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GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #30 – CUSTARD PIE
(from C&G #141 August 2007)
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review.
WHO?
Fresh from her big night out at The Policeman's Opera, Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay) is back at work patrolling the beat once again, but this time in an undercover (and under the covers) role as Miss Heifer from the Playgirl Club. Not everyone approves of her, least of all her taste in red knickers with green spots, however after witnessing the crinkly-haired, crazy-staring Policewoman Edwina Krum bathing nude in the park pond in a misguided attempt to improve the police force's image, it's likely that the general public is still sufficiently traumatised not to even bother filing a further complaint with the CIB Obscenities Squad (who are all preoccupied with bopping their "shiny shoes" along to the Little Laddies anyway). This should give Peaches the blue light to apply the long arm of the law to as many potential strong, hairy and virile Wolves as she likes, with them gladly accompanying her back to the station afterwards.
Meanwhile Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) has also had a bizzie time of things, forming part of the very thick blue line at the Goodies' Wembley concert, though he was crushered that Tim didn't ask him to "Come on Wild Thing, hold me tight … not quite that tight!" during the show. Sadly the Emperor's attempt to make himself stand out among the crowd of boys in blue ended in utter humiliation, as after taking off his gun, baton and helmet to appear less intimidating, the subsequent removal of the rest of his police uniform to complete the transformation left him with no choice but to arrest himself for indecent exposure. To make matters worse, he's also suffering the after-effects of the Policeman's Ball, which is apparently even more painful than housemaid's knee, flunky's feet and butler's bum put together!!
And so before we lock them both up and throw away the key, it's time to cross over to Pinetree's freshly-painted black and white movie studio and your dessert-loving DJs with their review of "CUSTARD PIE" by The Goodies.
WHERE? WHEN?
"Custard Pie" can be heard on the "Yum Yum – The Very Best Of The Goodies" CD and the 70's album "The New Goodies LP"
WHAT?
Lyrics: sung mainly by Bill, with contributions from Graeme and Tim.
Ladies and Gentlemen. (Hey!) Here are the Goodies bringing you the recipe for eternal happiness. (Hallelujah!)
(Ooh la la la la la la la la, Ooh la la la la la la la la, Ooh la la la la la la la la, Ooh la la la la la la la la)
Well if you feel bad and you've got the blues, you mustn't take drugs, you mustn't drink booze
There's only one thing gonna get you high, and that is … custard pie
Custard (custard pie), I gotta get me some custard (custard pie)
Oh we're bringin' you custard (custard pie), yeah, custard pie
(Ooh la la la la la la la la, Ooh la la la la la la la la)
When you've got a gal that you wanna win, here's what to do if she won't give in
Pull her up close, turn out the lights, slip her a great big juicy slice of custard (custard pie)
You gotta give her some custard (custard pie), gotta love ya for custard (custard pie), ooh, custard pie
(Ooh la la la la la la la la, Ooh la la la la la la la la, Ooh la la la la la la la la, Ooh la la la la la la la la)
Prices rising, trouble all over the place (I know it, I know it, I know it)
Here's a good way to put a smile on your faces (love it, love it, love it)
It's ever so easy and we'll show you the way (show it, show it, show it)
Come on everybody, hold it up high, everyone ready for the custard pie
(Ooh la la la la la la la la, Ooh la la la la la la la la)
[spoken:]
Right, you all know what I'm talkin' about? (Yes) And what do you think of custard pie? (Mmm, mmm) Is there anyone around here that I can give a custard pie? (Yeah) Are you gonna let him have a custard pie? (Yeah) And will you let me have one right now? (Yeah) OK get ready to spell it. Give me a C (C) and now a U (U) let's have an S (S) and then a T … A … R … D. Give it to me, give it to me, custard pie. [splat] Wooow!
Custard (custard pie), you gotta hit 'em with custard (custard pie), a whole lotta custard (custard pie)
Oh I want a little custard (custard pie), I'm a-crazy for custard (custard pie), oh don't ya know I love custard pie
Mama's little baby loves custard, custard, Mama's little baby loves one more pie
Custard (custard pie), c'mon and give me more custard (custard pie), oh don't you know I want custard (custard pie)
Oh I want custard (custard pie), Miles and miles of custard (custard pie), yeah more custard pie
Give it to me, give it to me, give it to me. [splat] Custard PIE!
___
If you've got the Sick Man Blues and want to turn things around from Baddie to Goodie, there's only one way to climb back up that giant beanstalk of life again, according to our musical agony aunt Billykins. And remarkably it doesn't involve any assistance from the dope-smoking Dreadcorps from the last music review nor even a crafty snort of lemon sherbet to soar up above one's little problems in a psychedelic haze of delirium. No, by simply mixing together the choice ingredients of cackleberries, moo juice and doughballs to whip up the recipe for eternal happiness – the custard pie - Bill's brulee-iant idea is for us not to pannac(otta), but instead take a fraiche new a-poach to a life that previously lactose moments of sheer egg-citement. You'd butter believe it, this is one tasty treat of a song that's starching to moo-ve up the charts rather quichely thanks to the Goodies enthusiastic singing and spelling, and it's showing no signs of running out of puff. Even if you are a bit of a shortcrust with a pastry complexion you can still get the affections of that gal you wanna win just by slipping her a great big juicy slice (preferably of custard pie, though it's whatever turns you on!) … but if she turns out to be a real tart then you can always give her a pie in the eye like Luckless Larry instead (although you just might bust a keaton in the process if you're not careful!)
WHY?
(Peaches Stiletto):
Long associated with comedy in its purest and puréed form, the custard pie has been a symbol of messy merriment since the silent movie era, certainly reaching its peak (necessary for any proper whipped topping!) in the classic Laurel and Hardy short The Battle of the Century in which pies are bandied about until the results resemble the aftermath of a major snowstorm! Surely this crusted and trusted comedy tool deserves its own anthem, and The Goodies are willing to do homage to the filling in this old-time revival hymn honoring the créme de la créme of comic convention. The bouncy melody whips us into a frenzy as they egg us on with promises of eternal happiness and confectionary bliss. Apparently custard pies will not only make us laugh but will get us high and make a rather messy aphrodisiac. Who knew there were so many uses for this cooked-up comedic creation? Yes, it's a sweet little number as they're bitin' the pie tin on this one. We're even treated to one of Bill's classic singing screams (which can't be too easy to do with a mouth full of custard). It may be just desserts to some and mammy's little baby may love shortnin' bread but give me this splatter platter any day!
(Emperor Caligula):
A comedy staple ever since the long-gone silent movie days of the Keystone Cops, Charlie Chaplin and Lavatory Meadows (… er, WC Fields!), the good old custard pie gets its right serve with this dairy fine tribute song. Unlike the shepherds pie, where you firstly have to peel two shepherds, or the vanilla slice, otherwise known in Aussie slang as the "snot block" for good reason, the humble custard pie is yummy and so easy to put together. All you need is a bowl of custard (though be careful to check for elephants with yellow painted soles hiding upside-down in it first!) and that chunk of dough that Bill has been spinning around on the record turntable and voila, you've made yourself a treat that's not to be trifled with. Besides hitting people in the face with them, custard pies have many and varied uses – such as in weight loss mathematics (where the surface area of an obese glutton can be calculated with the formula of pie arse squared!) or in weather forecasting where the outlook is "jelly today and hot timbale!" And of course they're a favourite of the celebrity chefs on their cooking shows … in fact we're trying to negotiate a 10 round throwdown at the Wigan Pie Eater's Club between Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay, but apparently they're holding out for a cream pie and tomato sauce battle in the "Naked @#$%& Bunfight" at Pennenink instead, so if you don't want to be a clot, whip on down there! Now you might think I'm the bain-marie of your existence and deserve a thorough bake or to be skimmed alive for such corn(flour)y lines, however it's songs like this one that merely egg me on, so you can hardly put the blancmange me for milking it for all it's worth!
HOW!
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
III Goody Goody Yum Yum (Peaches Stiletto)
III Goody Goody Yum Yum (Emperor Caligula)
THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially Amazing.
III - Goody Goody Yum Yum.
II - Fair-y Punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.
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