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GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #5  -  CACTUS IN MY Y FRONTS

(from C&G #32  July 1998)

Hi there pop pickers and welcome to this month's music review.

WHO?

Your previous hosts E. BahGoom Shake-yaboom and T'Delicate Lady of T'Temple bravely attempted to foil t'Ecky Thump rebellion by ordering Black Pudding Bertha to be shipped off to t'nearest Jenny Craig clinic. However t'lure of t'well stocked afternoon tea trolley proved irresistible to Bertha who climbed aboard with E. Bahgoom and T'Delicate Lady for an out of control ride over t'edge of a quarry cliff (t'ultimate crash diet!).

While Graeme is salvaging the best bits for the reincarnation of Frankenfido, we'll move right along with a review of "CACTUS IN MY Y-FRONTS" by The Goodies, as reviewed by your dah-ling DJ's The Midnight "Horses Hoof" (AKA Brett Allender) and Beefybelle Caroline Pricklyknickers (AKA Alison Bean).

WHERE? WHEN?

On their '70's album "Nothing To Do With Us" and in The Goodies "Almost Live" concert episode.

WHAT?

Lyrics: sung by Tim

My name is Two Gun Pierre

I wear rose buds in my hair

And a chic-chic pink bandanna round my neck

I came down from Tennessee

With a cowboy on my knee

And a pair of leather chaps around my legs ... hold on boys!

I was down in Cripple Creek

I was dying for a leak

So I dropped my pants behind a cactus there

When I fastened up my belt

I can't tell ya how I felt

But I knew the meaning of a prickly pear ... ouch!!

Oh I've got a cactus in my y-fronts and a vulture round my head

I've just been kissed by a Tennessee miss and I wish that I were dead

I've a jockstrap made of leather and pants of PVC (ee - ee - ee - ee - ee - ee)

The cactus in my y-fronts make a loser out of me!

In Californ - i - a

Where the rustlers are so gay

I bought a gentle gee-gee name of Jacques

But he livened up a lot

When he felt my prickly spot

And that buckin' bronco broke my buckin' back!

So I walked up to Nevada

Where the gals try so much harder

And I met a beefy belle called Caroline

But when she felt my prickles

She cried "Oh Lord, that tickles!"

And now she's run off with a porcupine

Oh I've got a cactus in my y-fronts and a vulture round my head

I've just been kissed by a Tennessee miss and I wish that I were dead

Do you like my high heeled horseshoes, I got them from Paree (ee - ee - ee - ee - ee - ee)

The cactus in my y-fronts make a loser out of me!

Alright horsey, hoof me a chorus

[tapping and neighing sounds]

Oh what a great hoof!

It's the yodelling coyote

[howling sounds]

Oh I've got a cactus in my y-fronts and a vulture round my head

I've just been kissed by a Tennessee miss and I wish that I were dead

I've got sequins on my saddle and I smell like a jasmine tree (ee - ee - ee - ee - ee - ee)

The cactus in my y-fronts make a loser out of me!

Well I'll be hornswaggled! What are you gonna be?!

The Midnight "Horses Hoof": The tortuous tale of hapless cowpoof Two Gun Pierre who came down from Tennessee in his chic-chic pink bandanna with rose buds in his hair and a pair of leather chaps around his legs (hold on boys!). He soon finds that his lack of success in attracting a lover of any description is inhibited even further by his poor choice of location for a desperate leak at Cripple Creek. A somewhat amorous cactus renders him with a rather painful "prickly pair" and those brambles in his britches would be the equivalent of javelins in the jocks to any of those gay Californian rustlers or other prospective partners silly enough to try anything (despite his charming high heeled horseshoes all the way from gay Paree-ee-ee being a definite turn-on!). This leaves him to lament his loser status out by his no doubt rather camp-fire in the desert, with only his tap dancing horse ("oh what a great hoof!") and the yodelling coyote for company.

Beefybelle Caroline Pricklyknickers: It's hard enough being single without having to contend with a spike encrusted pair of dacks - that's what Two Gun Pierre found out. Still, you'd have thought that his spikes, when teamed with his leather jockstrap and pants of PVC, would have been appealing to fans of bondage. And maybe they were - Nevada cowgirl, Caroline, liked the feel of Two Gun's undies a lot, but he lucked out there too, because she ditched him for a porcupine. So much for going straight!

Or maybe he wasn't spiky enough. Whatever, his run of bad luck even extended to horse troubles. After buying a gentle gigi named Jacques he discovered that Jacques was so gentle that he could feel Two Gun's prickly bot despite his lovely sequined saddle, which resulted in Jacques almost breaking Two Gun's buckin' back. Ouch!

WHY?

The Midnight "Horses Hoof": The sight of the Midnight Cowperson in his pink sequined gear singing his sad song of rejection by one and all after his excruciating experience is one of the real highlights of Goodies Almost Live, although it's not a total surprise that this "prong song" didn't make it onto their mainstream albums given it's sharply pointed humour. Definitely one guaranteed to bring tears to the eyes, mainly at the merest thought of suffering a similar fate of carting around a cactus in the crotch - one would only hope that Two Gun Pierre didn't have too much sudden excitement in his life for his own wellbeing! At least in these days of all-over body piercing he could save himself a fortune with his do-it-yourself kit and impress lots of Tennessee misses (and twilight zoners) in the process, even if his buckin' bronco doesn't appreciate the acupuncture very much.

Beefybelle Caroline Pricklyknickers: I too was much taken by the appearance of the Midnight Cowperson in The Goodies Almost Live (although I've never quite been able to work out whether he was a shaven Kenny Rogers on crack or an entrant in Mr Gay UK), but I'm happy to say that this song loses nothing in audio form. To compensate for the visual jokes such as "Fiddler, have you got your bow?", we are instead treated to punny lines like "alright horsey, hoof me" and "well I'll be hornswaggled, what are you gunna be?" (I shan't even resist the urge to say "your private life is no concern of ours" at this point!). This is one groovy tune and I never thought I'd say that about anything remotely country, it must be all that early k.d. lang I've been listening to.

HOW?

Using the Black Pudding Ratings System:

MUSIC: The Midnight "Horses Hoof": IIII Officially Amazing; Beefybelle Caroline Pricklyknickers: IIII Officially Amazing.

SINGING: The Midnight "Horses Hoof": IIII Officially Amazing; Beefybelle Caroline Pricklyknickers: IIII Officially Amazing.

HUMOUR: The Midnight "Horses Hoof": IIIII Superstar; Beefybelle Caroline Pricklyknickers: IIII Officially Amazing.

ALL TOGETHER NOW: The Midnight "Horses Hoof": IIII Officially Amazing; Beefybelle Caroline Pricklyknickers: IIII Officially Amazing.

THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM

IIIII - Superstar.

IIII  - Officially amazing.

III   - Goody goody yum yum.

II    - Fair-y punkmother.

I     - Tripe on t' pikelets.