The Official Goodies Rule - OK! Fan Club Website

THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE

THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB

Issue No. 110 17th January 2005

TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> with UNSUBSCRIBE in the body of your message. If you are using multiple or forwarded e-mail addresses, please specify the e-mail address which you originally used when subscribing, otherwise we may not be able to remove you from the mailing list.

TO OBTAIN THIS NEWSLETTER IN E-MAIL TEXT FORM:

E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> requesting transfer to the E-mail mailing list.

http://www.goodiesruleok.com

E-MAIL ADDRESSES

Newsletter enquiries: clarion@goodiesruleok.com

General enquiries: enquiries@goodiesruleok.com

'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

- David Piper-Balston

COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER:

- Ian Greaves, Peter Wearden, Daniel Bowen, Michael Shaw

1. BOFFO IDEAS - News and club happenings

2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

3. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY - Football Crazy

5. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #37

Magnus Magnesium is having a nice relaxing one way trip, er ... holiday in Bognor at present, so Quiz and Quote will be back again in next month's edition.

You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail <enquiries@goodiesruleok.com>with your comments, ideas or suggestions - meanwhile these are the boffo ideas which our club has been working on this month:

Last month's final votes were:

*Which Goodies-inspired holiday gift would you like to receive?

- a skateboard - 2 votes

- a skateboard destruction kit - 59 votes

- a large quantity of Mars bars - 18 votes

- an engraved piece of cheese - 21 votes

- a Goodies t-shirt - 100 votes

- a new Goodies DVD - 171 votes

- a chance to see the Goodies in Australia - 378 votes

- Rolf Harris 79 votes

Nice to see Rolf not getting top billing for a change!

This month's poll at http://www.goodiesruleok.com is:

Who's your favourite Goodies villain?

The votes as of January 17th are:

- the plague of Rolf Harrises – 113 votes

- whichever Goody has gone loony that week – 49 votes

- Twinkle the giant kitten ("Kitten Kong") – 48 votes

- the giant Dougal – 34 votes

- the Music Master / Nasty Person – 26 votes

- Big Bunny – 26 votes

- the living construction equipment – 10 votes

- Doctor Petal ("Double Trouble) – 6 votes

- The Goodies' robot doubles – 5 votes

It looks as though I spoke too soon about Rolf ... sigh! As Goodies fans, we're supposed to hate him, not love him! To borrow a Graeme Garden quote from Almighty Cod, "Love him?! Good God, we're dealing with savages ...!"

GROK GOODIES MEMORABILIA AUCTION

From 24th January The Goodies Rule - OK! will be auctioning some rare Goodies merchandise as a fundraiser. The auction items include t-shirts, books and photographs and all are autographed by Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie.

The auctions will take place at our website, http://www.goodiesruleok.com/ .

To bid on the items you will need to be a registered user of The Goodies Rule - OK! website (registration is free).

At the time of going to press, the auctions site is not up and running, but it will be available soon from the site's main menu. Meanwhile here is the schedule for the first of the five auctions to whet your appetite. We look forward to your bids.

START DATE & TIME: 24th January 2005 @ 10am

END DATE & TIME: 30th January 2005 @ 1pm

ITEMS & STARTING PRICES:

Lot #1 - Autographed Goodies T-shirt (XL size) - $A49.99

Lot #2 - A Man's Best Friend Is His Duck/Taking My Oyster For Walkies/Rastashanty, 45 record by The Goodies - $A22.99

Lot #3 - The Goodies Scoutrageous B&W Photo - $A39.99

For further information about the auctions, please contact Alison Bean - bean_is_a_carrot@yahoo.com

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

GOODIES TOUR INTERVIEWS & SPOTTEDS

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-L - December 16th and 31st, January 9th)

(1) There's an interesting 8 minute long interview with John Pinder, the organizer of the Goodies tour, at http://www.abc.net.au/goldcoast/stories/s1266546.htm . The club's website even gets a mention, and for those of you wondering, the band that Graeme's son is in, whose name John couldn't remember, is the Scissor Sisters.

(2) The Goodies upcoming tour in Australia is mentioned in an article at http://www.thestage.co.uk/news/newsstory.php/5867 . This page has a 1977 publicity photo of the guys with their children (the little boy with the balloon was the son of a friend).

The article erroneously says that 5,000 copies of the Goodies DVD were sold in Australia last year (the figure should have been 50,000).

(3) Article about Goodies tour in The Independent (a British newspaper):

http://news.independent.co.uk/media/story.jsp?story=599111

After 23 years, the Goodies will ride again - but only in Australia

By Anthony Barnes, Arts and Media Correspondent

More than two decades after they parked up their three-seater "trandem" for good, one of the most celebrated slapstick comedy acts of the Seventies, the Goodies, will ride again.

The trio - who fought each other with tomato ketchup, mastered the Lancastrian marital art of Ecky Thump and created a giant kitten which demolished London - will reunite for their first tour in March. However, it will be seen only by their fanbase in Australia, where the shows have continued to be screened.

With the motto "Anything anytime", Bill Oddie, Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor would perform a variety of zany tasks each week, first for the BBC and then ITV, until the series was axed in 1982 after 12 years.

Oddie went on to become the face of BBC wildlife broadcasting, while the others continue to work on television and radio in a variety of guises, including team captains on Radio 4's I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue. Much to their chagrin, the shows are never repeated apart from a rare sighting of The Goodies and the Beanstalk on Channel Five over Christmas.

Now they will perform together for the first time since the series was dumped - due to a change in the regime at ITV - with 12 shows planned in Australia.

Garden said: "We want to do bits from our earlier shows that people will not have seen or heard before because the tapes no longer exist. We might give them a taste of that by actually doing them live.

"We're all intrigued by the idea. It's quite tempting to think that if it isn't any good no one will actually hear about it at home - but I suspect they will.

(4) By Jonathon Moran, National Entertainment Writer

Australian Associated Press, who has kindly given his permission for the reproduction of this article in the C&G.

Tim Brooke-Taylor doesn't want The Goodies to be seen as "sad old men".

It's been 23 years since Brooke-Taylor, Bill Oddie and Graeme Garden have performed as The Goodies, and Brooke-Taylor said they don't want to be seen as "sad old men like the pop group getting back together and playing to half empty halls".

The trio, who have a cult-like following around the world, will perform their first show together since 1981 in Sydney next March.

They will play the Big Laugh Comedy Festival in Parramatta before embarking on a three-date national tour.

"We don't want to make too many promises, just for it to be a good evening," Brooke-Taylor told AAP from the United Kingdom.

The Goodies, who were known by their own names, first aired on the BBC in November 1970 and ran for 12 years.

They sought to save the world from such bizarre threats as a marauding giant kitten and a plague of Rolf Harrises.

Brooke-Taylor was best known for bearing the Union Jack and being a staunch royalist.

"You never quite know what is going to happen, especially when you are being silly and sort of satirical at the same time - it is a difficult mixture," he said.

"We took a risk and I am very pleased a lot of people came along with us."

Since the early 1980s, Brooke-Taylor and Garden have continued to work in comedy while Oddie is known as "Britain's most famous bird watcher", hosting a number of wildlife programs.

The three men have maintained a strong friendship and Brooke-Taylor said the live stage show would be a mix of insights and reminisces, sketches and clips with tall tales and audience talkback.

"We are still working on how to put our ideas together," he said.

"But we are already giggling and that is always a good sign.

"We are aiming at a nostalgic evening with bits of Goodies and bits of stories and us making fools of ourselves."

Brooke-Taylor puts The Goodies' success down to the strong relationship he shared with his co-stars.

"I am incredibly proud of The Goodies and we worked very well together as a team," he said.

"We were around at a time when television was willing to take more risks than it is now unfortunately."

That said, he doesn't think The Goodies would ever return for another TV series.

"The other two say no now, but I have always said yes," he said.

"We always got badly hurt because we were so stupid not to employ stuntmen and would always end up with bruises and gashes."

The Goodies will perform at the comedy festival in Sydney on March 3 and 4 before performing dates independently in Melbourne, Canberra and Brisbane.

Graeme Garden has sent us the following request all the way from the Pirate Post Office:

"For the Australian tour we are asking anyone who's interested to email us their questions, and we'll answer the most interesting/amusing ones on stage.

The address for questions is: goodies_biglaugh@yahoo.com.au "

So by all means send in the most interesting Goodies-related questions that you can come up with; however please note that your e-mails will be going to the tour organiser rather than directly to the Goodies themselves, therefore please send questions only and not personal correspondence, autograph requests etc.

SECOND GOODIES DVD

(from information contributed to Goodies-l by Alison Bean (December 17th), Ian Greaves (December 17th), Lisa Manekofsky (January 10th)

There's a little more information about the 2nd DVD plus the cover art at The Mausoleum Club (http://www.the-mausoleum-club.org.uk/ ). Go to the Available Archive Stuff of the Forum and click on the thread called "Advance Warning: Goodies DVD volume 2 (Network)" or via the direct link: http://www.the-mausoleum-club.org.uk/xmb/viewthread.php?tid=7787

It appears that the second Goodies DVD will be released on 3rd March. While we haven't confirmed this date with the distributor it is showing up on various retailers' websites (this is also the date of the first Goodies show in Sydney).

The title and artwork of the Australian Vol. 2 is still forthcoming. EzyDVD changed the title from "6 Delicious Episodes" to "Vol. 2: 8 Delicious Episodes" but still show the "6" artwork (http://www.ezydvd.com.au/item.zml/229377 ). While it's only a guess on my part, I'd think they would want to change the title a bit to avoid confusion with the first release (even if they just call this one "Another 8 Delicious Episodes" or something like that).

PlanetDVD hasn't updated the title or artwork on their site but they do show the new release date - http://www.planetdvd.com.au/dvdinf.asp?i=7472&cs=9722PVBDLOCOWKHS

We expect this set to have the same contents as the UK DVDs being released by Network on 14 February.

GOODIES INFLUENCE LANO & WOODLEY

(Peter Wearden - Goodies-l - December 18th)

Mainly for the Australians out there, but I just got hold of the "Complete Adventures of Lano and Woodley" DVD (they're an Australian comedy duo who do a lot of slapstick).

In an interview with the two of them, Frank Woodley talks about being inspired by the Goodies when younger, and having a dream to be on TV like the Goodies. He claims they're not quite like the Goodies, more like the "Slightly above averagies" then does a "Slightly Above Averagies, Average, Average, Yum Yum".

I know it's a tenuous reference, but it was good to see.

(Daniel Bowen - Goodies-l - December 19th)

Not such a tenuous connection actually, courtesy of Bob Spiers...

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0818639/

3. 2001 AND A BIT

If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website),as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.

* BBC7 will be repeating "Tony Hawks 12 Days of Christmas" which features Bill on Monday 20th at 8am, 10.30pm and 4am (the early hours of Tuesday 21st.) It was first broadcast Boxing Day 2001 on Radio 4.

"Tony Hawks is an incurable romantic. And, because of that, he's decided to make something of an effort for his girlfriend this Christmas. He's decided to collect everything on the list in the song The 12 Days of Christmas. But how easy will it be to convince ten lords to leap? How do you go about getting maids to milk these days? And just how does Bill Oddie fit into all of this?"

(David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - December 18th)

* A new show entitled "Bill Oddie's How to Watch Wildlife" will start on Friday 7th January on BBC 2 at 20:30. I believe there will be 8 episodes in this series.

Here's a listing for the first episode:

"March in the Borders.

Bill Oddie gives advice on how to watch wildlife in Dumfries and Galloway, from the thousands of geese and swans that make this their winter home to the red squirrels, porpoises and red kites that are here all year round."

A companion book for the series is due to be released on 7 February (though Amazon.co.uk says the book will ship in 2-3 days while they still list the 7th Feb publication date - perhaps the release date was moved up to coincide with the new series).

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - December 31st)

* I spotted this on the Yahoo Bill Oddie group:

Date: Tue, 04 Jan 2005 16:32:44 -0000

Subject: Bill on This Morning

Bill's on the circuit marketing his upcoming book - he was on This Morning today - I don't know how long he was on for - I tuned in, not knowing he was on the show, and there he was in the middle of the chat, with a bird table, piece of bark and a magnifying glass and talking about earwigs curling round their little pearl eggs. He was full of compliments for the team which produced the Who Do You Think You Are programme.

I presume he'll appear on Richard and Judy - maybe even today, seeing as he's doing the rounds.

Does anyone know of any future shows he's likely to appear on?

The new book is a tie-in to Bill's new show "Bill Oddie's How to Watch Wildlife" which starts this Friday (7th January). Presumably he's promoting the show as well as the book.

It's probably worth checking this week's Radio Times and newspapers to look for articles about the new series.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - January 5th)

* Unfortunately we didn't hear about this show before it appeared, but apparently Bill was part of the panel in a Channel 4 show called "The Comedians' Comedian" that aired on 1st January (I guess we can watch for a repeat).

Here's a blurb about the show from The Daily Llama (a very good Monty Python

site) http://www.dailyllama.com/news/2005/llama270.html

COMEDY EXPERTS SAY PYTHON MEMBERS AMONG GREATEST COMICS OF ALL TIME

Sunday, 2 January 2005

John Cleese has been voted the second greatest comic of all time, after Peter Cook - so say the comedy experts. More than 300 comedians, comedy writers, producers and directors in the United States as well as Britain were asked to rank the 50 biggest names in comedy.

Eric Idle also made the list at #21, as did Michael Palin at #30.

Cook was named the world's most talented comedian, followed by Cleese in second place, then American film-maker Woody Allen and the late Eric Morecambe.

The list of 50 top comedians was compiled for the Channel 4 show The Comedians' Comedian, which aired January 1, 2005 and was hosted by Jimmy Carr. Those who contribute to the program include Mike Myers, Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer, Jackie Mason, Joan Rivers, Sid Ceasar, David Baddiel, Barry Cryer, Steven Wright, Bill Oddie, Eric Sykes, Harry Shearer, Greg Proops, Leslie Neilsen and Carl Reiner. The show aired at 9:00 PM and ran for 3 hours.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - January 5th)

* From http://www.hamhigh.co.uk/content/hamhigh/news/story.aspx?brand=northlondon24&category=newshamhigh&tBrand=northlondon24&tCategory=newshamhigh&itemid=WeED06%20Jan%202005%2015%3A01%3A09%3A287

Stars to join bus stand protest

editorial@hamhigh.co.uk

CELEBRITIES will join residents in South End Green tomorrow to protest against Camden Council's plan to extend the 168 bus stand.

Actress Janet Suzman and TV stars Esther Rantzen and Bill Oddie will speak at the protest, which will start at 11.30am on South End Green.

Tony Hillier, Chair of the Heath and Hampstead Society, said: "In this instance Camden have reacted in an unreasonable way. We fully support the protest."

Pam Gilby, spokeswoman for local watchdogs the South End Green Association (SEGA), has sent a warning to councillor John Thane, Camden's executive member for the environment. She said: "You haven't seen anything yet. You have unleashed a protest, which you might come to wish you hadn't.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - January 7th)

* An article at http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/4163943.stm about ITV1's new "Poll Idols" series (a Pop Idol style talent contest for would-be politicians) says "Among the more eccentric policy proposals was a public holiday on Bruce Forsyth's birthday and Bill Oddie for prime minister."

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - January 11th)

* Bill Oddie will be talking about the book "Wind in the Willows" on BBC 2 on Sunday 23rd January on BBC 2 from 17:45 to 17:55.

Here's a listing for the show: "Bill Oddie takes a journey into the wild world behind his favourite book - The Wind in the Willows, which he chose for The Big Read. Where did Kenneth Graham get the inspiration for the river bank and those four famous characters Ratty, Moley, Badger and Toad? Bill will reveal all in this charming and often quite personal look at the tale behind the story."

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - January 13th)

* BBC 2 will also be repeating "Secret Squirrels" again on Sunday 16th January from 17:45 to 17:55 (10 minutes long). In that show, "Bill Oddie looks at one of the last remaining strongholds in the country for red squirrels. How Formby in Merseyside has remained a home for Britain's native squirrel, which has steadily become outnumbered by greys."

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - January 13th)

* BBC website is currently showing the clip Dead Ringers did of Bill Oddie.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/guide/articles/d/video_clips/deadringers_66601180_7shtml

GRAEME SPOTTINGS

* Graeme Garden appears in the January 2005 issue of Esquire magazine (the UK edition with Colin Farrell on the cover) as part of an article on the 25 Funniest Men in Britain.

Here's Graeme's entry:

"He's here because he's the fastest wit of the lightening-speed team on Radio 4's 'I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue', probably the most consistently entertaining show being made. Garden devised it himself 32 years ago; for him, the secret of its success is that "it's never compromised, it's just what it is - old chums getting together, a sort of dining club." But don't underestimate the long-forgotten 'The Goodies', his Seventies hit which transplanted sketch-show humour into a half-hour story and has influenced everything from 'The Young Ones' to 'Little Britain' ("Riding a tandem dressed as ladies - ring any bells?"). But Garden doesn't need us to tell him he's still at the top of his game. "It's very flattering to be in Esquire's Top 25," he says, polite as you like, "but I heard the other day that Matt Groening's favourite British comedy is 'I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue'." That's us told, then.

Funniest Moment? Probably right now - tune into ISIHAC on Radio 4, Mondays at 6.30pm or Sundays at 12 noon.

What's Next? Writing for radio and TV, including Rory Bremner, R4's 'Giles Wemmbley Hogg Goes Off', plays and children's shows, plus books and "a stage revue with classical music". Another 'Goodies' DVD is due, and his new production company, Random, is now in talks with Radio 4."

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-L - December 28th)

* Christmas editions 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue' (1995) and 'Hello Cheeky - Cheeky Whittington and His Magic Ballpoint' (1976) featuring Tim will be played on 'Barry Cryer's Christmas Selection Box' BBC7 Christmas Day Saturday 25th December at 8am, 9pm and 3am (Sunday 26th December)

The show is three hours long but I would guess 'ISIHAC' will be at 8am, 9pm and 3am with 'Hello Cheeky' at 10.30am, 11.30pm and 5.30am.

(David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - December 19th)

* Tim Brooke-Taylor briefly appeared as a talking head in the Channel 4 documentary The Unseen Eric Morecambe on 3rd January.

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE (ISIHAC) &

I'M SORRY I'LL READ THAT AGAIN (ISIRTA)

* The following is an excerpt from BBC 7's newsletter from 7th January, explaining that due to some technical problems they're going to repeat the "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" Christmas special on 11th March.

"However, on ploughing through some of the several hundred e-mails sent to BBC 7 over the holiday period, I was sorry to read so many from frustrated listeners who had been looking forward to listening to the Christmas Special of I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again and also The Importance of Being Earnest on Listen Again, and found that they could only access part of the programmes.Unfortunately it was an error on our part.

My sincere apologies for this, and to compensate, I have re-scheduled the ISIRTA Christmas Special for Friday 11th March (which is, appropriately, Comic Relief Day). I will also repeat The Importance of Being Earnest in an Oscar Wilde season planned for April."

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-L - January 11th)

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

First screened: 16th January 1982

Bill the football hooligan is in fine voice at a crowded match, as he gives the referee plenty of stick before he turns his wrath on a player who hits the deck heavily after being tackled. Not only does he heap abuse on the player from the stands for faking injury, he also turns up in the hospital operating theatre and gives the guy another earful while undergoing emergency surgery and then also bobs up at the cemetary to jump on the poor fellow's grave, still demanding that he get up and stop faking his injury!

Tim and Graeme are watching television and are warned by the announcer that the following program is unsuitable for those with a nervous disposition - The Big Game soccer coverage. Tim is clad in his Derby County gear and is horrified as the commentators only talk about the violence of the soccer players and their supporters. He remarks that football just isn't what it used to be - because they used to play with a ball, which sets off some rather confused reminiscing with Graeme about the equipment used in various sports!.

After Bill is presented with the 'Twerp Of The Month Award' for the most mindless football fan (as he declares that he wants a transfer to Spain because the police there have riot shields, masks and guns and therefore present more of a challenge for him!) and the police announce that they refuse to work at footy matches any more, Tim strips off his footy garb to reveal his new role as the Chief Of Police in charge of football hooliganism, whose duty is to rid the terraces of mindless yobbos like Bill (who takes an instant dislike to the new image, yells "The Fuzz!" and charges at Tim, who sidesteps and sends him straight through the wall of the office!).

Tim blames this sort of behaviour on the sexy clothing and hairstyles sported by modern footballers and changes the rules to bring back long shorts and canvas shirts with enormous collars, bans flowing hair (so that all players must wear a cap or be bald ), stops all kissing and cuddling on the field and finally, limits the number of spectators to only one for easier crowd control! The game takes place before a capacity crowd (just Bill!), but with little action as Tim sends a player off who mouths "damn" after he misses a goal and finally a penalty is given after a player removes his hat. The resultant goal leads to a lavish celebration among all players and hair cascades freely once several hats and skin wigs are removed until Tim sends them all off, as Bill goes utterly berserk in the stands from sheer boredom and despair.

Graeme conducts a experiment in his lab with white mice on a mini football field (who merely "go eek and wash their whiskers!" after an 18 hour bombardment of simulated soccer) and he arrives at the conclusion that violence is inborn (as displayed by his hooligan hamster who heaves a streamer out of its box!), but Tim isn't convinced and claims that if this was true, there should be thousands of mindless zombies banned from the football roaming the streets in search of alternative stimulation. He gets dressed up for a civilised evening at Covent Garden, but is pursued along the streets by several of these ex-football hoons and is shocked when they join him in the balcony at the ballet. Surprisingly the fans enjoy the ballet immensely (although their soccer yobboism rubs off on Tim as he bellows "Get up, ya great nancy!" at a ballerina who takes a death dive!) and in no time, Britain has gone ballet crazy.

Tim and Bill are excited at the chance to field a Cricklewood team in the Ballet League, but there are not enough dancers left and most teams contain several out-of-work footballers. The Big Match covers the game between Aston Villa (with Wayne Sleep, Baryshnikov and others in the Romeo strip) and Cricklewood (the Goodies, Pele, Cruyff and Keegan in white tutus - the Juliet strip!) in which Aston Villa run rings around Cricklewood, but just can't score. Despite Aston Villa's dominance and Bill's bad temper (which earns him a yellow card for 'filthy miming'!), the scores are still tied nil-all at full time. The acrobatic goalkeeper Wayne Sleep manages to save most of the penalties (as he pushes away the Cricklewood players being thrown at him!) until Bill lobs into the net. However Bill's temper finally gets the better of him, as he sets off an all-in brawl after he kicks the tripe out of Sleep and when the crowd storms the stage, the commentators lament that this sort of thing gives the ballet a bad name.

* Bill (chanting as a soccer hooligan): "What a load of rubbish! What a load of rubbish!" ... "The referee's a fairy! The referee's a fairy!" ...(then yelling at a player after he is felled in a tackle) ... "Get up, ya great nancy! Get up! He's not hurt! You great big poof! You girl! Get up! (player is lying on the ground being examined by trainers) Faking, faking, he's faking! Get up! Time wasting! He's acting! (as stretcher comes out onto ground) Get up, ya great nancy! Up! You great big soppy girl!"

* Kenneth Wolstenholme (interviewing Bill): "... you set a big match record because last month, Twerp A, Twerp B, Twerp C and Twerp D all turned out to be you!"

Bill (rather chuffed): "Oh ... oh ... oh ... pretty exciting, yeah!"

Kenneth: "Well it was in fact as Twerp C that you actually got most votes for, when you threw a broken bottle at your captain and sliced his ear off!"

Bill (still trying to be humble): "I ... I ... I dunno, I just seem to be gettin' em right at the moment, Ken!"

* Tim (the Chief Of Police about hooligans like Bill): " ... Modern football. It's what happens on the pitch that really rouses them. All that sex stirs up their wild primitive urges!"

Tim: "Just look at 'em! Look at those flimsy shorts ... (starts talking in a poofy voice) ... exposing their glistening thighs and sexy knees ... look at those shirts. ... (resumes policeman voice) ... In the old days they didn't have silk shirts, no, they had rough hessian shirts ... (chuckles and gets a worriedly suspicious look from Graeme) ... with collars, but they don't have collars nowadays, they have plunging necklines ... (becomes increasingly excited) ... brazenly showing off the napes of their necks as their golden hair cascades like smooth silk as it stretches over their tight shoulder muscles and shows off their pert cheeky little ... (agitated orgasmic scream!) .. (resumes talking in his own voice) ... phew! No wonder the fans go mad!"

* Tim (from the balcony at Covent Garden when the leading ballerina hits the deck in the death scene): "GET UP, YA GREAT NANCY ...!"

* Bill (trying hard not to crack up!): "Do you want to see my Rudolf Nureyev 'Spot The Ball' poster?!"

* The sensational opening sequence with Bill as a short-haired bovver boy soccer hooligan abusing the referee from a crowded grandstand until a player felled in a tackle becomes the subject of his ire, copping taunts of "Get up, ya great nancy!" and a torrent of abuse about faking his injury despite being carted off on a stretcher to a waiting ambulance. The next scene is in a hospital operating theatre with a team of surgeons doing some rather grisly fixit work on the injured player, while Bill is somehow being in there too, pulling off his surgical mask and giving the player another burst of "Get up, ya great nancy!" before being ushered out by the doctors (as the life support alarm goes off!). This is followed by a graveside funeral service for the poor chap, with the priest and mourners just walking away as Bill appears from nowhere, jumping up and down on the grave still bellowing "Get up, ya great nancy ...!"

* Graeme as a smooth looking dude in the mock ad, holding a pot of amber fluid in his hand and exclaiming in a silly voice: "If you think you'd enjoy this, you'd be right.", then taking a sip from the pot and saying "If you think it's a lager, mind, you'd be wrong.", then downing the entire pot with a satisfied gasp and remarking "It's neat scotch!" before collapsing forward heavily to the deck in a drunken mess!

* Chief Of Police Tim patrolling a soccer match and attempting to clean up unsavoury aspects of the game,including all of the players being required to wear hats or skinhead wigs instead of flaunting their long locks, Tim covering the referee's knees with his bobby's helmet and then sending him off because his shorts are too short and the joyous hugging and kissing between the soccer players after a goal is scored until Tim bobs up in the middle of it and sends both teams off. Also the lone spectator (Bill) getting increasingly agitated with the lack of action on the pitch, smashing beer bottles over his skull, headbutting the railing in the terraces and then madly charging at Tim who neatly sidesteps and flexes his knees at the right time, leaving Bill tangled in the goal net until he is bopped on the head with Tim's baton.

* Tim in his top hat and and bow tie heading to Covent Garden along a dimly lit street and having to flee from troublesome-looking soccer thugs, only for them to join him in the balcony for the ballet, and various aspects of the ballet scenes including Graeme getting shot with an arrow from a crossbow and going through an elaborate and very pretty death dance before another memorably dramatic dive to the floor, Bill's temper eventually getting the better of him (causing the big brawl at the end) and the virtuoso guest performance by Wayne Sleep as the ballet star of Aston Villa (without looking even the slightest bit embarrassed by it all!)

Fred Dinenage, Kenneth Wolstenholme, Wayne Sleep, John Cross, Alan Forrester, Kim Gavin, Trevor Willis

Excellent first half dealing with soccer hooliganism and the desperate police measures to stop it, with Bill absolutely starring as a crazed soccer yobbo in some very memorable and funny scenes. The remainder of the show meanders a little by comparison (for non-ballet fans anyway), but still contains enough interesting footage to make it a very good episode overall.