could see that. And I did!"

* Narrator (about string): "At this stage it's fairly unpleasant stuff, coming as it does from dirty old Arab carpets trodden on by dirty old Arabs and their smelly socks all soaked in camel wee and hair oil and soggy bits of half chewed turkey's liver and belly dancer's sweat ..." (causing factory worker Bill to throw up heartily into the string vat!)

* The two mock ads that kick off the show, especially a white lab coated Bill slapping an old dear in the face, upending her kitchen table and belting her over the head with a packet of washing powder when she refuses to use Low Suds Mold instead of her regular detergent and Graeme as the appropriately named Captain Fishface kidnapping children and threatening to put them in his rissoles if their parents don't send in 2000 wrappers from his cod pieces!

* The three Goodies in slick suits with striped shirts as the super smooth advertising men TBT, GG and the unfortunately initialled BO giving a superb parody of the greed and power involved in the advertising world, especially GG and BO departing from the advertising man's traditional code of practice (telling lies!) to produce ads which bully the class 'D for dumb' consumers (the housewives, bless 'em, bless 'em!) into buying their products, until TBT suggests a new miracle advertising ingredient - truth!

* The truthful ads showing Janice Thromby and her little girl with increasingly rotting teeth thanks to their craving for the sticky sweet blackcurrant juice Vibena, Jock McPhee's champion dog eventually eating Nosho after the tasty choice of nails, broken glass and manure, then snuffing it shortly afterwards and Mr Rudyard having no idea of the recipe for his almond regency slices because he's got a ruddy great factory that takes care of all that!

* Bill and Graeme subtly enquiring if each other has bad B.O. or has blown off until Tim enters looking like Rod Stewart would after mucking out Basil Brush and announces that he has forsaken all sorts of modern gimmicks such as nice clothes, toilet paper, deodorant etc, with GG and BO trying to flog all sorts of healthcare products to him in his time of need (just as any self-respecting advertising men would!)

* GG and BO's attempts to find one reputable product to advertise that TBT doesn't object to, especially GG launching into a big spiel about bread before struggling to come up with "Bread is ... nice!" only for TBT to dismiss it as "Too racy!" and TBT's hilarious rant about water being far too sexy, with later mentions of water sending him bellowing on about "Chappell hat pegs!" and "Jelly on a plate!"

* Tim lavishly praising himself about his ingenious string ad campaign ("A million housewives every day, pick up a piece of string and say, God bless Tim Brooke Taylor!") while not realising that Graeme and Bill have left dummies sitting there listening to Tim's spiel (and replying "Yes Tim!", "Most certainly!"), while the real GG and BO are making huge profits as string-hoarding Arab baddies.

* All of the brilliant final chase scene, which is described in greater detail in the plot section and the last bit where the Goodies are watching their own show in a surreal twist, with the credits rolling backwards for us and them commenting that they didn't understand any of it!

Raymond Baxter, Marcelle Sammett, Valerie Leon

Everybody Loves String

String, string, string, string, everybody loves string

String, string, string, string, everybody needs string

Pull up your pants, slip on your vest

Everyone agrees, string is best!

Low Suds Mold, Captain Fishface Cod Pieces, OLIPD, Are You Getting Enough? (Margaret Thatcher), Harvest Moon Perfume, Kenny Cornflakes, Sunbeam Sliced Bread, Vibena Blackcurrant Juice, Nosho Dog Food, Rudyard's Almond Regency Slices, String (Refreshes Casanova), String (Cigarettes), Heanz Meanz String, Kung Poo Aftershave, Deluxe Paint, Exploding Chocolates, Bubble X Soap Powder

Brilliant sendup of the greedy, scheming advertising industry with some of the funniest mock ads ever made, heaps of great quotes and visuals, infectious music and the superbly surreal final chase scene all combining to produce one of the truly great Goodies episodes.

BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:

IIII - Officially amazing.

III - Goody goody yum yum.

II - Fair-y punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

September Episode Summary –

6. GOODIES COR COMICS SYNOPSIS #20

The Goodies tackled the subject of advertising and sales on several of their television episodes ... one will forever appreciate the many wonderful uses for string after hearing their unforgettable jingle for the product, not to mention their old-fashioned Medicine Show sales style and even their radio sales pitch for a new postal service (backed up by the repeated playing of A Walk in the Black Forest). Snooze, political candidates, animal psychotherapy ... you name it, they've sold it! Some of those unique and inspired sales techniques might have come in very handy in this month's Cor!! comic entry, which sees the plucky trio trying the more common door-to-door sales routine.

Header: THE GOODIES TRY TO MAKE A CLEAN SWEEP OF THINGS AS BROOM SALESMEN!

The Goodies are relaxing in their office (Bill is even sleeping in a chair in the foreground) when a man dashes in through the front door and literally hurls an armful of broomsticks toward them.

MAN: You say you do anything anytime! Well, try selling these brooms! I'm tired of trying!

TIM: Bet we can't fail as door-to-door Goodies!

The Goodies set out on their trandem, Tim and Graeme each holding a broom in their right hands (while steering with their left) and Bill struggling to hang on to the rest as they approach a quaint looking cottage (a large apartment complex sits in the background).

BILL: This looks the sort of place to sell old-fashioned brooms! Leave it to me!

TIM: Huh! Fifty houses - fifty "No thank you's" so far!

Bill approaches the front door and speaks to a very haggard, old woman, trying to sell her a broom. (He apparently doesn't pick up on the fact there is a bat peering over the door at him, a cat looking up from the feet of the woman and an ominous skull knocker on the door).

BILL: Every broom has the Goodie - *guarantee*, honest!

WITCH: H'mm, I'd like to try it out first!

The witch (complete with pointy hat and goggles) takes off on the broom, soaring skyward. The Goodies are sprawled on the ground below, having either ducked her takeoff or been knocked off their feet. A bird sitting on a nest on top of the witch's chimney looks startled at the sight of the witch and her cat sailing high on the broomstick.

WITCH: I'll give it a test flight!

TIM: Yikes! Trust Bill to pick on a witch's cottage!

The witch is suddenly sent flying to the ground when the bristles of the broom come loose with a *SNAP!* She crashes at the feet of the Goodies and her cat takes off running.

WITCH: Pshaw! Faulty workmanship! My downfall will be yours, too!

BILL: Ooer! What can she mean by that?

The witch consults an issue of Witch Magazine as she points in Bill's direction. Fearing the worst, Bill dives headfirst into a nearby hedge as Tim and Graeme watch from behind a gate post.

BILL: Crumbs, this *spells* trouble! I'm hiding in the hedge! Hope she doesn't find me!

WITCH: By eye of toad, and tail of jet ... !

Having finished her spell, the witch storms back into her cottage. Tim and Graeme look to where Bill disappeared and are surprised to find only a cat (they apparently don't recognize it as the witch's cat).

TIM: Eek! She's turned a Goodie into a *moggy*!

GRAEME: Come on, Bill, I'll carry you back to the office and get you a saucer of cream!

Bill leaps out of the hedge where he's been hiding and into Graeme's arms (the cat takes off running again).

BILL: Oo, thanks, Graeme, I am feeling rather tired!

GRAEME: Aargh! So you're still your own stupid self!

Once again the Goodies mount their trandem (this time Bill's handling *all* the brooms) and they ride down a hill toward the river where there are several houses (not to mention a fisherman being pulled into the river by a large fish while a sailboat sinks and another seems to be crashing into the bridge they are about to cross).

BILL: Huh, catty lot making me carry all the brooms!

TIM: We'll try our sales patter down by the river - the houses there have big lawns to keep clear of leaves!

Tim confidently approaches one of the houses (which bears the words Mon Repos on a post out front ... best as I can translate it this means restful peace or my rest).

TIM: We need the *hard sell* approach! Leave it to me, this time!

Tim sticks his foot in the door, much to the aggravation of the very big, mean-looking man who has answered from within.

HOMEOWNER: Get your foot out of the door!

TIM: Let me tell you about this *broom* - it has all *sorts* of uses!

The man reaches out to take the broom from Tim, who is sure he's made a sale.

HOMEOWNER: Is that so? Let's have it here then!

TIM: (thinking) Success!

The man jams the broom handle down on Tim's foot full force, causing Tim to scream in pain. Bill and Graeme watch from the sidewalk with some amusement.

HOMEOWNER: Let's see how good it is at getting rid of pesky salesmen!

The Goodies slink away alongside the river (Tim's foot now in a cast) as they look for their next prospect. As they pass one dock, a man in front of a Boat Hire business (5p for one half hour) is tossing an old broken paddle boat out the door.

BOAT HIRE MAN: This paddle boat isn't worth repairing - I'll throw it out for the junk men!

GRAEME: We'll never sell this lot - we keep getting the brush off!

BILL: H'mm, I've an idea!

The boat hire man becomes livid when he sees the Goodies down river selling rides in his old paddle boat for 3p a paddle, having attached the brooms to the wheels to act as new paddles for the boat ("The Latest in Paddle Boats" their sign boasts). A queue of customers are lined up waiting for a chance to ride. Tim and Bill are the only ones nervously aware of the fact that the boat hire man is coming after them with a very large sword!

GRAEME: Yippee - we're getting all the boatman's extra customers!

Back at their office, The Goodies gloat over the money they have made, each holding a handful of cash. The doorbell rings and Bill goes to answer it.

GRAEME: What a *sweeping* success! Every brush used and we've cash in hand!

BILL: I'll see who's at the door!

When Bill comes back, Tim and Graeme are flabbergasted to see he's carrying another huge armful of brooms (even though a vacuum cleaner sits quite obviously to one side).

BILL: Er ... pals ... it was a *salesman*! A-and I s-seem to have bought these!

Tim and Graeme chase Bill out of the office, clubbing him with the brooms.

TIM: This is one use we never thought of!

BILL: Yelp! What a dust-up!

Sign-Off Line: Our T.V. Chuckle Champs Return In Another Adventure Next Week!

RATING (using the BLACK PUDDING RATING SYSTEM):

III - II - Fair-y punkmother.

Sad to say this is a pretty poor outing for this comic series. There are no really boffo jokes, the entire premise is fairly weak and even the artwork lacks much imagination. Some of it is just downright baffling ... in the panel when the witch crashes to the ground a car is speeding up and a man is hanging out the window with something in his hand. I can only guess that maybe he's delivering the Witch Magazine the witch is reading in the next panel, but honestly I just can't figure out what he's doing (or if it's just an exceptionally long rear view mirror!).

Likewise in the panel when the Goodies approach the river there's something going on with the fisherman, a sailboat and what looks like a fish but could also be a man falling overboard. The second sailboat that's apparently crashed into the bridge is hardly noticeable at all. This artwork is just not up to par with previous strips. Even the lettering seems a bit more static and uninteresting. And it's never very clear why the witch storms back into her house after only saying one line of her spell. Are we to assume she finished it, or did she just quit midway, sparing Bill her wrath?

Also lacking from this episode are many good puns or wordplay ... there are a few attempts at such humor but it just doesn't hit home, and some bits of dialogue are flat and basically describe what's happening in the panel without adding anything or attempting to be funny. Even the set up of the man throwing his brooms at them to sell isn't the most interesting predicament to put them in. Spared a "Tripe on t' pikelets" rating only by some cute business with Bill carrying all the brooms, some spot on drawings of Tim being characteristically cocky and a frog which witnesses the witch's spell on Bill and hops away, only to have Tim and Graeme assume Bill's been turned into the *cat* (obviously the frog would have been the more cliched choice, a very subtle joke) this one is sadly a disappointment.

To view these strips online, you can visit this page:

http://members.aol.com/corcomics

We'll post the currently reviewed issue plus the two previous issues for latecomers.

7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS

(a) Tim Brooke-Taylor

(b) Any two of Nicholas Parsons, Roger Moore, Prince Charles, the "ruddy Band Of The Coldstream Guards" ... and anyone else that I've forgotten!

(d) An old pair of trousers

(e) Working The Line

(f) Cream, strawberry jam and scones (scOnes!)

(g) "Whip on down there!"

(h) Greedy Graeme, Wild Bill Oddie and Texas Tim