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THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE

THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB

Issue No. 94 12th October 2003

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'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER

Daniel Bowen, Mark Longmuir, Vicky Booker

1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you

2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

3. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY – The Goodies – Almost Live

5. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #22

6. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS

(by "Magnus Magnesium")

QUOTE: "I've got dishpan hands, housemaid's knee, flunky's feet and butler's bum!"

(a) Which Goodie says this quote?

(b) Which product does he get conned into using to cure these afflictions, only to end up with it splattering in his face?

QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode: "South Africa"

(d) What is the sign on the door of the South African Tourist Office?

(e) Why is Graeme suspected by the South African officers of being black?

(f) Why are the jockeys in South Africa only entitled to half a vote?

(g) Which two showbiz acts had been banned under the new apart-height regulations?

(h) What is the name of Tim and Graeme's jockey servant at their ranch?

The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

LET'S BOUNCE FOR BRITAIN

(by Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - September 23rd and October 7th)

BBC Radio Wales will be airing a show called "Space Hoppers, Tank Tops and Me" in which "Huw Williams presents a series about the 70s, the decade that taste forgot. This edition recalls the Goodies and Bob Harris's Old Grey Whistle Test."

The show will air on: Sunday 5th October from 12:31 to 12:59 and again on Monday 6th October from 18:32 to 19:00. BBC Radio Wales is available on-line at http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/radiowales/

Sharp-eyed David Piper-Balston found the full interview with the Goodies that was conducted for the Space Hoppers show at http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/radiowales/media/spacehoppers_goodies.ram

Also, there's a photo of Tim and Graeme with interviewer Huw Williams at http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/radiowales/shows/spacehoppers.shtml#Win

On the same page they have a competition to win your very own space hopper (although they don't say if you get a sparklypegs toothpaste costume to wear while riding it ;)

GOODIES DVD SELLING LIKE STRING!

(by Daniel Bowen - Goodies-l - September 24th)

The Goodies DVD is on ABC shop web site, as a featured (front page) product (Flash animation) http://shop.abc.net.au/

And it's listed as their number 1 best seller.

3. 2001 AND A BIT

If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website), as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.

* While browsing through Heat magazine today, killing time and trying to warm up in Smiths on the way to work, I found a small picture of Bill Oddie. The caption read something along the lines of "the most bizarre sighting this week was of Bill Oddie walking around North London with a small plastic deer under one arm. There's no joke coming up, we just love the picture to death. Oh well, Oddie by name ... " And the picture is exactly as described.

(Vicky Booker - Goodies-l - September 29th)

* The episode of "The Detectives" in which Bill Oddie appears (entitled "Bird in the Hand") is scheduled to be repeated in the UK several times next week. The exact dates/times are:

Saturday 11th October on Bravo from 20:35 to 21:10 (35 minutes long).

Saturday 11th October on Bravo Plus 1 from 21:35 to 22:10 (35 minutes long).

Saturday 11th October on Bravo from 23:45 to 00:20 (35 minutes long).

Sunday 12th October on Bravo Plus 1 from 00:45 to 01:20 (35 minutes long).

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - September 30th)

* Information is still dribbling in about Bill's new series called "History Hunters". Following are brief programme listings for the episodes scheduled for Monday, 13th October through Friday, 17th October

Bill Oddie's History Hunters

Monday 13th October on BBC 1

Bill Oddie conducts a historical tour of Torquay explaining how it rose to prominence as a Victorian seaside resort.

Tuesday 14th October on BBC 1

Tessa Dunlop takes a family of historical sleuths on a hunt to establish one of London's most infamous figures while Bill Oddie explores the history of London's theatre district and the diet, clothes and make-up of the seventeenth century.

Wednesday 15th October on BBC 1

While Tessa Dunlop helps a family of would-be historians track down one of Bristol's most celebrated figures, Bill Oddie gives a guided tour of Bristol's roots in seafaring and slavery.

Thursday 16th October on BBC 1

Tessa Dunlop and the guest family endeavour to trace one of Birmingham's most renowned figures, while Bill Oddie explores how his home city got so big in the first place.

Friday 17th October on BBC 1

Tessa Dunlop and a guest family try to establish the identity of one of Cheltenham's most celebrated figures, while Bill Oddie looks at the history of the spa town and its public schools, and how rock 'n' roll scandalised the Regency town in the 60s.

I did a Google search on Bill Oddie & Tessa Dunlop and found the following BBC Press Release from 21st May

Bill Oddie is on the History Hunt

Presented by Bill Oddie and Tessa Dunlop, History Hunters is a brand new BBC Daytime game show in which teams turn detective in the UK's cities and towns to investigate a celebrity son or daughter. As well as guessing the identity of the famous person, they must also answer general questions on history. There are written clues and sometimes even a blood relation to help them on the way. It isn't all plain sailing though, because there are also red herrings and other famous people to throw the hunters off the scent.

Bill drops in from time to time to check their progress, question decisions and plant seeds of doubt and, when he's not on the team, he is off revealing social history insights on the person and the place.

The winning team receive a British Ancestral Research Personal Family Tree.

History Hunters is made by BBC Bristol.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - October 3rd)

* According to the www.billoddie.net website, there is a full page feature on Bill in the new issue of TV Times (dated 11-17 October 2003).

To quote the news posting from the Bill Oddie site, "Ostensibly promoting History Hunt, [the article] actually spends more time talking about his birding, his eating habits and his musical interests."

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - October 8th)

GRAEME SPOTTINGS

* Graeme is going to present a new Radio 4 quiz game 'Beat the Kids' after what must have been a successful pilot.

Ask the Family meets The Simpsons: Radio 4's new family-friendly, comedy panel game, for anyone who spends their time dealing with kids, or being a kid themselves.

Chaired and administered by Graeme Garden, in the role of renowned parentologist, "Dr.G"; with the likes of Linda Smith and Marcus Brigstocke as kids; and Jo Brand plus Fred MacAulay as parents.

Date(s) of show: Wednesday 22, 29 October and 5, 19, 26 November and 3 December

Studio doors open: 7.15pm

Age Limit: Those under 14 years of age will not be admitted.

Venue: Drill Hall, 16 Chenies Street, London WC1

Nearest tube: Goodge Street

Phone: 020 8576 1227 Fax: 020 8576 8802 Minicom: 020 8225 8090

Write to: BBC Audience Services

We need to know your name, address, daytime telephone number, how many tickets you require and the age range of those wishing to attend.

(David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - September 23rd)

* Just got the "Doctor Who at the BBC" CD, which includes various bits of radio programmes and interviews about the show. There are also some send-ups, including Tim (and Barry Cryer) in a 1973 Hello Cheeky sketch about "Doctor Who and the Bores". (Mark Longmuir - Goodies-l - September 25th)

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE

* The following is an excerpt from BBC7's newsletter dated 19 September 2003

From: owner-bbc7@lists.bbc.co.uk [mailto:owner-bbc7@lists.bbc.co.uk]

Sent: Friday, September 19, 2003 11:09 AM

To: bbc7@lists.bbc.co.uk

Subject: bbc7 newsletter 19 September 2003

Last night I was at a very special Awards Ceremony, at the Dorchester Hotel, the Spoken Word Awards, and was privileged to be at the I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue team table. The programme had been nominated for best comedy audio, and there was keen competition from amongst others, Peter Kay and Tony Hawkes.

I am very pleased to say that "Clue" (as abbreviated by us at BBC 7) won the Gold Award for a BBC Radio Collection cassette which included the very first programme. You will be able to hear this programme in our Christmas schedule.

It was very much their night, as the team also won the Radio Times Readers Award, and it was a joy to see them collecting the awards, headed by both the first producer of the series, David Hatch, and the current producer, Jon Naismith.

There will be an opportunity to win a boxed set of Clue before Christmas.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - September 19th)

* I'm forwarding this message, which was sent to the ISIHAC Announcements list by Mike:

"I have learnt that some of the ISIHAC regulars are to appear as part of a benefit show for the Roy Kinnear Charitable Foundation on Sunday 26th October. Humph, Graeme, Barry, Sandi, and Colin will be appearing in a 20 minute slot. Also performing on the night will be Judi Dench, Ian McKellan, Ned Sherrin, David Frost, Ross Noble, Sheila Hancock, Frances de la Tour, Carl Davis, Jean Boht and Richard O'Brien with others expected to join the line up.

The benefit is being held at the Theatre Royal, Haymarket, London. I have no idea if tickets are still available but I understand you should be able book them on 0870 901 2256, or at the theatre.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - October 1st)

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

THE GOODIES – ALMOST LIVE

First screened: 2nd November 1976

A concert which features many of The Goodies' best known songs:

* 'Please Let Us Play'

- Bill and Tim want to perform their music (despite having terrible voices and not being able to play anything), but Graeme urges the audience not to let them play. Eventually with Bill on guitar and fiddle and the others on brass, they become rock and roll stars in snazzy red sequined tops and blue pants (with Graeme sporting Dame Edna Everage sunglasses) and the audience finally allows them to play, as Tim hits his hot triangle as a finale.

* 'Good Ole Country Music'

- Cowboy Graeme can't stand listening to The Beatles or Bing Crosby, but loves to hear the DOOOOWN home country SOOOOUND of a coyote howling to an off-pitch slide guitar, backed by Bill who sings harmonies and makes silly noises like a chicken being flattened by a train.

* 'Cactus In My Y-Fronts'

- With a call of "Fiddler, have you got your bow?!" (and the fiddler sporting a lovely big bow in his hair!), the pink-clad Midnight Cowperson (Two Gun Pierre) relates the sad tale of his loser status with guys, gals and horses alike after a much-needed leak at Cripple Creek leaves him with a "prickly pear" in the pants.

- The Goodies (dressed in sensational pink tuxedos with blue lacy shirts and black bow ties) request various funky dances with backing from two soul singers. These dances include the funky chicken, slimy toad, loony moth, festering ferret, disgusting three toed sloth, belligerent bee, incontinent elephant and dead dog, and are acted out by the funky dancing trio of Pan's Grannies (the Goodies dressed as pepperpots), who make a spectacle of themselves in their old coats, flowing shawls and gigantic applecatcher knickers!

- Despite being dismissed as "juvenile" and "rotten" by the backing singers, a chant of "C'mon everybody, it's gibbon time!" is enough to get the audience to bop along as the Goodies (dressed in those amazing coloured overalls with the big 'G' on the front) perform their best known song, 'gibbon' a bit of help from footage of other primates going ape as well.

- Filmed in sepia vision with backing footage of cotton pickers and river boats, Tim and Bill sing the blues about all of the weird and wonderful people and places that they have spewed up on ("I've thrown up in California, thrown up in Timbuktu. Now come on over here baby and I'll throw up all over you!"), as Graeme considerately hands out barf bags to members of the audience.

* 'The Inbetweenies'

- A lament that the Goodies are trapped in the 'generation gap' between screaming teenagers and old time rockers, as they remove their red capes to reveal Tim and Graeme being half clad in business suits and then turn side on to show themselves half clad in sequined rock gear.

* 'Black Pudding Bertha'

- In flat hats, braces and Ecky Thump t-shirts and menacingly brandishing black puddings, the Goodies sing of their love for big bloated Black Pudding Bertha, their queen of northern soul. Although "her greasy lips taste a bit like fish and chips", they're happy to "bah goom, 'ere she comes, yum yum, shake ya boom" with her anyway.

- Using hand puppets and in white suits and brown shirts with enormously wide collars, the Goodies tell of their first romance at kindergarten which turns out to be just a case of "nappy love" (which concludes with an impossibly high-pitched note from Bill which sounds like he has accidentally stuck a nappy pin into his own nether regions!)

- Following on from getting the whole of Britain bouncing in the 'Goodies Rule - OK' special, the lads in their Union Jack waistcoats leap madly around at the microphone while the audience bounces balloons and an old man and his dog "do the bounce" in time as well.

* 'Last Chance Dance'

- It's the very last dance of the evening and a dishevelled Bill offers Tim all sorts of helpful instructions on how to find a dance partner, while Graeme has to cool his baton off after he has feverishly conducted the band. Tim eventually gets his girl, but is somewhat upstaged by footage of a regal duo who perform a last chance dance of their own!

- Three pinstripe-suited businessmen hum a tune while they wait for their bus, but soon transform into screaming rock 'n rollers who deliver a truly memorable rendition, with Graeme's menacing "grrr"'s , Tim's walk to the audience (and subsequent squeezing of a fan) and Bill's final plaintive wail, which eventually ends to slow applause from a scruffy cleaning lady in the deserted concert hall.

- The Goodies then reappear to perform their theme song while the credits are being rolled, with many of the musicians and singers being featured as well.

* Graeme (singing 'Good Ole Country Music'): "I love to hear ... a dog in pain. Or a chicken ... bein' flattened by a train!" (as Bill provides the appropriately silly sound effects)

* The lyrics of 'Cactus In My Y-Fronts' which are listed in full at the end of the summary.

* Graeme (singing 'Funky Gibbon'): "Tie a yellow gibbon round the old ..."

Bill & Tim: "Tie a gibbon round the old oak tree."

* Tim (singing 'Wild Thing'): "Let me hold you tight .... not quite that tight! Oh I'm moved, completely moved! Aaaahh!"

* Graeme in his cowboy gear singing monotonously away, apart from the increasingly frequent wails about HOOOOW he loves that good ole country SOOOOUND, with Bill singing an equally monotonous backing harmony from a music sheet with just one note written on it.

* The utterly hornswaggling performance by the Midnight Cowperson singing of the fearful fate of copping a cactus in the crotch, which is covered in more detail in other sections of the review.

* The 'Poor Old Soul' dance, as the resplendently attired Goodies perform all sorts of funky dances with the show stopping help of the delectable Pans Grannies!

* Tim following Bill's 'Last Chance Dance' instructions to the letter, especially holding his date near, letting his hand slip down slowly (much to her reluctance), shoving his nose in her ear and then asking "I suppose it's out of the question?!", with Graeme going berserk conducting the band in the mean time.

* The incomparable rendition of 'Wild Thing', especially Tim taking the long walk to the audience and embarrassing the hell out of one lovely young lady by holding her tight and Bill's huge wail, followed by lukewarm applause from the cleaning lady, who is the only person left in the audience. Friends and relatives who wouldn't know a Goody from a Gumby have agreed that it's the best cover they've ever heard, so that's high praise indeed!

Musicians: Dave McRae, Ron Aspery, Simon Burns, Paul Keogh, Richie Hitchcock, Chris Mercer, Barry Morgen, Brian Odges, Alan Parker, Graham Prestcott, Chris Rae

Singers: Jacquie Sullivan, Joy Yates

Not rated highly by some fans (perhaps because it reminds them of the sort of gear they used to wear in the '70's themselves!) , but in my view it's the ideal showcase of The Goodies' unique brand of comedy pop music. Short, snappy renditions, well chosen video clips, memorably daggy 70's costumes (which were in turn outdone by the height of fashion displayed by many of the enthusiastic groupies in the audience) and the only source of some of their best musical moments like Poor Old Soul and the ripping version of Wild Thing towards the end (as their CD contains the version from the Goodies Rule - OK special) make it one to remember.

Cactus In My Y-Fronts (sung by Tim)

My name is Two Gun Pierre

I wear rose buds in my hair

And a chic-chic pink bandanna round my neck

I came down from Tennessee

With a cowboy on my knee

And a pair of leather chaps around my legs ... hold on boys!

I was down in Cripple Creek

I was dying for a leak

So I dropped my pants behind a cactus there

When I fastened up my belt

I can't tell ya how I felt

But I knew the meaning of a prickly pear ... ouch!!

Oh I've got a cactus in my y-fronts and a vulture round my head

I've just been kissed by a Tennessee miss and I wish that I were dead

I've a jockstrap made of leather and pants of PVC (ee - ee - ee - ee - ee - ee)

The cactus in my y-fronts make a loser out of me!

Where the rustlers are so gay

I bought a gentle gee-gee name of Jacques

But he livened up a lot

When he felt my prickly bot

And that buckin' bronco broke my buckin' back!

So I walked up to Nevada

Where the gals try so much harder

And I met a beefy belle called Caroline

But when she felt my prickles

She cried "Oh Lord, that tickles!"

And now she's run off with a porcupine

Oh I've got a cactus in my y-fronts and a vulture round my head

I've just been kissed by a Tennessee miss and I wish that I were dead

Do you like my high heeled horseshoes, I got them from Paree (ee - ee - ee - ee - ee - ee)

The cactus in my y-fronts make a loser out of me!

(extra bits on album version:)

Alright horsey, hoof me a chorus

(tapping and neighing sounds)

Oh what a great hoof!

It's the yodelling coyote

Oh I've got a cactus in my y-fronts and a vulture round my head

I've just been kissed by a Tennessee miss and I wish that I were dead

I've got sequins on my saddle and I smell like a jasmine tree (ee - ee - ee - ee - ee - ee)

The cactus in my y-fronts make a loser out of me!

Well I'll be hornswaggled! What are you gonna be?!

IIII Officially Amazing

BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:

IIII - Officially amazing.

III - Goody goody yum yum.

II - Fair-y punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

November Episode Summary – Alternative Roots

5. GOODIES COR COMICS SYNOPSIS #22

On an episode of the Goodies television series our heroes became art thieves in an oddball attempt to actually help the National Gallery retain a classic painting. In this Cor!! comic outing the tables are turned as the Goodies are hired to guard some valuable paintings from art thieves. It's a safe bet that Monarch of the Glen is not one of the paintings they are transporting.

Header: THE GOODIES MAKE AN EXHIBITION OF THEMSELVES TRYING TO SAVE SOME PICTURES!

An artist enters The Goodies office with several paintings tucked under his arms. Bill examines one with a magnifying glass as Tim scowls from behind a copy of Cor!! and Graeme stands in front of the desk.

ARTIST: Get these valuable paintings of mine to the gallery, Goodies! A gang of rival artists are out to steal them so that they can have *their* work exhibited instead!

GRAEME: We'll give them the brush-off, sir!

The Goodies mount their trandem, leaving Bill to hold all of the paintings on the back seat.

TIM: Keep your eyes open for an ambush!

BILL: 'ambush? Since when has food been growing on trees?

Suddenly a group of artists appear (obviously artists since they are all wearing berets, smocks and are carrying paint pallets). One squirts a tube of paint at the Goodies as they pass.

BAD ARTIST #1: They've got the paintings! *After them!*

TIM: That must be the gang of rival artists!