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GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #31 – TAKING YOU BACK
(from C&G #143 October 2007)
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review.
WHO?
After pigging out on too much "Custard Pie" in their last review, Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay) and Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) got a little disoriented looking for "t'meditation room" after leaving the recording studio and have ended up lost in the Sahara Desert. (Hooray, I hear you say!) They're desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing. They go to the first stall they see and ask if they can buy some water.
"No", replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next stall."
So off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water. "Sorry", says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."
"Custard?!", a puzzled Peaches says to the Emperor, "What kind of a place is this?"
By now desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly."
Hearing this, the Emperor turns to Peaches and mutters, "This is a trifle bazaar!"
BOO HISS! We probably should leave them there in the Sahara as punishment, however the Royal Society For The Prevention Of Cruelty (and gastro) To Vultures has lodged a formal objection, so we're going to punish you instead by taking you back to Camelot (at 33 Acacia Road, Solihull) to join our dragon-slaying DJs for this month's review of "TAKING YOU BACK" by The Goodies.
WHERE? WHEN?
"Taking You Back" can be heard on the 70's album "The Goodies Sing Songs From The Goodies" (also re-released as "The World Of The Goodies") and in episode 4/1 Camelot
WHAT?
Lyrics: sung by Bill
Contempory ways they are driving me crazy, so I'm taking you back, I'm taking you back
The twentieth century is battered and bent to me, so I'm taking you back, I'm taking you back
We've got nothing that I can't do without, we've got some things I don't like to think about
So I'm taking you back, I want you to know, I'm taking you back, are you ready to go?
I'm taking you back, whoa whoa whoa
Back to the ages of peasants and pages, I'm taking you back, I'm taking you back
Back when the knights were bold, back in the days of old, I'm taking you back, I'm taking you back
I want something that I don't get from you, I need loving the way that you used to do
So I'm taking you back, I want you to know, I'm taking you back, are you ready to go?
I'm taking you back, whoa whoa whoa
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]
[REPEAT FIRST VERSE]
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK with "I'm taking you back" repeated multiple times]
___
If your relationship stocks are racked with doubt and you'd like to stop feuding and herald a return to happier days, then here's a little not-so-"lute" song with a thumping guitar rhythm just for you. Don't merely go back in time to before the last argument or even a return to your first date – why not cast(le) your mind all the way back to the Middle Ages where the knights were bold (and the days were pretty saucy too, no doubt!), Des O'Connor was telling his jokes for the very first time, Nicholas Parsons was just a lad in short garters and Max Bygraves had barely started to croon out his debut album! The Goodies proved how much fun can be (Gala)had in those medieval days with a coat of arms and codpieces, so a banquet at the Wessex Working Burghers Club ("and right burghers they were too!") or a night out at an inn that serves sucking pigs (and anyone else with equally appalling table manners for that matter!) might be just the ticket for patching up that shaky modern-day romance. And if your once-fair maiden is still a real battleaxe afterwards, then a spot of witch burning at the end of your Goodies 50p Camelot tour might convince her that, like Joan of Arc, there's a lot more at stake than she realises!
WHY?
(Peaches Stiletto):
As I attempt to review this tune it seems but a feudal endeavor . . . the longing for a simpler age berms in the best of us. But to be cauldron to bring back the dark ages really gets my groat. When Bing Crosby woke up to find himself inexplicably in Camelot, at least he could sing his way out of trouble. But it's hard to sing when one is suffering from the Black Plague (a factor Twain conveniently left out of his little tale . . . and who knew Twain even wrote musicals?) Joust you wait and see . . . I'm no lyre . . . this attempted medieval revival will dragon even longer than the era of serf music. Okay, so this is a peasant enough song, noble in its intent. Maybe not a tune I would give an armor leg for, buttress assured tithe rather take a page from Bill Oddie's historical longings than listen to most anything by Iron Maiden (heavy metal is for wearing, not for listening!) That's not to say the middle ages didn't have its advantages. For one thing, chain mail wasn't something you had to send to ten of your friends on the threat of bad luck. And speaking of bad luck, I'm reminded of the story of a fair maiden locked in the high tower of an evil duke's castle who would swear a blue streak for help whenever any potential princes rode their steeds in the vicinity. Sadly for this damsel her pleas would go unanswered, as the evil duke would simply explain to the startled passing princes, "Ignore her . . . she's suffering from turrets syndrome." That said, if you feel this review has been rather pathetic, you may considering firing me. But seriously . . . can anyone truly de-scribe me?
(Emperor Caligula):
Now jester minute! You moat think I'm a loony (mass chant of "You're a loony!") but armour gonna tell you that this crusade back to medieval times in search of old-fashioned lust has goth a (Lance)lot going for it. After giving it a bit of fort, it's an idea that if it court on, could earn its keep and is definitely worth an inquisition, especially when you consider some of the chat-up lines that were cannon fodder back in those days. In the spirit of Bill and Tim's "Once a knight, always a knight. Twice a night and you're doing alright!", one might like to try "A day just wouldn't be complete without a knight.". Or perhaps "I've just returned from the dungeon and my legs weren't the only thing that they stretched!" And one for the wenches: "Is that your longstaff or are you just pleased to see me?!" However "I'm Black Rod, but that's as far as the bubonic plague has spread!" is unlikely to turn anyone on; nor would "No Saxons please, I'm British!", so maybe I'm drawing a longbow after all. I might just have to settle for a novel Middle Ages pet instead like a dancing bear, a fighting cock, the aforementioned sucking pig, or how about a battering ram?! Looks like it's time for taking me back alright … to the Dark Ages of my padded cell in the funny farm where I can tune into Radio Goodies and take that nice Walk in the Black Forest over and over and over again!
HOW!
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
III Goody Goody Yum Yum (Peaches Stiletto)
II 1/2 Fair-y Goody (Emperor Caligula)
THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially Amazing.
III - Goody Goody Yum Yum.
II - Fair-y Punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.
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