The Official Goodies Rule - OK! Fan Club Website

THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE

THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB

Issue No. 101 12th April 2004

TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> with UNSUBSCRIBE in the body of your message. If you are using multiple or forwarded e-mail addresses, please specify the e-mail address which you originally used when subscribing, otherwise we may not be able to remove you from the mailing list.

TO OBTAIN THIS NEWSLETTER IN E-MAIL TEXT FORM:

E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> requesting transfer to the E-mail mailing list.

http://www.goodiesruleok.com

E-MAIL ADDRESSES

Newsletter enquiries: clarion@goodiesruleok.com

General enquiries: enquiries@goodiesruleok.com

'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

- David Piper-Balston

COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER:

FAB FEATURE ARTICLE CONTRIBUTORS:

- Andrew Pixley, Lisa Manekofsky

C&G CONTRIBUTORS: Ian Greaves, Amy Rixon, Vicky Booker, Daniel Bowen, Joe

1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you

2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

3. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.

4. FEATURE ARTICLE 1 - Corbet Woodall - A Disjointed Life

5. FEATURE ARTICLE 2 - Cambridge Circus Review

6. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY - Earthanasia

7. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #28

8. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS

(by "Magnus Magnesium")

QUOTE: "It's the giant bagpipes spider. It's deadly! Keep absolutely still. One bite from that and you'll dance the Highland Fling until you drop dead!"

(a) Which Goodie says this quote?

(b) Who was the spider menacing?

QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode: "The Greenies"

(d) How does the vicar greet the Goodies at Penrudden Cove?

(e) Name any two of the other five businesses that the vicarage is also used for.

(f) Why have all of the other residents fled the village?

(g) What happens to Bill when he overdoes his lemon sherbet fix while spying on the army barracks?

(h) What does the army missile testing range end up looking like after the Goodies have altered the initial plans?

The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

LLEWELLYN LLEWELLYN LLEWELLYN LLEWELLYN

(by Daniel Bowen - Goodies-l - April 5th)

The official Doctor Who web site now has a clip of Jon Pertwee in The Goodies

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/clips/goodies.shtml

(from information contributed by Joe - April 6th)

Tim and Graeme are being interviewed on bbc7 at http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7/listenagain/friday/rams/0800.ram

However this link may no longer be available depending on how long BBC7 retains items in their archives.

3. 2001 AND A BIT

If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website),as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.

* The Lake District episode of "Bill Oddie Goes Wild" will be repeated on BBC 2 on Sunday, 28 March at 17:40

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - March 25th)

* 'UKTV Documentary' are repeating 'Bill Oddie Goes Wild' as a Double Bill at 6pm and 6.30pm on Saturdays from 3rd April. It's repeated an hour later on 'UKTV Documentary +1'.

(David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - April 1st)

* 'Bravo' are dusting down Bill's 'Detectives' episode (I'm amazed they haven't worn it out) at 3.05pm Thursday 8th April (and an hour later on 'Bravo +1'.

(David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - April 1st)

GRAEME SPOTTINGS

* From the BBC 7 newsletter:

On Sunday at 11am (rpt 1am), Max Miller is the subject of There'll Never Be Another, a series hosted by Graeme Garden which pays tribute to some of our greatest comedians. With clips of the cheeky Max in action and contributions from Michael Grade, George Melly, Barry Cryer, Kevin Day, Jimmy Casey, Roy Hudd, Josie Lawrence, Harry Hill, Clive Allen, Nicholas Parsons, it's a fascinating programme.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - March 19th)

* Noticed this article on the 1960s sketch show Twice A Fortnight (starring Graeme and Bill) on the BBC website. It's part of the BBC's extensive Guide To Comedy site, which features short descriptions of just about every comedy you can remember (and a whole lot you can't).

http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/guide/articles/t/twiceafortnight_1299003208.shtml

It is also printed in the new edition of Mark Lewisohn's "Radio Times Guide To TV Comedy"

(from information by Alison Bean and Ian Greaves - Goodies-l - March 23rd)

* Graeme hosts additional episodes of the radio show "There'll Never Be Another" on BBC7 the next two Sundays (28th March and 4th April). Each episode will air at 11:00 and be repeated at 1:00am Monday morning. The first episode is about Frankie Howerd, the second is a tribute to Benny Hill.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - March 25th)

* Another of Graeme's 1997 appearances on "Quote Unquote" will be broadcast on BBC7 on Wed, 7th April at 12:00 and 19:00.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - March 25th)

* Although it's the last Hamish & Dougal tonight on Radio 4, it's replaced next week at 11 by the start of Beat The Kids. Described by the radio 4 site as:

"Ask the Family meets The Simpsons, in a new comedy panel game celebrating family life. Chaired by Graeme Garden. With Arthur Smith, Claire Skinner, Kevin Eldon and Linda Smith."

(Vicky Booker - Goodies-l - March 31st)

* Tim & Graeme's interview on "In Conversation With" is being repeated on BBC7 on Friday 7 April at 8:00 and 22:30 then again on Saturday, 3 April at 4:00.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - March 25th)

* Tim's appearance on "Masterchef" is being repeated multiple times on UKTV Food and UKTV Food Plus 1 on April 3rd and 4th.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - March 25th)

'Golf Clubs With Tim-Brooke Taylor' will be getting an airing early mornings at 2.30am Tuesday to Saturday mornings from Tuesday 20th April on the UK 'Discovery Home and Leisure'.

(David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - April 4th)

* As reported in their 25th March newsletter, BBC 7 plans to begin its Audio on Demand service on 5th April. As many of you know, BBC7 airs "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" (with all three Goodies) and "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" (with Tim and Graeme) each week.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - March 25th)

* It is the 40th anniversary of "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" on Saturday 3rd April (the radio show that stars Tim, Graeme and Bill). To celebrate this, BBC7 will be airing the very first "ISIRTA" show (which, incidently, was first aired on the 3rd April 1964). You can hear it at 12:30 and at 19:30. Or, if you live in Australia, you can hear it at 21:30 on Saturday and 4:30 Sunday morning - eek!. This is in addition to the normal ISIRTA show that BBC7 airs on Friday.

(Amy Rixon - Goodies-l - March 29th)

* We should also mention that this Friday's edition of ISIRTA will actually be the hour-long 25th Anniversary show. This show was released on one of the BBC Audio collections (ISIRTA Vol. 2, I think) but that version is actually about 2 minutes shorter than the original broadcast version. I'll be interested to see which version BBC7 airs.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - March 31st)

4. FEATURE ARTICLE 1

Corbet Woodall - A Disjointed Life

Transcribed by Andrew Pixley

As an arthritis sufferer, I recently came across an obscure volume published in 1980 entitled "A Disjointed Life" about one man's adjustment to a life afflicted by the condition. The author was none other than Corbet Woodall, the former BBC newsreader and reporter who frequently appeared in this very capacity in episodes of "The Goodies". Corbet had gone freelance from the BBC in 1967, but his active career was soon halted when the rheumatoid condition struck. However, Corbet had fond memories of one trio who did continue to supply him with work, as he recalled in Chapter Six.

"There are many people in the BBC to whom I have cause to be grateful for using me as a voice or a face or both over the arthritic years, but none more than the Goodies, by name Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie. They have put together many vastly entertaining series and, many years back, dubbed me as the official Goodies Newsreader. With great generosity, they would write a small newsreader's part into the episode, and I would perform it for them. On one occasion, it nearly ended in disaster for me.

"It was a Christmas special called 'The Goodies and the Beanstalk', extremely funny, which did very well at the television festival in Montreux. I won't go into the plot, but at one point in the story there is an extraordinary procession. It began with me, sitting at a mock-up news desk on wheels, then followed by a bath containing a naked girl and the three Goodies plus, for some reason, a Girl Guide mistress, and finally, a seventy foot long beanstalk made to look amazingly realistic by Roger Murray-Leach - of the Special Effects department. This bizarre gathering had to move and, as you can imagine, required a lot of space, especially as I had to break away from the procession by going down a different road. Eventually a suitable site was found, much to the surprise of the local citizenry, in Weymouth. I travelled down by train from Waterloo in the morning and, after a pub lunch, we started to record the sequence. I took up my position, tightly wedged into this moving desk, which had the inevitable telephone on it and, having been given a gentle shove, began to move. What neither Jim Franklyn, the producer, nor I had realised was that I was on a left-handed slope, which got rapidly steeper, at the end of which was a really uncompromising-looking brick wall. I gathered speed rapidly and must have hit that wall at a good twenty-five miles per hour. As I was hardly able to walk anyway, I was quite unable to stop myself. The Goodies and Jim must have covered the hundred yards or so involved in record time; they were almost more relieved than I was to find me in one piece. I am still not sure how I would have stood from the insurance point of view, had I been hurt!

"I well remember watching the programme when it finally came out on Christmas Day; the sheer look of terror on my face, which was supposed to be there anyway, because of the script, was very far from faked; only I, and a handful of others, knew exactly why. This episode was recorded many years ago, and has done so well that even now I am still getting repeat fees in the post - the most recent one was for 84 pence!"

5. FEATURE ARTICLE 2

"CAMBRIDGE CIRCUS" REVIEW

(contributed by Lisa Manekofsky)

In 1963 Tim and Bill appeared in the Cambridge Footlights' revue "Cambridge Circus", which eventually moved to radio and became "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" (Graeme joined the cast of the radio show in 1965). Since April 2004 marks the 40th anniversary of ISIRTA we thought we'd take you back to the beginning and present a review of "Cambridge Circus" which appeared in September 1963 issue of "Plays and Players" playguide.

Revue, by members of Cambridge University Dramatic Society, First London performance at the New Arts Theatre Club on July 10, 1963. Directed by Humphrey Barclay. Music by Hugh MacDonald and Bill Oddie. Cast: Anthony Buffery; Tim Brooke-Taylor; John Cleese; David Hatch; Jo Kendall; Bill Oddie; Chris Stuart-Clark.

Review by Frank Cox:

The image of this year's Cambridge University Footlights Revue is a surprisingly different one. Belying its satirical origins, this latest offering from the world of student humour has an altogether unfamiliar appearance, a countenance which glows unexpectedly with warm, unfashionable good-nature, its comedy aiming directly for the old-fashioned belly laugh while, significantly, as its star performer it boasts of Bill Oddie no embryo Miller or Frost, but rather a first-rate pop-singer of stunning accomplishment.

Rarely sick or nasty in any way, scorning sophistication the revue seems determined to recognize no social obligation, and remains obstinately committed only to the cause of unsubtle laughter; Mr Macmillan escapes without mention, the Bomb might not exist, but Agatha Christie, Bill Shakespeare and the Old Testament take quiet a beating. Of course, the material doesn't restrict itself wholly within these bounds, but where it does become more adventurous, as in a sketch on the Secret Service or in a soliloquy by a Boys' Club vicar (an unabashed piece of plagiarism, this) all style and gusto desert the performance, which becomes instead forced, almost dutiful.

Where the company excels is in the big silly moments, in which the show fortunately abounds; in particular there's an uproarious trial-scene at the end of the programme in which layer after layer of incongruity is piled on to the proceedings, culminating at least on the second night irresistibly in the arrival of the key witness, a dwarf too tiny to be visible above the sides of the witness box.

Of the other high scoring items, the two 'Great Moments in British Theatre' raised laughs in plenty, though incidentally the clear superiority of the Oscar Wilde parody over the Christie one emphasized how much more productive are such attacks when they are directed against the more worthy type of objective. The former sketch also gained through Tim Brooke-Taylor's wickedly throaty impersonation of Edith Evans' Lady Bracknell. Otherwise the evening belonged, without question, to Mr Oddie, whose singing technique, exploited here only too briefly, combines to rich effect the tongue-in-cheek insolence of Anthony Newley, with an individual brand of deadpan exertion which puts many a professional warbler in the shade.

6. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

First screened: 22nd December 1977

Christmas Eve has arrived, so Graeme busily decorates the Christmas tree (and also has fun operating a flashing angel perched at the top!) as Bill careers in on his new skateboard and sends the tree crashing unceremoniously to the floor. Bill has bought the skateboard as a present to himself but Graeme has also bought himself a handy gift - a skateboard destruction kit which is soon put to good use, but despite this, they promise not to have any rows at Christmas and to enjoy it if it's the last thing they do.

They tune into the carol service on the radio at 11.30 pm, but it is soon interrupted by an important announcement that the world will end at midnight. Due to ever worsening problems like overpopulation and pollution, the world leaders have agreed that there is no point in going on and will combine their military forces to blow the Earth up in half an hour from now. Bill intends to fill in his final 27 1/2 minutes of life with an orgy of self-indulgence, but Graeme is stunned and doesn't know what to do, as he has accomplished virtually every weird thing that a loony scientist can achieve!

Tim enters wearing a sandwich board with the prophetic slogan "The End Of The World Is Nigh" written on it, as he has been out promoting his hot chestnut stall (with the even more nifty slogan of 'Tim's nuts are nicest' for good measure!), but as yet he is unaware of the world's impending demise. He is incredibly excited about Christmas and Santa's arrival, so Graeme can't bear to tell him the bad news, but Bill is fed up with mollycoddling Tim and breaks it to him in less than gentle fashion, which causes Tim to have a major panic attack.

Bill is fed up with these shenanigans and wants to go out and enjoy his final 20 minutes, but Tim begs him to come back for Christmas which Graeme has brought forward to 11.56. Bill doesn't plan to come back (especially with Jane Fonda all revved up and ready to go!), so they try to have Christmas at 11.42 before he leaves, but miss it in the rush. Graeme reschedules the next Christmas (1978) to 11.43, but Tim and Bill complain that they have missed their birthdays and another Christmas drifts past while they argue, which causes Graeme to declare that 11.56 will be Christmas after all (for 1980!)

Bill goes out briefly and leaves Tim and Graeme to contemplate their sins (or lack of, in Tim's case) before he returns and acts as priest to hear Tim's feeble confessions, then tries to strangle him in a sinful fit of anger. Graeme objects to Bill being the only person having any fun (and has a turn at choking Tim too!) but then decides to devote the rest of his life (a whole 12 minutes!) to trying to remove Tim's inhibitions and turn him into a new person (as Bill wants Graeme to turn Tim into Jane Fonda to save him a taxi fare!). Graeme finds that Tim has a huge hangup about something hidden deep beneath his Union Jack waistcoat - his belly button! - and uses hypnosis and Bill dressed up as Tim's mother to regress Tim back to his childhood. However this makes Tim's shame and inhibitions even worse, as Bill bears an uncanny resemblance to his mother, especially the bushy beard!

Bill exits in a less than joyous mood and Tim decides to spend his last eight minutes doing the ironing, as he laments that it's the end for Derby County and the Muppets, who he hopes won't suffer. Graeme incredulously points out that the Muppets are just dollies with the use of a green sock as Kermit, a pair of y-fronts and a mop head as Miss Piggy and a woolly jumper with a hat as Fozzie (plus some brilliant mimicry) and this revelation is enough to send Tim berserk. He charges at Graeme and flattens him with the stove in a fit of rage (ruining the Christmas cake in the process!) just as Graeme celebrates his final triumph, of having freed Tim of his inhibitions, and can now die a happy man.

Graeme calls a cab at 11.54 in a bid to join the revellers in Trafalgar Square (as the Royal family blast off in a rocket ship), but won't be picked up for another ten minutes yet! Bill enters dressed unrecognisably in a suit and shiny shoes (and with his beard shaved off!) in an attempt to show his true self to Tim (which prompts Graeme to remark "You vicious swine!") and shocks Graeme even further when he reveals that his luxurious coiffure is really a long haired Peruvian gerbil that disguises a rather large bald patch on his pate. However Tim enters completely cured of his inhibitions, flaunts his belly button for all to see and wastes little time in speaking his mind and giving Bill a verbal and physical hammering (even calling Graybags "buggerlugs" for good measure!), with Bill not game to go out to enjoy his last few minutes looking like that in any case!

The hostilities are temporarily put aside at 11.56 for a Christmas celebration and all three sing a jolly medley of carols while they pluck piles of feathers from a shrunken turkey and perform the annual ritual of exchanging presents (as Bill gets Tim's dirty socks which are not to be sniffed at!). No-one can think of anything nice to say about each other and the clock ticks over to midnight, as Tim and Bill cower under the table, only for Graeme to chuckle fiendishly when the world doesn't end after all. He's played a silly joke on them - and put the clock forward by half a minute! Then BOOM ..... (not even any credits!)

* Graeme (about filling in his final minutes): "But I've done everything. I mean, I'm not a creature of the flesh like you. I'm a loony scientist and I've done it all. Giant kittens ... monster cods ... Eddie Waring impressions ... (babble, babble)!"

* Bill (angrily shouting): "But on the other hand, as you well know tomorrow never comes and do you know why? Because little dewy eyed Timbo, tomorrow we'll all be dead! Dead, dead, D-E-D-D DEAD!!"

Graeme: "You might have broken it to him gently!"

* Tim (in mad panic): "Where are my shiny shoes?! I want to die with my shiny shoes on! I'm a teapot! I'm a teapot ...!"

* Tim: "Is there a heaven? Is there a hell? We've got to stop and think about our sins."

Bill: "I've already thought of mine. I just have to go and do them!"

* Graeme (to Bill who is choking Tim): "Stop it!"

Bill: "I'll kill him!"

Graeme: "You'll get life imprisonment."

Bill (looks at clock): "Twelve minutes. Well worth it!"

Graeme: "What I resent is the fact that you're the only person in here having any fun."

Bill:" I don't call this fun."

Graeme (enthusiastically): "I do!"

(as he takes over strangling Tim!)

* Bill (lifting Tim's shirt):"Behold, the belly button"

Graeme: "And what is that?"

Tim: "It's an A-string"

Graeme: "And WHAT is an A-string?!"

Tim: "It's a G-string but a little higher up!"

* Graeme: "Then there's aversion therapy, but I dunno, I've been put off that!"

* Graeme (after Tim has charged at him with the stove): "You shouldn't have hit me with that!! You've ruined the cake!"

* Tim: "Season of good will? Hah! Good swill, more like!" (downs a keg of beer)

* Bill bowling over Graeme's carefully decorated Christmas tree after a reckless ride on his skateboard only for Graeme to unveil an early present of his own - a skateboard destruction kit - with Bill's skateboard being unceremoniously smashed with a hammer, shot to pieces with a gun, lobbed in a rubbish bin and finally detonated with an explosive charge, although Bill gets some small measure of revenge by using the gun to pot a decorative bird on top of the Christmas cake.

* Tim being incredibly soppy about Christmas, listening for sleigh bells, putting out a glass of brandy (an early present for Bill!) and a note for Santa requesting a Union Jack corset and his own personal Concord and asking for a chimney (to which Bill obliges by violently bashing a hole in the wall), only to go absolutely loopy when he realises that the world will end at midnight.

* Tim and Graeme pausing to think about their sins, with Graeme smirking and snickering away over some very fond memories while Tim sits there quietly and can't think of any, and Bill goes out to commit a few more sins of his own before returning and acting as a priest to hear Tim's deeds of darkness which include tucking his shirt into his undies and blowing off in the bath!

* Graeme's attempts at curing Tim of his hangup over his belly button with expert help from Bill dressed up as Tim's old mother (complete with the same voice, clothes and beard!), followed soon after by Graeme revealing to Tim that the Muppets are just items of laundry with brilliant impersonations, including Kermit the frog singing "Half way up the staircase ...", causing Tim to completely flip his wig and overcome his inhibitions by throwing a stove at Graeme in anger.

* The fun and games and mass confusion caused by Graeme bringing Christmas forward to 11.42, missing it and rescheduling it for 11.43 with Tim and Bill complaining about not having their birthdays, leading to Christmas being missed again during all of the arguments about slotting birthdays in and resulting in a decision to have Christmas (1980!) at 11.56, just before the world blows up.

* Bill viciously revealing his true self; a man of shiny shoes, smart suits, no facial fungus and a closet Kojak wearing a Peruvian gerbil as a toupee, only to be upstaged by a crass obnoxious Tim who returns with his belly button exposed through a gaping hole in his t-shirt (and highlighted by arrows pointing to it), ridiculing Bill, kneeing him in the groin and giving his smelly socks as a Christmas gift ("No socks please, we're British!") after all three have belted out a medley of Christmas carols while plucking a mountain of feathers from a tiny Christmas turkey!

* Many cameo pieces of 'black humour' like Graeme considering claiming the end of the world on his insurance, Bill's final oddie-sey of self-gratification including a quick fling with Jane Fonda and licking the chocolate off two dozen Mars bars, Tim using his last few precious minutes to do the ironing, Graeme booking a cab to Trafalgar Square at 11.54 before realising that it would take 10 minutes to pick him up and his final mean trick where he puts the clock forward half a minute so that it looks like they've escaped the big bang!

Another of the classic 'trapped with nowhere to go' episodes filmed on the one set with only the three Goodies and no fancy visual effects or manic chase scenes; just half an hour of superbly funny 'black humour' and brilliant character portrayals.

BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:

IIII - Officially amazing.

III - Goody goody yum yum.

II - Fair-y punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

May Episode Summary –

7. GOODIES COR COMICS SYNOPSIS #28

14, July, 1973 No. 51

During the summer months, Cor!! comics would tend to be about summer activities and events, and this would be the Goodies third visit to the seaside this year. Not every sketch the Goodies filmed worked as well as they might have liked, but typically there were shining moments in every episode to make them well worthwhile. Can the same be said for the Cor!! comics, though?

Cover banner: "Goody-Goody! TV Stars "The Goodies" Appear Inside!"

Header: THE GOODIES' PLAN TO SELL IRONING BOARDS FALLS "FLAT"!

We find the Goodies pedalling their trandem to the South Coast with a wagon-load of ironing boards in tow. A seagull has made itself comfortable on top of the boards.

BILL: The things people dump in the country making it look untidy ... fifty government surplus ironing boards ... but we'll get rid of 'em!

The Goodies arrive at the beach carrying the ironing boards (Bill walks face first into one that Graeme is carrying, causing him to drop one of his boards on Tim's foot. Tim jumps as he struggles to hold onto the boards he is carting). A group of excited beachgoers come running as Graeme makes his announcement.

GRAEME: Surf boards for sale! Dirt cheap!

SURFER #1: I'll have one!

Most of the surfers rush into the water with their boards, but one younger surfer stands on a board on the sand as Bill stands nearby.

YOUNGER SURFER: Er ... I'd *like* one ... but, er ... my *feet* are too small! Er ... I might fall off!

BILL: Feet too small? Soon deal with that, mate!

Bill pulls out a flatiron and starts doing something around the surfer's feet which we can't see yet.

Bill steps back to show he has ironed the young man's feet so they are exceptionally flat and long. The young surfer looks angry as an exclamation mark appears in a thought balloon above his head (at least he's faring better than the surfer chick who's being chased by a giant crab in the background!).

BILL: *There!* Now you won't fall off!

An old sea captain with a shirt that reads "Skylark" and a parrot on his shoulder appears and addresses the surfers, who listen with growing anger. The Goodies listen nervously.

CAPTAIN: Oy! You be wasting your money ... b'aint no surf in this part o' the English Channel! Never has been, never will be! *Ho, ho!*

The surfers turn on the Goodies and chase them into a small boat in the water. Several of them swing their boards as weapons at the fleeing trio.

SURFER #4: We've been swindled! Conned .. ! Done .. ! Flatten 'em with their rotten no-surf boards!

GRAEME: Er ... it's time we left! Quick ... into this boat!

The Goodies paddle away from the shore with the angry surfers paddling after them on their boards.

SURFER #5: Give us our money back!

GRAEME: They're coming after us! *Row! Row!*

The Goodies are now approaching the French side of the Channel in their boat. A large group of French holiday makers (all in sunglasses and berets, apparently) lounge on the shore.

TIM: Puff! Pant! COR!! We're near the French coast ... and those disappointed customers are catching up!

GRAEME: I've an idea!

Graeme stands up in the boat and starts shouting at the lounging Frenchmen, much to Tim and Bill's horror. The Frenchmen react with anger and exclamations of "Zut!"

GRAEME: VAH! FROGGIES! Soppy old Frenchies! Sacha Distel is tone deaf! Bring back Marie Antionette! Napoleon was a twit! Er ... the Eiffel Tower is an eyesore!

TIM: Eek! What's the big idea? You'll have that lot after us! We'll be trapped!

The angry (and not so lightweight) Frenchmen race for the water brandishing baguettes, bottles and French flags. They leap over the railing into the water below.

FRENCHMAN #1: Cheeky Engleeshmen!

FRENCHMAN #2: We'll show zem!

The Frenchmen all leap into the water in one bound, causing a huge wave which races toward the Goodies little boat.

GRAEME: Right! About turn and row!

The wave comes rushing toward them as Tim readies the oars. Bill is beginning to get seasick.

GRAEME: Here comes the BIG wave - caused by them jumping in! *Row! Row!* Back to England!

The Goodies ride the crest of the wave as it rushes toward the surfers, who look excited.

GRAEME: *Ahoy!* Get ready ... here comes the surf! By courtesy of The Goodies and ten thousand Frenchmen!

The surfers have a blast riding the wave back to England as the Goodies watch happily, Tim counting out the money they've made selling the boards.

SURFER #6: *Great!* These surfboards were worth the money after all!

SURFER #7: *Good old Goodies!*

BILL: *Phew!* We're home and dry at last!

TIM: Yes! Making money from surfing turned out to be plain *sailing* after all!

Sign-Off Line: "Sea" Next Week For More "Tide-ings" From The Goodies!

RATING (using the BLACK PUDDING RATING SYSTEM):

II - Fair-y punkmother.

This is essentially a one joke comic that has very little else going for it. While the artwork isn't bad it isn't as animated or inspired as some of the previous Goodies comics. Oddly enough Graeme is seen sporting his cap as he was sometimes drawn in the earlier published comics ... perhaps this one was penned early on and held back for the summer-themed months?

While the joke about selling the beachgoers ironing boards as surf boards and then producing a wave using a bunch of fat Frenchmen is a somewhat cute idea (albeit very politically incorrect in light of this day and age) it isn't enough to sustain a two page comic which is extremely weak on dialogue. There is a very sore lack of jokes and puns and often the dialogue only states what is obviously going on and should be clear from the drawings themselves. Graeme has a lion's share of the lines, so the balance seems very off for what is normally a well balanced exchange between the three characters.

There are a few jokes hidden in the background. In one panel a surfer can be see being chased from the water by a shark. A person is being thrown from a boat in the background as the old sea captain speaks. The words on the small boat the Goodies commandeer say Tender to "Yawning Crowd." On the French side of the channel a seagull is also wearing a beret and sunglasses. The headlines on a French newspaper read "Le Football: Paris 2, Corville 19" and "Brigette Bardot a Trowe la Plume de Ma Tante." The seagull with the beret is racing away from the wave as it races from the French shore (a pair of sunglasses is on the crest of the wave). Finally Bill is leaning far over the front of the boat as they ride the wave, apparently ready to be sick. Sadly these aren't enough to carry this strip so unfortunately it receives our lowest rating to date.

To view these strips online, you can visit this page:

http://members.aol.com/corcomics

We'll post the currently reviewed issue plus the two previous issues for latecomers.

8. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS

(d) By shooting Tim's hat off

(e) Post office, tearooms, dentist, police station and the Saucy Midwife massage and sauna!

(f) Because of strange goings-on from the army base on nearby Penrudden Hill

(g) He blows his mind (and the vicar's tv set, which he was hooked up to)

(h) A children's playground

8 Goodies fan supreme

7 Mastermind of the year