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THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE

THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB

Issue No. 93 14th September 2003

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'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER

David Geer, Raymond, Sarah Lacon, Jess Green, Mark Turrell, Vicky Booker, Daniel Bowen, Liz, Garry Johnstone, Peter Wearden, Muttley, Fiona Campbell, Ken Taylor

1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you

2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

3. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY – 2001 And A Bit

5. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #21

6. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS

(by "Magnus Magnesium")

QUOTE: "She is Horsewoman Of The Year - more horse than woman, but then ... looks aren't everything and in her case they're nothing."

(a) Which Goodie says this quote?

(b) Who is he referring to?

QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode: "The Music Lovers" (aka The Stolen Musicians)

(d) How do the Goodies attempt to find out who has been stealing all of the famous musicians?

(e) What is the name of the Goodies' band when they stage their non-stop open air concert?

(f) How does Tim try to trick the Music Master into revealing his true identity?

(g) Which Julie Andrews album of "sure fire hits" did the Music Master produce?

(h) What dire punishment are the Goodies threatened with when they can't produce a hit record?

The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

GOODIES DVD AUSTRALIAN RELEASE

(by Lisa Manekofsky)

The long-awaited Australian edition of the first Goodies DVD was released on 1st September under the title "The Goodies – 8 Delicious Episodes". As was reported by David Piper-Balston in last month's edition of the C&G, Roadshow Entertainment of Australia was able to license the content of the UK DVDs that Network Video released this past April under the title "The Goodies – At Last!". This allowed Roadshow to use Network's remastered versions of eight classic Goodies episodes plus all their bonus material. Indeed, the contents of the discs appear to be identical (even using the same menus), other than the fact that Network's logo was removed for the Australian release. The full list of episodes on both sets are "Tower of London", "Gender Education", "Kitten Kong (Montreux '72 Special)", "The Goodies and the Beanstalk", "Kung Fu Kapers", "Lighthouse Keeping Loonies", "Earthanasia", and "Saturday Night Grease".

There had been some concern about the fact that the bonus materials listed for "8 Delicious Episodes" prior to the DVD's release said "Goodies Commentaries [on] Episode 3", instead of "Episodes 3, 4, and 6" (as was the case for the UK release). As we suspected, this information was erroneous; "8 Delicious Episodes" does have commentary from Tim, Graeme and Bill for "Kitten Kong", "The Goodies and the Beanstalk", and "Lighthouse Keeping Loonies".

The contents of the DVD set were discussed in great detail in Clarion & Globe issue 89 (dated 15 May 2003); this issue (as well as most other past issues) can be found on the club's website at http://www.goodiesruleok.com/cag.php.

While the contents of the Australian and UK DVDs are the same, the packaging is different. Roadshow reused many of the same photos and portions of the episode synopses from the UK set but the artwork of the Australian set is significantly different. Once nice touch is the use of a bicycle wheel (or should I say trandem wheel) design as a background image on the DVD labels. I also noticed an "ABC DVD" logo on the back cover, which explains their heavy promotion of the set (described below).

Thanks to our club members, we can pass along the following news items about the debut of the Australian set:

Liz reported on the Goodies Rule – OK! (GROK) forums on 29 August "[the Goodies DVD] is advertised in the ABC's Father's Day catalogue." [note to international readers – Australia's Father's Day was on 7th September] On 10 Sept. she posted "The ABC Shop in Chermside, Brisbane is seeking to borrow Goodies Merchandise/Memorabilia for its DVD promotion mid-September. Any keen fan should lend their stuff to spread the word. It looks promising that the ABC Shop are keen to promote!"

On 2nd September it was reported on our goodies-l mailing list that the Goodies DVD was at the top of the "Hottest Selling Items" list at Planet DVD <http://www.planetdvd.com.au/> ).

Also from goodies-l:

Daniel Bowen reported on 3rd September that the ABC Shop was advertising the DVD on ABC TV.

Also on 3rd September, Garry Johnstone said, "I also saw a poster ad for the DVD on the back of a bus in Melbourne yesterday, seems to be getting promoted quite well."

Later that same day, Peter (aka weirdone) reported, "The Australian version is even being advertised in the latest K-Mart catalogue."

On 5th September, Daniel Bowen wrote in to say, "The ABC has a printed catalogue out, and judging from what they showed on the TV ad, it's on the front cover of it. They also list it as their number 1 seller on the web site at the moment: http://www.abcshop.com.au"

Muttley reported on 6th September, "A work colleague tried to buy a copy of the DVD from her local K Mart, on the day of release, but they had already sold out. I repeat, on the day of release! While she was unhappy about having to wait for the next shipment, I thought it was a great indication of demand outstripping general expectations."

Thanks to everyone for their contributions – and keep them coming! For new members to the club, I'll point out that you can find the GROK forums at http://www.goodiesruleok.com/forum.php and information on joining the goodies-l mailing list towards the bottom of the page at http://www.goodiesruleok.com/faq.php?topic=4. Contributions can also be sent directly to the newsletter at clarion@goodiesruleok.com.

In conclusion, I'll mention that as of the time I'm compiling this article, which is the morning of 13th September, "The Goodies – 8 Delicious Episodes" is still listed as #1 on the ABC Shop's Best Sellers list. In addition, the set is prominently featured on their website (http://www.abcshop.com.au)

WHERE TO GET YOUR COPY OF THE GOODIES DVD

Here are a few more places where you can get your hot little hands on a copy of "The Goodies – 8 Delicious Episodes", with many thanks to the various club members who have contacted us via Goodies-l and the C&G "pirate post office":

*http://www.chaosmusic.com/shop/detail.asp?productID=849705

Available for $44.95 (Fiona Campbell)

* EzyDVD has it available for pre-order (shipping Sep 1) at http://www.ezydvd.com.au/item.zml/223899 for $46.95 (Ken Taylor)

* Price comparisons can be made here:

http://www.dvdplaza.com.au/pricecrawler/

It currently shows FBO as the lowest, at $40.54.

Or here: http://www.happyhunter.com/

For those in Australia in the big cities, generally better prices can be found at traditional stores (with the bonus of instant gratification!) - I've found K-Mart, Big W, Dick Smith Powerhouse and JB Hifi all tend to be quite competitive.

Online I've found EzyDVD to be good... and one of the others, though I don't recall which! But I don't buy online very often, for the above reason.

While having a leisurely read of today's (Sep 14th) Sunday Melbourne Herald-Sun, I was delighted to spot the following brief review of the new Goodies release on their DVD, Video And Book Reviews page:

The Goodies, 8 Delicious Episodes

**** (ratings are 1 to 5 stars, rather like the Black Pudding system!)

Graeme Garden, Tim Brooke-Taylor, Bill Oddie

Never has Britain served up a more dynamic bunch of clowns. No task too small or too ridiculous. They have saved the Tower Of London, taken over Parliament and even turned a harmless little kitten into a man-eating monster. This double DVD features eight classic Goodies episodes. There are excellent special features, too, including story boards, out takes and cast commentary. Ridiculous stuff – but that's why it is so good.

Highlight // The Goodies And The Beanstalk episode – side-splitting fun.

GOODIES CROSSWORD

In a shop called Past Times that sells items, books etc of different periods of history, I found an interesting book - well, one pages worth. It was a cult TV crossword book, and one of the crosswords was dedicated to the Goodies alone. I didn't get the ISBN, but it was £5, you might find it on the Past Times web site, or Amazon. The only question I can remember was "Tim Brooke-Taylor became one of these" or something like that, and the answer was icon. There were other questions about Kitten Kong, and the LWT series mostly, from what I can remember. You would have to of seen alot of episodes to answer the questions, I could only answer three.

VOTE ONE, GOODIES

The BBC are having a vote for the 100 best TV comedies. Of course the Goodies don't show up on the list to choose from, but apparently you can nominate a show not on the list at the bottom of the voting page.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sitcom/

ORSON-LY RARE GOODIES

During its Orson Welles season in September and October the NFT (National Film Theatre, London) will be screening 'Orson Welles' London', a rarely seen short film co-starring Tim Brooke-Taylor. The voice (and possibly body) of Graeme Garden are also in the film, as is Bill Oddie's song 'One Man Band' (from 'I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again' and 'Broaden Your Mind'), although in this case it is performed by Welles.

Welles invited the team to work with him on a special for CBS Television, entitled 'Around The World With Orson Welles', after he had enjoyed their 1968 sketch series 'Broaden Your Mind'. 'Around The World With Orson Welles' was re-titled 'Orson's Bag' (presumably to avoid confusion with Welles' 1950s travel series of the same name) and was shot in 1968 and 1969, with the cast also including Mickey Rooney and Jonathan Lynn (who had written and performed in the Cambridge Footlights with the future Goodies and half of the Pythons and would later co-write 'Yes, Minister' and become a film director). The programme was never screened by CBS, but it is believed to have comprised of five sketches called 'Churchill', 'Swinging London', 'Four Clubmen', 'Stately Homes' and 'Tailors', as well as footage of Welles' production of 'The Merchant of Venice'. They were all linked by a story in which Harrison, an 18th century inventor builds a marine chronometer; two hundred years later a man called Gould attempts to restore it.

In 1971 Welles re-shot part of 'Stately Homes' and used it in a 29 minute film called 'Orson Welles' London'. This film also contained 'Churchill', 'Swinging London', 'Four Clubmen' and 'Tailors. This was also never screened, but following Welles' death parts of it were used in a 1996 documentary called 'The Lost Films of Orson Welles', made by Welles' wife Oja Kodar (For more information on this programme see Matthew K. Sharp's article in C&G#18 at http://www.goodiesruleok.com/showcag.php?issue=18). In 1999 'Orson Welles' London' was restored by Filmmuseum Munich and appears to have been screened in various parts of Europe since then.

Several websites state that the script was written by "young English authors", others credit only Welles. One site notes the stylistic similarities between 'London' and 'Monty Python'. This is an interesting connection to make as the stylistic similarities between the comedians of that Cambridge generation have been well documented. It is possible that Brooke-Taylor, Garden, Oddie or Lynn contributed sketches for Welles' project, but if they did it is odd that this has never come to light before.

As for the sketches themselves they are all parodies of aspects of English life with Welles in the principle roles. In 'Churchill' Welles impersonates Winston Churchill and in 'Four Clubmen' he plays four different old buffers in a posh member's club. 'Tailors' is a send-up of arrogant English tailors.

'Swinging London' and 'Stately Homes' both co-star Tim Brooke-Taylor and were shown in 'The Lost Films of Orson Welles'. 'Swinging London' is a travelogue spoof, with Welles as a variety of London characters (including a policeman singing Oddie's 'One Man Band', over footage of Welles as a One Man Band) and Brooke-Taylor as the posh and camp travelogue presenter. In "Stately Homes" Welles interviews Lord Plumfield (also played by Welles) and his upper-class twit son Algy (Brooke-Taylor).

Lord Plumfield's butler, Blemish, looks suspiciously like Graeme Garden, but it is difficult to be certain as Blemish does not speak and is never shot close-up. The introductory voiceover to the sketch is definitely Graeme Garden, as is the final interviewer's question. This seems odd as Welles is supposedly the interviewer, but the explanation is that while the interviewer was originally Graeme Garden as a voiceover, Welles was unhappy with the finished product and decided to do a re-shoot (three years later, in Paris, using a different film stock and after Welles had grown a beard!) with himself as the interviewer.

Given the differences in location and film-stock, the new footage looks uncomfortable with the old, especially as the original was not intended to be cut together with shots of interviewer. But it is no doubt an improvement on what would have been an even more oddly-shot sketch in its original form. Why Welles never got around to solving the problem of Garden delivering the final interviewer's questions is a mystery however. Perhaps after the re-shoot he was still unhappy with the sketch and decided to abandon it.

By all reports the sketches which make up 'Orson Welles' London' are amusing and show that Welles had a hidden talent for comedy and mimicry. They are also a fascinating and little-known aspect of the pre-Goodies careers of Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie and will no doubt make interesting viewing.

Here are the details of the screening of 'Orson Welles' London', which comes from the NFT's September/October 2003 programme:

ORSON WELLES AND TV: PROGRAMME 1

Tuesday 30th September 8:45pm NFT1

As early as the 50s, Welles was working with some regularity - and, often, a great deal of ingenuity - in television. Sometimes, as in the virtuoso and highly experimental "Fountain of Youth" (1956), or the playful "Orson Welles' London" (1968-71), he would make forays into comedy; at others, he would explore the format of the essay-film, as with "Viva Italia" (aka "Portrait of Gina") (1958); or in the "Orson Welles' Sketch Book" series (1956) he would sit before the camera, his drawings to hand, expounding on whatever subject took his fancy.

Introduced by Stefan Droessler (Filmmuseum Munich).

National Film Theatre, South Bank, London SE1 8XT

Box Office: 020 7928 3232

http://www.bfi.org.uk/nft

Nearest tube: Waterloo

3. 2001 AND A BIT

If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website), as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.

* On Sunday 10th August 8pm BBC1 broadcast a documentary following the progress of water. To my delight it was narrated by Bill Oddie and there is a page devoted to it here:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/programmes/tv/earthride/

(David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - August 13th)

* BBC America's shop is selling the Doctor Who CDs in which Graeme and Bill appear ("Bang-Bang-a-Boom" and "Doctor Who and the Pirates", respectively). Go to http://www.bbcamericashop.com/, enter "Doctor Who" in the search field and select "Audio Books" as the format to see these titles.

The CDs can still be ordered directly from Big Finish productions (http://www.doctorwho.co.uk/drwho/index.htm) but the BBC America Shop is another option for people in North America who may be uncomfortable with placing overseas credit card orders. However, I think BBC America's cost might be slightly higher, once you figure in the shipping cost (unless you catch a "free shipping" promotion). (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - August 18th)

GRAEME SPOTTINGS

* Assuming the TV Tome website here http://www.tvtome.com/tvtome/servlet/EpisodeGuideSummary/showid-8601/season-2 is correct, the episode of "Doctor In The House" which Graeme appears is called Doctor On The Box and is scheduled to air on UKTV on Foxtel / Austar / Optus on September 3, 2003 at 17:00 (NSW cable/satellite time - standard adjustments have to be made elsewhere).

(Raymond - August 13th)

* Doctor In The House is airing in Melbourne on Channel 31, Fridays 1:30pm.

(Daniel Bowen - Goodies-l - September 6th)

* On Sunday, 21st September BBC Radio 4 will air "Pick of the Week", in which "Graeme Garden presents his selection of highlights from the past week on BBC radio." The 45 minute show will air from 18:15 to 19:00

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - September 13th)

* Tim has been appearing in the tv comedy TLC, aired recently on the ABC, playing the part of the hospital chaplain. (David Geer)

* Tim is a fried of the Peak District and there is a link giving a little background info here:

http://www.friendsofthepeak.org.uk/fotpdbeafriend/specialfriends3.htm#Tim

Tony Robinson, Sir Chris Bonnington, Mike Harding and Michael Palin join him.

(Jess Green - Goodies-l - August 18th)

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE

* An audio tape of You'll Have Had Your Tea, written and performed by Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer is being released next month.

http://www.bbcshop.com/bin/venda?ex=co_disp-view&bsref=bbc&invt=0563496983

I also noticed today on the BBC website that volume 8 of ISIHAC is being released around the same time.

(from information by Vicky Booker and Alison Bean - Goodies-l - September 3rd)

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

First screened: 26th October 1976

The year is 2001 (and a bit) and an ancient Tim (sporting the same weird hairdo from 'Hype Pressure') is dozing at his desk until he is woken up by his son Bill (BBT), who is dressed identically, but has his hair combed up into a vertical ponytail. TBT has run the firm for many years, but is knackered and finally ready to hand it over to young BBT, especially now that he has proven to be a right little crawler in the Brooke-Taylor family tradition.

However TBT first demands that BBT must remove the ponytail and facial fungus, as he looks uncannily like Bill (Graeme Oddie's father), who was fired years ago because he kept biting people, followed soon after by Graeme (Tim Garden's father) who was locked away for having an unnatural relationship with his computer! TBT produces a photo album and explains to BBT that the three Goodies all knew Raquel Welsh equally well and when she eventually produced triplets, they took one each, but just might have taken the wrong ones in hindsight!

TG enters the office just in time to spoil young BBT's first patriotic speech and complains that life was more enjoyable in their father's era because everything they did back then was naughty, but nowadays everything is so boring because all of the really bad activities have been legalised. A look at television reveals more boredom as all soccer matches produce a nil-all scoreline and all sorts of gratuitous violence hardly gets anyone excited at all. The office door is crashed down by a rampant GO dressed in gridiron gear on a set of roller blades, but even he is stupendously bored by rollerblading and the new sport of 'roller egg' (although his crazy suggestions of tanks on rollerblades and spraying the crowd with acid just might have got things going a bit!). The only solution is to return to the good old days and give the crowds something really mind-bogglingly, rivetingly, excruciatingly dull and pointless - by reviving cricket!

Firstly they have to rediscover the ancient near-extinct tribe that hides from man - the MCC - and TG travels to the overgrown temple of Lords (which was long thought to be a place of sun worship with green strips of rice paddies inside it!) to find the right equipment. Meanwhile TBT and BBT don their power walking boots and enter the Slimbridge MCC Sanctuary (using a 5 pound note with Maggie Thatcher on it!) to observe the old cricketers in their last remaining native habitat, then sneak into the pavilion, only for TBT to reacquaint himself with GG and BO, who have forgotten who he is and also have rather sketchy memories of what the Goodies used to do as well.

Despite being mistaken by the old timers as a "sexy young gal", BBT produces an inspiring speech to revive the MCC and the ancient cricketers march out singing their battle anthem 'We Are The Lads Of The MCC', only to bore the hell out of the crowd and a robot commentator when they hardly even manage to breathe during two whole days of play. However Graeme and his rollerblading lads soon issue a challenge, but despite their padding and the use of a 'Trojan batsman' to stand inside, they are dismissed for a grand total of zero.

The MCC lads soon get runs on the board with the help of power-walking boots and some dirty tactics that escalate when BO delivers exploding cricket balls from a tank, which prompts loud shouts of "How is 'e?!", followed by a "Where is 'e?!" as a huge cloud of smoke envelops the ground. GO pelts the MCC with cricket balls before he takes a wild ride through the streets on the sightscreen. He slogs a mortar shell for six and deals comfortably with a hand grenade, but plays across the line of a rising atom bomb which detonates with a rather big bang. Out of the rubble and smoky haze marches the triumphant MCC team who have inherited the earth and retained the Ashes in the process.

* TBT (to his grovelling son BBT): "Ah, you know, you're a credit to the Brooke-Taylors. A right little crawler!"

* TBT (on the fate of GG): "I'm afraid he went a couple of years later. He was put away for having an unnatural relationship with his computer!"

* BBT (pointing to photo of GG on the wall): "This is your chance to emulate your father. Great man. Great man."

TG: "He was a raving loony!"

BBT: "He was a great raving loony!"

* TG (about Jolly King Charles): "That buffoon! You wait 'til his program drops out of the top 10. Then he'll be out on his ear. (chuckles) At least he'll have a soft landing! Ear, ear!"

* GO (pointing to photo of BO on the wall): "You think I'm mindless?! Look into those eyes. Look into them. Nothing! Not one single solitary thought ever crossed that mind ... except BASHING .. PEOPLE'S .. FACES .. IN!"

* BBT & TG (singing in unison): "Goodies! Goody, goody ... thing, thing!"

* TBT (reminiscing): "The three seater bike. You remember, the good old days."

BO: "Ooh yes, the giant kitten."

TBT: "The giant beanstalk."

GG: "The Ministry Of Silly Walks!"

TBT: "Yeah .... I don't remember that!"

* The superb efforts of the three Goodies in acting out the roles of their respective 'sons'; with Bill Brooke-Taylor wearing a Union Jack waistcoat, making patriotic speeches and acting like a right crawler, Tim Garden wearing a brown corduroy suit and taped-on fuzzy chops and being a scientific boffin, and Graeme Oddie in padded gridiron gear behaving like a useless hairy little gnome with a violent streak (just like his dear old 'Dad'!)

* TBT preparing to show BBT something that he's never seen before (by rummaging suspiciously around in his own crotchal region!) before producing an ancient photo album, BBT's excited cries of "Cor blimey wallop!" at a photo of the scantily clad Racquel Welsh before TBT informs him that she is his mother and the explanation of how the triplets just might have got mixed up after birth.

* BBT claiming that GO's father would be ashamed of his exploits and subsequently turning around a photo of BO hanging on the wall, only to reveal a photo of the back of BO's head on the other side!

* GO playing 'roller egg' and getting shot out of an ejector seat, trying to balance a spoon and egg held in a black glove with metal spikes on it while travelling at breakneck speed on roller blades. His job is made increasingly difficult when he is creamed with a custard pie which sticks in his visor, blocking all vision and also by two guys with spears who miss him and spear each other instead before toppling backwards into caskets. After crashing through a brick wall and a hedge (rediscovering the dodo in the process only to have it immediately rendered extinct when a hunter blows it away with a shotgun), he headbutts a truck and returns to the office complaining how boring it all was.

* TG entering the overgrown pavilion at Lords, removing the sacred urn from its cabinet and tipping the Ashes all over the floor, then having all sorts of amusing trouble figuring out how to wear the protective gear, eventually emerging with pads on his arms, wicketkeeping gloves on his feet and a box on his head.

* TBT greeting his old chums at the MCC only for them to forget who he is, even to the point of mistaking him for Nicholas Parsons and pelting him with fruit. Also BBT's inspiring cricket poem speech featuring lines like: "We'll show them all with bat and ball, in spite of our lumbago. We're not caught out by frog or kraut, nor greasy wop nor dago!"

* GO trying to take a catch off a very high ball only for the two power-walking batsmen to keep upending him continually on the way past, with his protective gear slipping to a different spot each time and the ball finally bouncing off his helmet before cracking him on the head when he removes his helmet too early.

* GO sailing down the street on a sightscreen only to have a car crash right through the middle of it as he hurtles across an intersection, with him still managing to hang on for dear life afterwards.

We Are The Lads Of The MCC

An interesting concept with the three Goodies acting out the roles of 'sons of the Goodies' and each of them taking on the personalities and dress habits of their different fathers, but a difficult one to rate as much of the show is subtly and cleverly written but not really exceptionally funny. There are enough classic scenes and quotes to make it a very good episode, but also enough quieter patches (especially a lot of the visual material) to make me reluctant to rate it a great one.

III Goody Goody Yum Yum

BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:

IIII - Officially amazing.

III - Goody goody yum yum.

II - Fair-y punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

October Episode Summary –

The Goodies Almost Live

5. GOODIES COR COMICS SYNOPSIS #21

It was probably inevitable that some of the story premises covered in the Goodies Cor!! comic strips would be covered in the Goodies television series as well. But the comparisons usually ended with the basic premise. Since the Goodies comics were aimed at kids they stuck mainly with physical humor, visual silliness and painful puns while the Goodies delved deeply into all of these plus added a heaping dose of satire. In some cases the comics did a premise first, and this is one such case. The Goodies wouldn't tackle the world of newspaper publishing until 1975 with the episode Cunning Stunts. Cor!! made them newspapermen in 1973 with the entry we'll be reviewing this month.

Header: THE GOODIES ARE "PRESS-ED" INTO STARTING A NEWSPAPER!

We find the Goodies in their office where the Mayor of Cortown (wearing a medal which says 4F OFF) is addressing them. Graeme is opening a small cupboard to take something out.

MAYOR: It's time this town had a *local newspaper*! We've decided *you're* the people to start one!

GRAEME: That's good news, Mr. Mayor - it will give me a chance to use the *printing press* I invented!

Graeme struggles to pull a gigantic printing press out of the small cupboard. Tim watches on, impressed, as Bill dons a reporter's hat and grabs a notepad.

TIM: I never realised we had so much *cupboard space*!

BILL: Hey, I'll be a reporter, and go and interview that wrestler, *Alf Nelson*, who trains round the corner!

Bill is outside the ring talking to Alf, who is in the middle of a wrestling match. His opponent, named Ed Locke, has Alf pinned down and is grabbing onto Alf's ear as well as biting his hand.

BILL: Hey, Alf! Could I have a *word* in your *ear*?

ED: Sorry, bate, I'be using id ride dow!

ALF: Grunt ... groan!

Bill excitedly clambers into the ring as Alf's opponent starts spinning Alf above his head.

BILL: I've got to get a story ... good job I know the *ropes*!

Ed Locke throws Alf Nelson down on top of Bill very violently.

BILL: Is your life all *ups and downs*? . . . wooops!

The next thing Bill knows he's completely caught up in a tangle between the two wrestlers on the mat.

BILL: *Arrrrgh!* Careful, fellows, I'm in here somewhere .. !

A postman enters carrying Bill, who is tangled up into a ball (he's wearing a tag which reads "To the Goodies office." Graeme is working on the printing press while Tim is cutting some articles from other newspapers.

POSTMAN: Puff! Special delivery - pant! For you!

BILL: At least I got an "inside" story!

TIM: Crumbs! It's *Bill!*

Tim throws on a jacket and hurries to the door as Graeme starts to try to untangle Bill.

TIM: You were a Boy Scout once, Graeme - so you untie him, while I'll go get a real news item!

Tim is leaning against the wall of the office, notepad at the ready, when a man comes running by looking panicked and pointing behind him.

MAN: Hey, Goodie Tim, there's a *lion* escaped from the zoo!

TIM: Wow! That's a story worth *following up*!

The man ducks into an open doorway as the lion appears and starts chasing Tim down the street.

MAN: Oh, yeah? Well, he's *heading this way*!

TIM: Oh, *no*! Now the story's following *me*!

Tim races around a corner with the lion in close pursuit. We can see a couple of zookeepers running after the lion with nets and a whip, while a policeman directs traffic nearby, oblivious to the chase going on right near him. Tim hurls himself into the end of an open pipe laying on the ground.

TIM: I'll hide in one of these *pipes* - that lion is too big to follow me!

Tim's head pokes out of the other end of the pipe, but the pipe is much smaller on that end and

he can't get through.

TIM: Crumbs! This pipe must *taper* at this end - I'm *stuck*!

The zookeepers arrive and have grabbed the lion's tail, which is sticking out of the large end of the pipe, the lion having gone after Tim. They try to pull the lion out to no avail.

ZOOKEEPER: So's the lion, mate! He went in after you!

TIM: Gosh, I hope he's not 'long in the tooth'!

Graeme and Bill are sitting at a desk in their office, Graeme typing on a typewriter and Bill looking through a paper called the Cortown Arsenal (I thought they didn't have have a local paper??). They see Tim's head passing by the window.

BILL: Look, it's Tim going by!

GRAEME: That's *impossible* - we're on the *second floor*!

TIM: I've got my story, fellers!

Graeme looks out the window to see that Tim is at the top of the very long pipe, the bottom of which is on the ground with the lion's legs sticking out, the lion walking along on a lead held by one of the zookeepers so that it looks like a long pipe figure with a Tim head and a lion's legs.

GRAEME: Gosh! What a "tall" story!

TIM: We'll make it the "lead"!

The Goodies are exhausted as they get ready to finally print their newspaper.

BILL: With the bits we cut from the other newspapers, we've enough to put the paper to bed!

TIM: Good, I'm *tired*!

GRAEME: Oh, no! I've just remembered - we've no paper to *print* the issue on!

Refusing to give up, Graeme takes a pair of white overalls and lays them out across the printing press.