Index
» Dec 2007
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* THE GOODIES FAN CLUB CLARION AND GLOBE *
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* THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK!' *
Issue No. 145 12th December 2007
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
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EDITOR
- Brett Allender <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>
ACE REPORTER:
- Lisa Manekofsky
GOODIES MUSIC REVIEWER
- Linda Kay
C&G CONTRIBUTORS:
- Steve Gerlach, Nik Whitehead, Daniel Bowen, Brian Labza, Ratdog, Bellmoos, AndyT29, Amanda Stokes
CONTENTS
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1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you
2. BOFFO IDEAS – The latest club news and happenings
3. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
4. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.
5. A COLLECTION OF GOODIES THEMES #4 Part 2
– Goodies Turning Baddie
6. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #32 – Nappy Love
7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
8. GOODIES WORD PUZZLE SOLUTION – from C&G 144
1. QUIZ & QUOTE
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(by "Magnus Magnesium")
QUOTE: "... no, no, that they should have their botties soundly smacked, no, no, that they should both be beheaded – twice, very slowly!"
(a) Which Goodie says this quote?
(b) Who is he writing this letter to the Queen about?
(c) Which episode is this quote from?
QUIZ: This month's questions are from the BBC episode: "Animals"
(d) Who is the old lady in the park that is shooting the pigeons?
(e) What is the name of Graeme's new animal act?
(f) Which animal has had a handle stuck to her, and why?
(g) Which colony of wildlife presenters does Graeme (as David Rabbitborough) mingle with?
(h) Which guest star throws a tantrum when an owl swoops on his telescope?
The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.
2. BOFFO IDEAS
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You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail <enquiries@goodiesruleok.com> with your comments, ideas or suggestions - meanwhile these are the boffo ideas which our club has been working on this month:
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
The team at The Goodies Rule OK would like to wish all of our members a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year in 2008. Our thanks to everyone for their contributions and support during the year.
GOODIES FORUMS
(Brett Allender)
In a bid to generate more Goodies-related discussion on our forum sites, GROK committee members Wackywales and Lisa Manekofsky have set up a number of new forum threads which I'd encourage all club members to view and contribute to. The main new features are episode discussion threads where you can have your say about particular Goodies episodes and find out the opinions, favourite scenes and quotes etc of your fellow Goodies fans as well.
Currently there are threads for "Snooze" and "That Old Black Magic", and a new episode will be put up for discussion every few weeks. Other new forum threads include "What are the Goodies' rapper names?", the best of which will be published in the C&G at a later date, and one seeking your feedback on the C&G itself which I'd keenly urge people to contribute to.
To help me with putting together a club newsletter that is relevant, interesting and fun to read (as a newsletter about The Goodies should be) I would greatly appreciate some feedback from the membership that reads it. In particular, I'd welcome your thoughts about the Goodies crosswords, wordfinders and word puzzles which appear in the newsletter every second month.
For instance, are the Goodies crosswords and other puzzles too easy? Too hard? Too obscure? Are more clues needed (such as letters provided)? Do you have a Goodies puzzle of your own to contribute?
The forums are there to help enable you to have your say about The Goodies and our fan club, so please make the most of them.
GOODIES TRADING POST
The GROK Pirate Post Office has received the following e-mail from Susan Cupper, e-mail: suecup@yahoo.co.uk
I have a signed copy of "The Goodies File" hardback edition saying "Goody Wishes" and signed by all three members. Some pages (at the top right corner) are slighly watermarked, but otherwise it is in excellent condition. Any sensible offers can be sent to the above e.mail address.
WEBSITE POLLS
Last month's poll vote was one of the most evenly-spread for a long time – surely a testament to Lisa's ability to put together a very interesting question with a stack of cleverly thought-out responses. We very nearly had to form a coalition government or draw a name out of t'flat hat to break the deadlock, however in the end Our Years Stuck In Concrete cemented a narrow win over Bunnies On The Moon - Fact Or Fiction in the tabloid press popularity stakes, with Rolf thankfully a very distant third. The results were:
Which article would you most like to read in a Goodies-themed tabloid?
- Running Pirate Companies - fun or folly? 14 votes
- *Really* Competitive Ballroom Dancing 5 votes
- Surprising Pet Care Tips 9 votes
- Punkerella's Shocking Secret! 6 votes
- The Many Uncles of Tim Brooke-Taylor 13 votes
- The Amazing Appeal of Zookeeping 3 votes
- Bunnies on the Moon - fact or fiction? 25 votes
- Our Years Stuck in Concrete 26 votes
- other 0 votes
- The True Story of Little Rolf 15 votes
Total 116 votes
These results however are the subject of a High Court Of The Moon challenge by one Mr Flopsy "Big Bunny" Esq who is asserting that the votes of several earthlings are invalid as they have now been turned into rabbits and are pledging voting allegiance to him. However while the legal system is busy rabbiting away, lettuce carrot on with this month's poll:
Which advice book would The Goodies be most qualified to write?
Starting Your Own Pirate Radio Station
Pet Care Tips for Unusual Pets
An Impractical Guide to World Domination
Creative Ways to Enter Crufts
A Beginner's Guide to Ecky Thump
Cream Mining for Profit
Another 1,000 Uses for String
Learn to Write Music the Oddie Way!
Unconventional Safari Park Concepts
The Care & Feeding of Little Rolfs
Or maybe you'd fancy a read of "Get Away From It All With Lemon Sherbet", "You Can Be A Winter Olympics Star Too (with a big sunlamp and a butterfly)" or how about "See The World Aboard A Spacehopper". Anyway bounce along to the website before you get too caught up in what you're reading and cast your vote now. You know it makes sense!
3. SPOTTED!!!
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More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! the Goodies this month:
THE GOODIES ON FOXTEL
(Lisa Manekofsky – 21st Nov)
Sun, 25 Nov - "The Goodies" will be shown on Foxtel Comedy Channel in Australia as part the best of British comedy on Sundays (rotating with other shows such as Monty Python, Allo Allo, and Ab-Fab). "The Tower of London" episode is schedule for that date. It isn't clear yet as to whether there will be additional repeats; the station's December schedule isn't yet available. Thanks to Ratdog, BEllmoos, and Brian Labza for this info.
Andyt29 reports in the GROK forums that the Comedy Channel will also be showing "The Goodies" at 4pm Mon-Fri from December 3rd (excepting Dec 25th, 26th, & 31st).
A PREMIERE GOODIES SPOTTING
(Lisa Manekofsky)
The following interview with Bill appeared in the Radio Times 7-13 November 1970 issue in conjunction with "The Goodies" premiere on the BBC:
The Goodies (Sunday 10.0 BBC2) is a new situation comedy series written by and starring Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie.
What's it like? one may ask.
"Well,' says Oddie, 'we've made it very, very visual. There's lots of film and it's the sort of show - we hope - which couldn't possibly be done on radio.'
The Goodies - as opposed to the 'Baddies' - are a firm of three who lay themselves open to some very strange commissions. Oddie says they're almost playing extensions of themselves. 'Tim is the respectable front-man, representative of the Establishment, Graeme plays the back-room boy who produces all the clever stuff and me, I'm the aggressive one.'
4. 2001 AND A BIT
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If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio and tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-l mailing list (more details available on the club website), as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.
** (All items in this section contributed by Lisa Manekofsky, except where otherwise credited) **
BILL SPOTTINGS
* Last night I came across the new UK Post Office advert with Bill (on Sky News, curiously enough). It's one of a series of famous people going into the post office to send various parcels, and Bill turns up, in a hide, wishing to post the world's most effective duck call. Needless to say, chaos ensues when the call is tested out and the post office fills with ducks.
I don't know if this has got to mainstream UK television yet (I don't get mainstream UK tv here in Iceland :) ) but I thought I'd mention it just in case.
(Nik Whitehead – 14th Nov)
(Daniel Bowen – 14th Nov)
* daily, Tues 4 Dec through Sat 8 Dec - "My Famous Family" hosted by Bill is repeated on UKTV History at midnight and an hour later on UKTV History Plus 1.
(3rd Dec)
* Thurs, 6 Dec - "Wogan: Now And Then" on UKTV Gold at 4:45 is a "best moments" episode; this includes at least part of Bill's interview. The show is repeated an hour later on UKTV Gold Plus 1.
(3rd Dec)
* Weds, 5 Dec - "Charlie's Wildlife Gardens" with Bill is repeated on UKTV Gardens at 20:00; it is shown again a few hours later and then repeated at various times on Thurs 6 Dec, Sun 9 Dec, and Mon 10 Dec.
(3rd Dec)
* Sat, 8 Dec - "All I Want For Christmas" on UKTV Style at 19:30 (repeated an hour later on UKTV Style Plus 1). This episode, "The Top Ten Naughtiest Presents", is "An irreverent top ten countdown of the most memorable Christmas presents" and includes a contribution from Bill.
(3rd Dec)
* Bill's edition of BBC 7's "Comedy Controller" will be repeated tomorrow. The show can be heard online from www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7 and will be available for a week after broadcast from Listen Again.
(7th Dec)
* The series return of "Star Portraits with Rolf Harris" starts on ABC Television (Australia) tonight at 8am. Tonight's show features Michael Parkinson, but hopefully Bill's episode will be aired in the Monday night timeslot in the coming weeks.
(Brett Allender – 10th Dec)
* Sunday, 16th December - "Who Do You Think You Are" with Bill on SBS Australia at 7:30pm.
(from contributions by Daniel Bowen & Amanda Stokes - 10th Dec)
GRAEME & TIM SPOTTINGS
* TBA (possibly Dec 2nd) - ITV has begun airing "Agatha Christie's Marple" Series 3; Graeme has a cameo appearance in the episode entitled "Nemesis". The exact date hasn't been announced yet but club member Sosia found website saying the episode will be broadcast on December 2nd.
(21st Nov)
* TICKETS FOR SLAPSTICK 2008 FESTIVAL WITH TIM & GRAEME:
The following comes from the St Georges Bristol's website; this is the venue for Tim & Graeme's session at the Slapstick 2008 Festival on January 19th (http://www.stgeorgesbristol.co.uk/event.php?pid=319 ). The page says that tickets for the general public will go on sale on December 5th:
Saturday 19 January 8pm
Bristol Silents presents
Buster Keaton, classic comedy shorts to live music
Preview: Tickets not yet on sale.
Patrons' / Benefactors' Priority Booking opens
Wednesday 28 November
Gala Friends' Priority Booking opens Friday 30 November
Friends' Priority Booking opens Monday 3 December
General Booking opens Wednesday 5 December
To benefit from priority booking for this event click here for details of the Friends of St George's.
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TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR and GRAEME GARDEN
PRIMA VISTA SOCIAL CLUB
Slapstick 2008 presents a delightful evening of entertainment discovering the genius of Buster Keaton alongside two of Britain's best-loved entertainers. Former 'Goodies' and current I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue panellists Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden choose their favourite Keaton short films, revealing the works that have influenced their lives and which, they hope, will delight new audiences.
With live musical accompaniment by the Prima Vista Social Club featuring Neil Brand and international friends.
Brand: '... the Doyen of silent film accompanists.' BBC RADIO 4
Brand: 'His playing is amazingly vivid and dynamic and bracingly free of cliché.' SUNDAY TELEGRAPH
(2nd Dec)
(5th Dec)
I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE (ISIHAC) and
I'M SORRY I'LL READ THAT AGAIN (ISIRTA)
* Here we go... an ISIHAC clip on Youtube. It's from the South Bank Show!
(Steve Gerlach – 14th Nov)
* For all the Clue fans, I'm passing this along from the www.isihac.co.uk site's mailing list:
There is an e-petition on the Downing Street web site, asking for Humphrey Lyttelton to awarded a knighthood for his contribution to Jazz, Comedy and Radio over the years. Those wanting to support the petition can add their name to it here:
(20th Nov)
(21st Nov)
* Saturdays - "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again", on ABC Radio National at 5:30. This 1960's sketch comedy series starred with all three Goodies plus John Cleese, Jo Kendall, & David Hatch (info at http://www.abc.net.au/rn/comedy/default.htm )
(21st Nov)
* Mondays - A news series of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" with Tim & Graeme airs on BBC Radio 4 at 18:30, with each episode repeated the following Sunday at around noon (check the listings each week - sometimes the Sunday repeats start a few minutes after noon). Each broadcast can be heard worldwide from www.bbc.co.uk/radio4 . The shows will also be available for a week after broadcast from Listen Again at http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/networks/radio4/aod.shtml?radio4/clue
(21st Nov)
ISIHAC TOUR
Information about the show dates, venues and booking details for the ISIHAC Live Tour of the UK in early 2008 has already been sent out to the C&G mailing list in late November.
The tour will visit 12 cities - Wolverhampton, Basingstoke, Cambridge, Buxton, Cardiff, Plymouth, Eastbourne, Edinburgh, London, Salford, Harrogate, and Bournemouth.
5. A COLLECTION OF GOODIES THEMES #4
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(by Brett Allender)
GOODIES TURNING BADDIE PART 2
(continued from C&G 144)
After all three Goodies have had a chance to play the role of the baddie, the next opportunity falls to Graeme in "That Old Black Magic". Returning to the office from a hard day out flogging his 'Orrible 'Airy Spiders with a hearty "Cor, I'm knackered!", he encounters the batty Witch Hazel who insists that he "has the power". Her own magic powers are somewhat awry though, as thanks to her zookeeping ambitions prior to becoming a witch she is only able to conjure up the spirits of "little furry animals" instead of those of departed loved ones, which is naturally bad for business. The Goodies offer to help her by holding a séance, with Graeme pretending to be possessed and Bill hiding under the table to provide the mystic voices in a bid to secure the money which she has tempted them with earlier.
By chance somehow, Graeme does become genuinely possessed and takes on a number of different personalities including Walter Gabriel from "The Archers", Eddie Waring and Eammon Andrews ("And tonight Witch Hazel, this is your life!"). Graeme gets carried away with his new-found talents and tells the others and Witch Hazel that "I don't need any of you. I have the power! I have the power! …" until Bill belts him over the head with a mallet again to calm him down and knock him out. However after the others have gone to the pictures, Graeme rises from the floor with a loony expression on his face and when they return they are horrified to find a new "I Do Anything Anytime" sign stuck on the office door. Further horrors await inside, like voodoo needles stuck into Tim's dolly, Bill's favourite tomato ketchup splattered blood-like all over the floor and witchcraft manuals featuring "A Bum In The Coven" and other naked campfire dances, all of which proves that Graeme has sold his soul to the Sunday papers.
Tim and Bill head to a creepy Clapham Common and interrupt Graeme's pagan worship session just as he is preparing to ritually sacrifice a frozen chook in front of his followers and they then have to disguise themselves as white-robed, long-haired virgins to foil Graeme's ultimate deed of darkness - the summoning of the Devil … none other than David Frost! Witch Hazel soon banishes Frosty ("Got to go now, byeee!") but her white versus black magic duel with Graeme only succeeds in turning him into a gibbon, setting off a prolonged but enjoyable chase scene.
In the same series there is a neat little cameo at the end of "Way Outward Bound" where Tim is tending to the babies that have been brainwashed by the Matron. The power that he commands over them, especially getting them all to bring up wind on cue ("Wait for it, wait for it!") quickly leads to delusions of grandeur. To Bill's worried calls of "He's going … he's going … he's gone!" a crazed Tim spurts "Just think, in a few years time they'll be able to do the housework and then maybe, yes, my own private army of slaves. Don't you see, I can rule the world, ([sings] If I Ruled The World), If I had my own private army I'd be unstoppable. I can see it now … Tim OBE, King Of The World! I shall start training them tomorrow. I'll take over the world, the universe, Mars, maybe even the Radio Times …!", requiring Bill to forcibly shove a bottle of milk into Tim's mouth in a bid to pacify him.
The next major act of Goodies villainy is a joint one by Tim and Bill in "Invasion Of The Moon Creatures". Graeme is initially the power-mad one with his loony lunar experiments on Flopsy, Spiro and the other rabbits in his space program and he is at his bossy boffin best as he prepares the launch, especially when Bill irreverently offers to "peel the potartoes" for him. However the tables are turned spectacularly when Bill and Tim are captured on the moon by Flopsy (now known as "Big Bunny") and his cohorts. As Bill so eloquently puts it: "I used to have a pet rabbit once, you know, when I was a little kid, and at no stage did he ever strap me to the couch and stick carrots in my ears!", but the carrot torture works a treat and he and Tim are sent back as Bugs Bunny-sounding rabbits themselves to take over Earth.
A worried Graeme desperately tries to figure out their motives: "At least, tell me what you're gonna do!" Bill & Tim (in rabbit suits, munching carrots): "Nyaaah!" G: "Are you gonna take over the world, is that it?!" B&T: "Nyaaah!" G: "That is it, isn't it? Oh dear, I do wish you wouldn't!" B&T: "Nyaaah!" G (exasperated): "Can't you say anything but 'Nyaaah'?!" B&T (pause, look at each other, then reply sarcastically): "Nyaaah!!" Their demonstration of "wabbit power" in all of its Clockwork Orange-style glory aboard a motorbike leaves a trail of victims including a stomped cat, a battered old dear (who at least puts up a good fight using her umbrella) and a young lady who is dragged inside her rabbit's hutch for "a touch of way-hey-hey and a spot of bunny fun".
Graeme finally puts a stop to this nonsense with the help of a fleet of Highland Ferrets to flush the rabbits out of their burrows and then with a "scrummy glummy" pie which just happens to be a rabbit one, making Tim and Bill cannibals and more than ready to sink their knives and forks into Big Bunny himself when he comes to the door – "Dinner!"
The classic episodes of Series 5 showcase two of the very best examples of Goodies turning into baddies: Bill as "High Priest Ee Bah Goom" in "Kung Fu Kapers" and Graeme as "Greedy Graeme" in "Bunfight At The OK Tea Rooms".
Bill firstly makes a mockery of Tim and Graeme's kung fu lessons and then teases them by not telling them the secret of "the infinitely more subtle and superior Lancastrian martial art of what I happen to be a master". In hindsight they would have been better off letting him keep his "little secret", however by taunting him the supposed martial arts skills of their relatives (like Graeme's " wee cousin Hamish who has a black sporran in the Scottish martial art of Hoots Toots Och Aye The Noo!"), they provoke Bill into revealing the mystic art of Ecky Thump at dawn on Primrose Hill. Bill's joint ability to absorb whatever pain his opponents inflict on him, then belt them over their unsuspecting heads with a rock-hard black pudding not only wins him bragging rights among the Goodies, but also launches the Ecky Thump craze right across the country. In no time at all everyone is bopping each other senseless with black puddings and Bill has cashed in by releasing a string of "gratuitously violent and very badly dubbed Ecky Thump movies" as his previously-secret martial art is causing chaos everywhere.
Bill takes his martial arts prowess a step further by becoming "High Priest Ee Bah Goom", releasing a Mao-like "little red book" of wise sayings and preparing to lead a black pudding rebellion march to "take over t'Parliament". Graeme's pleas for him to stop are met with a disdainful "Stop? Stop? No, nay chucky, can't stop now. Not for all t'hot pot in Oswaldtwistle!" Fortunately Graeme has planned some crafty schemes of his own (though falling head-first into the black pudding vat probably isn't one of them!) and Bill's rebellion march is eventually derailed by Graeme's remote-controlled puddings, Tim's revival of kung fu and finally the Goodies' wild ride to their doom over a quarry cliff on a runaway tea trolley.
Graeme's baddie credentials are established very early on in "Bunfight At The OK Tea Rooms", as while Tim and Bill sit shivering and stony broke in their cold and dimly-lit office, he has been out buying a stack of equipment for a gold prospecting trip. An annoyed Bill protests "Oi oi, wait a minute! What do you mean mules, mine detectors, all that stuff, I mean … that must have cost you a fortune!" Graeme's smug reply of "Yeah of course it did. Why do you think we're broke?!" has Bill ready to kill him until Tim intervenes ("No Bill … later!"), so it's a case of "Go west, young man" in search of gold.
Eighteen days of fruitless gold prospecting in the "wild and woolly west" (Cornwall!) has the Goodies readying to pack it all in and go home until Graeme makes a discovery. G: "I've been out looking around and you'll never guess what I've just found in an old tin mine." T (excitedly): "Gold?!" G: "No. Old tins! And this." T: "What?" G: "Gold ore." T: "Ore!" G: "Or something else ..." The ore does indeed turn out to be filled with something else – pure Cornish cream – and Graeme sets up an elaborate production line with Bill and Tim doing all of the heavy work, then he tries to shaft them by preparing to file a claim for the cream mine in his name only. His attempts to play Bill and Tim off against each other (such as "And do you know who pinched the ears off your life sized model of Prince Charles?" T (shocked): "Not Charles's ears!" G: "Where else do you think he got them mudguards for his Mini!") don't succeed, so Graeme sneaks out of the tent at dawn (leaving a double which briefly fools the others) and flees for town on the stubborn mule to file his claim.
Tim and Bill are left broke, disconsolate and ready for home, but the dismantling of their tent reveals a rich deposit of strawberry jam and scones ("No, scOnes!"), which is the catalyst for Greedy Graeme to challenge them to a winner-take-all showdown at the OK Tea Rooms in Pennenink. The townsfolk flee in terror as the three Goodies ride into town and Graeme has plenty of dirty tricks up his sleeve, notably the toaster hidden under the table which deals him a fresh "card" when Bill appears to have the winning hand, and then getting Tim and Bill to "walk eleven paces" while duelling so that they crash into a wall on the final pace, allowing him a free squirt of lethal tomato sauce at them. All of his scheming appears to have paid off as "his gal ran to his arms" afterwards, but a final desperate squirt of sauce from a dying Bill finishes her off and leaves Greedy Graeme with no option but to lather himself with sauce and exit with one of the most spectacular "death dives" ever.
The Series 6 episode "Hype Pressure" wasn't shown on the ABC in Australia during their lengthy series of Goodies screenings and remained well-hidden until pay-TV station UKTV started screening episodes in the late-1990s. The rediscovery of this episode has been well worth it just to see Tim in his most dastardly and obnoxious series of roles in the entire run of the show.
Sporting the same strange boofed-up hairdo from "2001 And A Bit", Tim initially ignores Bill's lamenting of his own inability to keep writing chartbusting songs and Graeme's accompanying unhelpful sarcasm. It's only when Bill moans "I'm gonna give up music. I'm gonna become a folk singer!" and starts some very off-key wailing with Graeme joining in for the heck of it that Tim suddenly takes interest, declaring that the two of them will be ideal for his new TV show. The charmingly-titled "New Faeces" specialises in the ritual humiliation of pathetic acts (who often don't even get to actually perform!) by a panel of abusive judges with Tim actively egging them on to deliver maximum insults and minimum scores.
Judge Tony Bitch describes comedian Dennis Droll's non-act as "absolutely pathetic … his eyes are too close together and he probably smells … he's a washout!" and indicates that the fact that Dennis only came on the show because his wife needed an operation shouldn't influence his score because he'd heard that she had died half an hour ago, much to Dennis's understandable distress. Tony gives him no marks at all, as Tim glowingly comments "Well that's quite generous for you Tony!", while obviously eagerly anticipating Bill and Graeme receiving an equally vitriolic tirade for their upcoming act; a stumbling, tone-deaf folk song called "The World Is Full Of Women And Men" However the judges are reduced to tears by its beautiful purity and Tim's ranting of "Shut up, you can't have liked it!!" sees him booed and pelted with vegetables by the incensed crowd, causing him to froth at the mouth in anger and seethe that he'll never forgive Bill and Graeme for humiliating him.
Back in the office later, Tim sits on his throne in shock with a frozen glare on his face and nothing can make him snap out of it until he finally announces that he's merely been thinking of reviving the 1950s again as a new TV gimmick. Not content with achieving this, Tim also messes with all of the TV schedules and turns into a fast-talking, sock-selling spiv who brings back both the death penalty and national service as part of his revival campaign. He then becomes a crazed TV producer and wants Bill to sing "a death song about a kid, a blind kid on his motorbike, a learner, blind learner with one arm who falls off his bike and gets smashed by a steamroller in front of the very eyes of his little pet hamster Percy", however after Bill has kneed him in the groin and called him a "vicious little loony", "William and Grayfunkel" insist on singing a peaceful hippy song about flowers instead.
A rather camp and bossy Tim terrorises them in the recording studio by cueing for all sorts of objects to dropped on them, as well as interfering with news bulletins and other programs on various channels, before blowing the whole studio up with landmines. He then tries to revive World War 2 in a very realistic manner as a loony TV director, however Graeme and Bill employ Vanessa Redgrave, Alfred Hitchcock, a giant Dougal and finally multiple images of Margaret Thatcher to finally bring about Tim's downfall.
One final baddie role that is worth a look at is that of Bill as an obnoxious, loud-mouthed soccer hooligan in the LWT episode "Football Crazy". Initially content with chanting "What a load of rubbish! What a load of rubbish!" ... "The referee's a fairy! The referee's a fairy!" in true yobbo fashion from the terraces, he then directs his ire at a player who is felled in a tackle. "Get up, ya great nancy! Get up! He's not hurt! You great big poof! You girl! Get up! (at this stage the player is lying on the ground being examined by trainers) Faking, faking, he's faking! Get up! Time wasting! He's acting! (as a stretcher is brought out onto ground) Get up, ya great nancy! Up! You great big soppy girl!". The next scene is in a hospital operating theatre with a team of surgeons doing some rather grisly-looking work on the injured player, while Bill is somehow in there too, pulling off his surgical mask and giving the player another burst of "Get up, ya great nancy!" before being ushered out by the doctors, with the life support alarm going off and the patient flatlining during this distraction This is followed by a graveside funeral service for the poor chap, with the priest and mourners just walking away as Bill appears from nowhere, jumping up and down on the grave still bellowing "Get up, ya great nancy ...!"
Bill later receives the "Twerp Of The Month" award from soccer commentator Kenneth Wolstenholme, who comments that "you set a big match record because last month, Twerp A, Twerp B, Twerp C and Twerp D all turned out to be you!" B (rather chuffed): "Oh ... oh ... oh ... pretty exciting, yeah!" KW: "Well it was in fact as Twerp C that you actually got most votes for, when you threw a broken bottle at your captain and sliced his ear off!" B (still trying to be humble): "I ... I ... I dunno, I just seem to be gettin' em right at the moment, Ken!" After smashing his trophy over the head of the fan standing next to him, Bill also states that he wants a transfer to Spain because the police there have riot shields, masks and guns and would therefore present more of a challenge for him! Tim is sufficiently appalled by Bill's violent behaviour and the fact that the police now refuse to work at soccer matches anymore to become the new Chief Of Police in charge of football hooliganism, whose duty is to rid the terraces of mindless yobbos like Bill.
Tim implements various new measures to take all of the excitement and sexiness out of the game, like banning modern-style uniforms and flowing hair, sending players off for mouthing mild curses like "damn" and ultimately limiting crowd numbers to just one – a bored-out-of-his-brain Bill who is going nuts in the stands from the lack of on-field action. Bill entertains himself by smashing beer bottles over his skull, headbutting the railing in the terraces and then madly charging at Tim, who neatly sidesteps and flexes his knees at the right time, leaving Bill tangled in the goal net until he is bopped on the head with Tim's baton – a repeat of Bill's earlier charge at Tim in the Goodies' office where he takes an instant dislike to Tim's new image as "The Fuzz!" but misses him and crashes through the wall of the office instead!
Graeme sets to work with an appropriately loony science experiment with white mice on a mini football field, who merely "go eek and wash their whiskers" after an 18 hour bombardment of simulated soccer, and he arrives at the conclusion that violence is inborn, as displayed by his hooligan hamster who heaves a streamer out of its box in sheer frustration! The thousands of hooligans that are now banned from watching the soccer need to find some sort of alternative stimulation and Tim's civilised evening watching the ballet at Covent Garden is soon spoilt when Bill and his fellow troublemakers turn up in their droves at the ballet instead.
As good as the three Goodies are playing their usual character roles, it's on occasions like the ones I've just described that really allow their darker sides to flourish and provide some of the memorable and enjoyable moments of the entire show.
Website article & photo gallery:
Next theme (Jan or Feb): Heanz Meanz Beanz Ads
6. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #32 – NAPPY LOVE
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Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review.
WHO?
While trapped in the Middle Ages at Camelot for the last music review of "Taking You Back", Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) decided to put the spooky castle tower to good use by attempting to reconstruct Frankenfido for this year's dog show at Crufts using Nicholas Parsons' brain, Yul Brynner's hair and other assorted odds and sods that Graeme forgot to send back to their rightful owners all those years ago. Even more spookily though, the Emperor only managed to create a clone of himself; however his clone was very obnoxious, while the Emperor was universally well respected and loved by everyone (in his dreams!). Finally utterly fed up with his failed experiment, the Emperor shoved his double off the roof of the castle, killing him instantly. Shortly afterwards, the cops arrested him for making an obscene clone fall! (groan!)
Meanwhile Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay) had been taken captive by Tim's Uncle King Arthur and Queen Doris. Though Peaches' natural beauty shone through like the Jolly Rock Lighthouse (prior to Bill cooking his chips in the lamp oil at least!), the dress that she was forced to wear was extremely unbecoming. She waited day and night, looking out with hope out the dungeon window, searching for the knight who would free her. However, every knight was scared away by her dress, which, as mentioned before, was very ugly. She was crying in hopelessness when evil Uncle King Arthur cackled, "See, I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in dis dress!" (even bigger groan!)
And that's where we'll leave the "Des O'Connor Book Of Medieval (and just plain evil) Jests" for now as we cross over to the Highbrow Hall School for Brainy Brats and your dribbling DJs with their review of "NAPPY LOVE" by The Goodies.
WHERE? WHEN?
"Nappy Love" can be heard on the 70's albums "The New Goodies LP", "The Goodies Greatest" and "The Goodies Greatest Hits", on the 90's CDs "Yum Yum – The Very Best Of The Goodies" and "Funky Gibbon – The Best Of The Goodies" and in episode 6/7 "The Goodies Almost Live"
WHAT?
Lyrics: sung by Bill, with help from Tim and Graeme
(boom sha la la boom sha la la boom sha la la boom, oh oh oh oh, boom sha la la boom sha la la boom sha la la boom)
I met her at the kindergarten (oh oh oh), Oh I was less than two years old (yeah yeah yeah)
She taught me just what bliss is, She gave me six wet kisses, Until by Nanny we were told
It's only nappy love (oh oh), That's what I give to you
It's nappy love (yeah yeah), Although we're only two
I need you and I want you with all my nappy love (my nappy love)
She is a queen in plastic panties (big panties), My baby doll that I adore (tell me more)
I knew I'd really pleased her, That moment when I squeezed her
And she went wee-wee on the floor
But it's just nappy love (oh oh), That's what they always say
It's nappy love (yeah yeah), But it is here to stay
I need you and I want you with all my nappy love (my nappy love)
[spoken]: Oh baby I knew you were the one for me that day you climbed into my cot and gave me a big wet soggy rusk right up my nose. Darling I'll share my teddy with you, I'll share my patent dinky feeding bottle, I'll even let you use my potty. So baby, hold me near and whisper in my ear those words I'm longing to hear you say …[baby babble]
They say that we're too young to marry (quite right too)
We tell them just you wait and see (tee hee hee)
We may be only two, But we know what to do
And very soon we could be three (you don't mean …?!)
Nappy love (oh, THAT … !) just like a safety pin
Our nappy love (does what?) holds our emotions in
I need you and I want you (ah ha) with all my nappy love (my nappy love)
Ooh I need you and I want you (ah ha) with all my NAPPY LOVE!
(boom sha la la etc) [+ more baby babble]
WHY?
(Peaches Stiletto):
Okay, don't let this rattle you, but there is no way to review this song without bringing up its inspiration, Paul Anka's Puppy Love. But let's be honest . . . Nappy Love beats Puppy Love all to heck! And for one very good reason . . . at least the lovesick infants are wearing nappies! Puppies, of course, don't wear nappies and are infinitely more difficult to clean up after (the exception being William's overly excited girlfriend, who apparently goes on the floor with abandon after a little squeeze . . . show some control, girl!). This goes for Donny Osmond's version of Puppy Love, too, because Donny Osmond is also a pain to clean up after. So there, I said it, it's out . . . and out is definitely better than in, especially if one is not wearing their nappy. And poo on any nay sayers! Apart from the obvious sanitation issues, Nappy Love is a tidy little bundle of a tune. The burbling longings of love in this number are sure to get Planned Parenthood all excited in anticipation. Nanny apparently isn't hip to the idea of young love . . . she's probably against handing out condoms to pre-schoolers as well. That's just the backwards kind of conservatism that needs to be thrown out with the dirty diapers. If anyone knows what they want, it's babies! The know when they want to eat, they know when they want to sleep, and they certainly know when they want to do doodies. Why shouldn't they know when it's true love? If young William feels strongly enough to tell his baby girlfriend that she's number one (or is that number two?) then who are we to stand in their way? Hooray for young love! Hey . . . hey, you rugrats! Put your nappies back on and get off my new parquet floors! Forget it . . . I don't support babies or puppies. Maybe I will adopt Donny Osmond after all.
(Emperor Caligula):
For crying out loud (every couple of hours during the night), have the Goodies gone potty or something? Not only have they regressed back to their babyhood again, but they're doing it as a send-up of a Donny Osmond song of all things! They've just cot to be kidding, right? Actually no, despite taking a big rusk, the Goodies don't spit the dummy and they end up having a bawl with the winning formula of this pram rock classic (although the likes of Australian Crawl might have produced a real screamer of a version by comparison). I guess it proves that young Donny really did know a thing or two about dribble, even though he'd definitely lost his baby teeth by then. Without wanting to be a wet blanket (or wetting the blanket either!) I initially thought that this song was a bit diaper-bolical, but the line about two soon becoming three (a little (nappy) rash though – kind of gives a whole new meaning to the term "baby bump"!) soon got me giggling away at such an im-puree concept. So now that I've got wind of this little kiddy ditty (or got wind from it perhaps) I can only urge you not to be a cot case and go toddle out and "shake your booties" to it.
HOW!
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
IIII Officially Amazing (Peaches Stiletto)
III Goody Goody Yum Yum (Emperor Caligula)
THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially Amazing.
III - Goody Goody Yum Yum.
II - Fair-y Punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.
Next Music Review: (February) – Terrapins
7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
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(a) Tim
(b) Graeme Garden & Harry Highrise
(c) The End
(d) Bill in disguise
(e) Captain Grayboots – Fearless Lion Tamer
(f) Henrietta Hedgehog, because she supposedly makes a good loo brush!
(g) The Bellamys
(h) Patrick Moore
YOUR SCORE:
8 Mastermind Of The Year
7 Goodies fan supreme
5-6 Clever clogs
3-4 Reasonably Goodie
1-2 Thick as old boots
0 Rolf Harris!
8. GOODIES WORD PUZZLE SOLUTION
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Here is the solution for the word puzzle from the November C&G, the clue for the highlighted phrase being "the title of a Goodies song from an episode in Series 2. (3, 3, 4, 3, 4 letters)". There is a copy of this puzzle (in Word format) and solution on the website at: http://www.goodiesruleok.com/articles.php?id=98&page=2
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NEXT C&G EDITION:
- #146: 12th January 2008.
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The Goodies Fan Club Clarion and Globe is copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 2007. All rights reserved.
Permission to reproduce this work or any section of it, in any form must first be obtained from the copyright holders.
For further information regarding this publication please e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>.
For other general enquiries about the 'Goodies Rule - OK' fan club or 'The Goodies' itself, please e-mail enquiries@goodiesruleok.com
TO OBTAIN THIS NEWSLETTER IN WORD DOCUMENT FORM:
E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> requesting transfer to the Word mailing list.
******************************************************************************
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