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THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE

THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB

Issue No. 97 12th January 2004

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'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

- David Piper-Balston

COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER:

Mark Longmuir, Phil Wadey

1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you

2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

3. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY - Scoutrageous

5. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #25

6. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS

(by "Magnus Magnesium")

QUOTE: "Your problems are solved. This machine can do everything that Bill does. On the other hand, it has its compensations!"

(a) Which Goodie says this quote?

(b) What is the name of the machine in question?

QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode: "Saturday Night Grease"

(d) Which classic disco tune does Tim get dressed to in the opening scenes?

(e) What does he end up using as a necklace?

(f) Whose picture has he replaced the Queen's portrait with in his section of the Goodies' office?

(g) Which trendy dance does Graeme teach Tim to do?

(h) Who is the presenter of the Disco Dancing championships?

The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

GOODIES FAR FROM WORST

(by Mark Longmuir - Goodies-l - December 15th)

Last night C4 repeated the "100 Worst TV Moments". Fortunately the Goodies weren't included; they were only used in a clip to show what a joke the Black & White Minstrel show was even 30 years ago.

3. 2001 AND A BIT

If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website), as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.

* Bill was on The Big Read final on Saturday (Dec 13th), firstly in a clip from his movie on Wind In The Willows, and then discussing it on stage along with Rebecca (Alan Titchmarsh) and Gone With The Wind (Arabella Weir). Their books had all missed out on the top 5, and they developed the theory that it was because "wind" was in the title. Except for Rebecca of course, which must have been because it was set in Cornwall which is windy.

Bill seemed somewhat annoyed that the top 5 may have been too influenced by film and television. There is probably some truth in that, with many all-time classics missing out, although:

1. Lord of the Rings - recently a huge movie success. Regarded as a classic book, but Clive Anderson threw out several questions as to whether most of the voters had actually read it...?

2. Pride & Prejudice - best known for the book or the TV miniseries?

3. His Dark Materials - no TV or movie

4. Hitchhiker's Guide - probably best known as a book, the TV series isn't greatly liked. The radio show is well regarded but not necessarily well known.

5. Harry Potter & The Goblet Of Fire - movie not yet made, but the HP series has been most popular with children in book form.

If anything the choice of top 5 was probably influenced by cult popularity. Having got there it was a more accurate phone vote ranking on the night, although I think Hitchhiker's was a little hard done by the voting closing just moments after it was discussed... (Mark Longmuir - Goodies-l - December 15th)

* BBC7 is repeating "Tony Hawks's Twelve Days of Christmas" (in which Bill Oddie appears) this Wednesday (24th Dec). It will air three times, at 8:00, 22:30, and early Thursday morning at 4:00.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - December 22nd)

* Bill was just on the New Year's edition of Celebrity Mastermind. His specialist subject was American Jazz, and from being second after the first round, he romped into the lead in the general knowledge section! The other contenders were Germaine Greer (Feminist Writer), Charlie Higson (Comedy actor - The Fast Show) and Julia Somerville (Broadcaster).

(Phil Wadey - December 31st)

* "Bill Oddie Goes Wild in Iceland" will be shown on Sunday 11th January on BBC 2 from 17:20 to 18:00. This show was postponed from 14 December (due to extended news coverage that evening). (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - January 5th)

* Bill will appear in a show called "Holiday 10 Best", which is scheduled for Sunday 11th January on BBC 1 from 19:20 to 20:00. I'm not sure if the segments were newly filmed for this show or if they have been recycled from other BBC nature shows. Here's a listing: "Travel magazine with Ginny Buckley, looking at one of the latest tourism trends - holidays with an environmentally-friendly twist. Ginny visits the brand new north island in the Seychelles. Charlie Dimmock helps out with a conservation scheme in South Africa. Jack Davenport discovers the wonders of the Galapagos Islands. Kate Thornton is at the Eden Project in Cornwall. And Bill Oddie goes bird-watching in the Isles of Scilly." (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - January 5th)

* An episode of "Bill Oddie's History Hunters" will be repeated on Friday 16th January on BBC 1 from 02:15 to 03:15. This is the episode from Portsmouth. (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - January 5th)

* Bill will be presenting a show called 'Secret Squirrels' on BBC2 Sunday 18th January 20 at 5pm to 5:10pm.

"Bill Oddie looks at one of the last remaining strongholds in the country for red squirrels. How Formby in Merseyside has remained a home for Britain's native squirrel, which has steadily become outnumbered by greys."

(David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - January 9th)

GRAEME & TIM SPOTTINGS

* "Beat the Nation", the quiz show hosted by Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden, starts tomorrow (5th January). It will air weekdays on UK Channel 4 from 14:45-15:15. It appears that each episode will be repeated at 8:55 the next morning. (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - January 4th)

* Tim Brooke-Taylor's appearance as a guest judge on "Masterchef", which will air Thursday 8th January on UK Food from 11:30 to 12:00 and again from 15:00 to 15:30. (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - January 5th)

* The radio show "In Conversation With" in which Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden were interviewed by Paul Jackson. The show will air on BBC7 on Friday 9th January on BBC 7 from 08:00 to 08:30 and again at 22:30 to 23:00, with a third repeat a few hours later on Saturday 10th January from 04:00 to 04:30. (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - January 5th)

* Channel 4 has set up a website for "Beat The Nation", the quiz show hosted by Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden:

http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/tv/microsites/B/beat_the_nation/index.html.

The site includes bios of Tim and Graeme under the "About the Show" link. They read as follows:

Tim was born in Buxton, Derbyshire. After a shaky educational start - he was expelled from his first school at the age of five and a half - he ended up at Cambridge University, where he joined the Footlights Revue Club.

It was in the Footlights that he first met, wrote and performed with Bill Oddie, Graeme Garden, John Cleese, Graham Chapman, Eric Idle and others.

In 1963 he became president of the Footlights, and stayed with that year's revue, Cambridge Circus, when it transferred to the West End for five months. This early taste of the bright lights persuaded him to put his hard-earned Economics and Law degree to good use by becoming a comedy writer and performer.

Full of youthful energy, he threw himself into a busy career that included writing scripts for Spike Milligan, editing the Frost Programme, and writing and appearing on the long-running radio series I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again and on TV shows such as At Last The 1948 Show, Marty and Broaden Your Mind.

This last show formed the basis for the hugely popular comedy series The Goodies, in which he starred alongside Graeme Garden, Bill Oddie and a giant cat.

Some thirty years after its inception, Tim still appears as a regular panel member on the award-winning radio show I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. He has also written several books, appeared in countless stage and television productions - and claims to have once replaced Olivia Newton John in a Cliff Richard made-for-TV movie.

Graeme was born in Aberdeen, Scotland and gradually made his way south, studying at Repton in Derby, Cambridge University and finally King's College, London where he qualified in Medicine.

Graeme's career in showbusiness started in the Cambridge Footlights and from there went on to radio, co-writing the hugely successful I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again with Bill Oddie. Graeme starred with Tim Brooke-Taylor in BBC 2's Broaden Your Mind in which Bill Oddie appeared as the guest singer. The next season the three joined forces once more and the result was The Goodies.

After seven series of The Goodies, including best-selling books and a successful recording career (Funky Gibbon reached number 4 in the UK Charts), Graeme appeared with Tim in The Unvarnished Truth at the Phoenix Theatre in London's West End which was to mark the first of many stage appearances.

Graeme has been a successful television and radio writer and presenter for over 30 years, as well a director and author of three novels. He is still a regular member of the team for I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, a programme that he devised for BBC Radio 4. His latest work includes a return to the theatre, collaborating with Rory Bremner in the West End show Rory Bremner Live.

Married with a family and living in Oxfordshire, Graeme likes painting and "playing the banjo in private" in his spare time.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - January 5th)

* I've uploaded a few screen grabs of the show kindly created by my wonderful wife Louise at http://www.dmb.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/beatthenation

The game works like this. Graeme asks a question which has already been asked a selection of people and Tim has the survey results. The game starts with four contestants. In the first round if they get the question right the points awarded represent the percentage of people who got the question wrong, say if 85% of people get it wrong then they have beaten 85% of the nation and are awarded 85 points. The lowest scoring contestant is eliminated. The second round has pretaped snippets of a celebrity answering questions, if the contestant gets the question right the points are doubled if they can guess if the celebrity got it right or wrong. After this round we have two contestants left in the game, the contestants have three lives each and they are asked questions alternating between both contestants of increasing difficulty starting with a question 90% people got right until one contestant gets it wrong when they will lose a life and questions start again as before with one 90% people know.

When a contestant loses all three lives they are out leaving the winner to take part in the final round. In the final they have to answer 10 questions in 90 seconds, the first one that 90 to 100% of people know going then to questions 80 to 90% people know until we get to the questions that less than 10% of people knew. If a contestant gets a question wrong they are given questions of the same difficulty until they get a question right when they progress to questions of the next difficulty level. If they get 10 questions right they get £500 and a chance to qualify for the £25,000 series grand final.

The format gives very little room for Tim and Graeme to display their sense of humour and they don't get a chance to shine like they would on 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue' and it does leave you yearning for a new series of "If I Ruled the World" but it is nice to have Tim and Graeme on a TV show together.

(David Piper Balston - Goodies-l - January 10th)

* Just thought I'd send a reminder, because this was originally announced a few months ago. Graeme Garden is scheduled to make a guest appearance on "Holby City" on 20th January. It'd probably be best to check your local listings next week to make sure the date hasn't changed.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - January 12th)

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE

* According to BBC 7's newsletter, they'll be airing a 1976 "Hello Cheeky" Christmas edition as well as ISIHAC's 1995 Christmas edition this coming Saturday (27th December). (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - December 22nd)

* "Best Of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" will be broadcast on BBC Radio 4 next Monday, 29 December at 18:30 (then repeated on Sunday, 4 January at 12:05). Here's a listing: "Humphrey Lyttelton introduces a compilation of highlights from the antidote to panel games in 2003, featuring shows from Darlington, Buxton, Torquay, Winchester, Eastbourne and Leeds. Join Barry Cryer, Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor plus guests Jeremy Hardy, Tony Hawks, Harry Hill, Sandi Toksvig and Ross Noble to catch some classic moments from the past year. Colin Sell provides musical accompaniment."

In other ISIHAC news, at the conclusion of the recording for "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Carol" producer Jon Naismith explained that they had recorded 1 hour 45 minutes worth of material that had to be edited down to about 52 minutes for broadcast. He announced that an extended version of the show would be released on CD. We don't have any info yet about the length of the CD version or the release date, but we'll let you know when the details become available. (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - December 25th)

* The London Times Online has an article about the "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" Christmas special, which includes some comments from Graeme Garden. Here is the article, which can be found at:

Jonathan Lennie gets a Clue from Graeme Garden

It wouldn't be Radio 4, never mind Christmas, if at some point amid the "Best of ..." yearly round-ups there wasn't an airing of I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue. This year, fans of the "antidote to panel games" are treated to an hour-long special, based on Dickens's A Christmas Carol, written by Graeme Garden - the erstwhile doctor who originally conceived the show and has appeared on it for the past 31 years.

Given the angelic host of Radio 4 comedy stalwarts who can be heard alongside the regular Clue team, if you can catch only one radio laugh-along this Christmas, this should suffice. Humphrey Lyttelton will have little acting to do in his role as the miserable Ebenezer Scrumph, the much-put-upon pianist Colin Sell is Mr Crotchet, and Barry Cryer, Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor are, respectively, the Ghosts of Christmas Future, Present and Pissed. Brooke-Taylor also takes on the roles of Tiny Tim, Big Tim and Medium-sized Tim. And in a veritable fest of comedy talent, they are joined by Jeremy Hardy, Linda Smith, Sandy Toksvig, Andy Hamilton and Tony Hawks in a variety of supporting roles. The structure will be held together by the mellifluous narration of that marathon radio book-reader and polymath Stephen Fry.

Another guaranteed spiritual presence will be the "delightful" score-keeper Samantha, whose innocent antics will no doubt be revealed by Lyttelton with outrageous innuendo. In his defence, however, the ageing quizmaster and full-time jazz trumpeter often asserts that he doesn't understand the scripts that he is given. "That's right, no idea," laughs Garden. "He just comes in and reads it out and then goes home again with a puzzled look on his face."

This is the key to Clue's enduring success - good old-fashioned smut without any swearing. Despite Lyttelton's outré utterances, as Garden maintains, "We don't, by and large, go for the bad language end of things. If you read the scripts, you would be hard-pressed in a court of law to say that any of them tended to be ... remotely funny ... or rude. We believe in the double entendre."

So, expect the usual silly games woven into an unfaithful retelling of Dickens's classic, such as singing the words of one carol to the tune of another and, of course, the incomprehensible Mornington Crescent.

One wonders just what the great Victorian novelist would make of it. "Oh, I like to think that he would probably be a guest on I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue if he was around," declares Garden, "because he was quite good on funny names, wasn't he?"

I'm Sorry I Haven't a Christmas Carol, Christmas Day, Radio 4, noon

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - January 6th)

* Also on-line is a BBC Programme Information booklet which has a publicity photo for "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Clue" and an interview with Tim Brooke-Taylor. The booklet is broken into two PDF files. The first, at http://www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/proginfo/docs/radiowk5152_highs.pdf has the photo and Tim's interview. The second half of the booklet, at http://www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/proginfo/docs/radiowk5152_days.pdf , has the listing for the show and another copy of the publicity photo.

Here is Tim's interview, from BBC pi - Programme Information/Radio 20 December 2003-2 January 2004/Weeks 51 and 52

"On my wavelength" - A weekly column revealing the face behind the voice

(from Interview by Sarah Ward

Name:Tim Brooke-Taylor

Born: Buxton, Derbyshire

First radio broadcast?

"Cambridge Circus in 1963, a radio version of the Cambridge Footlights' Revue of that year. The show ran in the West End and travelled to New Zealand and Broadway. The same cast reunited and called the next series I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again, which itself spawned I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. The original cast featured myself, John Cleese, David Hatch, Tony Buffery, Chris Stuart-Clark, Bill Oddie and Jo Kendall. Graeme Garden joined the cast almost immediately."

Broadcasting heroes?

"Denis Norden, Frank Muir, Richard Murdoch, Kenneth Horne, Al Read and Humphrey Lyttelton."

Most memorable moment on air?

"I interviewed Lord Denning, a hero from my university law days, on Midweek. He was always applying reason to the law, which infuriated his fellow judges. He wasn't interested in me, though, and just kept chatting to Miss World."

Which news story would you most like to announce?

"Derby County wins the Cup? Or Colin Powell becomes president of the US? No, it would be that The Goodies is to be repeated on terrestrial television."

On which other radio show would you most like to make a guest appearance?

"I would have loved to have guested on Fi Glover's Radio Five Live show, but the little jezebel left to write a book. She's bright and has a fantastic laugh."

Ideal radio chat show line-up?

"Humphrey Lyttelton, Stephen Fry, Alan Bennett, Andrew Marr, Sandi Toksvig and Comical Ali."

"Grace Kelly and me - a dream of mine for 50 years. Who cares if I know little about music and she's dead?"

Do you listen to digital radio?

"BBC 7 is absolutely my cup of tea with sugar and a buttered crumpet. I have a digital radio. I also record it (whisper it quietly) on Sky+. I just wish I had a digital radio in the car."

"Trevor's World Of Sport before it was rudely removed. Phoenix Nights, Black Books and the underestimated My Hero. Don't tell anyone, but I also love East Enders, Casualty and Holby City. Graeme Garden is currently recording some episodes of Holby City and I couldn't be more jealous if I tried. Mind you, I did play the gay partner of the chef in Crossroads earlier in the year. I was dead within a week!"

"The Indiana Jones films and anything with Buster Keaton. If I didn't have a small part in it, I'd also say Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory."

"I usually plump for Brideshead Revisited, but the works of PG Wodehouse and Raymond Chandler would be first choices too."

"Carly Simon's Nobody Does It Better, because I think she's singing about me .. or is that You're So Vain?"

"The Peak District. I had a fantastic Enid Blyton childhood in Buxton."

Describe your perfect day off:

"I'm a golfer - sorry. I'd be playing Mixed Greensomes with my wife Christine and we'd win."

Describe yourself in six words:

"Chirpy, chirpy but very cheap, cheap. (Actually, that's a lie, I'm not chirpy and I'm very expensive.)" (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - January 6th)

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

First screened: 15th November 1977

Bill and Graeme are reading their newspapers as Tim bursts through the door, running late for a very important date. It's 6.45 on Thursday evening and they know all of Tim's movements ("trousers off, nothing to replace them, rustle rustle, into the mack" - followed by an agonised yell from Tim!), as he emerges clad in a long overcoat with a black garbage bag on his head and tells them that he's just going for a walk. The others conclude that this is not natural behaviour, as Tim has followed the same ritual every Thursday (for the past sixteen years!), so they finally decide to follow him in a bid to find out what shameful act he is up to.

They track Tim along dimly lit streets (and observe several other shadowy figures dressed like Tim in the process) and into a tiny hall, where they make the shock discovery that Tim's getup is to disguise the fact that he is still a Boy Scout (complete with daggy shorts, knobbly knees and silly hat!) and his platoon consists of a bunch of old men, as no young people have the courage to wear a scout uniform anymore. Bill and Graeme decide to join in for the heck of it and put on some very silly togs just in time for Tim (as Brown Owl the scout leader) to read the scout's oath. Although a boy scout can do remarkable things with two sticks, he is not allowed to have any unclean thoughts and must immediately take a cold shower (from shower heads mounted above the seats), so numerous references to all sorts of naughty subjects during the oath leaves Bill and Graeme shivering profusely after lots of icy drenchings.

Bill finds this no fun at all and threatens to join the Girl Guides until Tim lures him back with a display of scouting proficiency badges. No-one in Tim's patrol has ever been competent enough to win a badge, but Bill and Graeme change all of that with new and interesting slants on the Courtesy, First Aid and Flower Pressing badges (at the expense of several little old ladies and one male cyclist!) and several fresh challenges like obtaining a Wig Spotters badge (with expert help from a Nicholas Parsons mask!) or the Initiative badge (by stealing a pair of Margaret Thatcher's bloomers!). Not surprisingly, Tim is appalled by the dishonour that these activities have brought to the scouting movement (not to mention all the extra cold showers!), so he drums Bill and Graeme out of the scouts (without even hearing Bill's "boffo ideas for Bob A Job Week!"), but they threaten to start up a platoon of their own as they leave.

Tim washes his scout gear (clad only in a Union Jack t-shirt and matching boxer shorts) as two masked scouts appear (one of them with distinctive fuzzy chops and the other with eyeholes cut into his hat which is pulled right down over his head!) and seek a collection for "500 quid a job week". Tim initially refuses, as he doesn't want a job done, but they do the job on him and destroy his hat, staff, woggle and shorts before he finally hands over the cash when his shiny shoes are threatened. They stamp his forehead with a 'job done' sticker, then flee and leave him to ponder "Who WERE those masked scouts?!"

In no time at all, the Lone Scout (plus one!) is responsible for numerous thefts all over the countryside after he puts his knot tying skills to good use and the government declares the boy scout movement an illegal organisation. Several police swoop on the scout hall and cart away the old scouts, although Tim manages to sneak away dressed in his mack and garbage bag. He desperately tries to burn his scout gear by rubbing two sticks together, as Bill and Graeme arrive in posh clothing (now that their "premium bond" has come through!) and give him the tip off that he is about to be picked up by the fuzz, as they have told the police his whereabouts as revenge for him drumming them out of the scouts.

Tim and his fellow scouts front the Scoutfinder General, who interrogates them ruthlessly before he extracts a confession out of them when they all burst into song. Tim supposedly gets a five year sentence for being a convicted scout, but is let off by the judge because he went to a public school and in a bid to overcome his shame, he joins the only organisation left for people like him - the Salvation Army! After a massive recruiting campaign ("feel the urge to wear a funny hat!") by Corporal Cleanly and her 'oppo's', Tim finds himself as the bellowing Sergeant Major of a troop of Salvation Army ladies and is given approval by the Scoutfinder General to fulfil his personal crusade of going after the notorious masked scouts.

Meanwhile Bill finds that life as a millionaire criminal isn't all that it's cracked up to be, but he and Graeme are spurred on by the goal of obtaining the ultimate scouting prize - the World Domination badge. Graeme has made his very own atom bomb and intends to plant it underneath Oliver Reed (and if he is handed control of the world, he promises to blow Ollie up!), however he and Bill don't get very far from their hideout before they come under fire from a huge battalion of Salvation Army ladies who fire guns and cannons (amid stopping for a cuppa!), drop out of aeroplanes, play brass instruments and (most dangerously!) rattle collection tins! The masked scouts are eventually surrounded by Tim and his troops and when Graeme's final ace - the atom bomb - meekly fizzles out, Tim orders them to remove their disguises. However he meekly believes them when Bill says that it wasn't them all along and drives away with his troops singing "Come and join us", before he finally realises that he has been a bit too charitable!

* Graeme: "Clean healthy fun?! Showing off your legs, you shameless hussies! You belong in the Sunday papers, you lot!"

Tim: "Don't you ... don't you upset my lads!"

Graeme (looking at the ancient scouts): "Lads! A job lot for the undertakers!"

* Tim (reciting the boy scout oath): "He does not indulge in woggle jokes such as "Have you seen his woggle? No, but it's a good trick if he can do it!""

* Tim (still reading oath): "He is kindly to little boys ... and cubs ... [all scouts reach anxiously for the cold shower chain] (hastily) ... on .. on the other hand, he is not a raving poofter, oh no!!"

* Tim (reading out the revised badges): "Or you can go for your Wig Spotters badge ... WIG SPOTTERS?!"

* Bill: "I'm going for my Cheering Up Lonely Young Housewives Whose Husbands Are Away At Work badge!"

* Tim (at scout meeting): "Margaret Thatcher's knickers, whatever next?!"

Bill (holds up prize): "Angela Rippon's suspender belt!" [all scouts take a cold shower]

Tim: "Don't you EVER say that again! Angela Rippon's suspender ... whooaah! [all scouts take another cold shower] Right. I'm going to dress you down and give you a good wigging!"

[yet another cold shower!]

Graeme: "Now listen here Brown Boots!"

Tim (flustered): "Ale! ... Owl!!"

* Tim (stunned after being mugged): "Who WERE those masked scouts!!"

* Scoutfinder General: "Are you a boy scout?!"

Tim: "I refuse to answer on the grounds I may incriminate myself."

Scoutfinder General: "Incriminate yourself! How?"

Tim: By letting on I'm a scout. Ooh, no, no!!"

* Scoutfinder General (quietly): "Dib, dib, dib"

Tim: "Dob, d ... shut up (babble)!"

* Tim (as Salvation Army commander): "What have you got on your head, soldier?! Your bonnet is a disaster area. Call that a bow? It looks more like a pregnant butterfly having a crafty kip!"

* Graeme (about the World Domination badge) "There's only three people that have those. That was Alexander The Great, Julius Caesar and David Frost. Mind you, Frosty pinched his!"

* Graeme and Bill knowing Tim's strange Thursday night dress habits and disappearances off by heart, but waiting for sixteen years before finally following him along darkened streets, hiding behind newspapers and inside garbage bins (with Graeme having a load of scraps dumped on his head and scaring hell out of Bill before being miraculously pristine clean in the next shot!) to reveal Tim's "act of shame" - being a boy scout and flaunting his lilywhite legs in public!

* The scout meeting with Tim as Brown Owl and all of the other ancient scouts sitting on stools in washtubs with a shower head above them soon being joined by Bill and Graeme (wearing extremely tight shorts which split as he sits down!). The scout oath decrees that a scout must always be clean in thought, word and underpants, with any unclean thoughts such as doing remarkable things with two sticks, woggle jokes, being kind to little boys, wearing make-up or dressing in women's clothing therefore being quickly averted by taking increasingly frequent cold showers!

* Graeme and Bill creating their own set of scout proficiency badges; earning a Courtesy badge for herding old ladies across the road (by belting them with pool cues) before sending an old dear in a wheelchair careering into a cyclist (allowing them to practise for their First Aid badge!); pressing flowers with a steamroller; using bellows, a fishing rod and (most cruelly) a Nicholas Parsons mask to chalk up their Wig Spotters badge by scaring the hair off everyone (with Graeme almost throwing up after taking a peek at the mask himself!) and finally earning an Initiative badge by stealing a pair of Margaret Thatcher's bloomers (the very pair she is actually wearing at a meeting!), leading to much castigation from Tim afterwards (and many more cold showers for everyone too!)

* Graeme and Bill disguising as 'scoutlaws' and terrorising Tim by setting fire to his hat (by rubbing two sticks together), whittling his scout staff away to splinters with an ill-disciplined pen knife, knocking a packet of starch into his soft soaking shorts (making them as stiff as a board before smashing them to bits) and offering to rub up his shiny shoes (which shine so much that you can see a shocked photo of Tim's face in them!) with a Brillo pad - all in the name of "500 quid a job week", with a bonus Jubilee mug thrown in (from inside the front of Tim's Union Jack boxer shorts!) and Tim having no idea who those masked scouts were!

* Graeme and Bill (as the Lone Scout, plus one) committing a series of dastardly robberies (as part of '1000 quid a job week') aided by devastating use of their knot tying skills, with a lamppost and a businessman's legs being the first to suffer, followed later (after the scouts have threatened to rub two sticks together at a petrol station) by a very tangled snake, elephant's trunk and giraffe's neck (before they snaffle all of the coins from the zoo entrance box) and finally, the barrels of two security guard's guns, as the scouts progressively upgrade their getaway vehicles from a cart hauled by Bill to the trandem, a motorbike and a flashy red car.

* Tim and his fellow scouts fronting the stern Scoutfinder General, who relentlessly interrogates them about boy scout-like activities, almost trapping Tim with a sly "dib dib dib" ("Hmm, if you ask me even one 'dob' is a pretty scouty thing to say!") before rapping his fingers on the table and encouraging the scouts to loosen up and sing "We're riding along on the crest of a wave, and the sun is in the sky ...", before realizing their folly with a shocked "AAAGGHH!!" and drawing a gleeful "AHA!!" from the Scoutfinder General.

* Tim going berserk as a Salvation Army commander, haranguing his female troops about their seams, bows, mucky tambourines etc before leading them in a hearty chorus of "Come and join us", then shouting "Hip, hip, hallelujah" as the Scoutfinder General gives them permission to go after the notorious masked scouts.

Frank Windsor, Michael Barratt, Iris Jones, Peggy Mason, Pat Montrose, Norman Bacon, Ernie Goodyear, James Muir

An all time classic comedy episode linking the unlikely combination of the scouting movement and Salvation Army together brilliantly with hilarious sendups of the best and worst aspects of both organisations. One of The Goodies finest moments without doubt.

BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:

IIII - Officially amazing.

III - Goody goody yum yum.

II - Fair-y punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

February Episode Summary –

5. GOODIES COR COMICS SYNOPSIS #25

23 June, 1973 No. 48

From Buster Keaton to Abbot and Costello and even up to and including Eddie Murphy's most recent film for Disney, the haunted house comedy is a staple. The Goodies themselves touched upon the haunted house theme, albeit in their own unique style, in their first season episode "Cecily." It was only logical that the Cor!! comic artists would want to have a bash at their own comedy scare-fest, and they certainly tip their hats to the cliches of that genre in the Cor!! comic we'll review in this issue.

Header: THE GOODIES AREN'T "FRIGHT-FULLY" KEEN ON INVESTIGATING A HAUNTING!

The Goodies are doing their laundry (using their tap, a bucket and a package of Wiz, which claims it "Washes pale black") when a country gentleman named Earl E. Bird comes racing into their office looking panicked. The Goodies jump in fright at the man's appearance and request, Bill jumping into Graeme's arms and Tim's tie standing straight up (presumably not from over-starching!).

EARL E. BIRD: My country h-house is h-haunted ... and I want you Goodies to lay the ghost!

BILL: *G-GUG-GHOST? H-E-L-P!*

The Goodies are next seen pedalling their trandem toward a large country estate with a sign out front which reads "Earl E. Bird's Stately Pad." Tim looks nervous and Bill is positively shaking on his seat. Graeme is relaxed and trying to calm Bill down.

GRAEME: Stop shaking, Bill - just keep telling yourself there are no such things as ... !

As the trandem enters the yard Tim spies a large, ghostly sheet hovering just ahead of them. He is literally scared off the bike, which proceeds without them, while Tim smashes into Graeme and Bill behind him.

TIM: ... *GHOSTS! EEEEEK, THERE ARE!*

All three Goodies huddle together, shaking ... their hair turned white (as an indicating balloon above them points out, "White with fright") as the trandem continues onward, pulling a cover off a large statue of the Earl looking resplendent in his finest garb . . . this is the "ghost" Tim had seen.

TIM: *Phew!* What a relief! It's just a new statue of the Earl waiting to be unveiled!

As the Goodies proceed to the front door of the estate they are met by a very ghastly looking butler (an Egor of sorts), who motions them to step inside. The Goodies look as if they'd rather forget about the assignment, Bill even trying to sneak off while Tim hangs onto the back of his vest to keep him there.

BUTLER: Step inside, if you dare ... the master telephoned me to expect you!

GRAEME: B-be my guest!

BILL: N-no, I-I insist!

Once inside the estate the Goodies take off their shoes and begin to tiptoe through the house, passing a suit of armor on display against the wall (of course it is wielding an axe).

TIM: Quietly does it - we want to catch the spooks napping, not the other way round!

They continue tiptoeing while a loud CLANG! CLANG! rings out from behind them.

GRAEME: *Ssh!* I said quiet!

They turn to see the suit of armor has apparently come to life and is coming after them, its axe above its head ready to strike.

GRAEME: *Eek!* We're being followed by a suit of armour!

BILL: *Ooer!* And it's about to cut up rough at that!

The Goodies dive behind a table as the suit of armor brings the axe down, smashing a huge hole in the floor where they had been standing.

TIM: *Phew!* That was the closest shave I've ever had!

The Goodies look down into the hole that has been created to see into the cellar where they spy a magnet hanging from the ceiling beneath the suit of armor. A set of footprints lead to the door out of the cellar.

TIM: Look - the armour must have been drawn along by that magnet, but whoever was holding it has disappeared!

BILL: Then maybe there isn't a gug-ghost after all!

The Goodies turn to go up a staircase and are horrified to see a headless man in period costume standing at the top, his head tucked underneath his arm. They shake in fear, Tim's knees knocking.