Index
» June 2007
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* THE GOODIES FAN CLUB CLARION AND GLOBE *
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* THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK!' *
Issue No. 139 15th June 2007
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
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EDITOR
- Brett Allender <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>
ACE REPORTER:
- Lisa Manekofsky
MUSIC REVIEWER:
- Linda Kay
C&G CONTRIBUTORS:
- Wackywales, Alison Bean, Kerry Matthews, Euan Buchan, Jane Donnelly, PunHeaven
CONTENTS
***********
1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you
2. BOFFO IDEAS – The latest club news and happenings
3. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
4. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.
5. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #29 – "The Policeman's Opera"
6. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
7. WORD PUZZLE SOLUTION – from last month's edition
1. QUIZ & QUOTE
****************
(by "Magnus Magnesium")
QUOTE: "Oh the next verse is censored 'cos it's too horrible even to talk about!"
(a) Which Goodie says this quote?
(b) Which song are the Goodies singing at the time?
(c) Which episode is this quote from?
QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode: "Politics"
(d) What is Graeme's new role at the start of the episode?
(e) Who does Bill tell to "belt up you old gasbag" on the phone?
(f) Which party does Bill represent when he is dressed as Vanessa Redgrave?
(g) Who does Bill refer to as the "tin transvestite"?
(h) What is England's booby prize from "It's A Knockout"?
The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.
2. BOFFO IDEAS
***************
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail <enquiries@goodiesruleok.com> with your comments, ideas or suggestions - meanwhile these are the boffo ideas which our club has been working on this month:
GOODIES DOWNLOADS ON WEBSITE
(by Brett Allender)
I've recently added a selection of quotes and songs from Goodies episodes to the Downloads section of the website – http://www.goodiesruleok.com/downloads.php . The quotes are mainly wav files while the songs are nearly all in mp3 format. I'll be adding more songs in the next week or two and will eventually add further quotes to the collection. Further news will be posted on the website and in the newsletter as this material is added to the site.
WEBSITE POLLS
Last months poll was an interesting question with a good variety of responses and the end result was further proof that the voting public just can't get enough of reality television at the moment. Having said that, reality TV Goodies-style would be guaranteed to be more entertaining than what's on the idiot box at the moment. Maybe "The End" was the forerunner to "Big Brother" ... now if only the BB housemates could be trapped under 350ft of concrete as well! Anyway here are the final votes:
If The Goodies tv show was still in production, which topic should they send up?
- the internet 15 votes
- reality TV 79 votes
- home improvement shows 13 votes
- PDAs / mobile computing 3 votes
- 24 hour news channels 8 votes
- Bill's nature programs 26 votes
- Harry Potter 32 votes
- out-of-control celebrities 17 votes
- other 1 vote
- Rolf Harris 27 votes
Total: 221 votes
This month's poll is all about finding a new PM now that Tony Blair is about to step down. Tim and Bill already have experience as joint PMs in "Politics" while Graeme has had practice at ruling the world (and towing Britain outside the 5 mile limit!) so which one would you choose to do the job? Head to the website and vote now ... you know it makes sense.
Tony Blair is stepping down as Prime Minister. Which Goody would you vote for to replace him?
- Tim
- Graeme
- Bill
- all three should share the job
- I'd do a write-in vote for Rolf Harris
3. SPOTTED!!!
*************
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! the Goodies this month:
BOB A JOB CHIEF!
(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 15th May)
Mon, 14 May - "When We Were Scouts" will be repeated on BBC 4 at 19:00 to 20:00. This program includes clips from The Goodies.
GOODIES ON PARAMOUNT
(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 15th May & 11th Jun)
Sat, 19 May & Sun, 20 May - "The Goodies" on Paramount 2. Two episodes will be repeated on Saturday starting at 23:45 and on Sunday starting at 22:00.
Sat, 23 June - two episodes of "The Goodies" will be repeated on Paramount 2 starting at 23:50.
GOODIES DVDS ON SALE
(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 12th Jun)
www.Sendit.com is having a sale on comedy DVDs. Currently "The Goodies – At Last" is £6.89 and "At Last A Second Helping" is £7.89. That includes free shipping in the UK & Ireland.
The newer "Complete LWT Series" DVD is £15.89.
4. 2001 AND A BIT
*****************
If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio and tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-l mailing list (more details available on the club website), as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.
(All items in this section contributed by Lisa Manekofsky, except where otherwise credited)
BILL SPOTTINGS
* Weds, 16 May - "Who Do You Think You Are?" on UKTV History and UKTV History Plus 1. Bill's episode is being repeated at various times; please consult your local listings.
(15th May)
* Fri, 18 May - "Bill Oddie Goes Wild" is being repeated on BBC 2 at 19:30.
(15th May)
* Mon, 21 May - "Gardeners' World" on UKTV Gardens at 20:00 includes an appearance by Bill, who talks about encouraging wildlife into the garden. This will be repeated at various times on Tues, 22 May.
(15th May)
* Fri, 25 May - "Ronni Ancona and Co" on BBC 1 at 21:30 is scheduled to include an appearance by Bill.
(15th May)
* Mon, 28 May - "Springwatch with Bill Oddie" returns to BBC Two
(15th May)
* Sun, 3 June - "Star Portraits with Rolf Harris" with Bill. "Star Portraits" is a series in which 3 professional artists paint 3 completely different styles of portrait of a famous person. You can see Bill's portraits at http://www.starportraits.co.uk/programme_three.html (thanks to wackywales for spotting the date)
(15th May)
(Thanks to Euan for posting this news in the club Forums!
Bill's episode of "Star Portraits with Rolf Harris" has been rescheduled to Sunday, 27 May. It will air on BBC 1 at 17:45.
27th May)
(15th May)
* From the Birmingham Mail, May 17, 2007. I don't believe it's available online:
Beeline for the museum.
A LEADING Birmingham beekeeper has teamed up with celebrity conservationist Bill Oddie to keep the British bee buzzing.
Nigel Fleming, president of Birmingham Beekeepers, joined Oddie at the Natural History Museum to celebrate the opening of the historic site's first ever bee tree.
The 3m high tree trunk beehive has been installed in the museum's wildlife garden to help educate children on the importance of honey bees so they build their own bee-friendly habitats.
They can watch around 15,000 bees generate a potential five tonnes of honey every year behind a sealed perspex.
Thousands of schoolchildren nationwide are also set to have lessons on the good work bees do in the environment and producing honey and beeswax.
Bill Oddie said: "The British honeybee population has taken a bit of a bashing over the winter and their numbers need a boost."
(22nd May)
(22nd May)
An article about "Springwatch" appears in the May 22nd edition of The Sun;
I'll cut & paste the text below, but suggest you visit the website as it includes a nice photo of Bill with a small bird perched on his hand.
~~~
Spring is in the air once again
By ONLINE REPORTER
May 22, 2007
SPRINGWATCH returns to BBC2 next week for another celebration of British wildlife - and presenter Simon King can't wait.
"Although not exotic by definition, British wildlife is just as compelling as anywhere else in the world and, because it's right on our doorstep, it's something that everybody can engage with," says Simon.
"Beyond that, I think that people love the individual life stories of the creatures that we follow and, although the word 'soap opera' is much over-used, it is entirely appropriate if you look at the daily lives of say a blue tit family or a golden eagle.
"What happens from one day to the next becomes utterly addictive because you begin to really care about the individual creatures and that makes a huge difference."
The third year of Springwatch will see Simon heading to Islay in the Hebrides, while Bill Oddie and Kate Humble will be stationed on an organic farm in Devon.
They'll be keeping an eye out for barn owls, badgers and buzzards, while Gordon Buchanan will be checking out urban foxes in Glasgow.
The innovative show uses tiny cameras and miles of optical cable, meaning that viewers get to see animals doing what they do without any disturbances from camera crews.
"We're hoping to follow golden eagles and hen harriers on Islay, although we just can't predict half of what we might see," he says.
"That's the beauty of being able to follow animals as individuals with live TV - nobody knows what this year's engaging tale will be"
Springwatch, Monday 28 June, BBC2
(22nd & 29th May)
(22nd May)
* Thurs, 31 May & Thurs, 7 June - "Springwatch Trackers" on BBC 2 at 08:00. Here's a listing for the 31 May episode: "Bill Oddie joins Kirsten and Steve for breakfast and has a special challenge just for Kirsten. There are some big birds for the tracker teams as the boys and girls try to track down some hunting animals. Trevor the Gnome shows a mini-beast that is so mini it's smaller than a full stop. See what goes on behind the scenes on the Springwatch farm."
(29th May)
* Fri, 1 June - "Ronni Ancona and Co" on BBC 1 at 22:35. Bill is listed as a guest for this episode.
(29th May)
(30th May)
* Mon, 11 June - "Bill Oddie's Top 10 Birds" on BBC 4 at 21:00. Here's a listing: "Bill Oddie counts down the UK's ten most beloved and most villainous birds in a definitive, light-hearted guide to our feathered friends and foes. Bill's poll is based on the thousands of letters he has received over the years from members of the public."
(8th Jun)
* Here are the links to a couple of fairly lengthy Springwatch-related articles. The first, from http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2001320029-2007260336,00.html , says that "Springwatch" is matching Big Brother 8 in the primetime ratings (with approximately 4 million viewers each) and beating BB in late-night (90,000 viewers for Big Brother compared to 300,000 for Springwatch Nightshift). There's a small photo of Bill at the end of the article.
(8th Jun)
* Mon, 11 June - "Bill Oddie Goes Wild" on BBC 2 Scotland at 19:00.
(11th Jun)
* Tues, 12 June - "Bill Oddie Goes Wild" on BBC 2W and BBC 2 Wales at 13:00
(11th Jun)
* Fri, 15 June - "Mark Lawson Talks to..." includes an interview with Bill. The show airs on BBC 4 at 21:00. It's scheduled to be repeated on Saturday morning (16 June) at 00:20.
(11th Jun)
* Tues, 19 June - "Wild Owl Farm" on BBC 2 at 20:50-21:00 presented by Bill.
(11th Jun)
GRAEME SPOTTINGS
* Mondays - "The Unbelievable Truth" on BBC Radio 4 at 18:30 (with repeats the following Sunday around noon). Graeme will appear in some episodes of this new comedy panel game which he created with ISIHAC Producer Jon Naismith. It can be heard online from www.bbc.co.uk/radio4. Each episode is available for a week after broadcast from Listen Again (http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/networks/radio4/aod.shtml?radio4/unbelievabletruth ).
(15th May)
* Sun, 20 May - "Have I Got 2002 For You". Graeme's 2002 appearance on "Have I Got News For You" will be repeated on UKTV Gold at 01:50 and then shown an hour later on UKTV Gold Plus 1.
(15th May)
(15th May)
* Graeme's just passed along the broadcast dates for the second series of "About a Dog", a series he wrote for BBC Radio 4. The show will air on that channel on Tuesdays at 6:30pm starting July 3rd. There will be six episodes in series 2.
"About a Dog" stars Alan Davies and Kate Ashfield. Information about the first series, which consisted of three episodes and was originally broadcast in 2004, can be found on the Above the Title Productions Ltd. website: http://www.abovethetitle.com/01_cd/cd_200406.php
(Lisa Manekofsky & Alison Bean – Goodies-l - 17th May)
Weds, 30 May - a program billed as "Made in Scotland" presented by Graeme, which appears to be a repeat of "Take an Englishman and a Scotsman", will air at 11:30 on various BBC radio stations including Radio Aberdeen, Radio Highland, Radio Orkney, Radio Scotland, Radio Shetland, Radio Solway, Radio Tweed, and probably others. It'll be repeated at 00:30 the next morning.
(21st May)
* "Doctor at Large - The Complete Series" is scheduled to be released in the UK on May 28th. Graeme and Bill were among the scriptwriters for this series.
Here's a link to the title at Sendit.com (who currently have pre-order price of £17.89 while Amazon.co.uk's is £22.49) - http://www.sendit.com/dvd/item/7001000132691 The set will also be available from other major retailers.
If you order it online be sure you get the TV series and not the 1957 movie "Doctor at Large", which is also available on DVD. Just look for "The Complete Series" in the title.
(23rd May)
TIM SPOTTINGS
* BBC 7 will be presenting "Comedy Greats: Listeners' Choice" tomorrow (Saturday, 19 May). This selection of programmes was voted for by BBC 7 listeners as their favourite radio comedies. The lineup includes a 1973 episode of "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" (with all three Goodies) and a 1979 episode of "Hello Cheeky" (starring Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer, and John Junkin).
The show airs Saturday at 9am, 8pm and 3am (it can be heard online at www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7 ). It will be available for a week after broadcast from Listen Again.
(19th May)
* Found "Paul Hogan's England" on DVD being sold at Ezy DVD, and I believe that there is a brief cameo from Tim Brooke Taylor on the DVD.
Also there is a small review of the Dvd that can be found at this site that mentions briefly Tim's cameo.
(Kerry Matthews – Goodies-l – 21st May)
I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE (ISIHAC) and
I'M SORRY I'LL READ THAT AGAIN (ISIRTA)
CAMBRIDGE CIRCUS IN NEW ZEALAND
by Mark McKay
Named after a West End traffic intersection, the revue Cambridge Circus opened at the New Arts Theatre in London on 10th July 1963. It later transferred to the Lyric, clocking up over a hundred performances, toured New Zealand and even enjoyed a short run on Broadway. Deriving from the 1963 Cambridge University Footlights revue, A Clump Of Plinths, it spawned an LP record and a half-hour BBC radio show of highlights. Subsequently the performers went on to even greater triumphs, with the much-loved radio series I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again and hit TV shows such as The Goodies and Monty Python's Flying Circus.
The original cast consisted of Jo Kendall, Tim Brooke-Taylor, John Cleese, Anthony Buffery, David Hatch, Chris Stuart-Clark and Bill Oddie. However by the time of the New Zealand tour, Buffery had been replaced by Graham Chapman and Stuart-Clark by future Yes Minister scriptwriter and Hollywood director, Jonathan Lynn. In his autobiography, Chapman recalls being in two minds whether to take the trip down under or pursue his medical studies, and deciding on the former after a recommendation from the Queen Mother.
On 29th July 1964, the cast plus producer Humphrey Barclay, chanteuse Jean Hart and David Hatch's new wife Anne, arrived in Christchurch. The country was still recovering from the Beatles' visit the previous month, and the lack of proper heating, archaic licensing laws and inefficient service made a bad impression on some of the performers. John Cleese remembers being offered "Porridge or Creamota" for breakfast, asking "What's Creamota?", and being told "Porridge."(1) On another occasion, Graham Chapman ordered a three-egg omelette from the menu and eventually received an omelette with three fried eggs perched on top.
The show was a success all over the South and North Islands, gathering favourable reviews and enthusiastic audiences. During the tour, a performance was even televised (2) . Viewing a preview tape, John Cleese was shocked to see himself on TV for the first time, looking like "a giraffe on a hovercraft" and appearing to speak like a bad ventriloquist. This one-hour Cambridge Circus special was screened later that year(3), after the cast had left the country. Soundtrack for half of the programme survives in the NZ Sound Archives.
During the tour, the team also recorded four audience-free radio shows for the NZBC, also broadcast after their departure (4). Most of the sketches included had already been broadcast in Britain, either in the December 1963 Cambridge Circus programme or the first three episodes of their own series I'm Sorry, I'll Read That Again, first heard in April 1964. However some of these were now given a local flavour with references to New Zealand cities and music.
Other items were heard for the first time performed by their authors. Cleese and Chapman's Sheepdog Trials sketch later became one of the highlights of TV's seminal At Last The 1948 Show. Some John Cleese skits had been written for Dick Emery's radio series, Emery At Large. One of these, concerning a Gestapo-style Grublian National Tourist Bureau official, later turned up on the Two Ronnies' first album.
Each episode was given a different title, named in honour of a favourite character, either real or fictional. The first programme broadcast was christened The Mrs Muir Show, after a little old lady from their Wellington boarding house, who was convinced they were Zulus who had arrived to promote the epic Michael Caine film.
1 Manufactured by the NZ Flemings company, Creamota was a finely ground rolled oats product which produced a creamier variety of porridge.
2 at Timaru according to Chapman's autobiography.
3 on Monday 23rd November 1964 in Christchurch from 8.41-9.42pm, and on Monday 21st December 1964 in Auckland from 8.32-9.33pm
4 all shows approx. 30mins and broadcast at 9.30pm on Tuesdays on the National Link (incl. 3YA Christchurch, 1YA Auckland, 2YA Wellington, 4YA Dunedin)
(Jane Donnelly)
* Mondays - BBC 7 airs old episodes of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" (with Tim and Graeme). Each episode is available via Listen Again for six days after broadcast. The show can be heard worldwide via the internet from www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7 on the day of broadcast as well as for six days afterwards using Listen Again.
(15th May)
* Sundays starting 7 July - ABC Radio National is scheduled to begin airing "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again", the 1960's sketch comedy series with all three Goodies plus John Cleese, Jo Kendall, & David Hatch (according to http://www.abc.net.au/rn/comedy/default.htm )
(15th May)
* The ABC Online shop is advertising the ISIRTA boxset volume 1-4 for $99.
(Kerry Matthews – Goodies-l – 24th May)
* Mondays starting 4 June - "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" returns to BBC Radio 4 at 18:30, with a repeat the following Sunday at noon. Each broadcast can be heard online from www.bbc.co.uk/radio4 ; they'll also be available for a week after broadcast from Listen Again.
(29th May)
* Thanks to PunHeaven for posting this in the forums:
(11th Jun)
* As you know, Stephen Fry is the guest for the first two episodes in the new series of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue", which is currently airing Mondays on BBC Radio 4 (also available from Listen Again).
Guests for the rest of the series are scheduled to be Rob Brydon at the Cardiff recording and Jeremy Hardy in Wimbledon.
(12th Jun)
ISIHAC TOUR DATES AND BOOKING INFORMATION:
The following are the dates in the tour. All shows have gone on sale.
SHOW DATES & CITIES
LEEDS: ***SOLD OUT!***
* Thursday 30 August LEEDS GRAND THEATRE
Show starts 7.30pm, ends approx 10.15pm
Tickets: £12.50 - £27.50
Box Office Tel: 0870 121 4901
Event Listing:
NOTTINGHAM:
*Sunday 9 September NOTTINGHAM THEATRE ROYAL
Show starts 7.30pm, ends approx 10.15pm
Tickets: £14.00 - £25.00
Box Office 0115 989 5555
Event Listing:
NORTHAMPTON:
* Monday 10 September NORTHAMPTON DERNGATE
Show starts 7.30pm, ends approx 10.15pm
Tickets: £25.00 & £20.00
Box Office : 01604 624 811
Event Listing:
TUNBRIDGE WELLS: ***SOLD OUT!***
* Monday 17 September Assembly Hall Theatre TUNBRIDGE WELLS
Show starts 7.30pm, ends approx 10.15pm
Tickets: £24.50
Box Office: 01892 530613
Event Listing:
BIRMINGHAM:
* Tuesday 18 September BIRMINGHAM HIPPODROME - Show starts 7.30pm, ends
approx 10.15pm ***SOLD OUT***
* Wednesday 19 September BIRMINGHAM HIPPODROME - Show starts 7.30pm, ends
approx 10.15pm
Tickets: £14.50 - £26.50
Box Office: 0121 622 7486
Event Listing at Ticketmaster Site:
IPSWICH:
* Tuesday 25 September IPSWICH REGENT
Show starts 7.30pm, ends approx 10.15pm
Tickets: £20 - £22.50
Box Office: 01473 433 100
Event Listing:
OXFORD:
* Wednesday 26 September NEW THEATRE OXFORD
Show starts 7.30pm, ends approx 10.15pm
Tickets: £20 - £22.50
Box Office Tel: 0870 606 3500
Event Listing:
READING: ***SOLD OUT!***
* Friday 5 October READING HEXAGON (READING COMEDY FESTIVAL)
Show starts 7.30pm, ends approx 10.15pm
Tickets: £22 - £24
Box Office: 0118 960 6060
Event Listing:
BRIGHTON:
* Monday 8 October BRIGHTON DOME (BRIGHTON COMEDY FESTIVAL)
Show starts 7.30pm, ends approx 10.15pm
Tickets: £20 - £23
Box Office 01273 709709
Event Listing:
5. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #29 – "THE POLICEMAN'S OPERA"
************************************************************
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review.
WHO?
After receiving a chunderous ovation for their writeup of "Sick Man Blues", your music reviewers Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay) and Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) had been tossing up on the idea of doing their very own concert tour. Their proposed selection of songs including I'll Leave-ya Pukin' (as I dash to the) John's "Hopelessly Devoted To Spew", "Chuckin' All Over The World" by Splattus Throw and the big closing number of "See Ya Later Regurgitator" (an old Bill Paley and the Vomits track apparently!) would be sure to leave their audiences barfing in the aisles. Additionally their sponsorship by Purgin' Airlines meant that the deal was in the (sick) bag before takeoff had even commenced.
However Peaches has now decided to hang up her yellow suede shoes and give up music ... she's going to become a folk singer instead. According to Peaches, she's now "gonna write music from my heart, music that's in my blood, gut music, music you can feel in your intestines, sounds that grab your giblets, rhythm that sends you tapping your bowels, swinging your pancreas, bursting your bladder!!" And if that makes you feel sick, just wait until you hear the music!
Meanwhile now that Ian Thorpe has retired, the Emperor has kindly agreed to replace him. No, not in the swimming pool (even though the Emperor was a champion breaststroker in his school days ... before being locked up in juvenile detention for it!), but as a replacement for Thorpie in the Uncle Toby's ads. Apparently there's a whole generation of Aussie kids who need convincing that their breakfast cereal is "fully sick" before they'll eat it, so without doubt the Emperor is just the right man for the job, especially the morning after a big "parma and pot" night out at his local pub!
But before they heave us to go and follow their gut feelings, we'll plod on over to your drunk and disorderly DJs and their review of "THE POLICEMAN'S OPERA" by The Goodies.
WHERE? WHEN?
"The Policeman's Opera" can only be heard on the Goodies' 70's LP "Nothing To Do With Us".
WHAT?
Lyrics: sung mainly by Bill, with contributions from Graeme (as the Dreadcorps policeman) and Tim (as the Photofit girl). The song runs for more than 11 minutes, so the lyrics listing is a bit of an epic. Backing vocals (in brackets) are sung in a stereotypical English policeman's voice, except in the Dreadcorp section where they mostly sound distinctly Jamaican!
(Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello.)
(Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello.)
I walk my beat, I'm an ... I'm an ordinary policeman
Great big flat feet and a bum that's slung too low
I shaved my head, 'cos I thought, yes I thought, I thought, I thought I'd look like Kojak
And now, now I'm too embarrassed, to take my helmet off
(Hello hello hello. Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello)
The wind ... whoa the wind blows cold, and it whistles round my naked brain
It's telling me, it's telling me no-one's ever gonna love a policeman with big feet and a saggy bum who never takes his helmet off, even in bed
And I feel (Yes) so-o (Yes) very very (Yes) frustrated (Mind your language!)
I started beating up old ladies (Well what's wrong with that!)
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]
What can I do? (We don't know), What do I need? (We don't know)
Where can I go? (We don't know) Whoa, please help me! (How can we help?)
I feel so dumb (Well you are) I want to look nice (Well you don't)
I want to be ... I want to be beautiful (You're just a plod)
Don't call me that! (All right then, pig) That's even worse! (Well so are we!)
Whoa-ho, I'm gonna cry! (Oh dear, oh dear) [crying] (Now then, now then) [more crying] (We understand)
[sobbing] (We've got to help, we know a way, to cheer him up) [crying]
(Cheer him up, cheer him up, cheer him up)
(Cheer him up, we've got a man, to cheer him up, we've got a man, to cheer him up)
(Righto then, righto then, righto then)
(This'll be a job for the Dreadcorps. Yeah, this'll be a job for the Dreadcorps!)
(Hello hello man, hello hello man, hello hello man)
(Hello hello man, hello hello man, hello hello man)
(Hello hello man, hello hello man, hello hello man)
I didn't take much persuadin', to be the very first spade in the Metropolitan force
(Hello hello man, hello hello man)
I knew at first I'd be rejected, but now I'm well respected, and you know why of course
(Hello hello man)
The Dreadcorps coming, bringing happiness, the Dreadcorps coming, bringing joy
The Dreadcorps coming ... Reggae with me and I'll show you a good time!
(Hello hello man, hello hello man, hello hello man, hello hello man)
You stand outside a club in Brixton, and you can get your kicks if you just sniff at the air
(Hello hello [sniff], hello hello, Wheee!)
But if you are a honky copper, you might come a cropper if you try to get in there
(Hello hello! Hello hello!)
The Dreadcorps coming, infiltrating, the Dreadcorps coming, confiscating
The Dreadcorps coming ... I smell certain substances floating on the air
Certain substances (Certain substances), Certain substances (Certain substances)
[spoken, with backing of "Certain substances" and "The Dreadcorps coming"]:
Hey man, I've got a lot of naughty little fag ends I confiscated from the force downtown. I got tickets for the Test match. I got Bob Marley bootlegs, I got two Sunday Maychilds and there's nothing I can do about it. Man I could put the whole of Island Records out of business. You bored, man? You want a nice tatty dreadlock, pig? You going fine. Hey man, you really getting into those substances, hey man!
(Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey)
Please give me certain substances, oh I can't get enough
But who is this that frowns at me even as I take a puff?
"I am that Chief Inspector watches over all bad fuzz
That wicked weed's not what you need, what a policeman needs is love"
Love, love ... I need love!
(Love! Love!)
[SHORT INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]
When a policeman's down, he just loves to sit, playing making faces with his photofit (Oi)
I made a little face, just the other day, And now, now, now, now, now she's stole my heart away (Oi)
Photofit (ba-baby), photofit (love), photofit (ba-baby), photofit (love)
I love her drooping lips, and her crinkly hair, her tiny little eyes and her crazy stare (Oi)
Scar upon her cheek, that I'd love to kiss, oh no-no-no-nobody could look like this (Oi)
Photofit (ba-baby), photofit (love), photofit (ba-baby), photofit (love)
[SHORT INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]
Well if you see her, call 999, I will apprehend her and I'll make her mine
Loveliest of the faces, on my list, and I know, know, know she does not exist
She does not exist, she does not exist (Oh yes she does) Oh no she doesn't (Oh yes she does) Oh no she doesn't
[overlapping:] (Oh yes she does, she does, she does, oh yes she does, she does, she does, oh yes she does, she does exist)
Oh no she doesn’t! (Oh yes she does, she does exist) Oh no she doesn’t! {Oh yes I do!} Oh yes she does!
(Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello.) Hello!
(Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello.) {Hello!}
[partly sung; partly spoken:]
Who, who are you? {Who, me?} Have you ... have you really come to see me? {Policewoman Edwina Krum ...} Can I ... can I believe? {Yes, yes you can} Oh what's that I hear you say? {I wish to confess, I love you!} Can you really, can you really, can you truly love, {I love} can you really love, a man, a man they call Old Droopy Bum {I adore your bum!} Is it really true {it's true}, is it really true, is it honestly true, {honestly} you're turned on by big flat feet {The bigger the better ... feet, that is!}
(Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello.) {Hello boys!}
Oh, oh, I want you! {I want you!} Oh I need you {I need you too} Oh let me hold you {Come on, hold me, hold me} Oh {Oh} Oh {Ooh} Oh {Oh} Oh {C'mon get on with it!} Oh let's do it {Oh let's do it} Ah let's do it {Take me right here in the street, I don't care if there's a double yellow line, I don't care!} OK {OK then} All right {All right} All right, c'mon {Get on ...} ... take my helmet off!
{Oh, ha ha, look at that, look at Old Baldy! I'll have you lightly boiled! Hey why don't you paint it blue and stick your badge on it?!} Shut up! {Hey take ... take your hands off my throat!} I'll bloody strangle you! {Call a policeman!} I am a policeman!! {STRANGLED SCREAMING}
[INSTRUMENTAL OF ELECTRIC GUITAR EVENTUALLY CHANGING TO POLICE SIRENS]
-----
The album cover of "Nothing To Do With Us" describes this song as being "a major Work in four movements – with a few bits in between", which sounds rather like the crime scene that might confront the coppers after a Pickfords employee has suffered homicidal road rage at the wheel of his furniture van ... either that, or it could be their investigation of a mass gastro outbreak at the local takeaway restaurant! However Bill Oddie himself provides us with an even clearer photofit of this song's motives by confirming that it's a sendup of Queen's classic "Bohemian Rhapsody", even adding that it's "my favourite Goodies record of all time". And who are we to argue, Your Honour? Anyone suspecting that there is no possible correlation between The Goodies and Queen (apart from Tim playing one, Bill proposing to one (elsewhere on this album) and Graeme preparing to be beheaded by one!) only has to witness Bill's sparkling performance as Saint Augustine in "Superstar" to be convinced that the remaining members of Queen should have sent an SOS to Cricklewood when Freddie Mercury sadly passed away. (Ready Freddie, Crazy Little Man Called Bill!)
Anyway, if you'll allow us to elucidate (and yes, we'll even clean it up ourselves to avoid a ticket for littering!), Bill's cluey concept of a massive Queen-style epic which attacks police brutality while providing a helmetful of Goodies humour and a paddy wagon load of different musical styles proves to be a walloping success. There's the sad soppy section at the start where poor old PC Plod laments his lack of looks and loser's status while bawling as though he's accidentally uncorked his own canister of capsicum spray (albeit punctuated by a searing guitar riff in the middle). However he soon is cheered up no end by the reggae-loving Dreadcorps who kindly clear all of his worries away with a whiff and a puff of "certain substances" which seemed to be in plentiful supply at the Island Records studios in those days! This carefree Jamaican jiving is rapidly banished with a sharp and dramatic blast of glam rock with the Chief Inspector which in turn gives way to the pure pop sounds of our ordinary policeman falling in love with a funny little face that he has created with his Identikit. His denial of her existence leads to the highbrow opera part of proceedings before the tempo again reverts to a pop/rock feel as he and his new girlfriend get acquainted and ready to rumble. His ill-fated decision to remove his helmet and bare his nude nut sparks her sarcasm and a rapid escalation into anger, violence and a screaming electric guitar solo which gradually morphs into the police sirens that are coming to cart Old Droopy Bum away to the Old Bailey for strangling his newly-created love.
WHY?
(Peaches Stiletto):
What aspiring (and often perspiring) rock star doesnt dream of producing their own epic rock opera? The Who, The Kinks, David Bowie, Pink Floyd and of course Gwar have all taken a crack at the lengthy rock opus (probably after downing too many Opus Ones). But what better subject matter could there be for such a musical drama than the life of a bald, low slung bummed, big flat footed, confused, easily-swayed, lovelorn and possible psychotic policeman? Frankly if Mr. Oddie had not tackled this subject himself it most certainly would have been covered by someone else (the aforementioned Gwar perhaps?) An Oddie but Goodie, our birdwatching music meister outdoes himself with his contribution to thematic composition (or decomposition, depending upon your point of view).
The hero of this woeful tale, who by his own description is about as attractive as a Private Dick Deadeye, wanders through several musical incarnations seeking the meaning of life, love and unhealthy diversions. The opening stanzas outline the poor slobs sob story, a hopelessly lonely Kojak wannabe who apparently finds no solace in lollipops, littering or beating up old ladies. His fellow policemen are of little help, not only refusing to offer sympathy but openly berating their fellow man in blue while hes, well . . . blue. Talk about police brutality!
As if this werent bad enough their solution after breaking the helpless slob to tears is to direct him to the Dreadcorps where hell be sucked into a life of tokes, which could definitely prove to be a drag. The Jamaican themed "Bobby" Marley is more than willing to draw this decidedly non-Rastafarian Rozzer into the depths of copper contraband until the stodgy Chief Inspector steps in to put his flat foot down and steer our hero to a less harmful, yet strangely perverted, hobby of Photofit Identikit obsession.
This might have been a harmless little diversion if the bald bizzie hadnt somehow managed to Photofit together a likeness of a fellow officer, Policewoman Edwina Krum, who ironically shows up just as the lamentations and arguments about her existence are taking place. Its love at first sight . . . and why not? What better love connection could there be for a bald, low slung bummed, big flat footed bobby than a droopy-lipped, crinkle haired, tiny eyed, crazy staring partner? Love at first fright? But of course things can't end happily . . . this is an opera, after all! Overcoming his biggest insecurity about not wanting to remove his helmet, only to be derided again about his baldness by a fellow officer who is undoubtedly beneath him (lying on the street, to be exact,) proves to be the last straw. As her strangled cries fade the police sirens rise and we know things have indeed ended ugly . . . not that these characters werent ugly to begin with.
The final verdict? Its a fair cop . . . this is an arresting number with a good beat. Our little Billy clubbed out an epic worth staging . . . then apprehending . . . followed by booking . . . and possibly incarcerating.
(Emperor Caligula):
Forming part of that thin blue line can really be a classical caper for any copper keen on his opera, even a peeler as unappealing as the man they call "Old Droopy Bum". For starters while cruising around in his patrol car he can tune his police radio to the Verdi pleasant strains of "La Traffic Violator" or the more dramatic "Aida like you to accompany me to the station". And once back at the pig pen after a tough stint of pounding the Beet(hoven), he can enjoy the soothing sounds of Stravinsky's "Plodipus Rex", "Die Flatfoot Maus" by Strauss or even a little of Mozart's "Coppi Fuzz Bobby" when the heat is off and things aren't quite so bizzie.
Even after a crusher of a shift, he can put those socking great feet up at home and relax with his recordings of "Blue Meanie On 135th Street" and "The Merry Walloper". However he really enjoys his rozzered days off when he happily truncheons off to a night at the opera theatre to watch the real heavies in action. Those opera stars certainly fit the bill as they dispense with any need for tear gas by loading up high notes rather like rubber bullets and forcing London's finest to baton down the hatches as they go about disturbing the peace for miles around with performances of Dvorak's "The Dibble And Kate" and Gerschwin's "Piggy And Bizz".
Sadly our culture vulture constable will now have to scuffer a life sentence of opera-less hard labour, having made the considerably rasher move of applying the long arm of the law to the throat of his siren with brute force after getting fed up with her po-po-poking at his freshly-exposed chrome dome. Instead of divine love it's now a case of "divvy van shove" as he's off to the clink for a lengthy stint of doing the "Jailhouse Rock" with everybody else in that whole cell block. And when his wails of Engelbert's "Police Release Me" are finally answered many years from now, he'll no doubt be in agreement that Bill's classic cop opera is a Vivaldi but a Goodie!
Anyway there's no need for me to babylon about it any further ... get hold of a copy of it by hook or by crook (or by Ebay – same difference!) and spend eleven minutes of your own life sentence thoroughly entranced with the many musical moods of this Goodies magnum opus (then again, that's a "big Irish cat" according to my Uxbridge English Dictionary!). Sex (well, near enough!) and drugs and rock and roll ... very Goodie indeed!
HOW!
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
IIIII Superstar (Peaches Stiletto)
IIIII Superstar (Emperor Caligula)
THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially Amazing.
III - Goody Goody Yum Yum.
II - Fair-y Punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.
Next music review:
August – Custard Pie
6. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
**************************
(a) Tim
(b) Song Of The Jolly Rock Lighthouse
(c) Lighthouse Keeping Loonies
(d) An advertising man
(e) The Queen
(f) The Workers Revolutionary Party (TWERP!)
(g) Tim, dressed as Timita
(h) The return of Margaret Thatcher as Prime Minister
YOUR SCORE:
8 Mastermind Of The Year
7 Goodies fan supreme
5-6 Clever clogs
3-4 Reasonably Goodie
1-2 Thick as old boots
0 Rolf Harris!
7. WORD PUZZLE SOLUTION
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NEXT C&G EDITION:
- #140: 15th July 2007.
*******************************************************************************
The Goodies Fan Club Clarion and Globe is copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 2007. All rights reserved.
Permission to reproduce this work or any section of it, in any form must first be obtained from the copyright holders.
For further information regarding this publication please e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>.
For other general enquiries about the 'Goodies Rule - OK' fan club or 'The Goodies' itself, please e-mail enquiries@goodiesruleok.com
TO OBTAIN THIS NEWSLETTER IN WORD DOCUMENT FORM:
E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> requesting transfer to the Word mailing list.
******************************************************************************
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